End of the 2nd week

(Adulthood isn't when you turn 21. It is now.)

Feels like I'm re-living the first year of work again. Filter-free. Culture shock. Assault after assault. Threatening emails and scoldings. I've just grown an extra layer of skin; and these threats are but mere needles bouncing off me.

I can't even remember the last time I could stop to smell the roses. And yet, I don't think I could ever go back to such a life. While I'm being worked to the bone, there is a deep-seated thrill in fire-fighting. In the span of a year I went from naive, responsibility-free, mistakes-laden uni kid to a frantic, multi-tasking weaver of strategies and forecaster of $ breakdown upwards all the way to the *****, despite having no finance background. Things I never even dreamt I'd be doing EVER. The amount of responsibility and accountability just freaking quadrupled. In uni I panicked because had a 1 day to learn a completely unstudied chapter from scratch right before finals. Now I am given a couple of hours to pick up the pieces of a new project with no background and context whatsoever. I can't even afford the time to hyperventilate. Which brings me to this sentiment:

When you are forced under circumstances, potentials will be unleashed. 

Some percentage of me already has. I wonder how I would be if/when I'm being driven to a point of no return. My predecessor had a way worse time than me. And I am very lucky.

Still can't decide how I feel about my role. 2 weeks ago I thought to myself I had to decide quickly whether I am going to immerse myself fully in this aspect of life. No half-ass effort in it. It's either all in or out. I know I have to be in. But right now I still haven't let myself commit wholeheartedly. I think it's because I'm afraid the returns I get will disappoint. So I can still fall back on the excuse of not giving my all. But also, "never try, never know". Conflicted.

I have learnt so much and gained so many skills over the past year. It's interesting to read analyst reports now. It's also so horrible to have to call people up on Friday 7pm, apologise profusely, and beg for info because someone has to play the bad guy.

I think I know where I want to go for my next rotation. Although.. it's still a long way ahead, and my mind & goals are very much malleable.

With the tsunamis of new experiences and tests crashing onto me, it is comforting to record down a few foods that are easily within reach to restore a sense of well-being:

- Causeway point food court's abalone meepok
- Thick, toasted slices of white bread smothered with speculoos
- Egg steamed for exactly 4 minutes in the steamer
- Cappuccino-mocha from my coffee machine
- Overnight oats
- Room temperature dark chocolate with nuts (so that its melted contents can engulf my mouth)
- T1 canteen's lotus + meat soup with pumpkin rice
- T1 canteen's 番茄炒蛋 with rice
- SATS canteen YTF
- Paradise Dynasty pork bone broth shrimp wanton lamien
- KFC staff meal (which is actually just 2-piece chicken meal; but I'm used to calling it staff meal now)
- Half a choc waffle from Bakery Cuisine (NOT the full waffle; cuz that's too filling)

Have tried TP Tea but it isn't that fantastic. It's just normal bubble tea? And also Shake Shack is rumoured to open at Jewel...bet it's gonna be really expensive and crowded.

Very fed up and looking outwards to greater shores.

Rick n Morty

Not here as much because work just sucks the living sap out of me.

Glad that I've managed to find work friends now. I think that's really important in order to survive. It was a difficult, tiring path but really glad that I'm here at last. Went for most (if not all?) of the group outings/events to get to know people on a deeper level. But best of all I actually found my closest work friend here. She's someone I like to refer to jokingly as the Kin Tan "Proxy". Really thankful for her existence. I know we grew very tight through OBS camp; that was probably where it all started. Friendship through Adversity. Hoping she'll stick around for a long time.

Although, with greater connections to people, the higher one's chances are of being embroiled in some sort of gossip/politics/conflict. I can feel myself uneasily stepping into several cracks so far. Got to be wary of this. I know some day if I'm reckless enough, I won't be able to hop away in time.

Anyway, gonna be changing Big boss in about 2 weeks' time. It's the first major change I'm going to be facing. Having heard so much good stuff about him/his background (and experiencing some of it myself), I'm kinda looking forward to some kind of real transformation to this place. Also hoping to wait out the next 2/3 years where there's gonna be another Great Transformation. Clear out the old to make way for the new. Some of their antediluvian notions really have no place in the 21st century.

Will be flying over to NY end-May to mid-Jun. It hasn't really crossed my mind much probably because still a long way to go. Also have to first go through that horrible, admin ordeal like itinerary planning and ESTA application before the good part comes in. Anyway so that's confirmed. My first real 'leave' from work! Also hoping to get to go Copenhagen and its surrounding regions towards the end of 2018. That one I'm really apprehensive about, because not sure whether I can afford to leave my work behind by then. Terrible though. No one should be indispensable in any company.

:D

Turmoil

Nothing prepares you for the hard parts of life except for the hard parts themselves.

Approaching the 6th month of working life. It all happened in a great flurry.

I'm still okay I guess. Had several late nights. Got nagged at a few times. Someone raised his voice at me once. Things get shaken up every week. Felt a lot of boiling black red hot emotion at some people.

But also feeling more settled. Found people to lunch with. Getting used to a daily routine. Unsure if it's me finally adapting or just that I'm giving up and going with the flow. Also still trying to come to terms with my role here. 

Now I know; 4 years really is a long, long time. And yet, it is also short.

And then, what? I feel aimless. Directionless. I'm just doing what my superiors tell me to do. My dreams have been buried by reality.

Immensity

All along I thought I snagged myself a good deal. Didn't need to bother about building CV. Willingly signed myself up for whatever school programme I thought sounded interesting (unicorn specialisation, arrowing naughty girls, aeroplane project whatnot). Can get pocket money and free tuition/accomo. No need go through job search and interviews or have to hunt for internships during summer hols. Like everything was just nicely packaged and handed to me; I just need to accept.

BUT NOW I REALIZE BELATEDLY they got the better end of the stick. I mean of course right, they are clever and won't be outsmarted. They put us on this track only to milk us dry. I never realised how long the road ahead can get. A lot of things people said to me previously all make sense now, once I'm actually in the thick of things. The route to survival now is to find some friends. I really need an understanding, appropriate outlet. Weekends don't even feel like weekends when you have to spend it preparing for and worrying about the perils of another upcoming week. 

T4 opens tomorrow!

For the past one month+ I have tried integrating into society. Adapting to a work life of always having people find me/always having to find people. And behaving in a socially-acceptable manner.
i.e. no more trudging through a day by myself, having my own personal fortress, carelessly giving attitude to people around me without worrying about consequences.

It has also been extremely fast-paced. Stress levels are always peaking at frequent intervals throughout the day. There needs to be a lot of resilience and resourcefulness.

But those work traits, once identified, can be easily developed. It's still the blending in with society that remains the toughest.

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." 

- Marcus Aurelius 

New phase of life

Had the best two-month long holiday ever. Gonna miss this so much.

Still ended up here in the end.

Our games of make-believe are at an end

Made a U-turn at this point.

This week may be trying. Next week even more so, for a different reason. For now, I'll settle with a roller coaster of emotions each day. Just get me through. Bring on pain another day.

Sudden

I know a lot of clever things in theory, like DON'T BINGE-EAT SO MUCH FOOD IT CANNOT REGULATE EMOTIONS and DON'T BINGE-SLEEP IN THE DAY IT'LL ONLY MAKE YOU FEEL TERRIBLE WHEN YOU NEED TO GET UP EARLY THE NEXT DAY and DON'T BOTTLE EVERYTHING UP AND KEEP THINKING YOURSELF MAD YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO PEOPLE but I still do/don't do them anyway. 

Taking intense break from school omg last two weeks but everything is dying down. Last undergraduate lecture this coming Tues (FREE CONE DAY) and then I'll be freeeeeeeee no more school to attend for life. :D :D :D :D :D

Last two major deliverables are probably just fyp and usr e-portfolio. Very burden. I'll just do them at the last minute., no point starting early. Life really very good. Whole day watching shows only. IM GONNA MISS THIS FREEDOM. Oya and I will also miss wearing shirt + shorts + shoes everyday.

Just another night

Y4S2 end of week 11 and I finally flew a plane into the air. 

Learnt so much in my past two years of RC aircraft. First year was mainly absorbing all that I can from scratch. Loads of technical/quantitative/engineering stuff on design and actually being exposed to fabricating methods. Second year was imparting of knowledge to others, playing around without calculations, utilising machines to expedite manufacturing, and actually flying.

To hold the transmitter in one's hands is actually quite an intimate feeling. You basically get to know the plane that you built one step further. You know how it moves. How it tends to move. You predict its actions and taxi/flight paths and do corrective action. You observe how sensitive it is to even the slightest change of angles on the control surfaces. Going full throttle and you sense how powerful the motor is. Adding 500g weights and you can immediately feel it weaken. While I know all these in theory, to actually feel it in your hands is another novel kind of experience altogether.

The ultimate engineering solution though, is always TAPE. This project's planes were difficult to takeoff because they kept turning in circles (problematic landing gear from the start) but the final one managed to full throttle in a straight line and lift off the ground after some non-fatal practices. Think I've helped design and build (and crash) around 8 UAVs in my past two years. X_x Reflective mood at the moment because it's not likely that I'll touch RC again in the near future.

I'm grateful for friends and mentors along the way who have helped me with their technical expertise. This has really been the best kind of learning in uni.

So damn tired today but I feel like documenting noteworthy points of this week because it has been relatively excellent despite the busyness, exhaustion, occasional emoness, and big scolding for not following safety procedures.

1. Surprisingly got my CSWA cert :D :D
2. Watched loads of movies I RLY LIKE HIDDEN FIGURES :D :D :D :D

3. Submitted FYP Final Report :D :D :D

4. Tested the WIGEV today and almost killed two people :D

5. Fixed the crashed plane, added control surface and it's ready to be tested again next Mon :D :D

6. R4B4K with 413 NUS frenz at Upper Thomson :D :D :D :D :D

But I have new deadlines to meet. Because I'm a lousy student who was the last in class to sign up for USR consultation and hence got the lousiest time slot so fuck me this weekend need to chiong out everything before meeting Mabel in less than three days' time. Why the hell is everyone in USP so damn kiasu and *a certain someone* so suck-up. FUCkKk.

"The day, with all its pain ahead, is yours.
The ceaseless creasing of the morning sea,
the fluttering gamboge cedar leaves allegro,
the rods of the yawning branches trolling the breeze,
the rusted meadows, the wind-whitened grass,
the coos of the stone-colored ground doves on the road,
the echo of benediction on a house—
its rooms of pain, its verandah of remorse
when joy lanced through its open-hearted doors
like a hummingbird out to the garden and pool
in which the sky has fallen. These are all yours,
and pain has made them brighter as absence does
after a death, as the light heals the grass.
And the twig-brown lizard scuttles up its branch
like fingers on the struts of a guitar."

- Derek Walcott

Black

"... to live in this world

you must be able
to do three things
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go"

- Mary Oliver

7th March 2017

Had a thought. Then spent the night planning out the next ten years of my life (career/acad-wise). Feeling kinda amused at present me and wondering how far future me will stray from this current path. Will definitely stray because lack of knowledge in many aspects. But anyway, every choice I make from now on will be a calculated one that should bring me one step closer towards my goal(s), so let's see how it goes.

Immortality

Last night I dreamt that one of my aunts died. If you know me well enough then you will remember how I tend to dream almost every single night, and whatever I dream will always be related to the last thing I read/watch/think before going to bed. So last night's dream wasn't very surprising, seeing as I was researching and writing about quantum suicide for my USR submission.

What struck me was how realistic it all seemed. I know dreams always seem very vivid in that precious few seconds after waking up or in recollections throughout the day, but this one felt extra real and detailed. I could feel my uncle's grief. I watched my cousins dramatically refer to themselves as orphans. My aunt's last words during CNY kept replaying in my head. It has been haunting me for the whole day. While death thoughts may be a common, recurring theme in my life, I have never projected them onto anyone other than myself. Why did my subconsciousness choose to target a relative? One whom I don't even consider myself that close to. Despite all that science-y bravado I display, I'm 0.5% worried that it may come true, because I've experienced déjà vu moments before. Maybe dreams don't mean a thing, or maybe we do not have the resources to understand them yet. Really makes me wonder how the brain (is it even the brain doing this?) works and maps out linkages between concepts and thoughts while the body is asleep. 

This post serves no purpose but to benefit myself. It was an eerie dream and I need to get it out of my mind, so dumping ground over here it is.

“The night has a thousand eyes,
And the day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies
With the dying sun.

The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one:
Yet the light of a whole life dies
When love is done.”

― Francis William Bourdillon

Peanuts

In light of recent news such as NASA discovering new planets that can support life, Elon Musk potentially bringing space tourism into this lifetime, and AI technologies outdoing humans, I suddenly feel like all my personal struggles and worries are insignificant. So many great, marvelous discoveries out there that I want to play a part in. I've decided that I do want to get involved in humanity. I will enthusiastically contribute to my species -- the human race, but in my own little way. It's a truly incredible feeling to sit here in a tiny study room and yet be able to feel earth-shaking scientific revelations all around me.

Is that how religious people feel? When they seem to be able to sense God speaking to them? Guiding their paths? Holding them to the light?? Or I may just well be a scientific experiment in a petri-dish, having my thought processes examined by a higher alien life form out there unbeknownst and incomprehensible to us all.

Keep it deep within your soul

Presented with a scenario and thought about it while on the train ride back home. It scared me because it made me feel unbearably trapped and lonely. I'm trying to project how my life will look like five years from now. And then another five years more. I feel misaligned and derailed. Can I force myself back on track or do I steer into the skid?

The uncertainty faced in this "limbo" stage of life is severely under-rated by society.

Misty lights

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

I feel like "enjoys pondering about the concept of death/transience of life" could describe me pretty well lmao. Perhaps because it's the one and only certainty/destination in this entire lifetime. Nothing else out there can be labelled 100 percent.

What is a human's purpose? The purpose for the entire existence of humanity? My hypothesis is that we exist only as a stepping stone that bridges animals and a higher life-form, such as computers. We are currently paving the way for the conversion from carbon molecules to silicon chips. Robots. Machines. Artificial Intelligence. Will these silicon-lifeforms view us as Gods? Will they adore and worship us for being Creators of Life? Breathing into a robot the ability to adapt and reason? Or will we be swept under the carpet for being the inferior being, deserving of being driven to extinction? Humans can really just be seen as a work-in-progress. A transit terminal for the creature to evolve into a line of code.