its like, everything suddenly feels the way it was in the past. all these feelings that cannot be tolerated, controlled, or understood. i dont know why i feel this way.. its like, the last thing i need.
its people, i suppose, who created this. the day went really awful.. people i love suddenly had this attitude that was so unlike them. it was as though i was at the receiving end of all their semi-conscious actions. i dont know.. all i know is that im feeling really poop-ie now.
i just dont know how to put all these feelings into words.. i need some kind of refreshment. i need some form of retreat.
and im having this issue with regards to trusting. the past few weeks have left me wondering.. are people who they make themselves out to be, or is there some kind of facade that keeps me from knowing if they are being true.. i really hate trying to decipher their code which masks their uttermost basic being. not that i have to, but sometimes, if i dont, i might get hurt. and that has happened before.. its just absolutely annoying.
argh. i dont know what im feeling! cant seem to put my finger on it. i just need to relax man.
going for a swim now.

i think.
i think.
i think.

children.
adorable.
but should i?
for the year.
im considering..
its not easy.
am i ready?
joel said, "commit".
tough.
i dont know.
maybe i need time.
think.

friends.
are they worth?
why all the trouble..
its just unreciprocated love.
but i dont know.
love only if you're loved?
thats not a drea thing to do.
aaron said, "ignore".
zhen said, "heck".
is that the way to go?
i dont think so.
but..
its disappointing.
i keep on getting my heart broken.
not romantically, i mean.
im annoyed.
should i be?
okay, relax.

i need to do it.
it makes me feel poop-ie.
i feel so.. argh.

i think.
i think.
i think.

the week has been pretty hectic.. so many things have happened, and to even begin would take ages, so i'll just leave it as it is. all i know is that im looking at everything from a whole new perspective, and im so glad that God was the one who showed me how to.

the recent CC4 retreat had proven to be an extremely fruitful one. not only for the confirmants, but also for myself. i managed to find myself. i managed to see the good in me, rather than the not-so-good. i managed to find the confidence to believe in myself. and im a whole lot happier now.

hmmm, however, there is this one thing thats bugging me. and that is, friendship.
are friendships considered sincere and authentic only if its mutual?
im really puzzled as to whether we were friends for the right reasons to begin with. oh wells. im not too sure.. trying to find my way out.

in any case, a BIG shoutout to VAAAR!
erm, thats basically
VAN
AARON
ANDREA
AARON
RACH
okay, odd to shout out to myself, but yeah.. hahaha :)
you guys are awesome.
and im so glad i found you all.
<3

oh boy, im getting a lil hungry.
hahaha k sentosa tmr!
night loves.

life now is good.

other than the confusion they put me in..

oh wells.

the more i see things, the more annoyed i get. i just dont understand how a flood of memories can cause such a headache. pictures can really make one think. and the thinking is giving me a mental ulcer that just doesnt go away regardless of how much fluid i consume. these fluids make me numb. i dont like feeling numb all my life. i dont like living this kind of life. a life not like myself. and i dont see how my mistakes can cause so much banging in my head. i need to undergo some form of mental construction at this rate. i really dont know how i got to this stage. i mean, sure, it was sort of for fun, despite the fact that i really was in adoration. i dont know how i let myself lose control. the control that keeps my every being sane. the control that prevents me from wanting to stop and run.
"i cant explain myself at all."
its absolutely debasing. the things that dash through my mind whenever im conscious confound me. why is it so? cant it all be simple and neat, easy to understand and uncomplicated? i refuse to take in all this crap, but i have no other alternative. there will never be a person who can understand. there will never be a person who has heard and not judge.
i need Your grace.
my transgressions have placed me in the nadir of this pit. poops.
okay okay, i think enough of the emo writing. its time for me to get on with life. feeling much better now.. though talking to people would be a whole lot healthier than typing my woes onto my laptop. oh wells.
"well i know that its a wonderful world, but i cant feel it right now."
hope i can feel it soon.