I realise now, what I miss most about being in St Pats and in TJ was having an identity, which was defined for me by other people.
An identity I embraced and cherished.
It was that spirit of peer-based endorsement, so loathed by the Fountainhead, that gave me some strange sorta purpose or joy in life.
Kay I take that back. Not purpose. But definitely a cheap thrill.
I dont know how or when it happened, but this concept of being mature or growing up has found a bad taste in my mouth, and new worries have started dominating my life.
One being money.
The other, most irritating of all, is girls.
This may start to sound cheesy, but I really doubt I ever had a problem with girls before. I was never the desperate sort. I was always comfortable either by myself or with someone else. If I fell for a girl, I generally fell for one, for long periods of time too. And even then it never really consumed my personal life, or who I was. There would also be random crushes, who I would joking gush about to my friends, or talk of, as an amusing opener into the topic of my romantic incompetence.
But suddenly I was in the army, and suddenly I was single. It was cool for a while, but the environment eventually got the better of me. I was forming new crushes, and just as efficiently forgetting them. With almost nothing else to look forward to, it was almost exhausting. I couldn't take it, not having anyone to share my life with. This sick obsession grew concurrently with another demonic desire, this sudden need to be "cool".
And the game went on. Clubbing. Looking for girls. Spending money on the most ridiculous of manners. It was fucking exhausting. And I couldnt keep this game up of trying to be what someone else wanted me to be.
I couldnt keep up. But it was still in me. This psychotic desperation, this quiet possibilities, whispers bouncing off mirrored walls, like a positive feedback loop, intensifying in agony and madness.
My best distractions were running and writing. But it was never enough. I tried photography, but even that wont do for the long run. Without getting to the root of the problem, I will always lapse in judgement to the beast, and drunk text messages will escape my rationality, like it did last weekend.
So if becoming despo is the symptom what then is the virus.
And I believe Gita might have caught the essence of it, though I doubt she would have realised.
Its loneliness.
If anything, loneliness and solitude is the cause of my current malady.
My need for friendship so gluttonously satisfied in St Patrick's and again in Temasek, kept me sane, and allowed me to admire beautiful girls, and fall in love (two mutually exclusive activities) at my own time and pace.
In all honesty, I was unpopular in the army. I never really fit in. I barely did in BMT, kinda got a better grasp of things in SISPEC, and then lost touch in OCS, and later on in my unit.
And really then, was it not during this time in my life, when companionships become so scarce that I worked doubly hard at finding the next best thing?
With this equation now worked out, in hand, for our disposal, the assumed next step is, how do we stop it?
Frankly my dear, I really dont know.
Its not like Im gonna go out of my way to make loads of friends. You cant force those things. I mean look at my time in the army. Some people just clique, while others dont. Sometimes you find your kind. Your soul sister, as Train might say. In my case, Im just gonna have to be natural and take things at their own time.
Well.. Tahan la. Tahan this slight period of loneliness. And keep my lapses of judgement in check.
I suppose some things are just beyond us. I suppose what I need to do, is remind myself, I am not ready for a relationship, and that what I REALLY want are my friends back. I miss them all, and I want them all back. I need that schedule in life, I need activities, I need my release outlets and most importantly I need my mates.
So wake up, now buddy. Its a new week. Lets start this life on the right foot.
You know what I mean.
Do your laundry, clean the dishes (even if its not yours! I know you hate it when other people dont! But relax.. it's all gonna be alright.. great Im talking to myself.. on my blog.. which really isnt that bad, when you think about it...anyway where was I? or right) write your essay, finish your poem, make lunch, go to facebook and wish people "Happy Birthday!", then stop procrastinating and mail out those letters to Soefie and Riane and Sara and everyone else you were supposed to keep in touch with. Be a true friend rishik.
Not some half fuck asshole, who only cares about himself.
Be a true proper friend and make yourself worthy.
You cant force anyone to fall in love with you.
But you can make yourself easier to fall in love with.
Yeap. Thank god for plastic surgery and alcohol.
..kidding kidding!
But on a different note. Ive gotta give up on this caffeine. And finish Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses.
