The Little Secret Box

I am tired of my life.
Having Two dads doesnt help. I saw a kid eating KFC with his dad, I found that i never have that love before. I am envious of the kid.

I hate myself why do I wanna study music. I am a mediocure musician, not gonna have any bright prospective. I am getting old.. 24 soon. Still only going into the 2nd year of undergrad studies.
I dunno how long I can hold out too.

Cant find a place in hong kong to spend my summer holidays. I knew a guy whom is only 26. A pilot with Emirates, cute, young and an executive. I wish i am like him, maybe as clever as him to have sort out his life.

I dont want to be a loser. Yet it seems I am going down that path.
I wish I can start all over again.

I do not wish to forget, but i am fighting a losing battle.

The day that someone asked you at Happy, 'am I your bf?' You gave such a proud and confirming yes, with you nodding your head away. Though you may not have realise, i was so touched by it. You may not have realise i was peeping at both of ya talking.

I do not wish to forget this memory.. though i feel like crying everytime i thought of that,
I know i still miss you as much as before.

It has been 1 1/2 years.
I thought i got over him. I am such a loser..
I dreamt of him again.. and it realli affects me.
I dreamt my flight from London to HK on Qantas is having some problems midair,
and is force to take a landing at Singapore airport. (it is not gonna happen, cos singapore is further than HK, i am not stupid. as i say it is a dream.)

I was with my family and i cleared customs without any problem.. (in my dreams, i dun even have to clear custom.)
I was walkin behind Bendermeer road.. and it was like 4 -5 am.
I called him and he picked up the phone after a few rings,. and i told him i am in Singapore.
I wanna meet him.. he seems kinda happy to hear my voice.

Suddenly i jus wake up.. to the reality.
I am in London.

I hacve never slept until that late.. it is like 2 pm now.
I still do miss him.

Glenn
5th june 2006

I got into a few colleges for my auditions..
and have made my choice to which college i shall go for my Bmus course.
Thus will be going to Manchester by july this year.

I will indeed miss my current professor, for without him,
i will never make it anywhere.
I am truly sorry that i have to leave my current college,.. partially due to cheaper living expenses in Manchester,
and a more prestigious college.
I am not sure of the road ahead.

Went to Kudos to have a drink jus now.. kinda drunk, yet after a year..
i still find myself thinking of George, wishing that he is beside me..
he took down his profile and i never see him on msn messenger anymore.
Phone calls are never answered, and i know he has move on.
I do not allow myself to call him anymore, cos, I have to accept the fact that it is the past.
No way i can salvage it.

As Wagner put it in words ' I often feel a terrible emptiness in my life....as an artist and nothing but an artist- that is my blessing and my curse' - Letter to Roeckel, 23 aug 1856

The day i left him seems to be yesterday, i wish to see his smile again,
to be embrace by him again, to see his eyes again..

I wish i am dead.

Maybe i wish someone will come along and take his place in my heart, though i search and search..but in vain.
For i know my heart is still with him, yet he has moved on.. oblivious to the fact..
I miss him still.

Learnin the Elgar concerto.. and bridge sonata,
the angishness towards life.. and the search for a meaning of life presents themselves respectively in these 2 pieces.
When i was rehearsing bridge sonata today with my pianist.. his image was at the back of my mind..
knowingly or unknowingly.. drawing strength from my desire to be with him again.. yet the total dispair knowing there is nothing i can do.. I shall regret for the rest of my life.

If the pain cancelled out the delight of living, life could not a meaning. But pain and delight do not have to cancel out: they can add up to an imense aliveness of which the value is indestructible even if mortal life itself is not.
Irony indeed.

Well.. been running ard and not accomplishing anything.
Cello not yet verified..
went down to college to find the letter not ready yet, cos i am not enrolled until next monday
phone died on me.. luckily rene agreed to sign the contract under his name so i can have a new phone and phone line.
I like the W800i Sony ericsson phone so much..
And its orange.. my fav color!

Well saw Sam's blog and he bumped into George at Zouk..well.. today is mambo night.
I did remember the first time we meet was at Zouk.. he was then my drink partner.
I was so so drunk.. he was kinda drunk too..
but he was beside me all the time.. all the time.. trying to take care of me.
Hahaha.. How fate play on our lives..

Melina told me.. that for both of us to be together again.. is like striking a lottery..
and the odds are one against a few millons..
I realli do hope i will strike this 'lottery'..
Cos.. well i have been always lucky in a sense.. I know if i want it very very badly and hope for it..
one day.. jus one day.. we will be together.

i called the singapore embassy, and they have sent me the letter to apply to renounce my spore citizenship.
The chances are very very slim.. but i am giving it a try.
No matter what.. only hope i have now.. is to study hard.. and win an international compeition and gain some fame.. to be recognized and invited back to spore..
It will be a long and tough journey.. but well.. as i say.. fate..

I will be taking jazz cello too..
But for now .. i jus want georgie to be beside me.. hugging me to sleep.. i reallli want to see him..
My tears run dry.. the pain in my heart seems to be lessen, maybe i am gettin use to the pain..
But.. i still miss him like ever before.

George.. wait for me.. i know i am selfish.. but.. i realli do love u. Never before i love someone as much as u.
Sleep tight george and dun drink so much. Muack.

Read my former journals in the blog,
I am glad i did the right choice in choosing George.

I wrote' I swear to be completely monogamous with him', in actual fact.. i am not very sure what mongamous means.
But i am not going to find it out.

I jus know, before i left, I was totally in love with him, and now, I totally love him. ( if you get what i mean.)
i dunno how many ppl is reading this, but i dun think anyone will. Cos everyone thinks i blog in lj with 'celloboi' as the nick.
Yes.. that's me alright, but that's me as an exterior. As a person everyone sees.
Deep inside my heart, all my thoughts and feelings will be here.

I am not going to tell anyone i am writing here, but if you have found it, you are invited to stay.

I had a dream in the afternoon, I dreamt of George.. for the first time.
The dream goes,
My granny wants to eat some chinese pastries at Chinatown, so i decided to go down to Chinatown.
I called george, i can even picture his workplace.. he spinning music at Happy in my dream,
He said he is working and kinda caught up.
So.. i jus went off by myself.

Nothing big deal right? But i guess it jus hints to me, he is leading his own life now, as i have chose my life to 'went off' to London to study by myself.

George.. I still love you no matter what.. I will come back in a few years time. I will try my best.
You may be attached at that time, or so whatsever, but i will still love you for what u are. I jus want you to be happy, cos i chose to follow my dream to study music instead of being with you.

'Life ends.. but Love doesnt. It jus merely takes a different form.'
Good night dear.

After bitching that stupid bassist who think she is very good and yaya.. what i can only tell her. Get a life Loser.

Anyway.. after concert went out with moo and RC, he is drunk and started erm.. playing cello.. and end up in tears. Haiz. Drama.. too much for a day.

Adams found out of my scheme to go overseas. So in the end, i jus told him i am going ram.
He said, ' dun FUCKED up you life' in a sudden pianoissimo and focus tone. He bitchslapped me! argh!
But as colin said, he is jus insercure.. so jus let him be.. cos he keep on telling me he noes the head of brass for HK academy.. now royal academy.. if he is so well connected why is he still in nafa.. nvm.. kind of tired already.. all these politics.. that;s y rebecca kan so interested to noe where i am going.. think she is a spy! Ppl really cannot be trusted.

Anyway first time to have someone other than my bf(s) that i hug and trying to make him stand properly. RC, ah.. u should be very proud. I dun do this to anyone.. ok most ppl i dun even bother. =)
dun feeel so sad ah..
Tired.. did not practise cello for so long.. better go sleep is now 6:06am ..

I have ard 4 mths left with George.. I love him so much. Saw him jus now .. so tired from his work.. and did not eat.. slim down so much.. and look so tired.. kind of heartache. Poor Boy. Muack..

Signing off.. b4 i leave must go pinkified blog to she what she had comment. haha!!