all gone. gone.
it's been a long while since i had any entries. who reads my blog anyway.
today is Day 1 of singlehood again. after 4 long years. it is the day that i have been waiting for and keeping in, for a month. since 28th April, the day he left for USA and the day that i found out about all the lies, the affair(s) and so much more. for a month, i have been pretending that everything is fine and dandy, just so that i can tell it to his face that i'm leaving him. people asked, why didn't you just tell him when you found out? why put yourself through this?
because i did not want to give him the benefit of not facing me after all that he has done.
it felt like i was in a really bad movie. or a dream. that i will wake up the next day, laughing myself silly about what had happened. the only difference is that, i woke up the next day feeling worse than i had the night before.
his journal, his twitter and his email. they told me all the "whats". i don't need to know the "whys". i don't need to know his reasons. he did what he did. they were so gross that i cannot stomach anything. i went through a "bulimic" phase where i will purge out anything i ate. i lost 3 kg in a matter of 3 weeks. i pretended that i was happy but inside, i was broken. much too broken. i managed to get through the month with the help of my friends. they were around more than i can ever ask for. thank you. you know who you are.
it hurts to know all that i know now but at this moment, i am more numb than anything else. i have cried too many nights. i became someone i did not know. i lost myself in the midst of trying to make things work, for the past 6 months. in fact, i don't even know when i lost me.
i'm looking forward to finding me again. i will become a stronger person at the end of all these. not a stronger person because of him but for myself. it is what i owe myself, at the very least. hope to see you soon, new me.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
have always...
i was given an option to choose. i did not think i would get any. i have always been under the impression that when things get back to the way it used to be, so would i. but no. this time round, i was given an option.
it is not like i have not thought about it. which would work out better for me. the thing about it is, i have always based it on my "loyalty" or the correctness of the situation. i have never thought of it in the light of my future. now that the option has once again resurfaced, but needing to see it and deciding differently, i am having a tough time making my mind up.
somehow, somewhere deep down inside, i know it would be just like the way it was. that is the downside of being a cancerian. that i very much prefer comfort and familiarity over anything else. i know, i am already in my comfort zone. i have thoughts of leaving it. again. yet, i do not have any valid reason to.
i was given an option to choose. i did not think i would get any. i have always been under the impression that when things get back to the way it used to be, so would i. but no. this time round, i was given an option.
it is not like i have not thought about it. which would work out better for me. the thing about it is, i have always based it on my "loyalty" or the correctness of the situation. i have never thought of it in the light of my future. now that the option has once again resurfaced, but needing to see it and deciding differently, i am having a tough time making my mind up.
somehow, somewhere deep down inside, i know it would be just like the way it was. that is the downside of being a cancerian. that i very much prefer comfort and familiarity over anything else. i know, i am already in my comfort zone. i have thoughts of leaving it. again. yet, i do not have any valid reason to.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
long gone 2008. is 2009 about being apart?
it is coming to the third week of 2009 and i have not spent much time thinking about resolutions at all. i think about it all the time at work. dealing with the directors' and shareholders' resolutions on a daily basis.
not that i've really kept to any resolutions that i've made, ever since i've made them the first time. like Han said, you don't need resolutions to quit smoking (for example). i do agree with that. it helps somehow to keep you to the list of things you want to achieve. most importantly, determination.
maybe, i have resolutions this year.
1. to take off my lenses every time i get back
2. to cleanse my face and get rid of the make-up every time before going to bed
pretty much that. anything else would just make me procrastinate. if i can keep to these religiously, then i may consider adding things on to the list.
so, i think i should move out of here.
the past 2 weeks have been hell for my right eye. it kept twitching which was so uncomfortable. i went for my facial treatment and decided to ask my beautician. she said that right eye means it's something bad will happen. either to yourself or someone close to you.
i told Awin about it and then she told me, her mom once told her that orang jauh nak datang. me being me, initially thought that it was referred to those from the dead. haha. yea, i was that stupid. so, she further explained that it does not only refer to someone who lives far away from you. it could also be someone from the past, like any of my ex(s). let's see. the only one that i don't want to see is him. i'm on okay terms with the rest of them at least.
and then i told Nik, he simply said that i lacked of sleep. simple eh? yea. maybe i do lack of sleep. my body clock's messed up.
after 2 long weeks, it finally went away. quite soon enough, it came back. i thought about it, did something bad happened to anyone (other than break-ups around me)? no. did i met any one who live far away from me or even him? no. did i lack of sleep? yes.
for now, i'd leave it to that. let me know what's your rationale behind twitching eyes.
it is coming to the third week of 2009 and i have not spent much time thinking about resolutions at all. i think about it all the time at work. dealing with the directors' and shareholders' resolutions on a daily basis.
not that i've really kept to any resolutions that i've made, ever since i've made them the first time. like Han said, you don't need resolutions to quit smoking (for example). i do agree with that. it helps somehow to keep you to the list of things you want to achieve. most importantly, determination.
maybe, i have resolutions this year.
1. to take off my lenses every time i get back
2. to cleanse my face and get rid of the make-up every time before going to bed
pretty much that. anything else would just make me procrastinate. if i can keep to these religiously, then i may consider adding things on to the list.
so, i think i should move out of here.
the past 2 weeks have been hell for my right eye. it kept twitching which was so uncomfortable. i went for my facial treatment and decided to ask my beautician. she said that right eye means it's something bad will happen. either to yourself or someone close to you.
i told Awin about it and then she told me, her mom once told her that orang jauh nak datang. me being me, initially thought that it was referred to those from the dead. haha. yea, i was that stupid. so, she further explained that it does not only refer to someone who lives far away from you. it could also be someone from the past, like any of my ex(s). let's see. the only one that i don't want to see is him. i'm on okay terms with the rest of them at least.
and then i told Nik, he simply said that i lacked of sleep. simple eh? yea. maybe i do lack of sleep. my body clock's messed up.
after 2 long weeks, it finally went away. quite soon enough, it came back. i thought about it, did something bad happened to anyone (other than break-ups around me)? no. did i met any one who live far away from me or even him? no. did i lack of sleep? yes.
for now, i'd leave it to that. let me know what's your rationale behind twitching eyes.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
ruffled feathers.
when you can no longer gain simple satisfaction from where you are at, nothing will seem to go right. NOTHING.
the government should put up signs along the river that says "Feeding pigeons are PROHIBITED." and those kind and generous souls who are more than willing to share their lunch with the breed should be imposed with legal sanctions.
they are the unwanted. yes, they eat scraps of food left behind by fellow humans. in a way, they help to clean the place up. we should not forget that they are still, pests. they carry fleas, ticks, or mites. though it is still not proven that their feaces contain diseases, they are still the breed of unnecessity.
when you can no longer gain simple satisfaction from where you are at, nothing will seem to go right. NOTHING.
the government should put up signs along the river that says "Feeding pigeons are PROHIBITED." and those kind and generous souls who are more than willing to share their lunch with the breed should be imposed with legal sanctions.
they are the unwanted. yes, they eat scraps of food left behind by fellow humans. in a way, they help to clean the place up. we should not forget that they are still, pests. they carry fleas, ticks, or mites. though it is still not proven that their feaces contain diseases, they are still the breed of unnecessity.
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