shit. i cant take it anymore. my brain's getting fat. thats the result of thinking too much, i suppose. i remember saying that to matt many times before.. hmmm. but seriously. if i dont stop thinking i'll probably just go ka-ra-zee. why is it that there is so much to consider, so much to process? shucks. i hate it. I HATE IT! like seriously. dis-trac-tion please. whoop.

steer clear? or bring yourself closer? hmmm.
the closer we are to something, the more it hurts. and the more we try to move away, the more difficult it gets. i've tried time and again to constantly remember that nothing is infinite. that nothing will ever be how you want it to be, no matter how perfect it once was. that things will eventually change, and we will somehow find ourselves stranded should we choose to back away, or even to carry on. im not quite sure on how to restrain myself. to stop thinking and pull back, just so to see things from a different perspective. what others see could very well be the truth, or are we the puppets that make things seem the way they are? do we manipulate the scenario and create unrealistic conclusions that deem beneficial to our wants, or are things plainly the way they seem? hmmm.
i have a feeling you may not understand, and there are times when i dont either.
i just want to stop thinking about everything..
for now.

sheesh. there are times in life when we have to just forget all about it and move on. but its so tough. you thought you knew it meant something, but then something else unravels and you feel so stranded. how are you to get out of it even though it hurts? how are you to stop these feelings even when you know it isnt possible? how do you stop yourself from reacting? the fact is, you cant. its human nature, and how the hell can you fight that? you cant. gosh, im just a bit taken aback. heavy hearts, some might say. but what are we to do? other than to just suck thumb and deal with it. grr. i hate thinking. i want to be like an ostrich right now.
*digs hole and sticks head in*

"hold your head high, heavy hearts."

hmmm. my heart's heavy, and im cant seem to put my finger on the cause. i feel as though all this sensitivity to my surroundings and the unfolding events seem to drag me further down into a pit of unrecognisable emotions, that clutter my thinking space. i cant quite understand why i feel this way, or how such a small action, or more likely, a lack of reaction, has made me feel lost again. grr. i really dislike this feeling, and the worst thing is, im not supposed to be feeling this way. it doesnt make sense, nor does it make it right. the unbalanced situation is making me think too much. gosh, i really dislike it. oh wells.

went over to matt's with rach, van and ron. had a ball of a time with the water game. haha, no no, its not splashing water, but more of drinking water. if you're curious to find out why on earth i had to go to the washroom thrice after the game ended, come to me, and i'll let you know what the game is all about. in any case, i just really enjoyed spending time with them, though i felt a bit distant occassionally. my mind wasnt really focussed on the game, nor the number of shots i had to take. ahh. i need to stop thinking.

alrighto, its getting late, and i need to get up to prepare christmas gifts. good night loves.

the past few days have been so.. wonderful. i really enjoyed every moment spent with the churchies, and i miss them so very much right now. its a feeling that makes me want to go hug them and tell them so many many things! haha, drea's super full of emotion now.. hmmm.

rachel darling, you make me smile.
terry, you make me laugh. :)
mel, you're just damn drama lah.
van, i love your hugs.
james, you're full of nonsense.
kevin, you crack me up.
josh, you're so lovable.
tim, i just love your smile.
iggy, you're funny lah.

ahh. the bulk of them are at camp now.. rach, van and i popped by quite a bit.. hoped we were of some sort of assistance. oh wells.
im looking forward to seeing them again.
yay!

camp tmr!
wheeeeeee!

and heidi klum's so pretty!
oooh!

watching criminal minds now.
woah.

royce please.
i really fancy chocolates. i really feel the need for a sugar rush. i think.. hmmm.

i love it when people remember my name.
i love it when people sing.
i love it when people say hello.
i love it when people smile.
i love it when people return my calls.
i love it when people give hugs.
i love it when people respond to me.
i love it when people move.
i love it when people say 'i love you'.
i love it when people kiss me on the cheek.
i love it when people make music.
i love it when people appreciate everything.
i love it when people are responsible.
i love it when people speak their minds.
i love it when people smell nice.
i love it when people share.
i love it when people hold my hand.
i love it when people skip to the beat.
i love it when people cup my face in their hands.


wheee!

i've finally had time to think today,
and the thought of the day is..
do i choose to see the flaws of others, rather than their strengths? hmmmm. the words i used today may have reflected such a behaviour, and it has left me appalled. it got me thinking.. do i really choose to see all the faults of another? and if so, why do i see it that way? hmmm. i suppose the whole 'once bitten, twice shy' analogy comes in. i guess my guard against others have led me to be selfish, wanting only what i feel is right, and wanting only what i believe is the best way. in the process, however, i failed to let God take lead and guide me each and every step of the way. oh wells. i still cant help but wonder about so many things.. sigh.

obsolete. overlooked.
hmmm.

bel, you're lucky to have people who actually ensure that you're safe and sound. oh wells.

well, another year has passed, and im finally back for prayerwalk. in case some of you guys dont know, its a yearly event held by maranatha prayer ministry which involves visiting of people's homes and praying with them. this is like, my 3rd year going, i think. in any case, it was good spending time with the mpm peeps, though i felt so.. ahh, oh wells.

during the travelling, and the visiting, an odd thought crossed my head. i was thinking about how much i enjoyed teaching, and how much i missed the children i used to teach at little skool house sgh and learning vision kkh. i thought about how much they could have grown, and how much progress they might've had since the time i last saw them. it occurred to me that seeing children grow and develop made me very happy. the thought of being with them each and every step of the way, helping them grow made life very fulfilling for now. but now, im no longer in that profession, for i have decided that i wanted to take a step into the media industry. the very industry that faces so much competition and politics. the very industry that literally supports the statement, 'to each his own'. this got me thinking..
can i bear to be selfish and fight for what i want? or am i the kind that wants to be part of the nurturing process? i cant help but wonder. gosh, i've always believed that i would enjoy the media a whole lot more, seeing that early childhood was something that i happened to chance upon, whereas the entertainment industry was something i'd always wanted to be a part of. i mean, i still do want it, but what am i destined to do? grr. cant help but think, think, think. oh wells.

in any case, i look forward to tomorrow. i look forward to the weekly late night chats, where i can freely speak my mind. but.. do i say too much sometimes? when does anyone know when to stop? hmmm. i used to think that as long as i believed in whatever i said, i didnt have to bother about what others thought of me. but now when i see things presently, i feel that other people's opinion of me is so important. i take everything in, and i act accordingly. but when people choose not to say what they truly feel, i find myself second guessing. and gosh, that sure is a tedious process. sigh, nothing much i can do about it anyway.

alrighto, i'd better get to bed soon.. need to wake up early to help rowen with her centre's concert full dress rehearsal. hopefully... i can wake up in time. haha, im not accustomed to early mornings. yawn.

if this isn't love,
this is the closest i've ever been;

Anberlin


yawn. the past couple of weeks has been pretty interesting. for starters, i've been taking my handy PowerShot A70 out. woah, i really enjoy snapping. fantastic, i tell you. and the memories i retain are like super precious. wheeee!

holidays are here, and yet i still feel as busy as ever. meeting up with churchies are never mundane, the occassional meet up with the ij usuals never fail to make me smile, and the polys are simply exciting. looking forward to horror day at dion's though. CLAIRE! we need to make plans. and NAT! zoukout how ah? hmmmm.

i. wanted. to. work.
but lazy drea decided that she's gonna use the time for social work. moreover, there isnt much time to work anywhere anyway. cant commit.

youth camp's coming up. im looking forward to see how everything will turn out, despite people believing that it may not work out. i beg to differ. i feel that as long as we have the heart, and belief that it can succeed, to carry it through, God'll do the rest. ahh. the wonders of faith. i like.

oh wells. the weather today was damn SHIOK man. despite the pouring rain, and having to walk around town without an umbrella, it was still pretty good.
i like the city lights. finally took pictures of the lights in town, though it wasnt very clear. in any case, i really enjoy the idea of a camera.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!
"i love those j-i-n-g-l-e bells,
i love those j-i-n-g-l-e bells;
i love those j-i-n-g-l-e b-e-double l-s,
i love those jingle bells!"
i think.. i need to come up with a feasible christmas gift solution. and a suitable christmas outfit. and substantial christmas plans. wheeee!

i want a jansport bag. and moolahs.
oh oh, gimme moolahs.

i feel that people who let others decide whats to happen in their lives are weak. if you feel that something is not right, voice it out, and fight for your beliefs. it doesnt matter if the opposite party may be someone of higher authority, or someone you respect. for if you cant even stand on your own two feet, how are you going to respect YOURSELF? sometimes i dont understand why people blatantly accept the wrongful fate that someone else casts on them. why do YOU people let others decide how you want to do things, or how you want to serve God? if you feel that NOW is where you belong, continue to live in it, and build on it. make it a stronghold with the people in your community who still feel lost and distraught. be the light that leads and takes hold of your own destiny. why should you let other depict your picture of life? think about it.
i still honestly believe its so STUPID. its really so RIDICULOUS. i expected you guys to be stronger, and not let yourselves get pushed into places you dont want to be in. seriously, have some guts and face it.

you guys know who you are. and news will spread. think about it.

i've been feeling dreamy lately.
maybe cos of low immunity?
oh wells.
all i know is that i feel damn bad now.
though i didnt intentionally mean it.
argh.

i made drey fry rice for me.

hahahahahaha!

im such a loser in the kitchen.

gosh, im like updating my blog lying down! haha so amusing. well, in case you're wondering how im doing that, im basically just lying on a thai tatami, with my knees propped up and my laptop inclined, against my lap. so yes. horizontal updates.

death cab for cutie's been earwax the past few hours. i really enjoy their music. its so... i dont know. at times i feel like im in a trance. ahh.

today im home, preparing for show and tell during jap class tmr.. asimo! and in case you're not aware of its existence, its basically a humanoid robot. pretty interesting, though despite this advance in technology, i dont quite fancy it. i honestly dont see the need to create artificial intelligence. i certainly dont wish to reach the age whereby people can be replaced by robots. sigh. but then again, would these robots be less bitchy and backstabbing and disrespectful? hmmm. i never cease to wonder what it'd be like if we changed.

"love is watching someone die"
haha what a random line. just picked it out from death cab. oh wells.

i need to go back to work, but im being a lazy bum again. hmph.

have you ever felt like you're being treated like dirt? like no one wants to bother about you and just dont give a damn about whatever's going on in your life or whatever you say? or how people seem to overlook you and make you wonder, 'do you even know i exist?' sigh. think think think. i find myself in this predicament. well, there are chances that i could just be thinking too much, but then again, the responses and reactions from the people around me never cease to make me realise that maybe i should just heck care. so yeah. there's no point in getting all riled up over people who dont respect me. yes.


and here's a shoutout to you. you know who you are. as much as we havent been talking, i still hope i can be someone you can count on. i think you might've misread a previous entry.. cos when i mentioned someone who didnt understand, it wasnt you. you're someone i really treasure, and i just need you to know that. i know you'll read this somehow, so yeah. do hope to meet up with you soon.

gosh, its so late, but i feel so grr that if i dont explode in words, i'll definitely implode. like, why cant people just be considerate and just reply?! so annoyed now, cos all these years, people assume i wont get angry or upset or outraged or be petty should there be a tense situation. people assume im okay if they dont bother to care about responding to simple things like calls or msgs. but no! im not okay. but i dont intend to blow up in your face either. so i think for now, i shall stop thinking so much about whether i've got confirmed plans to meet you or whether i need a response from you or whether i need your help or whether you have to settle stuff with me or whatsoever. (btw this is general, doesnt apply to anyone in particular), but in any case, preet! i hate being on the receiving end. i feel so angsty. thank hearing things aint helping either. but gosh, thank God for zhen and nat to help me relax or i'll just smash everyone's face in. (or at least mentally.) gosh, i feel like im beginning to be so.. blergh. ahhh! annoyed. super. im thinking maybe for one day, i shall just turn off my phone and not care about whether you care to contact me or not. woot. or maybe i shall just go all stoned, or iced. like an ice queen. shites i have no idea what im talking about. i just need sleep now. only have 3 hours of sleep last night, and its not helping, you know, the fact that im still up at this ungodly hour ranting just to get it out of my system. if i could, i would run to the cleanest part of the beach in singapore and scream underwater (or something along those lines. preferably includes some kind of verbal explosion). drey says woah, cos my post is so long. bet she didnt expect me to be so blah and longwinded when it came to just exploding in words. i feel like im repeating myself. i want to get some eyeshut and dream about guava and how guava can be better than mango sometimes. yawn.

japanese. ahh.
how interesting.
i sure hope this block goes well.
it'll be super awesome!

the noose looks.. funneh.
hahaha, like damn lame sia.

and i feel like eating nuggets.
from mos or macs.
yum.
maybe i shall go get some tmr.

i like totally want grey's anatomy.
shall take it from ts soon.
yoohoo!

csi is absolutely fascinating.
the show never ceases to make me wonder about how things work, and the consequences of people's actions. grr. so exciting.

okay!
back to CSI.
wheee!

as i reflect back on the days past, i find myself wondering in an unexpected situation.. do i really like チョコレート? hmmm. oh dear. i sure hope it isnt possible or i'd just die. like seriously. oh wells.

feels weird. the way we dont seem to talk anymore. the way everything's so awkward. grr.

sometimes i wonder what other people are thinking. do they ever realise you're there? do they think about you? i never fail to constantly find myself in a trance, just thinking about all there is to think about.. like, what would the world be like if you werent in it, and whether a huge alien would swing a bat at our puny world and hit it straight into the sun.. and why do mice get squashed by the side of the road, and do people notice that there are some others who need attention too? how does the world live with so much chaos, and is racism a norm no matter what people say? also, why do people pretend and not be themselves, and eventually hurt themselves and others? and, is it true that your good friends usually have better judgement when it comes to your partners, or should we take note of how we feel and work on it? can people accept the fact that sometimes, feelings can be one-sided and all you should do is accept that fact, and not condone the other party? can people live without ever knowing chocolate in their lives? what determines a path to alcoholism, and when guys play with children, does that mean there's a higher chance for them to be a paedophile? how do guys jump around like monkeys without falling, and is extreme sports really so extreme?

gosh. i've so many questions in my head and i've got not many answers. i think i think too much. oh wells. but i cant help it! i like to notice, and think, and wonder, and think again, and hopefully the truth will unravel in front of my very eyes. i look forward to the day when i can find someone. ahh.

i've never felt this way before. i'd have expected myself feeling good that nothing happened, and yet, this overwhelming sense of longing for things once past continue to plague my heart, stirring this pot of cupboard emotions which i've tried so hard to contain. i cant believe im feeling like this. gosh, its just so wrong, and its scary knowing its making my heart beat faster. i definitely need time out. or distractions would do.

to all you skeptics, rumour-believers and uninvolved, LISTEN UP.
all that hearsay are totally LIES.
you want to hear the truth,
ask me straight in the face.
i wont ask you who you heard the lies from, so dont worry. and should there be any doubts, please do clarify with me. dont go round telling the world fake statements that sully my integrity as a person.
and no worries, i wont bite.
you have my number, so just call.
thanks.

oh, and you.
it'll be on your conscience for spreading those rumours.
you'll regret you ever crossed my path.
you'll regret for not trusting.
so, good luck to you, moron.

the past few weeks have been pretty interesting. late nights, morning lepak sessions, different group members, exciting assignments. but somehow, all these seem to dim in the light of the emotional rollar coaster i've been on. okay okay, this blog is like a place for me to wallow in my sorrows, so let me whine. hahaha. its like, people seem to be forgetting im here. people seem to be forgetting that i actually exist. a buddy didnt tell me about something i felt was important, and i had to hear it from someone else. and gosh, that someone just had to rub it in saying "what? you're his good friend and you dont know?" sigh. and when i asked him, he said it wasnt a big deal. well, to me it was. and it resulted in a two nights of being emo. and a good friend seems to be upset. maybe she thinks i favour a different company. but i dont, its just that sometimes, i need people who understand. people who'd listen and know what im talking about. and even if they didnt, it would be good if they could just listen and not judge. and its also super upsetting when i actually make an effort to communicate with people, only to not have any response despite direct questions. i just miss you enough to even ask you out, and yet, it seems as though it all goes to naught. to top it off, my sister forgot about me. shant go into details, but all i can say is that it made me so upset, to the point where i go all red just thinking about it. to the point where i could cause a waterfall. oh my goodness, i've been wallowing in so much negativity to the extent i dont know what to do about it. all i want to do is indulge in vices that keep me light and deluded. which is so totally not good. oh wells. at this very point in time, i dont see the need to forgive or try any more. i think i need time off.

ahh. i dont think i can take another person forgetting. oh wells.

i seem to be pushing people away.
help.

the freedom writers. the one show i've been wanting to watch, and i finally managed to catch it today. all i can say is, wow. im amazed at how wonderful hope is. im amazed at the effort people put in to make a change. im amazed at the way things can work out somehow.. with faith. there were times in life when i felt like i was living a nightmare. times when i felt that my life was quite bumpy, with so many obstacles in play. and oh boy, was i so wrong. the freedom writers once again opened my eyes to the luxury im living. it opened my eyes to the life which im so blessed with, and yet, i somehow sometimes take it for granted. the past few weeks have been horrid, and when i think back about all that i've done, and all that i've been through, i realised that its the choices i make that make things good or bad. it doesnt matter what people think about me, or the past misdeeds that i've committed. what matters is that i know that i can make a difference, and i can decide whether or not things will go well for me, or not. it seems to all be a matter of opinion, of perception. the past few weeks i had chosen to see things from a very negative point of view. i chose to see my life as mundane, and meaningless. and all this while, i thought no one could feel more shit than me. it even hit the point whereby i thought i was on the brink of depression. but now i see, i can choose to make everything worthwhile. i can choose to say, "hey, things arent that bad. i can get through it." and im right. i can. as much as i may be upset, beaten down, or angry about situations and events, i know that i can get through it. all it takes is just some optimism. the freedom writers reiterated my stand on how we always have choices to make, and that i need not be so bogged down with the way things dont go my way. i figured, i just need to sort things out, and cross the bridge with planks of hope. i feel much better knowing that there are many people fighting the disease of disappointment, anger, and fallen hope. and i know that no matter what, i can get through this.

alright, this feels like a super pep talk, but it helps. just wish i could share everything with someone i trust, and i know who'll never judge me. ahh. life. im inspired.

sigh. i really never expected things to turn out this way. i did what i had to do, but i dont think anything can ever make it better. all i know is that i feel more alone than ever.

thunder.

sometimes i feel like a really bad sister who cant get her sisters to listen. grr.

i feel so.. sullen. its as though the entire day just sank into the gloomy pits of yesteryears. i think i was reminiscing. i think, i was thinking. as usual, i sat myself down and scanned through the week just past, and i wondered, was it fulfilling? did i make full use of it? was it worth going through the trouble to plan some things? was it worth going out with some of them? ahh poops. thinking really makes me all melancholic. i can do without the emo.

in any case, im in the school's SA now. meaning im a Student Ambassador btw. it was quite unexpected actually, to suddenly be granted an interview without even asking. in any case, i really am looking forward to actually having smth to do in school, despite how some of the people make me feel. oh wells. just hope things go fine.

hmmm, and for next block, the class has split. im really upset with the arrangement, and the people im with. not that i dont like any of my classmates, but the prospect of TP without claire, dion, jake, drea or angie is quite upsetting. for starters, these are the people i've actually warmed up to, compared to the rest im with. sigh, its just... really saddening. i dont like this feeling. but then again, i should just suck thumb and move on with life.. and make friends. so yeah. shall not think about it too much.

well, other than that, i would say it was great meeting up with xian jie, and ling. the feeling was.. nice. relaxed. enjoyable. i really like that feeling. haha and i just have to mention that my misadventure with an exercise ball has left my knees scraped. ask me if you see it, its pretty entertaining. ooh! and the o.c. is like, constantly on my computer screen. watching it brings me away from reality. just looking at how each scene plays out and how the teens at orange county unravel each passing day make me wonder how life'd be like if i lived there too. ahh, but too much drama. oh wells. its still extremely entertaining though. aha thanks to ts, i now have something to preoccupy myself with.

tmr's sunday. okay, not exactly tmr, but when i wake up, it would be SUNDAY. and i have nothing to do. gone are the days when i had to go for cat class. gone are the days when i would have something to do in church on sunday mornings. gone are the days when i'd be busy. its funny how i love it, and yet, abhore it at the same time. i feel like im... floating away. ahh, oh wells. i dont quite want to think about what people have been telling me to do about my life. cos it just is pretty annoying. sigh. i want monday to come soon. i want to get freedom writers from terence. i want to watch the o.c. yeahh.

ahh. i dont know what i'd do without ts.
i dont know what i'd do without sleep.
i dont know what i'd do without people.
im in TPSA now. or at least under probation.
i've got a new phone. D900i. its pretty slick.
i wanna watch the butterfly effect. its jake's.
friends are so impt, & yet.. distant sometimes.
jake says i rap. & i quote, "like crazy black ppl."
i enjoy watching movies that make me think.
ts & i thought a lot today. thinking's tedious.
i dont know what to do now other than sleep.
i need to go to bed. after vetting joel's story.
ahh. its time to have a good rest. gdnight.

i feel so bad now.
gosh, i really wonder how i can be such a dimwit.
i didnt mean for all the tension to arise.
i didnt mean to make things difficult for you.
sigh.

its finally the holidays. im totally stoked with the idea of having two weeks off to myself. oh boy, it sure feels good. although, some issues are weighing on my mind..
was talking to drey ytd about people, and perceptions. what do people think about, and why dont they say what they really feel instead of hiding it inside? sometimes, i would very much rather people tell me what they honestly feel rather than having me to second guess. sigh. maybe im just thinking too much. maybe im letting forbidden emotions get into the way of things. maybe i try too hard. oh wells.

school.
it had never occurred to me that i could actually be so open with this group of people whom i have only known for about half a year. my behaviour around them is just so andrea.. its just so me. i find myself comfortable to sing my lungs out. comfortable enough to scream and go crazy. comfortable enough to speak my mind, though when it comes to sharing personal stuff, i'd very much rather keep to myself. but the fact that i can belt out in song in the midst of the hectic schedule of everyday reaffirms me of the andrea i am, unlike the persona i may cast on myself whilst in church or anywhere else. maybe i am happier. but, the inability to share my emotions make it hard for me when im with them. the feelings that stir when something unexpected crops up leaves me stranded, crying out silently for attention which i know i will never receive despite my constant effort to try to make things go a level higher. why do i bother to plan and reach out when sometimes, the people on the other end clearly only want things for their own benefit? i have no idea. everyone has their flaws, and i dont expect to be loved in return. but in any case, im just glad t02 has been united enough to support each other. i certainly hope when we split i dont end up in a class void of emotion and full of competition. yes, competition is good, but not when envy becomes the cornerstone in the tasks that lies ahead.
i begin to contemplate the acts i have carried out, the words i've used, the feelings that i've withheld. am i being a child of God who loves? or have i fallen to the vices of the world? sigh.

i dont know why im wondering so much today, and why thinking has taken its seat on the throne of my mind. sigh. i just want things to be good. but will that be the case as time goes by? i doubt. angie said, pessimism lessens the disappointment. let pessimism take its place before hope? hmmm.

im just so glad that despite how screwed up life can be, God somehow always sends someone. and i really mean always. yes, i do get emo and feel like no one's there, but i know there is someone. ahh cant quite explain what im feeling now, but all i know that is, it will definitely be revealed in twenty years time. hopefully i can cope with it til im forty. ahh oh wells.

no reservations. sweet. i like.

and i shall reserve my emotions for people more worthy.
wheee~

i like taking pictures.

friendships. such a pure and simple thing, and yet, it can turn into something complicated. just like how friendships start and blossom. its a two way street, but at times i feel like im the only car moving there. its interesting how i try to make something work, only to fall flat on my face with feelings of disappointment. if the opposite doesnt want to do something about it, there's nothing much i can do to nurture anything. oh wells. in any case, sparks are important.

i find there are many times in my life when i just try so hard. just to keep a friendship going. but i now realise, that its either you click, or you dont.
wow, thats like, difficult.

ahh.

i feel fifteen again.
and its not doing me good.

oh drey, it feels so stupid.
i dont quite know what to say.
what if it affects me drastically?
argh.

jealousy.

a common human trait that never ceases to continuously plague our minds with thoughts of selfishness and want. the very emotion that stirs the inner most self-centred desires to the peak of its oddity, driving people to the edge of mental insanity, or destructive behaviour.

ahh.

i dont like jealousy.
but i cant deny its presence either.

oh dear. im like thinking again.
haha drea's being drea.
i cant help but wonder, will people say no when they really have to? or are some people just totally afraid to say what they really feel just so they can avoid hurting someone else's feelings? but in that process of allowing things to happen, do they actually realise the extent at which it has caused the other party to think about? the extent to which deductions or assumptions are made constantly so as to find an equilibrium to the unearthed answers? ahh. i think thinking can really make one go ka-ray-zee. but in any case, i still cant help but wonder if it was really a no. if it was supposed to be a no. aahhh. its annoying. and i honestly dont quite know why i care.

and gosh, i really dont like it when people dont reply after hours. i mean, if you're busy, just say talk to you later or smth? and when you do say talk to you later, just do it. i find myself waiting, which turns out to be so silly. gosh, i need to stop being so sensitive.

i have concluded that my emo/reflecting/thinking periods come once a week. it has seemingly become a weekly affair, sometimes even more than twice a week. having time out to think about my life and the way i've lived through it makes me so much more aware of my feelings, habits, behaviours and actions. and when i finally see what i've been doing, i find myself on a thin line, unsure of whether what i've been doing has been right or wrong. i find that there are many times in life when things seem so good, but eventually acutally cause us to go rotten inside. rotten in the sense whereby one moment i feel so good, but the next moment i find myself being eaten up every moment, gasping for breath as it gets stolen with each second that passes. gosh. its an indescribable feeling that cannot be salvaged.

im lost.
and tired too.

the past few days have been pretty hectic. tired, but still fun. i find myself gathering all kinds of positive energy, and im happy. haha i dont quite know what it is that im saying but all i know is that im happy.

whining to ts is so entertaining. he like totally gets frustrated like a father who just wants to strangle his kid. wahahaha. fun sia.

and i like waffles.
more please!

omg you just dont get it, do you?
so exasperating, having to blatantly drop hints and yet you just step over it as though it means nothing.
but well, maybe it IS nothing to you.

hahaha doesnt that sound emo? omg im feeling so lame and bored now to the point whereby im actually writing rubbish. wheee~ im thinking about 'tickle me emo'. damn funny sia. and oh man, i gotta get up early.. haha.

i think i should try not to let my emotions get the better of me. the negativity somehow bounces off me and hits anyone in my path. i need to think rationally.
woah, if not for buddy-g, i'd probably have gone all emo on some other human and make him feel so guilty for backing out on plans last minute. ahh. drea drea drea. think think think.
i need to study. but im not doing anything. i dont think i'll sleep.

so much is just going through my head now. but for starters, i would say things are getting better now. hmmm, i've made a decision which i feel has purely made me so lifted that i just wanna float away into the clouds. it feels good. but despite that short lived relievement, other things have bogged me down. hmph.
and that other thing, is people. gosh. i really cant stand it when people just cant tell me straight what they really feel about certain situations. like, if you dont want to, just say so. dont wait til i call you. and its only polite if you reply. ahh. oh wells.

the modules for this block are interesting, yet seemingly tough. the others said its relatively easy, but i beg to differ. there's this total need for time management, which im still trying to grasp. so yeah. hopefully i get something good out of these two modules, and holidays, please come soon.

tmr gonna catch rush hour 3. wonder if its worth.. wonder if it'll be good. hmmm. but.. i dont know the plans for tmr, neither do i want to start msging. i always do that, only to be ignored. so i'll just wait, for once, for someone to contact me. planning stuff all the time may be something i do often, but that doesnt make it an obligation.

ahh. im tired.

woah. if i could jot down every thought i had in my head today, it would be millions. like totally ya. i mean, there is just so much that runs through my brain, leaving me with little time to actually brood over one particular event. but in any case, all i thought of today was just to do... work. gosh, i had never thought i would experience this kind of stress again. it feels good knowing that my brains just have to work and not falter or i'd just DIE. oh wells.
school today was alright i guess. other than the fact that we have loads due on thurs and yet, here i am taking a break to jot down my thoughts. woah, the more i read my entries, the more i realise how emo i can actually be. ahh but anyways, today was good. met up with ts, and it is nice to know that there are people i can actually do work with. the feeling is pretty assuring. but something else clouded my mind today. and that was, the ministry im in. i have come to terms with the fact that holding on to something im not interested in will only make me cease to enjoy doing His work. and staying on merely for the sake of others is definitely not helping me. its making me super pissed and upset and annoyed. i've been like super bitchy the last few weeks. and gosh, that is totally not good. its to the point that people have seen me at a stage whereby i dont care about the words i use, or the extent im using it. its not good at all man.
sigh, but i guess thats life. i cant always uphold that image. i cant always force myself to be prim and proper and put on a front when im actually feeling so angry and upset. sheesh, im getting angsty. and all these emotions make me wanna get a stick. not good. havent felt that way in a long time. its like, withdrawal. poops.

and my whole theory about guys being weird, i would say its true. but somehow, due to their oddity, they become such fascinating creatures who never fail to entertain me. its amazing how God has created us to complement each other.
the entertainer, and the entertained.
oh wells.

SO MUCH TO DO!

ahh.

im so tired my head is screaming SLEEP. and the very thing i had wanted failed to materialize. voices. i need to hear that voice. the very voice that keeps me going, knowing that im able to be someone of use. knowing im needed, or remembered for that matter. but it ceased to happen. wishing is all i can do. oh wells. night loves.

http://www.truefriendtest.com/friendtest/872338

wanna attempt?

AAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.

there is so much to life that i just need to limit, or even take note of. so many mistakes i've made, and i realise that its just so difficult to adapt to all these changes. moreover, im not being who i am. i seriously need time to think about my life, and what im doing.
sigh.

i really enjoy long walks.
i really like having conversations.
i really love singing.
i really appreciate it when people listen.
i really need time to think.

Waiting for your call,
I'm sick, call I'm angry
Call I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat,
Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to,
to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and pollished,
I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious,
you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
When you are sitting next to me
Will bring life into my deepest hopes,
What's your fantasy?
(What's your, what's your...)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to,
to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone,
and this solitary moment
makes me want to come back home
(I know everything you wanted

isn't anything you have)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to,
to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to,
to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted

isn't anything you have)

maybe its just me, but somehow things seem to be going a bit.. odd. i mean, i didnt realise that the choices i make, though supposedly the right thing to me, would eventually make me seem like an idiot. it was only one night, but that one msg made me feel.. guilty. though i know i am not at fault, it made me feel like one totally bad friend. i didnt quite expect to ever be in this situation. i had never thought i could be the moron. wahh, seriously, its getting difficult. but then again, im just blessed to have someone to accompany me. having people around really takes my mind off things. this week has been super hectic. i really cant help it if i cant meet as often as i would like to. i really cant help it if i have meetings or if i need to do work. i really dont know why you have to act like this. if you got anything to say, just tell me straight. sigh. i think im emo for a reason, not just based on mere emotion. honestly, all i would like to do is to meet mr. geremi germ's creator and get happy feet. he seems to be the only one who's making me laugh nowadays.. oh wells.

hmmm. gwen stefani's 'four in the morning' is like replaying in my head like big time. kinda makes me think about the past.. why do i let myself fall into such situations? sigh. and the worst thing is, he doesnt care. oh wells. crap i hate thinking. thinking makes me fat.
and according to ts, thinking hurts.
i agree.

ahh. wirework is driving me nuts. i hate the smell of metal. i even hate using metal utensils. poops. but i know its only for the next few weeks.. like grr. in any case, im so screwed cos im not done with all my work and im not stressed over it. all i know is that im going to get some eyeshut real soon then wake up before day breaks to start working on whatever i have to.

went for mass at sfx today. goodie. the ambience was so different from that of other churches, and the priest wasnt mundanely boring. which was good. the stained glass that occupied most of the front of the church made me feel like a child all over again. safe in the arms of God in his wonderfully created world, away from the harsh realities of every breathing moment. the lector and cantor totally elevated the entire area for worship, and close listening. wow. i really like attending mass at sfx. it makes me feel.. closer to God. :)
had dinner with terence and chua after. great food, great company. oh boy, they never fail to make me smile. haha but never fail to make me emo either. we had this conversation whereby if everyone who made me emo were to die, there would be bloodshed. at least for the people close to me. ahh oh wells. that'll never happen. i love 'em too much.
and the calls to rach, von and chua were absolutely amusing! though chua was like.. hmmm. shall not say much. all i know is that i had a good time, though im terribly tired.

alrighto, gonna hit the sheets now.
night loves.

and girl, heck those morons.
BOYS ARE WEIRD, SMELLY, HEARTLESS CREATURES WHO SOMETIMES DONT THINK AND JUST ACT ALL BASTARD-Y. so yeah.

the firefight.
like totally awesome yaa. though they werent very hyped up, it was still good.. for my ears at least. like grr. well, at least i enjoyed myself. a lil.

and man, i've been like uber sensitive the past few days. or weeks for that matter. and its to the point when i get upset so easily, and its seriously pissing me off. its like, totally annoying. today i was like super affected cos of a friend's ignorance. and i cant believe that here i am trying to reach out to him and make this friendship work, and there he is blatantly ignoring my efforts to say 'im a friend and im here for you'. wahh, its freaking irritating, and upsetting. ahh maybe im just being too sensitive.
argh. and i was like upset for a moment cos i thought a friend was going to pangseh me again. oh crap i seriously think i have issues. or maybe im just pmsing. ahhh!
and sometimes i feel damn bad cos it seems as though im a deciding factor for some things. which has been cancelled in the end. argh. it just feels like im at fault. sigh.

help.
there's so much work and yet im slacking.
there's so much work and yet im emo-ing.
help.

caracal was good.
im glad i went, despite being upset and almost wanting to stubbornly stay in school and sulk. i really hate it when people back out at the last minute. gosh, luckily i hadnt left for esplanade first, or i'd be waiting stupidly. luckily yuan was going too, though she was also pangsehed by her friends. oh wells. zhen said i should be ready for this kind of nonsense to happen.. but, i really dont even like the idea of that. hmmm shall not think about that now.
had dinner with clar, yuan, dion and some new dude lun tat. haha damn funny lah! i laughed til my face turned red and my tummy hurt. gosh, the things we talk about when we get together.. lame sia. like seriously. but it was fun. though the three goondus dion, clar and tat ran off! as in literally! leaving yuan and i walking to the mrt. haha those goons.
yawn. i think i need sleep. and i think im getting really tired of everything.

isnt it interesting how one word can make you think so much? i know i've always been sensitive, but sometimes it just gets a lil too.. i dont know. im just so affected when people say something. not that i cant take criticism, its just that it makes me think about my life, and the way im acting. but when people say something, surely it means it has crossed their mind? as random as people are, they still say what they think. and that in itself, i feel, is room for pondering.
a friend casually said i was irritating. haha and though it was meant as a joke, its really got me thinking about what kind of person i am to people. do i really annoy the shit out of people sometimes? am i seen as loud, with disregard for others' feelings? do people think i am of no substance other than my ability to smoke my way through situations using vocabulary? have i really changed, or am i still as before? should i bother so much about what people think?
i would say yes. i guess thats one of the main things that havent changed.. my concern for what other's say/think/feel. be it with regards to me or themselves. oh wells. life brings about so many opportunities for change, and yet... i dont know.
sigh. thinking makes my head fat.

out one day.
walking one day.
out one day with you, hallelujah.
we found a wood with Trollys on wheels.
rolling all around the hills.
hallelujah.

i'd love to go on a trip.
just need to find time to do so..

i realised i prefer bbqs compared to steamboats.

and someone's painting outside my house.
the paint stinks.

i want to watch movies.
and go Baybeats.
the line up on sunday looks good.
hmmmm.

okay, gotta get to school now.

i feel spastic.

im full. with..
chocolate cake.
apple pie.
fudgy brownie.
carrot cake.

i think friends are funny.
but some make me feel...
hmmm.

croak.

i have no idea whats going on. why is everything seem to be getting a bit awry? why does it all seem to be going down the drain? oh gosh, lately i've been putting in so much effort only to get slapped in the face with a large trough of bullshit. i dont know why i even bother. i mean, i cant take it anymore! i dont like subjecting myself to this bullcrap, and yet, i still take it in. i totally abhore going through this emotional dip. its honestly taking its toll on me, to the extent that the big D may even come to play.. and thats the last thing i need. sigh. i was told not to think so much. i was told not to care about all those ignorant people. i was told not to worry about it all. but the fact is, it all affects me directly. and its making me wanna burst out like niagara falls. sigh. oh wells. nothing much i can do about anything already. shall not think about it.

its times like these when i see things..
see things the way i had hoped were not true.
many a times i find myself trying to do something, trying to make a difference hopefully in the lives of the people around me. and as much as i dont seem to do so for many, the few that dont take me for granted make me feel loved. its assuring.
today a lot of emotions have surfaced, at least on my part, and as much as i am upset i feel this way, i am still glad i am aware of what is going on in my life.
the effort that goes into the hope of a sort of bonding, seemed to have been flushed down the drain. disappointed? yes i am. but i cant help it if others dont appreciate. and so, i've decided. do unto others what others do unto me. at least at this point of time. cos everything seemingly seems to stagnant. and i feel unloved. its an oddly annoying feeling actually. oh wells.
there are moments when people are also so insensitive. surely we have this innate ability to sense a person's loss and sadness right? oh wells, but who am i to say anything. some people say im insensitive. hmmm, but its just upsetting to know that people whom you've journeyed with for such a long time can actually fail to see the hurt i've experienced. i know i shouldnt ask for much, but all it takes is just an 'are you okay?', and i'd know you care. thats all it takes.
and when people are feeling down, i think providing input on your point of view should come much later, especially if the person is having a battle with his/her emotions. have to juggle whatever logic you say and this turmoil of emotions can be pretty tiring. therefore, people, if im feeling down, and i decide to confide in you, please just LISTEN. thats all it takes. i dont need you to provide me with defences on your part or give me a lecture. just LISTEN.
oh wells, i seriously think i've got loads on my mind at this point of time, and typing it out here wouldnt ease the load. but i just wanna say thank you, to the people that have stuck by me.
zhen. :)
okay, gotta head to bed now before my biological clock gets all screwed again.
good night loves.

friendships.

hmmmm.

i think im beginning to get really thick skinned. to the point whereby my words just sounds so stupid and i make myself seem like a super not shy arrogant brat. i think i have to stop it. its becoming super nonsense lah. but oh wells. hopefully time'll fix things.

okay okay today, or rather yesterday evening, was the knights' commissioning. i was like super happy to see gerald, terence, tim, iggy, mel, noel and benji getting knighted! like seriously super proud of them lah! but in any case, the entire event was spectacular. all i can say is that God is truly amazing.

haha during supper, terence and i were like seriously stoned to the music. ahaha im sure mosey would know what on earth i was talking about. it was super funny lah! but oh wells, im so glad i've found a friend in stanley.

and right now at this very point of time, all i want to say is that.. its been super long since i last felt like that about any living being. the HOTNESS. like omg. seriously, i was like going all *thump thump* and telling van, rach, ron, drey and gerald about how i felt. so paiseh lah! but im so glad i saw mango. haha zhen, you'll know what im talking about.

okay okay enough nonsense. i think i should head to bed soon. really need to move on with life.. oh wells.

the past few weeks have seriously made me super.. i dont know how to say. its like, the entire sequence of events have proved to be extremely upsetting and i know as much as i should stop thinking about it and move on with life, i cant. the impact it has had on me constantly makes me wonder, what on earth am i doing with my life? why do i subject myself to such mental torment and allow all this get to me? i mean, im cheerful bubbly aint-gonna-let-nothing-get-me-down drea. but.. everything * says or does totally makes me go nuts. and - is seriously annoying. the very look, sound or smell of - makes me wanna turn and run. ahhhh im so gonna slap myself. like seriously.

no school today! thought there was, til joel told me steph said no. and so, i lazed in bed. oh boy, have i been a bum. but despite being so, i feel like i've not had enough of holidays. the entire month of june was packed with work, church, and social work. there are times when i wish i could stay home, slack and do nothing but play ps2 or use the computer. that kind of life is seriously a waste of time, but having opportunities to lead that kind of lifestyle could really help one to destress.

in any case, the past few days with some of them was pretty awesome..
van rach kev james ron chua mel tim.
haha i never really expected to spend so much time with them, but in any case, it was good. really looking forward to sat.. haha hope it'll be a blast. weeee~!

shopped and shopped and shopped today.
i found so many awesome CDs that i just dont know which one to get! almost died trying to stop myself from splurging all my money away.. but then again, come on! i found albums from..

Anberlin- Cities
Funeral For A Friend- Tales Don't Tell Themselves
The Used- Lies for the Liars (DVD Special)
Saosin (Self titled)
Relient K- Five Score and Seven Years Ago
Jack Johnson- Brushfire Fairytales
Mambo Jambo- The Phenomenon 2007

omg its like totally cool i tell you. haha im so gonna save up loads and loads of cash to support originals! esp Anberlin and The Used, judging from the fact that they're totally fabulous.

but in any case, i would say the highlight of the day was...
"achar is not a vegetable" - rachel er
basically, i had nasi padang for dinner, and one of the sides was achar. rach looked at it and said it wasnt a vegetable. hahaha i mean, come on, if it isnt, then what is it? kevin totally teased her like nuts. haha oh wells. ridiculous, i tell you. but i really had fun.
thanks guys, you make everyday memorable.

alrighto!
school begins tmr. hope it'll be exciting!
so yeah.

emo-ness is driving me nuts.

holidays are coming to an end soon.
wow, its been real wonderful, but..
so many things have happened.
i cant quite grasp it.
oh well.

ANBERLIN!

OH MY GOSH THEY ARE LIKE TOTALLY AWESOME AND I JUST CANT SEEM TO GET THEM OUT OF MY HEAD IM JUST ABSOLUTELY BOWLED OVER BY HOW GOOD THEY ARE LIVE AND ALL THESE SONGS IN MY HEAD KEEP ON GOING ON REPLAY ANBERLIN HAS GOT TO BE ONE OF THE FEW DOWN TO EARTH AND SINCERE BANDS I'VE EVER MET OH MAN THE AMOUNT I SPENT IS JUST WORTH IT AND I DONT THINK I'LL EVER MISS ANYONE OF THEIR GIGS IN FUTURE HAHAHA ALL I KNOW IS THE PAST TWO NIGHTS HAVE BEEN AN EXPERIENCE THAT CAN NEVER BE REPLACED BY ANY HUMAN MEANS POSSIBLE AND I JUST CANT WAIT FOR THEM TO RETURN TO SINGAPORE AND STRUT THEIR STUFF AGAIN ANBERLIN IS THE POWER.

its been so eventful.
like seriously.
the retreat has really made me open my eyes..
and my heart.
im just really glad i went.

im happy, but...
thinking.

hmmmmm. oh wells.

i've got so much on my mind now. dont really want to think. oh wells. the day's been long. hmmm.

Naive Orleans - Anberlin

Come and go now as you please
Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
And you just sing

And I finally found
that life goes on without you
And my world still turns
when you're not around

Is this the way you want it?
Is this the way it has to be?
Sitting here beside you
But my heart's lost in New Orleans
Dreams come clever
Hearts now severed
Difference of forever
And I am lost there

Come and go now as you please
Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
And you just sing along out loud

yawn, im like really sleepy now, and all i wanna do is sleep. but that would be such a complete waste of time judging from the fact that its 3.52pm in the afternoon. well, in any case, here's an update.

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
wow. its like, totally awesome. im serious. words can hardly explain my excitement, contentment and my experience. everything about the production has bowled me over, and at this very moment in time, i am lost for words. but i shall not divulge any significantly exhilarating information here on this journal. but if you ever see me, i am more than ready (and willing) to share with you my experience that faithful wednesday night. all i can say is, YOU MUST CATCH IT. its TOTALLY WORTH IT. (despite that fact that it was $145 per ticket). super super super.

DON'T LOOK BACK.
hahahahaha. i've totally got no comments. well, in case you are unaware of what im saying, Don't Look Back is actually a malay horror film. i cant believe i actually paid for that nonsense. hmmm, caught the film with sz ade imran marc joeyee. the whole film was ridiculously funny, i tell you!
i mean, firstly, the lead was not hot.
secondly, the effects were not realistic.
thirdly, the cast used weird intonations in their voices that made me laugh.
fourthly, the ghost is super ugly! and she had long messy black hair and a charred face, along with long wrinkly fingers that she waves in circles, supposedly trying to scare the lead. and there was this one scene where it looked like the ghost was too tired to walk and just decided to drag her damn long heavy body across the living room floor. she looked like a dysfunctional vacuum cleaner.
and lastly, it was just DAMN HILARIOUS.
i think the last sentence captures it all. i mean, initially zhen and i were laughing like goondus over every single retarded scene, and it was to the extent that people turned to look at us. but little did they expect themselves to be laughing too. what morons.
oh wells. but the night was fun.
hmmm played daidee, watched tv, and slept in a super dusty room.
wahh. the dust was extreme. i almost choked.

TP Campus Care Network Day.
i cabbed down only to find out that i could choose my shift to tend to some silly fruit salad stall. moreover, as much as the fruit salad did taste good, it wasnt appetising, nor was it healthy. oh wells. and my time spent in school today was like totally wasted. but for the sake of my obedient and good reputation, i shall persevere! hahahah okay, bet some people are rolling their eyes now.

hmmm thats about it i guess. gonna shower then meet that woman. take care loves.

how often do you find that someone you can really share your life with?
someone who listens to you without judging your words, actions or thoughts?
how lucky are we to find that someone whom we can call our best friend?

i never really believed in best friends, only believed in good ones. for i was always afraid of putting so much into a friendship to the extent that in the end if things dont work out, i will be terribly upset.
but i realised that if there's no input, there's no output. if we dont give, how can we expect to receive? i now know that in every relationship, we must put in effort. otherwise, it'll be too late to make any amends.

in any case, all i want to say is that i've really found an awesome and true friend, and i love her so. she knows it, so enough said.

shall head to bed now.
good night loves.

i am happy today. despite the tiredness and the many hours of drawings earlier in school in the afternoon, i am still happy. haha didnt really expect it. i mean, i thought about it today, cos i was afraid i'd forget.but then when i was reaching home, i got it. wow, the feeling was like.. AWESOME. i really dont know what to say or how to say it. as much as i shouldnt be so thrilled over such a small thing like that, the fact is that i still am. oh wells. most people wont have any idea what im talking about, but i think i know, can already. hahaha LOL im just really happy now. :)

aarons.

too many.

feels like so much.
i need time.
maybe it'll be good.
i dont know.
why.
i miss the torchlight dance.
oh wells.

RANDOMS.

the assignments are piling up.

is it difficult to say NO?

i need direction.

you've got the curse of curves.

nut and noods are totally CUTE.

music is totally amazing.

what if i cant cope?

i like people.

do people like me?

but i still like people.

i've got birds in my ears.

naughty.

cute is what we aim for.

the bunch is interesting.

driving licenses.

pictures make awesome memories.

friends dont do that!

cold baby octopuses.

i just gave myself the shivers.

birds give me the creeps.

i miss the old NASKT.

lazy boy.

i look seventeen.

buddy-G.

commitment issues.

i heart strawberry gummy chocs.

sleep is good.

i dont break hearts, i just dent them.


ANDREA

being with them made the day good.
charmz, geri.
i really missed you guys!
along with the rest.
pity jie yi friend and jas couldnt make it..
but in any case, it was still good.

hmmm, went over to josh's place for his bday/housewarming party.. he invited MI peeps, so most of the people were familiar faces. hmmm rachel was a pretty interesting character.. reminded me of jas, but totally unique nonetheless. haha the rest were just usual faces.. oh, and seeing mario was fab too! carebear hugs havent felt so good. and not forgetting the bday boy, who was in a SHORT-sleeved shirt. fantastic. ooh and the food was wonderful too! :)

took quite a bit of random shots.
and the LRT ride was super!
hahaha charmz, geri, bec, drea.
we're just enjoying ourselves.

hmmm, caught spiderman3 just now.. it was pretty alright. draggy at the beginning, but the fight scenes kinda made up for it. overall an alright show.. was expecting something more spectacular though.
oh wells.

okay okay enough said.
i gotta sleep now.

it was the first day.
good, i would say.
although my course mates.
i have yet to relate.
but time will tell,
and soon it'll be well.
however for now it seems,
i need time to dream.

Risque

I got birds in my ears
And a devil on my shoulder
And a phone to the other
And I can't get a hold of her
And what's a crush to do?
What's a crush to do when he can't get through?

Medically speaking you're adorable
And from what I hear you're quite affordable
But I like them pricey
So exaggerate and t-t-t-t-t-t-trick me
Pretty please, just trick me
Pretty please

I got birds in my ears
And a devil on my shoulder
And a phone to the other
And I can't get a hold of her
And what's a crush to do
What's a crush to do when he can't get... through?

I'm obsessed and stressed with this mess
I can't think of things
To write down
To type down
And these fingertips are moving faster than these lips
So you can only imagine how jealous my mouth is
So you can only imagine how jealous my mouth is

I got birds in my ears
And a devil on my shoulder
And a phone to the other
And I can't get a hold of her
And what's a crush to do
What's a crush to do?
What's a crush to do?

I got birds in my ears
And a devil on my shoulder
And what's a crush,
And what's a crush to do?

Yeah (yeah)
Yeah
Ohhhh
I turn on a dime, spin me around
So you can shine, shine right now
We'll even have a crowd
We'll make this purchase count

Medically speaking you're adorable
And from what I hear you're quite affordable
But I like them pricey
So exaggerate and t-t-t-t-t-t-trick me

I got birds in my ears
And a devil on my shoulder
And what's a crush to do?
And what's a crush to do?

I got birds in my ears (I got birds in my ears)
And a devil on my shoulder (And a devil on my shoulder)
And what's a crush to do
When he can't get through, when he can't get a hold of her?

What's a crush, what's a crush to do?



-Cute Is What We Aim For-

some guys are just so not worth it.

night out with zhen and nat was good.
so physically exhausted though.
but it was good just chatting.

the history boys.
interesting.
i like.

thoughts.
never ceases.
never stops.
uncomprehending.
and yet, a myriad.
however, still a total enthrallment.

i will continue.
to soak in bliss.

im not exceptionally happy today. despite the fact that the news that reached my ears yesterday evening caused me to be estatic, the events that unfolded as the day went on dissipated that very joy.
i was so pissed with that bus conductor. he really made the beginning of the day awful. not gonna go into details here. but if you wanna know, i can tell you when i see you next.
but aaron and shawn really made my time in TP much better. i didnt expect company. really, i didnt. somehow they were like God-sent dudes to make my morning a whole lot happier.
hmmm met up with zhen. cabbed. ex. but i needed that break. we spoke. we laughed. we ate. we drank. we walked. we shopped. we enjoyed. im just glad i got someone like her. well, like we always say, "i know you love me.". hahaha.
im just feeling extremely tired now, but i may be meeting them for the usual wed event.. but not sure. see how it goes.
and nat babe, im here for you.
even if it means just to listen.

i can see it in your eyes

you mean all of what you say

i remember so long ago

see, i felt that same way

seeing the children today really made my day.. they just make everything seem alright.
feel real sad for nana though. i wouldnt know how much it would hurt her as a mother, but if it was me, as only a friend, i would be extremely upset and disappointed.. but oh wells. i dont have any advice to give her. all i can do is listen, and pray.

ron came down for lunch.. haha gosh, the weather was so humid! and HOT. seriously. we were perspiring under the sweltering heat. moreover, we had sambal fried rice for lunch. HEATY. haha but it was good having him around. took some time to chat.. thanks darling!

met up with the usuals for dinner.. hmmm.
zhen, kat, nat, nia, wen, joyce, manda.
swensens? ice cream.
caught up with a few of them..
gossip. HOT gossip.
and the things we spoke of in that small restaurant was obscene and raw. i wasnt surprised to see the change in the faces of the staff there.. haha it was absolutely hilarious. but in any case, time spent with them was worthwhile. oh! and FINALLY. we can meet and HEAR each other. no need for screaming and competing against loud music at zouk.

something triggered the thinking all over again. once again, i thought of *. darn, it was like a flood of memories rushing into my head, telling me that though it was awesome, it will never work out. like NEVER. cos we just dont click. hahaha oh wells. i'll get over it.

okay, finally, i conclude for the day that..
I NEED TO STOP CONSUMING CHOCOLATE.
in all honesty, i do.
before i start getting zits.
hahaha LOL.

:)

today was nice.

van, ron, aaron, anthony.
time spent with you guys was good.
CORN! CHIPS! GREEN TEA! SUSHI! CAR RIDES! SANDWICHES!
pity the R wasnt with us..
she and her mahjong.
FOREVER lah.
haha but then again, you guys are so into mahjong too.. oh wells. i dont quite understand how that very activity can amuse a bunch a people and leave them glued to their seats.
hahaha oh wells.

and daddy and i have come up with this fantastic layout with regards to our home! we sketched out the floor plan of our living room after supposedly rearranging the furniture, and ta-daa!
beauty. simplicity. space.
i like.

hmmm alrighty. i just hope this week will be super awesome! gonna meet up with the usuals, the VAAAR, and the skit team. and im like awaiting THE CALL. as to whether my dream to enter public school will be realised or not. so, wait i will. and that NOKIA CARE CENTRE better call me soon or i'll just flip. it's been more than a month! poops.

okay. tonight must rest early! long day tmr. and i miss the children so much. its really odd.. cos i was only away on fri, and yet.. the feeling of not being there to take care of them is surprisingly exasperating. weird. oh wells.

good evening loves!

darn.
fever.
aches.

hurt.
over.
stop.

tired.
sleepy.
tonight.

and happy birthday daddy.

im in shock as to how everything unfolds. as to how situations leave me confounded with questions that baffle my every thought. im left stranded trying to find my way out of this stormy sea of perplexity. its getting tiring.. i dont even know why i bother.
i just want to be happy.
in any case, the call gave me so much hope. now, the only thing i can do left to do is do my best and leave it in the hands of God.

but thoughts they change
and times they rearrange
dont know who you are anymore

hmmm, the day's been good. it was just really good seeing all those familiar faces that make going to church on sundays oh-so-worthwhile. well, i totally didnt realise that class was not combined today! jenna and i like totally freaked. fortunately, gerry and jo helped us out, so we split the class by half.. the lesson went well, i would say, though i didnt do any teaching or talking.. maybe thats why it went alright. initially, i was delegated a part, but i was so stressed to the point that i told jo "i cant.". i usually dont say no. but today, i was feeling so down and demoralized at how little i knew, and how little i had to say with regards to the seven sacraments. and the pain didnt make things any better. oh wells. after class there was a meeting for the camp skit.. it went well, i would say. i just hope the cast that God provides will prove to be the awesome-est. its so important.. so yeah.

after a super lunch, the rest of the catechists and i attended this workshop which supposedly was supposed to provide us with knowledge on how to carry out a lesson. basically, teaching us presentation skills.. to my surprise, i felt that the speaker himself had loads to learn instead. oh wells. the bottom line is, i now know more of what i should not do. in any case, i just enjoyed spending time listening to different people's opinions with regards to the afternoon spent.

hmmm i wanted so much to see him, but.. odd.

alrighty, gonna start work tmr. for a few weeks.. and im totally looking forward to may 5th! housewarming and bday at josh's. omg its been like so long since i last saw them.. i miss them so much like nonsense man. hahaha cant wait! and josh says im still the carebear he used to know.. that really made me smile.

anyways..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLINGS!
kathie ho ye teng.
daisy joan khng hui shan.
hope you girls enjoyed yourselves today.

okay, gonna grab some dinner now..
take care loves.

buddy-G, i told.

and things are different now..

but at least i got it out of my system.



hmmm my bio-clock is a little bit late.
okay, not a little.. a whole lot.
its like, i used to sleep at 12?
now, its 4 am for me.
i have to change!
because..
im gonna start work soon.
LSH SGH.


went bowling with van and gerald ytd.. gosh, i was totally terrible at it lah! as in honestly. their average score was like at least 110+, and mine was... 50+? hahaha poopie i gotta train.. wonder where my parents' awesome bowling genes went to..

in any case, it was super awesome spending time with them..

alrighty, its time for me to head to bed.. got a super long day tmr, and i dont intend to sleep through it.

take care dearies!

VAAAR.

blog-hopping..
and a thought struck me.

VAAAR.
i really love you guys.
its just amazing how we found each other, and how God led me to you. in all honesty, i never thought i'd ever be able to build solid friendships with you guys.. it just never occurred to me that it was possible. but now i know how it feels like to have you all around. you guys really make my life meaningful.

VANESSA.
ms buaya. wahh all these years i've known you and yet we failed to find each other.. until now. 2007 really rocks with you and the rest of VAAAR lah. but seriously, im so glad i've got you.. someone i can share my life with, talk crap to, be myself and not hide. its just something really special, and i really treasure you. lets meet more, laugh more, and indulge! you'll forever be my indulgence buddy.

AARON.
chua. it started with the hugs. hahaha no idea how such a simple act could actually result in such a wonderful friendship. i remember i always saw you as the tall one (with the taller brother). but now, you're no longer just the TALL one. you're my FRIEND. and when i say FRIEND, i dont mean anything flimsy. i mean SOLID. hahaha okay, dont think dirty, darling.

AARON.
ron. mpm lead me to you. the hi-byes made us friends. facilitation made you a buddy. its super amazing how each step we took slowly built up this bridge. i really enjoy the long chats with you, the trying-to-figure-out-what-dirty-things-you're-saying moments. its been awesome lah, really. haha ron ron ron.. you need to help me 'train' and stop me from saying things with puns.

RACHEL.
we've known each other for like.. almost 6 years? and all that time we never really spoke. until 2007. its like, WOW. i really have no idea how we started journeying with each other.. all the retarded calls and hilariously silly antics. not to mention our BLUR-NESS. its been so much fun. and I KNOW I MAKE YOU LAUGH(haha so random + ego). but in any case, lets keep this friendship going.

VAAAR.
you guys really make 2007 special.
you guys really make everything oh-so-fun.
I LOVE YOU!

xoxoxo
drea
120407

YAWN.

i've said stupid things.

im completely drained.
exhausted.
though i didnt really do much..
well, just got back home.
was at mich's chalet..
hmmm zhen joyce and i just made a fun din.
it was good.
but...
just hope mich is feeling better.

sentosa made me perspire.
woah, the sun was scorching, i tell ya.
but it was good all the same.
and carl's was like the ultimate!
shiok.

okay, a huge shoutout to all the birthday girls..
AUDREY!
MICHELLE!
GERALDINE!
JANE!
you guys are getting older man.
hahaha LOL.

okay, im gonna get some sleep now.
need energy for tonight.

:)

ALRIGHTY GOOD DAY EVERYONE.

the final week.

time to enjoy.

:)

oh no. i did let myself get affected, and i fell a little. i cant believe all the stupid things i said and did.. i never meant it to seem D, i just needed answers.. but i shall not seek anymore. otherwise things may just get awry.. thats the last thing i want.
drey said it could be 60%.. sigh. what if it is? then that is really bad. real real bad. i should never feel anything above 30% if i know it wont work out.. and yet.. i.. dont know. argh!
time to stop.
time to move on.

yawn. feeling really tired, only had four hours of sleep last night.. i didnt realise how i tired i was until the moment when i settled down and just sat. my body totally shut down after that. I NEED SLEEP.

hmmm.. in any case, HAPPY EASTER everyone.

the feeling is like.. wahh.
i really dont know why it feels that way.
hmmm anyways, the past few days have been pretty interesting.. did a lot of things that i've never before, and i enjoyed every single moment of it. but it did result in feelings that i didnt expect.. weird.
its like, you know it wont work out, and that it never will, no matter how much the signs may say something, it could very well be your misinterpretation. and to go all out to do something special, only to deliver it without much fancy, makes it so not fulfilling. but no regrets. all i hope for is to keep in line, and not do anything stupid that may affect whatever is already there. i mean, i should never expect anything. for it is only when you least expect something that it becomes meaningful and more memorable.
and so, i leave this confusing entry with yet again an unsolved mess in my head. a mess that i wish to untangle but if i do so, i may just fall apart. gosh, i hope God helps me out here a little before i fall too deep and start thinking too much. i refuse to hit the state of a head full of white. and so, i shall live in my mental cell and try to make sense of the things that affect my oh-so-easily-affected mind.

the time i'd spent doing the things i did these past few days have created feelings that i've never felt before.. and its making me a tad bit confused. well, its nothing big.. just that home doesnt feel like what it used to, and different people are starting to make a change in my life.. i dont know how to accept the changes, and the fact that what people feel about me may not necessarily be how i feel about them.. its just making a whole load of disorganized sense. okay okay i dont think im making things easier to understand, so i shall not brood over it..

well, zhen mentioned that she browsed through my journal in the hopes of seeing her name.. hmmm seeing how we've been friends for so long, i shall just indulge her a little bit..
SIOK CHING IS MY FRIEND.
hahahaha lameness.

and its 20 hours more til someone's 21st!
hmmm. but poops, soon it'll be our turn to grow old.
oh wells.

i am going to try to sleep soon.

met up with wen, mich and joyce for dinner today. hmmm, after our evening of thai dining and window clothes/shoe shopping, we finally settled our butts down onto the couches at starbucks.. mmm iced caramel macchiato! yum.
and so, we began our random, undirected conversations which lead us to one main issue.. and that was.. AGE.
it suddenly struck me how fast time was zooming by. we've reached this point whereby we either cross the line into adulthood or remain in our perpetually happy teen zone. and i dont know whether im ready to cross it or not..
so basically, i was just sharing with them how i felt about the whole big 2-0.. that its really rushing straight into our faces, and i just want it to stop!
gosh. the moment we hit our twenties, we have so much to accomplish..
build our reputation..
get a stable job..
find a significant other..
produce significant others..
hahaha just so many things to accomplish in a decade, and it definitely doesnt seem like a lot of time to begin with.
okay, you may think that i/we are thinking way too far, and its pretty realistic actually. alright, i dont know how to explain myself, but whatever it was, joyce and i were like totally freaking out with the whole idea of leaving teenage life.. woah! rush.
hahaha and jiawen mentioned that 'age' is just a number, but this number means a whole lot. hahahaha.
oh wells. all i can say is, we've gotta learn to embrace the age issue! and kiss it when it comes.

okay, wed.. come soon.

its like, everything suddenly feels the way it was in the past. all these feelings that cannot be tolerated, controlled, or understood. i dont know why i feel this way.. its like, the last thing i need.
its people, i suppose, who created this. the day went really awful.. people i love suddenly had this attitude that was so unlike them. it was as though i was at the receiving end of all their semi-conscious actions. i dont know.. all i know is that im feeling really poop-ie now.
i just dont know how to put all these feelings into words.. i need some kind of refreshment. i need some form of retreat.
and im having this issue with regards to trusting. the past few weeks have left me wondering.. are people who they make themselves out to be, or is there some kind of facade that keeps me from knowing if they are being true.. i really hate trying to decipher their code which masks their uttermost basic being. not that i have to, but sometimes, if i dont, i might get hurt. and that has happened before.. its just absolutely annoying.
argh. i dont know what im feeling! cant seem to put my finger on it. i just need to relax man.
going for a swim now.

i think.
i think.
i think.

children.
adorable.
but should i?
for the year.
im considering..
its not easy.
am i ready?
joel said, "commit".
tough.
i dont know.
maybe i need time.
think.

friends.
are they worth?
why all the trouble..
its just unreciprocated love.
but i dont know.
love only if you're loved?
thats not a drea thing to do.
aaron said, "ignore".
zhen said, "heck".
is that the way to go?
i dont think so.
but..
its disappointing.
i keep on getting my heart broken.
not romantically, i mean.
im annoyed.
should i be?
okay, relax.

i need to do it.
it makes me feel poop-ie.
i feel so.. argh.

i think.
i think.
i think.

the week has been pretty hectic.. so many things have happened, and to even begin would take ages, so i'll just leave it as it is. all i know is that im looking at everything from a whole new perspective, and im so glad that God was the one who showed me how to.

the recent CC4 retreat had proven to be an extremely fruitful one. not only for the confirmants, but also for myself. i managed to find myself. i managed to see the good in me, rather than the not-so-good. i managed to find the confidence to believe in myself. and im a whole lot happier now.

hmmm, however, there is this one thing thats bugging me. and that is, friendship.
are friendships considered sincere and authentic only if its mutual?
im really puzzled as to whether we were friends for the right reasons to begin with. oh wells. im not too sure.. trying to find my way out.

in any case, a BIG shoutout to VAAAR!
erm, thats basically
VAN
AARON
ANDREA
AARON
RACH
okay, odd to shout out to myself, but yeah.. hahaha :)
you guys are awesome.
and im so glad i found you all.
<3

oh boy, im getting a lil hungry.
hahaha k sentosa tmr!
night loves.

life now is good.

other than the confusion they put me in..

oh wells.

the more i see things, the more annoyed i get. i just dont understand how a flood of memories can cause such a headache. pictures can really make one think. and the thinking is giving me a mental ulcer that just doesnt go away regardless of how much fluid i consume. these fluids make me numb. i dont like feeling numb all my life. i dont like living this kind of life. a life not like myself. and i dont see how my mistakes can cause so much banging in my head. i need to undergo some form of mental construction at this rate. i really dont know how i got to this stage. i mean, sure, it was sort of for fun, despite the fact that i really was in adoration. i dont know how i let myself lose control. the control that keeps my every being sane. the control that prevents me from wanting to stop and run.
"i cant explain myself at all."
its absolutely debasing. the things that dash through my mind whenever im conscious confound me. why is it so? cant it all be simple and neat, easy to understand and uncomplicated? i refuse to take in all this crap, but i have no other alternative. there will never be a person who can understand. there will never be a person who has heard and not judge.
i need Your grace.
my transgressions have placed me in the nadir of this pit. poops.
okay okay, i think enough of the emo writing. its time for me to get on with life. feeling much better now.. though talking to people would be a whole lot healthier than typing my woes onto my laptop. oh wells.
"well i know that its a wonderful world, but i cant feel it right now."
hope i can feel it soon.

alone?
by the beach maybe.
toes in the sand.
some stuck under the nails?
hmmmm.
odd thought.
salty.
the ocean.
i like the serenity.
it calms me.
but then they come.
hand in hand.
it makes me go.. *

they stumble.

i chuckle.
should i? thats bad.
i relish the moment.
they look nonsensical.
i help.
only one.
and we walk off.
its so random.
the breeze restricts my moment.
i try to.. *
no.
warmth.
is that the sun?
awake.

eeeee.

cant stand it.

i love that feeling.

the feeling that makes everything seem so good.
the feeling that stops time and eases all my tension.
the feeling that lets it all seem like pure fun.

simple.
but complicated.

i cant explain.

aahhh!
this is super confusing post.

oh wells.

life would be so much simpler if i just didnt let things happen.

life would be so nice if i knew what would happen.

life would be so different.

but..

life would be so boring without all the experiences.

life would be so mundane if i didnt have to go through all the nonsense.

life would be so dull.


i just wish it didnt have to feel this way.
i just wish it didnt have to be so tough.
i just wish it didnt have to reach this stage.

oh wells.
tmr's gonna be a busy day.
CNY's gonna be real busy too.
the following week's packed.
haha so many things to do!
and im awaiting results.
i really hope things go alright.

yawn.
eye pain.

laa laa laa.

i feel so tired.
physically and mentally.
havent had a good night's sleep for months.
havent had home cooked food for weeks.
havent been in a good mood for days.
i dont know why i put myself in this kind of situation.
i dont know why i let myself feel like this.
and im feeling things i shouldnt.
im feeling things that arent right.
im feeling horrid.
i feel like leaving everything behind.
but there's a responsibility.
i have to account for the people around me.
i have to complete my tasks.
i have to make sure it's all done before i go.
oh well.
i just hope i dont continue to live with my mistakes.
as much as my head is telling me one thing, my heart's saying the other. and i know im the kind of person that goes with my heart's desires regardless of how ridiculous or warped it may be. but oh well.
im just tired.
and i want to sleep.

chestnut and noodles.
the two new additions to my family.
small.
furry.
quick.
basically adorable little creatures.

love 'em to bits!

hahaha okay, i shall not forget to mention caramel and pudding too. hehe they're really cute too.

laalaalaa.
exhaustion.

NP/MI day ytd was awesome.

ju nat gerald addi nia stefan gina fi tony ron jas dhirah geri jieyi charmz jacq james.

simply awesome.

down.
fever.

glad.
life.

down.
neglect.

glad.
buddies.

down.
aches.

glad.
loved.