shit. i cant take it anymore. my brain's getting fat. thats the result of thinking too much, i suppose. i remember saying that to matt many times before.. hmmm. but seriously. if i dont stop thinking i'll probably just go ka-ra-zee. why is it that there is so much to consider, so much to process? shucks. i hate it. I HATE IT! like seriously. dis-trac-tion please. whoop.

steer clear? or bring yourself closer? hmmm.
the closer we are to something, the more it hurts. and the more we try to move away, the more difficult it gets. i've tried time and again to constantly remember that nothing is infinite. that nothing will ever be how you want it to be, no matter how perfect it once was. that things will eventually change, and we will somehow find ourselves stranded should we choose to back away, or even to carry on. im not quite sure on how to restrain myself. to stop thinking and pull back, just so to see things from a different perspective. what others see could very well be the truth, or are we the puppets that make things seem the way they are? do we manipulate the scenario and create unrealistic conclusions that deem beneficial to our wants, or are things plainly the way they seem? hmmm.
i have a feeling you may not understand, and there are times when i dont either.
i just want to stop thinking about everything..
for now.

sheesh. there are times in life when we have to just forget all about it and move on. but its so tough. you thought you knew it meant something, but then something else unravels and you feel so stranded. how are you to get out of it even though it hurts? how are you to stop these feelings even when you know it isnt possible? how do you stop yourself from reacting? the fact is, you cant. its human nature, and how the hell can you fight that? you cant. gosh, im just a bit taken aback. heavy hearts, some might say. but what are we to do? other than to just suck thumb and deal with it. grr. i hate thinking. i want to be like an ostrich right now.
*digs hole and sticks head in*

"hold your head high, heavy hearts."

hmmm. my heart's heavy, and im cant seem to put my finger on the cause. i feel as though all this sensitivity to my surroundings and the unfolding events seem to drag me further down into a pit of unrecognisable emotions, that clutter my thinking space. i cant quite understand why i feel this way, or how such a small action, or more likely, a lack of reaction, has made me feel lost again. grr. i really dislike this feeling, and the worst thing is, im not supposed to be feeling this way. it doesnt make sense, nor does it make it right. the unbalanced situation is making me think too much. gosh, i really dislike it. oh wells.

went over to matt's with rach, van and ron. had a ball of a time with the water game. haha, no no, its not splashing water, but more of drinking water. if you're curious to find out why on earth i had to go to the washroom thrice after the game ended, come to me, and i'll let you know what the game is all about. in any case, i just really enjoyed spending time with them, though i felt a bit distant occassionally. my mind wasnt really focussed on the game, nor the number of shots i had to take. ahh. i need to stop thinking.

alrighto, its getting late, and i need to get up to prepare christmas gifts. good night loves.

the past few days have been so.. wonderful. i really enjoyed every moment spent with the churchies, and i miss them so very much right now. its a feeling that makes me want to go hug them and tell them so many many things! haha, drea's super full of emotion now.. hmmm.

rachel darling, you make me smile.
terry, you make me laugh. :)
mel, you're just damn drama lah.
van, i love your hugs.
james, you're full of nonsense.
kevin, you crack me up.
josh, you're so lovable.
tim, i just love your smile.
iggy, you're funny lah.

ahh. the bulk of them are at camp now.. rach, van and i popped by quite a bit.. hoped we were of some sort of assistance. oh wells.
im looking forward to seeing them again.
yay!

camp tmr!
wheeeeeee!

and heidi klum's so pretty!
oooh!

watching criminal minds now.
woah.

royce please.
i really fancy chocolates. i really feel the need for a sugar rush. i think.. hmmm.

i love it when people remember my name.
i love it when people sing.
i love it when people say hello.
i love it when people smile.
i love it when people return my calls.
i love it when people give hugs.
i love it when people respond to me.
i love it when people move.
i love it when people say 'i love you'.
i love it when people kiss me on the cheek.
i love it when people make music.
i love it when people appreciate everything.
i love it when people are responsible.
i love it when people speak their minds.
i love it when people smell nice.
i love it when people share.
i love it when people hold my hand.
i love it when people skip to the beat.
i love it when people cup my face in their hands.


wheee!

i've finally had time to think today,
and the thought of the day is..
do i choose to see the flaws of others, rather than their strengths? hmmmm. the words i used today may have reflected such a behaviour, and it has left me appalled. it got me thinking.. do i really choose to see all the faults of another? and if so, why do i see it that way? hmmm. i suppose the whole 'once bitten, twice shy' analogy comes in. i guess my guard against others have led me to be selfish, wanting only what i feel is right, and wanting only what i believe is the best way. in the process, however, i failed to let God take lead and guide me each and every step of the way. oh wells. i still cant help but wonder about so many things.. sigh.

obsolete. overlooked.
hmmm.

bel, you're lucky to have people who actually ensure that you're safe and sound. oh wells.

well, another year has passed, and im finally back for prayerwalk. in case some of you guys dont know, its a yearly event held by maranatha prayer ministry which involves visiting of people's homes and praying with them. this is like, my 3rd year going, i think. in any case, it was good spending time with the mpm peeps, though i felt so.. ahh, oh wells.

during the travelling, and the visiting, an odd thought crossed my head. i was thinking about how much i enjoyed teaching, and how much i missed the children i used to teach at little skool house sgh and learning vision kkh. i thought about how much they could have grown, and how much progress they might've had since the time i last saw them. it occurred to me that seeing children grow and develop made me very happy. the thought of being with them each and every step of the way, helping them grow made life very fulfilling for now. but now, im no longer in that profession, for i have decided that i wanted to take a step into the media industry. the very industry that faces so much competition and politics. the very industry that literally supports the statement, 'to each his own'. this got me thinking..
can i bear to be selfish and fight for what i want? or am i the kind that wants to be part of the nurturing process? i cant help but wonder. gosh, i've always believed that i would enjoy the media a whole lot more, seeing that early childhood was something that i happened to chance upon, whereas the entertainment industry was something i'd always wanted to be a part of. i mean, i still do want it, but what am i destined to do? grr. cant help but think, think, think. oh wells.

in any case, i look forward to tomorrow. i look forward to the weekly late night chats, where i can freely speak my mind. but.. do i say too much sometimes? when does anyone know when to stop? hmmm. i used to think that as long as i believed in whatever i said, i didnt have to bother about what others thought of me. but now when i see things presently, i feel that other people's opinion of me is so important. i take everything in, and i act accordingly. but when people choose not to say what they truly feel, i find myself second guessing. and gosh, that sure is a tedious process. sigh, nothing much i can do about it anyway.

alrighto, i'd better get to bed soon.. need to wake up early to help rowen with her centre's concert full dress rehearsal. hopefully... i can wake up in time. haha, im not accustomed to early mornings. yawn.

if this isn't love,
this is the closest i've ever been;

Anberlin


yawn. the past couple of weeks has been pretty interesting. for starters, i've been taking my handy PowerShot A70 out. woah, i really enjoy snapping. fantastic, i tell you. and the memories i retain are like super precious. wheeee!

holidays are here, and yet i still feel as busy as ever. meeting up with churchies are never mundane, the occassional meet up with the ij usuals never fail to make me smile, and the polys are simply exciting. looking forward to horror day at dion's though. CLAIRE! we need to make plans. and NAT! zoukout how ah? hmmmm.

i. wanted. to. work.
but lazy drea decided that she's gonna use the time for social work. moreover, there isnt much time to work anywhere anyway. cant commit.

youth camp's coming up. im looking forward to see how everything will turn out, despite people believing that it may not work out. i beg to differ. i feel that as long as we have the heart, and belief that it can succeed, to carry it through, God'll do the rest. ahh. the wonders of faith. i like.

oh wells. the weather today was damn SHIOK man. despite the pouring rain, and having to walk around town without an umbrella, it was still pretty good.
i like the city lights. finally took pictures of the lights in town, though it wasnt very clear. in any case, i really enjoy the idea of a camera.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!
"i love those j-i-n-g-l-e bells,
i love those j-i-n-g-l-e bells;
i love those j-i-n-g-l-e b-e-double l-s,
i love those jingle bells!"
i think.. i need to come up with a feasible christmas gift solution. and a suitable christmas outfit. and substantial christmas plans. wheeee!

i want a jansport bag. and moolahs.
oh oh, gimme moolahs.

i feel that people who let others decide whats to happen in their lives are weak. if you feel that something is not right, voice it out, and fight for your beliefs. it doesnt matter if the opposite party may be someone of higher authority, or someone you respect. for if you cant even stand on your own two feet, how are you going to respect YOURSELF? sometimes i dont understand why people blatantly accept the wrongful fate that someone else casts on them. why do YOU people let others decide how you want to do things, or how you want to serve God? if you feel that NOW is where you belong, continue to live in it, and build on it. make it a stronghold with the people in your community who still feel lost and distraught. be the light that leads and takes hold of your own destiny. why should you let other depict your picture of life? think about it.
i still honestly believe its so STUPID. its really so RIDICULOUS. i expected you guys to be stronger, and not let yourselves get pushed into places you dont want to be in. seriously, have some guts and face it.

you guys know who you are. and news will spread. think about it.