Before i swore, i would be alone forever more

hahaha. god. im high. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! it always happens to me. haha. maybe it cause is tarted cursing vulgarities again after so fucking long. not my fault. i blame yang sheng. and dora. and anyone else who used vulgarities around me in the past one week. haha. uhm, lemme think.... Billy? Jerome? Neah....Oh well. nonetheless as vice head i swear to stop swearing. hhaa. too ironic. No, tahts too harsh. i swear to try to stop swearing.

Okay. Now how the....how did we coem to talka bout sweraing and miss the real matter at hand? Hand.... Hand.... Handphone. haha. right. Im getting high. strange i always get high after i lose my ahndphone. then i get hyper. i rememebr PLTC last year. i think i went nuts. was shouting at my group like a bastard. taking my anger on them. no shame. its the truth. haha. but yes. this year. im as high. FUCK! screw those ventures. "no one will steal" myass. ypu make a promise you fucking hll live up to it. this must be the pissed off self kicking in. Sigh. breathe out. dotn really want to think about it anymore. look on the bright side. at least now i can focus on studies. and those Anglican Scout found my wallet for me. I owe them forever. they brought back my faith in scouting. Of course teh wallet had no cash but still.. haha. Teh only other thing i wanan say. I bought the handphoen with my own money. so fuck you.


Was punching the chopping board. I managed to make chips come out. haha. i dunno. my knucked skin tore. My knuckles arnt the hardest. when other punched it there were dents. mine didnt dent, but then again. i was teh only guy who maaged to chip the wood! haha. I got sharp knuckles. how cool is that. my junirs then started joking about how i was wolverine, and alot of bull shit. "rat slash" and alot of crap words they used. funny lah. They were cut freaking cut marks on the wood. liek a penknife cut it. so proud... haha.


Going out for the EXCO metign for the campfire. i'm vice chairman! Im alwyas second best! wow. how cool is that. scout J camp also. nvm. its still a good feeling. and after taht im gonna go out withz enn and study. yeap. gotta leave soon. dum. travelling withouit a handphone. gonna experinece teh so called freedom dharvina nd zenn always talka bout. haha. you cant relate with me, onlosing a phone. but ican relate with you, on not having a phone. haha.
God bless those Anglican Scouts. love my brother. ciao.

of cold showers, gilmore girls and soemthign else i think i forgot

haha. nice title. remidns me of the song almost by BFS. "almost forgot to say somehtign else, and if i cant fit it in, id keep it all to myself".... haha. just read a blog. stunned me on what i read. shocking. paralysing. haha. god mayeb i DO need a theasaurus. haha. which brings to mind what zenn said. "WRONG. just cause she doesnt blog about you, doenst mean she doesnt think about you." tahtw as reassuring. this is... im-lost-for-word-ish. god. uhm uhm. I'm a leader, ic ant think of something....soon enough. first things first. write what i palnned to write in the first place.

here is somethgin totally unrelated. thinking n your feet. being criticala nd craetive. hhaa. juste xperieneecd a real life encounter. open the coke bottle. hha. heat worked. so proud of myself. haha.

No im teh only guy in my famoly that like cold showers apparently. i realsied when i went in after my sister. shower was warmed and i jumped away from it. haha. which is weird. cant rememebr when, but there was a time i used to liek warm showers. Here is a funny story. in primarys hcool, iliked to boast. alot. haha. well, i had this fiernd called elaizah. or soemthign tot hat effect. cant spell it. haha. sorry ah. but i rememebr her sayign soemthign like "i shower in cold water" to her friends and I being the annoying little brat iw as immediately cut into their conevrstaion declaring "i bath in cold water too.. every morning. and evening." haha. it could have ended there, but i became curiosu onw hat it actually felt like, and i kinda liked it. haha. the habit stuck. its dam refreshing. the only other guy i know who liek cold showers is bryan Cheang. haha. long story. id tell it another day.

Gilmore girls. its dam coo. i dont watch it taht often but when i do. pure wit and intelligence. its liek drama, or theatre. haha. :tehre isnt amoment that goes by when someone isnt talking" i told my sis. "not just that. tehre isnt a moment that goes by when someone isnt talking fast". haha. i jsut fidn it dam cool lah. hmphhh. bad. shoudl stopw atching TV. haha. im not an addict. dont say that. haha.

Venutres. got everythign out on the tabel in todays meeting. they know where im comign from. i know where theya re coming from. we are all clean. and i AM so getting my VCS,a nd my NYAA silver. its settled. dotn even bother thinking about it. its n the bag. haha. now all i need to focus on is the Prefct board and gettign to VJC.

Nichoals han and Shawn Tan. dotn elet me down. i really want you guys to maek it. i really want. and i really hop nicholas makes it. i know he's dam busy with band. just hope he gives prefects a chance. ive no doubt of him doing well., once he's in.

She called me. and it wa sthe worng number. wow. haha. how sucky can that get. still think of her. but so hard to keep contact. So seldom we chat. its almosy non-existent, communictaion taht is. But then communication isnt everything. haha. is it? i dunno. screwed up life of complicated thougths and shit. I live in hopes. dont destroy it. Just when i finished my third song of her.

Dharvin is a great guy. This is liek a shout out. haha. funny. shout outs. reminds me of that girl from nickelodean. "This shout out is to XXXXXXX from XXXXXXX. I want you tell her to please return my glass piant, i want them back." haha. i was rollign ont he floor lauging i swear. serious. its was teh cutesta nd funniets thing i ever saw.

Regardoing my dad. what he says bout not studyign and listenign tomusic and chatting. kind of true lah. The song sing for the moment is very good defense against the good things bout music. Not that my dad woudl hear it out. haha. my mom, maybe, but since the freidnster incident she aint too keen on computers eitehr. haha. and i guess by sitting here on MSN, and updating this blog, i m vindicating the statements he made. sigh. im off then. till next time.

Im not gonna be a hypocrit

wow. so the whole poitn of me starting this blog in the first place is to keeop track of the sheer traffick of thoughts runnign through my chaotic mind. but it seems even a blog cant pen down all that i have to say. god i got too many comments. i wanted t talk bout so manyt hings today, but i really dunno. 2.4, e maths, nicholas's plan for global domination, studying at jeremy's, up coming exams, tamil class in general, my interest in buddhism, bass guitar, choosing of leaders in prefects, sister's room, studyign with peter, and of being a hypocrit. wow... where to start. haha.

Nicholas wants to take over the world. I admire his dreams. ironic cause i m listenign to so impossible by dashboard right now. ahha. anyways, he has decided to appoint me minister of Jogging, since helping him pass his 2.4 today. haha. jonathen cheated today, and still failed. haha. kinda feel proud. today i helped 3 people pass 2.4. but at the cost of helping otehr, comes teh price of hindering personal progress. i still have yet a chance to try and break the 9 minute barrier. Its possible. I can do it. i just need the chance. haha. back to the ministry of jogging. its actually a demotion. previosuly he promised to make me the Vice Head of Sotheast asia. not the assistant head but the "Vice" head. haha. sweet. I could do with a job like that.

Zenn is remarkable. i swear, ia dmire that guy, for eevryhting he is. he is the ultimate inspiration for anythign to do with the arts. for me at least. true friend.

I'll skip eevrythign else today... regarding the issue of being a hypocrit, I am NOT a hypocrit. i dotn say one thign and do another. shit. there was soemhtign iw as angry about. that thing that provoked this though in me, in the first place.. now i forgot.... oh right, weddings! god. i ahte going to weddings, where i got no freaking clue who is getting married. i mean nothing to the bride and groom. i dont care about teh grooms dad or mom, or whoever cares. the bride and groom are the most important, and if i dont know them why should i go. me and sis i talked about his before many times. all family functions for that matter. Its all about politics, and putting up a good show. makes me freaking sick to me stomach. which is one reason i love my cousins. no hang ups, no put ons. nothign to lie about of force each otehr into. theya re definitely the most important people to me. my cousins. nothign gets anymore genuine than them. Angappan family; to them i owe. and at the same time i thik about the geenration before us, and its so dams ad. what ahs ahppened to sucha beautiful family. sigh. i will continue oh my lord to do all my actions for the love of you. words to live by.

not quite. but almost.

I swear. i dunno where i leraned the phrase, "i swear". but its really becoem part of me. haha. right. as iw as saying, befor i was so rudely interupted by my own thoughts.... I swear, there is no greater feeling than going skating. its not too fast to enjoy the scenery. yet its not too slow, to allow you to escape in adrenaline anytime. its smooth enough to feel the wind. yet its rough enough to feel the earth. its human enough to feel the sweat. yet its machine enough to feel yourself fly. the moment is now. and its beautiful. especailly when your by yourself. total peace, like nothing else.
of course im talking bout rec skating. not aggro. intretsing enough, i read this book while in mph yesterday. all about x-sports. only 6 pages dedicated to aggro. insulting. haha. mmmmm. bleah.

Sis painted her room green. wah. dam nice. today ins hcool stayed back with glenn and damien from remedial with miss chern. was great. glenn was motivational. ahha. in a manner of speaking. went home. uhm... what did i do at home? haha. listen to music.. watch TV. skate. wow. nothign constructive. again. well its still better than stoning in frotn of the TV and com, watsing time. i was having fun. i felt refreshed. haha. good feeling. shalala. meeting alex later at 9.. srry i mean peter... i kinda bastard two people at the same tiem today. whahah. alex and annurshah. hmphhh. not my fault. i made no promisses. reallys hould make it up to them some how.

thinsg are going great. as it is. fear what tomorrow woudl bring. hmphhh. ohw ell. got to go. sis talking to a banana now. haha. shes crazy. im off. soon enough. think of me. here somethgin mr gill told me today: "matyrs are not surviors." I laughed. i know he was talking about me. but its a good point. what am I gonna be? a matyr or a survivor. i dunno yet,. haha. help me out here. anyone. haha. god.

Awakening

and i awake. finally. over my depression. haha. all i needed was music. just drowned myself init. really helps. haha. tahsta ll i need. shalala. feel good. yeah. im typign here too mcuh. haha. at least 5 times in the past 24 hours maybe? haha. i dunno. maybe not. possibly exaggerating. but here is where i am NOT exaggerating. haha. coffee intake has gone up. had 5 iced coffees this week alone. dotn ask. there soemthign abotu me and iced coffee. i blame the chicory mix. well, see chicory is cold coffee. and has like 80-% less caffeine than normal coffee. the reason why i quit in the first place. so what happens in my mind equates colf coffee as good. haha. so i dunno, i kindof dont feel huilty anymore. dam it. i hadnt drunk coffee at all. since feb i think? hmphhh. nvm, ills top. haha. i will. you'll see.

Tamil exam. felt good. was pretty okay ah. okay-ish. haha. bad thign was i was stuck with my chemical romance playing in my head. couldnt really concentrate. haha. then my phone rung liek four times. oh well. so after the exam i claled back and talked a bit. bad move. for paper 2, iw as stuck with my chemical romance AND dora's voice in my head. haha. top it off, my mom and dad both called again. maybe i should have called THEM back during the break. wahaha. not my problem. aw, who am i kidding. of course it is. its my phone. then listening compre. hmphhh. hey! i was drinking ice coffee during the listening compre too! that makes 6 times. haha. thats so cool. *giddy, with caffeine.* anyways later met up with sis and me parents at parkway. took a bus with justin and zachary. man im too nice. the bad hting bout that means i can never take sides. liek teh theodore/zachary issue. i cant take sides. same with the battle of the khongs/kongs. ill take the side of whoeevr is tellign me the problme. too easily swayed by emotions. emotional; haha! as if.... oh shit! theres chicken pie in my bag. just rememebred. haha. chicken pie which i bought in parkway. my family has no manners, when we eat. we just eat off each other plates without asking. we switch plates around without any consultaion what so ever. ahha. even i d that. its a kind of norm. if your sick of your food give some one else. if your hungry take someone else's. if your not hungry, push the plate in fornt of some one else. haha. only just noticed today. sis was tehre for a job interview. pretty sad. working as a packer. JL. haha. that reminds me of the whoel stack of price tags she gave me once. still have it. she's learning driving which is pretty cool. so is dharvin! aha hahaaa. man. i got to call the company for dharvin. ill do it. im a friend. but shoudl have doen it sooner. ALOT sooner. been quite awhile. this friday gonna get FCS silver. i dont deserve it. shoudl i go? ill find out tomorrow. mmmmmm. ciao. feel good inc.

can you here me scream?

No of course you cant. im not audible enough. now here is some priceless advice for you. off your mind. stop thinking. it will only make you stressed. haha. not the first time i heard that. well, its not always said teh same way. but it amounts to the same concept: the more you think the worse life gets. annurshah, sylvia, malcolm in the middle. theya ll say that. haha. here's the sad part. i tried ot out once. for one whole day. the day after iw atched that amlcolm in the middle episode. i swear i was never happier in a long itme. iwas just being lame, and making really stupid comments, laughing away my problems. and id idnt care what any one thoguht. and i was having fun. enjoying myself. that night, i slept witha smiel in my face. the enxt day, i went back to normal. but the leftover joy was still there. haha. was great. But yet....so...conflicting with everythign i ever beleived in...

I must think. if i dont i lose all SELF about rishik. rishik is here ebcause he thinks. he thinks deeply. but rishik is not happy cause he thinks. I hate people who dont think. who simply accept. which is one reason i loved SS. it really challenges one to think. its why im going for the buddhist lodge visit on the 19th. cause i want tot hink. to discuss. to debate. its why i want to go for the studnet leader's covnetion. Mr thompson said it was soemthign where you needed to be mature to attend. i dont think i am. but i want to be. i want to try my best. and here i am. destroying everything i ever beleived in. Time stands still by all american reject. great song. music is good for the soul. i need time. exams draw nearer still. all i want to do, i reflect. write. sleep. listen to music. walk. blade. anything. but my mind cant work now. it cant take anymore information. you cant make it. it doesnt want to. ill study another day, i guess. hmphh. haha. this blog is really all about me isnt it? i kind of noticed. it doesnt really recount events. more of reflects thoughts. which was why i started it in the first place. tamil b paper.... i dont know. My mind is shut right now. but tsill worried and as troubled as ever.

solitary life of sad, lonely thoughts

bleah. god. earleir was not a good tiem for me to blog. honestlt speaking. tehre never is a ggood tiem for me to blog. hardly. im sure some people would have figured that out. based on the speed at which i type. and the sheer mass of typos that come with such speed. SPEED THAT DESTROYS ALL...sorry boutt he caps. see what i mean. im multi tasking and i forgot to do remove the caps. as iw as saying. speed that comes at teh cost of mye nglish. and for those who know me, english is everything. some guys have their guitar. otehrs their dogs. some even their computers. i have nothing. take away my english and i am as emptya s i can get. literally. i become H.O.L.L.O.W. no body. and that is exactly what i fear i have done. becoem no one.


Today was the day of the english test. paper 1, 2, oral, teh whole works. and i got such bad feelinsg about all. worse one ever was the oral. examiner actually told me starught to my face, my readingw as too choppy. my own fault. i only read the passage once through, behore i started day dreaming. crap. now im gonna flunk my english and its all gonan be my own crappy fault. i dunno what is happening. i feel slow. unsocial. deprived. its not a nice feeling. crappy. after oral. sat down with marc to do work. time flew till 3 soemthing. went to tm. bought music book. wen for clss. wah. came back. simpsons. went skating. sister followed. paid nadia the cash. went home. and here i am. god. what went wrong. where! i dunno. exasm tomorrow. i can sleep as late as i want. only starts at 2. im tensed. im swetaing. i dotn know what i should do. if there was a world record for longest ever identity crisis id win hands down. id challenge anyone. hah. pretty sad. im tired. im uncomfartable. im sticky. i want the air con on... god bless you all.

Gonna regret right now

ever have one of those days. things just fly. you dont know why. but it always does. it just does. unexplainable. somehting one has no control over. and the enxt to you know, your late for piano class, and your having maggi mee soup. aw shit. litstening to feelin this. darn nice song. dont want to off com. oh well. ciao.

cause its killing me

God. what is my freaking problem. I seriously got mood swing problem. I left camp feelign dam pissed. I dunno why. haha. i dunno why! god i hate scouts. screw the PSA. nyaa is enough for me. Emala talked to me in camp. he said i was selfish. made me think. not that i hadnt already thought enough. but, its true the scouts troop wont help me get my PSA if id otn intend to help them. thus i wont get help form them. thus iw ont get my PSA. who knows i mgiht not even become a venture. tahtw oudl really suck, cause i already went for FDI, SIC, Crime prevention, VLC, and all that crap. if id ont egt at least VSS, id be dam pissed. forget about me EVER coming back. dam them lah.

I got me Os this year. and i got other freidns. my life is not on scouts. get that right first. now screw off. stop taking my life. knn. I dont owe scouts anything. nothing. id be teh same person without scouts. i owe all my formation as a person to everything else. kay tahst pretty unfair but i make my stand. i owe nothign to scouts. if i want to help id help on my own free will. dont push it. i wont be subjected to any guilt or shit.

VJC. i have hope. if i use cricket perhaps. id try. haha. yes. i am rishik. the rat. the traitor. call me what you may. i cant be bothered. too strong to be affected by what ever you say.

she seems so great. but i hardly know her. cant explain it. and i harldy message or chat with her. and i end up thinking of her. but its not an unhealthy obssesion. its the type of thinking that makes me want to do well in studies. want to do well in CCA. want to improve my slef, improve my literature, my knowledge, become a better person. and thats never a bad thing.

Inspiration from rec' skating

you got me hanging by a thread.
so thin, that i fear, that it might snap.
any moment, any second;
and its too good, to simply let it slip.
so i gently hold on, still
I let her decide my final will
and take me home......
i dont really ever know...anymore
this is what ive been waiting for.
I need to know
I just want to see,
how much you mean to me.

So. I'm closing the gates now.
Wodnering if i should ever.
regret what i say, or how
what would it Matter.
I'm just a here for a moment.
And then i'm gone and stolen.
Broken. nothing really tastes thes same like it used to.
But this new bait, is strange and I'm losing you.

Bya thread now. I'm biting to see what i get now.
I'm swiming around in a net now.
No time to think bout how...
did i come to this. It is evident that
i would change, before the tide would come.

(Don't blame me, cause it sux. it was a bad day. i went skating. words flow like verbal diarhhoe in my mind, everytime i skate.. intretsingly this was teh first time iw ent recreational skatign the whole year)

i dotn feel so insecure

ahha. who would have guessed. here i was deciding.. Peter or Zenn.... Study or play... Yeah right! like i had a choice. in comes me dad, and off we go to visit of reltaives from quatar.... Quatar! i hardly knew my relatives in Malaysia; much less Quatar! well, im not comlaining. dinner was good. haha. Their son was dam cute. and he worked in elf petroleum... kind of what i wnated to do. haha. chemicla engineering and all.


Fast forward to Thursday. PE!i decided to run with Jonathen Eu today. hel;p him with his 2.4. bad mistake. thought i would help fim. boy was i wrong. we walked and talked all the way...I was suppsoed to help him. Whats wrong with me. I want to help people. bu ti keep screwing them over. sigh. I feel bad. ahha. funny lah. Today glenn was saying i was dam fats in history. i take that as a compliment. especiallyf orm soemone who beta me in end of yera last year. ahha. he's a really nice guy. i dont know why marc isnt too keen about him. haha. Arthur/ Yaw Khing saga part II. SArghhh! i just wanna sack them both! screw it lah. dad needs to use com. talk later.


And I'm back. wow. so heres the story. That day, later followed mr roshan and billya nd david to bring furniture form david's house and my house to the scouts den. Alot of travelling. haha. was david's birthday. haha. pretty sad. Then Mr roshan borught me and billy for a treta at kenny rogers at great world. Finally Mr roshan dropped me at my house. haha. i would have wrot emore. just not the same writing a day later, what happened. yeah. loses touch.

So at night went to peter's hosue to doe nglish. haha. came home late. ironic cause the passages we were doingw ere about getting enough sleep. whahaah.

They say today i was in a bad mood. they say i got up in the wrong side of the bed. they say i was in a bad mod. haha. write now as im writing this im thinking aboutt he song last train home. "they say...." nvm. anyway, tehy reason tehys aid all that was cuase was pumpinga nd shouting at a lot of guys. intretsingly none were mys ec 3s. allw ere sec2 s. haha. i dunno. i just felt i was doing the right thing. liek amrcs aid today, he isnt the punishment guy. But i cant sit there and see gusy get away with doing soemthign wrong. ohw ell. anyway i shouted at the sec 3s later. getting annoying. honestly. but i am in a good modd. theodore said i was sadistic. ahha. i dunno. oh well. day ended with treat for the eldds for getting GOLD! haha. im not too excited by it. sure. got another treat. this time pasta mania. haha. i got to carry the lewft ove pizza home. on me wya back i thought of fatimah's birthdya. what if i gave her teh pizza. haha. sememd lieka great idea till i realised i didnt know her house number. ahha. im home now, sitting here. just reminising. contemplating of my multiple personlities. one of them is gonna out shine the others sooner or later. i wonder which side its gonna be. which is gonnabecoem my fully matured and final self. hope its the poet. the scout sucks.

i never sign a blank cheque

I dunno what the the title is suppsoed to mean. haha. go figure. just being my typical pseudo-poetic self. hey! i resent that. i am poetic. to an extent. whahaha. life's a bitch. I talked to marc bout it before. it can be dam sucky one day, but dam great next. fluctuations. this is uneven rhtyma is throwing me of course. life lieks to screw me around. it plays with me. its not suppsoed to workt hat way. i am suppsoed to enjoy life. not theotehr way round! ohw ell.

Student leaders covnention; the only patrician going....Rishik V. menon. Not proud. In fact kinda sad. haha. all alone. seriously sad. haha. yes. but i made up my mind. i wanna go. today, jeremy went home early. ran to do the paper work for him, to excuse. mr lak said a very intretsing thing today that struck me. "i never sign a balnk cheque". in fact its trieks me so much i shall change my title. haha. yes. hmphhh. the sec 3E4 guys have been saying mrs leslie was talking bout my compo. yay? taht really feels great. affirmation. so much in fact i've decided. im going for teh journalsim course aND taking part in teh reader digest pen contest. and this time im serious. not liek teh tiem iw anted to write a letter to the forum page and gave up. ahah.

spekaing of forum page i took three sugegtsion forms from the general office. hhaa. just felt liek it. imm gonna fill it up. make my presecence felt. the shcool could do with more of it; my prescence i mean. clocks. wow. and played by ear.. Wow. i could never do that. so isnpired teh first thing i felt liek doing after watching the simpsons and eating cookies and ice creama nd reading a book and cleaning my room was play the piano. haha. my fingers are rusty. wow. seriosuly. i need more practise. alot more practise. the worst part is i love the piano. and it hurts when you suck at somehting i like. ohw ell. i get over it fast. haha. i usually do.

career fair. ahha. im sod am confused. journalism...film....theatre.....chemical engineering. what the hell do i do. worst case scenario i become a teacher. ahha. join teh ranks of my parents. wow. i dotn know what teh hell is going on. i really wanted to do work wit jeremy today. but he's out of commision. peter. i promsied him, id do work with him. but now i justa not in teh mood. so i wanan go hang with zenn. but.... peter..... my parents.... oh well.

friday, i got to study with marc. saturday i got meself a camp and a footdrill test. i cannot fail. put too much of myself into this. but if i do... screw them. im ove and done with scouts. taht mondya i got english exam. And then begins my road to studying non-stop, for the mid year.. but i dont want to! i wanna play the piano. i wanan skate. iwanna watch theatre. iwanna write. i wanna go shopping fer new clothes! i wanna watch a movie. so little time so much to do. haha. refernece made to TV sitcom. whatever. doesnt involve you. forget it. dam. i kind of not answering my phone to people tehse days. and i dont feel bad. tahst the sad part. good friends i have shunned. oh well. i cant be bothered. if it really is that importnat call my house. haha! that reminds me of this line i used once. I dunno i just felt it was priceless. haha. now now rishik, self praise is no praise. but i dunno. felt it was pretty cool. it went liek this. "by the way, if you call my house and they say i'm sleeping, or busy doing work; call my handphone".
kay fine. wasnt that great. you had to be IN the moment. oh shutup.

tiem fer some clarity

I'm tired. I need some time. I need alot of time. I dont have time. Crap. keep telling myself tomorrow ill dow ork, but no. I just keep pushing back. Its never the right time. I need a break. I need it so badly. Eveyrhting feels so sticky. so uncomfortable. not good. so frustrating. thinking. and htinking. and goign no where. and wanting. but not acheiving. Building up, need for release. building up tension.

Break off. I'm tired. SYF today. we rocked! yeah. maybe i wished i act. Its not bette rto have acted or anythign. but people are narrow minded. as soona s they hear you dont act, they look down on you. screw them. i dont have to conform for them. bleah. karaoke was fun. so was lunch. That really was great. but then coems back to the anxiety. of tomorrow. ista school dya. i cnat forget that. taht reallys crews up alot of htings. wah. sucky.
SYF.Made eye contact with maryam and hardly exchanged mor ethan two words with her. doesnt really matter. there will be otehr days. right now im too tired. dora and sylvia were messagin me. nice. haha. kept me occupied. annurshah called me. sadly coudlnt see her play. bleah.

I'm sod am confused. i dont know what to say aroudn people. i feel like im losing touch wth myself. i need someone to bring me back to who i am. zenn is one such person. so is dharvin. guys who have known me longer than others. i swear im hitting the boiling pointa nd i dont even know why! what is worng with me.... i dont know. so much bottled up emotion and there is no need for emotion in teh first place. i hold no flames for no one. i am a strong indivdual. yet i feel so sad. i dont know who iam, much less what or who i like. dread and msiery shadowing my thoguths and clairty. Why... Why... Why.

playing catch up

well no one lieks to play catch up. intrestingly enough, pakistan seems to be doing a good job at it. right... out of point. haha. iw as referign to my blog. my thoughts. so much has gone by. so little has been written. i dunno what to do. let it be? seems a very slip shot way of handling it. not what i would liekt o do. not what a true leader would do. but i guess thats just what i'm gonna do.

leadership. brought that up for three reasons. maybe more. wah. assistant head prefect. No, for the last time i dont feel any special. i dotn mean to sound stuck up, but i have always felt like assistant head prefect. it feels so natural. there is no difference. haha. come Hwa chong's studnet elader's convention. I wanna go for it. its a chance to improve my leadership. soemthign i wanna do. Then scouts, i really need to decide what i'm gonna do. Stop, or work for VSS? i dunno. Then there is this journalism workshop that sounds pretty intresting. hmphhh. bleah. I decide now.
work for VSS and NYAA silver, by june. During June holidays i go for the hwa chong leader;'s conventiona nd that one day jounalrism workshop. after that it all ends. by mid june all my commitments end. yes. That is how it will be. That is ALL. enough is enough. It has to end sooner or later.


Friends are great. family is great too. i love them all. dad's birthday was 6th. bougt him coffee cake. haha. one day tooe arly though. he liekd it. then came my cousin's and my aunt's birthday. Messaged my mom, and bought her a little doll kitten. was cute. she broguht me out for swenson's. thatw as last night. haha. tried toc all my cuz, but he wasnt at home. darn. i like people to like me. to know that i remember tehri birthday. it's important to me. thoguh obviously i only remember birthdays when they tell me when it is. liek fatimah, told me her's is 21st. haha. need to find a way to give her a present. i'll think of something. 23rd, shakespeare's birthday. I owe him. He had given me inspiration when iw as down and life when i was dead. not many people can appreciate him. a great person he was. i'll be seeing maryam on tuesday during SYF. intrestignly im more excited bout meetign her than the SYF itself. tahts wrong. cant blame me. tahst teh kind of person i am. and i wont change that for anyone.

I owe alot of people alot of things. here is one long shot of people i want tot hank. Hers goes; Kyle, wilfred, matthew, mr roshan, mr thompson, marc, amma, acha, anna, vicnan'nna, peter, theodore, christopher, jeremy, alex, nadia, mr chew, mdm sim, sharron, sylvia, si chung, david, david, michael, joshua, linus, brendan, justin, jason, billy, jerome, faridah, siti, sittappa, saranea, mayam, inderpal, mr gill, Paul Jon, joshua, bryan, jasveer, ivan, selvam, mathan, forrester, mr kuppusammy, miss teo, miss siva, mr tan, max, pao, jonny.

April showers.

Looming April Showers come
I can hardly see the sun
The clouds are blocking out those blinding rays...
What can I say. I had never meant to stay.

Shadows cast on the avenue
the music fills the street anew
Suddenly it feels like I can see
But I would never change. Take your breathe away from me.

It is dark now. And my senses feel sharpened.
I try hard, to hide in the mask where I sleep.
For, drawing me, out of my ignorance.
Not long before, I could have swore I was free.

Dont you releif my pain.
Or protect me from the rain.
Weather me away till I am sore.
Then I can finally feel
emotions which are so real
Let me start crying.
Stop me from hiding,
or ever let me fall back to sleep