Running away from dogs- the FUN way to fitness
Vibrating ab-belt changed my life
I was unamused by the kitten photos
Chat up line- guaranteed results!
My iPod is a glorified herd of cows
You are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox
Which Spice Girl would you eat first?
Woman says her best friends are cats
They're making great strides in China
It's not my real ladder- it's my step-ladder
Hitchens bellows at students, sobs uncontrollably
Capricorn- beware of falling masonry
King of the blogs competition!
This training day is as welcome as a cockroach in my salad
I'm in love with a wonderful helicopter
Man, that's what I call real coffee
The Campaign for Real Swearing
How would you like to get your hands on my dong?
This "election" in our revolted colonies is essentially a form of treason
Hitchens' double bluff irony impasse
Hunting debate. Vote now!
(That last one from Decline and Fall.)
07/01/2000 - 08/01/2000
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03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010
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10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010
12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011
01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011
02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011
03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011
04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011
05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011
06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011
08/01/2011 - 09/01/2011
10/01/2011 - 11/01/2011
11/01/2011 - 12/01/2011
02/01/2012 - 03/01/2012
03/01/2012 - 04/01/2012
04/01/2012 - 05/01/2012
11/01/2012 - 12/01/2012
12/01/2012 - 01/01/2013
04/01/2013 - 05/01/2013
08/01/2013 - 09/01/2013
03/01/2014 - 04/01/2014
06/01/2014 - 07/01/2014
01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015
06/01/2015 - 07/01/2015
04/01/2016 - 05/01/2016
06/01/2016 - 07/01/2016
11/01/2016 - 12/01/2016
07/01/2017 - 08/01/2017
05/01/2018 - 06/01/2018
08/01/2024 - 09/01/2024
KILLER FACT!
The Palace of Westminster has seven bars. In fact, they are not so much bars as villainous drinking dens, since none of them has a licence and they are completely illegal. The Mother of Parliaments is fundamentally a low shebeen selling bootlegged gin. That, I’m afraid, is a fact.
REUTERS EMPLOYEE SUSPENDED IN THROAT-SLITTING BROUHAHA
Charles Johnson of LGF has managed to get a Reuters employee suspended, because of a humorous email they sent him. "I look forward to the day when you pigs get your throats cut...," they joshed.
What’s the matter, can't he take a joke? I’m always sending prank emails threatening to cut people's throats. It's a bloody funny jape. Here's one I sent yesterday, to the editor of The Daily Telegraph:
Greetings, you cur.Technically it is illegal to cut Telegraph employees' throats, but then so are a lot of things. Anyway, LGF is based in Los Angeles; the prankster who sent the email is more than a hundred miles away, in Sweden. So I’d say they can probably afford to relax. I’m prepared to bet you a pound that nothing comes of this death threat. My Uncle Algernon used to get death threats all the time. He didn’t let it worry him. Just ignored them, and went about his day.
We gonna slit your throat like a goat.
Have a great day. Love the paper.
Jeremy Al-Majnoon
The Islamic Headbanger Army
PO Box 32402
Chipping Sodbury
Gloucestershire
Mind you, they got him. Threw him in a vat of boiling cheese.
VIDEO
A naked lunatic charges into a restaurant and screams at people through a megaphone, for no very obvious reason. Like many of the best ideas it's so simple that you wonder you never thought of it yourself.
It must be the last thing you need if you’re trying to eat your dinner.
A THORNY ISSUE
"The Respect MP George Galloway has said it would be morally justified for a suicide bomber to murder Tony Blair."Blowing up Blair is a thorny potato: it has its pros and cons. I see that Harry’s Place have come down very firmly on the 'Don’t blow up Blair' side of the fence –no doubt they feel the time is not ripe- but there are strong arguments to be made on both sides.
No one would seriously deny that Blair should to be put to death, but after a fair trial. You can’t just go blowing people up willy-nilly. Sorry, Abdul, but that’s not how we do things over here. You have to go through the proper channels.
But what if the trial drags on for years? What if Blair escapes to Switzerland and cheats the noose? There is always that risk. Others would argue that blowing him up will only give him the publicity he craves.
Opinion on whether we should assassinate the PM has become dangerously polarised in recent months. It is time to take a step back and consider these questions calmly and dispassionately. And let us focus on the things that unite us, not those which divide us. At the end of the day, it is a matter of individual conscience whether one assassinates the Prime Minister.
"3 million overfed zombies ruled by a deranged dynasty, surrounded by 300 million starving, loincloth-clad Muslims waiting patiently for the day when they pour out of the jungle and descend on the arrogant Chinese settlement to finish it off with their poison darts and machetes, leaving nothing but electronic road pricing equipment standing."
Description of Singapore.
ASIA-PACIFIC CRISIS
-Rival military factions in East Timor continued to engage in gun battles throughout Dili on Wednesday, after two people were killed and five injured in clashes on Tuesday.
-Vietnam struggles to deal with the aftermath of Typhoon Chanchu. Hundreds still missing.
-Australia battles to cope with the problem of tubby pets. One third of Australian cats are overweight; four in ten Australian dogs now major porkers.
Timorese refugees struggle to survive. An Australian struggles to lift an overfed cat.
LEGALISE POT, BAN PINK FLOYD
The minister for drugs said he had had "one or two puffs of marijuana" while a student but had not enjoyed the experience and decided not to repeat it.
Like a lot of Labour MPs, this guy seems to have made the transition from 1960s-style twerp to right-wing hoodlum, without at any point passing through common sense. All it takes is a haircut, apparently, and before you know it you're in favour of starting wars, golf and imprisonment without trial. Full disclosure: when I was a student I dabbled with being Minister for Drugs, but I didn't enjoy the experience and decided not to repeat it. (I recommended that they legalise marijuana, but ban Pink Floyd. This is clearly contrary to common sense, but common sense can go and fuck itself, as far as I'm concerned.)
It's certainly true that one gets more right-wing as one grows older. When I was a kid I used to give money to the homeless. In my twenties, I would ignore them. These days I say, 'Get up, you lazy fleabag.' By the time I'm forty I expect I'll be giving them a rousing fine kick as I go past, on my way to gas some badgers.
Vote Labour, by the way.
Sorry I haven’t updated. The communists dynamited the power grid.
I came to Buenaventura last week, to start a new life as a fisherman. Since I arrived, there have been not one, not two, but eighteen bomb and grenade attacks. Why is no one ever pleased to see me?
I went out last night to try to rustle up a couple of slappers, but there was a curfew and no slappers to be had, not even for ready money. So I lay in bed, sans slappers, sweating like a hog in a sauna, trying to read Martin Chuzzlewit by candlelight. That's communism for you. I got as far as Chapter 2 'wherein certain certain persons are presented to the reader, with whom he may, if he please, become better acquainted', then threw it in the bin, and drank a litre or so of rum to obliterate consciousness.
Benidorm for me next year.
From Dumb Britain in this week's Private Eye:
DJ Danny: Napoleon died in St Helen’s [sic] on this day 165 years ago. What did he say on his death bed?That's really world class. You could make a column called Dumb Norway or Thick Japan, but it wouldn't be the same.
Lisa from Doncaster: Kiss me, Hardy.
DJ Danny: You’re right!
MAGIC AM BREAKFAST SHOW, SOUTH YORKS
SHE GASPED AS HIS PARLIAMENTARY MACE SPRANG LOOSE
Update! The other day I wrote that Prescott 'screwed his secretary'. I slightly regret phrasing it like that. It is possible that these two young people really love each other. You can’t knock love.
When the story broke my reaction was, “Prescott got his greens, did he? Good for him! There’s hope for us all.” I pictured him rolling in drunk after lunch one day with an obscene leer on his face, and making a boorish and ham-fisted lunge at her, after which they went at it like toads in a pond. That would have been my method.
But my mother always said that I mustn’t judge other people by my own low standards. It could be that the Deputy Prime Minister was a caring lover, who was sensitive to Tracey’s needs as a woman. We simply don’t know, until the Metropolitan Police have finished their investigation.
She had no intention of falling under his spell, but her body ached irresistibly for the touch of his cruel lips.
'John,' she gasped, as she melted in his manly arms. 'John...'
'Aye, lass,' whispered John. 'When tha'rt willin'!'
'What?'
'Get thee skates on,' he urged. She shuddered with delight as his throbbing parliamentary mace sprang loose.
I imagine the police report will say something along those lines.
"Sensitive lover" say Downing Street sources
THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVOURITE THINGS
Just spent an improving half hour at Google Trends. Pakistan is the country that most searches for sex on Google, it turns out. So what? All that means is that their English isn't good enough to look for anything more depraved. Or so I thought: but they also come top for nude wrestling, jism and goat sex. These are a few of my favourite things.
The French come top for cunnilingus, but who came first for oral sex? If you'd given me fifty guesses I wouldn't have got it: it was Romania. Britain, of course, can generally hold her own when it comes to producing sexual deviants; and, sure enough, we got the gold for spanking, having -ha, ha, ha- beaten the Irish into second place. Singapore comes second for caning which, as luck would have it, is the penalty over there for nude wrestling, goat sex, etc. But they come first for “canning”. Edinburgh is top for idiots; but Tampa, Florida, is still number one for morons.
Perth, Australia, gets first place for chicks with dicks. Much as I expected.
IN DEFENCE OF JOHN PRESCOTT
"Scotland Yard has confirmed it is looking into a complaint that Mr Prescott broke the law by allegedly having sex in his Whitehall office."If I were his lawyer, I would point out that using a government office for having sex with his secretary was far less ruinous for Britain than how he might otherwise have been using it. While Prescott was harmlessly fucking his secretary, the rest of the cabinet were probably hatching schemes to make us all line up and be fingerprinted. Put it this way: would you rather he was shafting his secretary, or the nation? We got off lightly.
I would go further: I would say that screwing his secretary is his main achievement since taking office, and one of the things that sets him apart from monomaniacs and cyborgs like Blair, Brown and Straw. Blair would no more fuck his secretary than he would read a novel. Why? Because he’s a lunatic and a freak, with no more sense of proportion than a Saudi cleric. Brute that he is, Prescott is one of the few members of the establishment who is still recognisably earthling.
"I’m the one who acted stupidly," he said. What was stupid about it? It was one of the few things he has done recently of which sane people might approve. You vote to abolish Habeas Corpus and the Magna Carta, then you apologise for screwing your secretary? Seriously, what’s wrong with everyone on that island? Besides which, to describe it as "stupid" is insulting to the woman, you great oaf.
Incidentally, trivia question: how many jags does "two-jags" own? He owns one jag (second hand). If he were French or Italian he could use his ministerial car to buy milk, visit his whippets, or whatever else he does with his wretched life. But because he was scrupulous, on that occasion, about the difference between government property and private property, he got jumped on.* And the same people who call him two-jags now bitch about him getting his end away in Whitehall.
I think he comes out of these scandals rather well. I still hope to see him hang, however.
*And to carjack or hotwire his jags would be another assault on the Magna Carta: "No sheriff, royal official, or other person shall take horses or carts for transport from any free man, without his consent." This often gets overlooked.
KILLER FACT!
Germans have the highest IQ in Europe.
The most intelligent people in Europe. That, I'm afraid, is a fact.
SCHLONG SLANG
Blair gets his chopper out.
*Note for American readers: chopper is slang for penis or dong. The male member. Big Jim and the twins. One's Johnson. And therein lies the joke, if joke it be deemed.
If you would like to learn more about contemporary British culture, including demotic terms for cock, please contact the British Embassy in Washington, who will be happy to answer your queries: (202) 588 6500
FAILED STATES 2006
1. Sudan (3)** Position in 2005 report
2. DR Congo (2)*
3. Ivory Coast (1)*
4. Iraq (4)*
5. Zimbabwe (15)*
6. Chad (7)*
(Tie) Somalia (5)*
8. Haiti (10)*
9. Pakistan (34)*
10. Afghanistan (11)*
146. Norway
Via Ivan the Terrible
THESE FIGURES CONVEY VERY LITTLE TO ME
The Magistrate: "We had a drink-driver in a couple of months ago who had blown a little over five times the limit on the EBM machine."
What's that in six-packs?
FASHION TIP
Throw away all your clothes and buy a monk’s habit. That's what I'm going to do. I can’t be bothered with proper clothes and ironing anymore. I was just packing my suitcase and I thought what a pain in the arse it all is. In future, I’m going to travel with nothing but a monk’s habit, a toothbrush, and something to read. All the rest is vanity and vexation of spirit. Plus, I’ll never get mugged if I am dressed like Friar Tuck.
Only turkeys go to Marks and Spencer. All the years I spent buying “shirts”- I can’t believe what a sucker I’ve been. The fashion industry –that is, a racket run by French woofters- has brainwashed everyone. That’s the only reason people want “shirts”. Well I’m not going to take it any more.
Seriously, wear a monk’s habit. If you think about it, it really makes sense. When you consider all the advantages, it is eccentric not to wear a monk’s habit.
In Out
ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser
The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid
The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain
This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman
Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you
Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea
Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad
TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French
If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS
KILLER FACTS!
Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)
Killer Fact! (British National Party)
Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)
Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)
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