DFTBDFTBDFTABA

Tis Official. the offer from UCL. 

.

The weathers been insane lately. But it rained today. 

And I wont say it made my heart sing. 

But rainy Sundays at home always lift my spirits.

--

You know what else is cathartic? Taking the MRT at 5 or 6 in the morning. 

and staring into the clouds. 

Especially if the journey takes you from Pasir Ris to Pioneer. 

yes its true. Id pick coffee over alcohol anyday.

Sad how fast days fly by. 

But we do the best we can in this sleepless city

and we got the soul to play the part of soldiers..

for 2 years at the very least.

--

And one last thing before I go

Pop Song by Jon LaJoie

"Hey, baby, baby, I can tell 
That you are crazy crazy
Shake that ass, girl
My rhymes are getting lazy, lazy
These things I'm talking bout have
Nothing to do with the song, baby
But it don't matter 
Wont you show me that thong, baby"

--

Im off.

Doubling Back Now: The rant

Disclaimer. Good way to start: I have nothing clever to say.

Not that I ever did. Though I loved to pretend at times that I spoke

wiser than I intended. And maybe intuition and gut genius could

lead me to greatness.. or at the very least popularity, fame,

and lots of friends. But the whole charade is just leaving me very

tired at the moment, and Id rather not pretend to be witty or the like.

But I do know this. Im sincere. When I shoot its from the heart. 

When I hate its cause im hurt. When im irreverent its not out of 

a desire to rebel but a sense of injustice and honest disregard. 

Simple regretless, lack of respect which I plainly believe is undeserved.

I may not be straightforward. I may love my playful lies to unhealthy

extents. I beat around the bush, and encrypt and euphemise my language

for fun and even for concern. But i dont care what anyone says. Im a nice

guy. And I know its true. If I mean well, I know I do. If i butter up and flatter

its cause its a fucking delight to. Even when I fall into the lows of

hateful sarcasm the dichotomy of my options are straightforward. 

Apology or honesty.

But I really dont know how I came to this. To talk so much about myself. 

Am i being defensive? I dont know. Is this what it feels like to be defensive.

Defenseless. Its a possibility. Nonetheless its not what I thought I would write

when I first turned on my computer. I had something else in mind. Something

that went more along the lines of this...

---

"Rishik why arnt you seeing anyone at the moment"

The reply I wish I had the sense to say: "Im still not ready"

Im afraid if I stay near anyone for too long, Id fall hopelessly for her.

Its a risk.. 

I dont like to think about. 

But i have thought about this.

This is exactly what i didnt want to happen. Where you dont even know

how to act like a friend anymore. Stone and cold and silent and lousy. 

You start to make a farce out of communication and affection. 

This is exactly what i didnt want to happen. Where maybe your afraid 

that any sign (any sign!) will end up being the wrong sign. So you become

signal-less, and redundant to my life, and I might as well go punch a wall

cause at least Newton's law is kind enough to give me that basic love

of reaction that all matter is entitled to.

I have not thought this through very much yet.  

that is quite true.

But you know my life isnt that bad.

Im running quite happily. I got my IPPT Gold. Im running the Sundown.

Im in the CSSCOM Team for the army half marathon.

Ive passed my BTT. My plans to get my driving licence are on track.

And I have confidence in my plan to get my powerboat licence too.

I still read. I still write songs. I still play my guitar. I still watch plays.

I still go back for drama. Im even serious about taking my interest 

in photography to the next level. I still go for long walks at night. 

---

But that shit doesnt comfort me anymore.

Not like it used to. 

So rishik-the-ever-troubled finds something new to be sad about?

Wrong. No. Not like that at all.

Maybe the distraction of personal-development has finally stopped 

working. And the root problem that was always there simply...

remains...always there.      

Bingo. Hammer on the nail sherlock/einstein/batman.

So I guess Ill just go now and give our lives some time.

We always need a little more time. 

But not to get over it. and grow apart. 

I pray you dont stick to foregone conclusions.

maybe just to give me a chance. 

But not all of us are acceptable with giving chance. 

And thats eating me as Im thinking all this.

The truth that people hate to be wrong, and would rather change 

themselves and their own mind. Just to stay right. 

Its so sad. But hard to admit. And even harder

for me to accept. But well...dear.. if you do change.

I hope its not born out of any poorly-formed notion

of doing me any so-called favour to help me move on. 

---

Lord thank you for the strength to stand at all. 

Thank you for the love that cradles my fall.

Thank you for the courage to keep me valiant and true

Please forgive me for my sins, if I know not what I do.

A quiet prayer, I first uttered when I was 14, walking home from school.

I used to utter it everyday. 

Until it got to the point when I was 17 and all I could say was 

"thank you. give me strength. thank you. thank you. 

and please give me strength."

Because life was so beautiful and I didnt know if it could get any better. 

If life can get any better. Hmmm. I know I have my doubts.

My Atha has passed away, But I still believe in love.

So Im just gonna give it some time. And hope. 

And thank god ive had the strength, to stand this all.

when music doesnt help

"I got the message long before you said you knew
There was no chance of us at all"

My Favourite Accident
by motion city Soundtrack

"Why cant I feel anything for
anyone other than you.."

Cute without the e (Or cut from the team)
By Taking back Sunday

"and I cant stop pretending
that your forever mine"

Dressed to Kill
A New Found Glory

arial size ten

maybe im falling apart
by rishik

Just give me 4 years in advance
to make amends
to what ive done
i cant pretend
that I wont try
to make things worse..

OH! to see things work
out all for you
its not a phase
that I am willing to
go through right now
I need for you to huurrt..

listen to my lies
and bad advice
you know how much
I dont think twice
about the sad and tragic
build of consequence

I dont have a plan
just my heart in hand
and a misplaced sense
of wrong and jealous pain
yet tonight you'll see me
give it all its worth

~

but didnt you already know it?
talked like you knew it all along
and if your surprised, well you dont show it..
and i cant be fucked to prove you wrong.

~

Im kidding time
to play forgiveness
as if Im big enough
to live this wave
of crashing dreams and
false memories to the deep

its my fault again
that i keep relent-
lessly pursuing downright ends
with painful courses
god wont allowed this
to repeat

~

but I guess I already knew it...
that you dont love me anymore
and if you do, well you dont show it..
and it hurts to think you wont prove me wrong

Time to Field

Time to Field the Bench
by Rishik (otherwise known as Dee Wy)

I sit there next to you
you crying, not me, you see
i see time aflying, although
you know, I have places to go
I sit there, unsure
next to you, you crying.
Some stare, as I smile
Im just awkwardly trying
to find a space that is more
than less accurately depicting,
my role, who knows
how i was cast in this setting
where I sit there, sincerely lost
as you sit there, so-simply crying.
I'm late, I hope you know
But you just sit there crying
your forgiven i guess,
your allowed to be uncaring
to my needs, and my appointments
and my discomfort of placing.
Girl, dammit, I got to go
But you sit there, crying.
still I can't leave you, on your own,
No not while your sitting there,
make up running.
I wonder if its necessary,
my patient, hesistant precence
cause come on your on the phone
not that thats an excuse
to take my absence.
rude to leave without sayin goodbye
rude to interupt when people cry
is it rude to sms, while im standing by
is it rude to buy some custard puffs
its looking good enough to try.
I wonder how we look,
side by side. as we sit here.
you crying.