Prelims are OVER!!!

Okay, the final paper - econs S of 3 hrs. It was the longest paper of my life. The first essay was okay, but it was terribly draining... then, the second essay was horrible. Was literally crapping my way through the entire thing on the Singapore economy with no economic quotes whatsoever. I'm confident of failing that one. The last one wasn't too bad. I hope I managed to examine and INTERROGATE the question.

Anyway, while mugging for Econs S, I came across this very interesting quote by Milton Friedman.

Monetary Theory is like a Japanese Garden, apparent simplicity conceals sophisticated reality.

Wow, I just love that and I while never forget Edward Leaner's "When analysing statistical date, remember 3 things: Compromise, Compromise, Compromise." Interesting eh.

So after that gruelling 3 hrs, I gave Mrs Toh to vet through my essay for the FireFly scholarship application. But in the end, I didn't submit it. I'll do that next year i guess when I get my A level results. No hurry anyway. And I got Mrs Toh and Ms Chew to be my two referees. How nice. Oh, I discovered a revelation: Ms Chew stays at Jln Rhindu, which makes Dave her neighbour. Isn't it a SMALL small small world? But she says she's waiting for her condo to be completed, so meanwhile she's staying with her parents.

After that, me and Zhong Wei went home together and I met up with Dave for a chat, plus some sort of fellowship. We talked for about an hour and a half and I learnt a lot from him as well as expressing my concerns and views about the church, drama and various issues. it was very interesting and I must say Dave is very wise given his age. I've been trying to expand the drama team in terms of trying to get adults involved but Dave told me that I need to get the present drama team to reach a new level before I can go on to expand. He said that it is important to train them and to make sure the whole team is dynamic. He made me examine the current state of the drama team and he identified certain problems that were needed to be rectified. Firstly, he pointed out that the drama team spirit is sliding at the moment. Yes, we are doing good dramas and producing good scripts. However, the spiritual and mental state of our drama team has to be improved - we have members who have been left out, waiting to be involved. He stated that we should have monthly drama meetings, do some training, get people going and so on. Important things to note was that I needed to build up a group of people who are committed and passionate. Then, before you know it, people will be willing to write new scripts, take up new roles, lead and direct new dramas. This will free the leaders up and create a dependable team of leaders that are under the care and supervision of those who are higher up. Woah, great vision don't you reckon? very inspiring too. So yar, i think I should start working on his ideas. They're great MANN (pun intended). We returned back to church at about 5.50, where Amy suddenly told me that drama rehearsal was cancelled as Nicole couldn't make it. Dave told me that I should do something about it and shouldn't just let it go, because I had made the effort to come down. He taught me what he would do in such a situation- call that person up and ask for a really good reason why he couldn't make it or demand a really big apology. It's true - a commitment is a commitment and all others events or issues should be pushed aside. I didn't really say much though I was indeed feeling rather fed-up and pissed with Nicole for cancelling last minute...

Anyway, since rehearsal was cancelled, me and Amy met at Orchard to go for dinner together. We settled at Taka's Breeks after Amy was so tempted to start shopping, especialyl after I took out my Isetan vouchers which i kept in my bag for a long time. But yar, she WAS going crazy so... anyway, it's just her. At Breeks, we talked about lots of stuff and even dwelved into certain taboo topics. Oops...but we're both rather open about such stuff so who cares? We even joked that come judgement day, the people standing in line would have to wait a longer time since our list of sins would be longer due to our thoughts :P interesting prediction don't you think?

So after that, we walked and we talked and we walked and we talked and Amy did a bit of shopping at Wisma. She went into a few ladies shops and I followed, just to get a feel of how it's like to follow a girl into a girl's shop to shop. Felt weird though but I guess it's going to be part and parcel of having a girlfriend in the future. ARGH. We went to Kinokuniya after dinner and Amy bought a book while I went browsing through the Econs section... nothing much though... So after a long and tiring day, both of us headed back home...

The end.

I kinda realise that hey, I'm getting the fellowship that I want. Best of all, it's been a lot of one on one time with people which is just so cool. Thank God for FELLOWSHIP!!!

MATHS S - MY FIRST S-PAPER EXAM

Yes, the day's happenings...

I had my first Maths Special Paper exam in the morning at 8.10 am. How exciting. Basically, set there and stoned for 3 hrs because I almost didn't know how to do most of the questions and I think I'll get about 20 marks out of a possible 100 - noting that it is the best case scenario. I will never forget what Mrs Toh told me when she handed me the question paper:

"Winston, you must do Ms Chia proud"

Yes, thank you very much Mrs Toh. Anyway, because of that, I shall list you at one of my referees for my EDB scholarship application. So yes, I didn't do half the paper - not because I didn't want to, but because I just couldn't. Oh, and the song Jesus, Lover of my soul was stuck in my head, blasting its way through my entire Maths paper, especially the stanza,

"I will worship you until the very end"...

Was God trying to tell me something?

My maths sucks. I'm just a mugger so when it comes down to something known as Maths S, I'm just not suited for it. But I'm praying real hard that I'll get an M for the A-levels.

When mom asked me how was my paper, I just started laughing hysterically and said I'll fail it. And AS USUAL, she says, Ni can le - or you're in trouble. So typical. I rolled my eyes at her. Anyway, she just doesn't understand how hard it is. Goodness me, she didn't even get all 4 As for her A levels so who is she to judge me. Come on, I'm already carrying the heavy burden of an additional 2 S-papers so pls, give me a break.

After Maths, me and Esther went to the library to look for essays to read...they all were snapped up. So we kinda waited a while, looked at some books and realised that all the bloody titles were just giving us a headache. After Maths S, it's no wonder anyway... So we headed to Ghim Moh for lunch. Well, we were about to walk out of the main school gate when Winston Hodge, yes, my very good friend, was about to drive out. He waved to us, so we waved back. And he wound his window down and asked us where we were going and whether we needed a lift to Ghim Moh or the MRT station. It was a kind gesture but we gently declined, not because we didn't want to get in, but because (I guess) me and esther wanted to spend the time talking and having a chit chat on our way to Ghim Moh. We talked about facials :P and I shared with her my experiences such as the various treatments, the painful pore squeezing and so on...rather amusing. She brought up our pact as well - to go for a facial together, which I broke.

Now for lunch. We kinda gave up the idea of eating individually so we went a la carte buffet style. We ordered hokkien mee, mee kia gan and carrot cake and we shared these three dishes, and a cup of sugar cane, eating to our hearts' content. It was great, and she kept going "Winnie you rock" *blush* Our lunch conversation was mainly about how ZW and Ben always like to LAN and how sad we are...ie have no life, resorting to internet reversi and neopets...sighz...but hey, it's a matter of perspective rather than mindless starring at the computer screen, at least reversi forces you to use your brain. It's MORE PRODUCTIVE PEOPLE!!!

Anyway, after that, we got a lift from her RCC to Bueno Vista MRT cos she decided to take the train since her Uncle was going to make a detour to Bras Besar to pick her mom up. She was complaining about getting car sick and so on, just like me and guess what, we have the same surname too ie. we belong to the same clan :P. on the train, we were talking about what we would wear for prom. I was talking about my suit, she was talking about her gown, how she regreted cutting her hair since she wanted to curl it a bit to give it a bit of bounce and tie up her hair and so on. We were going mad over Alina's decision of wearing a tube and pants to prom, our main argument was that it was unsuitable for the occassion and a waste of the opportunity to wear something nice. Then, we shifted on to Zhaoyang and what he said before about taking his Dad's blazer.

OH PLEASE! YUCK. I'll be the last person found dead on this earth wearing my father's clothes. yuck. just plain yuck. i realised we don't really have much time left, considering the fact that we still have the A's to go, and that our last paper ends on 30th November, giving a grace period of like 4 days to get everything ready. ARGH!!! i want to look good okay. YES, I DO. i've got ideas, so yar, please help me fulfill them...or i could attempt to hire a fairy godmother for that night. Hmmm...nice alternative.

Basically, I spent the whole day slacking since my brain was fried from all the Maths S questions. Headache again. Spent time trying to fill up the Firefly scholarship application form due this Friday, so it must be done by Wednesday, to be vet and submitted. Flipping through all my old records and so on, I realise that Boy, do I have a good resume :P. Impressive, definitely. It did help me get my MOE Pre-U Scholarship you know...:P and not forgetting God's providence in providing. So yar, I shall try to complete my essay tomorrow and get Mrs Toh to look through it for spelling and grammar mistakes. Yes I will. IMPORTANT!

So, yar, I'll read the chapter for the day of my Purpose Driven Life and be done with my day.

So tata. Seeya goodbye, syonara, au revior

And to Michelle: don't worry about the rest of your results, you're on your way to your 6 points and hopefully we'll be able to welcome u to the RJ family. :) I should get advertising revenue for this :P.

Freaking out

Okay, I'm beginning to freak out again...for a reason. Well, the deadline for the scholarship application for EDB is this Friday. Okay, it'll be my first attempt at applying for a scholarship and I'm getting kinda freaked out about it. Imagine having to go against so many other applicants that are better and more outstanding than me. I don't think I stand a chance giving the fact that my prelim results are going to be screwed. Having gone through such a tough week with all the sickness and stuff, I kinda know what results to expect.

It's scary. I don't really know what I want to do these days...I don't really know... the prelims have left me drained, worned out and just wanting to give it all up. This is the worst part of my life...becoming an adult, or a young one at least and the choices that I have to make are so daunting...it's going to affect the rest of my life! Turning points, crossroads with many different directions...oh my goodness, it's so overwhelming!

Scared...yes...and I know it's going to be tough ahead. Going in into tomorrow examination just hoping I'll be able to do one or two questions? Will I get a U again? I don't know... Well, i've been trying to psycho myself to put everything into God's hands...It's scary...God is testing me again...and this time, it's going to be a huge leap of faith. It's so scary to think that things are not in your control anymore. Life so far has been smooth sailing...in terms of my education, everything falls into place nicely, scholarships just come knocking at my door, money from the government falls from the sky...I get paid $2 a day just to study! Imagine that! (which includes weekends as well)... My expectations - I don't really know what they are now... Others - everyone thinks that I'll get a scholarship...everyone says you can get 4 As...I'm not that good. I know I'm not. It's so daunting and I really want to go overseas to study...kinda, cause all the applications and essays are just DRIVING ME NUTS!

I admit, I have received my invitations to go for scholarship talks from MOE, SAF, PSC, FireFly, DSTA the major ones...and I know the reason why...because it is recorded in the school's directory that I take 2 S-papers... so what! I suck at them okay. I think I'll get a U for both, as for the D's, I'll get them in my dreams...

It's scary, so scary...argh... Lord, can I contact you via my blog? Are you hearing what I have to say now? I'm complaining to you now, I'm being honest, open and frank k. I want to complain - life sucks with all the pressure... I want to tell you how afraid I am of the upcoming A's, how fearful I am of what lies ahead... So many things at the moment...Just so many...too many

goes into a trance like state

..................................................................................................................................................

and snaps out of it

Okay, I shall try to leave it up to the Lord. The purpose driven life has taught me that it should be about doing God's will and not about ME ME ME. It's about letting Him take control and giving a hundred percent to doing His will. Looking towards self only brings more worries, more hurt, more disillusionment.

"I'll have to take a deep breath, pluck up my courage, trust in the Lord

and say Here are my plans... Do whatever you want with them. For if it's thy will, nothing can stop you and I will be empowered to fulfill it, for You, who are the awesome and almighty one, will grant me strength, wisdom, will and the courage to do what YOU want me to do..."

I'll be meeting up with Dave this Wednesday to discuss the Christmas drama. I wonder what will happen this year again? Are we going to be able to pull off a really big one? Amy is mobbing, me and Mich have our A's and O's, no one from drama will be able to lead until the end of November. Will we be able to pull it off? Can we succeed?

I don't know. God knows.

P/s: To Isabelle: Don't worry about reading my blog, I'm okay with it. At least I'm sharing my thoughts with others rather than bottling them up, which I always do. Yar, but I do have some concerns...I did enjoy the bible study session the other day, it was good, for once :P. Just for you to note: I wrote the entry before I came to YF the other day so yar, just a few feelings before I actually went into the "battlefield". And feel free to leave comments, I love to hear what others have to say. Always.

Prelims are over!

Okay, had my Bio MCQ today, or yesterday i should say... It was okay, quite good, but i made a few stupid mistakes but who cares... It's over... just two more silly S-papers and I'm done!!!

Anyway, went to watch a movie today with ZW, Ben and KP...actually, it was supposed to be with my class but as usual, we all have different preferences, the girls wanted to watch Dodgeball (urgh) and some wanted to watch the police story and so on...so I ended up watching One Miss Call, which was a horror film. I had a great time, all of us were laughing throughout the entire movie because it was so funny and corny. As usual, I kinda guessed the ending, the usual suspected storyline adopted by most Japanese film makers so it was rather predictable, cliche maybe and confusing to some extent because of the film makers attempt to try to twist and turn everything... turns out the ghost just wants to resolve some conflicts and so on, almost like The Ring. Okay, I shall stop being a film critic and go on with the rest of my life...

Okay, so I watched a movie. So what. Now I'm suffering from the withdrawal effects of the prelims exams. After the movie, we all dispersed and went home. So basically, I was stuck with nothing to do. And I suddenly had the urge to MUG. GOODNESS!!! MUG. That's what I wanted to get away from but I wanted to MUG. ARGH!!!!! Anyway, I had to control myself from enjoying my "beloved" hobby and go and relax. So, being the usual desperate person with no life, I turned to Neopets to find relief. Hmmm...not exactly suited for my age. Argh. I should get a life. Winston, GET A LIFE!!!! Maybe it's not me, maybe it's because my prelims are not over YET. Sigh.

Anyway, I just finished the part on fellowship. I totally agree to what Rick Warren has to say about fellowship. It has been what I've always wanted and look forward to. I've got many things to share. I've got so many problems but somehow, CG just isn't the place to share it. Fellowship is still not deep enough and I know to some extent Doreen feels a little discouraged by us, who are rather unresponsive to the things she says and so on. Doreen, we still love you, but the material that we have just sucks. I think CG time should consist more about our lives, sharing with one another what happened during the week, our disappointments and so on. I know it's going to be hard to bare all but we all have to start sharing. I mean, I want to know the others better, I want deeper fellowship. This is my desire. IT IS.

Well, I'm trying very hard to try to be friendly to those around me. It's made me realize how important relationships are. It's not just about me me me me me me me like what I used to think about - then I'd fall into the endless pit of self-pity and depression. It's about being yourself and not putting on a facade. It's being genuinely concerned about those around you and not despising them. I guess I struggle a lot when it comes to that.

Confession: I'm unwilling to go near certain people and sometimes I do have thoughts about certain people. I look down on some because of how they look and because of how they speak and at the same time, I try to make myself look as good as possible because to a big extent, I do have an inferiority complex. Yes I do. In fact, that keeps me from approaching people and socialising because I am not confident of myself at all. It's quite hard cos in YF, it seems to be all about looking good and being popular. But now, it doesn't seem to be that important. You don't need to be popular. You need to be genuine. You need to look to God for acceptance and so what if no one cares about you on this earth. If you care about others, God knows it and to Him, you are more beautiful than any others because your heart longs for Him and your heart is genuine. So, lesson learnt ie. accept who you are. You might not be a good-looker but God created you to have certain traits that others don't have - a good heart, a good character, being sensitive and so on... I'm sensitive and I can sense things around me, between people, in relationships, I have a great sense of humour and I know I can care for others. So God created me in a unique way. Way to Go God!

Confession again: I have certain personal problems that I have yet to share with anyone. It's my deepest darkest secrets that no one knows about and it's been there for a few years. I don't know when I'll share them but I guess I won't until I feel I'm close enough to some people to be able to share. It's going to be hard but I guess I need the help of the church and other Christians. God has reminded me time and again to give it up and let go but i haven't been able to. It's a sort of bondage and I know I need help. He wants me to have a closer relationship with Him but this problem has been holding me back for a very very very very long time.

I'm scared to share this problem. It's very very personal and I'm afraid I'll be judged and criticised. It's going to be very hard. Really hard. I don't know. But fellowship is about taking risks right, it's about baring it all and it will be a test of whether true fellowship can exist in YF. I am genuinely scared.



Also, I'm quite concerned over some of my CG members who are having problems. I sent a message but didn't get a reply and I think that someone is rather devastated about their results. But I want to help. I don't mind sitting down with someone to help solve problems. I want to be able to help - I really want to. I don't know, but I know I'm quite good at teaching people, especially things like Maths or something.

I'm a mugger. K, I am. I admit. Fine. But yar, might as well use this to help others. So I hope to be able to you know help those before the A's. It helps me to revise as well so yar.

Oh, I'm getting over the initial rage of my sister reading my blog. Okay, my original intentions were not to let her know about this but she searched it over the internet and she read it so I was pissed. I was. But yar, I guess I should just tell her to respect my privacy and just let it go. It's not good to bear grudges and yes, I have them deep down in my heart. Even grudges 13 years ago, I still bear them. One of them is how my sister caused me to be punished on my 6th birthday in the US. Had to face the wall cause I was so pissed with her for being irritating. Argh.

Fine. I'm petty. Yes, I am. But I have to forgive right? Since God commanded us to do so and you'll feel much better if you do. So why let a grudge bother you and make life miserable? Let it go and I bet we'll all feel much better. Sigh. It's going to be so hard for me... But look at it this way, God forgave me. So shouldn't I try to forgive others to? God loves them equally and imagine if God bore grudges against everyone of us... I shudder to think of that thought.

Anyway, I've been communicating with people like Greg and Liz Chay. She's been messaging me and I've been messaging her too. Haha, never knew she was a quirky person... just never knew, or maybe bothered to. But yar, this week is relationship week...no, it shouldn't be for just this week. It should be for a long long time. So people, here I come....

And yes, since the prelims are over, it's time to start doing other things. Before I start mugging again. I can't wait (yeah right). It's time to touch my piano again, yes, it's been 6months. Also, it's time to start filling in scholarship applications and getting my teachers to start writing recommendations. Also, it's time to start on the Christmas drama script. Must start praying about that and working on it. Don't know if it can be pulled off, especially a major one since all the leaders are busy... Amy is mobbing, Mitch and me are having our O's and A's and Dave will be very busy... Well, I guess if God wants it, there shouldn't be a major problem. Right God? Right. (I'm answering it for Him cos I know what His answer will be :) ).

Okay, it's time to go for YF and fellowship. Yippee. I should look forward to it right?

Yup, I should.

Anyway, as I said, I'll try to be friendly. So yar, watch out for the next installment...

Tata...

GO AWAY SIS

GO AWAY SIS



This blog was meant to share my thoughts with a selected group of people and those who don't know me. Some thoughts are not intended to be shared with you - the reason why i kept this blog address away from you. Please respect my privacy. Go away.

Prelims are almost OVER!!!

Well, not quite actually...but yar...one more last paper, Bio MCQ...darn it...why didn't they have it earlier, at least i'd be enjoying myself by now...but hey, freedom tomorrow, at least for the moment...

I wonder what I'll do...watch a movie? shop? eat? We always wish that our exams would end as soon as possible but when it does end, it's okay, we're done so what do we do now? Often reminds me about how life should be, it should be for a purpose, for a goal, for something that we desire... once we lose purpose, life's got no meaning... And yar, I shouldn't get too stressed about prelims, cos God has assured me that if it's His will, everything will just fall into place, inclusive of the scholarship... besides, He's given me so much...come to think of it...my parents never had to pay for my education so far...and i've been paid to study... :P

Oh and talk about fellowship, I realised that I'm not the only one who suffered during the church breakup as I learnt today from someone... she kinda dropped out of yf too for some time before coming back but hey, God has done quite a bit so we've both grown and become leaders in our own ministry... Anyway, back to the topic of fellowship. Well, I think i've found someone who can be considered a really good friend - not superficial friendship, but really someone to talk to... people in yf, will you ever get a chance to? Go figure.

And yes, i've decided. I will try to be friendly and nice and try to mingle around more. It's not for friends to come, but it's for you to show someone that you care for them that draws people to you. It's gonna be hard for me...duh considering that i'm not too good with interacting with new people but hey, if I can stand at a McDonald's counter and go

"Two all beef patties, special sauce,

lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun"

in four seconds just to get a free ice-cream in front of all my classmates, i guess plucking up a bit of my courage won't kill right? Besides, I'm good at acting so I shouldn't be afraid it presenting myself to other people right? Kinda like onstage...though your lines are prepared...

Oh, and i must thank Michelle for the encouragement. Help me say Hi to Tovya...Sigh, I'm always better with younger ones, especially girls :P but yar, one must be willing to open up so I hope I've found a new friend...

Oh, I learnt something new about Ren Tze today as well....didn't know she had a Christian name - Loyce Chan....how interesting...i found out today when Grace was talking about her (Ren Tze's) wedding invitation design...I got to participate in helping in the design of the cards so yar, i'm quite happy...

Econs today wasn't so bad, just that my handwriting was... Can't help it... especially when you're rushing out like 12 sides of paper in like an hour forty five, yar... so I hope not to receive the comments that i always get - you must improve your handwriting...argh....

Anyway, i'm happy. i'm high, but i still hope to grow taller...wadeva... i'm going out tomorrow, I'll be celebrating the end of my prelims (the normal papers) and yes, I'll be free for at least a few days before I start preparing for the A's....

I shall start sleeping on sheets of A4 size papers...

Go figure.

Third entry

Okay, I'm back...yes, it's me again...



Good news: I'm half way through my prelims



Bad news: I'm sick, down with a slight fever and dizzy like 24 hrs a day...I think i'll do badly cos i just can't concentrate during my papers...argh...



Well, as I reflect on my pre-prelim emotions and now, well, i guess i'm much more relaxed. Before the prelims, a lot of things seemed to hang onto the outcome of it. Scholarships, my own expectations, expectations of others...tons of benchmarks that I set for myself. But hey, I guess results just aren't everything right? Anyway, God has reassured me that everything is in His control, and there's nothing we can do to change it. So yar, God, you know my plans, you know my wants and i guess if it's your will for me to stay in Singapore or go overseas, everything will just fall in place right? Duh...



So yar, i'm kinda sick now cos of all the stress and everything - I pushed myself real hard and I guess I've taught myself and my physical body a BIG lesson. so after the prelims, I shall go shopping and eating and relaxing and doing what my body tells me to do... :)



And, even though I may not have been faithfully reading my 40 Days of Purpose, it has given me quite a few insights... and yes, I understand the word Fellowship. Well, God has been telling me to seek His and only His favour rather than to seek those of man. Yeah, heck about what others think about me...I am who I am - God created me in a special way and yar, Michelle reminded me that I'm unique :P and as Joey in Friends says it best - "I'm curvy and I like it!" - just replace the curvy with the word unique. Well, so everytime I sink into depression about people not liking me and me not having friends in yf and so on... I'll just tell myself, someone delights in me more than any others - my very own God.



I learnt something from Day 13 or was it 14 of the Purpose Driven life. It said something about God turning His face away from Jesus. I kinda realised something... God will never forsake us nor will He turn His face away from us but at that moment when Jesus was on the cross suffering the excrutiating pain, as a sacrifice for our eternity, God turned His face away. He couldn't bear to see Jesus - for all the sin, past, present, future was on Him. Never a moment will God forsake us but Jesus was forsaken at that point of time - isn't that tragic and yet such a big sacrifice? During worship in TM, I was reminded that I didn't deserve to be saved... I felt I was nothing, and that I really wasn't worth saving... It's like picking up trash from the ground and displaying it at home, slowly scrubbing every bit of dirt out of it and restoring it till it was brand new... will anyone ever do that? i don't know... God did.

My Second Entry

Hi blog, I'm back.



Been having my prelims for the past few days and it has been so tiring and so stressful. Okay, I was bitching to you the other day cause yar, i kinda felt emotional and all but everything there is true so yar...



Just had a nice talk with Ms Chia...she's a very nice teacher, very caring and yar, she often calls (cos i don't have her number) just to ask me about CCA stuff and talk about life as a whole. She's a very interesting person though we both had a rough and bumpy beginning where i kinda feared her but she's been a great gossiper and teacher-in-charge so kudos to you Ms Chia...



Anyway, it was about the Darren b*tch. Can't stand him and hate him. He thinks he is so good and assumes a lot. Well, let's just say he's like those who make this world a less pleasant place to live in. To those out there, here is my defence. i sent in my application form together with all the rest. If I got in, it means that they received it... so the only reason i can think of is that they rejected the rest of the applications - it's up to the committee to decide. I wouldn't be working my ass off as a slave to help all those send in their application forms if I didn't want to, nor would I be helping others with my exhibit if I was so afraid I would be surpassed. NO! I've been working hard to get people in so if you want to conjure up some wierd reason to put me in a bad light, it's up to you...cos I DON't CARE!



Prelims so far have been a flop, with the exception of Maths. Been so stressed out with so many papers and intensive mugging... 9 hour cycles!!! I think I pushed myself too hard or maybe it's just too much stress... GOD GRANT ME PEACE PLEASE?



Anyway, I hope the dizzy spells stop...maybe it's due to sheer pressure that i've placed upon myself, but I leave it to God to do what He wants... He'll path the way...He's already got a plan for me so yar, i'll just have to go figure and wait...



Abit more about my 40 DOP...I haven't exactly been keeping up but we're approaching the dreaded topic of FELLOWSHIP, which i haven't really experienced in my 6 years in YF... maybe cos I wasn't there... It still is non-existent to me at the moment so...sighz... God has been telling me to seek acceptance from Him and Him alone and not from man, but ain't Christians supposed to help each other grow? Sighz...



Oh, I'm still glad that there are people around who love me. That's comforting to know...since God's love sometimes can be so hard to detect, so hard to feel, so hard to understand...sometimes He seems so far away but who's to blame Him, i've been the one cluttering Him out and yar, i kinda been expecting and treating Him as a Santa Claus....All bout ME ME ME alone... i should give Him a break, rather, I need to, I have to...Sorry God...



Back to my topic of love: My grandma has been regularly calling me up to say that's she's praying for me, reminding me to drink Brand's essence of chicken and so on... Joanne, Chris Chia and Grace who've been my prayer partners every morning in school, Doreen my CG leader whom I know has been very concerned about me. So yar, I should stop dwelling in self -pity and focus more on the more upbeat side of life.



So yar, there you have it. My second entry, but there's always more to come, i like sharing, and it's a really enjoyable way of reflecting on life but to all those out there who have been praying for me, thanks very much, really appreciate it and God, thank you for them...



Chow

Start of my blog

I've tons to say and i don't know where to start... I'm glad the internet bestows annonymity to me and allows me to share my thoughts without anyone having to know who I am.



I've been searching for a lot of things in life, more than just a purpose. Life so far has been filled with endless goals of doing well in my studies. There are expectations, there is pressure and lot of it comes from the expectations that the people around me have for me and the ones that I give to myself. You never know why you work so hard for and being the eldest in an Asian family, being the eldest son that is, you sometimes wonder if you're working for yourself or for someone else. My motivation to study has been dominated not for the love of studying but for the sake of satisfying my desire to be someone, to get attention.



Don't call me egoistic or attention grabbing. Don't blame me for wanting to be loved more and to be appreciated by those around me. I've been looking for friends, really close ones to be with and my search so far has been fruitless. I grew up in a family where love doesn't really seem to exist since it isn't really expressed openly - but yar it does somehow. My search for friends and acceptance has been a lifelong one.



I'm not your typical average guy. I don't enjoy soccer which often leaves me out from the usual gang of boys around me. I think it's a low IQ game to some extent but hey, it's just my opinion. I'm not a good looker and this sucks cause it's painful to see those who are getting all the attention. I've never had a really good friend, one so close that I can spend my time and hang out with. There are so many desires and wishes I have that sometimes I really don't know what I want. It's really hard to identify and put in words whether these wishes are for the sake of making myself look better to get more friends, as a means of me to seek acceptanace or whether I'm just not satisfied with myself.



Seeking acceptance and love is probably what I really want. I ask myself why people have so many friends, why this ,why that. Maybe it's what I've been experiencing all my life. It's been a struggle with those around me. I'm passionate about life. I'm fun to hang out with and have a great sense of humour, just waiting for people to discover me. I'm not outwardly friendly - I don't feel comfortable with new people and that makes it harder for me to break out of my shell.



I often ask myself, why do certain things happen to me. Events like my friends leaving me one by one not because of me, but because of things that happen around us. My really good church friends whom I grew up with were taken away from me when things kinda got bad with the leaders and those up there. It's wrong to say this but adults sometimes don't understand the consequences of their disagreements. After which everyone split up...one went to Canada while the other shifted to another church. There I was left alone. ALONE to face up to the transition of moving to the youth group. ALONE. I had trouble fitting in. No guy was of my age. No one at all. I tried my best to go down, to try to make friends but to no avail. Clicks are hard to break and to get into. I tried. No, why should I try to break into clicks and end up not being myself? I wonder... Ever had the feeling of just sitting alone by yourself and yet the people around you seem to have a great time with their friends, those they grew up with? Ever had the feeling of people who just come up to you and say Hi just because they have to? I'm a sensitive person, and maybe perhaps oversensitive but I care about what others think of me. I care about how they feel and if they're willing to invest their time, I'm sure there is a very deep friendship that can be forged. Throughout my secondary school life, I never really felt accepted. I stopped going down for yf because i was so afraid - the fear of loneliness just drives you nuts and the whole irony of it all is that it is a church where people are suppposed to warm and friendly. Yucks. Talk about fellowship. My parents kept trying to persuade me to go, and blamed me for not having friends because of my failure to put in the effort. Enough! Stop trying to force me and make me guilty for all that I suffered. I tried and let me tell you this, it was so hard.



The splitting of my friends from church hurt me so bad. i was left with the girls so I tried mixing with them. I TRIED. Well, the reaction I got... *chatter chatter chatter* I approach. * chatter ceases*. How awkward. Ever felt so left out that you just wanted to go home and cry... loneliness sux. God created us to be together with those around us, to fellowship with Him. It's wired in our heads to dread solitude and to seek those who share our joys, our passion, our love, our whatever. But over the years, I've failed to get that.



i don't know... I want company, I want love, i want to be able to feel special on my birthday. i haven't celebrated it for so long, not with my friends...it just passes year by year...and yar, so what if i've grown one year older? So what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't anyone care? DOES ANYONE CARE?



Frustration. That's what I call it. It's better to give than receive. i'm sick and tired of that. I'm sick of it all. People in church are plain insensitive and they are superficial. Let's just say it again, SUPERFICIAL...that is at least for my church. I don't want to shame it, so I won't name it but come on... after so many years, I've yet to find the right place, I have yet to feel at home everytime I go there. I go around searching for those to hang out with but those about my age are so different. They are from the same school...a rival school in fact but the main problem lies not in that, but the fact that I can't associate. i can't. I JUST CAN'T!



i'm sick and tired of going home alone...walking up that bloody hill by myself with no one to talk to. I want someone to discuss my problems, my spiritual life, to be able to help me and support me in my walk. But i haven't found one. no, definitely not. When will I?



As i approach 18 years in about one and a half months time, my youth would be almost gone. Being a teenager put me through so muc