im not coping well.

hmm, but thank God for them.

yeah.

:)

everything's different now..
and im not sure if i can cope.
im not sure if i can maintain it..
im not sure if i can make things work.
aahhh!
headache.

twenty three.
we've come this far.
and never was i regretful.
thank you for so much.
i love you shabs.
my funny friend.
:)

i feel really lonely.
was just telling lyn that im so glad i got the chance to spend time with her and the rest at aaron's place.. its events like these that keep me going. that help me to keep that social bar green. i didnt realise how much i've missed out on my youth.. going to a private school with people twice my age doesnt really help. being a catechist without someone familiar in the ministry adds on to the loneliness. i dont know how i cope. i wonder if i can cope. oh well. im just so glad that youth camp's coming. im so glad i can be a facil again. im so glad that things might just take a turn and help me feel better. thats all i need now.. to feel better.
well, just wanna say thanks mel. and to the monopoly troop.
i feel a lil better now.
and all i need is just a call.. from him.
good night loves.

this picture brings back so many memories..
north district youth camp 2004.
it was the healing of a heartache, to the blossoming of a friendship.
this was my turning point. from wallowing in self pity, to being intrigued with that one person who has made my life so much better.. so much more fulfilling.
can you guess who it is?

well, ND youth camp was like one of the bestest camps i've ever been to. it was a linkage from ctk youth camp, thus making it a pretty long week for me that faithful dec 2004.

i recall meeting the tribe..
our wonderful tribe leader..
the awesome tribal battle..
creating our ASHER banner..
getting to know more people..
not forgetting that surprise trip.
the walk down the unlit path that night..
wanting so much to hold someone..
the cold, relaxing sea breeze..
sitting by the breakwaters with the usuals..
camouflage paint that made the girls black..
snoozing during the mass..
the final night concert..
and saying goodbye.

i really enjoyed that year.
it ended well, despite the all the drama that happened.. in any case, im just so glad i went.

one thing that i really miss, is the friendships.
with MALD.
everything's so different now.. we're all so far away from each other, and i just dont like knowing how things are now. oh well.

shall not dwell on the past..
right now, all i want, is to look at that photo.

the year's coming to an end already..
but i've yet to tidy up my room!
aahhh!

haha anyways, the course is coming to a close, and im just hoping that everything will somehow or the other turn out right. hmm, im still considering job opportunities, but im not sure where to go and how to go from here...

hmm, caught death note with drey just now.. haha, we were like in a super rush lah! scared couldnt catch the show in time.. well in any case, the show's not too bad, looking forward to a closure in the second death note.

anyways, i finally borrowed a book! gosh, its been ages since i last stepped into a library for the sole purpose of finding something to read.. well, its 3 books for me! did a whole lot of browsing through cook books and language guides.. haha fun fun fun.

yawn, i miss shabs. changi was fun babe! hahahaha laa laa laa.

alrighty, lazy drea's gonna get some eyeshut and get ready for tmr..!

i was just looking through some of my old entries, and oh boy. i've certainly changed. everything's so different now.. the way i feel is different, and people i hang out with are different, even the things i do are different. i know that change is constant, and inevitable too, but i cant help but want to be stuck in the same mud i stepped on when i was 16. even so, that would mean never meeting him, which is certainly not what i wish for.

well, im home early today.. surprisingly. anyways, met up with lyn and matt today.. seeing them today was awesome, but something didnt feel right. i dont know, maybe its just me, but things arent the same anyone.. i feel so helpless. hmm, its like, my social bar going red in the sims game. sigh. it felt like that spark wasnt there anymore. like everyone's improving relationships, and im left behind. i dont know how to go on, or what to do. everything's just tough. its the same with the usuals and mi-ians. i just want to run up to all of them and give them a huge hug and tell them i love them and i never wanna let go of this friendship we have.. but how on earth can i do that? i really dont know. i need time to do so much. there's just so much repairing to do, and so many people to reach out to, and so many issues at hand. and thinking abt relationships in general just makes me think abt what i have with God. im totally lost. and i dont know how to go home.

i dont know, im just lost. and lost.

i miss my family though i see them everyday.
i miss my usuals and its tough meeting them.
i miss charmz and tango but i dont know what to do.
i miss being in church and doing what i love.
gosh. i miss being in maranatha.
i miss being in that family.
i miss being back home.
i've never really thought of mpm as home..

til now.
oh no.
then how abt cat class?
sheesh, this aint good.
i need to pray.

oh well.

the people who make me smile.

i've been such an ass lately..
gosh, i seriously need to think abt my actions and words..
its hurting people.
im sorry.
oh well.

hmm.
last night i had an awfully weird dream.
dreamt that i scolded some girl from my class big time just cos she used my laptop without permission even though i told her to stay away from it, and she went around telling everyone how i mean i was. then i saw my friend crying and he told me to look into a corner of a school-like classroom, and there was one of my kids looking all bruised and beaten up.
my goodness, what a nightmare.
the three worst things that could ever happen to me.
1. being labelled as a meanie.
2. blowing my top over a small issue (like laptop usage).
3. seeing my kid beaten up.
darn, something is seriously wrong with what im thinking during the day man.. cos its said that what you think in the day is reflected back at night.

i need a break.

shabs.

you always make me smile.

and im so glad we've come this far.

happy 21st my dear.

love.

hmm.
usually i wouldnt care less about idol results, but i still feel that jonathan should have won the title.
reasons?
1. he can sustain his energy for longer periods of time.
2. he's more versatile.
3. his charm overpowers that of hady's.
4. i dont think he's cute, but he still has appeal.
oh well. its just idol.

laa laa laa.
today was awesome.
shabs, thanks for everything.
you're my bestest.
<3 <3 <3
love love love.

weeeee~
here's stuff i wanna get done by this year..
1. clubbing.
2. vacation.
3. ice skating.
4. croc pumps.
5. get organized.
6. pack my room.
7. go to the beach.
8. complete my dpt.
9. paint shabs's room.
10. dinner with ij peeps.

yup. alrighty, lazy to go on.
take care all.

i like hugs.
i like puppies.
i like the smell of roses.
i like people smiling.
i like photographs.
i like being with him.
i like my job.
i like my sisters.
i like lavender scented candles.
i like the sea breeze.
i like music.
i like fluffy clouds.
i like singing.
i like the way tink scurries.
i like warm sunshine.
i like kittens.
i like working with children.
i like the colour green.
i like the warmth of sincerity.
i like soft toys.
i like flowers.
i like my dad.
i like craft materials.
i like praise and worship.
i like raindrops.
i like to feel like im loved.
i like the taste of sweet chilli.
i like to relax.
i like my friends.
i like romantic dramas.
i like my mom.
i like a good cry once in a while.
i like God.
i like books with beautiful covers.
i like holding hands.
i like comfort.
i like my family.
i like rainbows.
i like twists.
i like now.

God.

Always here.

Never away.

My secret strength.

My hope.

The one who stays.

Thank goodness.

im happy now.
right at this very moment.
but the camp's gonna prove to be tough.
i've got responsibilities..
can i handle it?
hope so.
but in any case, im happy.
happy with the way things are now.
happy with the people in my life.
happy with being happy.
happy.

i need to make time for friends.

a dip in the pool really does wonders.

feeling much better now.. but i got a feeling i wont feel that way for long. really hope ** calls.. okay gonna wait now.. feeling super tired, and cold too. oh well. take care loves.

i feel so lost. like im all alone and there's no one there to cheer me up, that kinda thing.. i dunno, maybe its just that time of the month when my emotions just go berserk. haha my previous post seemed pretty happy eh? but thinking back, i dont think i was feeling the way i wrote. gosh, smth is seriously wrong with me man. i hate hate hate feeling so low. its making me depressed. okay, not the kind that wants to commit suicide whatsoever. sigh im getting stupid. this post is so unlike me.. but man, i cant possibly keep everything in. argh headache headache headache. school's been bad. why is there so much difficulty being happy in school? man, it annoys me. i hate bring the mediator. why cant people just solve things on their own and approach the other party instead of making me sandwiched. argh i hate hate hate hate. the worst part is we're all training to be teachers. why cant people just maintain reputations so that no one will shun them or leave them out. argh headache lah. people are people. and man, sometimes i really hate myself. thats a seriously bad thing man. bad bad bad. i just cant control saying certain things, and eventually, it irritates my loved ones. shit lah, im so annoyed with myself. annoyed annoyed annoyed. damn, i think i've got serious issues. and shabs wont pick up my call. maybe he's sleeping.. i hope. gosh, i can just slap myself silly at this rate. i think i need a swim. i need to cool down so that i can think straight. im so glad i've got a pool downstairs. argh whats the matter with me. i dont understand how a person can feel so many emotions at a single moment. angry, frustrated, upset, tangled, low, tired, insecure, dejected, exhausted. darn, i need a break.
break break break break break.

the world is small.

guess that makes me smaller.

but im no smaller then you.


well, my life may be physically tiring of late, but it sure is fulfilling in so many other ways. i really appreciate all the simplicities of life..
the air i breathe.
the water i drink.
the food i eat.
the people i meet.
the body i have.
the mind i use.
just everything.

whoopee! camp's this weekend. pretty scared though.. cos i might have to do smth i might be uncomfortable doing.. aahhh i dunno lah. im so screwed. in any case, school's been good. feeling really tired though. like super super tired. must be cos of work too. but work's great! the children are awesome. haha im so glad im in this line.

laa laa laa.
i need to meet so many people..
dates!
coffee with wena and gerald!
chicken rice with mel!
dinner with nia!
clubbing with the rc peeps!
shopping with drey!
so many, so many!

hmm miss him loads now.
sailing.
why?! so often.
*blergh*

okay, gonna shower.

love love love!

im so lucky.
i really am.
didnt realise it til now.

there's so much in front of me.
so much behind me too.
there's so much love.
so much i want to do.

the past few weeks have been a far cry from the tension i experienced before it all started to get better.
everything feels good.
i feel good.
i like feeling like this.

well, im back at kkh.
im so glad i made this decision to return. i think if i didnt, i might not be so happy about going to work. i need to feel happy. it seriously affects everything..
my mood.
my performance.
my actions.
my life.
im just so happy.

gosh, i have no idea what's come over me. why am i in such high spirits? haha no idea man.
okay, im not saying everything's perfect, cos i know im not perfect. neither is my family. neither are my friends. neither is shabs.
but somehow, all their imperfections, combined with the perfectness of God, make up my supposedly (in-my-eyes) perfect life. it just feels so good knowing that i'll be okay.

lately, home hasnt been a very nice place to be in.. i dont like people yelling. i dont like conflict. i dont like tension. i dont like the noise.
shabs's place is just perfect.
the calming silence of the rooms.
the simple layout of the hallway.
the whitewashed walls adorned with tiny blue specks.
the spaciousness.
i really like it there.
its like, my place of solace.
despite my infrequent visits, his home never fails to make me feel at peace..
finally,
no noise.
no fighting.
no tension.
just serenity.

alrighty, i think im dwelling too much on how much i like simple, calming, quiet places. shall continue on little footnotes on the book of drea's life.

i found out the blue cream stains my lips.
you see, nat has a blue cream pirate cake for her 19th. so, as i ate, i unknowingly constantly licked my lips, staining it a dark blue. it looked pretty gross and slightly scary.
in any case, it felt good seeing everyone together again despite all our busy schedules. i really miss the old times.. hmm, i should leave reminiscing as it is. no point harping on memories which can never be relived. but i'd just like to say one thing.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.
you know who you are.
:)

she looked deep into you
as you lay together
quiet in the grasp
of dusk and summer.
-dashboard confessional

this seems random but,
shabs, i love you. <3

the pen i place,
on my book of life,
will be held sometime,
after tonight.

drea

CLICK.
the bestest bestest bestest.
it has surpassed The Lake House and Pirates.
im so glad i watched it.
gosh, i dont think i've teared so much for a movie since The Brotherhood. awesome man. way too awesome.
in any case, shabs rocks.
thanks dear, for today.

hmm, i've started working in MOF. new centre, new life. so different, and i miss KKH LV plenty. but i guess in life, nothing's ever as wonderful as you'd want it to be.. in any case, i hope the time i spend here in MOF LV will be worth my while.

alrighty, im like super tired now..
take care loves.

pirates was awesome.
so was the lake house.
im just glad i caught both with him.

19 months dear.
and im just so glad its you im with.
thanks shabs.
you're my bestest.

----- -----

things havent been the way i would've liked it to be lately.. everything's different now.
i need time.. for them.
all those who have a special place in my heart..
friends.

how do people keep in contact often?
how do people make things work?

i guess someone might tell me that its all about time management. i guess so too.
but talk is easy,
and i dont wanna only talk.
oh well.
its time to catch up with them.
siok, nia, kat, nat, wen.
matt, lyn, daisy, gerald, wena.

----- -----

i actually worked, and completed my task.. i did. but guess i didnt send it out fast enough.. im so upset. why cant i be a fast worker, or quick thinking, or approachable, or whatever i can be? i dont like this. maybe im not cut out for this ministry.

----- -----

okay, i shall not worry myself to bits.
all i know is that i cant change the past.
i can only forge my future..
hope it wont be horrid or anything.

alrighty, take care loves.

do you know what s-t-r-e-s-s is? well, i certainly do. im like so freaking tensed up now to the extent that i feel like tearing out all my hair and crying and screaming and whatever things stressed up people do. oh my gosh, i hate hate hate this lah! i hate all my wrong decisions and the way i feel and whatever whatever whatever! i need to find a million jobs to keep me occupied so that i wont let my mind wander. darn im like becoming some seriously depressed woman who needs to be admitted into the the m.institution or smth.. aahhh!

okay. time to calm down and relax. and dont worry, im not really going crazy. just needed to release all these pent-up frustrations.. sigh. im just really tired of everything. need a big break.. now i understand how shabs feels.. oh well.

life hasnt been great, neither has it been awful. all i can say is, shabs has made my life a whole lot better. alrighty, time to get back to work.. take care loves.

its been ages!!!
yes, i know. 'lazy' is the word. in any case, life's been good. still searching for so many things though.. oh well. will post some super uber dramatic entry as soon as i find time to do so. til then, take care loves!
drea

the past few weeks since my last update has definitely been a really mind-blowing rollar coaster..

well, i've been working in LV KKH for abt three weeks now.. the environment is not what anyone would say 'friendly', but the children are just wonderful.

class on the otherhand, has been really different from what it was when i first started in march. made unexpected friends who are really unique people in their own right. however, things arent as 'nice' as i'd have liked it to be. oh well.

hmm, today clemen got bitten by windy on the forehead. the supervisor made it sound like i was totally oblivious to the situation, and blamed me. come on, im not super woman with lightning speed and plenty of eyes. and they werent the only two children in the room.
the worst thing was,
she didnt remember my name,
scolded windy instead of letting her know that biting was bad (i mean, come on, they're not even three yet.),
wanted my co-teacher to shoulder all the blame,
and even wanted to lie abt clemen's injury!
i mean, HELLO, no one should ever lie to the parents abt anything.. moreover, clemen's mom's a nurse. man, sometimes people can be so dull.. oh well.

in any case, despite all the stuff that's been happening, im still blessed with people who are so dear to my heart.
family, shabs, the ij usuals.. woooo~
you guys keep me afloat in the torrid sea storm.. love you!

yawn, im just so tired.
im so glad its friday.

MI carnival tmr! cant wait to see them again.

i like life now.

its simple,
yet annoying complicated.

its sweet,
yet oddly bland.

its like blushing, and yet,
not flushed red at the same time.

its purposeful,
yet amazingly fruitless.

its full of nostalgia,
with no past to look to.

its like time,
which freezes at all the wrong moments.

its like being rich,
and yet lacking everything.

i like life now.

oh man.
children are gems.
i just dont know how to describe my time spent in Happy Family Childcare.

last fri, i went over to do my observation.. joined wena's class. the children are so adorable! having spent the entire day with them, i eventually remembered all their names, and was even close to a few..

soon weekend came, and i thought i'd never see them again.
and so saturday and sunday passed..

monday.
wena msged me telling me three of the girls made me cards!
i was like SUPER HAPPY! happy happy happy!
i thought the children would've forgotten that i ever existed..
i was like so happy to the extent that i went straight down to the childcare after class! hahahaha LOL.
hmm seeing the children again was like.. WOW.
adriana, jolyn, ariel, xue ning,
xue ying, ming li, peng peng, dinah,
adam, delaney, javier, ryan.

haha i think i attach myself too easily to children.. i wonder if thats a good or bad thing.. oh well.
in any case, this experience will definitely stay with me throughout my entire lifetime.

shabs dear came over to have lunch with me today.. im so glad i have him.

yawn, gonna prepare for class tmr..
but before i go..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
drey!
geri!
mich!

alrighty take care all.. love!

i still dont like this.

i guess i sorta know how it feels to be alone.

i didnt realise that i could actually feel so much for people whom i werent close to initially..

leaving my pals at MI was tough. and seeing them again last sat made me feel sooo.. man. the feeling is simply indescribable. i just miss them so much.
charmz, geri, jacq, geri, jas.
i just cant wait to see you guys again.

church on sunday was different. i finally felt like i did somethin useful.. just hope class will work out this week.. mosey! we can do it!
cc4. seeing the people in the attic made my heart go 'awwww'. thinking back, the camp was just totally awesome. and seeing some of the facils made me realise how much i missed some of them.. haha james said MI wasnt quite the same ever since i left.. though we didnt really talk much in sch, we still did see each other. in any case, i missed him. missed van, aaron, gerald, kevin, and so many others too.. but somehow they all seemed pretty busy and caught up with chatting and everything that i didnt know how to 'cut' in and give all of them a huge hug. oh well. i cant possibly expect everyone to feel the way i do..

dear's sailing now.. 15 months soon. thats like totally cool.

im glad God put me where i am. in a family that supports me, with friends who love me, and with a wonderful partner who makes me laugh. im just so thankful i know i've got God. im just.. content.

hmm, got to know gerald a whole lot better lately. its weird how we've been friends for close to 7 years, and yet only know each other better now. im glad i've got him.

hey _____, i really hope you can stop treating me coldly. i dont like the pretence. i dont like it when you pretend to give me the sign of peace when you so obviously have an issue with me. sometimes i wish we could go back to the days when everything was much simpler.. when we would laugh and play and wrestle without a care in the world.. i miss those days. i really do. i just dont like everything thats happening now.. its affecting me in a not-so-good way.. i just hate it lah. argh.

tired. just tired. assignments, class. oh well.

take care loves.

much has happened, and i've yet to update.
so, this is gonna be a long one.

first things first.
MI, goodbye.
Learning Capital, hello.
last day of school --> MI Fun Day
we went to sentosa.
we had fun.
we ran.
i tried to make things good.
i wanted to enjoy myself.
but somehow, the whole 'some people are selfish' issue surfaced, though not very obviously.
i mean, hello, not all of us are fast runners..
oh well.
thank God for people like jieyi, geri and charmz.
but.. i dont know.
im just tired thinking about what the class was like in 2005.. and this year.
so different.
in any case, the last day was tough.
charmz got the class to write well wishes on a black card they (or most probably she) made, with a poem stuck behind it. after they said "we'll miss you" in a synchronized manner, charmz presented the card to me.

i was like, totally shocked.
seriously.
i was so happy, and sad, at the same time that i couldnt plug my tear ducts. charmz and i just hugged and cried and hugged and cried. it looked like some drama-mama chinese serial. but in any case, the goodbye made leaving a whole lot tougher.
teared big time all the way back home.
oh man.
really miss the peeps now..
charmaine wong, geraldine tango, xie jieyi, jacqueline jacob.
i love you guys.
miss you all like nonsense.
feeling tired for you guys too..
yeah charmz.
oh well.

Learning Capital.
new class, new people.
different age groups.
different personalities.
interesting.
what a combination.
DPTF16.

CC4 '06 Confirmation Camp.
awesome.
i dont know how to describe it in much detail, but i'll try.. so here it goes.
the first two days werent the way i thought it would be. despite all the effort of changing smelly water, fervent praying, and draining powerhouses, things didnt seem like it was gonna change..
til day 3.
woah! friendship babeh!
it was like totally awesome.
totally.
van, gerald, aaron, aaron, oliver, sy.
some things you guys said really made my heart melt.
and some things didnt need words..
hugs did the trick.
thanks.
anyways, i just wanna add that im so happy i got to know so many people better.. haha, actually, im just happy i was at camp with so many wonderful people..
james, maria, dorothy, melvyn, jacq, and so so many more.
cc4 '06 confi camp was great.

hmm. shabs dear's in batam now..
miss him loads.
and yeah! alright!
gonna meet the usuals on fri.. thats like fantastic. miss them pretty much.
tmr got some presentation thingy..
heels! black. nice.
yawn gonna watch CSI now.
take care loves.

Work


If you only once would let me
Only just one time
Then be happy with the consequence
With whatever's gonna happen tonight
Don't think we're not serious
When's it ever not
The love we make is give and it's take
I'm game to play along

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time

oh oh, oh oh oh
oh oh, oh oh oh

All the best DJs are saving
Their slowest song for last
When the dance is through
Its me and you
Come on would it really be so bad
The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You want to take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)
oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)
oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)
oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)

Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you
Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You want to take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
We still have time

oh oh, oh oh oh
oh oh, oh


Jimmy Eat World

so many decisions to make.
polys, work, sponsored diplomas..
so many choices.
im like lagging behind lessons in MI just trying to settle the uncomfirmed.
its quite silly actually.
but in any case, im really set on leaving.
i wanna embark on a new life.
i wanna see a new world.
i wanna learn something different.
i never realised how much i really wanted to take care of children.
its pretty cool.
well, hopefully God puts me in the right place.

ooh yuck. spaghetti and taiwan sausages dont go well.. eew. feel like puking.

in any case, what is love?

i should be happy.
and i am.

hmm. went to the hairdresser's.. woooo~ nice.
well, im not really looking forward to school nowadays.. dunno why though.
but im really excited with my new life as a trainee catechist. i feel there's so much for me to learn and experience.. cool eh? yeah.
so much homework..
sigh. sometimes i just wish i wasnt so stupid..
in any case, tired i am.
take care loves.

"no one, expect yourself, can make you feel lousy."
thats what mrs meya said in class today. interesting how something in othello can strike me. but in any case, it is pretty true.
i feel so silly sometimes. i dont know why i get so easily affected by small small things.. aahhh. someone just slap me please.
andrea lek is so lazy. will someone just please kick her in the butt and make her wake up? argh.
hmm. i just want posting results to come soon.. pretty pretty please.
yawn. wanna sleep now.. miss him loads.
help me.

its difficult to always be strong. im not talking about being physically fit. im thinking along the lines of being one who doesnt cry, or is usually the pillar for people who cant control their emotions.
i mean, its normal to be upset right? but why do people make such a big fuss whenever anyone just lets it all out? weird.
i thought i could handle anything that comes my way, but its just difficult. really difficult. i cant do things on my own. i just realised that i cant rely only on my own strength. its tough when i find that i have no one to turn to most of the time.. okay, not no one, just no confidante. the people closest to me are usually the one who are the source of my worry. sigh, i dont know why i cant open up to anyone easily. i guess life would be much less tense if i were to be able to easily pour out all my woes, and never hear of them again.
today, i find myself saying things i shouldnt have. it seems like i havent been thinking before i speak. thats really annoying, cos everytime i realise the mistakes i've made, i simply throw myself into a pit of demoralisation. i really dont mean to though. its just that, i find it difficult to pick myself up.
people assume i always forget the bad quickly, but i dont. and i really dont mean to be like that. its comes naturally. i think im just uber sensitive. thats like, whatever man. i mean, being like that only gets the people around me, and myself hurt.
waaahhhh. what the hell. my entries are all getting so emo gazemo.
oh well. hope tmr, and the rest of the week goes fine.
take care all.
<3

i find myself thinking about a lot of things lately. stuff like, what does it mean to actually love someone, and why do people get so upset over silly things. why dont i like to get drenched, and how do people actually maintain relationships despite the distance? why do some individuals like to annoy others, and why are some so hypocritical? why are people afraid to be nice, and why do i waste so much of my time thinking?
i dont like it when i think so much. my imagination somehow takes me so far off into my wildest dreams that when i come back, all i want to do is just hide back in my little bubble. the world is so different from the life i want to lead. some of the people i meet as i continue to age scare me. its scary to see people who laugh with you, but the moment you look away, suddenly throw a dagger straight into your back. im afraid.
what if i dont live up to expectations? to be a good daughter, to be a good friend.. to be a good peer, a good senior, or every a good girlfriend.. will people run away from me when they realise im not who i seem to be? that im not strong, or smart, or happy without a care in the world all the time? i get lazy, and cry too. im just like everyone else.
sometimes, i find myself such a disappointment. i couldnt even pass such a simple math paper, neither can i click with people easily, or understand people, or be less self-centered.. aahhh. i refuse to think anymore.

haha its such a long entry, that if you read it, im sure your eyes would hurt.
oh well.
take care loves.
hope you enjoy life.

i am tired.
i like shabin.
my friends rock.
food is good.
hope for the best.
give me strength.
catechism class.
mandy's birthday.
too bloated.
i like hugs.
hope to be happy.
give me cake.
more television.
valentine's soon.
less homework.
skulls and shoes.
i am yawning.
i love you.

yawn.

i hate feeling sick.
oh well.
school tmr..
man, im dreading it.
this is really bad man.
its like, gosh.
i need to not feel like that.

cat class today..
cc1s?
cute.
cc4s?
usual.
hope the next few years'll be fine.

hmm..
sailing?
he went.
til around tues or wed.
hope he stays safe..
:)

yawn.

man..
i hate the flu.
coughing too.
hmm.
why do people fall ill?
i wonder if its a good thing.
oh well.
the doc closed on me today.
maybe i'll go tmr.

i really hope everything goes well.
when will it come out?

laadeedum.
the henna on the back of my left hand looks weird.
cant really remove it totally.
oh well.

gokusen!
jieyi friend and i.
mcfly!
geri friend and i.
hana yori dango!
charmmzy friend and i.

:)

i need to learn how to chill.
sorry dear.
wanna make my life (and his) a tad bit better.
really tired.
take care loves.

hey all, check this out.

click!

dumpling dear just passed on today..
had a stroke.
it was tough seeing him in so much pain.
and yet,
i could do nothing.
oh well.
i think i really shouldnt get any more pets.
so i'd probably cry so much that i'd dehydrate.
hmm.

hmm.
bumped my head against the edge of a wall.
hahahahahaha.
the bruise is huge.
just slap me.
how the hell did i even trip?
but then again the step was pretty high.
aahhh!
bruises.
oh.
got one on each knee now..
injured cos of some skit this morning.
but it was good.
yawn.
tired like nonsense.

i love you!
nat kat siok tania!
manda joyce wen licia fran!
sy lyn matt!
drey mandy lia!
mom dad!
shabs!
you guys rock so much that i feel like puking.
hahahahaha just kidding abt the puking part.
my life's just wonderful.
and im loving every minute of it.

school.
not really looking forward to it considering how mundane it has been lately.
but in any case, im gonna make huge decisions soon.
yay!

happy birthday amanda tng and liu jiawen!
weeeeeeee~!
hope you guys enjoy this final year as teens..
oops.
pretend i didnt say that.

gonna sleep now.
take care loves!
i love you plenty plenty!
(as how he says it.)
:)

im a very fortunate person.
and sometimes, i unknowingly take my 'fortunate-ness' for granted.
oh well.
i just cant help but feel so lucky..
and loved.
haha i have no idea what this entry is for.
guess i just wanted to let everyone know that im blessed.
*yawns*

hello.

the Tan family left ytd..
melbourne.
uncle justin, auntie mary.
melissa, alph, ian.
isabel, jerome, julian.
all 8 of them.
im gonna miss alph so much.
melissa too.
oh well.
sometimes departure is inevitable.
<3

bought wonka chocolates..
at the airport.
cant bear to eat them though.
the packaging's sooo nice.

went shopping with drey.
bought a corset.
but mom doesnt seem to like me spending the money.
sigh.
i hate it when i make the wrong decisions.

anyways, went for IJ open house in the morning.
with some of the usuals.
the school's huge.
was perspiring so much, due to the humid weather.
nothing much actually.

met shabs for lunch.
really enjoyed my time with him..
he's just so funny.
always makes me laugh.
i like that.
:)

well, got lots of homework due.
gonna start after breakfast.
take care loves.

cheesecake?

cheesecake.

I miss somebody right now.
I don't watch much TV these days.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I curse sometimes.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
I love the rain.
I need money right now.
I talk really, really fast sometimes.
I have long hair.
I have at least one sibling.
I was born in a country outside of the U.S
I like the way that I look.
I have a hidden talent.
I have a lot of friends.
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I enjoy window shopping.
I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I like someone.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I have a lot to learn.
I am not shy around the opposite sex.
I have at least 5 away messages saved.
I have tried alcohol before.
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I like surveys.
I am happy at this moment.
I am punk rockish.
I am not preppy.
I study for tests sometimes.
I love my life.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than 1 ear piercing.
I walk barefoot wherever I can.
I love sea turtles.
I believe in prophetic dreams.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I hate office jobs.
I think water rules.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I adore dark colors.
I think pigtails serve a purpose.
I don't like multi-textured ice cream.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I know what cosplaying is.
I'm an artist.
I only clean my room when neccesary.
I love my friends.
I believe that honesty usually is the best policy.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I think Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
I love God, and am not ashamed to admit it.
I like people.
I like friendships.
I think I'm done.. for now.

its the NEW YEAR everyone.

excited?

HAPPY 2006!