I'm 18!!!!

At 12.00am

1. Doreen msged me online to wish me Happy Birthday on msn.
2. I got a msg from Mich to pick up my phone, followed by a high-pitched rendition of Happy Birthday in whistles courtesy of Michelle and Isabelle.

Life feels good with friends don't ya think?

I'm All SMILES now

God has answered my prayers.

HAPPY

BIRTHDAY

TO ME!!!

:)&

SCREW DRAMA

The last day of my 18th year

It's the last day of my 17th year and I'm meant to be happy. No, I'm not.

The sun rays filtered through the silver-grey window grills and unto my butt. I was too lazy to wake up, having been up till 2.30am chatting online with Jason. It had lasted for four hours but we had dwelved into various interesting issues - a no-holds bar conversation. It's interesting how chatting online brings out the other side of people, removing the awkwardness of chatting face to face. I lazed in bed, trying desperately to sleep more when the irritating music of the phone ringing relentlessly filled the house, like the band members in school practising individually. Argh. Gave up trying to sleep and headed for the hall for my weekly dose of Neil Humphreys.

Breakfast was fulfilling, comprising Thosai, roti prata and finally wanton mee finishing off with a traditional cup of tea. Nice eh? As I spent my time sipping away, I wondered what I would write in my blog, reflecting on the 18th year of life. The Lord had taught me a lot, and it had been fulfilling, together with its fair share of ups and downs.

End of narrative.

I shall stop trying to sound like Adrian Mole and to put an end to this pathetic attempt of trying write another narrative.

Anyway, I think it is apt to spend time reflecting on what I have done over my past year.

A year ago, we were all busy preparing for Free Gift?! the christmas drama that I had written. It was the spark that triggered off my "career" as the scriptwriter in the drama team. It had been written out of the blue, inspired by two separate words, Free and Gift as I was making my choice of script, browsing through the 3 scripts that we had picked off the internet. It sort of came and suddenly the idea of Free Gift?! was born. It was a miracle, God's plan, a way of starting me off in my ministry and suddenly, we were on our way to producing a big drama. I had never written a script in my entire life and though I had doubts about myself, God assured me through the entire journey, through Jeremiah and those people around me. I learned a lot about directing, about handling people and at the end of it, the praises that I got for a job well done made me feel good. It was gratifying.

Yet behind the curtains, the process of putting it up had been tormentous. I shan't elaborate more but with the two co-leaders away in Thailand on their MOB trip, I was left to helm the ship which treaded dangerously in shallow water, dotted with hidden rocks. Cliched as it might sound, no one would have guess the conflict that had arisen behind the wonderful product that God had carefully carved out. Amazingly, I was able to handle the conflicts between those from the opposite species (a one of a kind) through the preparation that He had put me through from the day I first joined the drama team. It had been planned and the success of the Free Gift?! got me to a spiritual high, God, for once, seemed so real.

A year on, this very day, instead of the rehearsals, the situation it completely different.

I'm tired from serving in this ministry, sick and frustrated by all that I've been through. The superficiality, the bitchiness, the fights, the last minute preparations, everything. The drama team has been treated like a script-churning machine and we seem to have lost direction, doing things without God. I thought the Lord had taught me all there was about service but I guess He left out the part about feeling discouraged, the period of trial whereby you just feel like giving up. The A-levels are approaching - I should be focussing on it and yet I'm having to spend time preparing for the Christmas drama. Things are moving at snail's pace - the theme had just been confirmed last week, one completely different from the church's and we're expected to do 2 dramas, each within a span of a week. Dave had told me before that we should do a big drama and use it as many times as possible but Amy seems to be over-ambitious, wanting to do two despite her incessant complaints about being busy. Can she manage? Can we manage in the first place? I don't know.

This month has been really trying for me. I'm disappointed with YF; I've seen the superficiality, I've seen people doing things for self-gratification, I've seen TM grow in numbers, but somehow or another, have we grown in God?

I don't know.

Enough of this melancholy.

On the bright side, my CG celebrated my birthday today and for once, after a period of 6 years, I have a birthday cake! Thanks to them who remembered. Love them so much - they've been the ones who have brought me back to TM time and again and we're growing in the Lord together. A few people came to say Happy Birthday to me - a situation that is completely different from that of last year - my birthday had fallen on Saturday and not a single person remembered. Twas' was a day where I cried in my heart, alone. Turning 18 this year isn't so bad after all.

Went to the exact same hawker centre to eat the exact same thing as last year, this time without mom as she's at the other end of the globe in US on a business trip. This time however, I toppled over my cup of tea while trying to get my lil bro to eat his prawns. Felt so embarassed. Currently sitting in my tea soaked pants typing this out.

I'm spending the last day of my 18th year brooding over drama, feeling sick of it and wanting out. What a way to end the year.

ARgh.

"Welcome To My Life"

"Welcome To My Life"

Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of place?

Like somehow you just don't belong

And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna runaway?

Do you lock yourself in your room?

With the radio on turned up so loud

That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels all right

You don't know what it's like

To be like me

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

With no one there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?

Are you sick of feeling so left out?

Are you desparate to find something more?

Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?

Are you sick of everyone around?

With their big fake smiles and stupid lies

While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels all right

You don't know what it's like

To be like me

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

With no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face

No one ever stabbed you in the back

You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay

Everybody always gave you what you wanted

Never had to work it was always there

You don't know what it's like what it's like

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

With no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like, what it's like [x2]

Welcome to my life [x3]

"Great Sexual Scandals"

That's the title of the book my friends gave me as a birthday present; which features a Queen and her sexual encounters with a bull in the first chapter. Interesting eh? I'm not too sure of what to make of it - it borders the lines of hardcore porn yet seemingly has an underlying meaning to it. Ah, literature - my type.

Okay, I'm counting down the days of my 17th year, which will end on the very day SQ006 slammed into some construction equipment on a runway in Taiwan and burst into flames. 4 years on, I can still remember that very morning on November 1st when Dad told me the unbelievable news of the crash which forever put a blemish to a once sparkling track record. I guess no one is perfect these days.

Woke up at 6.00am this morning due to a sharp pain in my stomach and I knew I had to go to the toilet. I think it was something I ate yesterday - the wanton mee at Ghim Moh, a stall which I swear I will never patronise again. Shouldn't have made an order knowing that the auntie was washing dishes before she attended to me. YUCK. It wasn't a pretty sight in the toilet - I was in so much pain, I felt "hot flashes" shooting up to my head and yet I wasn't running a fever. It seemed as though the purple solid used in the chem prac yesterday was being mixed with the conc. HCl in my stomach, an exothermic reaction accompanied by the evolution of an oh so acidic gas - CO2 slowly eating through my alimentary canal. I was so drained and my body was in chaos. I felt like vomitting, yet on the other hand, I was feeding the toilet bowl. Everything seemed to be working in opposite directions - a case of severe disequilibrium? By the end of it, I took a look at myself in the mirror and realised how bad I looked- white as sheet, Ju-On style. Stumbled on to the kitchen and requested my maid to give me some hot water, which she added salt to since my stomach was so bad. Drank a sip and slumped into bed, exhausted from the whole episode. That's more draining than ____. Fill in the blanks (I shall leave it up to one's imagination and one's impression of me). Lucky for me, it was a one time affair.

Yesterday's chem pratical wasn't a dream. It was a pseudonightmare that lasted for 2hrs and 30 mins. Confident was I as I walked into the lab, Confused and Chastised (for my overconfidence) was I as I walked out of it. Cambridge's getting smarter. Darn those people.

At night, it was catching up with a junior of mine who was choosing his S-papers while I watching OC. Singapore Idol was okay, though it's starting to fade away as part of my life. Liberaty, Freedom!

I shall try to mug as much as possible today so I can enjoy the next few days.

Today's acronym:

PUSH - Pray Until Something Happens

Another mugging day...

Dragged myself out of bed this morning in a bid to readjust my biological clock. Woke up to find myself struggling to stay awake as I had my daily dose of the morning news for 1 freaking hour. Ha, I read a lot, yar right.



Spent the morning doing kinetics and reading through the design practicals to prepare myself for the big day tomorrow ie Chem prac after which I met up with Melv for a consultation session :P. Gave him a crash course on QA which lasted for 2 WHOLE hours but that proved quite effective - he was at the level of being able to predict the ions without doing the experiement *wide mouth*.



After that, we went for a break at Hougang and had Macs - he ordered a burger Big Tasty something (can't remember) and took out most of the tomatoes and onions, which triggered me to question his rationale behind paying so much instead of settling for the cheaper alternative, which was the double cheese burger which only had pickles. Consumer rationality anyone? Argh, prelims econs s question.



So now, we're both online testing each other for the final time, actually just one way, while I relish in spending my remaining time awake slacking. Life's good. But yes, I don't feel the As coming yet (pun intended). Because

1. I haven't been able to bring myself to study for it so i doubt I'll be able to get the As
2. It just doesn't feel like the A Levels yet

Sigh, this is sad. I'll be spending the remaining few days of my 17th year mugging again, which has been the case for quite a years.

Anyway, pray hard that I'll be able to GUESS THE ION correctly and get my design pracs done. AND PRAY FOR ENOUGH TIME. I'll just say: I've God the Lord on my side, on my side 2 3 4 yeah yeah.

Wish me luck! reply: Good Luck Winston...lalala

Mugging day...with Isabelle, Kenneth and Yaxin

Just came back from Isabelle's house after a long day of mugging which laster from 1 to about 10. Mugging's good but nothing beats mugging with friends and let's not forget Paprika, whom I met for the first time. He's this cute black and white dog who's really friendly and enjoys my massages - I feel so appreciated!

At about 3.30, we had a break and headed to an ice-cream shop (which I don't really know the name...Geletaire?) The ice-cream there wasn't too bad, just that quality comes with a price ie a whooping 2.80 for a cup of homemade ice-cream. There, Isabelle, Kenneth, Yaxin and me had a great time chatting. After a few seconds of mindless chatter, the conversation shifted its focus to the state of YF and all 3 of us, I K and me were just bitching about the state of the ministries there. We all seem to be tired of serving, desperate to just leave and give it all up but all of us face a dilemmna in that we have a responsibility to voice our concerns over the state of yf.

Anyway, I was shocked to hear that Dave is starting to let go of YF, for Shukun to take over. I'm apprehensive considering the fact that I feel that the leaders, the maturity etc. of YF still has some way to go and a lack of clear direction and good leadership would turn YF into a crumbled mess.

Along the way back, we stopped by a pet shop which had an oversize black poodle. It was real big and looked as though it had been artificially engineered with pig growth hormones (bio overdose here). After that, on our way back, all of us continued to bitch, I mean, give our feedback and views on YF and SOME of its people.

No doubt, YF has so much potential. HOWEVER, the most important thing should be for us to consolidate our ministries and get to work on "restructuring" - not just in the way we do things, but also in terms of the spiritual aspects. YF has grown in numbers, we're using the sanctuary now, but are we growing as a youth fellowship in God? I have a good mind to give it a good scolding since no one is willing to address the issues that we all know about and yet keep in under wraps in fear of offending others. Brothers and sisters in Christ should be encouraging but at the same time all of us have a responsibility in rebuking each other when we are not going in the wrong direction.

Why is TM falling apart when Dave's not around? That's the question. Shouldn't it be self-sustaining and self-supporting? i guess it's an indictation of where we stand thus far...

Anyway, Dad came to fetch me from Isabelle's to my upmost surprise and I appreciate that kind gesture. We had a nice talk about the church etc. and to some extent, I've learnt that God put Dad in Riverlife for some period of time for a purpose, and that has led to changes in my life, in the way I look at things etc.

So I guess there's a part for me to play, as someone who isn't really close to YF and thus having the ability to see things from a third party perspective. However, he did point out one thing. That we should give others a chance to serve - if they're not suited for it, eventually, they'll just step aside. Maybe it's a dynamic equilibrium, or maybe it's like free market forces, in which everything just tends towards equilibrium.

Ah, the workings of God.

and an overdose of mugging.

2 am.

2 am, monday morning.

i can't sleep, and don't really feel like sleeping. My thermodynamics notes are right in front of me as I type this. Have spent the last hour or so reading other people's blog and realised everyone's enjoying themselves. There's tons of things that go on in people's lives and it just brings out the wonder of God: chaos with a purpose, God's plan working in action.

Typed out a long message or should I say comment on Mich's blog in response to someone else's. I may have been rather direct but I guess I feel the need to do so. YF is going a tad bit crazy and disoriented. Have we forgot God in the midst of our business or in our quest for personal glory? I have been brooding over this question for the past two days, especially after yf on Saturday. I'm actually in no position to condemn or to criticise so I shall reserve all my comments and thoughts that I have about others. However, I must point out one issue to all: Service should be about God, not about self. Personal glory? Is that the distraction that's keeping us from whole heartedly serving God?

I think I need to voice my opinions to Dave when he comes back.

at the same time, I think I need to go to sleep.

and mug tomorrow.

A Practical Joke

My A-levels have started! Okay, forget the big hoo-haa, it's just the pracs.

Anyway, I tried to sleep at 10 yesterday but was unsuccesful in falling into dreamland no thanks to

1. My Biological Clock
2. My lil bro and mom watching Indiana Jones: The Lost Temple, together with additional sound effects like oh no, haha, goodness and commentory (One thing they have in common is that they think they're the scriptwriters, so they try to predict everything that's going to happen ...)
3. Things running through my head - from enlisting into the Army, to just plain freaking out
4. The mosquito in my room, which was eventually squahsed by my bro when he plunged into bed (and he's THAT heavy)

Okay, the practical wasn't too good, wasn't too bad. I followed instructions but got a weird graph, which, i don't really know whether I'm right or wrong. When asked to plot this against this, it's y-axis first followed by x-axis. So why did everyone invert it?

CAMBRIDGE. (Though i have to admit the photosynthesis experiment was good ie. well set)

Things I did during the prac:

1. Draw a kidney (I spotted correctly!)
2. Measure the seeds of 30 rice grains using graph paper, which was disgusting
3. Tremble when I was attempting to do so
4. Spilling the cup containing ice which had my DCPIP and buffer solutions
5. and Attempting to salvage whatever piece of cold solids that I could find on my table

So yes, my last and final Bio prac. Rejoice. PTL. But I think I screwed it up

OH WELL.

Headaches & Pain

I've started the scramble to apply for university, just the way I like my eggs.

It's a tough choice but I'm trying very hard to balance A-level revision as well the hectic schedule of trying to get all my university applications ready for the teachers to write my references. It seems like my parents aren't really supportive of my decision to go overseas, a stark contrast from the Hoo-haa that used to shroud conversations of my future education.

I'm feeling alone, without assurance, nothing. My mom seems to be against my desire to do economics, and my suggestion, what I feel I'm interested in - business economics, seems to be too shallow for her to swallow. "You'll be the average person, you won't go far...", I wonder how does she know since she's only got her A-level certificate. I don't understand my parents - they want me to apply to universities that they've heard of, Harvard, Yale, Stanford etc. those names that they are familiar with, derived from the news, the papers, by word of mouth. I don't know what to say, but hey, I guess I'm also clueless aside from the fact that I get more information from the personal research I do myself.

I discussed my plans with my mom just now. As usual, her question to me was, " What do you see yourself as in the future?" Well, I see myself as someone leading a large organisation, a bank, or a group of highly effective people. It's a dream, but I think I've got the guts and the drive to go all the way. Yet she seems oblivious to my desire to want to go abroad for reasons which I just cannot figure out.

The reason why I feel left alone is because this is the first time I don't feel that my parents are supporting me. THIS IS A MAJOR TURNING POINT, A MAJOR DECISION in my life and yet I don't seem to be getting their blessings. I've been doing things a lot on my own, the decisions I've made so far have been personal, but I have to admit I did get the support of my parents. It means quite a lot to me and yet at the most crucial part of my life, it doesn't seem so.

Mom reiterated her stand that she will not pay for me to go overseas. I don't know what to say about that. On one hand, she keeps telling my sis that she's willing to support her overseas and yet she's unwilling to lend me financial support - I just don't get it. I'm so sick of all the expectations, I'm so sick of everyone expecting me to get a scholarship. And why I'm expected to get a scholarship? Well, so that my family can afford to let my sis to go overseas. I don't know what to say. I'm feeling disgusted yet at the same time, so left alone to this world. I never felt this way and it's taking an emotional toll on me. I just don't express it vocally and everyone thinks that hey, I'm on the top of the world, a high flier, a Rafflesian so hey, scholarships abound, opportunities come knocking on your door etc...WTF.

Anyway, it's about two weeks before I turn 18, and I'm so glad that I'm able to spend the last two weeks of my 17th year cringing and wrenching under the emotional burden that I'm carrying. Does turning 18 mean independence? Does turning 18 mean that you don't need your parents anymore? I can't figure that out at the moment. But meanwhile, I'm trying to get my drive back, to study, to do work, to pursue whatever I want. I'm alone now. It's all about me. I don't care what it takes now, if no one is going to support me, then I'll do it myself. I've had enough. I want to be independent. Mom, I don't need your money. I don't need it. I'll depend on the bloody scholarships that's been paying for my education my entire life. I don't need that F*cking shit from anyone at all. You want to treat me this way, this is how I'll get back at you. I'll do it and when I do make it, don't come telling me that I owe you anything, cos I will remember the day you told sis to go overseas to study and how you'll pay for her. I guess I'm the high flying son that means so much to you right? Whatever. Don't boast about me, cos I don't owe you nothin. Nothing at all.

Food Galore

Just came back from Country Manna, restaurant owned by Uncle Kim Kah. Had the Best of two worlds which included half a spring chicken plus a slab of ribs, chicken soup, hot chocolate and chocolate carousel, now how's that for dinner...

Yesterday, after farewell assembly, had to tear myself away from my dear class and head to Paramount Hotel to have dinner with my Uncle Charlie, who had just returned from Australia. Spent $12 on the cab fare there, but it was a good trade off, given that it was a buffet style, sit-down all you can eat dinner which costs a WHOPPING $33.00 a person...ouch...

Was telling Esther about what I was having, compared to the cheap KFC that the school had provided and it was fun making her gek because she just LOVES food...

While the rest of my class went to feast their eyes on Sky Captain, here's a list of what I ate/drank/savoured:

1. Buddha Jump Over the Wall
2. Roast Pork
3. Sashimi and Sushi
4. Deep Fried Fish in Sauce
5. Fresh Steamed Prawns
6. Ostrich Meat
7. Black Pepper Meat
8. Sweet and Sour Pork
9. Pigeon Soup in Bamboo
10. Steamed Prawns in Egg
11. Crispy Beancurd Skin
12. More Ostrich Meat
13. More Deep Fried Fish in Sauce
14. Spicy Salmon Fried Rice
15. 2 Servings of Vanilla Ice-cream
16. Honeydew Sago with Coconut

Great Food, Great Service...what more can I ask for?

Farewell Assembly

Okay, I've got my first complaint - my blog is too wordy so I shall try to keep it short...

Farewell assembly: 15 October, 5.30pm

Well, arrived at school at about 1 for Econs S post mortem which was what I expected - a smiley face, and sat through about 3 hours listening to Sowden, halfway which I started doing my Maths TYS.

4.15/4.30:

Mrs Toh came in for our LAST civics lesson, where I got back my prelim results slip, a dismal ABCCUUB3 argh...and some nice comments which kinda implied that I "had the potential to do better". She sang a farewell song for us (cos she couldn't find the CD), which I must say was quite good and I managed to catch it on video. This triggered a free flow of tears, source: the girls. I almost joined in but I held back - the last time I cried was in primary school when I started saying goodbye to the tables and chairs.

5.00:

The assembly was about to start and Alina and i just sat down for awhile (she wanted me to sit with her) and we talked about how nice it was for Mrs Toh to sing us a song. Al felt guilty about how our class had treated her so badly in J2 and how everything now was over - let bygones be bygones was my reply, followed by a period of silence that sent us down memory lane...sighz. Went to get my cam when I met Ms Chia, yes, My dearest Ms Chia, who thanked me for my teacher's day gift, a precious moment letter C and ginger biscuits. She was asking me why I bought her such an expensive gift (she derived the cost from the brand) and I told her it wasn't really that ex. And yes, she mentioned the ginger biscuits, which I believe made her rather happy. It was a great way to end of our partnership, chairman and teacher-in-charge, though my class always misconstrues it as a relationship...argh...

5.10:

Ceremony starts, i get my Cert of Merit for being Chairman, go off stage. Ceremony ends. Nothing else to say.

7.00 Batch phototaking!

7.15 Dinner time

Me and my vice chair, Zhi en 

Class Photos, one of the most complete one Absent: Esther and Boon Kwan 

Ben, Me, ZW 

Me and Sharon 

KP and Esther...check out the food in his mouth 

ZW, SY, Jason and Me 

Me, Boon Seer, Meh Meh 

Me & Esther (ah tun), gourmet partners, always talking about food 

ZY came in as a third party...what can I say, he was jealous :P 

Me and Meh meh, notice his cleavage :P Girls, stop drooling 

5 of us... 

Me and Crystal, our shen mugger whom we can never beat ... wang chen muo ji 

Finally, Me and Jas 

Loneliness

Just came back from another day of mugging.

I haven't updated in years and I have a lot to say.

But can't seem to put it in words.

The past few days have been rather unproductive and yes, the A's are just around the corner so maybe I should start panicking. Have been feeling rather pissed with the Christmas drama committee for delaying with coming up with a theme since the drama team had already started on writing the script. I remember clearly having been given the theme of the Father's heart but apparently, this wasn't so. But yes, I am pissed by the fact that they just confirmed the bloody theme and we, the drama team have to come up with another bloody script. I think the church thinks that the DRAMA TEAM is a SCRIPT CHURNING MACHINE that works 24hrs a day, at their beck and call, ready to produce something that will excite and liven up the church or come up with something that will fit into the slot which they have planned for a drama. NO! PEOPLE NO! We have our lives to live and though we're a service ministry, please note the fact that everything should be done with proper planning and not last minute notices. HOW DO YOU EXPECT US TO WRITE A SCRIPT IN A FEW DAYS, A FULL LENGTH MUSICAL? IF IT'S SO EASY, GO DO IT YOURSELF YOU F*CKING PEOPLE. WE HAVE OUR EXAMS ROUND THE CORNER AND YOU TELL US THAT YOU WANT TO DO A MUSICAL OR A HALF AN HOUR DRAMA AT YOUR WHIMSE AND FANCY! GO TO HELL. GO TO IT YOURSELF. GO GO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I shouldn't be so worked up. Yes, I shouldn't. Calm down Winston, calm down. I'm just fed-up with the way we're treated. Maybe God is trying to teach me something here, to be humble, to be able to serve but don't you think things are getting out of hand? It's rather discouraging. The leaders are really busy and tied up at the moment, please don't add additional pressure to us. We are all servants of the Lord so understand our predicament will ya? People.

__________________________________________________

It was an interesting night last night with a conversation with a friend that turned out very personal. I shared a very personal secret with the person and I guess it was a risk I took in trying to develop a closer relationship. At times, we have to be open, we have to take risks and invest in relationships. Sharing a personal secret I guess is one way of allowing the person to get to know you better. It was a 4 hr long online conversation so you can imagine how long the whole conversation log was.

Overheard a conversation between my mom and my sis on going overseas to study. Her boss had asked her whether my sis was still interested in studying veterinary science. Mom said she was willing to send her overseas if she decided to take up such a course.

I'm was pissed. I mean, my parents say they can't afford to send me overseas and that I have to get a scholarship for myself. On the other hand, why does she get the priviledge of going overseas? I don't get it. I work my ass off. I do much better in school and yet, is this what I call support?

I walked into the hall and went "Oh, you can afford to let her go overseas while I have to get a scholarship" and my mom replied," both of you can go to the same school and take care of each other".

I analysed the situation and have reasoned out two ways to look at it.

One: That I'm good enough to get a scholarship, so my parents want me to work hard so they can afford to send my sis overseas.

Two: They're just plain biased and the work that I've put in over the past f*cking 18 years is all just on paper and meaningless to them.

Which one should I adopt?

__________________________________________________

Today, I went for this workshop conducted by the school on how to deal with scholarship interviews, it was rather informative but I've kinda got the knowledge on how to handle interviews.

Received a postcard from Mindef wishing me all the best for my A-levels. How nice, they're sucking up to me :P. I shall add it to my Isetan paper bag which contains all the cards and nice stuff that people have written to me. I treasure them. They're my memories and it's these things that tell you that you have made a difference in some people's lives or words of encouragement that people have written to cheer you up. But those things can also remind you of transient relationships, that were superficial. This particular card brings back memories of the person who brought me back to YF but have chosen to ignore me completely once I came back. Was it all a show? A big scam? A way to bring me back and leave me alone again

Anyway, it seems like everytime I come home from school, walking through the NEL station, heading towards the queue for 112, I seem to have a lot on my mind. It's the time I'm often alone, an irony, since the bus terminal is never empty. It's that point of time when I feel really alone and my mind starts to think about all sorts of nonsense. It is the most depressing part of the day because the loneliness just drives me nuts. I start wallowing in self-pity, feeling that I'm the most unloved person on earth. I don't understand why but it's just the period of time when everything and anything depressing starts flooding my mind.

Maybe it's the A-levels, the recent events, the season of spring that flourished during the 40 days of purpose. It did help me, it did reveal to me a lot of things but after I've weathered the storm, it seems as though another problem is awaiting me, this time even more unsurmountable. Why I've been so emotional this past month, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm turning 18 soon and I'm reflecting on my life so far. But today, and even the past few days, I've been feeling down, maybe disappointed by the fact that my mom is flying off again and won't be around for my birthday. Hmmm... that's the second year running. I keep telling myself it's okay, anyway no one celebrates it and stuff, but NO, it's not okay. The past few days, I've been brooding over whether someone will celebrate my birthday. Let's just say, I feed off others. I'm a person who finds self-worth in those around me. I enjoy being and feeling special. It's my way of feeling loved. Turning 18 is one of the turning points in my life I guess. To me, it seems rather significant. Or maybe, it seems significant because of the fact that I'm hoping for someone to celebrate it with me.

To deviate: What have I done so far in my quest to search for love and acceptance? Well, I think I've done it by working my bloody ass off and bringing in the results that my parents can boast about. Going into RI, moving on to RJC, these are some of things that I've been doing to get the attention of others and to some extent my parents. All my life, it has been about doing well in exams, winning medals in competitions and so on, that gives me a certain sense of self-worth. All my life working for something that I desired so much, not for myself, but for others. Isn't that sad? My extended family doesn't quite care, especially my mom's side since yar, all they bother is to fawn over their beloved first grandson with that surname. As an "outsider", I'm second best no matter what I do, how I fare. I realised that I've been working so hard to make a mark in that family of mine. How sad can that be?! Haven't I wasted my entire life?!

I dare not keep my hopes too high. By writing in this bloody blog, it's like telling the whole world to come celebrate my birthday. But I don't care about being accused of trying to do so. I'm sharing with the world my innermost world, the one which revolves inside me. I've never felt special, at least for the past 3-4 years, cos I guess no one has really made me feel special on my special day. I think the reason why I've been mulling over this things over the past few days is because I prefer wallowing in self-pity, preparing myself for the worst, for being disappointed, for being alone, picturing myself on the day I quietly turn 18. How many times have I been disappointed! And each year, it sucks just putting on a brave front, telling myself that I'm one year older, telling myself to be happy with what I've got, and telling myself that someone does love me. I don't want to be disappointed again. I don't want to end up crying on that day, my heart weeping uncontrollably, watching every single person walk past me and not knowing that I'm there. It's heart wrenching to see people receiving presents on their birthday, special messages and stuff. It's disgusting. I'm disgusted because I'm so jealous. How much I long for such attention!!!!

Last year, my birthday fell on a Saturday, a day for YF. I went to it, with a small hope that someone remembered that hey, I'm 17 today. I realised that my name wasn't on the birthday list, i realised no one remembered and I had to thicken my skin to go forward and say hey, it's my birthday. I clearly remember Shukun saying things like "you sure it's your birthday?" Sighz. It was really sad, I felt really bad, I felt so hurt and yar, it's on such special days that it hurts the most. The world didn't stop turning; the world didn't rejoice; but I was hoping to share the moment with those around me - and it ended up with just ME, telling myself Happy Birthday, I'm 17 and life just sucks.

I don't dare to put much hope into feeling special. Haven't at least in the past few years and never quite received a birthday present from a friend apart from the usual extra cash that comes from my parents. But I felt comforted by the one or two smses that were sent to me on that day, last year and it did help a little in giving me that little streak of happiness, that at least someone, someone, rejoices with me having lived on planet earth for 17 years. So here I am again, with 3 weeks to go, hating and yet looking forward to that damned day, that bloody day when I came out of my mother's womb 18 years ago with mixed feelings. Don't dare to put myself on the line again. Don't want to. Don't want to look forward to something and be disappointed. Maybe this year, I'll just get myself intoxicated, go to the graves of those who died in the SQ 006 crash and celebrate another year of birth and death.

Hospital Visit - Another Emotional Rollercoaster Ride

Today was the very last day, the official day of school and guess what, I ponned it!!!!! Yes, I broke my own record of ponning school! Well done Winston! I woke up at about 9.30 which wasn't too bad but the nice morning air was choked up with pesticide fumes from the the "smoking" out of mosquitoes over at the opposite condo. Sighz, what a great way to start the morning - breathing in chemicals that clog up our lungs with mucus. I'm so going to die young. Feeling much better as compared to yesterday's PMS mode. Enjoyed watching Singapore Idol last night and doing maths at the same time :P. Anyway, tonight, i hope Jerry gets kicked out. He looked like a clown singning rock and roll yesterday but David Yeo did the same too. So it was funny faces galore! Daphne looked damn hot and Leandra just rocked!

Spent an hour reading the papers, as I usually do followed by doing Econs revision. Got to get back to the A-level frame of mind, my essays sucked because I adopted an Econs S style which meant no diagrams....ARGH! Wrong move for prelims man. So, there I was going over production and costs when Dad suggested that we go and visit grandma. Anyway, since i took the day off, might as well right? So yar, we had lunch together before heading to the hospital.

Pastor Cheng was there when we arrived - for the purpose of visiting grandma and following up with her. I didn't really expect the hospital visit to be so emotional for me but it was and I saw a lot of things that triggered many weird emotions - oh no, I'm becoming a Beverly! As I was watching Pastor Cheng tell grandma more about God, praying for her and teaching her some songs, it was a great scene of delight. As I looked on, I just thanked God for what He had done and it was just amazing standing there and giving Him all the glory and praise. When Pastor Cheng was praying, grandma even went on to saying gan xie shen, or thank you God. It was very encouraging and amazing and all glory goes to God. Never in my life did I expect grandma to accept Christ! I'm happy because I know God will do something in my Dad's (extended) family.

I was looking around the place. It was rather morbid as i saw a hospital bed with an old woman being wheeled out. I thought she was dead caused she definitely looked like it but later found out she wasn't when she tried to climb out of bed. Apparently, she had done that a few times so the nurses had no other choice but to tie her down. Poor old lady. There were many old people, I guess it was an old people's ward and it was rather sad to see so many of them looking as though they came from a third world country. Most of them just looked as though they were waiting to die, just sleeping, just looking forward to seeing their loved ones. Cuddled up in a corner of the bed, sunken skin, toothless wide open mouths, it just wasn't a really nice sight. But the saddess thing was that how many didn't know Christ? I felt that there was so much to do, so little time left and yet felt that I couldn't do anything. I pitied them, I sympathised with them. Not just because they were alone, not just because they had found no meaning in life, but also because of the fact that they were soon going to die and not be able to meet with our dear heavenly Father, their souls separated from Him for eternity. That's an awful thought. It really is.

I felt like crying. It was sad and everyone there seemed abandoned, except for Grandma who seemed much happier and at peace with herself. God changes lives and i guess she's experiencing the peace and joy that God has given her - that really puts a smile on my face. The doctors said she might be able to go home, which I am happy about, but I wish she could keep the hospital gown, she looked good in pink :P. Anyway, despite the whole episode of us getting all sad and worried that she was going to pass on, I'm glad that God used it to tell us that it was important to start evangelising to her. God works wonders and it was His way of pushing us to get down to do something before time runs out. Pastor Cheng was teaching grandma how to sing some Christian songs and promised to bring some of the older folks to her house to sing with her once she gets discharged. I'm glad that she wouldn't really have to sit alone at home all day and rot but I hope it will bring joy to her and bring meaning to the last few years of her golden age. At least she won't regret the life that she has lived.

Dad was talking to the daughter of the old lady next to grandma. She was 92 and her daughter was saying that she quit her job just to take care of her. She said that she believed in Jesus just that she had not accepted, believing in the fact the Jesus is a God, albeit among the many "up there". Sad, but i guess there's the chance of sharing the gospel with her. She said life had no meaning to it, working, eating, going to sleep, repeating the same cycle and so on, adding that she felt the burden of taking care of her mother since her sisters didn't quite care. Well, I was tempted to say that with God in your life, there is a meaning - To live for Him, to carry out His plan and to develop a relationship with a Father that loves us so much, so very very much, that He sacrificed everything for us.

My Da Ma who was there said that I had slimmed down and asked about my results. I said I didn't fail any subjects and she said that was good. She advised me not to aim too high so that i wouldn't subject myself to additional stress but As are around the corner and I think it's time to get back to my game. If God wants to do something that is in His plan, I have to put in my effort as well.

I think I got a bit of inspiration for the Christmas drama while looking at those people around me, trying to further develop the idea that Michelle has, maybe to further develop the characters, but at this stage, I'm still praying, praying, praying for inspiration and the plan God has. "Seek him first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness" So yar, "we can do all things through God who gives us strength" - I have to depend on Him and His will, not mine. Christmas will be an opportunity to touch lives so let my creative juices flow, aided by the strength that God gives me.

Well, I kinda pondered about my gifts over the past few days, especially teaching. i don't know whether I have a gift of teaching but many people have said so. Previously, some of my friends said that I'm a good teacher while my CG agreed on that during yf last Saturday. Freaky don't you think and even in the drama that I did recently on Ministry, the character that I picked had the gift of teaching. Coincidence? Freaky, but God works and does things in very weird ways right God? Ways you will never expect and even when everything seems wrong, things just fall into its place. Amazing.

Anyway, got to get back to my revision. *chants Mugging is my hobby Mugging is my hobby Mugging is my hobby PSYCHE UP!!!

pissed off...

Don't know what happened to me today but boy was I pissed off. Yesterday night was bad, so bad. My mom wasn't encouraging at all, no one was and it really sucks. It's not as if i don't want to get good grades, I tried my best, i went all the way but circumstances just didn't allow me to score well. So here I am trying to nurse this broken soul from its disappointments and sadness and there someone else just adds to it. It's a horrible feeling and Damn it, I pissed with everyone.

Give me a break. I want good results. i had expectations and I've gone beyond what I could do. I studied, 12 hrs a day and did anyone bother? Did anyone ask me how I was? Did anyone understand what i was going through? The examination schedule was so tight, I was mugging my best till I turned green (my mom can testify to that) but why doesn't anyone understand that it's not that simple to get AAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They could jolly well go take the papers themselves if they think it's that easy! you think Bio's so easy, Maths S? So what!!! I'm taking the papers and don't give me the crap that my results suck if you aren't able to achieve that! What the HELL!!!!!!! pissed pissed pissed pissed pissed.

It hurts. it really does when all you get is someone harping on you, telling you that oh, you can't get a scholarship anymore... Damn it you people, it's not as though you can't send me overseas! We are financially able to so don't give me that crap... Let me tell you, I'm going to get a scholarship and make it on my own. I don't need you people, you horrible people who just know how to say and don't understand what I'm going through!!!!!!

@Z@$#$#!%&^*(^(%*%()&(^&(%*()&(^&*)%(%#$@$^#&*^%*()%^*($^$@#&*T()^()_*+_*()^^&$#^%#@$@*^()^&*^$#%$!^%$)&_*)%$$#()&*)%^$%*()*)_&*#%$(^_)&*(E@$#!$&(*%$&%@&%%&%#I%R&%#@^$E*&#&**(&(&)_&+_)+*_^&)(^%%# R#@~@^&^+)(_()^*($^$Q#$#^%^*(^)_&)_^)&)(_*)%*(O{&I$#^@$#~!$#E&BOR^%!@$#T)$Y~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Piss off!!!!

I kinda burst out at someone today who has been getting on my nerves for a long time. I've endured him for the past two years and sometimes such people just get you when you're so damn bloody pissed. I wasn't really in a good mood today and last night's events almost drove me to spilling out things that you wouldn't want to hear. Enough is enough. "Other JCs are catching up with RJ" "Your son got ABCC" "Oh, he can't apply for scholarship then" (repeat again and again) And no thanks to my sis, everything was made worst when I refused to give her a two dollar note. Whatever BITCH!

I hate his attitude, he's spoilt, he has no respect for others and he does nothing but irritate the hell out of me. GrowUP!!!! He knocked me on the head with his file for no apparent reason, flicked my hair in the morning, acted like a fool so finally, enough is enough. i said f*CK OFF you bitch. I don't really care about him anymore, I don't want to. I've had enough and I must say, my patience so far is wearing thin.

My patience is really wearing thin. From enduring people in drama like Nicole and the shit the girls give me to bitchy friends, I've had enough. Enough. Get away from me you people!!! Go away!!!!

I was on the verge of tears as I sat on the bus. Hormones thrashing through my narrow blood veins, my head in a whirl of emotions, my heart hurting from whatever that's happening around me.

i'm tired. So tired. Very tired. I've got the big As and I'm not getting any encouragement. My grades have been a great blow to me and I just don't know how to deal with them. It sucks so much. My passion for my ministry is drying up, I'm fed up with certain people and i behave like a hypocrite in front of those people that I don't really like - i've practically taken and endured everything that has been thrown at me so far and I'm so tired. So tired. Will someone please give me a break? No more scripts to write, no more shoes to fill, no more worries no more this no more that..................................

Scraped

Ok, it's officially an ABCC for me. I'm not proud of it. I scraped it. Fine. Laugh. It sucks. My parents say so. It sucks. I regret. I regret falling sick during the prelims. Argh.

Told my mom about my results which didn't help to soften the blow. I feel terrible enough to get such disgusting grades but I know I should let go. In fact, I should be very happy for God's providence given that I fell sick during the prelims and I thought I was going to do really badly. It's just so hard to be content given the fact that I studied so hard and I wasn't able to perform on the day itself. It's not due to the fact that i didn't study hard enough, but that I pushed myself so hard that I fell sick. Now that's sick.

Getting back results

It was back to school again, this time for the worst. We had a long break in the morning since it was PE which meant that is was a free period and a useless Bio practical that never took place. So instead of having breakfast, Alina suggested that we got up to the library and mug for SAT IIs. I did the Maths IIc and got a 760, which sucks because I made so many careless mistakes.

Anyway, we were scheduled to meet at about 9.50 to get back our papers. I started freaking out again and Benjamin was saying that I looked really dazed and pale. I was getting really stressed out after that as I wasn't mentally prepared to get back my Chem results, and I never will. My hands were really cold and clamy and goodness me, I felt every bit of glucose in my body being sapped by the excessive adrenalin that was pumping through my bloodstream. I prayed to God to give me strength and to just accept my results and praise Him whatever happens and He gave me some comfort.

We headed to Room 1-1 and Mrs Toh (Civics Tutor) went through admin stuff to the dismay of some who desperately wanted their papers back (NOT ME!). After that it was chem. First was the prac. Sh*t, I'm gonna screw up. I screwed up the QA part of it, and I knew things wouldn't go well. However, to my very surprise, I managed to get an A for it!!! Thank God! The rest of the section kinda pulled me up, 23/25 for VA, that rocks man! Then I got back paper 3, the one that i thought I would fail... and guess what, I passed!!! Even managed to get an additional half a mark!!! P2 was screwed up cos I was sick on that day but P1 was a surprised, managed to squeeze in top 4, getting 21 out of 40 haha...I tikamed a lot, and half my OMR sheet was shaded B so I guess I was lucky this time... So God blessed me this time with a good Chem paper. I'm quite astonished by my results and i know studying hard has paid off. Could have done better if i wasn't sick but I just praise the Lord for this...

I kinda got yaya about it since i managed to be top 7 in class. So i told the Lord to stop me from getting proud, again. I always have to learn the hard way... Bio and Econs wasn't good. In fact, I'm very disappointed with econs... my essays screwed up and I got my first single digit score for my essay in my econs career at RJ no thanks to Elaine Wong...sigh, my best subject becomes my worst nightmare... ARGH!!! But, yes, God says to praise Him no matter what comes my way. I guess my predicted grades wouldn't be that bad, I've always been doing well for econs... oops, there I go again.

Ok, I must not look back and concentrate again. I must start mugging again and preparing myself for the real battle. Come On Winston, Do it for God!!! Must start the revision process again, this time focussing on practicing my TYS. Must finish them twice over...

You Go Boy

Mug mug mug... anyway, SAT IIs this Sat...ARGH!!!!!

And to Chun Wee, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

( I know he can't see this but oh well, I've wished him already...)

What a Sunday...

Woke up at 7.00. No, I should say, dragged myself up at 7.00, and slept a bit more, and a bit more...until 7.15, the time i was supposed to leave for church. I was delayed by choosing what I should wear on stage cos i just couldn't figure out what a 25-30 yr old man should wear... come on, I'm 17, going on 18, don't expect me to dress so old! So yar, i spent a lot of time trying to find figure out what to wear. Settled on a pink shirt and black pants, called Amy who was strongly against it and went straight to church.

Arrived close to half and hour late. i was about to enter church when Amy called and hurried me. Got our mikes and everything done up and went to the back to get make-up done. Amy tried to force me to put on lipstick which I flatly refused. I had an ulcer and didn't want to worsen it...anyway, who in the right frame of mind would want to put petroleum jelly on their lips...yuck. So I think Amy was quite pissed at me being so obstinate, but who cares, i have my OWN RIGHTS.

The skit went well, getting a better response from the first service in terms of laughs. But i got suaned in the second service when pastor William challenged me to swap my gift with his... no way I'm gonna preach so i shaked my head furiously to the amusement of the congregation.

Spent my time in between helping out at setting up some of the stalls for the ministry fair since i was quite bored. Talked to Shukun about the Christmas play and told him my idea. We have yet to settle on it and start writing but we have to get it out, definitely by mid-October, as suggested by our very dear drama leader's boyfriend...

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's going to be hard but I guess we could do all things through God who gives us strength. I will be praying about it, really hard, to seek God's will and direction. They want a big drama, but is that what God wants? I'll have to find out and really pray about it.

Okay, it's been a long day I'm going stop here. I need enough rest to recharge myself for the adrenalin pumping and energy draining day tomorrow as I get back my results. i was really scared just now, getting all nervous about whether I'll do well, or badly, but I prayed and talked to God about it and the worries eventually disappeared. Talk about the POWER OF GOD!!!! But yar, I'm beginning to trust in Him more, hopefully. i don't regret doing PDL and Dave commented that i was more at peace with myself and more regular in coming for TM. That's good, that's an encouragement and that shows God's work in my life. He's brought me out of problem and I'm going to go through good times with Him. That's His promise and I'm beginning to believe. Well, another problem is going to arrive soon but yar, it's to train and to help us grow, preparing us for eternity. So look up, live up and look to the reward not on earth but in heaven.

A trying day

Woke up at about 10+ today, after which I went straight to McDonalds to meet up with Amy and Nicole for lunch before heading back to church. Our conversation was mainly about Singapore Idol and how it has turned into a popularity contest. Nicole and Amy were telling each other, me included, the reasons why they didn't want to take part in Singapore Idol. I could agree with people encouraging Amy but Nicole? Hmmm...I shan't judge anyway - I can't be bothered. oh, we saw this guy who was in a weird costume, which seemed to have originated from pixie land. He looked a bit like an elf, at the same time, a bit like a painter...but yar, we had a good laugh over it.

Took a cab back to church, Amy paid for it. We had our rehearsal and I have to say this: I don't know why people don't bother to memorise their lines. I don't really agree with just knowing the gist of it and trying to improvise onstage. Not that I'm against it, but knowing your lines does allow you to focus on your acting and allows you to avoid silly errors. It's common for people to lose whatever they've got in their heads and end up speaking nonsense, gibberish, and loads of crap. It hinders the message from getting to the audience.

TM was about to start when I suddenly got a call from mom saying that I should rush down to Changi hospital because my grandma could pass away any moment. All of a sudden, my heart sank and I felt a sense of loss and sadness. I don't know why, I'm not close to my grandma or anything and I haven't visited her in a long time I must say and I didn't really care if she passed on or something. I guess life is rather meaningless for her since she's has trouble moving about and stays in the house all day. But I guess God was telling me something. He was telling me that I need to evangelise, which was probably the reason why I felt so overcome with grief - to see my grandma just die and be separated from God forever is a really scary and depressing thing. I guess no matter how much I don't care about her, I think deep down in my heart, I feel the need to share the gospel with her. i think God will feel really really sad if another soul wasn't saved. I immediately told Amy about it and was about to rush down. Shukun came along and he asked me if i had enough money for the cab fare... I had only 6 bucks left so he lent me $50. i was very touched by his gesture.

I was about to leave the church when Gloria called me and said visiting hours were over, so I had to stay put and wait for news to arrive. I went to the back of the church to cool off a bit, to calm down. I was about to cry and i didn't know why but as i reflected on it, God told me about the need to evangelise. I haven't really experienced the loss of a loved one as I was too young to understand anything when my grandpa passed away so if my grandma moves on, it will be the first time I'll be going through a period of real grief. I was very drained and i didn't know what to do. I realised that I hadn't done much for her... I didn't like her when I was young as I felt she was dirty. I didn't really want to go close to her, give her a hug or anything. I guess I've hurt her feelings many times sighz... It's too late to regret but I guess the only thing to do now is to pray that she accepts Christ. Problem is, i don't know how to communicate with her at all... Joel Nah prayed for me before service started...I guess he made a mistake, or I didn't quite communicate clearly, but he was praying for things like for my family to stay strong as we go through the funeral preparations etc... She wasn't dead yet... Joel shared with me about a fight he had with his elder brother and i think turned out to be a physical one so i prayed for him...

I shared my problem with my CG. They were very very supportive and I felt blessed to be in it. We were talking about our giftings and which areas we were good at. We tried to persuade Mark to set-up a soccer ministry, which he blurted out for fun. He said that he didn't have any giftings - what rubbish...he's good with people so i guess such a ministry will flourish. If you put your hand to it and commit it to God, if its His will, nothing is impossible. All the other agreed that I was good at teaching... i don't know, many people have said that before but i've never really bothered about it...Is God trying to tell me something? Come to think of it, is it a coincidence that I was given the role of Bill whose gift was teaching? oh no....

Left church at 5.30. Mom fetched us to the hospital to visit grandma. Along the way, i received many smses from my CG telling me that they were praying for me and my grandma and that we should stay strong. Was really encouraged and i feel that God is answering my prayer for FELLOWSHIP. Guess after going through the whole process of pain that i suffered before, I'm finally going through the good times with God. The experience has transformed me I guess. It took me a long time to realise that everything shouldn't be about me and yar, I guess God is saying that I am ready to start helping others. Praise the Lord!. Shan't go on much further less I rattle on again about my life experience and stay at my computer forever...

But yar, it's really encouraging and i'm so happy that my CG has been so supportive. Really feels good and I'm glad it is growing. God is preparing us to move into the next stage ie. to finally join the young adults. i think we CAN definitely stay as a CG even when we move up.

Reached the hospital and saw grandma in a nice pink hospital gown. She looked like a baby, albeit a really old one but i must say she looked quite charming in pink, preeeettttttyyyyy pink. She looked fine actually, just that her heart beat was low, at around 50 to 60 per min. They've got a lot of monitoring devices around her and the docs are keeping a close watch. I guess they were trying to prepare us mentally for the worse so they might have overexaggerated...

Anyway, looking back, God was telling me something. He was and He gave me the opportunity to share the gospel, which I didn't. I guess I should have had more faith and asked Him for help, miracles can happen right? Sighz... I guess there's still time, but God says that time wait for no man and we shouldn't procrastinate. it's an urgent issue, don't wait. Go ahead and save souls. That's the message. That is... and yes, it's preparing me for the next week of PDL...

MISSION

Children's Day

This is the second day of my holiday and I am thoroughly enjoying it. Jonathan was home as he was having a school holiday. For lunch, we went to Burger King. Everytime was fine at first but a mix up in the order got my Dad fuming mad. Mom originally asked for a meal, but later changed her mind and decided to tell dad to just order a mushroom swiss burger. I guess he forgot to take out one of the coupons so a mix up occured. When dad came back with the order, mom said he made a mistake. And she went on and on and on and on... I told her to stop it, knowing that my dad would eventually get pissed but yar, she didn't really listen so POOF! In the end, we spent that meal in silence. Anyway, I started getting bored so I messaged Kenneth and Isabelle. Soon, I got a call from Kenneth and there they were. The two clowns who tried to cheer me up. Kenneth, I think it was him, spoke in this super high pitch girly voice, and I couldn't really make out what he was saying. Isabelle, sang me a song which unfortunately didn't quite make sense. I asked them if they were going out somewhere and they told me they were mugging. Taaa. Wrong thing to do when you're trying to enjoy your holiday so I bade them farewell. Later, messaged Isabelle and asked her whether I should go for a facial. She suggested liposuction and I said I wasn't fat, to which she replied that she brought it up cos she knew it wasn't a sensitive issue to me.

After we reached home, I decided to ask mom if she wanted to go for a facial so I could tag along - she pays anyway. So we made an appointment at 3.30pm and went straight there. It was painful, th beautician was squeezing each and every single pore that she could locate and it hurt, but she was nice though. i enjoy the face massage, it was really good and shiok. However, my whole face was swollen and red from all the pimple and pore squeezing, I looked horrible. Msged Isabelle again and told her I went for facial. She was completely shocked and replied,

"I, a girl, have never gone for a facial"

(something like that)

After the facial, I got mom to send me to church directly, for rehearsal. As I mentioned previously, we were supposed to have a rehearsal on Wednesday but Nicole said she couldn't make it at the last minute. So we had the rehearsal on Friday at 6.00. The mood of the rehearsal was rather tense at first, we all felt a tad bit stressed out as we realised that we were short of one actor/actress. So we modified the script and voila. We were right on track. I realised that we didn't commit the session to God so I think it's the reason why things didn't go so smoothly. Nicole and Amy couldn't quite focus on the task and kept going on and on and on and on, acting bimbo. Nicole started throwing accusations, saying how Amy's presence brought out the bimbo in her. Not forgetting the influence she had on the other girls, like gloria...etc... etc. In the bimbo world, everyone puts on fake accents and I was immersed in it. Like TOTALLY! After about an hour and a half, we ended and I headed on to Sizzler where mom was going to give us a treat.

It was great at Sizzlers - I had dory and spicy chicken while Jonathan ordered chicken chop (kid's set), mom and Gloria just took to the salad bar. It was really value for money and I ate a lot - just to make it value for money. I think I've got to go and exercise soon before I put on even more weight, eating so much good food...