Why Not Me?

Christmas is one of my favorite times of year. I love the ornaments and the baking and the shopping and the decorating. But I especially love the hope that seems to prevail during the month between Thanksgiving and New Years Day. Its almost tangible. Like the ringing of the Salvation Army bells it is unavoidable in the chilly air.

The last 17 months have brought sadness into our home four times. The most recent event being this last week and was confirmed this afternoon. Is it considered infertility if you can get pregnant but not stay that way? I haven't talked a lot about this mainly because it seems really personal but I feel compelled to go into it now.

The first miscarriage was July 2008. We found out the day before Dustin's cousin died in a plane crash and eagerly told both our families, including the young nieces and nephews over the phone. Two weeks later we were making another phone call to tell everyone we had lost the baby. A fluke, bad timing, won't happen again.

January 2009 came the second pregnancy. Still with no reason to be concerned, the first dr's appointment was made for the 8 week mark. The Friday before that appointment, I had some spotting and trip to the Emergency Room told us two things. One, the ER will do absolutely nothing and two, there wasn't a heartbeat at almost 8 weeks. There should have been one and my low hcg numbers verified it.

The second loss, and a doctor switch, lead to some testing and we learned that I have several clotting disorders. MTHFR hetero, lupus anticoagulant and plasminogen activator inhibitor. Essentially my blood clots into little tiny clots that don't do any harm in my veins but will prevent an embryo from being able to attach to the uterus and carry a pregnancy. Treatment is a baby aspirin a day and folic acid pills to start with Lovenox or Heparin shots after a heartbeat is detected and the pregnancy is viewed as viable. Lovenox and Heparin are blood thinners and should thin the blood enough to let it easily pass through the embryo's tiny system.

We learned we were pregnant in May 2009. But we had a plan! We knew what had caused the others and this one would be different. This one would work! We had a heartbeat at 6 weeks and I started giving myself shots every day. My abdomen looked like a punching bag but it didn't matter. The baby was growing and had a personality. She would hide from the ultrasound technician like a little stinker and we finally thought this was it.

At a routine check-up at 15 weeks, the heartbeat was gone. Our world imploded on itself and all we could do was cling to each other. Tests were supposed to be run but there was a miscommunication about what was ordered so we never found out what had happened. The likely possibility is the Lovenox wasn't a high enough dosage and clots formed between the placenta and the uterus choking the blood flow. We decided it was a girl and let Alex name her Daisy.

Again, it was a fluke. We'll up the dosage for any other pregnancies. We'll start other medications sooner. It will be the right time. It will work.

We decided to start trying as soon as we could. My age would only become a bigger obstacle the longer we waited and the desire to have a sibling for Alex was huge. But the heartache of losing three made us pause. When would we stop? At what point does the heartbreak overcome the desire for a baby?

Thats the hardest question a couple in this situation can face. Will the next one be it? What if we started the shots as soon as a positive test was shown? What if I'm on blood thinners constantly with the hope it will help? If we stop now, will we be denying a spirit the right to come to our home? The home of a righteous priesthood holder and members of the Church?

We found out I was pregnant again the weekend before Thanksgiving. I made doctor's appointments and they saw me almost immediately. On December 7th, I had an appointment with the specialist to see if there was a heartbeat. They didn't find one but it was still early. Blood work was ordered to check my hcg levels and progesterone. On Thursday we learned they hadn't doubled like they should and the progesterone was low. I started on a supplement (bringing my total pills daily to 11) and we prayed. Prayed for a miracle and for the numbers to be wrong.

Today we found out that there was no miracle. Another early loss. And I'm surrounded by babies and pregnant women. Women on a mom's board I belonged to that are due the same month I was due with Daisy. Women with babies who were born the same month I was due with the first two. And Alex telling me he's tired of being a "lonely" child and he would have been a great big brother and would have taken really good care of Daisy.

A friend of mine posted on her blog a few months ago about the Why Me? syndrome. Why do bad things happen to me? I'm a good person. We go to church and pay our tithing. I teach Primary. We do a lot of what we're supposed to (that darn Visiting Teaching is hard) and its not fair that there are so many people having children only to abuse and neglect them.

But what about Why Not Me? Her point is that none of us has done anything to exclude the trials of this life. Why shouldn't I be given this trial? Some people have monetary trials and some have abusive childhoods and some have lost their husbands too soon and others have fallen prey to adultery or pornography or alcohol or drugs. I'm fortunate that I have a husband who loves me, a really great son, we both have good jobs and cars that work. We're able to afford some luxuries and dinner out when we want it. Why would I be exempt from challenges? What makes us so special?

Everyone has trials. I guess the reason I'm posting this is to let the few readers I have know that everyone has something sucky going on. We're all in crisis mode and the pain of losing the babies doesn't ever go away. I just get better at hiding it. I'll never be able to feel the euphoria of getting a positive pregnancy test without also feeling the terror that we'll lose another one but another friend of mine once told me to enjoy each baby for the time that you have them. One day they'll be ours again.

I love shopping. I'm uber picky though, especially with decor items. I see things I love but then can't figure out how to make it work with my current stuff and then I theorize that it wouldn't be financially prudent to buy one thing to redecorate my whole bedroom/living room/kitchen/etc. So I pass and never ever see that thing I loved again. I've started buying these things when I see them so I can move things from the guest room to the living room, etc and mix things up a bit.

We've been talking about buying a new couch for a more formal look. But we wanted leather and well, nice leather from a furniture store was outside of our little budget. Craigslist, however, has lots of nice things for prices we are usually willing to pay. It takes some patience and lots of "they want HOW much for that ugly two tone, torn white leather?" to reach the "wow, thats really nice and affordable, we'll take it!" I found this couch before Park City and Dustin and Dad picked it up last week. Its currently sitting in the living room waiting for a place to be moved to but thats another project.

I also love boutique stores but usually the prices are too high and the merchandise isn't stuff I think I can really use. Before the BYU game on Saturday (where they thankfully didn't lose!), we walked over to a little shop I had seen on University Ave. Inside I found some great fall dessert plates a nice pitcher that happens to match our couch accent pillows. Look at the edging at the top! I love that. And a carved angel wing box. Plus the birthday present for the twin nieces but I'm not posting that picture.

All in all, it was a fun day. I found things I loved and actually match my current look and BYU won.

Park City

We just got home from the Annual Park City Weekend and I have to say the weather is a lot nicer in September than it is at home. Its rained the last three years so I have to wonder if its something to do with our visit. Maybe the clouds know that we're dying for some moisture by the time the weekend rolls around and some cooler air. Whatever it is, we really enjoyed it.

The flight we were able to catch happened to be during the early afternoon so we were the first to arrive. We spent the time putting together some outfits for last minute family pictures. One would think that a store that carries clothing for men, women, boys and girls would have items that would coordinate with each other. One would be wrong for thinking that. Old Navy really put us through the paces and we only actually found something because I gave up on the really cute green sweater for Alex and let Dustin pick his shirt first. Heidi took some great pictures of us on Saturday and we're really happy with them! Here's one of the pictures:

Alex also lost his other front tooth over the weekend. He expressed some disappointment with what the Tooth Fairy left so I'm sure the Tooth Fairy is rethinking future monetary trades.

Saturday evening was spent at the BYU vs. Florida State football game. Dustin got season tickets for Father's Day and we've been looking forward to this game for months. That lasted until just after halftime when FSU ran two touchdowns within the first 4 minutes of the second half. If you've seen the score, you know what happened after that. We waited until the last 6 minutes of the fourth quarter before throwing in the towel and hiking back the two miles to the car. About half way back we decided it was worth the $7 to park closer to the stadium.

My school semester ends at the end of this month. I've been working furiously to finish my last few assignments to end on a good note but the Statistics have been kicking my butt. Almost done with the math portion and then I'll move back to the Business classes.

Dustin is enjoying his German class. Its a difficult class to take online for the students with no background in speaking German but he is finding it fun.

Tooth Fairy strikes again!

Alex has been having a wiggly front tooth for a few weeks now. This last week it had made it to the really gross, lays flat when you eat, can't brush around it stage but he refused to let me pull it out. He wanted a tooth box from school. I told him he had until Wednesday for it to fall out on its own or I was yanking it. It completely squicked me out watching him eat.

Last night, I got home from Stake Super Temple Day and that tooth was hanging by a thread. I offered to pull it, promised it wouldn't hurt, pinky promised it wouldn't hurt and said he could have an ice cream sandwich if it did hurt. He finally said ok and even said he'd be honest about the pain. What a trooper!

Approximately five seconds later, the tooth was in my hand and he hadn't even noticed it being pulled. No ice cream sandwich for him. Poor guy but he was indeed honest. He almost got one anyway but it was almost bedtime and we had to get the tooth ready for the tooth fairy. He woke up this morning with a couple of shiny quarters to show for his efforts.

Meanwhile, I'm doing ok. There are good days and bad days and sometimes I'll be fine for a few days and then something will hit me. No idea on when we'll start trying again. The thought of going through the first trimester again exhausts me so we'll see what happens.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. This loss has hit me a lot harder then the others. We are still waiting on the chromosomal testing. The pathological test came back with no new information but the upside to that is, it didn't say it was related to my clotting issues. I'll probably be on an increased blood thinner dosage next time as a precaution but chances are good everything will be ok.

Sad news...again

Last week we learned we lost our baby at almost 16 weeks. I went in for a regular ob checkup and the heartbeat was gone. I had a D&C on Tuesday and ended up spending the night in the hospital due to bleeding but was able to go home on Wednesday morning. Dustin happened to have Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off work and it was truly a tender mercy. I didn't have to call him and tell him over the phone and he was able to take care of me most of the week without taking sick time, which he doesn't have a lot of. Alex was spending the week with his dad so we knew he was taken care of. Another tender mercy.

We were able to go to the temple on Friday night. I probably should have been in bed but sometimes its worth the exhaustion to get out and do something for someone else. That sounds so noble and unselfish but I really wanted a reason to sit in the Celestial Room.

In happier news, Alex started second grade today. I've never seen a kid so excited to start school. He was ready with his backpack on a full half hour before we had to leave. We did arrive early just to register him for the afterschool program and he was just bursting with excitement.

Dustin is starting class next week. We found out that a local college has an Associate of Science in Aviation and he expressed an interest in working towards it. He's had some trouble getting a hold of the director to transfer his current aviation credits in but the German 101 class should be interesting.

All in all, I'll be glad when this year is over and next year begins. Its been a weird one for a lot of friends and family.

Big news!

It has been a long time since I updated this. Lots has happened and I'll start with the annual Williams Family Reunion at Bear Lake, Idaho. It used to be at Bear Lake, Ut but they moved to the north side of the lake last year and the new campground is more grassy and less dirt-y. Clyde and Sandy brought us the new tent trailer to try it out and Dustin was completely sold. Its really nice and Clyde equipped it with a port-a-potty and some newer hoses so we had some running water. I've always been a tent camper so a trailer is a nice luxury. Alex liked the convenience of having an icebox and a bathroom along with the running water. I liked having a place thats not so hot for an afternoon nap.

The Saturday night skits were hilarious as always. Alex treated everyone to some dancing and some of Dustin's uncles did a great impression of ABBA.

The Ford handled the towing of the trailer admirably and we didn't really notice it was back there. Made for some interesting u-turns when we stopped for multiple bathroom breaks but no damage was done. Just exciting times.

Alex has started swimming lessons and might have his very first sunburn. He looked a little red tonight when he usually just turns brown. And gets platinum blonde hair to show off his blue eyes. He really looks like a surfer.

Now for the big news. We feel pretty good about sharing this but we'd also appreciate any prayers that things will be ok. We found out about 6 weeks ago that Alex is getting a little brother or sister in late January! Official due date is 2/4/10 but I'll be a repeat c-section so it will make its appearance about January 20th or so. There have been a few complications but we've been feeling very positive about everything so we decided it was ok to share here.

I won't be posting a belly shot any time soon since I seem to have grown much larger than I think 10 weeks should be but as soon as I feel like my stomach matches my week a little closer, I'll put one up. The one from 9weeks 3 days is just depressing. LOL!

Saving money

I've been on a big saving money on groceries kick lately. I read a blog called ShopSmartinVegas and go to a website called Grocery Smarts for a list from all the grocery stores and their ads and sale prices. They make it really easy and quick for me which is good because I have the attention span of a gnat for this stuff.

This is the first week they've had Vons and CVS on the list and I went to town! $173 worth of groceries for $75. I'm very pleased with myself and we are now stocked with lots of shampoo, conditioner and toothpaste. Among other things.

Let's here it for saving money!

20 Questions about our wedding/engagement

My sister posted this on her blog and I thought it was interesting and what woman doesn't LOVE talking about her wedding and engagement.

1. When did you get married? --November 10, 2007.

2. Was this your first marriage? --No

3. How long were you and your significant other together before getting married?--We met in April, he proposed in June and got married in November. So, we were together 7 months.

4. How did you meet your significant other? --We met at a church activity.

5. How did your engagement happen? Who asked who and how? --We went to Bear Lake for his family reunion and it was the first time I met any of his family. He waited until Sunday morning and we went for a drive around the lake and we pulled into an empty campground to relax. He said lots of wonderful things and asked me to marry him. I said yes. (obviously)

6. Did he ask the parents permission? --No, I didn't think he needed to.

7. Was the ring a surprise? Who picked it out? Would you ever get a new one? --No. I had a cocktail ring that he used since money was tight. The wedding band was a surprise and he bought me a new engagement ring for Valentines Day this year. I love them all and its fun to mix and match them.

8. Where was your wedding ceremony and/or reception? --We were married in the Las Vegas temple. Its fun to say we got married in Vegas. The reception was at a local restaurant.

9. What were your wedding colors? --Cream and deep purple. Surprisingly difficult to find that year. Everything was hot pink and brown.

10. What was the weather like on your big day? --BEAUTIFUL!!!! Not a cloud in the sky and even a bit warm for November.

11. Where did you go for pictures? --We had pictures on temple grounds before and after the sealing and some at the reception.

12. Did either of you get drunk? --No, we don't drink.

13. What was your wedding song? --We didn't have one. Dustin doesn't dance so we didn't have dancing.

14. What was your wedding favor/gift? --We didn't do wedding favors.

15. Did you smash the cake? --Nope. I spent too much time and money looking great and my cake was beautiful.

16. Wedding night? --We were making our way to Big Bear and stopped in Barstow.

17. Favorite part of your wedding day? --Being married at the end of the day to my husband.

18. Least favorite part? --How rushed everything felt.

19. Would you do it all again? --The only thing I would change would be to have a family gathering with the two families the night before and have assigned seating at the reception.

20. Where did you go on your honeymoon? --Big Bear. Gorgeous fall weather and very relaxing as it was between tourist seasons.

I know! I know!

I know its been forever since I last updated this. I've been so busy, I don't even have any pictures. Just boring words.

Work has been busy. I am in a small (3 of us) unit that does hospital billing for the county social services and we also handle COBRA payments for people who need help paying their premium. These two tasks don't look like much but they keep us plenty busy to the tune of 8000 bills were approved or denied in December with just the three of us.

I guess no one else thinks we do anything either since the powers that be asked us to help out and interview clients for two hours a morning. The equivalent of a full work day away from our assigned duties! After a month, we had a meeting with our supervisor and insisted we needed more time at our desks with our cases. That should calm down.

Dustin is spending the week in Utah helping his aunt and her business. I'll be joining him on Friday to spend Valentine's Day with the in-laws which to a normal person might be weird but I really like my in-laws and they have a hot tub so its all good.

Alex won second place in the school's Reflections contest in Literature and he walked away with a very impressive trophy for his efforts. He has been working on his magic tricks and has quite the show going. His favorite is the finger cutting one.

Things are going good and the spring is looking even better!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Alex had his first sleepover about two weeks ago. A little boy down the street form my parents house who I've known for 4 years now. Apparently it was his first sleepover too as his mom very very excited to drop him off.

Or maybe they were looking forward to a quiet evening, oldest child-free? Who knows.

The evening started with making english muffin pizza. I pre-cooked some Italian sausage for Dustin, grated some cheese and had a bowl of sauce on the counter for everyone to put on their muffin. Then, the idea that maybe giving 6 and 7 year old boys free reign over the pizza sauce distribution wouldn't be such a great idea, I proceeded to sauce and cheese the muffins myself and let them put on their toppings. They looked like this:
Very yummy and tasty. A great way to satisfy the unending appetites of growing boys.

After dinner, they went to play in Alex's room only for us to find various signs posted around the house.
And then they paraded around the house in a harmonica parade.

The sign on the front of the friend's shirt? It says 'Join the Buterfie Team'. I'm raising a macho son who chooses the name of his harmonica parade to be the Butterfly Team.

Darn right.

After that weekend, Dustin was able to get his Christmas present a little late.

See how delighted he is with his new HD radio component? Too bad it broke and we had to take it back a week later. But we did get an even better one that can go into the office and has a dvd player and a ipod dock. YAY!

Alex got a fish from his grandpa. He wanted to name it galoompf but I talked him into something easier. Meet Pip
So, it was a great holiday season and I'm glad my decorations are down and my living room is back to normal. If only it would warm up, just a bit. I'm shivering here!