PhD in motherhood: 2018

Sunday, September 23, 2018

Musings on a Sunday Morning

I was up late last night after a long week of homecoming celebrations for CRHS. This year, Jessica was a little more involved. Her boyfriend is a senior and so she decided it would be okay to stay for the entire football game this year after singing with the choir and that she would go to the dance last night. She had a good time. I knew she would. I'm glad she's not missing out on some of the great memories of high school. Thank you, Jack. My extroverted introvert needs a one on one to have fun in the crowd. Jack is just the right amount of attentive to make being there worth it to her. Next year is going to be tougher on her than she thinks after this.
I was able to get some free tickets to see the Austin Chinese American Network Moon Festival concert last night. So after Lily was called up to babysit for some friends, it was down to Jhonny and the boys and myself. The costumes, dance, music and singing were beautiful. They did a really great job. I just wish I could have understood all the language, but that's ok.
So as I put the boys to bed and looked at the time, I realized I still needed to prepare my lesson for Sunday school today. This month has been focusing on commandments. As I pondered what to teach and how to approach this topic for my young students I thought about extending invitations. Inviting people to repent and keep the commandments is one of the most essential parts of being a missionary. I thought about some of the simple commitments and some of the issues I ran into as a missionary. Some invitations are hard to extend because you know that in making that invitation you are telling this person that they are doing something that is not okay. That can be offensive depending on how it is received.
I remember hearing from a general authority whether in person or in reading or a broadcast that extending an invitation to repent will ALWAYS be offensive because you are asking someone to change their behavior. Repentance means change. When you are teaching someone the gospel, you are inviting them to change their lives to come unto Christ. Being told you are doing something wrong is difficult to hear.
So how is it done? There is only one way - you have to speak by the power of the Holy Ghost. You have to teach pure doctrine simply enough that the Spirit can testify of its truthfulness. Then once the doctrine is understood, the invitation is extended and a blessing promised if the hearer will keep their commitment.
So I thought of a lesson I gave a few weeks ago. It was about keeping a journal. I was excited to purchase some journals and pass them out. I invited my students to begin to write down some things about their lives for their posterity and to help them to remember the hand of the Lord in their lives. This was something that I thought would be fun. I was met with resistance. It was time to go so I couldn't really dive into it, but it bothered me that some of my students were like "no way I'm writing anything down. It's not happening."
This came to mind as I thought about this principle of invitation to keep a commandment and offensiveness, etc. It dawned on me that my students find it difficult to write anyway so asking them to keep a record is WAY out of their comfort zone. And then I thought about the last time I wrote anything down. hmm. touche.
Then I thought of those things that are difficult for me - my pet sins that I continue to stumble on and how desperately I want to be better and yet I keep tripping up and have often given up on myself surrendering to the thought that I'll never master this. Surely it's something the Lord is tired of forgiving me for, right? After all, I've spent some time sincerely repenting for it and hoping that the urge, the temptation would be taken away and that would be it! Done! But no, I find myself slipping into the trap again. This is frustrating because I once had this mastered for YEARS! So why the relapse? Why is this so difficult for me now? If I want it gone and I know it's doing more damage than good and it's starting to affect my children and my husband - why can't I get this under control? Wouldn't it be easier to just be in denial about it and give up working on it? Surely my kids think of me as a hypocrite by now.
Then the thought comes that the Savior doesn't give up on us. EVER. So how can I give up on myself? I have to keep trying. I have to keep repenting even if it's over and over and over again. I could justify myself by saying that my sin is a little thing. But I know better. It's keeping me from greater things and in my heart, I know it. I want to be the master of my soul. I want to rise above the little things that hold me back. So how?
Well, there is only one way. I realize that I can't do this on my own. I need my Savior. He is the only way to overcome the big and the small things that keep us from our divine destination. He is ready and willing to help us overcome all things because He already did. He is the one who offers healing and forgiveness. Over and over and over again. I'm grateful that I get to take the sacrament EVERY week and start again. Perfection is not easy. It's a good thing we get a lifetime of attempts at it.
Maybe showing my kids that I'm still a work in progress and that I'm not giving up on it is a better lesson than showing them that I am perfect. They are not perfect either. They need to know that God doesn't give up on them either. They can keep on repenting and keep on trying to be better.
Perhaps the Lord is trying to teach ME something in not letting this process be as easy as I think it should be.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Grease 2018

Throwback to opening night January 2018

Love that headshot.

Logan, Jessica, Sene

Pink ladies - Savannah (Marty), Lexi Roa (Rizzo), Jessica (Jan), Tori (Frenchie)

BFFs Lauren, Alexa, Christian, Jessica, Mary

Tori and Jessica

Roger and Jan (Logan and Jessica)

Gahsmta Awards 2018 with Jessica

We were so proud when Jessica landed the role of a pink lady, Jan in the musical, Grease at CRHS. As a sophomore, this was a great honor for her. Imagine our greater surprise when she was nominated by Greater Austin High School Musical Theatre Awards for Best Actress in a supporting role. She had a fabulous yet exhausting time rehearsing and performing in the awards ceremony.

The group of best actors and actresses in a supporting role nominees.

Jessica and Heidi Wilding

Cast from Grease CRHS 2018

J2 (Jessica and Jack - 2 nominees from Grease)

Jessica and Logan Vohs (Jan and Roger)

Mom and Me (Chris and Chalice)

Chalice and Jhonny

Me and Mom

Houston Hill and Jessica (Jess's voice teacher)

Jessica O'Brien and Jessica

Mom and Jessica

Sene and Jessica

Night lights of Austin, TX outside of the Long Center

Temple Trip with Lily

On April 21st, Jhonny and I took Lily to the San Antonio Temple for her first temple trip to do baptisms for the dead. She invited her best friend Lucy and her family came to support as well. Lucy Jacobs is just 3 days younger than Lily and so they got to experience this together. Grandma and Grandpa Ellis came too. After the temple, we went to an Italian restaurant down the street and celebrated their birthdays. It was a special day.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Happy 12th Birthday Lily

Just a few friends for treats, presents and The Greatest Showman! It's hard to believe my baby girl has grown up so fast.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

Easter 2018

This has been a historical conference weekend and wonderful Easter weekend. It began with a solemn assembly to sustain our new prophet, President Nelson and two new apostles of the church. Then we heard new revelation in a change in the Elder's Quorum and High Priest Group organization as well as a change in the way home and visiting teaching will be carried out. It was announced that young women 14 and up will be included in the assignments to minister. How exciting!

As I have prepared for and listened to conference, I have felt the spirit of the Lord strengthen my testimony in his work and his church. I felt the spirit testify to me that President Nelson is indeed who God wants to be the prophet today as I raised my hand to sustain him. It was a special moment for me and moved me emotionally despite the irreverence of my children about me as I stood in my living room and hushed them for the occasion.

Even though I was frustrated by the irreverence of my children and rebuked them later, I was still able to feel the spirit of the conference and of this special day that we celebrate the miraculous event of Christ's atoning sacrifice and resurrection. Perhaps I was most frustrated by the fact that I know this is so important. I want my family to see the significance and feel the Spirit as well. I want to feel it and be strengthened by it, but not alone. I can't coerce them into it and I'm frustrated by the dismissiveness I see when I feel I should have taught them better. Why don't they know this? At dinner, I took a moment to remind them what it means to be reverent or at the very least be quiet so that others can feel the Spirit. The afternoon session went better.

I know that Christ lives and that He loves us. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of us and our needs, wants, desires and trials. He has the time for each of us individually while addressing the needs of everyone in the entire world.

Our family has been assigned the task of bringing a worship service to the Cottages, a nursing home behind our house. With the help of the Hill's musical direction, we have been doing this for almost two years. Usually, we cancel on the Sunday of general conference, but I couldn't do it today being Easter. So we got dressed in our Sunday clothes and went to the Cottages between sessions. Usually, I can bring others in to help, but this week it was just us.

Ammon was being particularly rowdy today and I tried to patiently quiet him, but inside I wanted to wring his little neck as he distracted the residents from listening to the beautiful music provided by the Hills and his sister. Then it was my turn to give a talk. I drew my message from John 20:11 where Mary comes to ask where the body of the Lord has been taken. I felt her grief as she begged to know where he was and then the glorious relief when she recognized the Savior who called her by name. He came to comfort her in the only way that she could be comforted. I felt the Spirit testify of the truthfulness of this principle. He knows us and He loves us.

He knows how to comfort us and to bring us back to the Father if we will be open to Him and His grace. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and all of His children. If we will follow the inspiration of the Holy Ghost even when it makes no sense, we will be blessed. If we are obedient to His commandments, we will find joy and avoid the pitfalls of darkness that come from disobedience. Commandments bring happiness. Keeping our covenants will bring everlasting joy and peace to us no matter our current circumstances. We need not fear death for Christ overcame death for us. Earthlife is NOT the end.

I found it significant when President Nelson concluded the conference with an invitation to all individuals on BOTH SIDES of the veil to come unto Christ and come to the temple.

There is no other church on earth that can give us the promised blessings and make real the covenants and ordinances in our lives that this church can. The power of the priesthood is real and makes effective those saving ordinances. This is Christ's church. It was evident to me today that He leads and guides it through his living prophet and apostles. I'm so grateful to be a member of His true church. I wish I could invite everyone to come and know the blessings that can come into your life from making and keeping these sacred covenants. My life is not perfect. I have suffered from depression, disappointment, stress, anxiety, and imperfections. But I know God loves me and I know I am where He wants me to be. I know I can overcome all things with His grace and His strength. I know there is a higher purpose and a bigger eternal picture. I know that my trials are shaping me somehow and with time and patience, I will understand His purposes in my life. I know He wants me to be happy. And most of all, I know that He loves me no matter what.

Spring Break 2018

I was grateful for the wise encouragement of my mother to travel to St. George, Utah in early March 2018 to celebrate with family the 90th birthday of my Grandmother Bettie Wickham. My mother's side of the family is a motley crew of folks from all walks and beliefs in life it may seem, but we all have one thing in common: Grandma Wickham's love and concern for each one of us. Her patriarchal blessing tells her that she will be influential in the lives of her posterity. I surely hope so. I enjoyed visiting with family I rarely get to see and having frank and open conversations about our faith that in the past I've felt inhibited in speaking about. Perhaps Grandma's advancing years are encouraging my family to be open to truth and faith in God. I especially enjoyed visiting with my cousin Stewart and his wife Natasha. They have an adorable 6-year-old son Azurah. Stewart's family left the church when he was 14 years old. Our families haven't interacted quite as frequently since that event occurred and I've been heartbroken by that fact. Further separation has happened because Stewart now lives in Hawaii with his family and the distance has certainly separated us.

So it felt like a feast as we got to know each other, laughed and shared stories. I was surprised to learn that Stewart and his wife are music composers and artists. I had no idea. Stewart plans to spend some time in California and hopefully produce an album. Composing and writing music is certainly something I had no idea he could do and a talent I admire.

I was further impressed that Rob has started to return to church and brought Stewart's family with him. They are not fully converted as yet but are expressing interest in learning. I only hope that Stewart is able to put aside his addictions and fully embrace the gospel. I can only imagine the incredible music that would flow from him and Natasha once they have the inspiration of the Spirit of truth flowing freely through them. His own music is already beautiful. Can you imagine if he could combine that with the inspiration of the Spirit? Magic. Pure magic. I wish I could do that. Our conversations have played over in my mind. I hope it wasn't our one and only visit. With Grandma's declining health, it may be difficult to put together a reason to get together from all corners of the earth.

One individual I was sad not to see was Courtney. I enjoyed visiting with her last year after Dixie's funeral. She was a beautiful woman and she was scheduled to come so I was a bit worried when she never arrived. I learned last week that her body was found by police in the street after she had fought with the friend she was staying with and left. Mom told me that she had been dealing with a pain medication addiction and wasn't in a good place. Just like her mother 36 years ago, her life ended short leaving behind a 14-year-old daughter. Courtney lost her mom, my aunt Paula when she was only 14. Her memorial service was yesterday in Utah. I hope that she is better off on the other side of the veil.

Another significant event on this trip was a reunion in the St. George temple on Friday morning. Mom, Dad, Spencer, Shelley, Tanya, Jody and Dirk, and Colleen and Lee and I all met in the temple together as Colleen took Dixie's name through for her endowment. Mom had taken Dixie's name through for her initiatory the night before while we, of course, were still on the road. I was grateful to be in the House of the Lord with my family, but also to be there while Dixie was receiving her endowment. I love my aunt Dixie and I feel that she deserves all the blessings she can receive. Colleen was worried whether or not she would accept the work. Mom said she was sure and she discussed how Dixie has been bugging her to get it done from the other side. Grandma thought not to do anything really special for her birthday this year, but she woke up from a dream in the middle of the night hearing the encouragement that she needed to do something big and important. Though it was difficult for her to travel, the sisters worked it out and gathered us together in Pine Valley at a lodge near Dixie National Forest and St. George. We that believe know that Dixie had a hand in this. She wanted us to be together and she wanted her work done there in the temple closest to the National Park that carries her name. It was a fitting tribute to my dear Aunt Dixie who unexpectedly died just a year ago before Grandma's 89th birthday. Mom spent a few months getting the facts together for Dixie so that her ordinances could be done. Surely Dixie had a hand in that as well. Mom was also sure that Grandpa John and Grandpa Hemingway were both on the other side leading her in the discussions and preparing her for the occasion. I'm grateful for the closeness of the spirit world as we do work for our beloved family members who have crossed to the other side. I felt Dixie's spirit that weekend as we were in the temple, as we drove past Dixie's Academy, as we hiked in Dixie's forest and especially as we were able to see the Grand Canyon on our trip back home. She would have been proud that she inspired me and my family to appreciate God's beautiful earth that weekend as we remembered her and celebrated my Grandmother's life and visited with family.

Why is it that our family inspires so much love within us? It doesn't seem to matter where they come from or what they do or the choices they make, we continue to care when others may feel relieved of the burden or go on about their own lives because it doesn't matter to them. But family envokes something within us to care deeply to love unconditionally and to inspire us in ways no other can.

The gospel of Jesus Christ ultimately is about bringing the family unit back together with our Father in Heaven. As it's been stated before, it isn't Heaven if someone is missing.

4 generations. Grandma Bettie Wickham, Chris and Randy Ellis, Chalice & Jhonny Marcano, Jessica, Lily, Gavin and Ammon Marcano.

Grandma with her Grandkids and great Grandkids.

Same as above only with spouses

Jennis and her family

Jerry, Alison and Claire

Front row: Chris, Colleen, Grandma Bettie Wickham, Rulon, Rob. Back row: Jerry, Jody, Carma, Jennis. Deceased: Paula and Dixie, Grandpa John Wickham and Grandpa Vern Hemingway. Not present: Marcus.