days like this i miss my piano

its days like this i miss my piano.. sigh...


...

so there i lie in my room.
finding it hard to believe that i could lie
amidst all the tension and frustration
builidng up all around me
in the air of my room
in the air of my breathe
inside my lung, suffocating me
diffusing into the air of my circumstances
which was really just the cherry
on the cheesecake, i refused to advertise.
but the difficulty swallowing the truth
was conviniently avoided in time
with the welcoming of a new truth,
that perhaps in fact, i wasnt lying.
I was flying two inches above every
space and corner of my room
swimming and contorting in my magical
hell hole of freedom.
my screams, in last ditch efforts to empty
my breathe from the pressure
had the inverse result of filling my room with so
and so created the necessary physics,
for my defiance of gravity, and the phenomenon
of intelligent falling was momentarily halted
to break my body from the chance to lie.
because i wasnt meant to lie.
no, no, of course not. how could I.
with such immense heaviness
coupled with this overwheliming air of duty
surrounding this inner frustration
(yes i know, ive already said that,
sorry if that just so happens to be
the best word i can use to sum it all up
at the moment), what right did i ever have
be it divine or constructed by man, to lie down.
lies. lies. lies. i mean noo. but yeaah. i know its true.


sigh.


and so when the hurricane ends,
and my body finally stops resisting this
magnetic repulsion, i levitate out of my incline
to a vertical view of my window
where the stillness of the woods
and the stoic calm of the omni-potent
ocean's horizon offers me a cold slap.
for who knows. it just might help taking
life in perspective.. but no.
i gracefully decline. cause, in all frankness
my life is just that- MINE. and if i cant
bring peace to myself, then thats just too bad.
time is all i need. time and my room of
frozen tension to sort out my mind, before
i see myself fit to open my room window
and let my breathe get taken away, again.


----

sadness

daarn. i do believe ive been eating more chocolates and drinking more soft drinks in the past week than i have in the past year or so. siigh. anti-depressants they call it. that sugar rush. that energy to keep you going through the day, when all other motivation fails.


but thats a lie of course. there is always music.


"skeptics and true believers" by academy is
"sweetest thing" U2
"i want to save you" something corporate


"summer of 69" bryan adams
"hands down" dashboard confessional
"One" U2


"cute without the e" taking back sunday
"walking by" something corporate
"vindicated" dashboard confessional


"cable car" the fray
"you give me somthing" james morrison
"bella luna" jason mraz


so anyways... poetry slam this coming tuesday. whooo. you can bet ill be there.


goodfellow. sures. what about all the other roles im supposed to do.


the start of more poems to come.
---------

and why do i speak
when i know that youre finished
this breathe that i waste
its like paint thats run dry


why dont i concede
though i see that ive lost it
the passage has closed
and now im just... wasting time...

----

goodnight. itll get better.


now just whatever could i be referring to??? OOOHHH???

the completed draft

presuming im not already psycho
OR
Loveful Undertakings By a Nameless Angel
by Rishik Vijay Menon


papercut wounds
theyve got you thinkin
what, why and how does it hurt
after all its so thin.
double espresso
on a late late night
taking your love for granted
and i grant, your alright....


...


topping up my whipped cream
now now, dont be shy
i dont bite, so dont you scream
theres that glint in my eye
murderously, ill stalk
regardless of what they say
one more corner, one more street
there aint no rules, anyway!


on and on!(im walking on the outside)
lost not gone!(im revealing all my insights)
i do what i do
just to get me by
im tracing out the edges of a... sane life.


Burning of my tongue
does it mesmerize you?
enchanted by the texture
of my crispy noodle soup
shaken not stirred
cause i know, what not to say
but dont you take it as a guarantee
By my esteem, lifes all a play...


...


can you see my thumbs up?
who can know, just what i mean
the carousels, theyve stopped now
take this chance. its a dream.
laughing at the wrong stops
stopping at the old scene
i care enough to want to try
thats when i forget all that ive been.


on and on!(im walking on the outside)
lost not gone!(im revealing all my insights)
i do what i do
just to get me by
im tracing out the edges of a... sane life.


give me fire give me hope
that ill make it pass that day
whats to come, i sure dont know
losing sleep, its part of the way
stealing thunder, not my style
dont risk what could lose my trial
Inherent from the way i rile
why cant i stay a child!


on and on!(im walking on the outside)
lost not gone!(im revealing all my insights)
i do what i do
just to get me by
im tracing out the edges of a... sane life.

im shedding off a past
that could make me cry
Im tracing out the edges of a... sane life.

oh valentine!

butterfly, where did you go last night
when i didnt need anyone to talk to.
and if so, why did you linger in the light
of my thoughts, how im longing out for you.


butterfly, its feeling awkwardly tight,
and i cant dance, to this un-romance, like i should.
im running out of excuses for my affection,
as well as time, rethink my stand, if only i could.


butterfly, the dark was scary alright,
but this new found light, its unleashing chaos on my reason.
unsure as hell, if i have lost some kinda fight.
butterflies dont last through all the seasons


Im afraid of conversations losing life,
the only draw which kept my ear may be your presence.
Im afraid of lack of engagement, not of strife
most of all, (sincere) i fear your hearts not present.

----------------------------------------------

of good looks and dates

So I say. this year, will the year. the year that I finally get a proper date for valentine. sure its already 12th feb. but ill do it. just you wait!
JUST you wait!!


and the discourse of my handome-ity begins.


(During my interview with that vasantham central production company)

"So, you have pretty good features. would you be interested if we call you down for more shows in the future?"
"Oh, definitely. of course."
"Oh great.. you speak tamil right?"
"Oh... heh... a little?"
"Ah...say a few words"
"eh.. vanakam.."
"Oh.. okay... (skeptical looks follows. no further discussion on my future in vasantham central.)"


(A conversation between my sister and my dog-happy neighbour in the lift)
"Ha-lo! you dont mind my dog right!"
"oh, no, no of course. come in."
"Thank you. You oh-kay with dogs!?"
"Yeah, of course."
"He's very handsome right!?"
"Yea. he is. (nervous smiles)"
"Ya! almost as handome as your brother!"
"(smiles) oh.."
"That one your brother right? that one live there?"
"yeah, yeah. kay bye!" (leaves the lift)


sigh.
thats life. happy happy life.


anyways think im off to sleep.
things have been working out fine.

"whats my age again. whats my age again."


petrol stations have always been a sorta symbol of life to me.


gnight.

return of nonsensical imagery

so it returns. the images of my past time...




images which can only beg the question...





dont I have anything better to do??




hahah. yeaps!


gnight!

zounds

zounds!

"How then am i a villain"
Iago


"you still have a long way to go... to doing well"
"it may 'only' be your A levels... but you could make it a stress free experience"


sigh sigh sigh. stress stress stress...
i know my priorities. or so id like you to believe.


lines being drawn even as i type.


im off.

im on fire!

I’m on fire! and now I think I’m ready... to bust a move. Check it out, I’m rocking steady. Go!


motion city soundtrack! whooo! sweetness..


yeaa.

how days change. how nights take us away.
how wallets empty. and how we remember those random lines from those books and songs.


so returned to drama. mmm...
and returned to debates... mmms a little bit more.


i dunno how to explain my deep sentimental attachment to debates. i try and make sense out of it, but i cant. its just so lovely.
maybe its to do with the fact that i feel loved there. that i feel respected.
the seniors were so inspirational.
that in the first three months nicholas, aiysha and kiran were the greatest source of fresh energy i could tap from. and nigel was the coolest new arrival to complete our happy family.
maybe its that even now when i go back, the potential i see is so strong.
maybe its just the small size and cosey feel that i thrived in.
maybe.
who cares bout reasons anyway.
debates will always be my first love, in TJ.
<3... hahaha.



but drama is still great. i remember always wanting to join drama. for the longest time. i guess it was bout time i acted on my wants. i mean. its just one of those things that has to be done. for my own sake. so i may quell that dam fire of desire.


wheee. how life thrives.
how reflecting on all those small jokes in thepassing of my day cheers me up.


i bought a starbucks tumbler! haha. hoots..
cheesecakes are amazing. did anyone ever tell you that? for they truly are.


and chocolate ice kachang!
to hell with the great spaghetti monster in the sky.
if there is a god, he's not made of pasta.
i know he exists. and he drips of chocolate. mmm..


shalala. "When all i could do is close my eyes. cross my heart and hope to die." more motion city.


going la salle openhouse tomorrow.
went starbucks today.


going for auditions at holland V on monday.


mmms. sometimes, everything seems to be going your way. and you really cant explain why life feels so good.


kays. better get down to submitting my h3 lit proposal. the sooner the better.


gnight!

the life narrated is less than half the life worth lived.

whata week

im proud of myself this week.

I found the discipline to wake up at 4 in the morning and cycle 8 km all the way from my home to TJ and back, even in spite running 3.6 click for PE that same day.


I enriched my mind by watching a great play, the pickle king, on Tuesday.


I found the time to return to fort canning park.


I managed to keep my dignity in my silent reverence this thaipusam, and stay as clear as possible from all the fanfare, pretenciousness and showyness as possible.


I kept to my word.


I made effort to retrace my roots.


But yet in spite of all this. I find myself
wrecked.
bitter.
jaded.
frustrated.



I dont know whats quite wrong. but i know its wrong, feeling this way.


ah hell. just gotta let this pass.
simple advise for a complex mind.
like that ever works.
thats what zens about.


Motion city soundtrack! whooo!
what a mess id be without my music.


night. oh sweet moon. oh bella luna.