PhD in motherhood: February 2021

2nd Half of 2020 and into 2021

I broke my little toe. It was a stupid accident but hurt like crazy. Fortunately, it healed on its own after I wrapped it. I did go to get an x-ray to make sure.

Gavin had his 12th birthday, COVID style. He had a couple of friends over and they played video games. We had a yard sign and voila. He's 12. I hosted a family reunion here in Round Rock and it was great to see all my family together, but it was stressful. Moreso with COVID threatening to cancel all my plans. I'm glad we all had a good time together.

Jessica had her 18th birthday and decided that as an adult, she would make her own decisions now. Including announcing to the world that she is bisexual and getting herself a girlfriend. I wondered how I would feel if any of my children were ever to announce that. I can't say that I'm sad about the announcement itself. I've been around LQBTQ kids and people my whole life and that doesn't bother me. But as a parent, I've grieved the loss of many dreams I've had for her because of the choices she is making along with that announcement. But nothing broke my heart more than when she decided to stop speaking to me for over a month. No matter what your children do with their agency, it doesn't stop you from loving them. Not hearing from her was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I'm glad she ended the silence and spoke to me again. Until you are a parent, there are things you cannot comprehend about loving your children. And there are perspectives that are more poignant and painful than you ever imagined. I don't envy the path that she is on and I pray every day that the Lord will lead her and she will hear His voice. There are many opinions in the world on this subject. I am not up for debate about them. I just know I love my child and I want her for forever. I don't care if she is attracted to her same gender or not. I just pray she will make choices that will give her eternal joy in her life. I don't know that she has faith to trust in that right now, but that is my hope for her.

I dropped her off at Cedar City to go to school after a two day trip in September and came home to start a health program that has changed me for the better. Before that I weighed more than I have ever weighed not pregnant. My blood pressure and cholesterol were high. I had no energy and I hated how I looked in pictures. I reconnected with my former mission companion who helped me get healthy. After a month, I signed up as a coach and started helping other people too. After 4 months, I lost 40 pounds and now I'm down 45 pounds. I fit into size 10 pants at the store and I'm amazed at how great I feel. It's been a nice distraction from the drama of Jessica's life. So while I was grieving the loss of my daughter's voice and the relationship we once had, I was thrilled at the success and growth for myself. Coaching has given us an extra income and given me the ability to dream for a future where maybe I can work from home and quit my day job. Wouldn't that be nice?

I have taken more time to connect with friends and family, like visiting Jennifer in Houston and my sister. I also started treatments on my birthmark again - first with removing the hemangioma under my eye. I'm paying for this with my coaching money. So that's a win.

We also had cousins come to town and went to Kalahari over Christmas. Below is a picture of the 12 year olds.

Over Thanksgiving, we got the news that our beloved Branch President Vestor Crocker passed away. Sister Crocker asked us to provide the music for the service. So we did. The kids didn't remember President Crocker very well, but I was happy to be part of the service for someone who helped us when we needed it so long ago.

This year I got in my Valentine's dates with everyone here... Lily and I went to Applebees, Ammon and I went to the park, Gavin and I went to Red Lobster and Jhonny and I went to Longhorn Steakhouse. I love my people.

Today, on Valentine's day, I got the news that Sierra, the only daughter of Frances and Scott Noyce, Jessica and Lily's babysitter in Houston, passed away from a stroke this weekend. She was only 25 years old. 7 years older than Jessica. Frances called me this morning and we cried together for an hour. My heart was broken for Frances and yet she offered me so much hope and faith as she struggles with this horrific trial. She said that both she and Scott prayed last night and let Heavenly Father know that if He needed her home, that they would let her go. Frances said she felt a brush on her cheek and felt Sierra there letting her know that she was torn, because she wanted to stay with her baby daughter, Natalie, but Heavenly Father needed her and she couldn't stay. Frances promised they would take care of Natalie and that it was okay to go. Not without many tears and sorrow.

From 2014 - last time we hung out with Sierra at the Temple when Jessica went through the temple for the first time.

All the grief that I've been harboring for my child and all that I know of Frances and hers came out and I couldn't stop the river from rolling down my cheeks. I know this must be God's will and He needs Sierra to help with His work on the other side of the veil, but it doesn't make it easier to take. I called Jessica and told her about it. She said she would go and be there for Frances. I'm glad. She was her comfort once before and I pray she will be able to offer some comfort now.

This evening I watched a live video from my friend, Linette. She talked about trading joys. She said that 24 years ago when her daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia and they were told that she would spend a good part of her childhood in the hospital undergoing chemo, she mourned the loss of her childhood. She said that in her prayers the Lord told her that she was trading one set of joys for another. That is a good way to look at it. I know from personal experience that we can experience joy in our trials. Joys and comfort that we would not know otherwise. So we can have the happy go lucky every day type of joys in life when all things are going our way. Or we can experience the joy of miracles of comfort and tender mercies from the Lord when they are not. Miracles of being close to the veil and knowing that there is a life after this one and something much greater to look forward to. Joy of knowing that our Savior's love and atonement will make everything whole again. Joy of knowing that our covenants will keep us safe and bring our children home to us. And the joy of opposition in all things. I have faith that the promises made to my daughter in her patriarchal blessing are still able to be fulfilled despite her temporary detour from her path. I don't know how long this detour will last. But if in this life I am able to sit near her in the temple and see her covenant with a worthy young man who loves her for all that she is and be there to witness the birth of her children, I will cry with tears of joy for all that might not have been. Right now, this seems like an impossible dream. I'm sure it seems more impossible to her than to me. But my God is a God who can make impossible possible if He wants to.