everytime i try to talk to you

You need guidance.
You have become very confused in your life
right now and are unable to make decisions that
pleases you. You may resort to drastic measures
as harming yourself, but the situation doesn't
seem to get any better by whatever method you
are using for now. There is a pain inside
because of this and you feel helpless in your
life, thinking you will never find your way
back. But even though the path may seem dark
you still try to find yourself, which means
your inner battle is not over.

What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]
brought to you by

Falling out of reach

This is me. this is what i do. i write. i type. i talk. i dream. that i all i do independantly. pretty much. i dont do work without a push at all. thats why group study has always worked to my advantage. yeap.... olinda's a sell out by the way. haha. or so says my sister.


now i'm an oli fan. but hoenstly i cnat argue with my sister's point. it really makes sense. i mean, who would wear a dress JUST to impress a judge. thats compromising with who you really are. and then the fat loss advertistement. I mean, come on! your a great singer. and you decide to cash in on ur fame by doing fat loss ads? wow. thats so dam sad.


Hhaha. iw as suppsoed to use spell check yetserday. haha! and i didnt. wow. tahts wrong. sigh. in that history shall note rishik menon used spell check for the first time today! yay...

matsh olympiad was today. and i got a big fat honking zit on my chin. haha. so this morning my moms ends me all the way to NUS. real sweet of her. we were talking about my future mainly. and its a scarry one. unless i get a shcolarship, it seems im going to end up no where. or more precisely, a teacher. ahha. tahts dam bad. i make being a teacher sound so low. and half my family is made of teachers, trainee teachers, principals, lecturers, coaches or eductaors in tehri own right. ahah. hmphhh. jobs....


i dont midn getting a job in starbucks. end of year. pretty cool. but tahts really gonna split me up. its a choice of doing a course in theatre production or acting or something to that effect, or dedicating the hols to piano. ahha. i dunno. see how it goes.

back to the olympiad. WoO! tahts some cold lecture theatre you got there. teeth were clanking at such a high speed it made a small buzzing noise. okay it didnt. but it was almost that fast. ahha. i only knew how to do ONE quetsion. tikam teh rest. ahha. i joked how it made more sense to buy 4D with the 8 bucks. it was equally based on chance, and there was a higher chanec of winning something. haha. alot of teh guys left the thing half way, myself included. we went to teh canteen and pretty much chit chatted there. Then myself, nicholas GN and shane went to Plaza sing. then nichoals went missing. apparently he stayed on the train and decided to go home. ahah. riiighty, then. anyway shane went to yamaha, to check out harmonicas whilst i checked out keyboards and piano books. then this thing caight my eye from the corner. a course for electric bass. oooh, my oh my. ireally wanna learn. but isit really worth my cash? i mean jeremy did say. "dude. you DONT learn how to play the bass. you just play it." haha. kay. ill take his word fer it then i guess.


shane tehn joiend his mom and i made my way home. fell asleep on the shoudler of come caucasian dude. woke up by a call from mr chew, (DC) somewhere near simei. about the campfure. dam. more stuff to do. oh well.


haha. heres something funny. you know how the trains have these glass panels at the end of all the seats. well it sorta relective but not totally. so i glanced at one, and for half a secon i thought is aw really good looking girl. then the other half a second it dawned on me, the person sititng behind the screen was looking at the otehr direction. i was only looking at her hair. the face i saw was my own face refelcting off the screen. haha. now tahts egoistic for you. ahha. well, it was unintentional. what can I say?


according to matty, nadia was at NUS fer some camp. cool. i got a camp next next week. yay! ahha. SLC. which mae might or might not be going to. speaking of mae, she's leaving today i think. coool. i miss OBS. one of my favourit camps, ever. i really wish i was back there. it was there i felt more like a leader than anywhere else in my life. it really made my day. that one moment where alex called my name and looked at me. haha. was a great feeling. pride.



shane wanted to burst my pimple. urghh. its a really nig one and its really white, so i shidder to think of the puss in it. haha. was suppsoed to go play pool with him later but he backed out. guess ic an use this time to go skating and buy the stuff for the present.



tomorrow after classes i got paino class, followd by picking atta up for her medical exam. yeap. and ciao is bye in spanish! I just learnt that! cool. after using the term for more than a year now. theodore told me it was short form for "morning" in some chinese language. like "morn' ". haha. byes.

crazy is as crazy do

So heres the thing. i realised why im sad. im bored. hahaha. well that explains a lot. haha. haha. haha. man. its night. its always the night that gets me going. yeah. yay. so ima night person. figures. yay. yay. hmmmmm. today sucked. my worst nightmares coming true......


My worst nightmare? you sure you wanna hear it? well heres how it goes. i wake up late. im sweaty. i had drooled. my breath smells. i coem downstairs. i dont have breakfats. i watch TV. its stupid shows. tehre is nothing on MTV, star world, nickelodean. im too lazy to do anything else. i fall asleep. when i wake up, i still smell. its only the afternoon. i have soem disgusting home food, and i need it really slowly. the food gets dry,a nd my finger gets crusty form dried curry. the food is stil there. i grow sicker and sicker. teh ngith ends with me still lying on the sofa. still feeling sick. my head throbs form watching too much TV. teh food i still there. there a small pool of drool on the sofa and i cant take my own smell. then i fall asleep on the sofa again. sweating. wasting the whole day. this is the edited version mind you. i cut alot of things that even makes me sick to think about.

haha. Okay, so that didnt exactly happen. but close enough. i woke up at 8. and i read papers again and again the whole day. wellw hoel morning. afternoon i went for the project thingy crap shit, for the green cities forum. haha. NO ONE sent me any reserach. the team is full of slackers. how sad is that. now there is a new twist in the tale, and i cant really be bothered about the outcome. it makes me tired to think. man i hate geography. tahnk god i transfereed out will i did. haha. but to justify i that i need to do well in history. hey check it out. im 5th in the level fer humanities! WOW. like wtf. how cool is that. i mean for a B4 esepcailly... now what was i thinking about? hmphhh.


Rush hour. haha. omg. myself and linus thought we found the perfect book. ahha. it was about traffic congestion and it seemed pretty detailed. It was in JP section. hmphhhh. now here is somehting we didnt know. Jp is the toddler section. so we basically spent an hour in MP library looking for taht one book , before disocvering the letter JP on shelves that reached our knees. this was the point where our eyebrows raised simultaneosly raised. god. rush hour was a picture book. god. GOD. why? it was one heckuva sad book. one dam sad hour wasted. haha. is funny when i look back at it. dannel spent teh whoel time talking on the phone to god knows who. anways realsing we wated enough time looking for books on congestion i grabbed three books on air polltuion and headed back to starbucks. my favourite cashier was there. he's an old boy and an ex-venture too. he saw my flashes when i opened my wallet and congrtulated me. haha. uhm okay. ill take what i get. coffe frappe was what i got evidnetly. hmphhh? im raising eyebrows at myself. thats never a good sign.


WEST HAM SCORED! yes. this is it. ibe been a west ham fan for three seasons now. two of which were spent in the first division. which is really sad. i dont talk about it much, cause i knw what people will say. or at least what brandon wong will say. but man i cant wait. any moment they can win the play offs and return to the premiership. this is what ive been waiting for. sweet. this si gonna be sooo sweeeet.


Tomorrows maths olympiad. haha. muah, study? hahah. next question.



ooooh. mae had interesting news to share. kay im blowing it out of proportions. just as she said i will. well, if you knew i was goign to, then you hsoudl have told me earlier. and not made it sound so mysterious. hmphhh. so its all your fault. hah. man, i really am too full of crap.


yay. thsi leaves me with one day to do the present i was planning three months to do. i really should have started earlier. dam myself. alas. i just read dinie's blog. somehtign really nice about it. the style of writing. really captivating. its really nice. hmghphhh.


Let history note this as the first day rishik menon uses spell check. doh! why didnt i think of that earlier. liek wow. genius.


you knwo what. this blog is a secret to all my family members. well not including vicnan'nna and anna and anyone else who found out about it. yeah.... which i really hope they dont. not all publicity is good. especially with a persoanlity such as msyelf. in a family such as mine.

the girl that i saw on TV

shalala. Have you seen seabiscuit. Have you ever seen it? i swear, its the most inspirational horse racing show ever. i was glued to it the whole of last night. haha. this was the answer i was looking for. After the contendor, where would i go to next to find strenght? This was it right here. hhaha. i swear, i have no idea whats my obsession with underdogs. Maybe cause in my heart, i prey i am one, myself. and in my heart i dream of the day i rise back up. But is that whats important? studies? grades? maybe not. but understand this. i have been dedicating my life to my school for the past four years. i have given everything. taken away form me just like that. i deserve somehtign in return. dont I? and this is all i want. my turn for glory. my turn to rise. That is all i ask for in return for the last 4 years of my life. "better break a man's leg than his heart". Love that line. haha.


change your destiny. you are in control of your life. freedom to think wonderful thoguhts and dreams. all these quotes are pinned on the softboard of my table. all amounts to one thing really. being your own man and taking control of the situation. i have a favourite poem, which is quite the contrare. "life is short, and pleasures few; and holed thy ship, and drowned thy crew; but oh, but oh, how very blue; the sea is" . Its all about having no control of your situation. but enjoying it anyway. i like that one. beautiful poetry, in my mind.

sooner than later, id be leaving home to a place fara way to do soem project i have no intention of doing anyway. but i still do it. my life is sad and dictated. which is why i thank joshua so much. Th bbq is the breath of releif i have been waiting for for so long. that long last chance to spend with my friends. that time and moment i was anticipating, and worrying would never come. this makes it all worth it. this gives me soemhtign to look forward to. something that gives me hope.


last night i did alot of writing. and my collection of songs have grew to a size of 5. and then shrunk to size of 4, afte throwing away one. haha. right. holidays are now in full motion. dannel's birthdae was yesterday. guess i'm obliged to buy him somehtignt oday. haha. obligations.


ever get thi sfeeling, you were meant for so much more. you ar destined for greatness. but things are just getting in your way. as egoistic as it sounds, thats how i feel. i'm going to go all the way up there. its liek the book"witch week". charles was a great magician but when the worlds merged his magic was gone, and he had talent else where. its a faint memory of greatness i have. that i know im supposed to have. but in this world, im being stopped from doing it. well, its just a feeling.

its okay to fall, i realise. even the greats fall. coach carter, seabiscuit, the contendor. wow. all the shows ive been watching lately, are supposedly "feel-good". haha. how cool is that. if anythign i should be feeling happy and get-going. haha. doenst really explain my melancholic moods. well life is weird. my mind is stopping me from enjoying myself. the guilt from not doing work is really getting to me. which is why by next sunday after the campfire is over, i know i'm gonna really feel the full swing of teh holidays. hopefully.


my table is a mess. haha. so many papers. no idea what to do with them all.

good enough, for someone else

its official. the most depressing thing in the world is coming home alone at night. Its not the absence of people on teh bus or train. far from that. its the prescence of couples hugging on the train, and stuff that makes it lonely. haha. sigh. two nights in a row, i come home late. wel its not so bad, when you have someone to talk ot on the phone. 'cept i dont. haha. mmmm.


i fear that any moment someone will come and sue me or possibly arrest me for all the political crap i write on this blog. scarry. ANY moment. its really worrying, from what i read in the news. oh wells.

"crazy for this girl" is the first song i ever downloaded. Ever. this is way back in the napster days. haha. listening to it now. nice song. lala. nicholas is challenging me. he bets i wont study this holiday. i MUST. o levels so near. getting scarry. i must prove to him, i can get t VJ via JAE. i can. I Must do it. waaaaah.


zits comics are the best comics after bizzaro. read it. its nice. ahha. life gets more and more stressfull. sec 4 life sux. life's a bitch in general. what happened to the days of goign to the beach for a BBQ and staying up till the next morning just having good ol fun. what happened to those days.


man i cant take it. everything i do. its all totally deciated to school in one way or another. i piss myself off. it sux. i want to have fun. i want to go out. i feel so lonely. so bored. so empty. but i'm not. i'm fill with so much work to do. maybe its just that i am filled, but filled with the wrong stuff. thus teh feeling of emptiness. i dont care if if ail my FDI and VLC projects. let me fail. just gimme back some time to spend with my friends. gimme back some time to study. tahsta ll ia sk for. that is all...


time to read,a nd get lost in fantasy again. yay. haha. hurray.

look what i made for you

Hey hey hey. Its saturday morning! wohooo! and i gotta go fer NDP training! yeeaa- waaaaaitaminute. that cant be right. its the holidays, isnt it. Are you sure there's training today? Its holidays right? Isnt it? Isnt it? oh thats right. Our dam country know the meaning of holiday. cunts......

So once again the master proves himself. TOP in the level of 162 express students in the beautiful language of English. haha. sweet. haha. surprising as it may be. I understand if no one beleives me. I mean this blog, and the way i write here as like an anti-testament to my english skills. haha. rights. So i get 7 in the level again. wow. i NEVER broke th 7 barrier. haha. since sec 1 to sec 3 my level possition has always been 7. its so weird. but pretty cool. 7. maybe thats why i like 7. rishik17. 17 is just a nice number by the way. its not there to denote any age. Fer those who dont know me i'm a 15 year old kid going on 14. 15 theres still time for you. haha. 100 years is another great song. five for fighting. singer/songwriters really know what they are doing. They mak the most melodious songs. ben jelen is another testament to that fact. haha. i used teh word testament twice today. now thrice. no, i'm not hyper. dotn look at me like that.....


Yesterday! meet the parents session for the lil sec 2s. oh yeah. did my stuff as usual. haha. the leader within shining from all angles. no lah. was dam annoying. running up an down making sure everything was running properly. to top it off manpower was slimming at a constant rate. ricardo was i/c. hahaha. never put a sec 2 as I/C. especially fer mr gill. he cant work with them. but mr gill is nice. a dam nice guy. uite sad and ironic. he said if i come tos chool too often for cca, he will kill me. he wants me to study. just like nicholas gn. haha. two tall indians are all that is motivating me to study during the holidays. anyways whats ironic justa fter that i was talking to mr tan and he asked me to help him get ec 3s for an entreprenuer thingy. haha. i siad yes. now i got two days to call the sec3 batch.



Two days to call the sec 3 batch. One day to complie information for green cities forum. i already messgae marc last night so he's handling the camp stuff today. i got two weeks to finish my FDI project. i got one week to prepare for my campfire. one week to find a day to take a photo for the newsletter. I got three days to prepare my paino peices for miss lee. and ten months to finish writing my script for grad nite. ooh, and minus one day to hand in my library books. haha. nicholas will laugh if he hears about this. alas, history repeats itself. and its eems i have two hours to get to bishan.



Things are slowly looking up. and then came the sms. god, as if things arnt as confusing as they already are for me. its really putting me in an awkward position. a position where i cant move. and i'm trapped. cause you have no idea how long it took me to get over you. and now this. god. this is not helping. i just need to unwind. get my head together. go skating abit. go out with myf irends. catch a movie or two or three. walk to the parka nd stare at the stars. read write. get my mind together. thats what iw ant now. thats what i need. sigh. i need friends. and right now i can only think of two people who can really relate to me. but friends dont need to relate to you do they? but if they cant realte, they become...superficial almost. i dunno. maybe i just need soemone to talk to. soemone to debate with. that will definitely make me feel better.


and talk i did with my juniors last night. ricardo and ryan po especially. its good tot alk get your own ideas and values out in the open. and fixed. settled. strong. people with strong values. thats what i respect. who dont care what anyone else thinks of them. thats what i want to be. and if you have reached this stage and you find your losing your friends....well in the word of mr gill they cant possibly be your true friends.



which remind me. i owe marc a birtdhay present. sooon.

adult alternative pop/rock

aiyah. i need guidance. haha. i swear taht's teh most accurate quiz ive ever taken. haha. not that ive taken that many quixes, but hey. its rare you get somethign that you can so easily relate with. especially how adolscents such as myself. we are filled with such angst and hormones it is so rare we ever rationalise and understand thigns. half teh time we end up feeling misunderstood, and pissed off. haha. this the rarity in finding things you can relate to. this quiz was that.

Of course now im talking about the general teen population. There are of course exceptions of higher maturity, not so bound by our hormones and emotions. They select few, such as marc, and myself. haha. yeah right. The mature. Those few who thing beyond the muddle of daily life. But is that fair to say? There are of course those who dotn think about politics but are mature int heir own right. those who dont even think about the nextd ay. who just live. maybe they are the smartest of us all. they are the ones who live life. and know it. What bout those who read and get lost in fantasy worlds based on TV, gams, movies or books. Is that wrong? Is it immature and childish. i dotn know. i cnat say.... This is always my problem. ahha. i argue with myself,a nd i know it. I just love shooting myself in the leg. sighs... haha.



It can always coem in handy as well, though. like today we had the disussion for the green cities forum. ahah. i was basially doing all the talkinga nd arguing with myself. was fun. im pretty much the guy leading all the discussions. yeah. was good in that we were all prepared in a sense and now we are pretty much pepped up. bad thing was priya bastard me again. Wow. dont trust 17 yera olds. simple as that. ahha.


speaking of 17 year olds. today during physics inderpal, michael joo, paul jon and teguhand myself were all sititng at the back. thn inderpal went on with his micahel joo impression and teguh joiend in. was the funniest thing ever. talking about the contendor and al. SERGIO WON! alright. haha. rocked. if alphonso couldnt win peter, then sergio had to. And alphonso won jesse! revenge of teh underdog. dam sweet. felt nice. like not all hope was gone. haha. i dunno why i draw so much strenght for the contendor. it was just inspiring. Its real nice. mmm. i dunno what i'm gonna do when its gone. probably read. ahah. DW jones.


hey marc reads diana w jones too. how cool is that. and we both forgot the story lines and mixed up all her stories. haha. tahst why im re-reading it. is wear. she's dam original. nver befor have i read anythign like it. 'cept for magicians of caprona. basically a rip off from romeo and juliet. haha. which was probably ripped off from soemhtign else. miss reading. been along time since. the books are due tomorrow. alot of reading to do. haha.



today during PE i was, as usual, the only guy hwo took the running serious. haha. over lapped alot of guys and came in first again. running. the only sport where i am btter than MOST of my peers. haha. thats why i take every chanvce possible to make use of it. to feel good about myself. its not liek i brag about it. just feels good in my heart. haha. and after the running came soccer. "dudek for pope" was on the board of all the 4e classes this morning, courtesy of mrs leslie. haha. liverpool won. the team i chose for soccer was no liverpool. down 3 nil. we came back with two goals; game ended with 4-2. sigh. i shoudl never be captain. i chose a team of full defenders. and i didnt pick the two good players in class, traditionally seperated by rule of thumb, to ensure a fair match. ahha. worst team ever. oh well. doesnt affect me that much. soccer never was my forte'.


now by request of dharvin "the doctar D" i shall deciate a section on creativity. haha.. this one's for you bro.
Singapore is dying. It will never survive in the long run. For two simpel reasons history has proven a city state had never survived for more than 2 hundred years. We are bound to be taken over by a larger empire. the second reason. singapore has nothing. we have no resources. not even manpower. because all they do is kill our creativity. our wings. they just love shooting us down.Case one. Casino. what the fuck! people are protesting and have petitioend to the president and you still go ahead and build a dam casino! WTF, seriosuly. but thats freedom of speech and power of the people. so i wont go into that. but even after that, you wnat to stop people from enterring the casinos? like come on. we are grown up. you cnat keep treating us liek little kids. like that guy in the forum page said. people need to be strong enough to stand up for themselves. they have to stop getting the government to do things for them. its dam annoying. because its our own people that are killin our creativity. that are pushing the government for more laws. and italways comes abck tot he same reason: asian values. bullshit. there is no such fucking thing as asian values. values are values are value. it is fucking universal. the west are no more liberal than us, neither more conservative. if they are, let thm be. its not cause they have WESTERN values. fuck. dont tell me they are more liberal, cause they arnt. You have heard of families in USA which ban kids form watching TV top protect them. dont tell me that that is not conservative. and people in aus are scarred to go out at night after 7. WTF. is that liberal? kay goign off topic. basically what im trying to say is, singaporeans need to grow up. STOP suppressing us with your laws. STOP controlling our lives. And Singaporeans, GROW UP. stop running to the government and complaining. do soemthigna botu it yourself. your pissing me off. why cant you take iniative. bitches. and you want creativity? isiots. its thing you do that chase creativity away from our homeland. people like dharvin who do creative things get apprehended. cause you are too dam wussy to do anything about it urself, you go tot he cops. sad. dam freaking sad. and when you do that, and when you chase away and kill our creativity; when you do that and you breed fear to revolt and fear to speak up, you are chasinga way the best and teh brightest. and you will lose everyhting slowly. and your will be forced to merge with a larger fedeation where we are just one of the many cities. and that is why singapore will never last as a citys tate. The best we can hope for is to be a great city. like paris of france or venice of italy. a city of great history and patriotism. but a city that is not independent. a city that is part of a larger federation. This is what i predict. And when that happens, singapore will experience a paradigm shift and our focus will redirect to the arts and we will beocem a vibrant and colorful city. ahah. or so i hope. I have dreams. nothign wroing with dreaming.

living next door to alice

What the fuck. The system is fucking screwed. i swear. and here i am, standing as living proof. As the example of where and how the system builds us up and crushes us for what they created. I am rishik menon. They created me. That is what i am, and what i am proud to be. A result of the holistic education system they forced us to be. I have joined sports in cricket. I have joined a uniform group in scouts. I have joined a cultural group in ELDDS. I have shown leadership in prefects. I have always been reasonbly ahead of most of my classmates. I have leaped at all opportunities ever thrown at me, and did my best in it all. I have contributed to CIP, and my community and neighbourhood. I have a good reputation in class. I am intelligent. I am well liked by my peers, juniors and seniors alike. I am someone people come to for help, and i help them all the time. I take part actively in outside events. I am a model citizen. I can play the piano. I am healthy. I hvae a sense of fun. I willing particpate in camps and courses. I go all out to volunteer and try around in eveyrthing because i have always believed that is what the system wanted. All rounders. But what i have becoem is a jack of all trades. a master of none. and now no one wants me. no one will take me in. and i know that. It was never my intention to show off or seek fame. I was simply doing it all, for the love of experiencing new thigns. For the need to make the most of the eductaion my parents invested into. To become as hollistic and as balanced as possible. But it just backfires on me. Now i have to decide......... To be continued.

In theory my life is perfect. Nothing i can complain about. But you know how it is...It just never Is. Today was such a surreal day. The first half was pure CLB. intrestingly i dotn take CLB. haha. well anyways was just me and kyle and josh chatting away the whole day. andthen come after recess, we had english and basicaly free periods fdor the rest of the day. read dw jones. haha. then i coudt cocentrate. so i just waited till i could get home. and here i am now.

....Continued. Lietrature. A life of romance, and high hopes. Dreams and drama. Happiness and love. a life fully lived, enjoying the moment. Abondoning all, but my love of drama and working on it till i die. Or do i follow th other side. Study hard. get into VJC. abondon all and work on my studies and go far in life, rich, hardworking, and comofrtable. Who do i follow. nichjolas or mrs leslie. Either i risk all. Either way i decide. I feel like anakin skywalker being tempted by nicholas. It is a risk. But there is already no hpe for me as a all-rounder. that life has to end. but which do i choose. it all comes back to that. Nicholas has promised me 6 points for L1R5. I have accepted that DSA would never take in one as unique as myself. Thus the need to enter via JAE. So what do i do. Succumb to the system, or break free.

IT IS poetry

i mantain that my chemical romance IS poetry. haha. regardless what any teacher says about it. haha. not even a principal could change my mind. haha. this is what happened, this vesak day morning. The eldds team went out for a treat by mr lak. seoul garden. a dam fun place. haha. so i kinda arrived early. 11. so i spent my time in MJ, when i mye yes came upon a familiar cover art.... Three cheers for sweet revenge. haha. now see, i already have all their songs, in my com, a CD with all their songs burnt in... but then i was suddenly reminded on an advertistment i heard on the radio. "if you like it, buy it. or else there wont be anymore" basically it was support IP. and it made sense, i bought it. haha. "support the arts" was the words i used. so later in seoul garden mr lak saw the CD and started making comments and i said the lyrics were good, and he started reading the words out, i realised what a mistake i made, encouraging him to read it. haha. the whole table was laughing as we argued. after that me and marc and mae went to watch star wars. haha. the key word here is WENT TO. doenst meant we actually did it. all booked. pretty sad. haha. so we played air hockey. me and mae vs. zhe hao(however its spelled) and marc. we won twice. haha. the second game was nicer though. me and mae were leading 8 nil. haha. then in a moment of confusion they caught up and teh score became 9-8. we won in the end, 13-8 though. haha. whatever.


so we tried to watch kingdom of hevaen. DAM! apparently we arnt 16 yet. who would have guessed. haha. so we all had ice cream at macs. we talked. then we followed marc to bedok interchange to drop him off in school. haha. then we took the train back and talked more. whichwas the whole plan of it i guess. haha. yeah. mae and marc were both fun.

by the time i got back i totallly forgot about the exco meetign for the katong campfire. but being the nice guy i was i left immediately from home for the meeting. we talked, discussed and thing idnt seem as screwed up as it did last friday. haha. finished the mug root beer thatw as in my bag from last saturday's ndp trainingf. haha. right.



The contendor was great. inspirational. as usual. sergio won. hope he wins the whole thing. was rooting for alph of course, but he's gone. so teh next best thing would be sergio. yeap. ahha. im writing this on tuesday of course. never got a chance to write yesterday.

Thank you for your venom

Your running after somethat youd never kill. yeah. wow. just need a song like that to destress me. wow. so muchs hit to do. really screwed up. tomorrow ive got NDP again. wah fuck. my life is be taken back again by something i hate. at least i have monday tolook forward to. yeah. god iw as supposed to do somethgin forr marc! SHIT. was asleep the whole afternoon. wah. and i now i've got all my work to do. but i HAVE to sleep now cause tomorrow mornign i have more shit. super screwed. life is a non-stop cycle of events. never rest...ever. dotn even have tiem to tlak about today's scout meeting, mr lak's tak, yesterday's forum, my theory oif 17 year olds carries on, and being interviewed and all. sigh.


one by one, all my brothers left me. thats what im doing. im burning all the bridges around me. well it feels like it. sigh.


"Its not about character. its this desire to rebel agaisnt me" Mr gill, on me being a 'matyr'. ahha. id leave it as that. id talk about this once im more free. doing shit for the campfire now.




swallow choke and die. this bitter pill. i have to arrange my calendar. my life scares me. i wnat to go ouit with my friends! haha. wow. that was almost anti-climax. aiyah. im so stressed and confused. but still want to go out. haha.

Autumn's monolouge

hahaha. do i need help for a maths? i wont answer that. but check this out. paper 1 and pape 2 are basically idnetical in terms of number of quetsions and type of quetsions and question dificulty. i fail paper 1 rally badly. and i get soemthign close to a2 for paper 2. wow. like WTF? in the end it combins to a c6. cool. better than failing. but im still confused. what happened? haha.

I broke the cycle! wohoo. fer teh first time in 11 days, or so, i didnt sleep in the afternoon. now my sleep pattern can return to normal. actually i did sleep yesterdya aftenoon... if youc ount nodding off while in the barber. but i always nodd of then so, haha. not counted. interestingly im feeling rathe sleepy now. wow. what a day....

Nicholas GN. he's a joke. here's how any outsider woudl look at nicholas. scarry. weird. radical. star wars geek. nerd. arrogant. proud. did i mention weird? well for me nicholas is....well seriously all of the above. haha. seriously. you would never expect him to be as smarta s he really is. politically, mathematically, everyhting. haha. woudl never guess he had the best L1R5 last year in the level. during the mid years, spent alot of time with him. haha. dam funny. instead of me getting smarter, i think i corrupted him. ahaha. he got the same l1r5 as me. 13. ahah. dam screwed up. yes. he's selling me his calculto. the one that can do quadratic equations. hah. cool. its spoiled. the 2nd function doenstw ork. im buying it for only the quad function so i dont really care. haha.

today was an eventful day. kinda. morning was raining. talked to selvam. cant remember about what though. jsut rememebered that much. ahha. yesh. speaking of selvam tomorrow is the ELDDS photo shoot. and 23rd is our treat from mr lak. haha. yeap. speaking of yeap, we were punching each other's fists today. he gave up first. both our knuckles were pretty red, but mine didnt feel anythign. haha. that is so wrong. That is SO wrong. yes. Hey guess what. i got A1 for Bio. whoah! that feels goood. sweeeet sugar. gimme gimme some. haha. nice song. yeap.

went library with GN to study. hahaha. as if. ended up reading about nazi occupation and soem other war stuff. i borrowed books from d. w. jones. yeah. cant remember the story. i rememebr borrowing it ins ec 1. ahhaha. i returned it one year late, and teh librarian was happy for me, for returning it in the first place. ahha. funny sia. good times. a case where honesty is rewarded. but as mr gill says: Honesty shoudl be expected. not rewarded. ahha. which is very true though. oh well.

Collide is a dam nice song. THE ultimate song to sum up april and may. yeap. ahha. its sweet. actually slide along side might be better. haha. depends on ur mood really. songs can make or break amood. "even the wrongw ords seem to rhyme". I love lit. but quetsion is what am i gonna do with it. i narrowed it down to four things. journalism, writing stories, theatre production, PR. yeah. haha. definitely. and chem engineering of course. ive decided if possible id do a dip in theatre production while doing my a lvels. some how. ahha. that would work out well. if i can juggle. well im not doing that many things. piano basically.haha. and hopefully council. and catching up on lit, according to mr gill. Gulps. UH.... maybe id do my diploma another time then. haha.

man i mustc all temasek academy about sending guys there. ahha. RSVP by 16th. we always get it late. that sux. haha. bloody prefects. tsk tsk tsk. shame on them. OOH, today was thefunniesttamil class ive ever had. well, ive had alot of funny tamil classes, so its not exacly fair to say that i guess. haha. well today it was just purely the tamil B students. the restw ere taking a test. and it was fun lah. the wya tamil B shoudl be i guess. hha. instead of just stoning away on my own free time. yeah. taht really sucks.

NO way! tomorrow is the inter-religious thingy. oh shit. must bring blazer and the whole works. wah lao. that sux. dam cumbersome. priya play me out again. knn. never trust a 17 year old. haha. yes. first lesson to learn. windmill windmill round and round. whata great song. well id best be off. hha. english. lost our scripts, and found it in mr roshan's desk. long complictaed story. haha. will talka bout it another day i guess.

speaking of long stories, i had a big discussion with nicholas over long stories and short stories and long movies and short films on the way home. haha. i was pro short stories and short films. he was contrawise. haha. he just doenst appreciate teh art of it i guess. he ended it by saying "you just like short stories and short film cause your shor, lah" . that left me, "what the fuck." haha. seriously dam funny lah. his arrogance i mean. he's so arrogant its funny. his overwhelming hubir and egomania. i dont know whether to laugh of run in fear. yeah.

byes.

Im so screwed

and in a good way too. hahahaha. god i dont know what teh fuck is my problem. i swear. haha. my mood swings from ultra depression to pure high in a span of less than 24 hours. haha. heres the irony of it all. it NEVER matches the mood i really should be in. yetserday was a sad day. to top it off alphonso loss the contendor. NO! he was the underdog. he was everything i saw in myself. and he gave his all, in the last fight. he fought like a champion. it was all heart. all heart till the end, even when his face was to peices he still kept jabbing with all that was in him. But life was life. Just because he deserved to win, didnt mean peter was going to let him win. haha. quoting coachc arter here. he lost. iwas depressed. and is lept. ahha.

The rain! its the all the rain's fault. Yes. uhm. i havent quite figured out how its all linked, but yes. somehow i'll make sense in the end. haha. i always do. well usually. and then's when i fail my english. like this mid-year. hahahaha.

No i didnt fail EXCATLY. but as good as fail. mrs leslie said she was dissapointed in me. Very, VERY disspointed in me. so you can expect i didnt get top in level. Though i still got my A1. But hey! i am way better in english then bryan, marc or benjamin. ahha. well, its my own fault. i know where i went wrong. i missinterpreted the quetsion. "tone shoudl be affectionate". hahahah. i totally missed that out. and i did thr EXACT opposite. iw as freaking mean and evil in my tone and my letter. haha. whatever. sigh. Then comes add maths. shocker. i didnt think id do that well. but i didnt think i would have failed! What the fuck. E fucking 8. like wow. haha. and its all careless mistakes all the way. how screwed is that. mistake a 36 for 32. mistake a plus sign for minus. incomplete differntitation. Permutation and combination? haha. forget it. Wah alo. Priya. see lah. never lend me add maths exam paper. WAH LAO! haha. screw it lah. its only paper 1. maybe id score full marks for paper 2. Yeeeeeeaaaaah.......maybeeeeeeee. *rubbs chin and gives and squints eyes*. Right. whatever lah rishik. hey guess what. i topped tamil B. 62/100. sweeeet. haha.

So here coems the only thing bad about today. i screw up my chem. big time. i am A1 material i get B4. WTF! seriously; WTF! dam screwed up. i blame it on the air and water. he didnt teach us. well he told us to study on our own. nontheless. screwed up lah. wow. well bryan cheang got the same marks as me, so thats consolation i guess. haha. day ended with me shouting to people i saw i the corridor "i failed add maths. wohoooo." mainly the E1 and E2 guys. the rest were long gone from school by then. sigh.



me linus and marcus. the three of us went to the chapel to play on the organ and on their guitars. fun. and then i'm home now. my hair's cut. my dad's on his way here. well bye. before he opens this door.

* for people who add music to their blogs. we listen to our own music too you know. its annoying pausing our own songs for the sake of yours. which just keeps repeating. and repeating. haha. yes. all of you out there. you know who you are. 'cept for sylvia. can pause your songs. i like that. haha.

For you to notice me

Melanchoic. Thats what i am. from start to end. Actually no. There are times i become optimistic. Its a cycle lah. It always is. And now im as depressed as ever. Time to grow up. Time to see. Time to change. For tha past few days the uneasy tension was rising. Yeah. except back then i didnt know what it was that gave me that tension. And now its getting too tight. Im gonna break any second now. I dont know why. I dotn know know how. But im breaking...slowly.........but surely.


A1 for E Maths. A2 for Physics. god. i did it. i made it this far. I feared failing physics much less even consider getting a distinction. But i did it god. Thank you so much. Im scared though. More scared then i was during the exams. This is it.... If the happy rishik was writing it would be different. It would be about alot more hahas and alot more "its over lets get on with life'. but this is the sad rishik. and right now, im just scarred. So very scarred.


DSA. It all a paper chase. from start to end. Its a wrong step everything. everywhere i go. no matter what way i choose seems wrong. if i want to excel its a paper chase. if i have no interest in something im not giving it a chance. if i'm still in it anwyay, im being a hypocrite. If i leave after half way i'm disloyal. Screwed. Thats how i see it. Thats just the start of why things suddenly seem sucky. Mr Roshan is agreat guy. He really puts thinsg in perspective. And he has a good reason for quetsioning me. WHY? I guess i need to grow. to develop. and VJC will give me that chance and i can make it. Thats why. its a bad reason. and whyw ill VJC take me in? I want to... another bad reason. Then what do you want me to do? what else can i do? I'm stuck. And this is where the tension breaks. and destroys me. Does this mean im not good enough. what are you trying to say. Why wont anyone agree to nominate. No one. zit. i'm lost. Its simple: they dotnt hink i can do it. so what do i do then? i'm lost. i'm low. maybe i really cant do it. then what do i do? what the fuck do i do. i got no point in life. nothing to live for, nothign to work forward to. no one to live for. everyone is dissapearing around me. i filled with doubt about everything. god. god. god. i dunno. i feel trapped......again. it alwasy ends with me feeling trapped. and its at the low point of lowness i think about the one thign i truely ever loved. Not her. but him: my dog, Hiwa. God. and when i think about him the whole world just crashes. eveyrhting. Everything seems so temporary. Everything seems so meaningless. So....fragile. life taken away just like that. Life. death. immortality. Im scared. i dont wnat to die. but what do i do then. i live. but how do i loive a respectable life. i dont know how. i need soemone to teach me. and he died. WHY.... i dunno whats my problem. whats the point. he died. so do so many otehr dogs all ver the world. why dont i cry for them. Fucking hypocrite. tahst all i am. yet i cry for him. cause i love him. and i miss him. and theres nothign i can do now. The songs im listening too doesnt exactly help me. "I'm wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn". god. if there's one thign i learned from dogs is this. They love unconditionally. they dont care who you are or what you do. They still love you. and i drew strenght from that. its beenn long since i last practised that. maybe i should. maybe then things will become better again. yes. im gonna close my eyes now. i dunno. still feel stuck. not even roller blading can help me.

To whom it may concern

Dear Sir,

I would like to start this letter by taking my stand on scouts. Scouting, was never a choice of CCA for me. It was allocated to me by the shcool upon rejection from the cricket team. Upon joining scouts the first few months, i took things in my stride. It was nothign more than a platform to meet other people and spend my saturdays. However as the activities became more and more straining, as time went along, i grew to realise my own capabilities as a scout, and i became interested in the scout training scheme. It was only after this i started working hard and tryin my best to impress at scout meetings. To acheive something which i knew i was capable of. That was the limit of my love in scouting. Though often inspired by images of being SPL or venture or perhaps returning as an adult leader, these thoughts have always been fleeting and short-lived.

However the nature of the scout training scheme made it such that it was impossible to be selfish. Or at least they way the sheme was run in St Patrick's. If forced us to give back to our seniors and juniors and call upon their help likewise. This benefitted me, as it felt good helping others. The experience of working as a team helped me grow as a person and as a leader. However this is not to say, I could not have learnt this else where. The prefectorial board is particular had given me much more of a conducive environment to develop my leadership and individuality. Nontheless the scouting experience helped me, and i would gladly recommend it for those not as forunate as me, to gain the same experience else where. Scouting is a great way for normal, uncontributive citizens to make somethign of their lives. Somethign meaningful and sustaining. The scheme how ever no longer applies to me. I believe my interest in scouting has been long dead, and no more learning can come from it. It is useless for me to remain in scouts.

Recently however I was offered a chance to become a pre-venture, and continue my scouting experience in the form of venturing. I quickly gained interest in the venture training scheme as it struck me that the venture training scheme was easily attainable, with the amount of activities i was already doing in school and in my community. It became very clear to me i could easily and surely attain the President's Scout Award; the highest possible award for a venture scout. Something of high prestige in the scouting community. This was motvation enough for me to remain in venturing. Along the way however i understand people were not happy with my incentive for wanting to become a venture. They wished for me to have a interest in venturing or perhaps a need to give back to the scout troop. The earlier need no longer exists and the later need had been killed by the disgust i had with the earlier need. I was not going to become a hypocrit and teach skills which i felt had no use or were unbenefficial. This left me with no other reason to remain in venturing but the PSA.

However the talk you gave me today has changed my feelings. Not on scouting but on the PSA. I know i can acheive it. That is consolation enough for me. There is no longer any need to go through with the motion and actually get it. There is no relevance of what anyone else thinks of my ability to attain the PSA. And more importantly there is no need to get caught up in a paper chase. For helping me see this I thank you sir. And it is now i give my request to remove my affiliation from the St Patrick's Pajigwad Venture Crew. There is no need for me to be a pre-venture nor a fell-fledged venture for that matter. I thank them for the experience they had shared with me whilst i was a scout, and I assure them i would come back and help out;Just not as a venture.

I would like to end this letter hopefully doing you proud. I will pursue things which i am passionate about, and i will make a difference where i can. And no more, shall i associate myself with things that I do not feel any emotion for. I am in no way restricting myself from trying new things. I will just no longer continue to do things for the sake of it. And most proudly of all, I have completed your task of getting to know and meeting an elderly person.

Thank you. Vidyarishik Vijayadas Menon.

Nobody care cause im alone in the world

Nodoby wants to be alone in the world. What the fuck is wrong with me.... Sigh. I'm jut a kid. Fist simple plan song i ever heard. haha. nice song. Wow. i fel tired. DAM tired.

Fuck lah. i dotn spend fire hours ont he computer! well... i dunno if idid. i dont time myself do i? who does. anyway so what if i did. its friday. in the words of zenn. "why not. its the holidays. ic an do whatever i want." haha. i found that so straightforward. haha. to the point. sighs. but im in my family. and i live this life. so yeah. theres the shit.

wake up. went straight to chong boon for teh panel discussion. haha. marc coulddnt make it. Im chair. Woah. haha. feels funny. its a public event on top of that. but its not that biga deal..so yeap. haha. teh people there were nice. alls ec 3s. haha. vanessa, najib, randy, mae and kexian. yeap. mae struck me as more verbal than the rest. strong personality. ah whatever. doesnt matter. haha.

so i get home and received a message from maryam. like wow; after so long. haha. and before i can even reply, dad gets on my back. honestly. i just felt like trapped at that moment. there is nothing i CAN do here. so i just went to my room turned on the radio covered my face with a pilow and...slept. woke up when my dad turned off the radio. haha. "i sense a disturbance in the force". whatever. became late for piano class. crappy. piano was nice. dad was talking about quittign piano on the way there. dont want! i love piano. just cause im hardly home to play it doesnt mean i dont like it. sighs. aunty eunice agreed to nominate me for the VJC DSA. haha. tahst one. hmphhhh.

Im dead tired now. haha. goign for theodore's house tonight for a BBQ. life is clockword for me. thats the great thing. things always fall in place. so im gonna call peter and maybe he'll come with me. fer his sister's birthday. theodore i mean, notpeter. haha. last time i went was for theodore's birthday. ahha. yesh. bbqs. nice. quiet family and clsoe friends thing. not exactly a wild party. or what was that word she used? social gatherings. haha. how funky is that. social gatherings. im sorry. i just like that term. "social gethering"....okay. i'm gonna stop now before its gets even more annoying. sigh. you gusy have no idea how tired i am. Prey for my exam results. And this thursday's inter-religious discussion. yay. now i gotta call peter and get ready for theodore's thing.

Ive got 40 bucks savings this month. should is ave it for movies this june or buy an album? i need to get two birthday presents. and make one. haha. i never buy presenst for relatives. actually i do. when i have no time. but if i prepare for birthdays in advance i usually make the presents. yeap. june. so near yet so far.

regardless what i say in this blog i still love my dad with all my heart. he's a great guy. in every sense of the word. emotions from random moments dont decide a person's character. their whole life does. Hinduism right there. haha. Going OLPS tomorrow. musnt forget. sigh. SO SLEEPY.

Yeah

Haha. Havent see a movie fer a dam long time now. And hey. What better timing than now to break the trend. Haha. A great day. Great music stuck in my head. Great friends around me. Great feeling. Euphoric almost. well not quite. but almost. I dunno. cant explain. it just feels good.
The monkeys off my back! Sweet... finally. Add maths over. Bio over. OOOh. what a great day. so i went to see a movie. sigh. is great. coach carter. purely inspirational. even the time walkinga round tampinese looking for a pool place with shane, lionel and eng tai. later watched movie with them and kyle. haha. fun. felt good. thsi one of the shortest entries in along time.

I feel good lah. and if i have you guys to thank for it. life is on track.

Not the same guy you knew back in high school

This is how i started an eariler post. haha. thank god i didnt publish that. things really have changed. anyways here it is anyway:
With the coming of the May flowers, and May sun, comes the May sweat, which doesnt exactly agree very well with my hair. god. its dam itchy. and pretty long. not that long, but PRETTY long. haha. give you an idea how long it is: when i tilt my head back, what is left of the skin on my next dissaperes. yeah. but not that long to get me caught yet. haha. but even then... do I WANT to keep my hair? haha. honestly th only thing stopping me is the inconvenience of walking to the barber shop and forking out the cash.

And fast forward to 12th May 2005. haha. Its all your fault. You and your rain. haha. when it was my rain it was still nice. now see what has happened. first my house gets flooded with insects. haha. not literally of course. Just a case of insects taking refuge from the outpour. Alright. tahts cool. im fien with that. but thats no excuse to fly straight into my eyes, the day of my add maths paper. and land on my toast this morning. God. flying ants were everywhere. and witht he ants came the lizards, previously in hiding. and the leader of them all. Big Blackie. Big Blackie was in the open today. Out in full flesh he stood there, centimtres from the microwave over where he hid for so many years. as fat and as black as ever. he was licking the table top. Urgh-. digusting. This was my chance to destroy him once and for all. i grabbed a tissue to protect my hand fom blood stain. And tehnc ame jothia'kka my maid to opent he fridge door, scarring him away before i had the chance to. haha. okay. its not liek i really coudl have got him. but nonetheless. i asked her to wipe the table top and whatever he was licking. Reallys ickening the state she keeps teh hosue in. we really MUST sack her. i think we are going to sooner or later. only problem we all hav been to busy. not a problm afte rthis year i feel. id graduate form st pats and quit ITE, and become a domestic. haha. yes. eveyrthing just fits in pretty nicely. This is so out of topic. iw as talking boutt he rain. YES!

so kyle didnt go school in the same time of the morningas me. that meant i had to go to school on me own and the rain wasnt helping. i had to get to the mrt but how? no way iw as gonna lugg an umbrella to school. so i called pete and went with him. actually ic alled his dad and arranged with hsi dad. haha. how cool is that. talking with grown ups and all. whatever, rishik. anyways the rain was annoying in the morning. but then again it was nice in the after noon. on my way home. the gentle drizzle which i love so much. pasir ris rocks lah. i forgot what iw anted to type abotu again. Off topic. this is why i got A2 for english last year. Out of topic. Over the top. haha. these two phrases meant the downfall of the english master. actually is till topped th level. just didnt get A1. speaks alot for the standard of the school population. haha. rights.

Rise from fallen grace. The return of the champion. the comeback kid. Against all odd, rising tot he challenge and pushing allt heyw ay till the very end, just as all hope seems against you, you hit the top and teh feeling of euphoria rushes through your veins and things are just the way you want it. they said you woudl never recover but here youa re right now. This is eveyrthign you have eben working for in the past so many years. teh moment is now and now is forever and here youa re to relish evey secodn of it. And eveyrhting is beautiful.

That is how i wanna feel. That is why it is so important to me. I need to come back. I need to vinidacte my self. I know i am capabl of it. I need to prove tehm wrong. i need to prove to myself. this is it. the swan song. th final lap. Make or break i must do it. the feeling. the emotion,. the sweat and allt he hard work i put in all coems down to these final few moments. a fraction to the time spent working at it. But the most crucial of it all. no room for errors. and so it begins.

The contendor has isnpired me. forever. the fact that people like Jesse recovering from a hemstring injury, was forced to lose 1 and a half punds and horu before the match and clearly lost teh first three rounds; the fact that he just kpt playing and in the final round he gave it his all and bam! in one punch. in one decding momnet anthony lefthimself open, jesse gave his all, uppercut and knoked anthony to the floor. In that timing, when all hope for jesse was gone he brought it all back. he did that himself. he was the underdog. and he won. everyhtign was goign against him. and h broguht hismelf up. he won the match. and that is exactlyw hy i love teh contendor. the inspiration it brings me. the fact that life can change in any moment. the fact that life never ends. but keeps going. and that all of us , no matter how small can make a difernece. al of us can do it. we have the potential. and that is what i am working for. that chance of immortality. that pride to have my name engraved forever on the shcool halls. for years to come, for them to look up say, he was a man who made it. he MADE IT. that is why i am so desperate to dow ell. so full of desire to make it. to give my all and never look back. I am not the best tehre is. i am not the one people say will make it. but i am th eone that wants it most. to break the barriers. and show everyone i can do it. And from the looks of it, i am still first runner up. but nontheless. i will try. and i will stand proud. and taht will be my moment. no actually it wont be. it will be another friends moment. but oned ay that moment will come. and i know i will never regret. and i know i will be poud. and things would be beautiful for that one moment again. and i will for that moment feel my life return to me. and that is why it is so important to return from fallen grace. to show i have been there before and i will get there again. i am the underdog. and i will fight.

A memorable fancy

So i woke up at 4 soemthing this morning cause some guy form overseas calls me. at least i think its iverseas. number had like 16 digits. serious. but befor i could answer the guy hung up. bastard. i was having a nice dream. haha. anyway i didnt bother calling back. sent a message to soemone and went of to do my usual routine. wrong move. tat meant i was half an hour early. sat down doing nothing. even played the piano. haha. i told ya my biological clock is screwed.

Introducing the book of poems and prophecies by William Blake. Dam cool book. and yes dad, i did study chem. Chemistry. The only science i actually like. sadness. sigh. Walking home in the rain. I just love that. and after that i have a cold shower. Just because it is the only showers i ever take. haha. total sense. but i liek the feeling of cold. brings to mind the feeling of being ina hotel. stepping out of the toilet after a shower into the air con. shiok. feels great. if given a choice ti burn to death or be frozen to death id choose freezing. no doubt its a worse death and more prolonged and slow... but i think ill take it. haha. yes.

VJC. Its freaking tough. Almost no chance. But ill try. and I rise to the challenege, ahha. Oh man! i love the contender. See this is why i watch it. the inspiration it gives me. Against all odds. Rising up. Fighting back. The underdog. Thats what i am. the underdog. haha. the fighter. the matyr. the one that will always stay true to his beleifs. thought that can get dangerous. haha. the george bush/kerry comparison in the bizzaro comic. was pretty funny. On good leaders in our mind and good leaders in the real world. was a dam big hit at dubya.

Its not about politics. its about rights. its about freedom of speech. its about fuck. how i cant stand singapore's system. another case came up about this blogger getting sued. WTF! its free speech. oh tahts right. singapore doesnt allow free speech. brings to mind an incident yesterday. on the bus with shane and glenn. and i made a comment about our government and how mediacorp is getting heavily subsidised to make propaganda shows like first touch and first moms and he starts shunning me. he gets scarred. isee eyes around the bus turing to watch me. they get uncomfortable. cause i am too fucking frank abotu what i feel and too dam open. i am all for free speech. which is why i am not agaisnt the anti-menon page on friendster which my mom has made a police case out of. Pisses the shit out of me. I was thought- iwas inspired by people like bro michael, miss siva, mr colin lai to start noticing things. identify the trends. understand the politics. thats the most valuable lesson i learn from my ipoh trip. Its a trait of all lasallians mr lai said. and it felt good. and now you tell me its wrong. fuck the system. eveyrthign is screwed. from our cencorship to our media. its sickening. i was one point desperate to get into theatre cause the singapore theatre scene was dead. they needed to be broguht up. and i felt i could do that. but now i have a new focus. press. we are so dam controlled i dotn even know what is happening. do yuo have any idea the numebr of rape cases numbe of murders number of suicides riots gang fights goes on every dam day in thsi island and NEVER gets reported. you see crime watch and true files and half the cases they report are cases which have been solved. how many unsolved cases are they hiding? its only the surface of the barrel. god.


and this all comes down to one thing. me. what i learn from NLLC and LLTC. so i'm tryign tog et involved with the RA. ahha. trying. part of my nyaa silver service. and thatc an lik straight to my nyaa gold service AND community project. yeap. after my mid year though. feel abit guilty seeing as how i was supposed to be involved with the conservation run last saturday and sunday. didnt tell anyone. not exactly the best side of me. haha. and i might just come crawling back to him to try and get him to support me to get to VJ. I'm gonna get as many nominators as possible. its important for me. i must try my best. 80 ppl in singapore. i can be one of them. sigh.

dammit is a dam nice song. pun not intended. ppl call me about chem. i must get top in chem. im good enough. just no effort i guess. god what is wrong with me. i feel bad. i dont knwo wha got me in this mood....


Then it hits me. siglap macs. that crowd. i went there to study with nicholas gn. they were there as usual. god i pray and i curse at those who hold prejudice and i swore id neevr be like that. id be level minded. id hold no grudge. id never stereotype. but god-THAT crowd. i dunno why. i justc ants tand them. everything that they are. everything that they stand for. its just wrong. its going against all that ive been working for. maybe i just shouldnt care what they do. its their own business. what theyd ow ith their lives. but it realy frustrates me. these are the guys bringing down my school name. they vindiacte eveyr reputaion of a quintessential patrician. and i work to break the rep. but it allc omes back to these guys. i love my school. never mistake that. but the environment that it produces... the name and reputation that banes everythign that i do outside school. it really sucks. i need a new association. so i draw back. i fall back on my family. my neighbourhood. my park. my rain. and i sleep.

Words cant describe your beauty; thats where music comes in

I swear. I am in love. Tempest by Jesse Cook is teh most captivating melody i have ever heard. even more entrancing than hate it or love it by fitty and the game. haha. For that i thank YOU. EU there. Eu know who i'm talkign about. haha. ooooh. sweet accoustic. lovely.

Told me self is hant blog. what can I say? im a bloggging person. a writing person. The kind that writes useless shit in his free time because it feels good. Ink runs in my veins. ahha. Point to note; its ink. thus the reason i dont type as well. haha. writing and typing..... is it safe to exactlyc ompare these two arts? I dont know. Leave that hanging for now.

If ya'll notice im cutting down on typos. haha. taht message in the tag by 'passerby'. mad eme realise something. people i dotn know are also reading this. haha. Thus the elevated need of mantaining my rep of good english, even with the outside population. its liek what my mom said the other day. Its a public platform. Youa re accountable. no excuse here.

VJ... This is dam tough. I might not make it. But'ill try. haha. you'll see. I was meant to live for so much more. I am the man that you guys will one day be fortunate enough to say: "Who Rishik? Yes THE rishik. I knew him personally" and people around you woudl gawk at how lucky you are. haha. i have high hopes. high ambitions. Ho Rey Said that. I'm too ambitious. Apparently Emala is trying to cut the ambition of mine. or so it seems. haha.

E maths was DAM easy. i swear. you guys have no idea. I could've cried. but then if i fail haha. i dont want to be the one who laughs first. Contradictory as it may seem. Lah lah.

I need this break. i need to release energy. It comes down to one thing. Biological clock. well basicallyw hat happened is this. It got screwed up. It always happens. The exam periods and holiday periods. Wasnt a quetsion of if. was a quetsion of when. haha. and the answer is now. A day before me physics paper. I WAS SO TIRED after teh paper. slept five hours stright. Is gonna screw me up now. cause now i'm not tired. chances are i wont sleep= ill sleep later(most likely during the exam). Solution coems in teh form of an old friend and foe. haha. caffiene, we meet again. NO rishik no! caffeine is bad for you. dulls thy nerve endings. yes, your right. i'm too precious to lose. i'm an asset to the world. i'd be doing them injustice by hurting my own grey matters. haha. This is incredeibly liek my mother's day letter yesterday. haha. i wrote alot of bullshit on how the three children are meant for greatness and we will shake teh foundtaions of society and bringa botu a new era tot he world as we know it and itw as dripping with hubris from start to end. haha. basically it ended prety sweetly about how us making her proud is our mother's day gift for her. itw as nice then that. I'd coppy it out on of these days. Hmphhh. better get backt o studying. god bless.


".........would you carry me to the end....." Brings back memories of the Tamil saying. When you die you need at least four guys to carry you to heaven. talked aboutt his with my family yesterday. will about this n more detail later. was pretty funny. started talking cock as usual about the four people who bring you to heaven and the five people you meet there... Ciaos. haha. know that makes me rememebr the "menon theorem". Adding 's' at teh end of eveyr word makes it sound nicer. nicholas came upw ith it, based on how i chat on msn. yes. ciaos.

things i dotn want to forget

Just so i dont forget, im keeping track of thigns i want to write about when i come back. not that im goign anyway. just you know.... need to study. forget it.
Monday. Golf. Stoning.
Tuesday. SS Test. Orchard Library. Piano class.
Wednesday. Ringing the doorbell at night. my sister and cousin. peninsular plaza. Maths Test. Istana. Becoming the president. inter-religious talks. Rock music.
Thursday. Knife issue. Studying. VJC's SL4. the bands and the songs that give my life hope. why the contendor rocks
friday. the need for comebacks. day dreaming of victories yet to come. beauty of rainy days and poetry. that bird i saw and why pasir ris rocks. scoutssucks. when things go wrong in the computer, its my fault. sneezing in the exam hall. I'm still here by John Rzeznik.
saturday. lack of focus, food in the fridge and identity. reminder to type all my songs into this blog. why i dont have music on my blog (and a hint to the rest of you). on losing my handphone.... again.
sunday. the need to study; and stop tagging my own tagboard. pasir ris park. mother's day. of why i love rainy days. the arguement with my mom over friendster, freedom of speech, and the dangers of blogging. I made pasta yesterday.

never meant to be so cold

crossfade. pretty cool. hey, here's some useless trivia. i'm the only guy, as far as i know, that cant stand the song carwash. i blame nickelodean. i just hate it. so dam annoying. i just dont see what so many people liek about that song. today parents were fighting. haha. pretty long story. but dam funny froma third person perspective. but first lemme tell you bout my night, yesterday. haha.


So the last time we were with rishik,he had lost his handphone. (reminds me of one of those to be continued episodes on TV, haha.) and was about to go some scout meeting. was a good meeting. i felt. i hoped. haha. i hope i didnt dominate it though. neah. i coundt have. ahha. im rishika fter all. had BK dinner there. so afetr that i met zenn and sean straight at Pasir ris MRT about 9. went to airport where we did work. haha. was fun. sean said anyone who hangs out with zenn becomes sad. its like a spread of sadness. haha. "When you hang out with Zenn, you become sad". "No, no, you hang out with zenn because you are sad." i replied. abit true. i dunno. we all got our problems. liek the song says. the hell song by sum41 by the way. so, i got hoem at 12.30. it was a fun nihgt lah. talking, doing work. talking. thinking. contemplating. very solemn yet fun. felt good. haha. dad wasnt pleased.

Like he isnt pelased now, with my chattinga nd music. will continuse tomorrow.... haha. holiday.



As i was saying...darn. you know hat sucks bout writing, incidents that happens days after it actually does. it lsoes teh spark of the moment. The emotion, taht lasted while it did. and for someone liek myself, with an attention spam as short as it is, you can imagine how bad this is for me. haha. which is why i love fiction. actually persoanl recounts are as good, but blogging. that's when it starts to suck. so apparently theyw ere fighting about me not having a hadnphone. and on puting chili powder into a dish. Dad wanted chili powder. Mom wanted Cut Chili. Theyw ere arguing dam loudly. and as usual when theya rgue it always goes off track. the funny thing was i wasnt there when theya rgued and iw as downstairs reading and i heard them shout. so ia ksed me sis, and she replied in a as-matter-of-factly and as calmy as possible. then she put a strip of paper into her mouth, said i'm a snake, and started blowing the paper, making it flatter in the wind. i looked at her and blinked. she's doing aerospace electronics in SP. hhaa. i marvel at my family sometmes. teh dish we were making by the way was for my grandma's lunch. that is another dam funny story. firstly alot of politics. there was a wedding, and some family had a lunch fer dam, and my side of the family(all me cousins and me grandma) weren;t invited and soemthing liek that. so, being 'the Angappans' she initiated her own lunch for the couple. and eveyrone she invited brought a dish. haha. here's the ebst part. she never told us that. each family had the idea, they were the only ones bringing a dish. it ended up with 23 dishes! Among the cousins only me sis, myself and priscils'kka turned up. haa. that reminds me of teh russel peters show. "Your friends and I". Nvm. for those who have seen it, its the part where hong kongers have good english. anyways........ dad wasnt too pleased bout coming. he wanted to take me to TM to get my sim card. haha. strictly jsut to get out of the lunch of course. for my grandma's sake i didnt liek teh idea, but after awhile, it got really boring, with mom talking to HER cousins. which she then invited to our place for tea. Nikhil got glasses by the way. it's cool. but still sad. oh well. i feel for him. reading under bad lighting was my bane too. dad left the lunch early. i dunno. the mood was very 'on-the-linish'. Hmphhh. Oh! i justr ememebred about the sugar incident! so the dish we brought was mutton. and anyway what happened was that mom added sugar accidently instead of salt. not even teh fine sugar. it was the course grainy one! dam funny. and to compensate she added even more salt. haha. whata joke. priscilla'kka said her family found my twin in NZ. haha. i'm no longer unique. how sad is that.
that day i came home and slept. later that night went to TM to get my sim card, same time i bought meself a pencilcase(long enough to fit my 30cm ruler...soemthingive been asking fer a year now) and jeans... that gives me a total of three jeans. haha. right. my mom made a comment about me speding too much, was super offended. for all my friedn who know me, i am as cheap and as miserly as cheap can get. wtf. didnt do any work that day. as usual. two days to common test.

Hate it or love it the underdog's on the top. and homies, im gonna shine until my heart stops. stuck i my head. So we wake up to 2nd may 2005. hello. morning comes around and the day starts with..... nothingness. breakfast. next thing i know im making a card for my aunt,a nd we are over at her place. haha. and here i am now. the air con's on. im playing the piano. and i'm geraing myself up to eat yesterday's lunch. I swear! they were 23 dishes that day! itw as an obligation for all of us to brin back food. wow. there was nough food to last us till wednesday. To last EACH family till wednesday. wow. anyways. i kinda feel good. still havent started studying yet. but im gonna shien till my heart stops. i can study. im sure of myself. oend ay till mid year starts. oh god. i feel good. haha. i got my music. i got my pencil case. i got my family. oh thas right! i didnt tell ya bout my card yet. haha. its dam nice. i swear i dunno how i think of these things. and in such short timings too. i grabbed an old CD case, wrote a sweet little message on it(being good ol rishik) and grabbed a flower from my backyard, nicely speard it out inside the case and closed it. haha. it was nice. she lied it. said i was becoming more and more liek my brother. haha. i'm guessing thats a compliment so i take whta i get. hhaa. More liek my brotehr huh? intresting. last friday the ventures were all falling in. Mr Lak was slapping our chest ne by one and giving each of us a comment like "lose weight, cut your hair, study harder" when it came to me he said "become more like your brother" haha. i see. ill do what ic an. hate it or love it the underdogs on the top. i'm gonan write a play for grad nite. well no one actually asked me to do it. but i already got this idea. its a dialouge. two differnt stories of life in st pats. its gonan be dam cool. dam poetic. dam abstract. yeap. hope it works out. last night i went back to writing my story. its a nice story. only problm is i write bits and peices here and tehre. and its not in chronological order. which means at teh end of the dya im gonna be re arranging ll my writnings here and tehre and sadly, cutting off some parts. adn tehe gonnabe alot of editing invovled. but it gives me peace of mind. oh well. haha. need to contact mr rajan about my NYAA. thesooner the better. and i need tocheck with mr roshan whether the timing has already started or not. seeing as how there is no authorised date of start on it. scarry. i'm dam woried it hasnt. taht will really screw all my plans. all i can do now is prey. "hate it or love it" is still stuck in my head. i swear the beat is BEAUTIFUL. hmphhh. beautiful has all the vowels except o. haha. i observe too many useless details. Random. Yes. That what i am. Random.