Running away from dogs- the FUN way to fitness
Vibrating ab-belt changed my life
I was unamused by the kitten photos
Chat up line- guaranteed results!
My iPod is a glorified herd of cows
You are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox
Which Spice Girl would you eat first?
Woman says her best friends are cats
They're making great strides in China
It's not my real ladder- it's my step-ladder
Hitchens bellows at students, sobs uncontrollably
Capricorn- beware of falling masonry
King of the blogs competition!
This training day is as welcome as a cockroach in my salad
I'm in love with a wonderful helicopter
Man, that's what I call real coffee
The Campaign for Real Swearing
How would you like to get your hands on my dong?
This "election" in our revolted colonies is essentially a form of treason
Hitchens' double bluff irony impasse
Hunting debate. Vote now!
(That last one from Decline and Fall.)
07/01/2000 - 08/01/2000
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
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12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011
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02/01/2012 - 03/01/2012
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12/01/2012 - 01/01/2013
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08/01/2013 - 09/01/2013
03/01/2014 - 04/01/2014
06/01/2014 - 07/01/2014
01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015
06/01/2015 - 07/01/2015
04/01/2016 - 05/01/2016
06/01/2016 - 07/01/2016
11/01/2016 - 12/01/2016
07/01/2017 - 08/01/2017
05/01/2018 - 06/01/2018
08/01/2024 - 09/01/2024
FESTIVE LINKS
Faces of Meth
Faces ravaged by meth use, many of them very ugly to begin with.
WhosaRat.com
Online database of snitches.
Idiots fighting in a garden
Does what it says on the tin.
A Face of Meth before and after. Or possibly vice versa.
I DESPAIR OF ENGLAND SOMETIMES
Christmas Eve. Back on the home acres. My father threatened to shoot me when I showed up, until I reminded him that I was his son.
"Ah, yes. You are the elder one, are you not? Or are you the one who went native at agricultural college? Anyway, come in, you squinting idiot. You want money, I suppose?"
He evicted old Longbottom from the his tied cottage this morning. He'd blundered into the bear traps we set for the poachers and lost a couple of limbs. "Damned annoying, of course," my father said, " but a double amputee is no damned use to me. The estate has to stand on its own two feet. Which is more than Longbottom can do, come to think of it...
"He stood there weeping in the drizzle with this ugly children and ugly dog, as the bailiffs did their work. Blubbering and snivelling like the worst kind of Spaniard. I despair of England sometimes."
On Monday we ride down to Somerset for the Boxing Day Badger Shoot. Tomorrow I'll probably just stay in and watch crap on the electric television. It's a family tradition.
The Sunday Times is selling champagne coolers made by Luo tribespeople* for £89.
Two thousand and six years ago Santa Claus was nailed to the cross, and they have turned his temple into a den of thieves. Christ, what arseholes.
*A tribe in Kenya. They settled on the shores of Lake Victoria where they live by fishing, and selling crap to Sunday Times readers.
HAPPY CRITMAS
A card arrives to “teacher Harry”, signed by all my students.
“Happy Critmas,” it says. “You is the best english teacher in the world.”
Apparently not, but thanks.
MORE AMERICAN MENTALISM
A 17-year-old in Georgia has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for getting a blowjob from a 15-year-old. That makes about as much sense as this video of singing cats.
You would think that maybe 8 years in jail would be enough to teach the lecherous young goat a lesson, but apparently not. He gets out in 2016.
Georgia’s state motto is "Wisdom, Justice, and Moderation". Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.
(Cats via Tim Worstall and lysergic acid diethylamide.)
KILLER FACT!
Fewer than 1.4% of Iranians attend Friday prayers, according to Iran's Ministry Of Culture And Guidance. But 2.8% of Iranians are addicted to opiates.*
As in Britain, opium is the opium of the masses.
*It's on page 79 of the report.
GO AND FUCK YOURSELVES
Kos has won again in the North American Champion Bore Awards. The finalists were the same gits as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that. As a news source, there isn’t one of them that rises to the level of the Bournemouth Daily Echo, let alone the Cheddar Valley Gazette. And it’s not as if they have any other redeeming features. The Instapundit wrote 19 posts yesterday, but it doesn’t follow that he is doing anything useful.
I’ve had a gizzard full of these people. Blogs don’t have to be this dull, any more than phone calls have to be dull. I mean, it depends what you say. The problem is that Insta, Kos, Poweline, Malkin etc. set the tone because hundreds of thousands of cretins link to and imitate this solemn rubbish.
Malkin is from the Philippines; Kos is from Bolivia or some fucking hole; Reynolds is from the state of Tennessee, which is basically a bunch of idiots living in a giant rhombus. Legally they are American, but culturally they are Swiss.
What’s wrong with being Swiss? Listen, and I’ll tell you.
The Swiss are the world’s most miserable creatures. Baffled and affronted by anyone who tries to make a joke, they fanatically disapprove of any humour that rises above the level of a clown being hit with a broom, though if you spill soup down your shirt they will laugh. Incapable of joy, they devote their dismal lives to banking and endless niggling referendums. From time to time an Italian visitor will have his car clamped, or be fined for smoking: this provides the only sour amusement a Swiss ever experiences.
After a few decades of this he dies, and the cuckoo clock croaks its mournful music over his lifeless body.
Go and fuck yourself, if you are a blogger or a Swiss. A very Merry Christmas to everyone else.
THE CRIMINAL MIND
"THE bodies of two more victims of the Suffolk Ripper were found yesterday — taking the monster’s grim tally to FIVE."Still no solid leads, but police have been working with criminal psychologists to build up a psychological profile of the killer.
“We seem to be dealing with some sort of nutter,” said Dr Keith Ashcroft, Professor of Forensic Psychology at the University of East Anglia. “A crazy strangler of the worst kind. Whoever is doing this is obviously completely off his chump, and I recommend they try to catch him as soon as possible.”
Suffolk’s Chief Constable Alastair McWhirter described the killer as “a ruddy lunatic”.
KILLER FACT!
5.5 million Britons have fled the country, their babies at their backs and their poor luggage, plodding to th’ ports and coasts for transportation...
I myself was forced into exile when militias loyal to Blair burned down my farm.
BRITONS ABROAD:I even met some in Cali the other day. These days, if you want to avoid the brutes you have to go to Bayswater.
Australia- 1,300,000
Spain- 761,000
United States- 678,000
Canada- 603,000
Ireland- 291,000
New Zealand- 215,000
South Africa- 212,000
France- 200,000
POLAR CALENDAR
The 2007 Polar calendar is out (Venezuela’s main brand of beer).
In the real world, the more beer you drink the less you look like her, but this never seems to occur to anyone. I suppose they think something along the lines of, “Woman! Beer! Want!”
On the right is an actual beer drinker from real life. That's how you're going to end up, I'm afraid.
HOW TO BE A BURDEN AT SOCIAL OCCASIONS
"Jeanne Martinet, author of The Art of Mingling, offers insights for joining a conversation and making your way through the party."
Well I have some lines of my own, to neutralise her lines, and make sure the ice remains unbroken. Otherwise people like that will start telling you about their repulsive children, or trying to make jokes.
-“How's life?”Another tactic is to be even more boring than they are. So if they start going on about about cars, you up the ante by talking about telegraph poles. I have also memorised a large number of facts about carpets.
-“Shite, as usual.”
-“How do you know the host [hostess]?”
-“I’m his probation officer.”
-“This music reminds me of my childhood.”
-“I don’t care. I wish I was dead.”
"Am I interrupting something confidential?"
-“Go and boil your head.”
-“Isn't this mousse delicious?”
-“I hate kids. Hate them. And yet I’m a teacher. Ironic, isn’t it? Fucking ironic. And do you know why I hate kids? Listen, and I’ll tell you...” (By this time they will be trying to escape, but I, having foreseen this, am tugging their sleeve.)
COLOMBIA, A YEAR IN REVIEW
From today's El Tiempo:
"The dollar is down; tourism is up; unemployment, sexual activity, the sale of motorbikes and embezzlement of public funds are all up."
A confusing picture, but one thing is clear: there has never been a better time to be a sexually-active embezzler who is shorting the dollar, especially if you own a coconut stand. It's all going their way at the moment.
HERBERT BUSH DOES A PALTROW
'TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) -- Former president George H.W. Bush broke down in tears as he cited his dimwit son, Gov. Jeb Bush, as an example of leadership.'
The thing I most admire about the United States is the way a grown man can blubber and snivel at a public event, and be widely applauded for it. One minute he’s praising his gormless offspring, the next he’s crying like a baby. By the time this embarrassing display was over, many in the audience were openly weeping too. I am sure many of them found it genuinely moving.
If you behaved like that in England, there would be a kind of frozen disgust, as people began inching towards the door. Whereas in Australia they’d let out a great roar at him –He’s a loony! Let’s get him!- and pelt the poor man with fruit.
There's a video, if you can stand it.
YOU ARE A ONE WITHOUT FRIENDS
Going back to Mud Island in a few days. Me and my friend Ollie are applying for an Arts Council grant for a project we’re doing.
We’re going to put posters with mysterious words and symbols around the London School of Economics, and people will wonder what it can mean. Then we put up more posters, but these ones have a website written underneath, and when they visit the website it insults LSE students in sounds and visuals.
Some of it is traditional Scottish insults such as, “Fuck off, ya scrawny wee poof,” and there will also be a recording in an Arabic accent with really lame insults like, "You are a one without friends" and "I hope you are unsuccessful in your studies.”
Let me know if you want to get involved.
TRUE STORY
A few years ago a Russian friend of mine was poisoned in central London. He became violently ill after eating at one of those mobile burger vans. He wasn’t a dissident or anything.
NEPHEW NOT A POOF
This is my new nephew, Des or Baz or Jez, or something. Or Peregrine.
He’s five days old already. They do grow up fast, don’t they? It seems like only yesterday that he was four days old.
No sign of him being a poof yet, thank God.
UPDATE! To protect the infant's privacy, I have replaced his photo with a photo of Paul Hogan, the well-known heterosexual.
ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser
The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid
The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain
This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman
Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you
Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea
Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad
TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French
If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS
KILLER FACTS!
Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)
Killer Fact! (British National Party)
Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)
Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)
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