FIVE more months! 

i am experiencing.. surprisingly, nothing at the moment. 

it's too far away (yet). 

so scary. 

who would have thought?

a lot has happened this year. 

lots to reflect on, and be thankful about. 

thankful that i have this job, that my parents are alive and well, 

thankful that i have learnt many skills i didn't know in this year here. 

thankful that we are safe despite our many flights to and fro. 

thankful that God has provided me a fiance, and husband to be. 

and as stressful as it is to plan flights and wedding via distance, 

it'll take some kind of getting used to,

being together in the same city 24/7.

i see different parts of T with different people. 

it's an interesting myraid.

and sometimes i ask myself, 

how come i am no longer as curious as i used to be?

especially when we were in the forbidden city (zone)

but i think that's one thing i take with me:

his kindness, his gentleness,

his speech that builds not tears

how much have i learnt about myself through the last year! 

i'd never thought i'll get married.

 it's still so bizarre. 

i don't think i'm ready for marriage. 

but it certainly is a faith-filled step. 

I'm seeing this guy in 19 days! Slowly starting to get excited... and finally we can increase our collection of photos together (:

And then in just under 28 weeks,  my turn to get hitched!  How fast!

Work,  as itself,  is a necessary strain to get thru. I've been stressed, consumed by responsibility.  It just doesnt make sense to devote 12 of your waking hours every single day on something that you dont like, and doesnt give you life. But it is something to get thru. I'll admit, I'm just working so that the salary wont stop. Once im up to that appointed time, I'll be outta there faster than you can stop me.

Theres plenty to look forward to in the upcoming months.. Christmas,  incentive trip in Jan.. cny in feb.. and then T comes in march to swoop me off to toronto.

So fast yet each day is also passing at a snail's speed.

I cant wait (:

It has been a pretty hard month. Relationship wise.

And today, as i remember how we got together exactly 15 months ago, i tear up. I struggle. I am not inclined to reply to t's message.

Its been hard. With stress,  discouragements, and disagreements. My thoughts have fluttered between will we make it to do i need to reconsider to i will not reply unless he calls me and will he even bother calling me.

I'm tempted to bury my head in the sand, show up on skype with a stony face and make matters worse. Im tempted not to try again and again and again. Im tempted to push all the feelings down and feel utter numbness. And to be honest, perhaps I've already done some of them.

It is so easy to run away and disappear from a long distance relationship.  Not like he can fly over immediately.

The shows that toy with your emotions,  those drama series I've watched in my high school years are taunting my emotions. If there is such thing as emotional memory, the pain, the sadness, the dread that I've felt while watching those shows are all surfacing. And i react horribly to them. I think of all worse case scenarios. I think of break ups.

I cant think logically. Tomorrow when work starts again, am i just going to put on an emotional mask and busy myself with things to do.. and have that just carry onto skype?

I dont know. Im just being a helpless girl.

Have you ever wondered over the significance of lost opportunities just because you are not heeding the still quiet prompting of the Spirit?

This past week a lady i know approached my mom and asked how i was doing. She told her that she wanted to talk to me this past year, but didnt know how to broach the topic. Maybe,  just maybe i wouldnt have struggled so much if she had taken the step to reconnect.

I'm coming from an exhaustive week. Though I've made some inner convictions not to complain and be satisfied with where i am, the fact is that this week has had a phsycial toll on me with Nightmares of work waking me up in the middle of the night.. Only to fall back asleep and dream of more work.

I hear many voices around me. Telling me to stay.  Telling me to leave. What is my call? Have i forgotten it over the chime of voices? 

I ask questions.  Why Lord? What should i do? And as i enter yet another transition point in my life, is this where you're leading me?

And when i hurt from a long distance relationship,  i cry. I grumble.  I am affected.  I look expectantly on my Father, only to hear his still quiet voice that his work in me is both to will and work me for his good pleasure. 

I've been so consumed by the things around me.. perhaps I've neglected that first love.. and its a huge struggle seeking out that voice and silencing the rest. 

God, where are you leading me?

I am.. approximately 7 months and 4 days to becoming a mrs.

I think it'll def become more of a reality as the time gets closer.. but right now I'm in a perpetual bliss of work,  sleep, minimal house work,  no need to worry about bills and putting food on a table and caring for a husband.

The past month has been quite packed, with travels and rest.. and lots to do.

There are lots of exciting plans ahead. Lots of decisions i am seemingly making on my own strength and not running to my abba father to ask for help.

Tbh, qts are dry. My r/s isn't the most imitate thing right now. I've been preoccupied by useless information blarring at me all the time. My heart's not quiet.  Not seeking my Saviour's whisper. Not enjoying my time with Him here in Singapore.

Caught in the rat race I've tried so hard to avoid.

What a crazy week! We clocked 700km on the car driving to and fro KL and Singapore,  working!

Exhausting, but fun, fulfilling and life-giving.

There was one day I thought I had to live in Canada for 2 years straight without leaving the country.. and i seriously panicked big time.  Maybe it is a tck thing, maybe its me :p

Anyway.. janices birthday today! So pictures to follow!

Road tripping! For work... hahahaa:p

Girl Friends (:

 

Was attending premarital counselling with this woman.

my oldest friend.

with our men at lands far away, 

i guess we gotta learn to survive the distance. 

i really don't think i'd be able to do the length of time she does. 

i'm already (sometimes) going crazy.

being ironically very used to it. 

not seeing him, not being there with him.

to us, this is "normal".

him being asleep during my day, and me during his.

 we've got a whole lifetime together right? 

marriage is scary.

i don't know what it entails or it even means. 

guess i will find out.... sooon. =P

i miss this guy. long distance and time difference is hard. but good at times.

good cos you know that somewhere out there, there is someone who loves you and cares for you and prays for you. and will listen to you. good cos our physical boundaries are clear.

hard cos we can't see each other anytime we want. because contact is far and few in between. because when we fight, there's only a specific time frame we have to solve everything.. or risk it affecting everything else you do.

what does the future hold? even a date is elusive. but i guess its exciting when you know you're aren't alone in moving halfway across the world, arent' alone in travelling around.

career is going good. prospects are soaring. as i get more comfortable in singapore, more settled in the system, would i be okay making him come over? would i want to just leave everything behind and go over?

i think the answer is simple. i'll do anything. everything. the salary is good. i like being stable. being secure in finances. but that's not what we were called to be. if money was everything, i would have gone looking for a better paying job. i would have committed my life to work.

but no, i refuse to.

call me weird, but being normal is always what i'm never after.

still learning this lesson of contentment.

right here, right now, right this moment.

still struggling with it.

to stop looking forward into the future, but to focus on the here and now.

i drove to work today.

my body, rigid, tense, stressed.

scared something would happen.
the car would break down. i would lose control. i would get an accident.

a bagful of "what ifs".

how does Christ become my motivation in work?
how does work become a thing to look forward to, instead of utmost dread?
what is Christ doing in my workplace?
and in me, in this season, that I cannot see?

questions, leaving no answers.

every single season i go through this.

how do i persevere through this to receive this crown of life that has been promised.

God has been speaking volumes, but have I stopped to listen?
have I stopped to obey? and understand?

going through the same old thing, with almost the same realisations perhaps have shown that i haven't grown or learnt.

Jesus, help.

so, maybe, as i try to attempt to write more, to process more.. maybe, just maybe this space will be used more regularly. 

i think my mind is already is a countdown mode. countdown to the end of work. countdown to leaving Singapore. countdown to getting married. countdown to end of long distance. countdown to a new season, new adventures, new excitement. 

feels like this is only temporary, but i'm having such great trouble focusing. i'm having difficulties meeting my numbers. meeting clients. getting jobs. my mind is sunk in the short timings i can say hello to T, wedding planning, life after marriage. i'm not enjoying the process now. 

yesterday T asked me to read something from "My Utmost For His Highest", you can read it http://utmost.org/god%E2%80%99s-purpose-or-mine/.. and certain things struck out to me. 

The fact that His purposes for me is for the NOW, and that reaching my goal simply becomes an episode along the way. the truth that His purpose is in the process itself, that His training is for now, not for later. 

Such a change in thinking. for someone who is so task oriented, so driven towards result, so focused on the end goal rather than the process, it takes a stop, a forced look into my life, my thoughts, and a huge reorientation of my thinking to be able to accept that im here where i am because He placed me here. 

its so easy to pass through life blindly to "reach that goal", and only to realise that another goal mysteriously and miraculously appears AGAIN right after it. and for me it is difficult. it is difficult to see that what i'm going through now, no matter how good or how bad, is exactly where He wants me to be. 

in Singapore. in GEG. as a BD Exec. in a long distance r/s. as an engaged woman. barely knowing what i'm talking about most of the time. sister. daughter. yearning to go and spread my wings. 

but still in Singapore. 

planning a date to get married is difficult.

because the fact is that the date really doesn't depend on us, it now boils down to who can be there and when.

and it is painful because my closest friends can't be there.

unless we choose to wait a few months later. which would bring costs up.. because we'll be hitting the summer months.. and can we really wait?

i guess a TCK has to be like that eh? and as i move on to a new season, will my friends also change?

too many considerations. maybe also tears.

some peektures of a delightful June!

John, a friend was kind enough to take pictures for us!

This was us in the city we met and spent most of our time together! 

My biggest smile! (: 

And the day we got engaged! 220614

happy faces!!! 

admiring the new bling! =P 

showing it off to friends from afar! I was still thinking.. who do i want to tell first...

not knowing that ALL of them knew.. and was waiting for me to come back home!!! 

concentrating on washing the feet! =P 

and.... i nodded my head... 

and said yes a few days later...

The story does continue!!

stay tuned for more T and J (:

I'll admit I have this crazy tendency to want to be in control. In control of situations, of planning, maybe not so much of life (ive already done wrestling over that with God).

But with this upcoming driving test (yes, again!), I am not in control. I allow my instructor to frustrate, annoy, irritate me. I am not in control of the day. And as a result, I panic. Big time.

Panicking comes in the form of sleepless mornings, the kind that causes you to awake way before an early alarm, the kind that causes you to toss and turn and fret through the night,  that nagging feeling that refuses to go away at the back of your head. Signs of a daughter not trusting her Father.

Its the same for wedding planning. As I sieve through mounts of research through the world wide web and panic as I am nowhere closer to finding a date and venue.. and every kiasu Singaporean couple has booked their venues two years in advance, I panic. And fret. And possibly drive T up the wall. Oh, did I also mention I hate research? I often end up paying more and much more for my uninformedness. (If thats a word)

But I digress.

So this morning as I sat down to my daily dose of Dad and me, I chuckled because it was the 3rd of the month. Which means Proverbs 3. Ahh the very famous proverbs chapter 3. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart.." I knew that verse by heart. But did it really sink into my heart? Did I really apply what has been continuously drummed into my head by countless Sunday school teachers and parents alike?

The answer? Maybe not.

Why else would I fret over a simple test that I havent mastered the ability to pass through yet? Why else would I freak out over losing control of my emotions and situations? Why else would I be so panicky over planning a celebration with my year of experience of planning parties? Those sleepless times? The thing that is going round and round my brain?

Its a heart check. And its a necessary one. Times like this that help me realise ive somehow, along the way, strayed from my Father's feet, and wandered off on my own. Getting lost and only now, calling out to Him for help. When he's been watching me all these times.

It's times like these that drive me back to His open waiting arms. Where I can surrender, confess, repent, and trust. And He's always there. For that, I'm so thankful.

We're engaged.

We're still sinners.

We still hurt each other.

Me, more so, with my harsh speech and loose tongue.

and him, from a super intense last month and slowly transitioning out of stint.

We're both stressed in different ways/ worked up in different ways.

But there's hope, there's sanctification.. there's the gospel.

here goes more intense moulding!

back at work today after a month's long vacation.

i needed it. every bit of it. every bit of counselling and refreshment and a renewed perspective and future plans and time spent with people.

Vancouver was wonderful but short. seeing people i loved, times and spaces to share, attending the wedding and the graduation ceremony. it was start of the healing process, start of the realisation that i was healed even tho i didn't realise it, unconsciously processing through busy long days.

Toronto was fun, and freaked me out a little. Meeting the parents, getting cared for, getting overwhelmed by the weight of my future decisions, seeing the place i might live in for a little while.. having lots of conversations about the future plans.

the three day tour to montreal and quebec city was a well needed break from people. just to enjoy the city and really be tourists.. ironically it was during those days i really got to work through some issues with T and talk about some more future plans.

North Carolina was really good too! Seeing and receiving advice and love on long distance relationships.. knowing that it is gonna be hard but possible.

AND! seeing T and the city was so encouraging and uplifting. seeing God answer prayers, spending as much of my waking hours with him, hanging out with him, long and hard conversations with him, singing, praying, walking, exploring, dating.. all these we all missed out on with distance.. and just having a short 5 days to catch up on them.

now that im back, refreshed, renewed and recharged... it's a dangerous thin line to stepping out and falling again in the abyss of stress, of self pity, of focusing on self, of not getting the bigger picture, of being stuck.

beautiful memories.

Christ is enough for me.

it's a truth i will have to hold on to when the ride gets tough and the tears start falling. 

I hate late nights,  and terrible Internet connections and delayed text messages and difficult topics that come up just before bed.

I hate the sinking feeling I always get.  The one that tells me it's my fault and all I want to do is push him away and a break up is imminent.

I hate lies.  Lies that tell me I'm too difficult. I'm not worth it.  He can leave any time. Lies that break my heart.

I hate feeling insecure and having it show through.

I am very sad that come June, he'll be gone to a further place.  A vastly different time zone. Flight costs will double. Triple. Skypes and messages will be a challenge.

The distance makes it so hard.

today, i left the house at 7.50am.

i was determined to arrive on time, or at least earlyish.

as circumstances would have it, the bus broke down.
the back door refused to close. and the driver couldn't drive off.

i arrived at work at 9am.

when it happened, i asked God to teach me something through this lesson.
for once, i peeled my eyes and ears away from my phone and looked around me.

and observed.

and learnt.

There were a whole bunch of hurried adults rushing to work.. and late because of the breakdown.
mostly people were compliant, and quiet because all their attention was absorbed into that little small device.

Then there was this lady who complained the entire way. and told us to behave because we were "Singaporeans". and claimed that its so bad just because she has left Singapore for the last 20 years and just came back.

i have met so many Singaporeans who want to leave... and not come back.

it got me reflecting.

Why, as a Singaporean, do I have such a strong reaction against Singapore? Why do we complain so dang much? Why do we never remain contented despite knowing that we are one of the more wealthy countries in South East Asia? That we have a job? A government that takes care of us? That I can walk around at 2am and feel absolutely safe?

Maybe that's our sin tendency as a Singaporean. the inability to feel contented. to look beyond what i already have and want more more more. it's not a bad thing to strive for higher, but when it becomes our way of life, when it causes us to look down upon our current situations and hate it... then thats not good right?

lots of other thoughts.....

Christ has got my back!

One of my more favourite pictures from Easter. 

Life's been okay. 

Really looking forward to a one month break...

and travelling..

and smelling fresh Canadian air. 

and being with all my friends. 

and maybe forget work for just that bit. 

I've been shown grace today.

Thanks to me being lost, and slower than usual, and my brain not around, I made a mistake. A mistake that could potentially cause my company tens of thousands of dollars. There's no one to blame. It was an oversight, it was a mistake that I caused,  that started with me.

When I realised the mistake, I was two hours away from an important deadline that included the mistake. Nevertheless it was a mad rush to solve the problem, an anxious few moments when I just didn't know what to do, what am I going to say to my bosses,  how to explain this away.

My immediate bosses told me: it's okay, Joanne. We will cover up for you. When the bosses ask you, just keep quiet and look down.

I was so thankful. I was so ready to go up to the bosses and say... its my fault,  I'm willing to accept the punishment.

Then it struck me that it was exactly what Jesus did for me. I made a mistake. A huge one. What's different is that this was unforgivable. And yet, even tho I could try to answer for myself,  really... I couldnt. But Jesus answered on my behalf, suffered the consequences for me, and was silent about it. He didnt demand a payback, a return of favour for what he had done for me. He stood in between me and God. Like how the intermediate supervisors will stand in between me and the bosses.

And how would I feel? Grateful? Thankful? A harder, better worker? Determined to return the favour? Yet, Jesus didnt request any of this. He only told me to trust, to cast all my cares and to rest.

I still dont understand grace.

if you're reading this, please pray.

from my heart, i am stuck. i feel stuck in a deep deep rut.

i feel the need to cry.

but i don't know why.

i can't fathom my emotions anymore, terrified that i'm falling back into the darkness of a stint year.

where each day was just a mere count down to the end date.

the darkness where i don't know what to do, don't know how to think, can't wake up, can't function, can't work.

this darkness scares me. this darkness drives me to desperation.

because i know that i am capable. i know i am smart. i know i can think independently.

i also know i am stuck.

and i can't get out.

what do circumstances affect me so easily?

help.

i am hopeful.

hopeful for things to come, for a breakthrough to happen, for eyes to be opened to see what i can't fathom.

excited for a change of heart, a change of perspective, a work done in me that is greater than i can ever ask or imagine.

thankful for the Holy Spirit.

what a change! what a switch!

from what i have had inputted in my head for the past 8 months, maybe, maybe, slowly, all starts to make sense. and sink deep into my heart.

He has a plan. He holds my future. He knows what He is doing. even when i don't.

ESPECIALLY when i don't.

i need to keep pushing on.

even times when i feel like throwing in the towel and dream of life somewhere else.

oh lord, please help. 

Peektures. 

We are pretty crazy. 

I wonder who does what? =P

Its been almost a month since I last spoke here.... and even written something intelligible. Between times of the daily struggle to wake up early enough to do qts, a long work day and barely any time for myself, thinking and reflection comes in way at the end.

It has not been long since I took my break, but each week after I return home exhausted from working hard, I come back the next week to be told.. you gotta work harder, its just not enough. Will work life forever be like this? Work work work, and when the financial year ends and starts again, your numbers start from zero, you start all over again... but your body,  your soul,  your mind is still exhausted from the last year's worth of work... but you just gotta push thru... not even getting a moment of rest. Even schools get holidays... why dont working adults also do?

As much as I want to prove myself, get into the groove of things and show something,  these thoughts wear me out.  And I havent even been working for 1 yr yet! How do I expect myself to last for the next 40-50yrs? 

My prayer requests has been the same it has ever been: strive for intimacy with God, not to make it legalism but a joy to do it.

I'm already looking forward to my next holiday. 

Having lived in Singapore for almost 8 months now, there are times I yearn to travel. Just hop onto a plane and go somewhere else for just a few days, to break me out of my metropolitan bubble, to wake me up from the dream I'm living, to open my eyes to more realities than my own, and to stop me from running this rat race for just a split second.

Its times like this that is a jolt to the system. When I land in some other asian country, and realise (yet again) the efficiencies of my country. The law of peace and order. The cleaniness. The safety. The fact I know I am not cheated in taxis or food stands. The wealth. The list goes on.

Sounds like a north american country? So similar yet so different at the same time. The fact that I can eat a meal under $5 anywhere, at any time of the day. No unhidden costs of tipping or taxes. Budget airlines connecting my city to most parts of asia giving me the ability to travel and broaden my horizons at such a low cost. Maybe our people aren't as polite, maybe our service isnt as good, maybe we do practice discrimination to a degree more overtly. Whatever it is, it makes Singapore so unique, so one of a kind, so Asian.. yet not really in an interesting twist of cultures.

I enjoy being in Asia. Thats where I feel most comfortable in, most at home. Recently, having to think of possibly spending parts of my life in other parts of the world outside Asia is a scary thought. It's about giving and taking. Yet, at the same time, its a stark reminder that this world is not my home, im just a passing through.

Wherever it is, asia, north america, even africa, this place is not my home. I'm not supposed to spend forever making life comfortable for myself. Wherever I call home this year or the next few are all determined by the One who set out boundaries before my time, the One who gave me life, and a true reason to live. The One who would eventually take me back home one fine day. And while im waiting, I'll learn to be contented with what I currently have.

It's an ongoing lesson.

the past two weeks:

spending lots of time with cousins and family and getting red packets and the boy (:

spent good quality one to one time together.. also falling sick together haha.

exploring Singapore and going to all the places I've wanted to go but never had the chance or companion to.

and lots of yummy dinners and fancy dressing up.

i do miss this guy. getting my eyes opened to the sin within me, the selfish nature that only looks out for my own interests.

and... Company's D&D... the theme: kiddy!

i was the emceeee...

co-emcees!

was fun!

now on to a busy period of work.

need lots of God's strength and power and grace.
learning lots of His sustenance.

It has been a wonderful 11 days of rest. Even though most days were spent resting.. cos either T or I were down with vomiting or diarrhea. heh.

anyway, here are some pictures of our time together!

 strawberry picking!! the three of us just posed for pictures hahaha.

some hot spring thing. 

a photoshoot! great date idea =P i'm looking forward to the pictures arriving! 

now, just let me enjoy one more day of rest before work starts... its gonna be a crazy weekend again....

tired. the tiredness goes beyond physical.

the weariness in the soul.

it has only been 6 months.

but i feel like i'm about to collapse.


i can't focus.
i find no joy.
i'm not as efficient, as fast.

i have no more motivation to work.

and i dont think it has anything to do with T coming.

i'm too weary to even be thinking of him coming.

i just need to sleep. 
im exhausted.

Today, I was on the receiving end of someone who received a prompting from God and was obedient enough to follow it.

Thank you GOD that happened.

Today I went for my 5th driving lesson.

After the lesson, I spoke to someone to ask him to book my driving test to me. While speaking, I sensed the familiar sensations of a black out coming: my vision was getting brighter and brighter, my stomach really hurt, and as I leaned my head against the car door, I felt the world go black, and me stumbling backwards.

Thankfully the guy caught my arm before I fell backwards and made me sit in the car and gave me a cup of water when I requested for it.. while I waited for my vision to come back.

--

Earlier that morning, Maggie messaged me to ask if we wanted to meet. I told her we could meet after my driving lesson which was at a location close to her house. She agreed.

--

So while sitting in that car, I thought about how I should call Maggie to cancel our meet up and call my parents to come pick me up, because obviously, I was in no position to go home. I was still in lots of pain.

So i called maggie. she picked up, and apparently she had already arrived in the location. so i told her where i was and what happened and she came over to help me out of the car and into her car. I threw up on the way, and then she gave me some meds and brought me to the office to rest up. and took care of me till the colour came back to my face.

Later on, I asked her why she had contacted me.

and she was like.. i donno, your face kept appearing in my mind, so I contacted you..

man. it was totally God. if Maggie wasn't there, I dont know how long I would have to wait till my parents came. But she was there at exactly the right time and she knew exactly what to do. Thank you God. i am soooo thankful that He really provided and took care of me before I knew I needed it. 

also so thankful that Maggie was sensitive and obedient to God.

lesson learnt. next time i sense a prompting.. I'm so gonna act on it right away... never know what's gonna happen!

Hello January.

It all happens and starts all over again.

Here's to a faith filled,  closer walk with God, adventure filled year!

Cheers!