then i bumped again

Id like to think I live a life of no regrets.
The curious thing about this mindset, is how deeply it is founded on retrospective thinking.



Because for some odd reason, I simply cannot bring myself to be entirely content or satisfied with the present. There is always some loose end or the other to tie. Something wrong, something missing. Something awry.


Sigh. Greedy greedy rishik. Rishik the insatiable. Rishik always wanting more than he has. Rishik the glutton.


I kinda wonder whats so bad about gluttony at times (despite already knowing the answer). Is there really something so wrong in desiring and wishing to constantly fill oneself to the utter brim with the sensual experience? And never be filled. Always hungering and longing but never quite getting the full taste.

There is someing intangible about this idea. Its like a curve tending towards zero but never reaching. Its like a kind of magic.


...just a thought.


anyways, Im off.


----

Thank god I wrote my poems when I still did. Cause now im slowly feeling my inspiration run dry.

hindraf mindraf

I want "four winds" by bright eyes to be played at my funeral.
=)


---
In other news, I have officially had it with bata shoes. NO MORE!! NEVER AGAIN!!!

Ive had it paying 50 dollars for shoes that fall to pieces in 6 months
Ive had it, wearing shoes that virtually suck in water from the sole and retains it after stepping on a single freaking puddle.
Ive had it with shoes that cant even stay the same freaking colour for more than 2 weeks.


No this has nothing to do with my walking patterns. Im blaming this entirely on the shoes.

Never again. Never again...

----

Its quite scary sometimes when i think about how much we have progressed and how little we have changed as a society. Just watching 'hairspray' and remembering that there were times when segregation was fact and norm. and how heartening that there is change taking place.


But then I look north, and i read about hindraf. and i feel unsettled and troubled. This is far from apartheid. But the monster shares the same mother, called prejudice. My heart tells me it can be slayed. I want to think it can. I want to think that this is a historical abnormally. That times will change and that my vision for the future is not baseless. But there is little for me to go on. And so i get concerned.


Could i be that matyr? Am i meant to somehow be part of the wave to complete this change? Or is there too few of me to make an impact?


I like to think of this as the future of our species. We need to cultivate a society that may prosper, without fear. Yes thats right. I would like to start my own war against terror. Terror of being victimised, stopped at airport checkpoints and discrimintaed at due to the colour of your skin. Terror at not being allowed to practise your faith in peace. Terror that a peaceful protest against injustices may land you in jail. Thats the type of terror i wish to fight. And if this means breaking down the houses where prejudice hides, of culture, nationalism and tradition, than i suppose I will just find myself at odds with myself once again... but compelled, nonetheless, to do what i believe in.


--------
"But when great Satan's gone,
the whore of Babylon
She just can't remain with all that outer space
She caves..."


Im off

This is a snowflake

Is it so wrong to be eager to go to NS?

Would sure be some escape from the arrogance and artificiality of certain people.

Dates are appearing nearer than I once imagined. Im thinking in terms of weeks, not days anymore.

-------------

Sometimes I force myself to do things which are out of habit, just to show myself that I can, and that I am free of such tendencies. Because habits are just milder forms of addictions and dependencies. and to become dependent is to lose power over the most important thing in the world. yourself.

Goodnight.

There is a certain air about a place where you hardly know anyone, and everything feels new.


Maybe that was what kept me so attracted to TJ all these years. Simply how alien everything always was to me. Simply not knowing people and feeling safe and eager with the potential to meet someone new always alive. Maybe thats why first impressions are so powerful. Its the moment where all expectations of any nameless future is brutally slaughtered.


a week and ill be off to meet my future. amazing how fast time flies.


So much has changed, but things arnt different. If you know what I mean. Try think long term. Man I hate missing people. What i'd give for just a week of coffeeshop outings and long talkative nights.

"ive got so much to talk about" Modern Living by Motion City Soundtrack.



I wanna do something for the refugees. I wanna talk to them.