sigh. i really never expected things to turn out this way. i did what i had to do, but i dont think anything can ever make it better. all i know is that i feel more alone than ever.

thunder.

sometimes i feel like a really bad sister who cant get her sisters to listen. grr.

i feel so.. sullen. its as though the entire day just sank into the gloomy pits of yesteryears. i think i was reminiscing. i think, i was thinking. as usual, i sat myself down and scanned through the week just past, and i wondered, was it fulfilling? did i make full use of it? was it worth going through the trouble to plan some things? was it worth going out with some of them? ahh poops. thinking really makes me all melancholic. i can do without the emo.

in any case, im in the school's SA now. meaning im a Student Ambassador btw. it was quite unexpected actually, to suddenly be granted an interview without even asking. in any case, i really am looking forward to actually having smth to do in school, despite how some of the people make me feel. oh wells. just hope things go fine.

hmmm, and for next block, the class has split. im really upset with the arrangement, and the people im with. not that i dont like any of my classmates, but the prospect of TP without claire, dion, jake, drea or angie is quite upsetting. for starters, these are the people i've actually warmed up to, compared to the rest im with. sigh, its just... really saddening. i dont like this feeling. but then again, i should just suck thumb and move on with life.. and make friends. so yeah. shall not think about it too much.

well, other than that, i would say it was great meeting up with xian jie, and ling. the feeling was.. nice. relaxed. enjoyable. i really like that feeling. haha and i just have to mention that my misadventure with an exercise ball has left my knees scraped. ask me if you see it, its pretty entertaining. ooh! and the o.c. is like, constantly on my computer screen. watching it brings me away from reality. just looking at how each scene plays out and how the teens at orange county unravel each passing day make me wonder how life'd be like if i lived there too. ahh, but too much drama. oh wells. its still extremely entertaining though. aha thanks to ts, i now have something to preoccupy myself with.

tmr's sunday. okay, not exactly tmr, but when i wake up, it would be SUNDAY. and i have nothing to do. gone are the days when i had to go for cat class. gone are the days when i would have something to do in church on sunday mornings. gone are the days when i'd be busy. its funny how i love it, and yet, abhore it at the same time. i feel like im... floating away. ahh, oh wells. i dont quite want to think about what people have been telling me to do about my life. cos it just is pretty annoying. sigh. i want monday to come soon. i want to get freedom writers from terence. i want to watch the o.c. yeahh.

ahh. i dont know what i'd do without ts.
i dont know what i'd do without sleep.
i dont know what i'd do without people.
im in TPSA now. or at least under probation.
i've got a new phone. D900i. its pretty slick.
i wanna watch the butterfly effect. its jake's.
friends are so impt, & yet.. distant sometimes.
jake says i rap. & i quote, "like crazy black ppl."
i enjoy watching movies that make me think.
ts & i thought a lot today. thinking's tedious.
i dont know what to do now other than sleep.
i need to go to bed. after vetting joel's story.
ahh. its time to have a good rest. gdnight.

i feel so bad now.
gosh, i really wonder how i can be such a dimwit.
i didnt mean for all the tension to arise.
i didnt mean to make things difficult for you.
sigh.

its finally the holidays. im totally stoked with the idea of having two weeks off to myself. oh boy, it sure feels good. although, some issues are weighing on my mind..
was talking to drey ytd about people, and perceptions. what do people think about, and why dont they say what they really feel instead of hiding it inside? sometimes, i would very much rather people tell me what they honestly feel rather than having me to second guess. sigh. maybe im just thinking too much. maybe im letting forbidden emotions get into the way of things. maybe i try too hard. oh wells.

school.
it had never occurred to me that i could actually be so open with this group of people whom i have only known for about half a year. my behaviour around them is just so andrea.. its just so me. i find myself comfortable to sing my lungs out. comfortable enough to scream and go crazy. comfortable enough to speak my mind, though when it comes to sharing personal stuff, i'd very much rather keep to myself. but the fact that i can belt out in song in the midst of the hectic schedule of everyday reaffirms me of the andrea i am, unlike the persona i may cast on myself whilst in church or anywhere else. maybe i am happier. but, the inability to share my emotions make it hard for me when im with them. the feelings that stir when something unexpected crops up leaves me stranded, crying out silently for attention which i know i will never receive despite my constant effort to try to make things go a level higher. why do i bother to plan and reach out when sometimes, the people on the other end clearly only want things for their own benefit? i have no idea. everyone has their flaws, and i dont expect to be loved in return. but in any case, im just glad t02 has been united enough to support each other. i certainly hope when we split i dont end up in a class void of emotion and full of competition. yes, competition is good, but not when envy becomes the cornerstone in the tasks that lies ahead.
i begin to contemplate the acts i have carried out, the words i've used, the feelings that i've withheld. am i being a child of God who loves? or have i fallen to the vices of the world? sigh.

i dont know why im wondering so much today, and why thinking has taken its seat on the throne of my mind. sigh. i just want things to be good. but will that be the case as time goes by? i doubt. angie said, pessimism lessens the disappointment. let pessimism take its place before hope? hmmm.

im just so glad that despite how screwed up life can be, God somehow always sends someone. and i really mean always. yes, i do get emo and feel like no one's there, but i know there is someone. ahh cant quite explain what im feeling now, but all i know that is, it will definitely be revealed in twenty years time. hopefully i can cope with it til im forty. ahh oh wells.

no reservations. sweet. i like.

and i shall reserve my emotions for people more worthy.
wheee~

i like taking pictures.

friendships. such a pure and simple thing, and yet, it can turn into something complicated. just like how friendships start and blossom. its a two way street, but at times i feel like im the only car moving there. its interesting how i try to make something work, only to fall flat on my face with feelings of disappointment. if the opposite doesnt want to do something about it, there's nothing much i can do to nurture anything. oh wells. in any case, sparks are important.

i find there are many times in my life when i just try so hard. just to keep a friendship going. but i now realise, that its either you click, or you dont.
wow, thats like, difficult.

ahh.

i feel fifteen again.
and its not doing me good.

oh drey, it feels so stupid.
i dont quite know what to say.
what if it affects me drastically?
argh.

jealousy.

a common human trait that never ceases to continuously plague our minds with thoughts of selfishness and want. the very emotion that stirs the inner most self-centred desires to the peak of its oddity, driving people to the edge of mental insanity, or destructive behaviour.

ahh.

i dont like jealousy.
but i cant deny its presence either.

oh dear. im like thinking again.
haha drea's being drea.
i cant help but wonder, will people say no when they really have to? or are some people just totally afraid to say what they really feel just so they can avoid hurting someone else's feelings? but in that process of allowing things to happen, do they actually realise the extent at which it has caused the other party to think about? the extent to which deductions or assumptions are made constantly so as to find an equilibrium to the unearthed answers? ahh. i think thinking can really make one go ka-ray-zee. but in any case, i still cant help but wonder if it was really a no. if it was supposed to be a no. aahhh. its annoying. and i honestly dont quite know why i care.

and gosh, i really dont like it when people dont reply after hours. i mean, if you're busy, just say talk to you later or smth? and when you do say talk to you later, just do it. i find myself waiting, which turns out to be so silly. gosh, i need to stop being so sensitive.

i have concluded that my emo/reflecting/thinking periods come once a week. it has seemingly become a weekly affair, sometimes even more than twice a week. having time out to think about my life and the way i've lived through it makes me so much more aware of my feelings, habits, behaviours and actions. and when i finally see what i've been doing, i find myself on a thin line, unsure of whether what i've been doing has been right or wrong. i find that there are many times in life when things seem so good, but eventually acutally cause us to go rotten inside. rotten in the sense whereby one moment i feel so good, but the next moment i find myself being eaten up every moment, gasping for breath as it gets stolen with each second that passes. gosh. its an indescribable feeling that cannot be salvaged.

im lost.
and tired too.

the past few days have been pretty hectic. tired, but still fun. i find myself gathering all kinds of positive energy, and im happy. haha i dont quite know what it is that im saying but all i know is that im happy.