HAHA!

hahahah!

just love the look on fletcher's face. hahaha.. siigh...

nothingnice rocks. something i can relate to, in terms of humour. ...

kay, im kinda messed up in terms of my plans for the rest of the week...and month... and year...

but whatever. im think ill manage. haha.

...

ooh. ive got cold! aint that something!

...

...

anyway before i leave, one more time, from the man!

Hoot!

wonderous literature

(Possibly the most annoying post you are about to read) muwhaahah!
--------------------------
Even before i was born, too many people have written about writing, read about reading, or not read and/or not wrote about neither, too many times for any discussion of this so-called 'meta-lit' to be considered remotely fresh or ingenious in anyway. and in similar spirit, all discussion of "XX" within "XX" in some annoying attempt to impress mr rajesh should be made illegal , if laws of sound waves and singapore, permit. But they dont, so, hell with that possibility. But returning to my earlier tangent, i suppose what im trying to say is, that a discourse or commentary on lit, should be taken as lightly as possible, and after beating in (or out) the 'deeper meaning' to its death, while trying to find it, i trust all will appreciate my expounding on the topic while practising as little a principle of charity as possible, and as big a refrain in the analysis of my clumsy, unintentional words. cause somethings were truly meant to be purely read but not performed, discussed or pondered on.



Its almost distant when i look back at the past and fancied myself literary is some manner of speaking, (of course spoken with a certain manner of pride). But i know now of course that im not. Merely meandering about in my musings sadly made me a milksop for meaning,instead of the master of the language i so marginally clung onto.


Twas last night upon hearing the admirations andrea (maybe rannald and amitha) had for my study and its contents that evoked this feel. A cordial bitter mix of pride and shame, from my relations. pride for having such well read and tasteful parents, and shame from not living up. Only I know too well of my love for picking books off a shelf and never finishing it (barely starting). This academic laze and stupor from which has resulted in the bookmarks between "a thing or two about cutis and camilla", "god of small things", "the crucible", "duchess of malfi", "great expectations" becoming permanent fixtures to their lucky page numbers, is something that im desperately trying to fight; and perhaps its really simply my efforts at fighting thats keeps this thin enough faccade for people like kenneth to include me amongst the 'literature people'. The effort to fight it. But effort only gets you "f"s, and F is not what i want. And though im not a Philistine, im finding hard to justify my lackadaisicalness. Buts thats just how i remain in both my writing and my reading habits. and so ill keep getting my "f"s. An "F" for footloose and carefree. another "f" for foolhardy and brash. and a third "F" for the Fun of it all. this brazen attitude and overconfidence is misplaced, and the source of all my rants..


but i dont see myself changing anytime soon, cause to be rather frank, im having fun. and i apologise for not being that ferocious bookworm i wish i was, but these occasional bites i help myself to, now and then, and my periodic dabble with my cooking pan has given me poetry to sustain my lie. my shelves stay decked, ill use the same excuse of a lack of time, and every now and then ill try and rhyme, and ill nod my head, when a reference is made, to some book or soem author and when some clever witticism has been made. if only i knew how witty it was. i wont die from never reading lord of the rings, and i can do with summarised version the movies present, as sad and unglamarous as these confessions may be. and that IS partly me. the disgraceful result when a lover of a good story and admirer of fine lines decides to fuel his diet with a quick-fix alternative.


so having dealt with that stigma, and fairly cleaning myself from all possible association with the upper circles of the vanguards of Trivium, i now must clarify to the side of men's health and harry potter fans, that Im not a total ignoramus, and that i sadly cannot claim to belong to either camp. And, well, it has been more than 5 years ago in a book fair at my primary school when i first picked up two books whose melancholy nature and surreal illustration caught my attention, and 13 X 13 chapters later I can proudly say ive been a true reader and a fan. That series of unfortunate events might have ended in bittersweet non-conclusion, but its left me feeling more fufilled as a student of literature than most paragraphs can claim credit for. ive felt enlightened, and in control, and the flow and play of words and letters entranced me like a girl ive once known who wanted to sing a song (but thats another story). but that series, and this is part which ive been unintentionally driving at, had this most serene and encapsulating ultimatum, that no amount of education or vocabulary could quite allow me to express. but we try to anyway, cause if we didnt, our role on this earth sure seems mighty unjustified. and the moral, it goes something like this.


that things end and things start all the time. that litertaure and novels and stories can never give the full picture. that we will never know if darcy and lizzy lived ever so happy, or why vernon little's dad was who he was. That life goes on, and that we will only be able to fill the middle chapters, always looking behind our shoulders and beyond the horizon, never knowing or coming close to predicting what lies ahead, or understanding why we lie where we lie now. that there can be no real conclusions. and while chapters end all the time, life doesnt.


so as much as i love lit, i must admit, im not the greatest of pupils. but to hell with all that. i love it. and right now. and right here. thats all that matters. and no amount of over-reading or contemplating into any meaning which can possibly be derived for a 17 year old's rantings and incoherent remarks about a seeminly singular subject, can ever explain this aesthetic experience and high. so with one last toast, and goodbye: cheers! cause im not pretending to know anything i dont. im merely commenting inspite of it.

The monsoon has begun.

And if i owned a horse and had loads of free time, id race up down the street of pasir ris heights delcaring to all who would listen "THE MONSOON HAS COME!!! THE MONSOON HAS COME!!" sigh... maybe sing the opening song from the movie 'lagaan'. yeaa. hmmm. well i might have. haha.


sweet sweet rain. siigh. nothing so beautiful wakes you up like the rain. the sheer power and poetry of it all. breathtaking.


and nothing is more annoying than being dragged out of bed at 8-freagin AM to prepare for a lunch party. gaah! its a lunch party! LUNCH! we have lunch at 2! come on....


and put in context with the fact that i came home around 1 or so last night, and today is a holiday... grrr! not exactly making me the happiest of 17 year-olds right now.



But last night was definitely a blast. everyone who came. jeremy, marc, alfred, alex, ben mao, dominic, michael joo, laurel, jonny 'bau' Eu, brandon wong, christopher, and all. dammit man. these guys are great. and i feel so freaking awake around them. i feel louder, unafraid to make jokes and laugh, to 'suan', tease, yell, cheer, make noise... you get the idea. its amazing how when im surrounded by them another side of me comes out. a side thats happier, louder, braver. A side that feels smart, witty, in control of the situation, and significant. A side that knows what he's doing and knows how he's doing it, and doesnt regret zit.


I never stuttered so much before coming TJ. I never cut myself short in mid sentence when i realised i was about to say something stupid. So much changes. And its really not me who has changed. Merely the circumstance which surrounds me.


So before heading down to marina south to meet my rocking ex-classmates, was at my aunt's place. was listening to my dad talk to my uncle. was pretty funny. he was speaking in proper english, inserting a tamil word every ten words or so. haha. so contrived. so amusing.


Tamil exam next friday. bleagh. dont wanna think about my A levels. Which include PW of course. ironic cause the reason i turned on the com is to finish up my little script for my OP and start on my little I & R.


So have any of you ever wondered, why is it most cleaning products like to be 'lemony' clean, when it comes to floors, kitchens, and clothes. but 'minty' clean for our mouths. point to ponder on...


Realised the above while tidying up the house this morning, fer our deepavali lunch thingy. sigh. once again i must tell everyone how beautiful my house is. Not for what it is, but for where it is. and what it allows me to feel. waking up in the morning opening my back door to a view of greenery. lazing on my bed, and seeing a pair of brown and white birds, dancing, and chirping. all happening before me, at eye level. taking a few more steps into the balcony to see butterflies flying from my hibiscus to the lime tree. gazing into clouds. and lying on the roof at night getting lost in the stars, and the lovely Moon.


but all good things HAVE to come to an end...do they?... = S


but they'll all end. and all i can do right now is wait. and enjoy. and wait for more to enjoy.

its over-pumped with anxiety: this feeling. thinking of what i have to do, what i want to do, and when ill have to do it all. this eagerness of a sort to get it all over. humph. im sure i can do it. im sure i can make it. its just the wait before thats killing.


the after-rain is beautiful. screw PW. im going go skate. or run. or walk. doesnt really matter, when you think about it.

harbouring not-so-wholesome intentions

so begins my series of disjointed paragraphs. rock on readers. all the best.




sigh. happy deepavali to all yee deepavali-celebrators out there..
would have said Indian... but, not quite all apply. would even say hindus... but, once again....



so went to my cousin's place. was pleasent. watching TV. eating. discoveirng the wonders of "garage band", and getting jealous about not owning a mac, a lifebook and a proper speaker system. regardless of how old they may be. grrr... So jealous.




sometimes deepavali really just feels like an excuse for a family gathering more than anything else. not that im complainin.




apparently nicholas huang had my taste in music all along, and i had no idea. wow. who would have thought man? sigh.



learning 'kiss me' on me guitar now, as its supposed to help my rythm. danm. the "garage band' programme was dam cool. sigh. if only there was like a windows version.



classmates came over last night and we watched 'The hours". beautiful show. beautiful house. sigh. im really gonna miss the place. its everything i need. its what i grew up in. from kindergarten to primary school to secondary school to JC. this was always where i came home to. sakina and sabrina are coming over tomorrow again to watch Narnia. whoot.


talked to Jaz on MSN earlier. made me think... hmmm...


which of the following two scenarios would be worse? someone who doesnt believe in god marrying someone who does. or two people who both believe in god, but are from different religions. haha. feel free to post comments on this. my opinion's still not formed yet.





seeing as how its been more than a week since promos ended, and nearly a month since miss nansi loaned me god of small things, i really think i owe it to her to finish it by monday.



Me and kahi at Openhouse. talk about impromptu.

--------------------------------------------


quiet admiration for Artistic Pleasantry.
by Vidyarishik Vijayadas Menon


Its the notice that is due
thats getting me so high
Im keeping my smile subdued
My heart tells me i should try
Its against all reasoning
or the rules which are put down.
youve enchated me, so lightly
im hardly falling, im falling down


oh will you please. look. away.
so i can look at your face.
oh will you now. stay. my way.
its your absense, thats getting me
displaced.


your eyes dance with a quiet flame
a wrath that i dare not arouse
your tongue drips with brilliant causerie
the dryest moments, it does douse.
yet i keep my intentions hidden
cause im over run with fear.
and im almost next to certain
that im not one whom youll endear.


so will you please. look. away.
so i can look at your face.
oh will you now. stay. my way.
its your absence, thats getting me
displaced.


if i could look into your mind.
if i knew only knew you more.
there just enough to form a memory
there so much left, left unexplored.
if life and love were way more simple
if i only knew just what you meant
am i over reading into your messages
even if no such message was sent.


..Its a quiet admiration...
That making me wish....


That youll: Look! away!
so i can look at your face!
and please, will you stay. my way.
Its your absence! your absence! that getting me...
thats getting me displaced.


--------------------------------------------------------


dora says hi. haha. =)
im off.

so where do i go

so where do i go. from here on now.


fuck man. you think your back and running again, but then life just had to come and blow you down. like the little spider spinning its web. spinning. working. so hard against the sheer immense breath of nature. no prizes as to who wins, that battle.



fuck grades. its not that. its the comments. the truth behind this shared sentiments of all my tutors. thats what hurts. i dont care if do badly, frankly... cause thats not real to me. but i hurt. and i bleed. when i know im not doing justice to myself intellectually. when im not thinking in depth and rigour. when they say im not evaluating, and i know they are right. when they say i have clumsy expression, and i cant begin to say how ashamed that makes me feel. so thats it really. my embrassment of not being a 'thinker'. thats what i want. to achieve that higher level of udnerstanding and analyzing. thats it. sigh. and this may just be the first time i need to work so hard for something.



but yes. ill appeal for H3 lit. cause its about passion. and interest. and for that lesson in life, i can only thank my dad. and you know what. we are captains of our own destinies. and ive not been a very good captain so far. about time i regain control of this ship. siigh...



fuck la... i hate chocking back tears... and having to do so so many times in a single day... arghh!


and i asked you "why"
did it come to this
there was never an answer
when i didnt insist
that you stop right there.
your words arnt healing... oh no.


im killing myself. slowly.
im trying to be true,
dont wanna choose... dont wanna choose...


good night. its really the greatest of ironies in life that leave the sharpest scar. cruel, crule life.

Spent

Spent.


my mind is fucking spent.
my wits have hit their end,
i thought i was nearly broken
but my heart wont fucking bend.


so dont lose heart. no matter what. dont lose faith.


and while this bitch ass of a face off might remain un-fucking-resolved, at least i leave with a clear mind and conscience, and stand on what kind of a person YOU are.


and fuck...


as overwhelmed as i was.. as stressed and taut i felt, the feeling of clearing all my tasks was incredibly relieving.


so what if i screwed my tamil, and history, and god knows what else. so what if nearly everything else is a mess. the fact that i managed to get jobs done, keep appointments, keep teachers updated, and get things out of the day. one by one, it was getting good.


and every "thanks" from a superior or junior, every online "hug" or "take cares" made their mark. thanks so much.


touching up on PW. the relief is immense. siigh. its just one day i know.
tomorrow it starts again. as early as 7, it all resumes. but for now... im at peace again...


for now...

------------------

thanks so much to my friends again. you guys really make this 'brink-of-breakdown' loser pull through. all of you. whoot. im here. im in trouble. whatever. im good to go.

panadol induced sleep!

"sleep with all the sheets off, baring your mattress, baring your soul!"

dashboard confessional R.O.C.K.s. i can never stress that enough. haha. they rock. mmhmm...

--------------------------------------------------------
haha. chatting with alex, jeremy and joshua. madness. haha. these guys rock. i swear.


"NJ is a FAG school."
"TJ is a chink school."
"Cj is a.... catholic school!"
"...Poly... POLY SUCKS!"


hahahaa.



Josh says:
SOMEONE DIED
teddy says:
MUAAHAAHAHAH
Josh says:
OH SHIT
i OWNZ in lawn bowls says:
now i understood there'd be pie?
Josh says:
pie?
You bring the victim i bring the fire- rishik... says:
who hit who's eye?
Josh says:
not too sure about that.. but i know cake.


it just went on like that the whole way...

from mother tongue, to how its posible to get 2/100 for a paper, and everything else from then on just got waaaay WAAAY too random to document... sigh.


st pats has, does and will always have a special place in my life.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

i love the seaaa.... daammit...


kay im gonna do PW now... cause it seems like the right sorta thing to do. sigh.

its dry without you

"were not wannabes anymore"


"close your eyes, fall asleep and try and wake up away from the future."


"better be psycho than boring"


"sometimes sense sucks the meaning out of things"


"I will follow you into the dark"


"i rarely talk to you seriously"
"your not missing out on anything great"


"so the other day on my way home, i was making a 'fuck you' list in my mind. sorta like a 'thank you' list, just more refreshing."


"busy... yeaah. expect more in the future."


"we are like an island on our own... and then there is a sea around us. of sharks! yeaa.. and then there are a few seagulls. and a few people in the sea trying to swim towards our island... yaaar."


"Baaaah! it a philosphy."


"im off"

tired

bleaaah... so dam tired...


interesting how days turn out, opporunities are created, choices made, paths fork, performances are played, and life gets reflected over dinner at an obscure coffeeshop in pasir ris.


"how poetically vague"

anyways basically today was a tiring shit ass day. somehow getting roped in to play bass for MCS band. and it started with a simple pick. haha. so i was juggling rehearsal( which turned out to be 2 hours in the end), guiding (stupid unfriendly sec 4s), talkin, skating...it felt realy 'bla' after awhile exactly who and what i was supposed to be helping. drama, debates, mcs, ics, sc, hc....


really got to my head. everything so muddled and messed up. so i went to skate to give myself some freedom to think. sigh. skating on the track. wtf was i thinking. but nvm about that, the point is, it really cleared my thinking a little. sigh. nice to sit on the grass. and not think..


"you lack intellectual discipline."
(eyes widen) "I ... lack intellectual discipline??"
"its not your not intelligent. its you lack intellectual discipline. rigour in your answer. rigour and discipline when you analyse... its not too late. it can be developed..."
"it... what.... okay..."


haha. sounded like i had a disease man, the way it happened. haha.
sigh. i dont wanna be a dissapointment... i really dont... especially in english: cause thats all ive got to hold on to. sucks being so painfully monolingual. sucks stuttering on sentences and eating up words.


on a side note, i realise with the tagboard down, ive become really uninspired to write... blog. whatever...


http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

this site is so cool... im serious. almost as touching as time travellors wife.


hmmm. i wanna get pics of my performance. i think ash has some... siigh.
-------------------------------------------------

ive always made it a general rule to
1)avoid fallin for someone who isnt likely gonna fall fer you in return.
2)never get into a relationship based on the 'why not' factor.
3)never confide anything to anyone until im sure of how im feeling myself.


bull man. if only i followed it.
------------------------------------------------


get a guitar tomorrow. maan...


Saw arthur at today's openhouse. was good to talk to him. really been long. haha. ill never forget those guys. my 4E1 classmates. siigh. good friends they were.... sigh. gotta have a get together soon... soon...


" i think i realised bout rishik's friends from st pats is that they all speak with an accent."
haha. thats not totally true. but strangely it swells me a little bit with some sorta strange misplaced pride.



kay i really should go sleep. ive hit a stage where im just yabbering pointlessly now. and i think tomorrow, besides an accoustic, i wanna buy band shirts, lemony snicket's "the end" and chocolate milk... mmmmm.


night.

wonderous nights

haha. laughing never came with such ease in a while.

but before i start on another episode of inarticulate rambling, let me share with you two quotes.

"The night may be young... but we're still underage."
hahahah! sigh. i love that one. shameless, yes, but i still think its funny.
this other one came to me in a dream.
"When love is worth more than one US dollar, you know the economy is working."
hahah. omg. how psycho is that. these days i dont even wanna think about what my dreams means. haha.



sigh. those pyscho dreams of mine: fratless bass guitars, sand dunes and beaches, soccer, fences, kites, guys wearing NYGHS uniform and the moon. hmmm...


anyways, yesterday yesterday! haha. went out with phipps, theodore and huang. and dammit. what can i say. these guys really crack me up. i suppose it happens. after four years of your life, your bound to get close to some people. and the experiences you share really grow rich and amazing and bursting with stories and excitement. i doubt there was ever a moment when we were silent. ever. thats the best part about it. the continuous never pausing rambling, 'suan'ing, 'cunn'ing, cussing, cursing, insulting, joking, laughing, teasing. its good to see them again. its good to be in their company again. thats really it. their company. cause nothing comes close to that in TJ, or anywhere else. and ive no idea how long ive gotta wait till i appreciate as hearty a laugh or a toast or a story as that again. the personalities of the four of us. i dunno man. its just.. hilarious. scouts man... this is what i owe scouts. the memories, the stories and the friendships.

(Huang, me and theo) Phipps is taking the pic.

i once held this belief, its easier to talk to people you dont know, cause there is less you guys have been through together (thus more 'new' things to talk about). but last night really shattered that. its not how much you have "NOT TALKED" about yet, that lends to how much there is left to talk about. its how much you "HAVE BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER", that allows for more conversation. tis really true. indeed.


sigh. dang i love sleeping late and waking at noon. refreshing in more ways than words can explain.


so last night when the four of us somehow ended up in PS, ran into alfred, and some others from his church. Pean ( it hink thats how its spelt), and that other girl i met the last new years day and christmas. yeaah. really spurs me to do start planning some class reunion. but i dunno how im gonna do it though. or when. grrr. the more people involved the more complicated, really.


"Stay away" by electrico. hoot. their good.


anyways im off right now. gotta go airport and do some lit revision.


"stay away, stay away! all these games you used to plaaay..."

reason to be happy

Reasons why i feel good today.

History is over.
I got me a nice new blue earstick
Fingering guitars makes me happy
The full moon is out.
I had dinner with my family.
I watched little miss sunshine
I missed my sister.
Went to fort canning park.
im meeting dore and huang tomorrow.
I love my class. all of them.
i started thinking about those days i would go jogging on sundays at bukit timah.



sigh.... its been a beautiful day in every sense of the word.
and fort canning was really the best place for it to end at. the greenery, the haze, the magic just summoned all into a single locality. and it felt great just being there. basking under the canopy, and running my fingers along the concrete, running it as deep as i could, so i can remember it, and never forget how great and enchanted it felt, and not forget just how 'real' everthing was.


and thats really the word to use for the day. 'Real'.


watching 'little miss sunshine'. so real. walking out of the cinema. was real. everything. fort canning. talking, crossing, walking, watching, thinking, feeling.
it felt real again. Real. and Raw. like i had been scrubbed clean and my skin had gone tender and open to the world. and it was good.

the surreality has ended.

i have snapped back to 'here' and 'now'.


i really liked little miss sunshine. i really did. ill never begin to explain how much it touched me, and how much i related to it. loved it.


im off.
i know i dont talk alot.
but that doesnt meant ive nothing to say.



goodnight.
-----------------------------
"im crazy for this girl" by evan and jaron.

econs is less than 12 hours

hahaha... all this for a 'C'. a miserable curled up little c... grrrr...



i think if ever you want to torture someone on a food strike, you could just show them a slideshow of the pictures in my phone memory card. haha. oh, the joy.



in a sense, ym efil si gnikam esnes niaga. in another sense, its not. But it feels so clear. like... i feel like i understand. and i actually get it. and no, not school, but... bits of my life. im actually starting to see it clearly. not everything yet. thats asking fer too much. haha. but, yea, insy tinsy little parts are shining through from the haze. haha.


haha. so is this Growing Up, then? hmmm.. i see.



Ice lemon tea. by Rishik Vijayadas.

its the joys of being thrown in mid air
and feeling like falling short.
its the joy of being cut in mid sentence
diverting topic, (the former, forgot).
its the life of withdrawing
the heart pulsating, the 'never' the 'ever' the 'stop'.
the rush to the head,
the words almost said
the brink of the edge of the top.


gtg! byees!

shaking my head in beat to "streetlight manifesto"

i dunno why. but after listening to "everything went numb" by streetlight two days in a row, ive grown this strange desire to learn the drums.

mmmm...

sara lee cake and aik cheong white coffee make a good combi for breakfast.
not quite the same as marshmellows, but what the heck. still goodness.

parents overseas again. and im off to national library to study/research/read.

what really freaks me out most about my exams, is when i read my old essays. and all these ideas and facts flash before me, in my own handwriting. A handwriting so familiar, and thoughts and concepts so converse to the former. its frightening being so clueless: especially in something which you KNOW... at one point of time at least. i get i kinda get what lizzy is going through (but on a waaay lower degree of course), when she worries about her forgetting. i dunno la...


exams and academics have always been something ive had a love hate relationship with.
I WANT to get good grades of course.
but i dont want to be obsessed with it.
Nor caught up. or worried. or affected in anyway.
i dont want my life's priority to be school, simply put.
its hard to explain really. cause im dealing with so many things.
high expectations for me to do well, because people 'know' im "intelligent but lazy"
god ive heard that phrase waay too many times for my liking.
and let me make it clear, its not really something to be proud of.
its an easy excuse nonetheless, but honestly, not a very valid one.
im still grasping with the fact that i got 10 for my Os, cause it
was the one time i put my all, and my full attention and heart into something academic,
and getting back something so borderline was a harsh slap to my ego.
but the need to defend those expectations aside, im also dealing with
an immense lack of discipline and focus. a binding lerthary and inertia thats
holding me down here, right now, and compelling me to type, and maybe talk,
but never act. thats the suckiness. the shame of it all... that i want so much,
but i dont want to do shit. i want H3 lit, i want to be in the top 10 %, i want a guitar,
i want to avoid the stigma of becoming a 'mugger', i want this, i want that, i want
to break freee from all those impressions of me, and all those doubts and skepticism
everyone, including myself, has ever had of my ability to make it, book-wise.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

frustration.
------------------------------------------------

im off. gonna do something about this life. see ya.

"liiive wiiiiiree!" motley crue.