i know that its a wonderful world

everyday other nights, a sad excuse. (part 1)
by rishik menon.


you tuck your life away
intewined between these strings
and you strum.
you sing a line for me
hardly reach the chorus
then your done.
you take time out
between those empty days
walking down those empty halls.
you say your living for the weekend
your afraid, that time would stall...


you say your grateful, cause
of this chance
to live your life again.
or at the very least,
to get away
not be bothered by them.
you paint yourself a selfless potrait
you say its an expression
of your heart.
i get the feeling that i know you,
but i dont know where i start...

ill be the one who'll somehow know

all those feelings that you feel

ill be the guy you'll tell it all to

the guy that makes it real

ill be that place. ill be that quiet silent getaway.

ill be safe, and ile sealed. all for you.

...but i cant be true.

attempts to go screamo

Bonus: New years eve compilation
by ratz


And i asked you "why"
did it come to this
there was never an answer,
where i wouldnt insist
that you stop your thoughts.
These words arnt healing. oh no...


and they suffocate my silence, into
something drenched in violence, and its
killing me ! (KILLING ME! SO!)
So we fade away!


This time, in the long haul, crying! (Down!)
This flight aint a shot worth trying! (Out!)
This life is taken with a pinch of something salt and
somethings given in...


(given in. its lost its taste,
and now im crying)


Caaaause! I'm begging for some life!
in this mid autumn's night!
to get me over there. (anywhere!) away from here!
Im salvaging all my dreams!
from this sombre october scene!
in the hope that ill get! (over there!) ... Away from here!


and im losing track of moments
as im losing all my hold and
i dream of breaking free! (BREAK! FREE!)
free to shade in grey!


its a time when passions running (HIGH!)
its a life where deaths just right (BEHIND!)
its a chance to feel this red, this wetness all,
this concrete bed.


(please tell me its not a dream
on my knees, im pleading)


Caaaause! I'm begging for some life!
in this mid autumn's night!
to get me over there. (anywhere!) away from here!
Im salvaging all my dreams!
from this sombre october scene!
in the hope that ill get! (over there!) ... Away from here!
... AWAY FROM HERE!

maybe forever

answering. one frog at a time.
by rishik menon.


I wished i could be an angel
that i would spread my wings and fly
on the dreams and hopes of people.
and make them feel like a 'person' inside.
That i could possibly be so selfless.
that I could turn every cry to a laugh.
And i also wished, to wish away
all greed, pride, envy and wrath.
i prayed for miracles and wonder.
to heal all who was in my shadow
that i may spread love and stay still humble
to do good, yet not be in the know.
To lose all that was in me, thats human
all that made me cause hurt.
i was through creating more suffering.
through with this materialistic herd.


and to my surprise i heard an answer
so silent, my heart dared not knock.
it smiled and it told me "oh brother"
"what a waste of a wish on your part"
and it taught me of all that was lovely.
and it taught me of all that was not.
as i learnt, i forgot, in an instant.
all that had now come to past.
and it spaced out the words in my memory.
and for once my open eyes could actually see.
that its not un-human to be so angelic.
twas always in our hearts to be free.
while only one of us may be human
theres an angel in both you and me.

why my parents annoy me

why my parents annoy me.



(after getting prayer oil from the store room)
"hey did you ever wonder like who decides what can be used for prayer and what cant? i mean like, pictures and idols and..."
"Oh. you cant find the oil isit?"
"The oil is in the store room. we cant use cooking oil."
"wha.. im not talking bout that, im just saying, like, who decides what can be used for prayer and what cant. like if i paint a picture of ganesha or..."
"you cant use cooking oil for prayer. i mean, even if it is vegetable oil."
"Gahh! are you even listening! im not talking bout oil now! i mean like. how can you say some idols are art, but others are for prayer. i mean like, how can you be so confident?"
"...Oh... so are you saying you dont want this ganesha here anymore?"
"No!!"
(walks off)



Why my parents annoy me. part two.
(some arguing about forgetting to bring wicks for the altar)
"hey can you use this tessle from the shawl to light the altar?"
(without even looking down)
"No it wont work." (walks off into room to discuss matter with my mom)
(lights the tessle. observes fervent discussion in master bed room as to how to deal with the situation. walks off.)
(5 minutes later)
"Hey you lighted it!"
"mm."


gonna go write a song. twas in my mind for awhile. here goes.

Today's post was brought to you by.. bunny ears.

so after the last day of orientation leader camp, and just another one of many interesting days of the LC, and its views on "boys! (sigh)", i bring to you an entry of clarifications.


attractions doesnt mean chemistry

commitment doesnt mean love.

hot doesnt mean beautiful.

cute doesnt mean adorable.

interest doesnt mean passion.

love doesnt mean life.

clash doesnt mean conflict.

silence doesnt mean harmony.

attention doesnt mean concern.

reservation doesnt mean disinterest.

humouring doesnt mean affection.

hurting doesnt mean hatred.

ignorance doesnt mean contempt.

giving doesnt mean expecting.

praise doesnt mean worship.

faith doesnt mean submission.

--------------


today was a fine day. lifes moving along. smooth. steady. on it way closer to the end.


g'night.

face the end

Marion Raven's 13 days. i like.
Sooner or later by breaking benjamin too. whoo.

good sound.


if only that smell of towel drenched in rain would leave. sigh. i dont like~. bleagh.


so lifes been good. met kok thye (aKa the malaysian singapore idol). me and linus formed a band (again). this time its gonna be a slow jazz, phunk, rock. and in true tradition of all slow jazz phunk rock band, we started our first jamming session, by going screamo. maybe metal towards the end. haha. honestly not surprised wei ket left after awhile. haha. of course that was after talking and having lunch with them and donald.


after which rushed down to meet liz and the rest for dinner. and i LOVES my present!
hahaha
whoo!
prettiest thing ever. haha. you guys know me so well. haha!
would post a picture, if i had one. ah well. guess ill have to wait for the next outing to show its beauty to the world.

and yea. the joy from seeing everyone like my gifts. the always a blast. ahha. so much warmth.


and OGL camp today was good. whoo. sexy dammit. just too dam sexy. but im freaking tired. and i MUST learn how to shout from my diaphragm. crucial for my survival, in the next two weeks.


ooh. and running into marc twice in the last week. hmph!
both times he tried to avoid me. first time was after sujinder's party. 2nd time was when i was with linus and kok thye and the rest. bloody hell. hmph. so this is what it has become. but its okay. i wont say anythingg. cause thats just the kind of guy i am. nice. hahahaha.


not in the same sense gita is 'naive and innocent'. nothing like that. haha.
had coffee with gita, grace and maryam. and soefie and shereen after OGL camp.
yakun kaya is GOOD! had no idea man. worth it. seriously worth the price. ahha.


ran into michelle and jas. hung out with them. long walks at night. good tiem to catch up. and no. im not a playboy. paah.


went out with kenneth, lizzy, rannald, soefie and sakina on christmas eve. miss those guys. ahha. wheee. good to be with them.


this post has absolutely no sense of time. haha. sadness man. loving madness.


so ill just end with some random ramblings.

"sometimes being alone at home, is not all its cut out to be. for one, it means, you got no choice but you MUST answer the phone. and thats always annoying. the other shit is, chances are the person on the other line is an aunt checking on how your doing all alone at home." rishik menon.


kays im off.
peace. cheers. love. all as i scratch my foot.

easier to do poems on girls.

The green-eyed black cat on the amber junction.
by Rishik Menon


And she's so quiet
and she's twilight
and now she's filling in
the gaps from yesterday
from some someone
she fills them in
oh, one by one
and there she goes
(tum dum dum dum
dum dum dum dum)


oh see her smile
its made from tile
cause we all know
its just as real
as on that day
he went his way
he turned his back
nothing left to say
she loves to sing
(tum dum dum dum
dum dum dum dum)


reads in a light
thats not too bright
and now shes sad
finding out that
humptey's not okay
cause just like that
take a risk, and splat
cant put him back
so she starts to hum
(tum dum dum dum
dum dum dum dum)


she wants to laugh
or even half
about as much
as all the
other kids she sees
to somehow get
just whats their joke
but she'll never know
it hurts her back.
(tum dum dum dum
dum dum dum dum)


she sees them dance
shes scared of trance
and all those
types of songs
where they turn up the bass
it makes her feel
something surreal
in a life thats good
safe as it should
(tum dum dum dum
dum dum dum dum)


she thinks unloud.
unwise, unproud
of all the lives
that she has touched
along her way
so unaware
her soul in her stare
blesses all around
she buys your dreams
(tum dum dum dum
dum dum dum dum)



she flies away
she flies today
without a nest
a roost, a home,
no roots, no space
to keep her down
she flies around
at last shes found
now she wont look back
(tum dum dum dum
dum dum dum DUM!)

you know my name

chris cornell's 'you know my name' playing on my speakers. sweet.


learning how to play scar tissue. brilliant song.


feeling good. already thought out my last chapter for my novel. whoot. its gonna be good.


let me tell eveyrone now about something i call 'dress sense'. have the sense to know when to dress up and know when not to. 'nuff said.


now, fer some random lyrics which i feel like posting. oooh! we can make this a game. i wont say which artiste they are from, and everyone can guess! wheee...


"life is gone, just with a spin of a wheel"


"and i treat my body like an ashtray..."


"more words than I, had ever heard, and i feel so alive"


"she thinks that she can fly, and she might, holding on in a new direction, shes gonna try it tonight"


"A marble dog that chases cars to farthest reaches of the beach And far beyond into the swimming sea of stars"


"father into your hands, i commend my spirit. father into your hands. why have you forsaken me?"


"soft spoken with a broken jaw. step outside but not to brawl."


"on an evening such as this. its hard to tell that i exist"


"Reality came around. And without so much As a mere touch Cut me into little pieces"


"Silence is golden, but my eyes still see."


"And you don't wanna be here in the future. So you say the present's just a pleasant Interruption to the past"


"im lying by the beach with your shadow out of reach"


"thinking back before her. never knew the meaing of alone"


"this air is blessed, you share with me"


tadaa!


and now the results.
cause im not one for anticipation.


chris cornell. Angelas Dish. Jason Mraz. Somthing corporate. Jason mraz. System of a down. red hot chilli peppers. barenaked ladies. gilbert o sullivan. frankie valli. something corporate. love me butch.Ben jelen. Dashboard Confessional.


kays im out.

dont bring me down

so im home. home. where the heart is right. mhmm. no doubt. belief every word of it. they know best dont they. mmmm..


now let me tell you all something. grandparents know best. well not really. but when it comes to telling you stuff about YOURSELF, they sure seem to know a hell lot. and coming from me... who hates it when my mom goes "Oh rishik? well his favourite meat is chicken and kartik's..." or anyone for that matter, who pretends to know me, and dares typecasts my personality... anyway, as i was saying, grandparents. they really have this memory of you as a kid. and they can tell you so truthfully what we were like, and not pretend to know, but truly KNOW our natures. sigh. i suppose they kinda have the advantage seeing as how we ourselves tend to forget how we were as kids...



i remember a time quite long ago. i truly believed the only people in the world worth bothering about were children and the elderly. cause everyone else was probably a bastard.


and now ive reached a point of time in a boy's life (and i can tell you quite truthfully that every boy will reach that point as well) known as Chio Bu Deprivation. or since we live and breathe in a nation which celebrates the invention of acronyms, lets call it CBD.
So like i was saying, as of late, i was going through some major serious symptons of CBD. checking out anyone i saw on two legs. stress around the eyes. built up frustration. despair and a dying hope for the future. Yes, my friends, this is CBD all right. i believe girls go through a similar ailment known as ECD (eye candy deprivation). most unfortunately i remain unversed in that field, but ill be sure to get back to you once more reserach has been done.


sigh... complications, complications.
all a result from my isolation from civilisation. i swear its annoying.


and, oh, how i dont mean it either figuratively or as an inside joke when i say im "out of coverage". but this new place is a pain to my reception. i would say back too, except sleeping on the floor is surprisingly therapeutic. anywaays, to give you an idea how sucky this place is let me give you an idea of the first time i tried going out.


after getting dressed, picked up keys, misc items and phone and took lift down. on lift, deleted more annoying messages "welcoming" me to malaysia. walked out off compound, and walked.. (no reception)... walked.. (still no reception).. 10 minutes later, nearing Downtown east. Reception!! YESS!! back in contact with the real world. still no where near it though. walk 5 more minutes for nearest bus stop, which only has one service. wait another 15 minutes for bus. Interesting enough this service is only a stop away from the interchange. one stop away. and it takes the bus more than 5 minutes to get there. >= (
grr...


to summarise and compare, from pasir ris heights, when i wanted to go city hall MRT, id leave 35 minutes before. now, when i want to go to pasir ris MRT, i leave 35 minutes before.. no. i do not like that at all. no.


so like the reason to go out was to meet jas and selvam. not really. i desperately needed to go out. jas and selvam were more like my excuses. haha kay fine, no la. but yeaa, it was great being with them. havent seen them in forever. its good catching up, having pizza, playing pool, having coffee, talking, interogating. and setting ambitions! whoo! now we all have ambitions for the future. haha. two tickets, selvam, two tickets. after we left selvam, me and jas went to buy christmas presents at TM. and dam.


presents fer christmas. shit man. now i think about it, i kill myself for not getting anythign from chennai. gaah! idiot idiot idot!! so much good stuff! so cheap! ( not the price is a matter) but still!! gaah! why was i born cheap? why, lord, why? sigh. anyways, plan on completing my shopping on sunday. swee. plus plan on carrying on my tradition of conservation this christmas. haha. that was a good christmas, that was.. mmm. good memories. priceless reactions.


speaking of priceless reactions, id just like to say this one more time, for all to hear.
"YEA!!! I GOT TICKETS FOR MUSE!!! WHOOO!!!"

haha. bite that. interesting enough, i just saw them on MTV at some concert in London. of all the times i actually watch TV, and the times i actually watch MTV, the once i do, my luck lets me catch it. mmm.


finished rentao's luck. good book. not remarkable enough though. nothing life changing. id rank it along side "the 5 people you meet in heaven" and "tuesdays with morrie".


now its best i re-read to kill a mokingbird and maybe start on wuthering heights. and catcher in the rye. must reads.


Was salvaging some more of my books from heights. found this old peanuts collection. sigh. love peanuts. the dreams. the loss. the pessimism. the cynicsm. the irony. the most depressing children's comic ever. Peanuts forever.


The opening of SomethingCoroporates 'watch the sky' and SugarCult's 'hate every beautiful day' reminds me of each other. its true. just go listen. not exactly. but similar.


and for now, ill go back to Jamisonparker. mmmm.

"...you can stay here the night, or maybe forever and no one has to know!" whooo.

feel good rock...


i want "hope for us" by jealous sound. siigh. i want!! grr...


kay i better go now. but just two thing i wanna add.

a) i dont like people feeling sorry for no reason. especialy to me
b) if there is no question mark at the end of a question, is it still a question.

bye!

im not psycho. im with her.

hahaha. its 1 in the morning and im sneezing my lungs out.


Wont let you bury it -rishik... says:
the wink has not yet been printed
i know we're cool says:
has the remote control been repaired?
Wont let you bury it -rishik... says:
as much as the tissue has been refilled
Wont let you bury it -rishik... says:
any idea when news on the sausage comes in
i know we're cool says:
at the time of the cathedrals



this is why i love geetha. she's psycho. haha.


and yeaa. doesnt it just suck, knowing that people change all the time. such a relief to know, there are those few you can rely on.

not that change is bad. change is good. helps you appreciate constantcy all the more.



bleaah. eyes. eyes say alot about people. more than people say about people. eyes betray care and concern. eyes betray affection and desire. eyes betray resentment, and dissent. eyes betray fear and anger. eyes betray lacklustre and carelessness.
thus the honest beauty of eyes.
thus the honest danger of trying to read too much into them.


im off.

AH CHOO!

eventful day

ooh. back from chennai. cow man. cow.


and what an eventful day its been.


decided to get tickets for muse.
decided to watch silent night.
watched silent night.
scraped the skin of my knee. ouch la.
scraped all my plans for this weekend cause im moving. ouch la.
raced a bus from the traffic light and won. well kinda.
did my bit for the class organised camp at En community service place.
acquired four gangsta brudders.
Jammed with kenneth. haha. right. we so did.
ate cheese prata and drank coffee.
went to marc's place.
caught up with marc, de wei, jas, michelle and all.
caught up with old st pats friends and had some good laughs.
didnt manage to meet nicholas huang. dam.
brainstormed games for the KI orientation.
thought of a proper outline for my future novel.
thought of a nice happy melody, i want to record.


whoo. joy of listing things out. haha.


ill add my entry on chennai soon enough. dont expect much. i didnt.


hmmm. do i feel overwhelmed with the stuff i have to do, and the things i want done. yep. but whatever. im sure itll work out. it always does. 17 years and im still standing dammit. whoo. cause we only live once, baby. unless you believe in reincarnation. then, thats different i guess. but then again... ah, forget it.


hmm. cant wait till this whole house moving bull is done and life resumes normality, of sorts. research papers to write, plays to act in, novels, poems and songs to write, subjects to mug for, carnivals, parties to organise, friends to appreciate and life to live. the last two being especially important. cause the rest just dont mean much without them.


and for the sake of everyone out there. im NOT emo! bleah. not my fault, im just... emotional. bleagh! at least i dont wear mascara and that striped t shirt bull.


anyways ill go now. bla bla bla.


"and it seems!! like your directing this to meee. i only go by what i see~!"
the bottom line.


gnight.

The random thoughts collection

Disorganised collection of thoughts from a rather disorganised city.


yes, ive returned.


(in a cab passing a rather dubious shop)
"Groomz for men... i wonder what kind of shop that is..."


(random observation)
"It takes someone of real confidence and independence to pull off a nose ring."



"seems like in the heirarchy of the road, there are only two categories. motorists, and the rest."


(On an auto)
"my mom is really clingy i realise... ... very clingy... ... i dont like clingy."


(First plane ride there)
"i think i like rollercoasters more than plane rides"


(super precarious roller coaster at Chennai Queen's world)
"Fuck.. fuck.. fuck.. fuck..."

Influence of my brother

i blame my brother for this.

falling for you

How to cast your hopes
by rishik Vijayadas Menon


so you think youve found the answer key
to this broken heart. lost memories.
of the last time, we tried to make this work.
its a masterpiece, its a mess, its fucking dirt
...


no wonder, im trying to figure this out
dusting off, my maps to that old house
that river runs deep, though short, its steep
its cursed with the stench of history


All i want to do is pause this light
this moment's gone, this time is right
you overrate the sand and the sea
from your surge of confidence: relief
my sinkers not tied, the currents come
washed your hate away, before i even begun
gracefully ill wait here in the deep
thinking of the times when we wont sleep.
...
...
...

stars cooperate, without a fight
ill grant, they wont talk much tonight
and they prophesise my fortune wrong
ive not taken control, but ill still cast long


Id kill to keep that lerthagy away
I deal the cards in faith, nylon lines dont fray
your spinning in the light, before my eyes
theres a spiral of smoke, your gone, i cry


all i want to do is pause this light,
this moment's gone, this time is right.
patiently, ill wait here in the deep,
thinking of the way, that we wont sleep.


im given one last chance to apologise
for my absence, and official alibis
seeming to think it matters, when
without a bait, we can only play pretend


i placed my hope out in your arms
i clamored for escape via trance
to a beach with promise of clemency
to a park where i know ill awake in dream


all i want to do is pause the light
this moments gone, this time is right
eternally, ill wait here in the deep
with the knowledge that, we just wont sleep
...
...
...
----------------

river breeze

i got cheese sausages! mmm
and raisins. delight, delight.


so today was a good day. meeting ben ow and jeremy after the longest time ever. dam ben ow, has grown taller. and yea, jeremy is still jeremy. maybe bigger, but still jeremy indeed.


had dinner with amitha and kenneth. hahaha. ehh.. yeaa... shant discuss the details here. but id just like to clarify: Its NOT my fault! yeaa. haha. and yea. if you didnt voice up earlier, thats your bad. not mine. haha. =DD


got some stuff to work on. be back soon enough.


ciao.

of movies, blank stares and inspiration

so before i start today's entry, lets all give it up for Darby conley. Whoo! such genius. so much said in such brilliantly captured frames. whoo!







haha! yeaa. sigh.

------------------------

so this is another uber old poem of mine, which i started ages ago. this morning finally completed it with the right structure, words and rythm. finally. you have no idea how inspirational and useful that time in the morning is. not quite morning, way past night. its a happy time, it is.
anyways, here it is.


Midnight Murder Mystery at the heartbreak Hotel
by re-sheeeek!


Good morning stranger
will you dance with me?
Your feeling lost,
you feel, i see.
The moon is praying
greet her quietly
and no, im not lying
just dying, truthfully.


Cause sometimes reality just cant satify
and our sanguine cries are getting out of line.
and unless we all start to make a move now.
we wont die, but our lives all end somehow.


Good evening stranger
will you tell me a tale?
No princes, no pumpkins
but where the superhero fails
The sun is knocking, patient
bursting hope, fading trails
I dont feel it in my fingers
warmth that spreads, misleading ale


cause love is something that wont help you die
your deathwish becomes painful, your body to my eyes
and without that knowledge that your safe now
without that comfort I can bring.. maybe?... somehow.


----------------------

hoot. sigh. wanna watch happy feet. wanna watch singapore dreaming. figure there are loads of great movies out there i wanna watch. soon. soon. haha. and now cause im bored, cause im not reading/ studying, not having lunch yet and i aint planning on cleaning the house just yet, ill shall occupy the next few lines with my own awards for my favourite movies. muwhahaha.


Rishik's really cool awards for movies he likes!!


Best asian horror movie: Dark water
Best twist in a Horror movie: Skeleton Key
Best ending in a mafia movie: The departed
Best opening in a mafia movie: The departed // Goodfellas
Best rock movie: Almost famous
Best Skate movie:lords of Dog Town
Best English movie about India: Mr and Mrs Ayer
Best multi-lingual movie about India: Earth
Best romantic comedy: 50 first dates
Best Romatic arthouse: Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
Most thought provoking drama: The hours
Best spaghetti western: the good the bad the ugly
Best epic in a single movie: Troy
Best epic in a trilogy: Lord of the rings
Best disney cartoon in a long while: Lilo and Stitch
Coolest fight in a mafia movie: gangs of new york
Best film to inspire leadership: remember the titans.
Most fun movie based on a comicbook: Spiderman
Best action/adventure based on a comic: daredevil // Spiderman
Best pirate action/adventure movie: Pirates of the carribean
Best movie to inspire a revolution: V for Vendetta
Best hindi movie based in the 21st century: swades
Best hindi movie based on history: Asoka
Best movie about suicide: Dead man on campus
Best british movie involving suicide: about a boy
Best movie about gay rights: the laramire project
Most cool spy movie: xXx
Best battle in a chinese movie: Hero
Best teen comdey involving rock: School of rock // freaky Friday
Best movie about cricket: lagaan
best movie about basketball: Coach carter
Best movie about baseball: Hardball
Best movie about horse racing: Seabiscuit
Best movie about american football: Longest yard // Remember the titans
Best british movie about soccer: Bend it like beckham
Bets british movie about Indians: Bend it like beckham // east is east
Funniest movie based on jokes: Monty Python and the holy grail
Funniest movie based on bad puns: Robin Hood, men in Tights
Funniest movie based on random gags: Max keeble's big move
Best spoof of high school life: Mean girls
Best adaptation of a children's book: Narnia: the lion the witch and the wardrobe
Best action movie about racing: the fast and the furious
Best movie about private school life: Dead Poet's society
Funniest christmas movie without any real 'christmas' values: Christmas with the kranks


and now for what we have all been waiting for...


rishik's all time favourite movie: Little Miss Sunshine


whooo. like we didnt see that coming. if you actually bothered to look at the whole list, good for you. you must have alot of time on your hands. haha. as do i.


anyways, im off now. lunch calls.

eternal sunshine of a spotless mind.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;"


such a beautiful movie.
i can not say that enough.
eternal sunshine of a spotless mind is simply pure beauty.
beauty.



i dunno whats up with love and memory. something about these two themes which make a heart-wrenchingly lethal mix. Time traveller's wife, 50 first dates. now this. sigh. and let me tell you, this is soo many leagues above 50 first dates, at one time (12.40 this morning?) my favourite romance movie ever. its just the sheer brilliance of the story, the characterisation and the acting which milked every emotion to its most brilliant. love, love, love it. sigh.



some people are in love with the idea of being in love i realise. im not like that.

if anything im in love with, its the idea of being depressed. but thats only on occasion of course.

or maybe i dream about dreaming. which is simply another way to say im a writer.

constantly trying, wishing, escaping. constantly falling in a sublime weird attempt to walk upright. dreaming about dreaming. lacking courage or discipline. emitting toxic fumes of pure passion and idealism. dreaming about dreaming.



if there is any one person in the world who knows me well, its my sister. dunno what id do without her. no idea what id do.



sometime i wonder if im a product of my environemnt or my genes. alot of my values, my political slantings and my virtues, ive no doubt are a product of mrs leslie. yet my temperment and my eccentricities are such dead ringers of my parent's. this love to take on leadership roles and or please authority, from my mom. the disent and resentment for the leadership roles i take on, from my father. sometimes i wonder why ive become the way ive become.

sometimes i wonder "how do i be, someone Im NOT, when i dont know the hell i am, myself". sometime i think i think too much. maybe thats just me.

the thing about my emotions are, that i dont know how i feel half the time. but the problem these days, is that the feelings of not knowing how i feel is occuring at such turbulantly high frequencies, that im buckling in at the sound. dam deafening noise. bitch-cursed migraines. id ask you to leave me alone, but i suppose i secretly revel in the knowledge i have an excuse to stop accounting for myself. audits all stop at some point.

i dont want to lose my perfect eyesight. i dont want to lose my logic and intelligence. i dont want to lose my belief in magic. i dont want to lose my 'rishik', whatever it is, that makes me, Me.



ill leave now. good night.





i dont want to lose my way. or maybe i do. maybe i already have. =)

skin

Skin by Vidyrshik Vijydas


thats her skin, its screams with a temper
of a territory untouched by man.
her eyes are steel, raw, untempered
her stare instructs you "you wont undertsand"


her skin is gleaming, its not to be tainted
by anything besides her own wish
and were she, to wish me, to be not near it
why, id be lost: to obey, or to persist?


It shines and it shimmers with a unifying echo
of the indepedence that feeds from within.
like her hair, where freedom presides in each strand
uncontrolled by 'her', much less by any 'him'.


thats her skin: in all its fresh, raw, glory
dazzling, and blowing my breathe away
to a land of not ever, and 'chance' fights 'together'
against the truth that she wont ever stay.

----------------------------

people cry all the time for different reasons. for losing a dog. for a certain 9 minute long song. for losing a phone. for failing yourself. for dissapointing a father. from sad sad movies. from being overwhelmed by life as a whole. from breakups. from being hurt. from hurting.

people cry for crying. for the relief of it all..

----------


todays OGL induction was sooo good. thank god it went well. from the one hour plus whacko to lunch, murderor, and the book fair. good.
sigh. just two more days.

----------
i wont say im missing you, if im not.
but would i, if i was.

----------


3 CDs fot ten dollars: elvis, santana and Marion Raven. mmm...
-----------

its this time of the year the clouds are at their most beautiful. see for youself. youll know what i mean.

--------

im off

random fact

random fact:

my spending habits have been changing as a kid.

from erasers to junk food.
From junk food to fast food and movies.
From movies and bowling to pool.
from junk food to CDs and books.
from CDs and books to food and cabs.


having bad bad days. and late late nights. not good ones.


im out.

Whiter shade of pale

turn a Whiter shade of pale.


quotes for the day.


"They are quite a big buch right"
"you mean in size or numbers" (hahahah!)


"They keep expanding"
"sideways too." (hahahah!)


"a few thousand takes means its a good film"
"no it means bad acting" (hahaha...)
"or bad filming" (Hahaha!)


"well you know if i kill you, where ill be"
"no, where?"
"At your funeral! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"
" O_o''....?"


haha. and so ends my day.


but before i go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1Uo5DQTtzc
the flying spaghetti monster! whoo.
dont hate me for it. im just spreading the word.

was it you

somethings offend me
somethings dont.



head throbs.
girating, dancing around and away from the duties, attacking me, flying head-on.
palipitating, uncontrollably from the forces at work.
At work indeed.


frustrated, undeniably losing touch. and not quite able to explain my reaction to affronts or effrontries. why i may keep cool with some but just fall down a path of bitter disgurntledness for the rest of you.


please dont think that this is easy. cause its fucking, not. it will be better when its over. i know it will.


dam faith. thats all this really is. faith that it will all fucking pay off. god damn blind ass faith.


---
Orientation, and all it entails.
Ki orientation and all it promises
drama and all i can dream of
events, and functions and all i owe to them
CNY, HC camp and all im averse to
poetry slam, H3 lit, IS and all im embarrased of
subjects and essays and all i have to live up to.

---


last night i wanted to break free. no it was this morning. i was up. awake. restless. and calm. such a wonderful mix of idealism and passion. such a ill-timed mix. then it started raining. and it caused ideas and thoughts, one after another to come flying at me, realisation taking on a present tense.
Realisation that i still want to run away into the rain, to the park and be quiet and in control. that i cant. that even if i did go through the motion of it all, it wouldnt be the same and that it would end in crap. that the circumstance of responsibility has soured the flavour and now no amount of salts gonna make a difference. realisation also that i now had something to work towards. A future where i can run back to the park and slow time down. excercise that power i had, and lost a long time ago. oh the irony of it all. sigh. but it will happen. ill live that life again. i know.



the best pasta i ever had was with mrs leslie, dharvin and i think christopher, marc and justin gium at the british club. it was a salmon pasta. i dont remember what kind of pasta it was. i dont remember if the salmon was raw or smoked. dont remember what sorta cheese it was. but i remember how creamy and milky the sauce was. and how everything went so great together. the sauce, the cheese the salmon. how it was the most palatable thing that entered my mouth in a long time. how it was a promise of the life i thought i was heading towards.


enough of me. im out.

time wasting

Hearing Test Results

You correctly identified 26 tunes (out of 26) on the Distorted Tunes Test. Congratulations! You have a fine sense of pitch.
Thank you for taking the Distorted Tunes Test. More information about the the NIDCD's research into tone deafness is available from Dr. Dennis T. Drayna's web page.
http://www.nidcd.nih.gov/tunetest/

what a waste of time.

poems im workin on
"I wished i was an angel"
"no child of mine"
"skin"

anyways, here goes chapter one of "day dreams and noir nights". Or "the narrator". these are working titles.

"It starts with the end. Always does doesnt it. and this time was no different. no different from the last Damien's dad kicked him out of the house for breaking the curfew. no different from the last time both of them were reeking of alcohol and getting pissed at each other. no fucking different. no fucking different from each other. not that damien was one to deny that.
'but fuck man. ive got fucking school tomorrow. and whats he want me to do? go late? or really early, in my home clothes, wet from the dumbass rain. bullshit.'
and oh how right he felt. Absolut has a funny way of making you feel like that. How so damn right you are. so right then, Damien took the first bus he saw (incidentally the last bus in service) down to ang mo kio to spend the night at his friend, Sean's place. And thats the way this dreamy tale of teen angst, teen confusion, the meaning of life and all that jazz, goes.


It was raining in Pasir Ris but the remaining monsoon that watered the east seemed to have spared Ang Mo Kio from the wash. The lucky SBS which Damien caught was about as empty as the seats of Phua Chu Kang the musical; which doesnt mean it was totally empty: just the people who DID get on, were either there by accident or were people you dont bother about very much in your day to day life.
the nobodies. the side cast. fillers and extras making our scenes and moments in public feel less important, and distracting us from the truth: that everyone out there is actually soley interested in us. and aint that the real truth, huh? thats right. we know it. dont act like we dont. cause in this sad boring world of yours, all that matters is me, me, me. 16-fucking-acne-faced-yar-old-me. id pull a somesault, or talk to myself relatively loudy in public, as i buy my sunday morning prata, to confrim my theory. but that would be too much effort really. why bother when we already know the higher truth.


The seats were fresh-torn from punks ten rides ago, and Damien was nicely settled in. his legs pressed hard, folded, against the chair in front of his, dangling in front of him, feets off the ground. his back slouched so low down, it was where his ass should have been. he knew he was gonna get pins and needles sitting that way, but he wasnt gonna budge anytime soon. hell no. it was cool dammit. not that he needed anyone to tell him what cool was. cause if they did, they wont be too cool of him, see. but he understood what was cool. Cool FM, psychic airwaves fed him and played into his ear drum 24/7. cool vibes from cool people. That and his brother's decade old CD player. too old to be cool. too new to be retro. and that was cool too. damn.


"Oi, Sean. you awake. hey listen man.. haha. ehh. i need sorta like a favour. no i dont wanna get laid. fuck you man! im serious. hey listen, listen.. see the thing is. i cant go home. yeaa, my dad wont let me. yeaa. fuck you la, just hear me out. oi! no no... yea.. so anyways, i just wanna ask, is it okay if i stay the night? yes yes, ill be good. i wont do anything naughty. dude, your talking to me here. Damien. Day-Me-ern. Gaaah! dont be an asshole! please man, ple... Whoo! yes, i know. i know. your the man. totally. kay ill be there in half an hour kay. yea yea. your the man. thanks bro, thanks. kay ill see ya there. thanks!"

Sean really was a bastard, you could say. For starters he bastardized his own name. Lim Chow Sean, pronounced 'Lim' 'Chow' and 'Sien' pronounced the way that would make any 40-something year old aunty beam with pride suddenly became "Shawn" overnight. Not that he got away with it easily. "shawn chow shawn", "chow shawn" and "Lim Peh" were the names and price he had to pay for his trechery. But we all get niknames dont we. Just dont try and get a nikname for yourself. cause no matter what ur real name is, or what you choose your nikname to be, naming urself...no...thats just lame. and you dont want to be lame now, do you?..."


Kay thats enough of a sneak peak for you all. not too sure im happy with this start though. have a few more ideas i wanna try. a few more starting scenes or starting lines. hmmms. comments comments, please. wont be offended. unless you accuse me of copying someone else. then im afraid ill have to slap you. yeaps.


kays im off. going hiking later at 8. bleah!

how close before you open

"you ared. a violent red." Taking back sunday.


and newsweek perpetuates the myth of vietnam. And lining the top of the November 20th 2006 copy, goes the words " Vietnam: how the south won".

what fcukshit is that. dont mind me now as i quote and rant for the next five minutes or so.


"Hanoi's communist might have won the vietnam war, but southern born reformist are leading an economic boom as the country opens up to the world."


dickward. typical of an american news agency to ignore the fact that the vietnam war started as a civil war within south vietnam, and essentially remained so even after the US and DRV got involved. history gets whitewashed and eveything else, from perpectives to understandings, gets blurred. reality is uncertain, and nothing can be 'sure' anymore than i can be 'him'. doesnt really leave us as individuals with much to strive for. to quote vernon god little (which ive been doing alot lately) the world is filled with "fucken people. fucken people and their fucken human wants. get in the way of their wants and your screwed. serve those wants and youll find yourself doing good".


to sum it all up, everything is bull... and here we are human beings living in this world of bull, trying to surface to something greater in a world of people (and here i use the word people and human differently) but it become so immensely difficult to without becoming bull ourselves. so we resign, give up, forgetting about trying to change the world or making any impact, by creating our own little bubbles and living it out there as long as we can with our friends, music, and readings. the game shifts from the original intention to change, to a strategy of wait...


wait...


The following is part of a passage by Shashi Tharoor (Under Sceretary United Nations). Really struck a chord with me, especially after writing the above paragraphs, and talking to nicholas recently about life.


"So I have had no difficulty in saying openly that I am a believing Hindu. But I am also quick to explain what that phrase means to me. I'm not a "Hindu fundamentalist": I see Hinduism as uniquely a religion without fundamentals.


We have an extraordinary diversity of religious practices within Hinduism, a faith with no single sacred book but many. Hinduism is, in many ways, predicated on the idea that the eternal wisdom of the ages about divinity cannot be confined to a single sacred book. We have no compulsory injunctions or obligations. We do not have a Hindu Sunday, let alone a requirement to pray at specific times and frequencies.


Unusual religion.


What we have is a faith that allows each believer to reach out his or her hands to his or her notion of God.


Hinduism is a faith which uniquely does not have any notion of heresy - you cannot be a Hindu heretic because there is no standard set of dogmas from which deviation would make you a heretic.


So Hinduism is a faith so unusual that it is the only major religion in the world that does not claim to be the only true religion. I find that most congenial. For me, as a believing Hindu, it is wonderful to be able to meet people from other faiths without being burdened by the conviction that I have embarked upon a "right path" that they have somehow missed. I was brought up in the belief at all ways of worship are equally valid. My father prayed devoutly every day, but never used to oblige me to join him: in the Hindu way, he wanted me to find my own truth. And that I believe I have. It is a truth that admits of the possibility that there might be other truths. I therefore bring to the world an attitude that is open, accommodating and tolerant of others' beliefs. Mine is not a faith for those who seek certitude, but in an era of doubt and uncertainty, a religion that cheerfully accommodates both."


id usually tend to avoid religion in my blog, but id like to let this time, be an exception.


cheers. im out of here. to wherever my sms-es, guitar and books will lead me next.

return to sender

my parents.

i swear. ive no idea if they are possibly the best couple there is or the worst parents. their both so flawed, it almost cancels each others flaws out. like a poker card castle, all leaning in onto each other, so precariously, so stable.
but its only human to be flawed. it really is.



i woke up in new york city from my sleep behind the wheel. sigh.


had SUCH a strange dream last night.
a computer game about alice in wonderland. a few scenes of the game reminding me of 'nightmare before christmas'. rannald was the scarecrow. hunting the witch
my sister driving me at some points. ctaching the witch in my washing machine with amitha, using my shorts. my sister making snide witty jokes from some wall with miss nansi and mr rajesh. geetha and her 'friends' dancing and playing some barnyard animal game. some garden partt being organised by the new batch of SECDC people. Nivit and Claudyn running everything. andrea, marc, dean and sharon angdragon also there all waiting backstage to do something. nadiah from debates and nadia bein asked to emcee. nadiah's parents forcing away, and not letting her take part and driving away in a maroon nissan sunny. nadia looking unhappy. taking the lift with nadia and things start shaking and toppling over.


yeaa. weird. the only three scene in the dream was me travelling (where i entered the game) which was really freaky. the garden party scene. and the washing machine room scene.



im sure there were more scenes i forgot. its an amazingly long and strange dream.



kay im off. need to finish my two poems.

damn.

ages since ive gone out with my old st pats friends.

and there is just this something about them which makes it so easy to get along and let my guard down. no need to be sensitive. no need to worry bout how rude or mean or bastard i get. in fact its almost the opposite. the more bastard i am the more they recieve. haha. alas, i miss those days.


kyle, shane, joshua, kawai, mike.. gone so long. ah well... soon enough.


conspiracies take up my day. but alls well that ends well.


you have no idea do you...

clueless, clueless, you. sigh.


gonna sleep. debates tomorrow. borrowed books to read. badminton to be played. toilet to be cleaned.
gaah! later la. cow.

sunday

"we can do better than this. we are better than this."


drew sidora is hot.


kay im gonna sleep.


i need a secretary. organise ME!

a mime is a terrible things to waste

a mime is a terrible thing to waste. but eventually, when the silence is broken, my wits were bound to lead me to this path. so if ever you hear me preaching the benefits of petunias in a shaddy underpass along east coast park, dont say i didnt warn you. with sanity as precarious as mine, some things were bound to happen.


I hear noises at night. and i dont mean the opening of doors and banging of cupboards which i do hear right now, even though im alone at home. I hear distinct articulate and individual voices all whispering clearly to me from their various directions. i hear what they say, and try and make sense of it, cause i speak the truth when i say their words are new to me, and were not the projection of thoughts which i already possessed.


Ive seen people from the corner of my eyes dissapear, and send shivers down my spine. and im not talking about vague unformed forms and shadows of silhouettes of men, who upon a closer glance reveal themselves to be the most banal of objects in a most coincidental of arrangement. no, for i see vivid and sculpted feature, i see watches and worn down textures of checked shirts dissapear, when i turn, only to expose a background which the figure formally interrupted.


i have this most unexplainable tendency for allowing my memories to overlap. memories of different experiences, of experiences which have not yet happened, and memories of how certain event were supposed to happen. all overlapping in my mind, confusing me profusely. and for every deja vu that strikes, im striken twice, making predictability and randomness two equally confounding expressions which means nothing to me.


Ive lived 13 years in a terrace which i swear houses a boggart. one that breaks the appliances, leaks the roof, slams the door, misplaces our belongings and attracts the insects. the same biggart whose hand my sister saw closing the door on her, that friday night. the same boggart whom i talk to when im alone at home, and responds with thuds from the attic. The same boggart currently responsible for the sudden and increased frequency of decay. from the breaking of floor tiles to kitchen tops to toilet flushes. or perhaps its the movement of that boggart and its absence which is spawning the breakdwon.


Ive no doubt ive gone nuts. when sparrows circle the hawker centre their little voices yell in my mind "REVOLUTION, REVOLUTION, REVOLUTION!!!".
when i order a burger at BK, i strain my neck to look for the enslaved elflings working arduosuly in the kitchen.
when a glance at a certain black cat in my neighbourhood cause me to picture a certain girl i saw once at bugis.
when i cant help but associate rollerblades with zebras and time travel.


ah well. itll work out in the end.



elsyeeum's "your all i want" is beautiful. such deep grand and deliberate power. such control and depth. incredible. love the tone. even if the lyrics are a little uninspired.

this is right now

This song was started on mid autumns night, many a fridays ago, after a brilliant movie of a little girl and her family, and one of the most awake nights i spent at fort canning park.

the chorus deserves so much better verses. im still not satisfied with this version.. hmmm.


Mid autumn's Night
by Rishik V. Menon

and i said something..sometime back
along the lines..of "what the heck"
of "i dont care"..of what they think
am i way too rude.. am i out of sync
tuning up.. half three notes down
jotting down.. all the notes ive found...


moving in.. i find a stray
he's the one.. god gave away.
this room is dusty.. this room is gone.
these hills are alive.. from haze and song.
marvelling.. life's lack of stability
bordering..on mediocrity


bothering, so sweetly.


im begging for some life
in this mid-autumn's night
to take me anywhere. far away.
away from here.


im salvaging all my dreams
in this october somber scene
in the hope that ill get there. over there!
awaay~ From here!


looking forward.. to the day
cause it means.. nights not far away
looking back.. at my concrete dreams
feeling troubled..by what that means
taking time off.. for my green tea frappes
my barcadi breezers.. off like a trap...


whistling away.. snapping around
dodging at any.. administrative sound
diving deep.. into the grass
finding words.. which arnt too crass
finding me.. in this mess
painful to see.. ive so much less


less than i ever was.


im begging for some life
in this mid-autumn's night
to take me anywhere. far away.
away from here.


im slavaging all my dreams,
in this october sombre scene.
in the hope that ill get there. over there.
waay. away from here.


(Im embracing all this silence...)
im embracing all this sileeeencceee!!!!


and yea.. im begging for some life.. in this mid autumn's night.
take me anywhere. anyhere, away from here..
im salvaging all my dreams.. in this october sombre scene.
in the hope that ill get there, over there...yeaa... away from here...


away from here.

questions and silence

ted haggard's gay. hmmm. interesting...


there was something on my mind... i cant remember what now... hmmm...it had to do with me. thats all i know. but what... what was it... sigh.


so yesterday started out at a pretty fucked up day. 15 dollar cab ride for a meeting which starts half an hour late, tends to make you feel that way. getting caught for something which you didnt do wrong is also extremely pissing off. wtf la mr chang. i have no idea how ur mind works. and im glad for it.


The only thing more annoying than trying to force myself to 'respect' or 'remain humble' with people with so shockingly backward a thinking process is perhaps trying to be patient with people who condescend towards me. critical thinking my ass. we do that in KI. whatever man.


but yesterday ended well. haha. nothing like a jog with a friend. nothing like the night well spent. nothing like feeling liberated from that chain that connects you to the big spider web in the sky. nothing. well. nearly nothing at least.


and in the mean while the rest of us have to wait patiently as gravity slowly sucks me back to my hell hole. now with added sugar. sucks doing work which means nothing to me. but itll all be over soon enough. PW. orientation. CNY carnival. mega house function. HC camp.
and hearing their voice go on and on about "this is our year. this is our batch. we need to make an impression", you really cant blame me for being so cynical. bollocks to ur ego. bollocks to all that bull. no ones gonna remember you when you leave dammit. No one steps in the river twice. Your there once, and your imprints are washed away, so please dont drag me d(r)own with you in your blinded attempts to force our names onto the sand. d(r)own. down.


Decembere 11th 2005, i wrote of a temporary victory of mine. a victory of character. but it seems like the war has started all over again. back to square fucking one. gaaah. here we go again.


i dont wanna do it alone. but i cant really help this cicrumstance i find myself in right now. the fluidity of my company and my "in-between" location making this the most inopportune time for selfdiscovery. hmph.


----------------------
its always been awkward. and strange as it sounds, i blame the company. i really do.
----------------------


kay, my dads gone for bangkok, and ive no real plans till like 4, so nows a good time to finish one of my poems.


"maybe when im done with endings, this can begin.."


be gin.
be right back.

bite me

"im still not Deee-aaaad!"

riverboat gamblers. haha. sweet.


you know what. im feeling claustraphobic.


work calls to me. my calendar is screaming for some ink. my laundry, some soap. my dad, some hands.


"no tomorrow" by Orsons..
whistle, nod ur head, snap ur fingers as we stroll towards the mess of our own making together.


"oo- o0- Wo- OH!"

mmm. smiles.

dreadfully uncomfortable

dreadfully uncomfortable.

alot has been going on.


departed. soup spoon. poetry slam. pool. results. HC elections. HC meetings. OGL meetings. mr tong meetings. SECDC debate camp 2. Basketball with ryan and random bballers. tamil exams. NLB. sakae sushi. PW rehearsals.


things happen, and events in our life tend to take us from moment to emotion to moment to emotion. but in the sum of all things, there is always that overarching sense and mood that undertones the disected parts. trying to come to terms with that mood, can leave you more troubled and disconnected than my usual treshold allows for.

im not at ease. not now, no.

...
still not finished orientation script. gaaah.


"Running away, i cant pretend..."

i know i should be working on my orientattion script at the moment. and/or my IR. but the release this typing and venting gives me is far to tempting to avoid. hoots.


listening to "all time low" by hellogoodbye. good band, they be.


The departed has earned its place in my list of all time favourite movies. Just under 'Little miss Sunshine" and somewhere above "gangs of new york". SUCH a good movie.


was thinking to myself how my life would have been if i just stayed in hockey in TJ from day one. no debates no council. just hockey. things sure would be different. for one, i would probably stay in science. for another i would never have gotten involved in debates and poetry slam and such. i might still have known my classmates, but it wouldnt have been the same. id probably be darker and more fit. id probably avoid all problems and entanglements with mr tong too. hmmm...


god bless me. pressures building.


im off.

HAHA!

hahahah!

just love the look on fletcher's face. hahaha.. siigh...

nothingnice rocks. something i can relate to, in terms of humour. ...

kay, im kinda messed up in terms of my plans for the rest of the week...and month... and year...

but whatever. im think ill manage. haha.

...

ooh. ive got cold! aint that something!

...

...

anyway before i leave, one more time, from the man!

Hoot!

wonderous literature

(Possibly the most annoying post you are about to read) muwhaahah!
--------------------------
Even before i was born, too many people have written about writing, read about reading, or not read and/or not wrote about neither, too many times for any discussion of this so-called 'meta-lit' to be considered remotely fresh or ingenious in anyway. and in similar spirit, all discussion of "XX" within "XX" in some annoying attempt to impress mr rajesh should be made illegal , if laws of sound waves and singapore, permit. But they dont, so, hell with that possibility. But returning to my earlier tangent, i suppose what im trying to say is, that a discourse or commentary on lit, should be taken as lightly as possible, and after beating in (or out) the 'deeper meaning' to its death, while trying to find it, i trust all will appreciate my expounding on the topic while practising as little a principle of charity as possible, and as big a refrain in the analysis of my clumsy, unintentional words. cause somethings were truly meant to be purely read but not performed, discussed or pondered on.



Its almost distant when i look back at the past and fancied myself literary is some manner of speaking, (of course spoken with a certain manner of pride). But i know now of course that im not. Merely meandering about in my musings sadly made me a milksop for meaning,instead of the master of the language i so marginally clung onto.


Twas last night upon hearing the admirations andrea (maybe rannald and amitha) had for my study and its contents that evoked this feel. A cordial bitter mix of pride and shame, from my relations. pride for having such well read and tasteful parents, and shame from not living up. Only I know too well of my love for picking books off a shelf and never finishing it (barely starting). This academic laze and stupor from which has resulted in the bookmarks between "a thing or two about cutis and camilla", "god of small things", "the crucible", "duchess of malfi", "great expectations" becoming permanent fixtures to their lucky page numbers, is something that im desperately trying to fight; and perhaps its really simply my efforts at fighting thats keeps this thin enough faccade for people like kenneth to include me amongst the 'literature people'. The effort to fight it. But effort only gets you "f"s, and F is not what i want. And though im not a Philistine, im finding hard to justify my lackadaisicalness. Buts thats just how i remain in both my writing and my reading habits. and so ill keep getting my "f"s. An "F" for footloose and carefree. another "f" for foolhardy and brash. and a third "F" for the Fun of it all. this brazen attitude and overconfidence is misplaced, and the source of all my rants..


but i dont see myself changing anytime soon, cause to be rather frank, im having fun. and i apologise for not being that ferocious bookworm i wish i was, but these occasional bites i help myself to, now and then, and my periodic dabble with my cooking pan has given me poetry to sustain my lie. my shelves stay decked, ill use the same excuse of a lack of time, and every now and then ill try and rhyme, and ill nod my head, when a reference is made, to some book or soem author and when some clever witticism has been made. if only i knew how witty it was. i wont die from never reading lord of the rings, and i can do with summarised version the movies present, as sad and unglamarous as these confessions may be. and that IS partly me. the disgraceful result when a lover of a good story and admirer of fine lines decides to fuel his diet with a quick-fix alternative.


so having dealt with that stigma, and fairly cleaning myself from all possible association with the upper circles of the vanguards of Trivium, i now must clarify to the side of men's health and harry potter fans, that Im not a total ignoramus, and that i sadly cannot claim to belong to either camp. And, well, it has been more than 5 years ago in a book fair at my primary school when i first picked up two books whose melancholy nature and surreal illustration caught my attention, and 13 X 13 chapters later I can proudly say ive been a true reader and a fan. That series of unfortunate events might have ended in bittersweet non-conclusion, but its left me feeling more fufilled as a student of literature than most paragraphs can claim credit for. ive felt enlightened, and in control, and the flow and play of words and letters entranced me like a girl ive once known who wanted to sing a song (but thats another story). but that series, and this is part which ive been unintentionally driving at, had this most serene and encapsulating ultimatum, that no amount of education or vocabulary could quite allow me to express. but we try to anyway, cause if we didnt, our role on this earth sure seems mighty unjustified. and the moral, it goes something like this.


that things end and things start all the time. that litertaure and novels and stories can never give the full picture. that we will never know if darcy and lizzy lived ever so happy, or why vernon little's dad was who he was. That life goes on, and that we will only be able to fill the middle chapters, always looking behind our shoulders and beyond the horizon, never knowing or coming close to predicting what lies ahead, or understanding why we lie where we lie now. that there can be no real conclusions. and while chapters end all the time, life doesnt.


so as much as i love lit, i must admit, im not the greatest of pupils. but to hell with all that. i love it. and right now. and right here. thats all that matters. and no amount of over-reading or contemplating into any meaning which can possibly be derived for a 17 year old's rantings and incoherent remarks about a seeminly singular subject, can ever explain this aesthetic experience and high. so with one last toast, and goodbye: cheers! cause im not pretending to know anything i dont. im merely commenting inspite of it.

The monsoon has begun.

And if i owned a horse and had loads of free time, id race up down the street of pasir ris heights delcaring to all who would listen "THE MONSOON HAS COME!!! THE MONSOON HAS COME!!" sigh... maybe sing the opening song from the movie 'lagaan'. yeaa. hmmm. well i might have. haha.


sweet sweet rain. siigh. nothing so beautiful wakes you up like the rain. the sheer power and poetry of it all. breathtaking.


and nothing is more annoying than being dragged out of bed at 8-freagin AM to prepare for a lunch party. gaah! its a lunch party! LUNCH! we have lunch at 2! come on....


and put in context with the fact that i came home around 1 or so last night, and today is a holiday... grrr! not exactly making me the happiest of 17 year-olds right now.



But last night was definitely a blast. everyone who came. jeremy, marc, alfred, alex, ben mao, dominic, michael joo, laurel, jonny 'bau' Eu, brandon wong, christopher, and all. dammit man. these guys are great. and i feel so freaking awake around them. i feel louder, unafraid to make jokes and laugh, to 'suan', tease, yell, cheer, make noise... you get the idea. its amazing how when im surrounded by them another side of me comes out. a side thats happier, louder, braver. A side that feels smart, witty, in control of the situation, and significant. A side that knows what he's doing and knows how he's doing it, and doesnt regret zit.


I never stuttered so much before coming TJ. I never cut myself short in mid sentence when i realised i was about to say something stupid. So much changes. And its really not me who has changed. Merely the circumstance which surrounds me.


So before heading down to marina south to meet my rocking ex-classmates, was at my aunt's place. was listening to my dad talk to my uncle. was pretty funny. he was speaking in proper english, inserting a tamil word every ten words or so. haha. so contrived. so amusing.


Tamil exam next friday. bleagh. dont wanna think about my A levels. Which include PW of course. ironic cause the reason i turned on the com is to finish up my little script for my OP and start on my little I & R.


So have any of you ever wondered, why is it most cleaning products like to be 'lemony' clean, when it comes to floors, kitchens, and clothes. but 'minty' clean for our mouths. point to ponder on...


Realised the above while tidying up the house this morning, fer our deepavali lunch thingy. sigh. once again i must tell everyone how beautiful my house is. Not for what it is, but for where it is. and what it allows me to feel. waking up in the morning opening my back door to a view of greenery. lazing on my bed, and seeing a pair of brown and white birds, dancing, and chirping. all happening before me, at eye level. taking a few more steps into the balcony to see butterflies flying from my hibiscus to the lime tree. gazing into clouds. and lying on the roof at night getting lost in the stars, and the lovely Moon.


but all good things HAVE to come to an end...do they?... = S


but they'll all end. and all i can do right now is wait. and enjoy. and wait for more to enjoy.

its over-pumped with anxiety: this feeling. thinking of what i have to do, what i want to do, and when ill have to do it all. this eagerness of a sort to get it all over. humph. im sure i can do it. im sure i can make it. its just the wait before thats killing.


the after-rain is beautiful. screw PW. im going go skate. or run. or walk. doesnt really matter, when you think about it.

harbouring not-so-wholesome intentions

so begins my series of disjointed paragraphs. rock on readers. all the best.




sigh. happy deepavali to all yee deepavali-celebrators out there..
would have said Indian... but, not quite all apply. would even say hindus... but, once again....



so went to my cousin's place. was pleasent. watching TV. eating. discoveirng the wonders of "garage band", and getting jealous about not owning a mac, a lifebook and a proper speaker system. regardless of how old they may be. grrr... So jealous.




sometimes deepavali really just feels like an excuse for a family gathering more than anything else. not that im complainin.




apparently nicholas huang had my taste in music all along, and i had no idea. wow. who would have thought man? sigh.



learning 'kiss me' on me guitar now, as its supposed to help my rythm. danm. the "garage band' programme was dam cool. sigh. if only there was like a windows version.



classmates came over last night and we watched 'The hours". beautiful show. beautiful house. sigh. im really gonna miss the place. its everything i need. its what i grew up in. from kindergarten to primary school to secondary school to JC. this was always where i came home to. sakina and sabrina are coming over tomorrow again to watch Narnia. whoot.


talked to Jaz on MSN earlier. made me think... hmmm...


which of the following two scenarios would be worse? someone who doesnt believe in god marrying someone who does. or two people who both believe in god, but are from different religions. haha. feel free to post comments on this. my opinion's still not formed yet.





seeing as how its been more than a week since promos ended, and nearly a month since miss nansi loaned me god of small things, i really think i owe it to her to finish it by monday.



Me and kahi at Openhouse. talk about impromptu.

--------------------------------------------


quiet admiration for Artistic Pleasantry.
by Vidyarishik Vijayadas Menon


Its the notice that is due
thats getting me so high
Im keeping my smile subdued
My heart tells me i should try
Its against all reasoning
or the rules which are put down.
youve enchated me, so lightly
im hardly falling, im falling down


oh will you please. look. away.
so i can look at your face.
oh will you now. stay. my way.
its your absense, thats getting me
displaced.


your eyes dance with a quiet flame
a wrath that i dare not arouse
your tongue drips with brilliant causerie
the dryest moments, it does douse.
yet i keep my intentions hidden
cause im over run with fear.
and im almost next to certain
that im not one whom youll endear.


so will you please. look. away.
so i can look at your face.
oh will you now. stay. my way.
its your absence, thats getting me
displaced.


if i could look into your mind.
if i knew only knew you more.
there just enough to form a memory
there so much left, left unexplored.
if life and love were way more simple
if i only knew just what you meant
am i over reading into your messages
even if no such message was sent.


..Its a quiet admiration...
That making me wish....


That youll: Look! away!
so i can look at your face!
and please, will you stay. my way.
Its your absence! your absence! that getting me...
thats getting me displaced.


--------------------------------------------------------


dora says hi. haha. =)
im off.

so where do i go

so where do i go. from here on now.


fuck man. you think your back and running again, but then life just had to come and blow you down. like the little spider spinning its web. spinning. working. so hard against the sheer immense breath of nature. no prizes as to who wins, that battle.



fuck grades. its not that. its the comments. the truth behind this shared sentiments of all my tutors. thats what hurts. i dont care if do badly, frankly... cause thats not real to me. but i hurt. and i bleed. when i know im not doing justice to myself intellectually. when im not thinking in depth and rigour. when they say im not evaluating, and i know they are right. when they say i have clumsy expression, and i cant begin to say how ashamed that makes me feel. so thats it really. my embrassment of not being a 'thinker'. thats what i want. to achieve that higher level of udnerstanding and analyzing. thats it. sigh. and this may just be the first time i need to work so hard for something.



but yes. ill appeal for H3 lit. cause its about passion. and interest. and for that lesson in life, i can only thank my dad. and you know what. we are captains of our own destinies. and ive not been a very good captain so far. about time i regain control of this ship. siigh...



fuck la... i hate chocking back tears... and having to do so so many times in a single day... arghh!


and i asked you "why"
did it come to this
there was never an answer
when i didnt insist
that you stop right there.
your words arnt healing... oh no.


im killing myself. slowly.
im trying to be true,
dont wanna choose... dont wanna choose...


good night. its really the greatest of ironies in life that leave the sharpest scar. cruel, crule life.

Spent

Spent.


my mind is fucking spent.
my wits have hit their end,
i thought i was nearly broken
but my heart wont fucking bend.


so dont lose heart. no matter what. dont lose faith.


and while this bitch ass of a face off might remain un-fucking-resolved, at least i leave with a clear mind and conscience, and stand on what kind of a person YOU are.


and fuck...


as overwhelmed as i was.. as stressed and taut i felt, the feeling of clearing all my tasks was incredibly relieving.


so what if i screwed my tamil, and history, and god knows what else. so what if nearly everything else is a mess. the fact that i managed to get jobs done, keep appointments, keep teachers updated, and get things out of the day. one by one, it was getting good.


and every "thanks" from a superior or junior, every online "hug" or "take cares" made their mark. thanks so much.


touching up on PW. the relief is immense. siigh. its just one day i know.
tomorrow it starts again. as early as 7, it all resumes. but for now... im at peace again...


for now...

------------------

thanks so much to my friends again. you guys really make this 'brink-of-breakdown' loser pull through. all of you. whoot. im here. im in trouble. whatever. im good to go.

panadol induced sleep!

"sleep with all the sheets off, baring your mattress, baring your soul!"

dashboard confessional R.O.C.K.s. i can never stress that enough. haha. they rock. mmhmm...

--------------------------------------------------------
haha. chatting with alex, jeremy and joshua. madness. haha. these guys rock. i swear.


"NJ is a FAG school."
"TJ is a chink school."
"Cj is a.... catholic school!"
"...Poly... POLY SUCKS!"


hahahaa.



Josh says:
SOMEONE DIED
teddy says:
MUAAHAAHAHAH
Josh says:
OH SHIT
i OWNZ in lawn bowls says:
now i understood there'd be pie?
Josh says:
pie?
You bring the victim i bring the fire- rishik... says:
who hit who's eye?
Josh says:
not too sure about that.. but i know cake.


it just went on like that the whole way...

from mother tongue, to how its posible to get 2/100 for a paper, and everything else from then on just got waaaay WAAAY too random to document... sigh.


st pats has, does and will always have a special place in my life.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

i love the seaaa.... daammit...


kay im gonna do PW now... cause it seems like the right sorta thing to do. sigh.

its dry without you

"were not wannabes anymore"


"close your eyes, fall asleep and try and wake up away from the future."


"better be psycho than boring"


"sometimes sense sucks the meaning out of things"


"I will follow you into the dark"


"i rarely talk to you seriously"
"your not missing out on anything great"


"so the other day on my way home, i was making a 'fuck you' list in my mind. sorta like a 'thank you' list, just more refreshing."


"busy... yeaah. expect more in the future."


"we are like an island on our own... and then there is a sea around us. of sharks! yeaa.. and then there are a few seagulls. and a few people in the sea trying to swim towards our island... yaaar."


"Baaaah! it a philosphy."


"im off"

tired

bleaaah... so dam tired...


interesting how days turn out, opporunities are created, choices made, paths fork, performances are played, and life gets reflected over dinner at an obscure coffeeshop in pasir ris.


"how poetically vague"

anyways basically today was a tiring shit ass day. somehow getting roped in to play bass for MCS band. and it started with a simple pick. haha. so i was juggling rehearsal( which turned out to be 2 hours in the end), guiding (stupid unfriendly sec 4s), talkin, skating...it felt realy 'bla' after awhile exactly who and what i was supposed to be helping. drama, debates, mcs, ics, sc, hc....


really got to my head. everything so muddled and messed up. so i went to skate to give myself some freedom to think. sigh. skating on the track. wtf was i thinking. but nvm about that, the point is, it really cleared my thinking a little. sigh. nice to sit on the grass. and not think..


"you lack intellectual discipline."
(eyes widen) "I ... lack intellectual discipline??"
"its not your not intelligent. its you lack intellectual discipline. rigour in your answer. rigour and discipline when you analyse... its not too late. it can be developed..."
"it... what.... okay..."


haha. sounded like i had a disease man, the way it happened. haha.
sigh. i dont wanna be a dissapointment... i really dont... especially in english: cause thats all ive got to hold on to. sucks being so painfully monolingual. sucks stuttering on sentences and eating up words.


on a side note, i realise with the tagboard down, ive become really uninspired to write... blog. whatever...


http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

this site is so cool... im serious. almost as touching as time travellors wife.


hmmm. i wanna get pics of my performance. i think ash has some... siigh.
-------------------------------------------------

ive always made it a general rule to
1)avoid fallin for someone who isnt likely gonna fall fer you in return.
2)never get into a relationship based on the 'why not' factor.
3)never confide anything to anyone until im sure of how im feeling myself.


bull man. if only i followed it.
------------------------------------------------


get a guitar tomorrow. maan...


Saw arthur at today's openhouse. was good to talk to him. really been long. haha. ill never forget those guys. my 4E1 classmates. siigh. good friends they were.... sigh. gotta have a get together soon... soon...


" i think i realised bout rishik's friends from st pats is that they all speak with an accent."
haha. thats not totally true. but strangely it swells me a little bit with some sorta strange misplaced pride.



kay i really should go sleep. ive hit a stage where im just yabbering pointlessly now. and i think tomorrow, besides an accoustic, i wanna buy band shirts, lemony snicket's "the end" and chocolate milk... mmmmm.


night.

wonderous nights

haha. laughing never came with such ease in a while.

but before i start on another episode of inarticulate rambling, let me share with you two quotes.

"The night may be young... but we're still underage."
hahahah! sigh. i love that one. shameless, yes, but i still think its funny.
this other one came to me in a dream.
"When love is worth more than one US dollar, you know the economy is working."
hahah. omg. how psycho is that. these days i dont even wanna think about what my dreams means. haha.



sigh. those pyscho dreams of mine: fratless bass guitars, sand dunes and beaches, soccer, fences, kites, guys wearing NYGHS uniform and the moon. hmmm...


anyways, yesterday yesterday! haha. went out with phipps, theodore and huang. and dammit. what can i say. these guys really crack me up. i suppose it happens. after four years of your life, your bound to get close to some people. and the experiences you share really grow rich and amazing and bursting with stories and excitement. i doubt there was ever a moment when we were silent. ever. thats the best part about it. the continuous never pausing rambling, 'suan'ing, 'cunn'ing, cussing, cursing, insulting, joking, laughing, teasing. its good to see them again. its good to be in their company again. thats really it. their company. cause nothing comes close to that in TJ, or anywhere else. and ive no idea how long ive gotta wait till i appreciate as hearty a laugh or a toast or a story as that again. the personalities of the four of us. i dunno man. its just.. hilarious. scouts man... this is what i owe scouts. the memories, the stories and the friendships.

(Huang, me and theo) Phipps is taking the pic.

i once held this belief, its easier to talk to people you dont know, cause there is less you guys have been through together (thus more 'new' things to talk about). but last night really shattered that. its not how much you have "NOT TALKED" about yet, that lends to how much there is left to talk about. its how much you "HAVE BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER", that allows for more conversation. tis really true. indeed.


sigh. dang i love sleeping late and waking at noon. refreshing in more ways than words can explain.


so last night when the four of us somehow ended up in PS, ran into alfred, and some others from his church. Pean ( it hink thats how its spelt), and that other girl i met the last new years day and christmas. yeaah. really spurs me to do start planning some class reunion. but i dunno how im gonna do it though. or when. grrr. the more people involved the more complicated, really.


"Stay away" by electrico. hoot. their good.


anyways im off right now. gotta go airport and do some lit revision.


"stay away, stay away! all these games you used to plaaay..."

reason to be happy

Reasons why i feel good today.

History is over.
I got me a nice new blue earstick
Fingering guitars makes me happy
The full moon is out.
I had dinner with my family.
I watched little miss sunshine
I missed my sister.
Went to fort canning park.
im meeting dore and huang tomorrow.
I love my class. all of them.
i started thinking about those days i would go jogging on sundays at bukit timah.



sigh.... its been a beautiful day in every sense of the word.
and fort canning was really the best place for it to end at. the greenery, the haze, the magic just summoned all into a single locality. and it felt great just being there. basking under the canopy, and running my fingers along the concrete, running it as deep as i could, so i can remember it, and never forget how great and enchanted it felt, and not forget just how 'real' everthing was.


and thats really the word to use for the day. 'Real'.


watching 'little miss sunshine'. so real. walking out of the cinema. was real. everything. fort canning. talking, crossing, walking, watching, thinking, feeling.
it felt real again. Real. and Raw. like i had been scrubbed clean and my skin had gone tender and open to the world. and it was good.

the surreality has ended.

i have snapped back to 'here' and 'now'.


i really liked little miss sunshine. i really did. ill never begin to explain how much it touched me, and how much i related to it. loved it.


im off.
i know i dont talk alot.
but that doesnt meant ive nothing to say.



goodnight.
-----------------------------
"im crazy for this girl" by evan and jaron.

econs is less than 12 hours

hahaha... all this for a 'C'. a miserable curled up little c... grrrr...



i think if ever you want to torture someone on a food strike, you could just show them a slideshow of the pictures in my phone memory card. haha. oh, the joy.



in a sense, ym efil si gnikam esnes niaga. in another sense, its not. But it feels so clear. like... i feel like i understand. and i actually get it. and no, not school, but... bits of my life. im actually starting to see it clearly. not everything yet. thats asking fer too much. haha. but, yea, insy tinsy little parts are shining through from the haze. haha.


haha. so is this Growing Up, then? hmmm.. i see.



Ice lemon tea. by Rishik Vijayadas.

its the joys of being thrown in mid air
and feeling like falling short.
its the joy of being cut in mid sentence
diverting topic, (the former, forgot).
its the life of withdrawing
the heart pulsating, the 'never' the 'ever' the 'stop'.
the rush to the head,
the words almost said
the brink of the edge of the top.


gtg! byees!

shaking my head in beat to "streetlight manifesto"

i dunno why. but after listening to "everything went numb" by streetlight two days in a row, ive grown this strange desire to learn the drums.

mmmm...

sara lee cake and aik cheong white coffee make a good combi for breakfast.
not quite the same as marshmellows, but what the heck. still goodness.

parents overseas again. and im off to national library to study/research/read.

what really freaks me out most about my exams, is when i read my old essays. and all these ideas and facts flash before me, in my own handwriting. A handwriting so familiar, and thoughts and concepts so converse to the former. its frightening being so clueless: especially in something which you KNOW... at one point of time at least. i get i kinda get what lizzy is going through (but on a waaay lower degree of course), when she worries about her forgetting. i dunno la...


exams and academics have always been something ive had a love hate relationship with.
I WANT to get good grades of course.
but i dont want to be obsessed with it.
Nor caught up. or worried. or affected in anyway.
i dont want my life's priority to be school, simply put.
its hard to explain really. cause im dealing with so many things.
high expectations for me to do well, because people 'know' im "intelligent but lazy"
god ive heard that phrase waay too many times for my liking.
and let me make it clear, its not really something to be proud of.
its an easy excuse nonetheless, but honestly, not a very valid one.
im still grasping with the fact that i got 10 for my Os, cause it
was the one time i put my all, and my full attention and heart into something academic,
and getting back something so borderline was a harsh slap to my ego.
but the need to defend those expectations aside, im also dealing with
an immense lack of discipline and focus. a binding lerthary and inertia thats
holding me down here, right now, and compelling me to type, and maybe talk,
but never act. thats the suckiness. the shame of it all... that i want so much,
but i dont want to do shit. i want H3 lit, i want to be in the top 10 %, i want a guitar,
i want to avoid the stigma of becoming a 'mugger', i want this, i want that, i want
to break freee from all those impressions of me, and all those doubts and skepticism
everyone, including myself, has ever had of my ability to make it, book-wise.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

frustration.
------------------------------------------------

im off. gonna do something about this life. see ya.

"liiive wiiiiiree!" motley crue.

Ska and corine may arnt the same

There was a point in my life when seeing ppl dressed in tapered pants, mesh caps, denin jackets, anything vondutch, and wearing the ugliest shoes bought from peninsula plaza would really irk me. i dunno why, but just looking at them pissed me off so bad, i couldnt stand it.

but i dunno. after awhile i really think ive gone immune to it. and right now ive found myself a new fashion foe.

pink polo tees, basketball berms, mesh caps, flip flops, gold-dyed hair, basketball vests, or grossly obviously pirated 'addiddas' or 'nice' shoes.

eww. ewww.

one thing i noticed abotu me and some of my friends is our great affinity to resorting to using the day or the month as an excuse for things we do.

"rishik should i eat that? its really unhealthy!"

"dont worry its friday"

"hey i feel so bad. i didnt study the whole day"

"yeah i know.... its sunday la"

"argghh! eveyrthing is pissing me off"

"its okay ah. september."

haha. i think the strange thing is how we so easily accept these answers and reasons without thinking twice. haha. simplicity in reasoning. siigh. thats what we all need at the moment,

or not.

on another note. Amitha just claimed to be santa's little helper. hmmm. im not even sure if i should say anything right now... hmmm... yea, i really shouldnt.

bleaah. really should be reading history.

dying, waiting for the exams to end. and imagining the possibility of parties, rocking and going wild. sigh. cause i know we will. and everything will be just the way i never imagined it to be, and ill lose myself in the moment and ill return home not myself or at night, and feel fufilled in so many ways more than a good grade can ever begin to. and i know its gonna happen. and ill break free. siigh... and life will be on track, and off beat, and will start making sense to me, by losing all its sensibilities.

mmmm.

"Ski masks!"

"CHECK!"

"Sawed off!"
"CHECK!"

"Guilty conscience, fear of death.."
"CHECK! CHECK! CHECK!"