It has come to the time of the year when I do a pictorial review of this entire 2012! (: 

2012 has been eventful, majority of it was spent preparing for my trip to East Asia.. and being here. Needless to say, I am thankful for the many experiences I've had.. though some of them may be difficult and challenging. Let's start from..

December

This month, I celebrated Christmas with multiple people... with my delightful friends, we went to a nice dinner and had a wonderful gift exchange after..

As well as celebrated with our other friends out of town! It was very nice to see their faces, and chill and play games and take a short break.

This past weekend we also crammed about 46 people into our house (thank God for the space, seriously!!) and got a chance to share the Christmas story.. the reason for this season.. and why he is so important to us! 

I also got a chance to return home to Singapore for a two day trip. It was nice seeing the entire family. and permed my hair =P 

I remember the two weeks before I went home, how stressed I was.. there was so much to do, so many people to talk to... yet at the same time, God worked wonders and we saw four new sisters in a two week period!! (:

There's still lots to do.. in this new year, lots to follow up.. time flies by here SO quick!!

November

We got together again for our early Christmas. Even though it was supposed to be a relaxing weekend, it really brought up (for me) a lot of past hurt regarding friendships and distances.Thank God right now I think I am passed that.. but when I was going through that period, it really hurt a lot.. when expectations are placed high and they all come crashing down.

I was also quite sick for most part of November. some silly stomach bacteria that refused to be expelled from my body despite many many many runs to the washroom! 

October

Such a gift from God that I was able to visit some of my closest friends in HK. I think before I left I was just mentally and physically and emotionally stressed... and the one day trip did wonders to my soul. I came back feeling so refreshed, so empowered for the next part of ministry, so different.

It was short, but it was so good. It cleared up my head.. and help me realise things that needed to happen in order for relationships to work out well.

and that's what I did.. i had a 3 hr conflict resolution talk with a friend.. which turned out so so so much for the better, and we walked away from the talk being better friends and siblings in Christ. 

Also had thanksgiving dinner with friendss (: 

and Leona visited my home... again, such a blessing in disguise!! 

I think this month really taught me dependence. I was so weak, so appalled at my own lack of strength.. that I was driven time and time again to depend on God.. time and time again to cry out, to wonder, to simply be helpless.

September

Probably one of the hardest months of the year.. as I learned and struggled to understand myself, to fit into different cultures, to make myself understood. It was frustrating, trying so hard not to step on people's toes when I felt like an elephant dancing in a china shop. It was hard, so hard. and i heard SO many lies. SOOO many of them.

So many adjustments into the new culture and new friends. We also moved. 

It was probably during this time that I got an operation done here in East Asia. A horrifying experience.. probably never wanting to do it again!

August

Flew back to Vancouver. TO be perfectly honest, I was M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E. didn't want to be in north america any longer, cried so much in one week. just wanted to be back in Asia ASAP. 

said lots of goodbyes. and got excited to leave. 

met new friends and finally flew off with dear friends sending me off. phew, i've been waiting all year for this day to happen... I wonder if Leona is crying? =P 

it was just horrible entering a new country and experiencing jet lag all over again. I seriously wondered if I would ever sleep well again... and learning how to ride a bike in crazyyy traffic! 

July

Flew to Sri Lanka on a holiday trip with the family. Was supposed to do a trip to Korea too, but cancelled 7 hours before flight.. was just wayy toooo sick with d train =S i think i was getting pretty excited to go to EA. 

June

turned 22 and celebrated with close family!! (:

spent the first part of June in Shanghai where I spoke close to 100 people in that one week period. was intense, but so thankful, and sooo good. so amazed at God. 

Support finally all came in. FINALLY. 5 mths of hard work!

 May

Saw on FB that my grandpa passed away, merely two weeks before graduation. Spent time grieving and crying with friends. It was a tearful May. Spent extended time in Vancouver.

But I also finished my degree on time and got that important piece of paper!

We visited the rockies on the parents' short 10 day trip from Singapore.

it was good.

Also went to Bellingham in US to spend some time away with Tenth church. It was refreshing.

April

Went from Vancouver to Seattle. 

And from Seattle to North Carolina to visit some dear friends! 

and then from NC to Toronto for a training!

Also during this time, I took my hardest exam and PASSED!!! which gave me enough credits to GRADUATE. till today i still don't get  how I passed. its a miracle, really. a miracle i really really needed.

Cooked for 17 people! was fun (:

March

Don't remember much of this month.. just caught in that weird limbo of wanting to be done quick.. yet not quite there yet. Starting to say goodbye to people, and processing leaving this city. Leaving support raising up to God, releasing it to Him.

February

Huge crash from support raising. Spent a whole weekend crying. had suicidal thoughts. was completely exhausted from support raising, and didn't want to do it anymore. had to learn to release. learn to give up my control. learn to let Him. it was an intense month.

January

 Started the year in Calgary with my girls at WC.

The new year's eve party! 

Officially started support raising and saw God provide $1000 without my help. was so amazed and humbled.. and decided I loved support raising!

Also received news that rocked my world.. and continues to rock/influence me up till today. For privacy reasons I can't announce it on WWW... but maybe one day I'll say it =p needless to say, this news is still on my mind up til today.. and affects quite a bit of what I do or how I act. 

--

What will we do tomorrow, when it is new year's eve? I dont know, something spectacular maybe =P TO be honest, I feel a little nervous for 2013.. like something's big gonna happen.. or maybe I just associate 13 with bad things happening.. I'm probably superstitious hahaa.... but here's to God using me in crazier ways next year, and that I will constantly constantly follow after Him! I think I'm nervous because I don't know what to do yet, come June.... =P

*while skyping home on this Christmas Day.

Dad: Merry Christmas Joanne! Now, about your resume.. you should add this and that into this part and talk about this and that..

- despite really bad internet connections and I could barely hear him, he seriously went on and on and on till I told him that I decided to skype home for Christmas and he talks about work?! before he finally quit and passed the phone to my mom.

and because i'm also hopelessly sick this Christmas. My mom takes a look at my face and goes..
Mom: Can you please please please please take your cough tablets? How can you share with your friends when you can't even take care of your own body -- the temple of God?! They will be so afraid of you coughing in front of them.. are you spreading germs or Jesus?

.. and that ended my lovely 20 min and under Christmas conversation with them.

Have yourself a merry merry Christmas.. it's strange to be celebrating His birth in a land where no one believes, or even have a holiday. I'm off to take some medicine and hop right back to bed!

*picture taken when straight hair was still "in". hahahhaha (:

it has been a long long 6 day week. doesn't help that i've been working most nights.. and cycling out in the cold weather while also battling a flu. i'm sick, down and quite out. and i'm still working =S it also doesn't really help that it's NEGATIVE 17 tomorrow. (plus windchill its -20 degrees Celsius)

im tired, it really doesn't feel like christmas.. and i have a whole bunch of friends coming over for the weekend.. which will probably not contribute to a much needed rest. also haven't been sleeping well for the past week. (keep waking up almost every night at 3am ish) It's hard to believe that one week ago, I was in the airport in warm Singapore checking in and discovering that my flight has been delayed. It's passed so fast.

today a friend casually noted that most of the things that come out of my mouth describing myself are usually negative, like.. i don't think i can play the piano well, or sing well, or cook well. and i think that's true.. when this friend asked me what i thought i did well..  i found it quite difficult to say.

is it me? or is it the culture that i've been brought up in -- where you don't say good things about yourself.. and when people compliment you, you deny it =S

i don't know, maybe i have selective hearing.. i only hear not so good things about myself, i only hear criticisms. or maybe i just put myself down constantly, or compare myself to so many other people. i may know how to do so many things, but i honestly think i can't do them well. i have so much to work to do in my life.

i'm ( a little bit) scared.

This is my family... 

 

hahaa, we were fooling around with my old sunnies.. with the lenses popped out.

and these images are perfect.. the creepy one (andrew behind dee) never fails to make me laugh so hard. 

 and these are my favourite stuffed animals! 

i laughed so hard when they opened their door dressed like that...

they look sooo cute, i just feel like going over to give them a big hug (which never happened btw)

and we built my first ever blanket fort..

 and sat underneath playing games, chilling, drinking happy drinks (read: baileys and hot chocolate), and eating chocolates and chips!

here's us inside! (: 

you like our Christmas tree? 

it doesn't feel like christmas.. especially since we're working all the way through.. LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of things to do, parties to plan, admin stuff to do.. i'm almost swamped! but thankful for God's abundant provision and care and grace despite it all.. i'm not dying yet =P

a few days ago, i sat down and tried to remember all the wonderful things God did in the past few months..and i'm trying to create something out of all these wonderful memories.. it's on its way! (:

there are lies in my head that i believe in.. lies that tell me i'm not beautiful, i'm not pretty, why would anyone love me? lies that make me very sad and wake me up in the middle of the night. lies that make me hate the sound of my own voice or the way i act in videos. lies that have been ingrained in me for so long, i forgot they existed and it's a difficult battle to fight them and reverse their impact on me. lies that i'm so afraid to voice out because i'm afraid of what people might think of me.. that i'm obsessed with my looks.. the lie that i have to keep to myself.

currently at the Singapore Changi Airport awaiting my flight back. it's 1.30AM, it's delayed because of heavy snow the other side, and so I'm here just jotting down thoughts from the past few days back "home".

my mom wrote me a little card, and she said.. "welcome back to Singapore, your place of birth. I'm not even sure if you call this home anymore.. maybe right now home is where your heart is." and that literally broke my heart while reading her letter and i cried =S

but that is so true. i can't call Singapore home anymore, i just happened to be born here and hold the passport. being back was weird, simply because i felt as if my heart was with my team back in East Asia, and because it felt kinda.. normal to have dinner in Singapore when that morning I had breakfast in EA.

travel messes my head up. it seems almost normal to be sitting in a car, in warm sunny singapore, in the bedroom i grew up when just merely hours ago i was freezing in a bus with a whole bunch of strangers. i think leaving my parents was easier simply because i knew i would be seeing them in 3 weeks again. but, i don't know if i can do it again and again in the future. it really doesn't get easier with time.

i don't know what i want to do after this year. i don't know what my future holds me, or where i'd be. i feel like a normad.. travelling from place to place, unwilling and not able to settle down somewhere and let the roots grow deep. i don't know what i want, what i desire.. or which place/job is suitable for me or my character.

i was reading a book on the way back and something really stood out to me.. that we all practice the sin of self protection. i don't open up or i don't love freely because i'm afraid of disappointments, that my expectations won't be met. and of cos they won't. this core need and desire inside of me will never be fulfilled till i see Jesus again in heaven. until then, i will be left craving and desiring.. and trying so hard to fill that hole with things that will never satisfy. that really struck me. at first it placed me in the seat of denial, but the more i thought about it, the more i realised it to be true. =S

i have 5 minutes before the session runs out. and i'm hungry. =S maybe i should go occupy myself to keep myself from eating. or maybe i should slowly make my way to my gate... till the next entry!

it doesn't feel like christmas =S
last year i was in MEXICO.
its crazy how fast this year went.
okay i should stop. =P

i am so thankful for the past few days: though it has been stressful, but still so thankful to be seeing God's amazing direction leading me to be encouraged and affirmed.

i had to have a conflict resolution with a friend on the weekend, and i was dreading it. simply because i hate conflict, i hate approaching people, and i hate taking the initiative to do so. i was praying so hard that an opportunity would arise.. and when i found out that this particular friend was going to teach english with another friend that afternoon, i volunteered to switch with the other friend. because, you see, it took an hour's bus ride to get from where we lived to where we had to teach english.. and i figured.. an hour would be more than enough to have this talk.

but to my dismay, when all of us got together for a meeting that morning, i found out that this friend had switched with his roommate! so i ended up going to teach english with his roommate, being frustrated all the way that i had to set up yet another appointment with him to have this talk.. and on the bus we went. But, of course, God had the last laugh.

on the bus, this random girl suddenly talked to me about the headband i was wearing. so i showed it to her, and we had a brief conversation.. then i went back talking to the friend that was on the bus with me. halfway through, she interrupted us again, and we had a good conversation on the bus.. we exchanged numbers and i found out that she went to the campus that i would almost always hang out at.. which was so cool!! and we talked a little bit about Christmas, and the true origin of Christmas.. and I found out that her mom was a Christian! She wasn't and I didn't get a chance to ask her if she was interested in this before she had to get off the bus! Wow, that interaction left me so encouraged, because I didn't even take the initiative to approach her.. and what are the odds that she went to the campus I hung out most at!

My friend really reminded me of God's clever arrangement. If I was doing conflict resolution in the bus, and this girl had approached me, i would probably just ignored her and not start a conversation with her.. but becuase I wasn't doing so.. because we had done so many switches.. I now have an added friend on that campus! and I'm pretty excited about it!

Last night, I spent almost 4 hours having a good conversation with another guy who had a lot of questions. Honestly, at first I went into the conversation VERY argumentative, but halfway through.. GOd was really softening my heart towards him, and I really felt like I truly cared for him as a friend, and someone I really hope would find answers to his many questions. He was so diligent in his searching, and honestly, only God is the only one who would be able to change his circumstances and heart.. not me and my so not eloquent words (and misunderstandings and confusions and language barrier). even though we talked for almost 4 hours, and i was seriously loosing my voice towards the end.. i wasn't tired, but super energized by what had happened and the change God was doing in my heart and hopefully his heart as well..

and.. you know you've assimilated well into the culture.. when people ask you, "did you ever study abroad?" (i think when they hear me speak english..) and when i tell them I'm not from the country.. they go.. "what?! are you korean then?" hehehe, sorry Singaporeans.. I'm doing a quite bad job of representing the country.. i don't even feel like a Singaporean most of the time anyway... =P Heaven's my home! (:

but.. i get to see my family in 3 days! i'm quite excited (:

lest you think that i am constantly depressed, i will brighten the mood of this blog with a few pictures and things to be thankful for!

yes, it is for sure that i have been going through hard times, which has resulted in me being more sad and often tired than usual.. but i'm hopefully and slowly learning joy through these tough times! 

things to be thankful for:

 a bunch of beautiful ladies as my friends and family who will support me.

 

abundant supply of chocolate for rainy days! 

[even though i have been giving them out more than eating them for myself hahahaa]

early Christmas presents (: 

a couple of dares, and a good laugh! 

i've been writing poems a lot.. =P but i guess its a good way for me to process what's going inside, to let it all out and not let my thoughts [both good and bad] consume me. it's been a stressful week, it's been a week when i've felt like i've got a lot on my plate and hardly any time to finish all of them. it's been a week of early nights and early mornings and multiple dreams each night, so much so that when i wake up, i feel super exhausted. it's also been a week where the dark circles around my eyes are intensely dark. [i never had dark circles while i was studying!!]

but it's also been the week where i've understood the gospel one step more clearly. it's been the week where i've seen it played out, in my weakness, and totally in His strength. it's been a week of encouragement from young believers, but for some strange reason, it is not hitting my heart. it's been a week that the angels are partying like crazy in heaven. it has been a week that i will and still survive. and i will hopefully, eventually learn how to thrive.

I feel like i'm on an emotional roller coaster, swinging drastically from one end to the other. sometimes i wake up happy, then suddenly in the middle of the day things go really bad, and maybe hopefully the day ends happy. this week has been an exhausting week, with many late night meetings and long days, and i ended yesterday very exhausted and very drained. i haven't been sleeping well the past week too, waking up in the middle of the night and up super early in the mornings (like before 7am.. NO matter what time i slept). A friend was with me and asked "what is bugging you?" honestly i was a little bit stunned by his question. the words came, but i just couldn't share it. too personal, too deep, too hard. 

we biked around after, trying to find a release for this tiredness i was feeling. deep down i think i knew i needed to be home, but at the same time i really didn't want to be alone.. so maybe i deceived myself thinking biking around would help. halfway through, i had to stop and ask myself, "What are we doing?" It sounded like a simple question, but I knew there was more to it that I was asking, more to it that I couldn't answer. I didn't dare answer. 

I feel like I'm losing all my abilities here. The ability to make quick decisions, to hold fast to my decisions. The ability to know what I really want and be true to myself, to stand firm. The ability to be independent and be strong. I've become so indecisive it's been frustrating. I've been unable to make simple decisions, like what I want to eat, or what should I buy, or where should I go. Decisions that I didn't even need to spend time thinking about it before. I am so dependent on people, i fear being alone, even though i've always been by myself and (kinda) okay with it in Vancouver. it's almost if, i've lost the ability to do anything myself. 

I used the excuse of exhaustion to want to stay at home today, and not go to another city for church. I had glorious plans, to be totally alone, wasn't gonna call anyone else, to go exploring myself, to stand firm on my own two feet. I didn't sleep too too well last night, and I was already awake at 7am, so I desperately tried to stay in bed to will myself back to sleep. Didn't happen. 

Finally rolled out of bed and decided to make myself a nice hot tea latte, one that i've made before and enjoyed. Then discovered that our water dispenser was empty and we needed a change of the huge water bottle thingy. i've done it with help before and i believed that i was strong enough and I also really need the water. so i decided to do it. badd idea. 

Everything went smoothly till it was time to place it firmly in the dispenser. for some reason the bottle got stuck, refused to move and so water couldn't flow out. then i lost my grip (cos its also kinda heavy), it fell out and straight to the ground. so i tried again, managed to break open the cap at the bottom of the bottle, but it got stuck again, didn't sit properly on the water dispenser.. and to my horror I discovered that there was ANOTHER hole at TOP of the water bottle which probably resulted from me dropping it on the floor. Water was dripping all over the place, and it was a mad rush to place all the clean drinking water into bowls/pans/etc before it flowed out from either of the holes on both sides. I was totally alone, roommate had left to go to church. Half an hour, soaking wet pants, cold feet and water all over the floor later, this is what it looked like:

and all these happened before NINE o'clock in the morning.

and while i was trying my best to pour water out into the bowls before they went all over the floor, i had this thought in my head, "and that is why you shouldn't be alone."

i've already lost or am losing all my abilities to be strong, to be independent, to be alone. i can't even do such a simple thing properly.

Standing in the midst of a faceless crowd,

Can I see you there?

我的心好重 (english translation: my heart is so heavy)

Can I release the fears I’m feeling?

Can I 自由地掉眼泪 (can I freely cry?)

Or do I have to act strong?

I’m just one in a billion,

Why does it feel so wrong?

It’s so hard to 相信 (believe) I’m loved,

So hard to comprehend that you find me beautiful

Especially when I’m standing in the midst of lies

That often tell me otherwise

我好想掉眼泪 (I really want to cry)

But I don’t know what’s wrong

Maybe I need to run to You

Maybe I need to sing a song

To fix my eyes on Jesus,

To turn my gaze inward out

So those moments when I’m feeling yicky (like now..)

I know He loves me without a doubt. 

Been writing lots lately. for friends, for emotions, for myself.

despite what the poem above says, i was feeling yicky this morning..

but i'm LOTS better right now.

actually i think i have been doing really well, really enjoying my times in the morning with God..

learning so many lessons from him..

actually i feel so encouraged this week that i can't help but encourage as many people as possible hehehee (: 

i wonder why people don't pray and ask God for more of His discipline. [i also wonder why this has not occurred to me before.]

If He has promised that He will not give us more temptation then we can bear, and also, that this temptation IS common to man (meaning: we are never isolated or alone when we go through temptation) AND that he will also provide a way out so that we can endure it... (1 cor 10:13) why do we not ask for more testing of our faith?

Besides, His discipline is for our own good. That the reasons why we go through discipline is because He deeply and clearly LOVES us (heb 12:6), and not only that, through His discipline, we may share in His holiness, we may reflect more and more of Jesus. And which Christian doesn't want to be more like Jesus daily? We know that God cares more about my good than I do, and He KNOWS more about my good than I do, that His discipline is a training exercise for us. (heb 12:11) If it really is for my own good, why don't I dare ask for more?

The beautiful thing is that Satan can't touch us without God's permission. Think about Job. God basically gave Satan everything that Job had (Job 1:12) BUT He had a limit on his life. Satan could do ANYTHING he wanted but take Job's life, and he (satan) had to obey it. Think about Peter, Satan asked for permission to shake his faith up (Luke 22:31 Satan demanded to have you (peter), that he might sift you like wheat), and God gave him permission for only three times (v34) and no more. And God KNEW that when Peter would turn back to the faith, he would strengthen the brothers. (v32) We know what happen later in the story, ONLY three times Jesus is denied (no more, no less) , but after that Peter comes back to the faith and starts preaching so boldly.

but do be careful when you ask for more, be ready to have Him answer your prayer. I asked one night for more, that He would discipline me for my own good (I literally took a deep breath before writing that down), and He answered me that night itself. I fell quite sick (d trained 7 times that night), and was quite the emotional wreck the next day, feeling super upset over some things that happened, not realising that a minor issue could hurt so much, and exposing the same fears and insecurities I've kept hidden for so long.

I'm still gonna say He is good. I'm still gonna say He is so faithful. Last night while worshipping, a terrible terrible lie came into my head and I spent a part of the evening fighting it and reminding myself of verses I read the day before.

Psalm 89:30-33
"If his children forsake my law and do not walk according to my rules, if they violate my statues and do not keep my commandments, then I will punish their transgressions with the rod and their iniquity with stripes, but I WILL NOT remove from him my steadfast love or be false to my faithfulness."

so when it's hard (as it will definitely be), when I feel like I'm shaken like a reed, I'll hold fast to His promises for I know that "By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42:8

I never thought a wound could go so deep
Or a simple act could bring up so much emotions
The simple act of omission
The fact that you didn't, couldn't, never performed.

So here I am, sitting in my pile of tears.
Stop being a wimp, I tell myself
I'm ashamed, horrified that I'm crying
But I can't seem to stop them from falling.

The moments I close my eyes,
the moments I'm alone
The tears start falling,
the wound cuts deep.

I have no more capacity for loving
No more strength to believe the lies of
"I'll miss you! I'll think of you!"
No more resolve for caring.

Dear Vancouver, why are you sooo beautiful?

Can't believe I got to spend 4 years of my life in one of the most beautiful cities in the world! God is too good to me.

I've realised that a lot of my choices, a lot of my decisions, even a lot of how I am right now, has been affected lots by my time in Vancouver. There are times (not a lot, but some times) that i think like a Vancouverite. There are days I wish I can just walk into a coffeeshop, having a nice steaming hot strawberry latte, have a muffin and watch the world go by. There are days I wish I can just go for a walk in the woods, and breathe in clean, fresh, mountainy air.

There are days where I wish I can just look out into the mountains and the ocean.

Or view beautiful sunsets so clearly because the air isn't polluted.

I think it's ironic how I never treasure the places when I'm there, I think my eyes get too overwhelmed that my brain can't process it. But when I take pictures and go back to view them later, I marvel (way more!) at the beauty.. and then I can't believe I didn't have the same appreciation when I was there at that time.

I took these pictures from my trusty pink camera, which is not failing me yet! (:

ahhh, too beautiful!

I was having a hard time yesterday night, just feeling a little bit emo and unhappy over some stuff that happened. People were over, which literally was what I needed, but I just couldn't deal with them and my emotions at the same time. My friends told me to stay in my room till I was better, and a friend told me to go write on my blog and emo it out. hah =P so apparently I am really emo in here =PPP BUT WHAT I REALLY NEEDED was someone to come in and talk to me one on one (which was what eventually happened) and i felt soooo much better and I don't have to emo it out on here. heeeee.

i am still very thankful for the experiences I've had and the experiences that I am going to have here! (:
i love love love! =P

Was supposed to blog this yesterday but I didn't have the time or energy to do so!

But 8 years ago, yesterday.. which is Nov 7, 2004 -- I flew to Shanghai to begin a whole new life and chapter. It also marked a deal made with God, and I knew I had to fulfill a promise.

i'm struck by the difference on my own growth. When i entered the international school in 2004, I went in arguing against Harry Potter and what JK rowling said against God. When I exited high school and was on my way to university in 2008, my faith was truly shaken by The Da Vinci Code.. as I pondered and wondered about the existence of God and did Jesus really marry?

this is one of the older pictures I found on FB! =P this is probably in 2007.

having some international day in school. around the 2007 period as well.

8 years later and hopefully I'm a little bit more mature, more wiser, and more firm in my faith in God. I was reading through Psalm 76, and was struck by this simple verse  
"Make vows to the Lord your God and fulfill them;
    let all the neighboring lands
    bring gifts to the One to be feared."

I chuckled and wondered and questioned what He has in store for me. It is interesting how this verse came yesterday, where a simple flight to Shanghai resulted in a (possibly?) lifetime deal. so who knows? maybe I'll look back on this day 8 years from now and be able to marvel at His grace and leading and guidance. For now, I'll rest satisfied in Him. 

We also had a cook off with our friends! I gave them secret ingredients and they had to whip it up in two hours! the results were VERY impressive.

secret ingredients: oranges, lemons, onions

secret ingredients: pork, beef, shrimp

some crazy pictures with some people! (: we spammed someone's ipad.

and it was totally a prank, changing the background AND successfully getting it locked for 15 minutes. hahah (:

After listening to John Piper's sermon "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" spurred me to come up with this. heeeee. i love drawing on windows. helps that i have HUGEE windows at home! =P

so maybe i am resisting, so maybe i'm just resisting His voice.
or maybe He has not even spoken yet, but i'm resisting it and deciding to go the other way.

there's about 8 months left in this, more like only 6 months left of real work.
and as i ponder my next steps, as i dream dreams and pursue visions, as my heart and my head (and maybe my connections) lead me to places,
i question myself. maybe the reason why i don't want to stay is because of fear. maybe the reason why i want to go somewhere else is because i think it'll be easier.
so maybe i want to chase after prophecies and fulfill my own. or maybe cos i want to test them.

i was reading Psalm 69, and this really stood out:
v13 But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love, answer me in your saving faithfulness.

i don't know his timing, i don't know what he's gonna make me do. but maybe i should rest assured that it is in abundance of his love that is lasting, that is forever, that never fails.

sometimes i think im a queer creature. when i dont know things, i pray and ask... God tell me tell me tell me. and when he finally tells me, and i seem to know too much information, even more than i can handle on my own.. i complain and scream and bicker and make a fuss and ask him why why why did you tell me. but maybe it was all in his acceptable time, maybe that was his answer, obviously i have to wait a lot more, to trust a lot more, to be on my knees a lot more.

what do i know of holy? nothing at all.
i'm not better because i've chosen this path. i'm not better because i'm here. i'm not more qualified, or smarter, or have more talents. being here has shown me how uncomfortably weak i am, how fearful i am, how much i depend on God. it challenges my faith, it makes me aware that i'm in a huge battle and i happen to be at the front lines, it forces to believe and trust in this God, it makes me struggle. but it also promises great joy out of obedience, it promises victory, it molds me and shapes my character to be more like Him, it leads me to the cross. 

i feel like this. so crappy.

i'm finally understanding what it means when the spirit is so willing but the flesh so weak. after a simple meal that i've eaten before at a place that we've had many meals at, i fell sick. like constantly running to the washroom and d-training kinda sick. that was thursday. thursday night and friday morning was miserable, as i lost fluids as fast as i tried to replace them. so i took friday off, and didn't go on campus.

when i woke up on saturday, everything seemed fine so i went ahead and did my usual work, went to campus and talked to a few students.

then we decided that we would be holding an intense 2 day training session this weekend that i was responsible for planning for. with the "weekly meeting coordinator" experience under my belt, i was confident i could pull it off within a week. and i confidently said to my roommie "let's see how I can pull this off", to which she gently reminded me, "only God can pull this off." which is true. i went to bed that night determined and wanting to trust and depend on God for the planning of this training session.

sleep that night was horrible. i woke up a few times feeling like i wanted to throw up, but kept it in till the morning. when i woke up in the morning, i felt the same way, not great, and not ready to fight the world. had some boiled rice for lunch, and was so tired i took a nap. started becoming colder and colder and soon realised that i was running a fever =(( that night, all i had was half a bowl of soup.

monday arrived and i woke up feeling a lot better, with about 12 hours of sleep put in. was going to go on campus but as i got dressed, felt super uncomfortable again.. so decided to take the day off again. all i had was soup the entire day. =S towards the night, i was a little bit hungry (well i haven't even had solids for a while), so someone offered to make congee for me which i gladly accepted.

wrong choice =( d-trained it all out in three separate sessions and woke up this morning VERY miserable and weak and my tummy is weird. i want to go on campus and do some work, and my brain is so alert, but the thought of getting on my bike and biking 4km to campus just drains me and makes me feel weak.

so i am sad. sad sad sad that i cannot be more productive and effective.
but i guess glad that im learning to trust and depend on God for this weekend's training to proceed and run smoothly without me.