you find time when you make it

Pioneer, Martyr, Armchair Extraordinaire
by Rishik Menon



And man was born to dream
Cause life was made with strife
How suitable for the everyman
Cant possible be denied. But
His visions could not fit, it seemed,
Alas! Larger than life!


---
Its just you and me, now, old man
by Rishik Vijay Menon



You taught me,
(being a teacher and all)
that dreams and life
need not be
so separated
as jacket on a book,
as cap on a pen, or
as heart to the hand
or rather; you penned
onto me
the simple notion,
belief, that both
dreams and life
were meant to compliment
each other
(jackets and hats off)
like ink off the letters
off words off the pages.
cause either simply didnt
make as much sense without
the other, and rather
than compromise
with pages wanting writing
and a life of something missing
cut the losses from
the get go, and let go
of fiscal ambition
that leads the hand on
to the endless listless
dictate of hollow penmanship
lines after pines
after lines
after lines.



and so you planted
(being a gardener and all)
those amorphous seed cones
of a hope of a vision
to keep my dreams
fastened to what space
my life may have led
me to, and ride on those pages
of white flurry in such an
indistinguishable blur
that no one may be the wiser
as to which image was meant
for what metaphor,
and when did the dream end
and where the life began.
and what a prospect that
was to be indeed.
oh what a prospect
and how extreme.


but You dared to fail
(being a maverick and all)
and rode out against a world
where the words
'paper chase' bears a
meaning unlike of
that held by you or I.
but thats really besides
the point, and the views
of 600 mean next to nothing
to the fact of inspiring
the life of one child.
and you dared do that too.
so, while the others
became too busy
laying their flat A4
sheets and mask
to cover their
crude reality
like the face paint
of the geisha
you sought for something
of an unpretentious
answer, and rather than
diverting, decided to
breathe life and magic,
to the sweat and breeze
of your childhood and
honest tales and escapades
were spun and dyed with such
quick wit and local colour,
that I grew up learning to see
that the beauty and charm
that had surrounded the
worlds of foreign fiction
had a home in my life too.
and such a mixture of
the morbid with elegance
the wry with magniloquence
that the boldness of your
expression scarred an impression
and legacy of a life
that was meant to be lived
into what i knew i had to do.


you had it all
and you had scarcely
even begun.
but instead
you gave me everything
(being a father and all)
and i can never ask
for anyone more
and all i can do is say im thankful
and im really thankful
for all that you are.

---

the argument

they want us to bring a breathe of fresh air to teaching.

they want something new.
something exciting and dynamic.

and they want to keep the talent they have.



but they wont let me study law in UCL because.....

law isnt a teaching subject. hell no.
not even its value and rigour in critical thinking, argument deconstruction and analysis (which is relevant to, I dont know, KI, GP, english, literature) can make up for the fact that its a "professional degree".

but we'll let you study journalism? which isnt a professional degree?

and even then isnt that the whole point of going back to NIE. to learn the subject we shall eventually teach?

I guess the diversity of the background of your BA doesnt count for much in MOE.



except they still let you come to nie to learn how to teach english with a degree in law. just now through a scholarship... Ahhh...

so its not a matter of relevance i guess?? more a matter of the scholarship. but why is the scholarship so special? the cost!


wait. no. a law degree cost as much as any degree in arts in the UK. The time spent? Nope. wrong again. entering the bar? well you dont HAVE to enter the bar you know. so whats the big deal then... whats the big deal MOE....


i guess at the end of the day its the fear that Ill run away with my law degree to go practice law instead of teach. but wtf. isnt that the point of the bond? to show my willingness to commit. to show that im serious about the job.

Sigh. you just CANT trust scholars these days. really cant tell what goes through their minds.



so we restrict the choices, for our future leaders, and cross our fingers hoping they will want to stay with us. we limit the same type of people to enter the profession, and pray that they will be some change, and that our education may become more diverse, dynamic, vibrant...



i dont even want to do law thaaat much. its just disturbing how inflexible and narrow minded such conditions can be. and to think these are the people they have encouraged me my entire schooling life to challenge possibilities and think outside the box. this is what i call the grand irony.


but for the record, you cant compare law to medicine.
A) the cost
B) the number of years
C) practioners as a percentage of people who study the course

not everyone who studies law becomes a lawyer. large numbers enter business, politics and other careers. and the reason why people dont mind studying law and not being lawyers is because of the cost and numbe rof years they spend studying it. its not like wasting a half million dollar education and 5 years of your life on a medical education and then deciding to start a restaurant. its just NOT the same.


but my argument is lost, i can see. the government will not relent. its a sacred cow, he says. never been done before. never will they let someone study law or medicine on a scholarship...

except for the SAF, which is alot more open and flexible about such matters. though the relevance of reading law in being a platoon commander sure begs a hell lot more questions than to being a teacher.


ah well.

bookmarks of cloud

the thing about warfare and soldiering, is that unless you have every actually been part of the training and experience, it is almost impossible to understand the sheer grit and mental determination required to execute every manoeuvre, every formation, every operation. down to the last man, the pressure is equalled, and together, there is shared pain that is endured just to gain the slightest edge over the opposition, or bring about the most minimal reduction in the margin of error. it is painful, and it is melancholic, and it is one of the few occupations I can think of, where the potential for loss far outweighs any meagre gain; but yet, for the precious nature of that gain, they will still fight, and train and risk that much. because it is worth that risk. because it is worth fighting for.



and it is from this train of thought, i started to rationalise the elaborate and over the top grandeaur which militaries often pour into their ceremonies and parades.


because it is the only way and only chance for the public, or the non-soldier class, to come even vaguely close to understand the honour and pride that there is to fight. they who watch the parades will never know the suffering and mental torment which goes on in the battle field, in the hurricane of confusion and malaise. but perhaps maybe, when they are filled with awe from the precision and the bearing of the military man, perhaps then, can they understand the nature of his discipline, and his ability to commit his entire person to the single cause. and visually, the message is sent. the vast and painstaking discipline of many, concentrated for a single larger purpose. and that will be closest they will come to understanding the beauty of the loyal heart and the indomitable spirit of the soldier.


---
of course thats just one way of putting things.

you could also call it the glorification of war, or the facade of sophistication of masculine barbarism. but what the hell. its all a point of view, i guess.


---

and now, before i leave, i shall wish ye all a happy father's day, and may Nadal win the Queen's club tennis tournament. because, he truly is THE MAN. ahh yess... if last year's final at wimbeldon and this year's french open says anything, its that Nadal's time has come. I forsee a bright shadow being cast by happy clouds and a plague of shiny happy people ushering in a tide of good fortune and prosperity in the years to come, for Nadal's badminton fate. muwhahahaha!

so the answer is "yes" i am aware of how strange and lame that last two lines sounded, and "yes" I am OFF.

time for some contemplation

time for some contemplation...

---

Start playing "Faust, Midas and Myself" by Switchfoot

----

hmm.. so here I am.

my life really seems to have flown by. and im feeling sad. its too fast. and now here i am. i need to decide soon.

i need to decide so soon. shit.

no. I cant do this now. its not right. im still a boy.

i was only 15 yesterday. i swear i was. i was only beginning to enjoy it. this is all to strange to be true. and ive only just started, and now im feeling starved of what right i had to live in the past. and was it all worth it, and was it enough? ive tried to cram so much into my hours but never with the conscious intention of having this many half memories and close friendships with people I truly miss, but truly dont seem to be able to find the energy to meet. and thats where alot of it comes down to luck and destiny, doesnt it?...

so does that mean we can only be close friends when we are in the same course? or class? or school? or CCA? or seminar? or production? or country? or neighbourhood?

but i didnt come to talk about friendships and relationships. I came online thinking about my family. and these few memories which i had during field camp. of sitting in the civil service clubhouse room and enjoying the aircon after the swim. of being in orchard in a rainy day during the holidays, and my dad letting me buy books. of atha buying me fried chicken wings at the civil service club, and my mom scolding me furiously after that day, for making my poor unemployed grandmother use her own savings on me. of a dark night at that red condo near loyang where my mom used to go for yoga classes. and of komala sithi bringing me swimming one night to civil service club because my mom had to go somewhere, and I really wanted to swim.

and its strange because the morale of the story suddenly hit me that, money helps me maintain my happiness. money wont buy me happiness, but its the conduit to a material world of comforts that I enjoy. and i want my family to enjoy that too. and continue enjoying it. and now im thinking more and more and more about that scholarship. and that lesson from the stories of my mom's childhood.

that sacrifice is always worth it for someone you love.

and i will never forget the ones who loved me.

and for their sake, I wish to never be in anyone's debt...

--

sigh. dammit. this is too fast.

..so maybe i dont wish i could do it all again. but maybe what i really want is to revisit that time, and try again. because i wasnt the best leader back then, and because i owe it to them for helping me mature, i so desire to return to st pat's and TJ. but am i being out of place. and more realistically, am i just too late? because i could have sworn i tried my best. but somehow im still feeling, like i didnt do enough.

its true then. i still owe them my respect and dues. i owe them my time...

or should i start spending less time with more people and more time with less people?

sigh. whatever the hell am i jabbering on about now. i dont even know anymore. i need some carrot juice, tea, jacob's crackers and the simpsons to show now. yeaah. that might solve some things.

I keep saying "everything in life happens for a reason", but now im just feeling uncertain and troubled, drawing lines of meaning between series of people and places that probably mean less than i read. so how do i decide from there. where do i go. where is there left for me to hide.

its not that i have burnt my bridges. rather id left most in such a strange hurry that i cant seem to be able to find my way back without appearing lost.

will going to UCL then give me a chance for a clean break and start. a pinky promise to make less mistakes than before? or is going there just another mistake in itself. meow.

--

"Gravity" John Mayer

"these Streets"

"Why georgia" John Mayer

"No doubling back now" Jason Mraz

----

yes. its true then. its all happening too god damn soon.

the trophies on my cabinet suddenly are starting to have a lot less meaning as the time between me and the events stretch further and further apart.

damn. i know im usually more optimistic than this. but its hard to be, when memories come rushing back and remind me of a time when i had less choices to make and remind me of how old ive become while in the absence of so many people.

---

"Asphalt world" Suede
"Gravedigger" Dave Matthews Band