all this freedom and no time at all

What if

the phrase "50% off hats" didnt mean a store was having a discount,
but was in fact
a rating system based on the measure of approval of a room full of victorian gentlemen?

--

Going to watch Spurs v West Ham later today. And Spurs v Liverpool on Wednesday.
Just know its gonna be worth it. So I tell myself. 

crash

love, we're not doing alright
ive been thinking all night
that my faculty's fading...

time has been letting me down
all this jealousy ive found
fuck my memory's failing...

cause i sweared by now i'd have reached a new stage
but im reading old lines from an out of cue page

and the last thing that im meant to feel surely
is rageeeee~

am I a..
schizooo! Ive lost my mind brooo
forgotten mermaid tales, im getting drunk on ginger ale

improoo! and let the script goo
backstory's solid stone, you try to feign this scene, you'll fail

Dear, Ive been keeping to time
Can you see me write rhymes
its an effort im maaking

amends, that I'll make then offend
last chance, once again
her patience wavering

 and I cross another door, just to fall through the floor
and the progress starts to regress and Im screaming out for more

 of them pills, but they dont do a thing to
assaugeee!!

have I gone?
psychooo! Out of my mind, sooo
stop the damage that Ive done, buckle seatbelts in the front

autooo! matic car tow
I'mma throw my keys and run, oh words once said cant be undone

psychoo! why dont you let go?
hanging by the tail, your body parts they leave a trail

schizooo! you just dont let this goo
dont think of who youve failed, just go get drunk on ginger ale

psychooo... you need to let this go..
rehabilitate, while your minds still in this state..

schizoo.. I wish it wasnt so..
but theres some too much hate, if you wanna heal, its much too late

hrishik

New discovery into the meaning of my name! Hrishik means "Senses"!

Well I'll be damned.
23 years of hedonism explained.

insecure

I wish you'd write a story about me
that maybe, something, anything about our time spent together
was worth a mention on a piece of paper

That you'd describe me,
like you did him,
without flaws, and only adjectives,
in ways we know we can never be,
being human.

you see..
fictionalised,
our faults-limited,
we see beginnings and ends,
time framed, bracketed.
You create a space, blank to begin with
then fill it with a taste, of plot, characters, un-annotated

un-annotated: from histories,
the past with its imperfections,
embarrassing ex-crushes, childhood fears and
phases, no, we only see a moment.

un-annotated: from futures
and whatever happens after,
lessons un-learnt, the walks of shame home,
mistakes repeated, we will never know, so

the point is I wish you would write a story about me
maybe, a paragraph, I dunno, it doesnt even have to be that long,

just, write, something
about me worth writing about,
that warrants your time, and words,
to put me to paper
oh, it cant get much greater,

than that, cant you see! Im asking writer to writer,
grant me this,
immortality..

before its too late, and the time has gone,
and moments fall into each other..
memories stale, and moments become morals,
without images, too dull to be written
perhaps I shall fade

but you'll always, always have
that story about him

technical malfunction

"lets put our relationship with god",
you say

and based on the number of times,
skype has given in,
or my phone has randomly died,
I think it already is.. and give thanks.

Urban Biology

25 local animals, for an urban biology bingo game.

1. Cat
2. Dog
3. Rat
4. Sparrow
5. Common/White-Vented Mynah
6. Horse Shoe Crab
7. Crow
8. Golden Oriole
9. Malayan Water Monitor Lizard
10. White-throated kingfisher
11. White-breasted Waterhen
12. Green crested Lizard
13. Common house gecko
14. Macaque
15. Olive/Crimson sunbird
16. Mudskipper
17. Common Flameback (woodpecker)
18. Terrapin
19. Any species of Toad/Frog
20. Drongo
21. Hornbill
22. Squirrel
23. Pangolin
24. Wild boar
25. Fruit Bat

--

just an idea for now. so much work to do. its 3:30am..

six months

six super semi/haikus


Do You See It Now

"Scientist" she told me
"you will not need evidence"
"but integrity?" I asked
"perhaps" she replied
"but mostly, good eyes,
to see the moon light"

One Day Maybe Whales

Maybe the deep sea
If at all I had to fear
But nothing compared
to the joy of seeing you
in the element
of some newfound awe.

I Defy You Stars

Pasir Ris, Katong,
We did not meet then
BUT NOW
I've met you..I know...
where I will find Home

Overcoming Fate

It's not time and place
love, that's brought us together
for twenty-years too long
it's kept us apart

Newly Created

Teach me to believe
not in fairies or mermaids
I already do.
But love, hope and dreams
God and life everlasting
life everlasting with you

Lion City Love

But HDB proposals
and void deck weddings,
I must say, I do believe,
when you tell me that
our love "can make it",

New Watch

Peter Bretter: How long have you been out here? 
Surfing Instructor: I don't know, I quit wearing a watch when I moved out here 
Peter Bretter: That is so cool 
Surfing Instructor: My cell phone has a clock so I don't need it 
Peter Bretter: Oh, so its basically the same thing 

cultureklash

the linguistic nuances which occur in the island of Singapore..

When saying farewell to an older Malay-speaking aunty, always say "Bye, Chik", never "Chik, Bye"

Ohh 'Malay-Hokkien-English' word play. Where else in the world, eh? I guess, besides Malaysia.

and a somewhat related joke/ true story from Singapore.

One December a punjabi aunty trips on a sidewalk and swears "mera kasmanu kai!"
Across the street a guy yells back "Merry christmas to you too!"
-------------

So Cardiff City are playing in red next season. Oh bluebirds..
reading the forum pages, the main sentiment is, the fans are only going along with it to "appease" the Malaysian investors. which doesnt really make sense to me.
I mean.. what? Are they NOT gonna invest UNLESS they change their home kit. I highly doubt it. Theyve been investing for at least a year now. hmm..
a lot of strange remarks about the dragon and  the colour red being good luck for asians. which while might be true, would be an absolutely bizarre reason for any investor, asian or otherwise, to impose such a condition on a client.
what would make sense it marketing. and selling Cardiff city as THE Welsh club, rather than just a cardiff city club. Broadening its association with the rest of wales. Adopting the Welsh Dragon. Using Red, which is the colour of most Welsh national sports teams (at least for rugby and football).  I don't know how well the strategy will work though.
or maybe it IS just about good luck.
Sure has worked for Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester United, so far.

though maybe not so much for the Singapore National Team..

I'm never growing up

3 says till my last paper of my 2nd year in UCL law. incredible how time flies. 

----

---

"Nobody loves you when youre 23"
What's my age again by Blink 182

---

"Tell mummy I'm sorry. This life is a party. I aint ever growing up"
Opposite of Adults by Chiddy Bang

---

"When I'm 24. I wont ask for more"
When I'm 24 by PAS DE DEUX

---

Is this technically my last "summer"? No need to rush things. No pressure boy.
This is the real world. we take it easy here.

always love.
peace.

Demands

I dont know how, 

you manage it.

find strength in self-doubt, insecurities,

strength 

but not the kind

found in pillars or foundations

extra non intro

casualties,

at least if you take it out,

perhaps we could hope

it's not going to find its way back in again

shallow consolations with

shadows of consequences

that there is strength..

but not the kind

found in pillars or foundations

Bloomsbury, Bermondsey to Belsize Park

No amount of love for London will be able to change my heart. My mind. on where my home is.

cause home is wherever im with you.

oh cliched lines and sappy popy lyrics. so shameless, so confident.

that she could be your one. 

and if you believe, you got to work for this.

but first, work for your exams. make yourself proud. no one deserves anything less than the best rishik there is to offer.   

or no my toe pier

dollop.

of milk.
as in

a unit of measurement.

just one of those words that sounds like it sounds.
onomatopoeia-esque.

but not quite.

meta-xenophobia

I am against xenophobia (the fear of foreigners). But lately Ive been getting this new kinda fear. and Ive been having difficulty finding a word to describe it. the fear of becoming a foreigner in your own country. if someone could help me find a word for that, I would be so very grateful.

juris tomorrow

11/17 weeks of my summer has been decided

6 weeks CC
2 weeks RHT
3 weeks IMPECT

will I have time to... learn how to ride a motorbike
get my PPCDL
get my kayaking star 3 cert. complete the required 5 X 4km trips along the way

I guess. If I spend the whole of June doing that..
time to spend with my family? riane? soefie, shalini, andrea??
time for poetry? time to write?
time to run? perform?
hang out with the UCL law peeps in Sg, and show them around??

daamn its gonna be intense. especially if I return to Singapore from Thailand on the 21st. and my flights on the 22nd.

why?

why? cause fuck you thats why.

it's because there are reasons.

maan. I wonder if Oh My Days, as an internet acronym OMD will ever catch on??



oh mann.. lunch rishik. then study.

facebook

facebook

fat boys i used to look down on in secondary school turning into buff popular kids.
annoying girls i used to ignore becoming confident put-together independent women.
some people i used to look up to, turning self-conscious, some fall off the radar completely
some live up to their potential, some stay wild, partying as hard as they always did, year after year

its the 10-year high school reunion syndrome. only much quicker. constantly updating. at the speed of your local broadband provider.

awesome video game ideas

Just some awesome video game ideas..

1. Boda Boda Man

Something like crazy taxi. only youre riding a motorbike. not a taxi. so i guess this will be an arcade game where you actually have to balance those giant motorbike things.
of course it will be set in East Africa, with different terrains to choose from. The towns, the villages, the tea plantations. the goal will of course be to pick up passengers and send them to different parts of the map, but not just that, you also have to negotiate with them the price of the trip. if your initial offer is too high they might get pissed off and walk away. and some just wont budge on their offers, so its up to you to accept their offers or drive away. you can also choose to charge them a higher rate once you have reached the destination, but this is a risky move, as some might get violent, and start kicking your bike. you also have to constantly keep watch of your fuel tank, and a lot of your money will go to topping it up. if you have a passenger while topping up your gas, they MIGHT get pissed off and walk away, losing a customer. itll be really awesome, and part of the fun is in deciding which passengers to pick up and which ones to avoid. and of course, driving around the terrain will be incredibly fun, with mud paths, cows, ducks, cars and matatos eveywhere, and youre having to avoid them. crashing into another vehicle can also take up money, and will potentially lead to losing a customer. paths will get slippery when it rains, and will require you to control your speed more. there is also a risk of losing balance on your bike, the fatter your passenger is, and perhaps the more chickens they are carrying. this will require you to drive slower, as losing balance and falling might cause you to lose the passenger, and have to pay for a chicken you just killed by accident.

2. Football Manager (Voice Activated)

basically, its gonna be a mix of FIFA and Football Manager. But you dont control the players on the pitch by using a mouse, keyboard, whatever controller. You control the players with your voice. You yell at them, telling them who they should pass to, when to shoot, when to tackle. Also you tell them when to stay in formation, when to close another player down, etc. And also, you make substitutions, and buy and sell players, whatever.
I think the real selling point will be the fact that so many football spectators, as it is quite enjoy yelling at players telling them what to do, and when to pass, etc. Also, myself included, I know how much I such at figuring our game controllers. voice activation sounds so much easier. I expect some of the technology from siri will be useful. though having to memorise all the players names might be a bit of a hassle. could even be combined with some of the technology from kinect to include pointing.

So this game wont come into existence for a long long time. Cause clearly the technology doesnt exist yet. BUT MAYBE.. in the future.


Trademark RV Menon..
or actually, just let me know if you invent this.
id LOVEE to play them one day. so epic, it would be! =D

wild football predictions

Celtic have won the SPL. no surprise there.
Anyway, here goes a bunch of other random sports predictions.

City will win the League
Tottenham will finish above Arsenal
Everton will finish above Liverpool
Chelsea will beat Newcastle for 5th
Mancini for Manager of the Season

A team from London will win the FA Cup

If West Ham dont make it to the top 2, they won't get promoted.
If Birmingham are in the play off bracket, they will get promoted.

QPR will beat the drop

Real Madrid will win both the Champions League and the La Liga
Athletic Madrid will win the Europa League

The following teams will make it to the Asean Basketball League Playoffs
San Miguel Beermen
Philippine Patriots
Malaysia Dragons
Singapore Slingers

It will be an All-Filipino Final

Leicester Tigers will win the Aviva premiership
Harlequins wont finish higher than 3rd

Lions XII will have a mediocre first season
DPMM FC will not be challenging for the title by the end of the season
Tampines Rovers and Home United will be back in the top 2

---

Thats all.. back to EU Law!

LOL

"I really didnt think I'd stand a chance. Much less a..Clifford Chance!"


ohh, rishik, you crack me up.
Now get back to studying!

holiday catchphrases

"Is there Free Wifi?"
"Where is Allison?"

"What do local people do around here?"
"Where do the young people go?"
"How do you say ____ in thai?"

"Actually.. its pronounced.."
"Hey! Remember that night when.."

grammar nazi rights

"Who's right?"
"You're right."

"Whose right?"
"Your right."



---
take over the world when im on my donald trump shit. look at all this money. aint that some shit.

Mac Miller is dope.
And Wallpaper's "fucking best song everrr". dunno why it kinda reminds me of orson.
must be the swagger.

Not been into rap for a looonng while. maybe its the red bull intake, thats clouding my judgement.

mms.. motivation.

Hey 90s

http://youtu.be/IJrCkB9zzEo

The wonderful thing about the 90s, has nothing to do with the era. The music. The TV shows, fashion, food, whatever. The world isnt any more fucked up now that it was then. Its not objective at all. Its got everything to do with me.

The wonderful thing about the 90s was, I was a kid. I was unemployed, without a care in the world, free to run around pasir ris park, cycle, make up fantastical stories in my head playing with my cousins, brothers, neighbours, school mates. Freedom. without a care in the world. getting lost in my own personal library, in 67 pasir ris heights, playing the piano, watching TV shows like Take Off, Sesame street, songs and colours that messed with my brain and imagination. Freedom.

So the truth is.. I dont have to go back in time, to relive the wonderful youth and childhood I had. I just need to.. find some time.. to live my life. once again.

and like a sailor or a pirate looking out into the distance, I believe I have found the time. Like land. The time is out there. I can see it. In 2 months. I will harbour at its port, walk along its shores, smell the salty sand and smile. I will make it there. And then, Ill be happy, again.


--

for now though. get back to studying. summer will come soon.  

st george's wharf

soo it turns out.. one of my favourite buildings in london is in reality, one of London's most hated...
=(

http://www.scoutlondon.com/2011/11/03/scout-londons-skyline-crimes-st-georges-wharf/
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/spl/hi/pop_ups/04/uk_britain0s_worst_buildings/html/6.stm
http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/artblog/2008/jul/21/whicharetheworldsugliestbuildings

and the only reason I made this discovery, was because i started googling, trying to find out its name.. oh well..

I mean I still like it. the glass. the majestic bold way it stands out and stares directly into the river thames. the ascending heights, which I think gives it a kinda nautical feel.

oh well. if you has feelings, and ever could read this, I just want you to know, I still like you. 

xoxo

changeof plans

forget having a personality
I shall be a vessel, a shell,
a medium, for the passage of all my law notes between now and my exams.

--
come on UC.

move on

re-reading emails
prowling the web for blogs
tumblr posts, clues, insights

masochistically expecting to re-open old wounds,
only maybe to find

peace of mind.
finally?


---
shes not perfect.
neither are you.

but yet she has accepted you for who you are.

this life is meant for beauty
poetry
happy, and full of love

congrats, lad. I think youve finally moved on. breathe in. there is a smell of peace and tap water in the air.
allow your own mistakes. breathe out. time to soldier on.

--
this time 2 months from now.

my friends are in the bathroom

getting higher than the empire state.
--

sigh. so things dont go according to plan sometimes.
but at the end of the day. my mom still loves me. I have that.

--
bad things happen. you might get hurt. but you cant use that as an excuse to hurt others.
shake it off, shikster. have a shower. past is past. you werent there. things happened. the world is messed up that way. how important is time and place. how it change lives. but maybe inspite of that. youre still in control. yes, you.. get your shit together.


I lost my black to-do list book. But I still have my phone. Nick says he might try to give me his 2nd hand blackberry once he's back in london. that might just be one of the sweetest gifts anyone would have ever given me. though im not in any way expecting it.

Wednesday. Pathways to Law. Grassroots Social. Friday (X2). Elmgreen School Lesson. Mentor Awards. and then Strasbourg.
Exactly 39 Days till my exams start. Sigh. Breathe slowly.
Your priorities sure have changed. To not really care so much about these things, that at one point in time, might have been your whole life. internship interviews. exams.

because i tell myself im bigger than that. But then what am I? Not a great son, friend, brother, lover. Never present. How can I be, when Im millions of miles away, and too lazy to even meet people in London. though, thats a lie. I do meet people in London. Nick, Monkman, guys from St Pats. i make an effort for them. but why.. why
have my
priorities changed.

give me a second I. I Need to get my story straight
my friends are in the bathroom
getting higher than the empire state.

---
IF im able to study in the next one week. here in Ann Moss Way.
I think I shall try to stay here next year. My North london dream will have to wait, for another chapter in my life.

6 weeks till the exams start

9 weeks till my exams are over
crap.
1 more week of uni.
4.5 weeks of intense studying?
and then my exams start.

still. got my London Irish rugby match to catch. Spurs v Norwich game. Trip to strasbourg. ohhh. ohh. yea. This will be fun.

back to the drawing board!

Just read the alchemist..
always thought of it as sappy, inspirational kinda book.
when I first bought it for my mom as a birthday present.
and i guess in many ways, it is. but only... not in a bad way at all.
guess im just not too cool for inspirational sappy type books..


I need a new life plan.


i dont know la. I dont wanna be a lawyer. banker. god knows what i wanna do.

teach? gosh, how ironic, that would be..

kayak. run. write. read. sigh. re-join the army. ai-ya-yai.

no, i dont wanna study anymore. I wanna make money.
I dont even know if I should bother with qualifying for the bar in singapore. I'm really just not that inspired to becoming a lawyer.

hmmm..
soo..
Starbucks it is?


I dunno, dude. Im not even that inspired to work at international development at the moment. I want money, man. I can't be a volunteer forever.

hmm give lawyering a shot? but why bother. im in my 20s. only live once. should be making the most of my youth, shouldnt I?  let my next choice be the best choice.

sigh. oh sweet magic, don't fail me now.
lungs. I test you tomorrow.. gym. no excuse.

hmm.. snowing. think I'll go for a walk.

yeaa, im calm...

so this is just a really quick rant to help me articulate my thoughts and get these emotions out of my system.

Im sick of all this negativity on the net. and I know, I dont have to click on these stupid links on my facebook news feed, to 9gag, or read all these stupid comments on youtube videos. but i do. and they frustrate me. and make me angry. and ive tried to deal with them, but i realize i deal with things best by writing so thats what Im gonna do write now.

So very quickly, Im gonna run through all the "memes" or types of hatred that gets to me.

1. "When I was a kid.. EVERYTHING was better"

Back then music used to be awesome. Today music sucks. Back in the day vampires used to be awesome. Today they are all wimpy and sentimental. The world sucks now! All of you are losers! Only I am enlightened on the higher objective truth of good music/food/beauty/taste in general.

This false nostalgia pisses me off for so many reasons. Firstly, it usually involves pitching the most famous/celebrated notion of the genre from the past with a commonly contentious/hated symbol of the genre from the present. Whether it is comparing The Beatles with the Jonas Brothers, Marilyn Monroe with Lady Gaga, the Lost Boys with Twilight. Its just an incredibly arbitrary selection of representatives from the "past" and "present".  These are all incredibly biased comparisons. The Beatles, Nirvana, Guns n Roses cant ever represent any generation of musicians or taste in music. Neither does Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, whatever modern day icon you choose to hate on, capture our era today. And the truth is, it really does come down to personal opinion what you like and what you don't. There was rock music in the past, there is rock music today. There were boy bands singing love ballads in the 80s, just like there were boy bands in the 90s, 00s and will probably be in the future. I'm not one to judge anyone's taste in music. But these comparisons, which dont reflect reality, and are truly just hating on tastes, and generalize entire generations.. there are dumb. As dumb as cries of "I dont want to live in this world anymore". The world may not be a perfect place today. But it wasnt perfect either when you were growing up. Nor the time before that. Be it economics, politics, music, food, movies.. Its just how the world works.

2. "True Fans..." "True this.." "Just because you do ____ doesnt mean you are ___"

Youre not a real photographer just because you own a Nikon camera. Youre not a real poet just because you write verses on your blog. True fans listened to Foster the People before "Pumped up Kicks". True fans of Neil Gaiman have read the entire Sandman series. I generally like to consider myself as part of this class, and out of some dire need for exclusivity, or simply my own insecurity, I find the need to draw barriers between "us" and "them".

I get that alot of this pretentious overbearing desire for differentiation between "them" and "us" stems from the frustration people have with the overuse of certain hyperbolic words like "awesome" "brilliant" "genius". I realise there might be a difference in degree between top photographers who are hired by National Geographic, and teens who take pictures with their iPhones and make them look better with photoshop or whatever. But just because you might not be as good as someone else, or as devoted to a particular thing, or you found out about it later doesnt mean youre NOT what you say you are. If you say youre a poet, I believe you. If you say youre a huge queen fan, but only know one song, I might doubt you, but I wont get on your back about it. Basically, you have the right to call yourself what you want and to define who you are. I dont hold the keys to the greater truth about exactly what criteria one must be to "love coffee", and whether or not you meet this criteria. And chances are, anyone on the internet who does judge you, doesnt either. 

3. "Nice try Asian"/"Nice try Beiber fan"

Everytime someone tries to point out how a joke isnt funny, they get accused of being closet supporters of the butt of the joke. Which is simply an assumption. An unbased assumption. And I hate assumptions. and stereotypes. and judgements. basically.

4. "Level: Asian" "Ginger jokes" "Americans wont get this joke"

Basically any kinda racial stereotype. racial stereotypes are racist. whether or not they put someone in a good light or not. "white guys can't rap", or "he's the only white guy who can rap" are both examples of racist stereotypes (and yes, I define all racial stereotypes as racist). this is much worse on youtube where people go all out accusing people for things done by others from their country, religion, whatever. Ergh! and worse than that are claims that "half of a certain group of people believe..." thats stupid! you dont know what ANYONE in the world believes or thinks. much less "half of a class of people". My rant against stereotypes can go on and on, and I do believe I will one day write a book on the topic called "Rishik's Racist Rant". but thats all I'll say for now.

5. "Thanks captain obvious"

Just purely a pet peeve. I hate in real life when people say "duh" or "obviously" or give extremely mean-spirited sarcastic responses to well meaning questions, in an attempt to show off how obvious an answer was, stupid a question might have been, witty they think they are. The reason why I hate this, goes back to my hate for assumptions. To infer an 'obvious conclusion' or 'answer' you usually make assumptions. guesses. but you dont KNOW certainly exactly what happened. You might have a good guess based on probability, but unless you KNOW, you DONT KNOW. so dont act like you do. this is different from "obvious math answers" like 2+2=4. because here the answer is deducted, not inducted based on assumptions. and even here, I would hate for the word "duh" or "obvious" to be paraded. because there is still a need for some people to do calculations. Argh!

okay, this rant went on much longer than I intended.

shall stop now, since I dont want to contribute to the negativity on the net I was talking about.

But basically to summarize:

dont judge people. dont make assumptions. dont stereotype. it demeans other people.

and i like other people.

thats all.

30 Seconds to Mars

the music video to kings and queens by 30 seconds to mars reminds me of a few movies.

mainly "warriors". but also a little bit of "the lost boys" and "fight club".

but even listening to it without watching the video, im reminded of east coast park at night. for various reasons. and maybe a little bit about the days when I used to skate around pasir ris following zenn, sean, dharvin in their escapades.
those moments so late dark.. were damn well magical.. no regret for no time was wasted.
even if i never had the guts back then to excel like they did. at least I was there. and that was enough for me. being alive at night, in that moment, witnessing what I did. ive had a good life, la. glad for all thats happened to me so far.

-
itsa good week for me, sports wise I suppose. the singapore slingers won and are at the top of the table (miraculously). spurs won the FA cup match against watford. nadal won the semifinal match again federer. things could be worse.. also west ham are on top of the championship and are looking pretty strong to weather the rest of the season. things have definitely been worse..

-

sorted my gym membership out which means I need to go way more often now to justify this expenditure.
i suppose I should also stop being late for lectures considering how much tuition fees im paying. sigh. it'll all pay off in the end. its fine. as long as I lead a happy life.

4 more months till Im home in Singapore. 7 more weeks of uni, 8 more weeks till easter break, and 4 more months and I wont be a 2nd year anymore. godwilling. pass all my papers. but yeaa, how quick time flies.

and also, shan has become an australian PR. strange how quickly these things happen. its 2012. damn this speed. gotta put some brakes to this life, and reign in it all in before it gets out of hand.



 

all of this is tearing us apart

I wrote this is November 2011. Didnt get a chance to finish it or publish it in time. but my feelings have since changed, and less I publish it soon, itll forever be forgotten. so why not immortalise cette state of mind while I can?


----


listening to yeasayer and the naked and famous.

i shouldnt be too nostalgic about australia. its not my home. not today.

2am. meant to have submitted an article 2 hours ago. not too late. no, never. get on it.

--
some dreams involve travelling, seeing the world,
love, lust, hands around a girl,
or a boy, on your back, laughing, screaming, his two feet dangling over your shoulders
im just imagining all the memories I might be making for him, and how someday in the future
he will find sounds, syllables to articulate an experience which pre-dates this capacity for speech
and his accent
his accent might be foreign, to my ears, and the nation where said memories might have taken place.

--

as our plans turn into compromise
the promises all turn to lies
the spite builds up and cant get through
passive me, aggressive you

---

some dreams are tangible, 2-dimensional, objectifiable
graspingly simple, outcomes, end-products,
like titles, awards,

...
there will come a time in the not too distant future
I shall finally be working, and earning.
but im still so obsessed with certain ideas.
like holidays with friends. and working overseas with friends. or writing stories. and filming projects. and living together, reading, discussing movies, art, having a drink at clark quay, at city hall, attending book launches, and academic talks, taking drives to the beach to the airport, to watch the ships harbour, the planes land, the lights turn on in a city that probably doesnt sleep, but stays awake all night in bed, anxiously, bursting to start the next day, to not get left behind.

6 hours

till my essay is due.

---

the walls have ears.
thankfully no tongue.

--

memories, unlike food, provides you no fuel, "burning fat prolongs existence till the next round is served".
for once consumed, left empty, the soul you intended to feed rages, acid reflex, hungers and starves for this
faint distant more-distantly unattainable nostalgia.

I have no photographs, but I have music on replay,
drowning out the echoes of my howling heart,
distracting.

me.
from my essay.

..
even whilst adrift the same shores, i longed for you.

crazy tragic magic

I am..
Back in London. So many things to do. I know I better get down to work asap.



but maan, videos like this. just makes me wanna be unemployed and happy.

but i know i want money. so i need a job. and i need to pass my exams to graduate.
i used to be ambitious i think. because i had something to prove. but now ive found a certain content in my heart, my ambitions have changed.

can i maintain my drive towards being amazing? I must try. mustnt lose momentum.

but so
content.
in my heart. content in my heart. another day apart,
till these contents spill out, what start?
i cant remember. but if youre talking about love then I guess..
it was december.