Baby Marcano # 4

 Here the baby is waiving at us from the womb. What a smart baby. He's so excited to join the family. I'm sure he was worried he wouldn't make it there for a while.

This was pretty obvious. Wow! What a shock. So the fued has finally ended sort of. The irony of it all is that all the kids changed their platform before we found out. Right before we went into the room, Gavin was telling me how upset he would be if it was a girl and Lily was insisting that we were getting a sister. Then inside, their tunes changed. Gavin now wanted a sister and Lily was certain it was a boy. Lily was right. So, Ammon it is! Now to settle on a middle name that both Jhonny and I like. That might be a challenge.

I can report that once Gavin got a nap, he finally realized that having a brother might be more fun. Good thing he has 5 more months to get over having his spot as the baby boy taken over.

All I want is. . .

My little baby boy is growing up. For the past semester he's been going to a day care that has been very conveniently located on the way to work. I've really been pleased with everything, except for the occasional tantrum from my son in the mornings dropping him off. I'm assured these are short lived and he usually ends up having a great day. However. . .
For more than a few weeks the tantrums have revolved around one request. He's been wanting to go to our neighbor's house instead of daycare. If their name was mentioned at all - a tantrum would insue. If you know my sweet little darling well, you also know that once he gets an idea in his head, he's pretty stubborn about getting what he wants until it happens and then once he's experienced it he might change his mind. But this is something that he's been begging for for a while.
Then a couple of things triggered me to think about it a little more seriously. When we went over to ask if they were interested in taking the job, Gavin sidled up to the mom batting his long eye lashes begging her to take him in. I promise we were not coaching him. Who could say no to that? I won't go into details, but to make a long story short, he finally got what he wanted and he'll be going to our friend's house when school starts again in 2012. He's promised me no more morning tantrums.
Who knows what I'll do next year when I need to pay for 2, but I have a few more months before I have to worry about that.

Merry Christmas

Jessica has joined the Gattis choir this year. This is one of their songs from their caroling at Randalls followed by going to the Senior Living Center.

Linus Connection

 The Gattis quilting club

Helping show and tell at the Linus Connection

Jessica joined the quilting club at school with her best friend Ashley. They went to a show and tell and delivery meeting to the Linus Connection last Saturday. We missed the blankets that the girls made, but got these of them helping someone else show off what they had done. We were told that the girls made four quilts and 9 fleece blankets to turn in the first semester.

Jessica is really enjoying the art of sewing. She has taken her fashion design for her dolls a step beyond just cut and glue to actually getting on my machine and using a few stitches in her designs. It's definitely in her DNA.

Promised Pics

 Before

 After

 Still bleeding

Aren't I cute?

Lily lost a tooth

I'd post a picture, but I can't find the camera. Lily's been working on this particular first tooth for about 3 weeks. She was so excited when it was first loose, but having it yanked out at that time was a bit too intimidating for her. I told her to work on it for a while wiggling it whenever she could. That was fine with her, but she informed me that she couldn't do it at school, because it was against the rules to put her finger in her mouth there. Okay.
Last Saturday - Dec 17th, she came to show me how loose it had gotten. I told her I could probably knock it out if she wanted me to. She nodded her head and before she could change her mind, I yanked on it quickly and it popped right out. She had a mixture of emotions after that. She couldn't wait for the tooth fairy, couldn't believe all the blood and why did I hurt her like that? After the bleeding stopped, she just couldn't stop admiring how cute she looked with her missing toothy grin. There are pics. I just have to find the camera to post them. I promise to do that soon.
By the way - the tooth fair came and gave her a whole dollar. She couldn't wait to go shopping and ended up buying a toy jewelry set at the dollar store. She wanted ear rings, but settled for the sticker kind in the set instead. She also left a note for the tooth fairy letting her know how much she loved the dollar. What a thoughtful little girl.

Cure for denial

 My first thought was, "Well I guess I can really come out of denial now." My second, "What a cutie!"

 The kids got to be there today for this ultrasound. They were soo excited to see a real live baby! Jessica said, "That is a really cool device!"

 Looks like we've got another thumb sucker! It may be cute now. . .

 We've also got a praying child. At least someone has been listening to how to kneel and bow their head during the prayer! LOL!

 The baby couldn't keep still. Kept swimming all over the place! No wonder I've been so sick!

The screening went well so far. The sonographer said the thin layer of skin was a good sign and we should know more after my blood test comes back.

The other good news is that I haven't gained any weight although the baby is measuring 2 inches. I feel like I've been getting fat, but apparently it's being compensated somewhere else. Yea.

Not for kids

I was shopping last week and grabbed a tube of toothpaste that looked like the kind I usually get for the kids. Gavin saw it and asked if it was for him. I said yes and your sisters. He couldn't wait to brush his teeth. A few minutes later he came out to the kitchen with a sour look on his face and toothpaste around his lips.
"Mom, I don't think that toothpaste is for kids."
"Why not?"
"It's spicy."
Right brand, wrong kind.

Family Fued

If you ask Gavin, there's a baby brother in my tummy. If you ask Lily, there's a sister. That's the current family fued. If you ask me, I'm just fighting nausea constantly. Can't wait for the first trimester to be complete so I can regain some energy and perhaps focus on more than trying not to vomit. Point in case - I remembered today at 3:15 that Jessica had a talk in primary. I still can't remember what the topic was supposed to be on. Well. To put it shortly, it didn't happen.

How do I feel about being pregnant? I'm sure there are some out there saying, "I told you so." I suppose I'll take it. I guess I don't mind hearing that since having one more child has been my heart's desire since we lost the last baby in March of 2009. Frankly I gave up and decided it was time to move on and enjoy the family we've already created. I guess this one finally decided it was time.

And perhaps I shouldn't have been so hasty in giving up. Honestly we gave up in July, because I didn't feel like moving all that baby stuff in the attic. I'm sure there were plenty at our garage sale who benefited from our marked down items. I'm not ready to decide what to replace just yet, but I'm sure we'll probably spend more than we made. There are worse problems to have.

Now that it finally happened, things kind of make more sense. A couple of years ago, I was waiting to find out if our efforts had had any results and researching our options. The options at the time scared me and it was a great relief to discover that I was NOT pregnant as much as I wanted this baby to come, I knew the circumstances were wrong. I found myself counseling with the Lord and realizing a couple of things needed to change in order for us to be pregnant again. First - I needed insurance. CHIP was NOT a good option for the risks I might face after having to experience a miscarriage and DNC as well as PIH with Gavin. Coverage for only the baby and a live birth just would not do. Thus came the decision that I needed to go back to work.

Second - We needed to live closer to the hospital. Our luck with Gavin was sure to be short lived. The stress about going into labor and delivering in the car on the way was just too much to take.

Third- After getting a job, I realized that driving that hour commute one way would probably kill me if I were pregnant. I kind of needed to be closer to work. I struggled with this one as I felt like surely the Lord would take care of me if required, but it would still be nice.

So now that I am pregnant. I can see the miracles at hand. What appeared to be somewhat selfish on my part were really mountains being moved so this little one could safely come into the world with Mom in tact. I have insurance and we have finally been able to move closer to the hospital and work. So I guess the timing is pretty perfect even though I was a little impatient, a trend that is not uncommon to my being.

Now my prayer is not to NOT be sick. Just to endure it and see a healthy end result. I must admit the first few weeks were full of denial. Despite the surety of the doctor and nurses, I wouldn't believe it until I saw a strong steady heartbeat and on time development. At 7 weeks, I got that reassurance. Now at almost ten weeks, I'm excited for the next visit at 12 to see another ultrasound and the development.

My cousin shared that her pregnancy has brought mixed emotions. I can believe it. I suppose I'm going through a similar experience. It's hard to have hope for something wonderful when you know it could just as easily go the other way. No one is immune to adversity, sadness, or disappointment. I just hope that all will turn out well this time.

If nothing else - I've learned to appreciate the children I have. The joy that they can bring. Holding them closer. Loving them a little more. Teaching them what I can. They are little for such a short time. They grow up so fast. It's hard to believe Jessica is already 9. Where did the years go?

Another thing that is different this time around is that the kids are so excited. They are all looking forward to this baby. Whether it's a girl or a boy, this baby will be well loved and welcomed.Gavin is ready to teach him baseball, and how to play with cars. Lily is ready to teach her how to play dress up and have a tea party. Jessica is ready to cuddle and feed and nurture whatever gender we may have. Stay tuned for more to come.  We should probably find out in January what the resolution of this battle will be.

The Move

We moved to Round Rock mid september. Jhonny started his new job and the kids started a new school. Our new ward has been very supportive. After two weeks, Jhonny was called to be the second counselor in the Elder's quorum presidency. He was pretty shocked, but the calling is great for him. He has been kept very busy getting to know the brethren in the ward and serving mostly by way of moving people.
I was called to be the pianist in the Relief Society followed by a calling to be the Ward Music Chairman. I'm excited about my new calling and pulling out the musical talent in the ward. It's just about perfect for the amount of other stress in my life right now.
Work is going well. It's nice to be home to fix dinner most nights. There's still those days that I don't feel like cooking, but those are fewer than they were last year. I haven't worked in a workout schedule yet, but I really should. Being able to hit the pool around the corner has been nice. Last time we went it was actually a bit cold. Maybe fall is finally coming.
The house looks somewhat normal now - unless you look in the garage where there's still a billion boxes needing to be unpacked. I had great intentions yesterday that went by the wayside. Hohum. Perhaps one of these weekends we'll get something accomplished with that. I'm sure the great majority are books that have no shelf to go on. And until our other house sells, money is tight - so buying them is not really an option right now.
Sell house sell!! That is our prayer daily. Lily is the best at remembering that. When it does we might be able to afford activities again. For now - those are on hold. Well other than Jessica enrolling in girl scouts. We almost enrolled Lily, but I'm hesitant. It sounds like a lot of commitment that I don't feel up to right now.
It would be great to put Lily in gymnastics and Gavin in soccer or swimming. They want to be involved. But that all costs something so. . .thus the prayer.
At least until the new year. Then I'm going to need a good financial advisor to determine if foreclosure is an option we can deal with or not. The consequences kind of scare me, but? What to do? I know we can't keep paying for two houses for long.
That about catches us up to the present.

Dia de tristeza

January 2005 just before leaving to go back home to Texas. This was the last time we saw Clara Guerra (Grandma with her hand on Jhonny's shoulder) in person. We recieved the news this afternoon that she passed away at 11:00am this morning after struggling with a series of heart attacks and hospitalization. We knew the time was near, but it came all too soon anyway. We've been tossing around the idea of sending Jhonny back this summer, but just didn't have the money or the pass port ready to go.
Jhonny tried calling all week, but no one answered the phone. They were likely at the hospital so she could undergo treatments.
I remember Clara laying on her bed complaining about her chest hurting. It didn't seem to slow her down too much. She still made the best chicken soup according to Jhonny. Although I might disagree, you can't convince him of that and I doubt I will ever come close to replicating it. I also remember how sweet she was to me. Always with a smile and beso. I often teased Jhonny that she loved me more than him.
 I didn't always understand her quick spanish, but her eyes twinkled and she was kind. She wanted to keep Jessica when we were there. She said, "Just leave her here for a year." Uhh, no, but that was her. She took in everyone. Almost all of Jhonny's siblings were raised for a while under her roof.
My first recollection was when I dropped off Jhonny. I heard her voice bellowing out at someone. I've often heard Jhonny with that same bellow at our kids. It reminds me of her. And then when she saw me she stopped short wondering who I was. I came in, introduced myself and kissed her on the cheek (Venezuelan culture). It took her by surprise I think and she sweetened right up. After that she and her husband were often blessing me and sending their greetings to my parents.
I think I broke her heart when I announced that we would be coming back to the states before Jessica was born. I had been telling Jhonny to tell her for a while and I was left in a precarious position of letting her know when confronted with a direct question about our plans. She didn't say anything, but I could tell she didn't care to hear that news. I was taking her baby and great grand baby away.
So when I felt the inspiration to go back in 2005, I couldn't ignore it. Mostly because I felt that she would never forgive me for keeping her great grandbaby away from meeting her in this life. I'm glad now that we have these photos and the memories. I wish we could have afforded to travel there every summer. If the price of flights were only cheaper, we might have attempted it.
Now, we have our memories and they have our prayers. Clara - we will miss you. Especially tu hijo.

To Move or Not to Move, that's been the question

For the past year I have been commuting over 80 miles a day round trip. I'm not the only one here that does it, and I could get used to it if necessary. However, the look on my kids' hungry faces when I get home just before bedtime was taking it's toll. So I've been in turmoil for a while wondering if taking this job that I really couldn't pass up for so many reasons was the right thing to do.
My conclusion as I tossed around the pros and cons always came up to the same thing - we need to move. Prayer left me with the same conclusion and so I figured one year and then Jhonny can find a job and we'll pack it up when we sell the house.
For a year the house has been on the market. Nothing! No bites, nada. Then the hiring freeze in Round Rock and most of the Austin area.  ?? I wondered if I had been wrong in my impression. Maybe I DID choose wrong and should have fought harder to stay?
I checked the local vacancies and there was one available for almost what I wanted even though it was less money, I could be home for my kids. It sounded good to me. We like our home and our branch family. But I was left undecided. I decided to go to the temple to work it out.
The pros and cons were left hanging there and finally I opened the scriptures and said, "What do I do?" The scripture I read made little sense to me, but the confirmation of the spirit told me it was my answer. Okay. I thought about the words I read and tried to imagine how it fit my situation. Then later that day I noticed that the hiring freeze had been lifted. Jhonny contacted a principal he'd met earlier and was invited to interview. But we weren't told an answer right away.
Later that week I watched a BYU TV thing about Lot's wife and not looking back. That impressed me. Here I am with a possible opportunity for our family's future and I'm torn with what I'm leaving behind and looking forward to the next step. I realized that it's time to look forward and not worry about the past or what I'm leaving behind. I love it here, but there's something else waiting. I don't know all that's waiting, but I know we need to move forward with faith and gratitude.
THEN we got the news late on Monday that Jhonny was made an offer. On Tuesday he was let go from his contract in Cameron. Then I was all a panic about how we would financially and physically pull this off. I had to remind myself that if this is the Lord's will, it will happen. Be calm and have faith.
The scripture  I read in the temple began to make sense. It said (and I paraphrase to what I got out of it) to establish a place for my family and the members would help support my family in my absence. This may seem strange to others, but it was just what I needed to get a priority list together on what to tackle first. Find a place for my family, then look for day care.
The next part of the scripture was about serving the Lord. That part perhaps was what made me suspect the answer was in a move. It didn't say to quit my job or come home. I have often felt that the two hours a day I have spent driving could be better spent devoting time to my callings. If we moved, I would earn those hours back a little and perhaps be of better use somehow.

Wednesday a member who used to live in Taylor and now resides in Virginia called President Daniels wondering if he knew of anyone who might have a place to rent. They have one daughter in high school and a son serving in the military. He works with software programming. Hmmm. Sounds like a family meant for this branch. That evening as I shared our news with Chanda, she mentioned it. The next day I got his info and called. Turns out we have more than the space they need for much less than they were willing to pay. I know I could have taken advantage of that, but just thinking that the Lord had placed this opportunity in our lap stopped me from doing so and I quoted him the price we had discussed. He was happy and relieved at his good fortune. I was amazed. I always felt like when the time was right, it would happen quickly and not until then. I'm also grateful to have someone that won't let our seats in Rockdale grow cold.
So now to find a place for us. We searched high and low and yet nothing within our price range felt "right." Finally today as I was trying to find yet another apartment complex to check out, I prayed, "Please Lord, just lead me to the place." I accidentally drove into the wrong neighborhood and up to a house with a for rent sign out front. We called and finally checked it out.
I felt at peace. Even though the place isn't finished and things aren't ready for move in yet, it felt like we could fit there comfortably. The neighborhood was NOT scary. And it's about five miles to both places of work. I liked the land lords. Even though the price was above what I wanted to pay, it was hard to ignore the feeling of being done. Meanwhile, Jhonny kept looking for other houses in that price range in the area. I drove by, but didn't get the same sense of peace. Finally I thought - what's the point? I know this is what I want and I love that it's close to where we need to be. 10 minute commute! I'm all over that!

Now to find day care. I feel like the answer lies somewhere in the ward we're moving to. Or in the members in that area. It's just out of our current stake, but very close to people I know from our stake. So we shall see. I'm curious at what we will find. I have a place in mind, but I've been hesitant to move on it. I need to explore the possibilities first before I commit.
In times like this, the Lord moves in mysterious ways. I don't always understand the reasons or the timing of things, but I know when I see things lining up and unfolding like this that only he could be in charge of the chain of events. I'm so grateful that He has comforted me enough to not look back and turn to salt, but to look forward with faith and rely on Him and his tender mercies.
To my branch family I bid a bittersweet farewell. It's been a great 4 years. Now you need to pray for some more primary kids to come in so the Husher girls won't be the only ones. We love you all and will miss you dearly.

I'm not for eating. . .

Last week when Gavin was in nursery, he turned to his teacher and said, "I don't want my dad to come in here, because he wants to eat me and I'm not food."

Today as we were leaving church, Gavin was sporting a custom made wrist band (made from a wrapper of some sort). He was so excited as he explained, "I can hear when the dinasours and dragons come because this helps me hear them."
"You must be a brave boy."
"Yes, I am."

While at a baseball game Gavin was sitting on my lap kissing my cheeks. Jhonny wanted him to come to him, but he wasn't getting his attention. Finally he shouted, "Hey, Gavin, whatta ya doin?!?"
"Kissin!"

Gavin was asleep during dinner today, so later when he woke up we set out his dinner while I was making cookies. Of course Gavin wanted to eat cookies instead of his dinner. "You have to eat your dinner first, son," I told him.
"I can't!" he retorted.
"Why not?" I asked.
"It makes me pee!"

Last week I took Gavin on a date. While drinking our slushies I thought I would bring up some small talk. "Who's your best friend?" I asked. Without hesitation he said, "LILY!"

Another Summer Sunday

My son is still up. I put him to bed a WHILE ago. It's summer and we're all pretty lax about the routine. Don't worry it will be back in place way sooner than we want it to be.
Earlier - I was trying to talk to my sister on the phone. About sisterly stuff. And my kids somehow all gravitated to where I was trying to be alone. I looked at them and listened intently to her story and thought - ugh - I should have put them to bed first. Now I'm stuck. I finally had to beg off the phone and submit to bedtime routine at least.
Because as tempting as it seemed to dump the responsibility off on my husband and continue my conversation. . . he is finishing his homework that he didn't get to yesterday because. . .well see below.
My kids are so dang cute. I could be bias, but I don't know any little boy cuter or sweeter than mine and girls so beautiful and heart warming. They tackled me with kisses and wouldn't stop til I tickled them off.
How did they grow up so fast? Where has the time fled? Why does it have to go so fast? When I was a kid - summer was FOREVER! I loved the LONG break and playing outside all day long. The days were long then too. I remember finding it ridiculous to go to bed before the sun went down. Probably why I haven't bothered trying to keep up with the regular schedule with my kids.
The days are soooo LONG. The sun just doesn't want to disapear. I'm sure they have great ways of dealing with this in Alaska - but we're in Texas here. And even though the days are long - the summer is already half over. Maybe my laziness is my way of trying to slow it DOWN. Didn't work - a week has already disappeared and we still haven't completely unpacked the van.
But I digress. So teaching primary today, one of my kiddos asked if we could just take a break today. Irony was that we were discussing the ten virgins and how we need to be prepared for the second coming.  So obviously we can't take a break. THAT would totally contradict the point of the lesson. But I get it. It's summer. Lazy, hazy dayz of summer. Where you just don't want to do anything at all because you know that before too long, you're going to be fully swung into the middle of chaos and not enough time to fit it all in.
Right now - I'm content to be lazy. . .
Until yesterday. . . I was thinking it had been a whole week of nothing but curling up with a good book and being completely unable to think of a single necessary thing to do. And feeling like I needed to pull myself out of the slump and get busy actually DOING something productive. That's when I decided it was time to straighten up some things around the house and rearrange furniture. Unfortunately, this required some rewiring of certain electronic gadgets. Not my expertise although I offered to give it a go. My husband reluctantly joined in. He complained that all week I've done nothing and NOW I get a cleaning bug? I asked him if he'd prefer I dropped everything and returned to my book. Not a chance.
We got one room done. Now for tackling the garage. Oh darn - it's gonna have to wait til after my hair appt in Houston tomorrow. . . I wish I didn't actually have to drive to get there. That would be nice. To blink my way to places I want to be. I've been waiting for that invention my whole life.
So much for being productive.

Trek to Utah 2011

Dance recital continued

Dance Recital

Jessica and Lily finish their second year with Nmotion Dance. Jessica was on the Dance Team. Above is their competition dance. They also did two more for recital. Enjoy!

Take me out to the ball game

We finally made it to the Dell Diamond. I won some free tickets from a drawing at school for 4 tickets behind home plate. It was pretty awesome, but besides me and Jhonny, Gavin was the only other one really enjoying themselves. We finally caved and took the kids to the play area where they jumped and played and Jessica rock climbed. It's a little strange that this baseball park has a park on the diamond. There were tons of kids playing basketball, bungee jumping, rock climbing, swimming in the pool, and playing on the jungle gym. I thought, "Is this a baseball field?" Who'd of thought to build all that into the diamond?
So I guess the good thing is that there is plenty of entertainment for the kids, but the downside is that we couldn't really watch the end of the game when we were overseeing the kids at the back of the field on the toys. . . Unfortunately, it was a school night, so we had to head home before the game was over. As we walked out they played "Take me out to the ball game" and had everyone in the stands sing along. It was fun. The kids didn't know the song. . . We really need to work on our knowledge of American pop culture besides what you see on the Disney Channel.

Humpty dumpty had a great jump. . .

Once upon a time, Mom and Dad were exhausted and decided to take a nap on a Sunday afternoon. Before settling down, they put their children snug into their own beds and warned them to sleep or else. Well. . . just as the mom and dad fell into a deep sleep, the children decided to make plans of their own. With a little help from her younger brother, Lily pulled the mattress off of the lower bunk bed onto the floor. This would provide the cushion for her and Gavin as they jumped off the platform of a higher piece of furniture. Together hand in hand, Lily and her brother jumped off and landed almost safe onto the cushion below. However as brilliant as this plan was, it didn't take into account one tiny cheek crushing into one tiny shoulder blade.

With screams and shouts of pain, Mom and Dad were woken from their deep slumber only to find a very hurt little girl and sad little boy.

After thorough interrogations, deductions were made and the story was uncovered. The reward? About three weeks of wearing a black eye in public. This was quite devestating for an already slightly vain 5 year old. Of course I caved and let her wear some makeup to conceal it the first couple of days. That helped slightly.

Graduations. . .

Our school got the last slot for graduation last night. That meant I got home about 11:30pm by the time all was said and done. I probably could have gotten home sooner - but I stopped at the Dairy Queen drive thru to get something to keep me awake for the hour long drive home. I guess alot of other people also wanted icecream late at night because it added an extra twenty minutes to my drive.
In making sure my seniors all got what they needed done, I missed out on a few other graduations this week. Like Lily at her Pre-K graduation. She told me she would not sing her song if I wasn't there. Fortunately she gave me several previews of it before making this announcement. I haven't had time to ask if Jhonny recorded it for me or not. And Jessica's award's ceremony. She earned quite a few, but she was happy to give me a recap. Gavin's last day of daycare. I will miss Ms. Rosa and her help potty training my son. I thought of getting a present for my kid's teachers - too late. I hope they know I appreciate them even though I'm swamped under my own piles of papers and grades and transcripts and phone calls to return and emails to respond to and work that is never done even with a deadline. . .I love my job - I do, but. . .
That is the life of a full time working mom who has an hour commute. Seeing it all second hand. . .Not ideal, but necessary for now. Lily is not the only one who misses being able to go to the silly ceremonies. She was my sidekick at all of Jessica's important insignificantly seeming events. She knows what a stay at home mom does because she doesn't forget anything. Why her mom doesn't come to hers is incomprehensible. . . Even when she experiences the drive first hand it still doesn't compute that it is impossible to be in two places that far away all at once.
Perhaps next year will bring some changes. So far we remain in limbo. I've fought with the idea of settling into accepting status quo. Status quo is doable, but it is not ideal for me or my kids although Jhonny seems somewhat okay with the idea that we won't have to pay for childcare next year. I miss my children. I miss being there for the little things. Perhaps it is selfish to want to be present. . . but it's for these little things that I long for change and I continue to hope for a better future. One that includes a job for my husband in a place where I won't be too far away to be present when it matters. If that happens, it will truly be a miracle due to the current economic crisis in Texas State Education.
I know that God can make it happen. . . the question is - Is it what he wants for us? Because ultimately our will is in his hands. We will go where he sends us. Is what we want the same as what he wants for us? Or is it a far better thing to remain in status quo for reasons unbeknownst to us? That is my constant search within. Answer TBA.

Officially OLD!

$300, 2 Dr. appointments and 1 MRI later, I have arthritis in my knee. I laughed when the Doctor gave me his diagnosis and said, "Now I'm officially old." Great!
I hope the physical therapy will work. Today I was feeling fairly fine until I stood up for over an hour to prepare my husband's annual birthday dinner (lasagna). I had to ice it and elevate afterwards. Ugh! Will I ever be able to do normal things again? I keep thinking that this can't be the end of mobility as I know it.
I have fairly high levels of pain tolerance. This hurts! It throbs! I can't put weight on it at all. Kind of frustrating. I want to ignore the pain and live a normal life. The pain refuses to be ignored and reminds me constantly of my mortality.

Summeritis

One more week of school for the kids and my students. Three more weeks of work. Then at least 6 weeks or more of vacation. Summertime please come quickly and then please go by slowly. I so need a break.

What I like most about Easter. . .

Yesterday, our children carried on the Ellis family saturday morning easter egg hunt tradition followed by the once a year boiled eggs, cotton candy, candy in general, & chocolate easter bunnies for breakfast. I felt We opted indoors this year since I really wanted to enjoy chocolate and it's 92 degrees outside.

This morning during sacrament meeting, Gavin was sitting on my lap. I was trying really hard to keep him reverant, but couldn't help a silent chuckle when I heard him humming the song from Winnie the Pooh's easter movie. "What I like most about easter, is the way that we show that we care. . ." Even though it wasn't exactly a hymn, it was nice to see that he was listening to something and associating it with this special day.

Happy Birthday Lily!

For Lily's birthday, I promised her we would take her to the Mad Hatter's Tea Room like we did for Jessica's 5th birthday. I couldn't help reminiscing a little. Here's some comparison pics. I can't believe my little baby girl has grown up so much. Although her precociousness can drive me crazy, she definitely makes me proud. I love you Lily! Happy Birthday!

Jessica and Lily's 5th birthdays @ Mad Hatter's Tea Room

Lily's not the only one who has grown up. Guests in common for both parties are Haley, Amber, Lily and Jessica. See if you can find them in these pics.

I love Lily's laugh in this picture. She had such a good time with her friends!

Released!

I looked at my son today and tried to remember him growing up. When did it happen? I couldn't remember him learning to walk. Did I miss that? Oh yes - I remember now a little how he dove into the ground head first, but never gave up. When did he start talking? It seems like I missed so much. Where was I? Oh yeah - I was Relief Society President. . .

***

A few months ago, I was feeling great stress. Stress over my limited time. Stress over trying to get home sooner from work. Stress from feeling guilty that I wasn't getting work done. Stress over not spending more time with my kids only to be stressed that I wasn't spending enough time on my calling. . .

Stress at being stretched in so many directions. And so I did what I do in times like that. . . I prayed to be relieved of something or strengthened to bear the burden. But pray as I might the only solution was one I did not welcome greatly. I felt the need to be released.

And with that came a whole lot of guilt and stress. Stress over not having faith that I could have time to work and do my calling. Stress over not being able to parent my children. So I vented to my confidents. And they echoed my feelings. . . ask to be released. But I didn't like that plan. I wanted the Lord to tell someone to release me - not ask to be released.

So I prayed some more. Finally it became evident that though it wasn't something I wanted to do, the stress was more than enough. I finally got up enough courage to talk to my Branch President and let him know how I was feeling. No sooner did I say, "I guess I'm asking you to pray about whether or not I should be released." He said, "We've just been waiting for you to come and let us know when you'd had enough."

Wow! Wow. hmm. I guess it was a test of my faith? Not sure. But I can say - the Lord did hear my prayers. He knew. He was waiting for me to choose.

Last Sunday I was officially released. Nothing has felt so sweet as to feel the burden lifted. Now this is not to say that I didn't have my time of mourning and wondering if I made the right choice to let this go. But when it actually officially happened - it was sweet. I knew it was right and about time.

***

Something that helped was doing one last thing before I was released - writing the Branch History for Relief Society in 2010. It was at least 3 pages long. It was humbling to remember how much happened just last year. So many miracles. So many acts of service. So many wonderful spiritually enriching moments. So many testimonies being strengthened. It's time to pass the baton. Allow someone else the opportunity at the incredible blessings of service and sacrifice. I won't miss the stress. . . but I might miss the blessings that came with it.

I learned a lot. I was challenged. I was shown a glimpse of myself I never knew. I felt the weight of the responsibility of my stewardship. I received inspiration I couldn't deny that I worried I wouldn't recognize. My testimony of the work of the Lord was strengthened. The Lord knows us. He loves us. He guides this church. Perhaps some day when my children are a little more self reliant I might have the privilege of serving again. But hopefully not for a long time.