#29 - Many many things

It's been super long since I last posted. I always found blogging to be an escape, in a way. Tonight is one of those nights where I just have so much to say and I'm not sure who is willing to listen to me and I'm not sure if I want to bother anyone to listen to me.

I'm hoping I won't regret spending today slacking away, but we'd have to wait and see.

First off, there's this one thing that has been bothering me... I don't really know how to deal with it. Do I even need to deal with it? Have you ever felt this feeling, when you just met someone new, and you just feel like you never have enough time to talk to that person and to understand that person? Me being me, I can't help texting that person and attempting to continue our conversation where we left off. I just keep wanting to know more. And it's something I think I've never experienced...

I mean I have ever did that because I really like a person and kept wanting to talk to that person because I want to increase my liking towards him or something? But this is completely different. I'm pretty sure I have zero romantic feelings towards this person. But I can't help feeling so, so compelled to want to know him better, and I can't stand all this interference in between that is preventing that from happening.

I'm frightened by how great my desire is to know this person well. It was to the extent where it was consuming my thoughts. It was becoming unhealthy. I kept wondering, am I damn annoying and longwinded and stupid and nosy and everything bad? Why isn't he responding? Does he not want to know me as much as I want to know him? (Which is completely understandable but it bothered me.)

I distracted myself with work and reasoned that he is obviously busy with his own life. But ugh after seeing him and talking to him again, I have to fight these thoughts again. Why, why, why, what am I thinking and feeling? I'm so confused myself.

Am I wanting to be validated? Am I super attracted to talking to him cos he makes me feel good about myself? Is it because I never had such a good male friend ever? Is it because I just crave attention from someone whom I felt would grant me attention?

What in the world are you thinking, Celine? I don't even understand myself. I don't know what to do. It's bothering me so much because I can't understand it.

I'm losing myself, losing my focus. I want to call for help, but I don't know who I can turn to. Is this even an issue? What is happening to me... What am I trying to do? Were my judgments right? Am I pushing the limits? I'm losing myself in this. Maybe all I need to know is what you're feeling, thinking. How you function. Gosh.

I always had this obsession with finding out how things work, what makes things work. I crave to understand how people think, how they make decisions, how they react. It's making me go insane sigh.

Maybe that's just it. I can't stand not understanding how he works, how he functions and it makes me frustrated and wanting to find out more. But why is it so important to know how he is? I don't want to lose this friend? Is it because of my past experiences? Am I worried I would cause history to repeat itself?

I just... want to stop myself from this nonsensical yearning to chat with this person. But I also just want to know him so much better. His real self, if my judgment is right. But why is there this pressing need to know him so much better immediately? It's making me go insane. Because I don't understand my thoughts, and it annoys me, and also because I'm acting in a way that is scaring myself. And I'm letting it affect my life too much.

Ah forget it.



I also wanted to talk about my Godpa's passing. It still feels so surreal. I still think about being able to see you, Godpa. I never even got the chance to take a proper photo with you before. I haven't even got to know you better yet. It hurts, so damn badly. I can't imagine how it must be like for Godma. I'm struggling to type because I'm fighting back my tears.

I don't really remember how I came to be so special to be your goddaughter instead of just an ordinary niece. But I know I always went over to your house during the school holidays to play.

And I can't type anymore because I'm too overwhelmed by my sorrow..


Wonder if I'll regret typing such personal stuff but we'd see.

#28 - Letting go (1)

You know what hurts the most, honestly? Ironically, it's not the fact that I sometimes get abandoned; not the fact that I'm no longer friends with someone I used to trust so much; not the fact that I am misunderstood at times. All these things seem so trivial when I think about what some of my friends go through.

I hurt so much when I know I can't take their pain away.
I hurt so much because I know there's nothing I can do.
I hurt so much because I don't understand why these things happen to kind people.

What's the use of being able to empathize with them if it's still them feeling the hurt?

I guess maybe sometimes I focus on the wrong things. The only thing I can do is probably to always be there to listen whenever the time arises and be bubbly and cheer them up. And I guess that is enough.

So keep going and staying happy so that you can make others happy too, Celine! :)

--

I've been thinking about this quite a bit...

How is it like to let go?

I just realised that I should know the answer to this question. After all, I've let go of so many things in my life before. Letting go of my pre-loved toys, letting go of bad habits, letting go of my late grandparents, letting go of primary school memories, letting go of past friendships... but I don't. 

Every experience seems to have felt differently. It was remarkably easy to let go of my memories... well, simply because I honestly didn't even have to do anything. Time did the trick, together with my lack of capacity to store information in my head (it's true).

Toys? Initially it kinda hurt a little 'cos you think about all the little memories you've created with every single one of your toys and how you are throwing the physical reminder of these memories away. But people move on and love new things and soon these toys are forgotten... in the sense that I no longer feel much about having to let them go. But I do still think about them from time to time -- I just don't feel the strong urge to ever recover them.

Woah wait. I just realised again that hey, everything has got to do with memories.

Now I get it. To completely let go of something, you have to get the memories out of your head. And how important those memories are to you, determines how easy (or hard) it is to let go of something, someone, or an event.

--

I've actually experienced having to let go of something really important to me before. I'm really, really, really so thankful I didn't have to eventually let go though. I mean, actually it was expected and kind of forced it upon me to let go... but I wasn't strong enough to face it and I cheated. Sometimes I wonder, what if I had followed through? Would we still really love each other after at least 2 years? Wouldn't it be hard to stay friends when we were obviously in love with each other? But I guess these questions are irrelevant because the fact now is that I didn't have to give up and truthfully, I'm really so happy now because I've learnt how to balance all my relationships and I've become closer to my family :)))

--

Oh bleah I typed this out this morning at 3+ and I've lost all motivation to continue on this post. So I'll end here for now.

#27 - Immaturity

I was so childish. I guess change is good sometimes. I'm really so glad that I've changed so much in this two years. When I look back at the things I did at the start of the year in 2012 and also in the later half of my sec school days, I can't help but have the urge to kill myself a hundred times... WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS I THINKING?

--

As much as we are all ashamed of some of the things we've done in the past, I guess it's important that we need to embrace these things and recognize that these are the things that have also contributed to the person you have become today, and really, just feel so incredibly grateful that you have come this far and debeloped into a much better person. And don't be shy, but just be proud of who you were, who you are and who you will become. Because all of these make you, you.

--

Prelim results are comimg back and this also means that As are drawing closer and closer. Sometimes I can't really comprehend how is it I manage to write some incredibly intelligent answers in my scripts?! But I guess it's the result of practicing hard... so I must stop being complacent and really buck up and keep  pushing and I know I'll be able to do it! Fight on everybody! :) it'll be over soon and I guess it will also mean that there'll be more blog posts as I mull over life haha.

//edit

Well... just wanted to say as much as I have been trying to embrace my past, srsly all the posts before this can be quite embarrassing haha. But oh well, this is me so LIVE WITH IT. But I guess I just wanted to say that I have learnt to let go of all the hatred I ever had so I guess I'm a happier and free-r person now. And I'm really loved by so many great friends (thank you all for embracing a person like me)! Even though there are some things I'd love to make amends to after As, I guess I'm pretty satisfied with my life as it is :)

Thank You for always protecting and watching over me. It's the greatest love in the world :)

edit//

#26 - Beforemath

Yea I was trying to be funny and coming up with an opposite for aftermath because Math is in 3 days.

--

Reality is cruel.

It hurts. It burns. It threatens to kill any little hope you ever had. The scars stay with you long even after you've forgotten, long after you've forgiven.

But dreams are different.

They let you fly. They set you free. They make you happy. But we wake up and it stops there.

Reality could be different. If we choose for it to be so.

If we learn to embrace the dream-like moments in reality. If we decide to hang on to happiness, and not sadness. If we live in the present, and not the past or the future. If we fight on for the people we love.

Won't reality be a wonderful place to be in?

--

No matter how hard life can get sometimes, it seems people forget that friends exist. People who have been there, done that. People who can give you the most encouraging and uplifting words at the most unexpected times. People who are never too busy to make time for you, if only you open up and reach out to them.

I really wish people don't bottle up and keep things to themselves. For a bystander like me, who actually cares very deeply about you (that which you may not actually realise), it hurts to know that you are hurting.

I want to help. I want you to know I care. And that I'm always here for you.

Every single one of you matter a lot in my life... Because people are what I live for.

--

On a separate note, I have no idea why I was (and still am unfortunately) so emotional today. All that crazy mugging probably sapped all my sense out of me and I'm like just this body with a malfunctioning brain but a heart that is blasting its commands full-on and I'm feeling so many things but not thinking at all. I bet the last few sentences and paragraphs didn't even make much sense.

I think it's the first time you shared so much about your family. Well, it's a start :) I'm always happy to know more about you (and your family). It helps me understand better what kind of influences you've been through, what kind of environment you grew up in, what kind of person you are. Okay, sounds creepy, like I'm purposely psychoanalysing you or something. but that's not the intended effect. I guess it's just that there are so many things I find out about you that makes me love you so much more that I want to know you so much better and love you even more.

Life is so fragile that I'm so afraid I'll lose everything suddenly... Everything is just so good that I don't want it all to be gone. Dear God... Please let me be able to hold on to all these longer... I love him so much.

#25 - Break

I just woke up from my nap. Hmm. Just wanted to take a short break and declare that school has been awesome for me so far, haha.

Yay :)

#24 - B'day photos :D

#23 - Fate

Time for a serious post! I have just been too lazy to think too much... Or rather, when I think too much, my mind just keeps trailing to things like death... And everytime that happens, I would wanna talk to V and see if she's okay. (I mean obviously she should be okay, but I just needed some reassurance to make me feel like, hey if she's fine, I'm okay if I suddenly die.) What crap am I talking man...

Anyway, yea, point is... Since work started, I have been meeting many people from very different backgrounds. Then it hit me recently that maybe I've been overestimating my ability to empathise. I mean, I have been in a school where almost 90% of the people are people whose lives have been blessed and fortunate, but these people only make up like, what? 0.01% of the world or sth? Anyway, the main point is, I've never actually felt so fortunate and blessed in my life before going to work.

I'm so blessed to have a brain that works really well for me. I'm so blessed to have a wonderful family, even though it is actually not exactly a complete one, but it is still a family. I'm so blessed to have a good education. I'm so blessed to have a house. I'm so blessed to have friends. So blessed for everything. And I go by everyday without feeling thankful. Why?

We're sometimes all so caught up in the little things in life that we forget how fortunate we all are, in one way or another, and especially so in that we are all alive and breathing and living. Not that it's bad to die... I mean, who knows what will happen... That's not the point.

I think it's really important to be thankful. Even if it feels like you have like a shitty fate, or like you've been through a lot... It'll always get better. Really. You have to believe in it and also in yourself for that to happen. No matter what it is, no one is actually more unfortunate than another. Because we are simply so different in many ways. How are we supposed to compare properly? Some people are just seemingly more unfortunate 'cos the circumstances that make them unfortunate are very obvious and in the face. Isn't it?

Hmm... Not sure what to say anymore...

Seriously have to pack the storeroom soon. And get ready for JC. This year, I shall be extra hardworking and focused so I can help V and also work at the same time.

I can do it :)