looking ahead. always looking ahead! (: can't wait to see what the next year will bring me!


taking many steps of faith. the first leap is always the scariest. especially when you surrender all control to the law of gravity (and to God) hoping, always hoping that everything will turn out fine.


and i'm off again to Calgary again! (:


i dont really have time to reflect on this year =S its also hard, when your year is broken up into 3 different segments =P but God, thank you for everything that has happened this year. May your will continue to be done in my life as I go on to next year and for the rest of my life! (:

going on this holiday has been an extremely new experience. for once, both of us are travelling alone. and so this has been quite the frustrating experience. no pictures cos i didn't bring the camera cable.

but anyway.
when in rome, you live like the romans.
and so that's what we've done. (kinda)

we're staying in downtown, quite a distance from the all inclusive hotel zones.
this means that we have to search for our own food, walk everywhere, we're pretty far away from the beaches, go shop at the local grocery stores and etc. not to look down at the other tourists who are bringing in money for the mexicans, but seriously, how do you experience cancun when you're stuck in your hotel with your international buffet 24/7? however, honestly, we're pretty secluded here in downtown.. and don't get to meet other tourists.. sometimes (just sometimes) i wish we stayed there =P

mexico is quite the tipping culture. like into your face. in every single thing they expect a tip. play music for you, they won't go till you tip. bring a drink, they expect a tip. every place we go, there's always a box in visible sight asking you for a tip. kinda defeats the purpose of a tip i think. we normally do it because we appreciate their service. now its i'm doing it cos you're forcing me to.

yesterday we visited this place where they practiced human sacrifices to please the gods. the process is quite gruesome, involves pulling out your live beating heart and showing it to you before you die. really puts it into perspective how God treasures the human life so much so that HE sacrificed for us, not the other way round. sacrifice is needed, but is human sacrifice ever enough to satisfy the "gods"? i suppose not, because a large number of "victims" were sacrificed time after time. maybe they shouldn't be called "victims", cos its supposed to be an honour. but only Jesus did it. and after, it was finished.

and one thing i learnt about myself. actually, i kinda knew this from before (esp when i had to apply for stint), but this re-confirmed it. i can't let money go. i was so anxious about not having enough money, and not being able to do things because of the lack. this responsibility is quite scary. i was really stressed about it, and i don't feel quite ready to be an adult. i want my mom and dad to come on a holiday with me. i can't handle thinking of money, safety, responsibility all at once. =S breaking point already came once. i hope there won't be another one.

looking forward to the three Cs--





can't wait!! (:

i was extremely delighted when glee talked about the true meaning of Christmas right in the middle of their show!! =P yay Jesus!

in case I don't get to say it, Merry Christmas everyone! (:

ahh. good old exam season. an explosion of books, papers and pens happened in my room...



as a result of that, i migrated to the kitchen to study =P


no, not really! =P
tis is the day of my last exam.
and... um i stopped studying since yesterday.

i've been going to bed at 10 for the past few nights. hehhh.

just a few more hours to go!! and i'll get to do the things i really want to do... =P

it strikes me that one year ago, on this date, I'm was on the road to recovery after having my heart broken badly the night before.

the guy and i are still friends right now. he still probably doesn't know, and i dont really intend for him to know =P and i love him as a brother, no hard or hate feelings. seriously.

i look back at this year with a smile, i am thankful for all the experiences that i've gone through.. seriously its only by the grace of God that i'm still here: alive, and very very contented.

relationship-wise, i can't say i've grown wiser =S
over the year, i've had a few infatuations - coming quickly and going quickly.. and regrettably i've done some really stupid things that have caused hurt to people.

i've been promised, and i look forward to seeing that promise come true.

but right now, i am contented; i am looking forward to a new season, a new place, new friends.
its funny.. cos whenever i've reached that point when i can confidently tell God.. that if this is the life he wants me to live, i'll be okay.. the very next day, something will happen which will make me reconsider my thoughts.

i don't like doing things alone. i don't like going places alone.

and like how there was unexpected company at the tea shop today,
i know that He will provide.

Luke 12:48
Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

I'm feeling alot from this verse.
i need to breathe breathe breathe, cos i feel like i'm running out of air.

sometimes i really wonder.
the stories i tell, the examples i give..
do they reeeealllly make a difference?

iunno, i only think eternity can tell.
but will i be faithful enough to keep telling those stories, to keep giving those examples?

its scary sometimes Lord.
but you've entrusted me with so much.
so much.

does this mean i'm unconsciously stressed?

waking up multiple times during the night,
waking up in the morning not refreshed at all,
throwing up my dinner,
feeling cold cold cold all the time,
inability to focus,
having a nightmare about missing my exam. both of them.
and i couldn't find the location of the exam, or sign in to ssc to double check the location.

oh no.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Phil 4:13

i need to write this down, because i don't want to forget!

sooo.. tonight i was doing up my finances for month of nov.
and looked at despair at how much i spent over my budget.

then i looked into the finances of december..
and was even more despaired at how much i'm not working this month.. and i still wanna support people.. and i still need to tithe.. and i don't want to dip into my parents' money.. and about that trip and spending more and more and more money.

internally, i was like.. God i want to tithe and do all these things, I don't want to dip into my parents' money to support people.

and literally, TWO seconds later.. there is a knock at the door.
the landlady hands me a couple of envelopes and a book.
and one of them is a cheque!!!! which literally covers up my worries!!!

wow. thank you GOD!! (:

ps. i am dizzy now. i am sitting down and typing, but i am still dizzy =(

i am remembering walking along water park on one hot saturday afternoon singing the rainbow song at the top of our voices amidst stares.

i am remembering praying at the top of the TV tower and looking down into the city, tracing and retracing with my eye the path surrounding the lake, and remembering the promise I made to God 7 years ago.

i am remembering the day we found a sheet of paper stuck on our window, the words were in English.. and it was a few songs praising the name of Jesus. how we panicked. and rejoiced. and were encouraged.

i am remembering walking around the school late at night, looking up into each individual window, each individual room... and asking God, how? why? what do you want me to do?
curious about each person that lives there, broken by the realisation that I will never know that person well, and that person might not even get the chance to know Him well.

i am remembering paddling around the lake, reading the Bible and doing follow up.

i am remembering walking into the classroom building late at night, scared, but rejoicing that we found an empty room, and walking out a few hours later into the silence, but rejoicing that we have another sister in Christ!

i am remembering walking out of this campus, and being approached by this lady to ask if I already had a "room".

i am remembering the confusion, the frustration i had: how do you walk into a trip like this, and walk out - not impacted, not responding, not doing anything? i knew i was called to respond in a way, but i was too scared, too hesitant to.

memories. of a country that is not my own. of a people who is so different from me.
but they're real people. they're real stories.
is this investment worth it? definitely. just to see God touch and change their lives in ways i will never and can never expect.
and i'll do anything to see it again.

i have officially finished my last assignment for this semester!! yay! (:

and... a continuation of my super encouraging week!!

6) So I teach a 15 year old and a 5 year old. I have been having conversations about God with the 15 year old, and it has been frustrating! A few weeks ago, I told God I don't want to try anymore.. it's too hard. so for a couple weeks we haven't gone near that subject. On Wednesday, when I was teaching the 5 year old - her mom gave us two books to read. I noted (WITH GREAT INTEREST) that one of the book was about "Noah's ark".

They're non-christians btw, soo felt like God was encouraging me to try again! So we're reading a book about "light" with the 5 year old.. and suddenly she goes.. "Jesus comes from the light!" immediately, i was like.. "what?" She repeated it again.. then she said "Jesus lives in my heart".. and something about Christmas.. and i asked her who told her all these.. she told me it was her singing teacher. Later I asked her if she believed in Jesus, and she said no. =(

but WOAH. God is literally showing me that I'm not the only one building into this family, that He has indeed surrounded the family with Christians who are not ashamed to share about their faith. Thank you Jesus.. for giving me that glimpse...it's hard, when you think you're not making progress.. and that you're alonee!

7) Spending time with friends, and chilling and eating and eating and eating.. Thanking God for the community and this family hereeee!!! (: and people who keep me on track and ask me for my support letters even before I got into STINT! =P


8) Birthday celebrations!! Thanking God for giving us life, for giving us breath, for giving us another day to live! Birthday celebrations are a great way to reflect over the past year, and to look ahead expectantly to the new year.. and watch God provide in multiple multiple ways!


9) CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE. i've had an influx of chocolate (and endorphins) into my system lately.. two chocolate cakes.. and fondue in two days!! But still thanking Jesus for His providence.


10) Words of affirmation.. is my major love language... and so receiving this card from the ST has been sooo encouraging and affirming!! (: and that is why i LOVEEE reading the umbrella of words i received from EA. every time i feel depressed, i'll open it up, and i feeel sooooo much better. Thank you Jesus!!!


11) Spending >4 hours just talking, laughing, sharing, confessing our deepest fears, hurts, worries, struggles with friends. even though i was half asleep for most of it, it was sooo good to talk and love and share.. really reminiscent of 2nd year (where some of us stayed up till wee hours of the morning every single week just talking about God and the Bible).. soooo goooood.
thank you JESUS that you've given me people to love, and care, and share..

and thank you Jesus for such an aweesome and encouraging week! (:

have a great weekend everyone!

It has been a very encouraging week thus far.
yes i realise that it is only Tuesday, but thank you Jesus for everything that has happened!

1) I got BSF notes on Isaiah the Book from Isaiah the friend, via express delivery Caleb =P
It was a last minute request, and honestly, I didn't expect it to be in my hands soo quick.. it has been INCREDIBLY helpful, incredibly eye opening.. and has made me very very excited to do my QTs every morning. thank you Jesus and Leona for that idea! =P

2) Myra's Baptism on Sunday

Something within me always told me that I'm not a good enough leader, that I don't do enough. I don't pray for my girls enough, I don't love them enough, I haven't made much impact in the lives of people, I can't really name people whose lives have been transformed by me (well except for those two girls who accepted Christ in EA).. but then.. hearing Myra's testimony on Sunday really made me rethink my thoughts. It made me start thinking of how many people might have been influenced by me without me even realising.. and how that impact is eternal!! It helped me realise that the things I have been telling myself are lies.. which is quite freeing in the sense that I don't have to push myself soo hard.

3) Colourful dinners with friends. I love these peppers, they're soo cute! (:


4) Notes to my DG girls (:

One of the girls said that she had initially wrote a letter to God a week ago, and asked him to write back.. and He wrote back via my letter, so she was reallly encouraged/refreshed!!
this really encouraged me too because it shows that i am still in tuned with God despite not "hearing" from him for a loong time now.. thank you Jesus!!!!! (:

5) I got back the results of my midterm (for one of my linguistic classes) today.
the class average was 10 out of 30. when i heard that, i was a tiny bit worried.
but God is sooo gracious and i passed the midterm!! thank you Jesus!!! (:
i just hope now that i won't slack but will continue to work and study hard!!!

but thank youu God for an incredibly encouraging week, it's been bleak lately =P

it's been hard to write.
mainly because its been hard to sense God recently.

my weeks have been filled with meeting people, having dinners/ lunches, lots of babysitting, sunday school.

qts have been dry, haven't been getting much.. hard especially when i don't understand what i'm reading.

Isaiah (the Book i mean), is reallly hard to chew and comprehend and swallow.

i feel like i've been distracted with youtube, and everything else.
even the next week doesnt feel like the last week.

it kinda feels surreal that i have to sit down and begin the process of studying for my exams.

i can't even continue... i dont even know what to say anymoreee.

um. im excited about ea?
in the process of getting there. =P

amused. and honoured.

this is why.

This is my #1000 post! WOW. this blog has accompanied me through good times and bad times, through my growth, through the transition from a high school student in Shanghai to a university student (almost graduate!) in Vancouver.

and i wanna delegate this post to my dearest daddy.
to the man who has seen me grow the last 21 years, who have spent many a time scolding, encouraging, teaching, rebuking, loving, supporting me. the man who allowed me to spread my wings and "fly" far away from him, teaching me independence and the gift of hospitality!

after a week of not talking to him (i was busy..), he told me today that he had a very funny dream last night.
in his exact words (with some paraphrase): "I dreamt of you last night, i dreamt that you came back to Singapore. There was something about a mistake and you came back home. Then I woke up."

to which i laughed and told him that he could tell me straight up if he missed me.

um, we don't talk about our feelings now, do we? (me included) i wonder where i learnt that from =P like father, like daughter!

to daddy dearest! (:


(in case you're reading this) i love you too, mommy.

Yesterday was a goood day. spent the whole day by myself - no distractions, no noises, nobody to please, nobody to entertain. just myself!

well actually i spent the whole day listening to a total of 5 Mark Driscoll sermons. on Songs of Solomon. i guess it was too addicting, i couldn't stop =P

i've come to realise that we single people are actually reeeallly selfish =S see my post below? everything that moms can't do is "thinking about myself, pleasing myself, JUST caring about myself."

even our "list of qualities" for our future spouses is selfish.
i want him to be financially stable, so that he can serve ME. i want him to be wise, so he can guide and lead ME. i want him to be mission minded so that he can join ME in my ministry.

how come its never, "i hope he has a heart for ministry so that i can join HIM in his ministry?"
food for thought, its interesting to see how selfish we can all be, yet never ever realise it.

speaking of food, here's a picture of my.... dinner

some tea, some bagels, some muffins, some yogourt (which you can't see).. made my dinner yesterday.

and i was a happy person! (:

I am.. rethinking motherhood.

as much as the notion still sounds glamorous in my head, how noble the position is, how cute the babies are, i am.. still rethinking it. at this point i mean.

i still love babies, i still love caring for them. but spending (a little too much) time (for a university student) with kids under two has made me realise that motherhood isn't always fun and games and "a good life" as I used to think of it.


no mam. it is hard work. you are restricted on so many levels; their feeding times, their nap times.. cant even go out if you don't have anyone watching over them.

i've come up with a list of "can't dos" when you're a mother.

1) Study in peace. Actually, don't even think about studying when your 7 month old baby might be chewing on your homework.

2) Go for random getaways. Well firstly, who's brave enough to watch over your kids while you're gone? (Actually, my grandparents did when my parents went jetting off to Israel and Africa. But i was old enough to remember!)


3) Have random late night visits from friends.. you'll probably be wayyy tooo tired from early mornings (think 5 am) to entertain people at 10pm.


4) Have hangout sessions with a dear friend. again. see pt #2, who's gonna watch your kids??


5) Spend hours and hours in the kitchen whipping up nice delicious hot food. I think being in the kitchen calms me down, and help me think and process through my thoughts/day.. yah, you wanna get out of there asap.. esp when your 1 year old baby is clinging to you as you move hot pots around the stovee.


6) Have lots of time to yourself.. to pray, to have QT, to sleeeep (crazy amounts of hours)..

7) Care for yourself! i mean. you can't ONLY care for yourself. you gotta think of dinner, laundry, kids, husband... tooo many people's (both old and young) needs and wants depend solely on you.

i don't even want to think of a working mom.

oh man, i REALLY REALLY REALLY really treasure being single and free and alone right now. so many things i can do NOW that i probably will never get the chance to do later. =S
like randomly spend one year in EA. hahaha

anyway, here are some of the good things that happened last week!

1) going last minute shopping for badly needed jeans! i have officially increased my jean collection by 200% hahaha


2) beautiful trees, beautiful "days", beautiful weather


3) hangin out with friends - bowling and having lots of fun


4) a fully stocked fridge. i can't tell you how happy i feel when i open the fridge (:


5) and a gift from a friend! Thanks Samantha! (:

The verse on the ring is actually from Romans 1:16 "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile." A VERY GOOD REMINDER.

however, whenever i see the ring, i think of this verse
Ecc 4:12
"Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

have an awesome weekend everyone!! (:

i think i'm going crazyyyy.

i didnt realise how big an impact ONE HOUR could have on me..
i've been sleeping at 10 and waking at 7 since daylight savings started...

and today, i felt sleepy at 8!!!!
ohhh dearrr, what's happening??!!!

lagged without the jet!! =P

If loving God with all our heart means a heart that breaks for the things that break the heart of God, then loving God with all our soul means a soul full of wonder, a soul flooded with the glory of God, a soul awed by beauty and mystery, a soul that hallows God above all else.
-Mark Batterson in Primal: a quest for the lost soul of Christianity

simply love this book, re-reading it (; highly recommended for all of us who have trouble following the Great Commandment!!!

it's been less than 24 hours since i got the email that my stint application was accepted yet i feel like my emotions has been on a rollercoaster ride. okay its not that bad, but still.

have had a lot to think about. different options to consider.
am i choosing not to do this because of the financial stuff?
its this money issue again eh?

then what about that status of a student?
how am i able to enjoy my toil O God (Ecc 3:13)?
i don't want to get out of school to go into another school in another country.

and also, the real impact of this thing.. has not even sunk in deep yet.
i havent wrapped my head around the fact that i'm gonna have to raise that huge amount of money, gonna leave, gonna spend one year with strangers who might have expectations of me..

actually, why do they have to do psychologists tests before putting people together in the team? they should just put us together and we'll find out more about each other as we hang out and work together.

sigh. i dont know. i'm tired now.

this is another good song.


enjoy, have a good weekend!

stumbled across this song on a friend's FB page. wonderful!



Lyrics:
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace.
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, prosperity.
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering.

All the while, You hear each spoken need.
Your love is too way too much to give us lesser things.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this night, are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear.
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love.
As if every promise from Your word is not enough.

All, the while, You hear each desperate plea.
And long that we'd have faith to believe.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this night, are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win;
We know that pain reminds this heart, that this is not, this is not our home.
It's not our home.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life;
Is a revealing of greater thirst that a world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights;
Are Your mercies in disguise?

what i've been doing recently...



logging hours at the piano! (:

the song's about praying to God to ask for compassion for His people - basically, to break my heart for what breaks His. To help me see what He sees.

i think we've played that song at least 10 times over the past week. and yea, i think God is answering that prayer in various ways.

Yesterday I was at church and my sister told me about her roommate who got drunk and wasted; I think my heart literally broke for her - why is she spending her time/ getting her desires filled on things that will not satisfy her? don't you see? alcohol increases the negative effects ( i learnt this in psychology).. so why do people still drink?

and then i remembered what I saw on the newspaper earlier. last year when I was volunteering, one of my patients was listening to demon music/cursing God (i can't remember if i have blogged about this before or not).. but anyway, i saw in the newspaper that the band was in vancouver last night. playing at rogers arena. and man, tears just flowed for the people going, the band, the lies that they are singing. and ironically enough, the sermon was about.. God loving the people of Vancouver - and so we have to care for them too.

but ya, i was amazed myself at how i felt about this - but God is really soo good, He grants you things you ask for.. as long as its according to His will.. and i'm pretty sure having compassion on the people is according to His Will.

alrighty, have a good week everyone! (:

Today I was reading something that literally broke my heart.

I was reading in Revelation, where it talks about a few woes that will happen to people who did not believe in God, especially those who did not have the seal of God - they were killed, tormented, wounded.. and yet..

Rev 9:20-21
"The rest of mankind, who were not killed by these plagues, DID NOT repent of the works of their hands nor give up worshiping demons and idols of gold and silver and bronze and stone and wood, which cannot see or hear or walk, not did they repent of their murders or their sorceries or their sexual immorality or their thefts.

why?? why do you see so much and yet do not believe? what exactly will it take you to believe in God? don't you realise that believing and repenting from your sins will save you from all the pain and suffering (in the end days)?? if people can see this - crazy looking creatures who attack only people who DO NOT know God- and yet still not believe in Him, WHAT else will cause them to believe in Him???

oh God, why do you blind the eyes of some?? and yet, let the others see??

prayer at DG was good today. well, at least it was good for me.

i personally don't have a calling for campus, i literally am unmoved for people who don't know Him on campus. and yes, i have repented and told Him that i don't care. i just don't.
but today, as we prayed, and as we asked for the campus, i could sense God moving in my heart for the people - the sense of urgency, the sense of need, the renewal of opened eyes to desperate cries. i think its when we pray, we get attuned to His heart, and His Will. and it was really encouraging for me =P

and i love the colours of fall, thank you GOD for such beautiful weather this past month!! (:


please open my eyes, and help me really seeee your creation O God (:

today i was watching glee (okay i was kinda bored) and one of the scenes really got me thinking.. Its the scene where mike (the asian kid) skips his chem tutoring session to practice dancing and his mom finds out. He then tells his mom that he doesnt want to be a doctor or lawyer, and that his passion is actually dancing. His mom starts crying and tells him that her job is to encourage him to do whatever he's passionate about- not chase after his dad's or her own dreams (i know right, such an untypical asian response).

Anyway, it really got me thinking. How many times do we (or rather, I) view God as a typical asian parent - forcing us to ditch our own dreams and do "His Will"? When does He actually force us on the road we're on? Does He even do that? He probably gives us God visions and dreams.. And they're prob very contrary to what the world tells us..so often, it is up to US - if we're daring enough - to chase after those dreams, let go of what this world offers, and really chase this God given vision within us. Its like Him asking me if I would sell my soul for security - no I'm not giving up my hopes and dreams, in fact I'm loosening my grasp on this world SO THAT i can really chase the dreams that He's given me.

God's not sitting in front of the tv - watching how we make decisions in the movie of our lives. He's not waiting in anticipation to find out what we'll choose in all the decisions we have to make. Rather, God doesn't need to be watching the tv at all. He's directing the show!! He already knows what's gonna happen. The thing is, are we all willing to ask Him for our next steps? How He wants us to "act"?? Or are we gonna make a mess of everything by our own human strength?

some things that i've been thinking about these days.



"Heart's empty
lies keep ringing in my head..
of unworthiness, of sin, of shame
I can't meet the King of Glory.

Desperate, I cry.
"Abba, Father! Where are you?
Why am I feeling this way?
Why can't I hear you?"

I can't walk this road alone.
This life is not mine to own.
Speak the truth to me.
Help me clearly see.

Your beauty and Your grace.
The day You made ME Your case.
Your precious child I came to be,
Dear God, help me fix my eyes on Thee."

THIS has been what i've been up to for the past day.

its finally done - oh and those stuff that i promised i'll share?? it's all in there (:
just go read.

to God be the glory! (:

i've studied hard todayyyy.. and finished what i needed to finish!
yay! (:

now, its time to kick back, put on some music, drink some hot tea.. and work on some things i've wanted to work on for a while now =P

and those posts/ sharings, YES they will come.
eventually!

have a good Sunday everyone! (:

EDIT:

two guys who have unknowingly driven me to seek God more, to fall on my knees, and trust that He will carry me through my irrational fears.



they both signed into skype at the same time =P, i'm sooo thankful for both of them! (:

i haveeee so much to share. so much so much.
but i just dont have the timeee, dont have the time to type out all my thoughts and journal entries..

i should just video myself, i think its faster hahahaa.

anyway,
let me leave you with a song that i really like (this week) =P yes this is a love song.

i think its interesting how God is slowly stripping away everything I hope in - everything I placed my trust in - everything I care about.. everything but Him.

i look at it, and i'm so thankful to have Him take it away one at a time.
He knows what i can handle, thankfully He didn't hit me over the head with a whole bunch of them.

At first it was the fear of financial security. and when that was done and dealt with,
now its the possibility of going alone - without a team, or anyone i can possibly go with..

i want to talk more about it, but i dont have the time now =P but i will - definitely - in another entry!

and what does abiding in Jesus actually mean?? why has it come up so much in the past few days.. thru scripture, thru prayer requests, thru friends????

i feel like david when he was facing goliath.
But i gotta say, unlike david, i canlt say for sure that i have as much faith and trust in my Lord God Almighty.
Grant me faith, God, for i am too faithless and too scared.

oh my goodness, i am totally getting food coma..



but still, thanking God for 3 dinners, 1 lunch, friends and lots of fellowship (:
good times!

if you knew what was coming ahead of you, in exact detail, would you still go do it? would you go down that path and face whatever that was going to come? for example, if you knew that going that this road would result in you having a car accident, with an oncoming car hitting you at exactly x min x seconds, making you go in a 180 turn and air bags coming out.. would you still go down that road?

i know a few guys, who in marriage proposals, already knew that she was going to say yes.. yet was so nervous or afraid to ask.. or perhaps even delayed the process for as long as possible.

maybe you'd say: oh yeah, if i knew that this favourable thing was going to happen, of course i'll definitely go ahead and do it.

i think so often we don't know what's ahead of us till we find ourselves caught up in the situation, no turning back.. the only solution: to move forward and face it. thank God i don't know what's ahead of me.. even the uncertainty of what's gonna happen already makes me hesitate in my steps, if i knew it in exact detail, i'll probably be the first to run in the opposite direction.

then i'd think of Jesus. how He already knew in exact detail what was going to happen that day. how He would be captured away by night, how He would be given unfair trials, hearing false testimonies, the exact number of whips He would get, how each stroke would just tear apart His body, how He would hear the crowd yell "crucify Him!", how He would know each and every thought of every person present, how heavy the cross would be.. and how He faced death, Him - the CREATOR of death - and bowed to it. He knew the humiliation, understood the mockery, felt the pain of being forsaken by His loved one.. and yet, and yet..

He went ahead and did it.

All for me.

me. a sinful me. a fearful me. a me who probably also would have turned my back against Him. me who would have mocked Him. a me who doubted His existence. a me who is so unworthy to be saved and to have all this done for.

Jesus knew what was coming, yet He didn't shrink away, He went ahead and did it.
All for me. and you too.

He stretched His arms out wide to become our Saviour that day. tearing open the curtain, allowing us to get a glimpse of Him, allowing us to be grafted into the family, to be able to call Him "daddy".

and with that knowledge, faced with this truth,
HOW can I just smile and walk away?

i owe this guy my life!

truly an answered prayer:



thank you Jesus.

i pray that this will draw me closer and closer to You, not serve to distract me from You.

right now, i feel like this.



angry. frustrated. annoyed.

and most importantly, no reason why.
i'm having such a good two weeks, there is no reason why i should feel like that.
nothing happened today that triggered it too.

but i am not happy and that's the truth.

i need 1) a musical instrument (like a piano/guitar) so i can worship
2) or i should just watch something (a movie) to make me forget all this.

pft. there goes my night. i'm too restless to do anything right now. =S
argh.

i love reading, not textbooks that is..
so i've had my nose buried into a book for the past week. it has been challenging, convicting, and maybe encouraging.

one thing that has been really challenging me is to constantly fix my eyes on the Giver, the Director and Author of my life. so often, i'm so caught up with His gifts, His direction, His story that I neglect to give Him my attention.

like for example, this week - when I finally decided that I was called to stint (which might be on another entry post- i've journaled, talked so much about it that i dont really want to repeat it again..) i noticed that the moment i realised and was sure of His calling, somehow, i stopped pursuing Him as hard. In a way, i was caught up with the direction He gave me that i forgot about Him. its like a little girl, when her dad points her in a direction, rushes towards it.. and forgets to hold his hand AND walk down the path together.

There's nothing wrong with seeking His direction, after all, Guidance is first of all a relationship with the Guide. The first goal of guidance is to lead us into a closer relationship with Jesus.

and i agree with the author when he stated: "we have to be especially watchful when He is leading us towards tools, (such as STINT or speech therapy - in my case). There is nothing wrong with tools. But it's a sad day if the tools ever supersede the Lord Himself."

ya, which led me to think about my main calling in life, my sole purpose to doing all these. What is God calling me to do? What has He created me to become? because the tools that we are given, the way we are made.. will only direct us, or help us achieve the individual callings He has placed in each of us. In which, if, without a calling, will only cause us to wander around in circles, never achieving anything.

and then i came to the realisation that i dont know ~ i dont know my calling, i dont know my mission in life.. and so, i think i need to seek, to ask the Giver and to fall deeper in love and in greater intimacy with my Creator.

so as i slowly find out, as i figure my way out.. this space will be updated constantly - stay tuned for the crazy things He's gonna do in my life...

snacks, anyone?

i sliced my finger open yesterday while cutting up the onion. the knife slipped on the onion skin, and landed right on my finger instead of the onion =S i've been through 4-5 plasters already, and the wound started bleeding again when i ripped open the plaster this morning to replace it with a fresh one.

and i realised that there's a lot of things i can't do properly with an injured finger! it certainly makes me thankful for every body part that i have =P

anyway, speaking of perspectives.. it has been an interesting few days for me... especially in regards to speech therapy. was in church yesterday, and suddenly felt quite compelled to want to do speech therapy, and go into grad school.. and then the Pastor was talking about this lady.. who was a medical doctor, who would close up her practice 2-3 mths/year to fly to Peru (ON HER OWN EXPENSE) to work with people there.. and i told God that I wanted to be like her.. to have my own speech therapy practice and fly to China to do work!

yah, so suddenly im really interested in grad school, tho it involves a lot of considerations.. like who's gonna pay for it? and where? and how? woke up this morning and started thinking of all these considerations =S

you know, if i could plan my life.. i'd get in to grad school at UBC. stay here for the next 2 years, finish up.. still stay involved with C4C (maybe...) and perhaps stint after two years?? iunno.. we'll see...

like what Evelyn always says.. "I'll just never know!"

i feel like i'm pouring pouring pouring so much out,
yet i have been receiving soo little; akin to almost just a trickle.

i'm too tired. too exhausted.

feeling lost on this campus.
not excited going to meetings anymore.
i seem to be searching for something, some people. .but not finding it, never finding it.
and come away, disappointed.

familiarity has become an uncharted territory.
and i stand on unknown ground.

i suddenly feel REALLY overwhelmed now =S

super busy day tomorrow..
no classes but..
i'll be meeting with one of my dg girls for lunch.. then summit planning with Emily.. then job #1.. then job #2!! i'll be on campus all the way from 11 to 8! =P

but in other notes, God is soo good.. and He does provide.. in ways i never expected =P
like job #1.. wow. crazyy.

also another busy day thurs..
classes (and optional ones) all day.. till 5pm.. then theres REV.. then theres an assignment i gotta do in school - which includes a movie screening at 7pm..
=S in school from prob 9.30am all the way till 10pm.. not fun =S

hahah. yes maybe i'm complaining =P but i'm also happy that my days are filling up! (:

two things i always feel like doing when i'm super tired (like now..)

1) mope.
2) cry.

and always, that feeling that i dont know what i'm doing with my life.. and why i'm doing things the way i'm doing.. and also, that i just want to give it up. give everything up.

urg. i'm just glad i dont make decisions when i'm tired.

i think i should go to sleep.

thought of the moment:

if cooking is the only way to remain warm at home, then u betcha i'm gonna spend a lot of time in the kitchen during the winter! (;

isnt it weird that when we're in love with a person, all we see are the person's good points? How he's so good looking, so generous, so hospitable, so kind, so loving, such a leader, such a godly man etc that we seem to miss and lose out on his other characteristics that might make him less than favourable?

we cant seem to stop talking about him, or to him for that matter (that's how my friends know who my current likings are =.=)

but i think its surprising how unoften we (or maybe, I) talk about God. i mean, shouldnt He be MY first love? shouldn't He be THE ONE that i just can't stop talking to, or about? the funny interesting fact is that, He's got SO MUCH to love about, i can stare and contemplate and be cynical, but i dont think i'd be able to see His unfavourable characteristics.

and besides that, what about me? um, definitely not perfect. definitely not wonderful, definitely LOTS of unfavourable characteristics, definitely a lot of hurt, of anger, of pride. yet He saw my good parts, and loved me to the end. He couldn't stop pursuing ME, couldn't stop loving me, couldn't stop serving me.

wow God.

man. this pride issue seriously stinks.

was at rev today for the first time not leading anything..
and woah that hurt. i actually had to sit down and was convicted about how much i love to be in the centre of the attention.

but i will learn to love my dg girls. after all, God gave so many of them to me for a reason. (;

Proverbs 2:3-6
yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding. If you see it like silver an dsearch for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand th efear of th eLord an dfind knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

my doer tendencies within me is making it very hard for me to be still and silent.
i cant sit for 5 minutes with having thoughts pop into my head about things to do, as well as unpack.

i'm exhausted, i dont know what i'm doing this year, and yes, i am spiritually dry.

Leona made me go to the prayer corner at our house and sit there and pray for 20 minutes.
i couldn't even last 5, but I flipped the prayer verses chart to today's date and saw this verse above.

so i questioned. i wondered. i tried to be silent. and stay awake.

i still dont know what i'm doing.
there's still a million other things on my to-do list.
there's so much to consider, so much to think about...

but He told me to seek.
so hopefully, i'll do that as i begin to settle in.

please pray for me.

this is such a beautiful song! enjoy!

the last night in my sunny island: a night of packing and finishing things up.

when i arrive in Vancouver, it'd be a whole new environment, a whole new set of rules, a whole new challenge.

here's to hoping that I come into a running start, not a crash and breakdown.

i've been incredibly blessed to have spent loads of time with the people i grew up with over this past weekend.

who knows when i'll see them next? who knows where life will take me after this chapter?

only time will.

till then; be blessed, my friends.

there has been a lack of posts recently, because it has been difficult to know what to say.

sometimes it feels like when i'm on my knees that it's easier to think.

when i'm up and running, its so easy to be so focused on doing things that i refuse to be quiet and still.

but why, why do i always have to wait till situations force me to my knees before i stop?

this summer has been one of the best summers i can remember. a summer of achievement, of a heart not growing so cold that the fire can't revive it anymore. sure, my spiritual life has suffered a little, but it has not been in cold, immovable states like summer past.

this summer ive been forced to think, forced to reflect, forced to be nicer, forced to be more encouraging. placed in situations where i've got to lead in a different way, learnt to be more patient, to see people as who they are and not projects that i can tick off my list.

and if this summer is preparing me for the year ahead, then i can't wait to see what will happen in the next 8-10 months ahead of me. another year of studying, of achieving, of succeeding, of leading, of ministry.. of graduation.. and moving on. then what? only time will live to tell what happens next.. how i will be so stretched i didnt think it possible anymore, potential problems, super packed schedules, of lessons, of challenges.. of a new season ahead of me.

leaving is bittersweet. it has always been. the first time i bawled. the next few times, i had to turn away quickly and leave. it's bitter because it's another year away from the parents, away from where "home" is, away from comfort, me and myself against this world.. sweet because of all the lessons i'll learn, how i'd be independent, how i will learn to stand again even if i fall multiple times, how situations will force me to run to God because there will simply be no one else.

the thought of school is stressful, at this point. but i will run so hard, there would be no time to look back, no time for regrets.

Yesterday we saw off the sister at the airport.

and suddenly all the stresses, and memories of stresses came rushing back to me.

flying back to Vancouver is a stressful thing. its a time when i have to deal with things on my own, where the full weight of responsibility lies on me. its a time when i cannot have my mommy's hand to hold anymore or hear my dad's reassuring voice and advice.

leaving Singapore is like leaving my comfort zone, leaving a place where I am most protected and loved, and flying off to the land where I have to fend for myself. Sure, I get used to the amount of responsibility in Vancouver as time passes, but it is always really hard during the transition periods.

But I'm not sure if i can deal with this my whole life. I don't know how to explain it, but its like going travelling to a foreign country when you're the oldest in the group.. the weight of responsibility is stifling, I know i wont be able to enjoy myself and let loose.. simply because I have to watch out for the safety and people involved. Yet, when my parents comes along with us - I dont feel the same burden, or stress.. i can let loose and enjoy, even though i know i am as capable as them, or i can make the same decisions as them.

this verse stood out to me today. 1 chronicles 28:20 "be strong and courageous and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged by the size of the task, for the Lord God is with you. He will see to it that all the work is finished correctly." it comforted me a little and brought the assurance that i am not alone.

anyway, today's the first day as a "single kid status". believe it or not, but i haven't been alone without a peer for a LONGG time. i don't know if i enjoy it yet, but i know that this morning i literally jumped out of bed because i thought i heard someone's breathing in the same room (janice and i share a room, but she's gone).. mmhm looks like i might not enjoy being alone after all =P

if i had to pick one particular lesson that stands out during this entire summer:

it would be on serving.

during EA, we as a team were challenged to make a difference within the school community. if one day, we (as a c4c group or whatever) was taken out of the university grounds, would people notice that we were gone? were WE doing anything that would make them notice? this translated to simple things like.. buying a drink for the people who clean up after you, or do bike washes.. or going to the student dorms and taking out the trash for all the students! doing things that people would never do, or thought we were crazy enough to do!

personally, i was challenged to lead the way Jesus led.. and what He did was.. by serving! Like in Mark 10:42-45: whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all.. it seemed to work for a few weeks for me, at first i was happily serving.. and then, after a while, i just slipped back into my old normal self.. where self is always placed ahead of other people. where my eyes were closed to the needs of other people. where its always me me me first.

honestly, i suck so bad at serving. i grumble all the time. acts of service is not one of my love languages (i just did the test, it was rank the lowest) i can force myself to serve, i dont seem to do it happily. i'll pull a long face when you ask me to do something.. i'll still do it, but that's after i show you my facial expression. its just not natural to serve. for me at least.

coming back to singapore.. during my QTs.. doing good works kept popping out during the two months. 'doing good' in fact kept popping up.. which translated to service (i guess). but how? how do i change my attitude? how do i really open my eyes and see the need and do it? how do i be transformed mentally to serve?

i need to be kept on my toes. i need to realise that this isnt about me or my ability. but this is about how much we all rely and depend on our heavenly daddy.. and to be able to see through his eyes.. and see the need in our circles. in our churches. in our surroundings. so please help me. when you see me blinded. when you see me so full of myself and shut off from the world. give me a poke and remind me of this word, service! (:

i am so amazed at what God has done. really. i just wait in anticipation over the things He will continue to do.

okay this goes back to two weeks ago, so you probably gotta bear with me in this story telling.

so, two weeks ago.. i attended the C4C meeting at one of the local universities. when i was there, i was told that there were two other students from another university attending that meeting.. and they were going to have their very first c4c meeting the next week (which was last friday).

so.. since i have nothing better to do, and why not meet new people, i decided to go. A friend was supposed to accompany me, but with a change of events.. she couldn't come, and another friend (John) went instead.

at this other campus' meeting, it all went pretty ordinary.. meeting people, talking to them.. finding out about their strategies etc.. until the last 5 minutes before i was going to leave, the speaker (of the night) causally asked me what I was going to do after graduation. so i told him i was thinking of stinting in EA.. and he gasped, and told me that I should really talk to the headquarters in Singapore regarding stinting etc since i was here. i agreed, we exchanged phone numbers.. and he promised to call the next week to arrange an appointment. this happened on friday.. literally a few days ago.

so yesterday, he texted me and asked if i was free. and i'm always free, so we arranged an appointment TODAY for me to drop by the c4c headquarters why i could ask all my questions etc. John came with me, cos he was looking into some other training that C4C offered. so anyway, we're sitting in the C4C lounge for 2 hours straight just meeting staff after staff, and me sharing my stories and them giving me their suggestions regarding if i should apply for STINT via Canada or Singapore.. the meeting itself was already a blessing, cos it clarified so much things.. and now i have contacts with the C4C office (which is awesome in itself!)

and then.... IN walks the national director (in charge of missions). He had heard of my case and he wanted to talk to me.. but he couldnt make it today, because of his numerous meetings. and from the brief 5 minutes that I had with him, he was already trying to convince me to apply from Singapore.. and then he goes, "yah i want to sit down and talk to her.. I can't make it this week, because i'm flying out tomorrow and won't be back till thursday, and i wont be in the office on friday.. so let's arrange to meet next week."

then it dawns on me. originally i was supposed to fly out this FRIDAY, but because of the postponed ticket, I CAN MAKE HIS MEETING next week. which is TOTALLY God's planning.. because He TOTALLY redeemed my last two weeks in Singapore.. (i mean, i've been back TWO plus months, and i havent been able to get contacts or stuff like that..) He walks away, and i continue asking questions to the other staff.. they all look at my helplessly and go.. you gotta ask the national director, he's the only one who can make such a call.

oh MY GOSH. amazing right. like how God was able to plan everything nicely, and (haha) make me stay back one extra week and not let me go back to YVR confused and angry about everything!

later i talked to John, and confided in him that i wouldnt have spoken to the speaker at the 2nd university if he wasnt already speaking to the speaker.. he chuckled and said, well.. honestly i was falling asleep during his session, and so he approached me at the end of the meeting! HAHAHA. oh my goodness, this is totally a thrown in comic relief from our hilarious Daddy =P

you know, i was reconsidering my options regarding stinting. but honestly, if God wants me down this route.. this route is definitely something i'll take! (:

thank you God, so much (:

won't you Lord, take a look at my hands.

everything that I have, use it for your plan.

won't you Lord, take a look at my heart.

mold it, refine it, as you set me apart.

i want to run to the altar, and catch the fire.

to stand in the gap between the living and the dead.

give me a heart of compassion, for a world without vision.

i will make a difference,

bringing hope, to our land.

i'm standing in the middle of two crossroads.

both ways seem good, but i cant see beyond a few feet in either direction.

i can only choose one, and there are voices in my head pointing me to a certain direction.

but i know that circumstances later on will point me to the other one.

i need to make up my mind, i cannot stand here forever.

yet, which one should I choose?

God, speak louder cos I can't seem to hear you.

or maybe I didn't intentionally seek your voice.

the voices in my head are drowning out your still small voice.

i'm shocked over what i can do even when i'm not led by the Spirit.

it disgusts me, how i am able to spiritualise everything. literally, everything.

please don't look towards me to be your example, don't look towards me for encouragement, for guidance, please don't see me as a "mature" person - i am by no means that!

i don't want to be the blind person leading another blind person.

i question too, i dont know everything, i am so incredibly indifferent that i am indifferent about my indifference.

God loving me seems to mean nothing, its been so ingrained in my head, it never made its way to my heart. yea i always say God is so good, but I don't know for sure (or maybe i just can't remember) when I was so sure that God loves me.

sure i can repeat all the verses, or sing all those songs, and even repeat the gospel word for word.. but do I actually believe it? Then why don't my actions reflect what I believe? I seem to be playing a role for people to watch, an act you may call it.. to fit up to the expectations that people have for me. Call me a doer? Fine, i'll "do" more things for you to see.. so that it fits to your expectation. Self fulfilling prophecy - i believe it is called.

who do i really have a heart for? what do i really want to do? which way do i really want to go?

i don't know is the most honest answer to the above three questions.

and hopefully, i'm on my way to finding out.

two songs that have been my absolute favourite over the last couple of months..



and this especially convicts me..
cos sometimes i need to zip my mouth..



learning how to be loving today.
SO DIFFICULT! =(

1 thess 3:12 "Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all.." has been quite a challenge!!!!!

Yesterday I attended the first meeting of Campus for Christ at one of the local universities in Singapore.

I was incredibly encouraged and so extremely glad that I decided to come. ironically, i had already made the decision before i left Vancouver that i wanted to come visit - so it didnt really take much effort, cos i really wanted to do it myself.

their first meeting took in the form of stories and band performance.. they had a couple people go up and share stories about C4C and how their lives changed with C4C, the stories were mixed with songs from the band.. and also, they basically shared the mission/vision of C4C thru stories..

being at the meeting, i was once again reminded of how much dearly i missed community.. and how much I do look forward to being at the next c4c meeting in vancouver... i remember those days in Year 1 when i would jumped out of bed every Thursday mornings because there would be the weekly meeting in the evenings, and looked forward to the end of class on Thursdays so i could rush to the room and hang out with all the c4c-ers.

it was also extremely nice to sit back and not have to worry and fret over the programme.. somehow during the last few years, as i was put into leadership role as the weekly coordinator, something within me lost that joy, that excitement.. Thursdays became the day that i would have to "work". i was always anxious and worried about everything.. i couldnt just sit back, relax and meet new people (which is what i really want to do!)

i was also reminded of what God can and will do in the upcoming year at UBC, how exciting that is and will be.. and I look forward to it so much - to just be on fire again, to be crazy for Him who deserves every bit of my "craziness". this meeting ignited once again the fire within me.. and i need to keep the flames burning.

it just makes life worth living. because, who am i kidding? i love this, i love seeing God work in ministry or in people's lives, i love being a part of His plan at UBC.. but somehow, when I'm placed in a role.. I get so consumed by the role that I fail to see the bigger picture, I get so overwhelmed by this little part that I lose sight of everything else that is going on.. I forget how to rejoice over a new believer, i forget how to really be thankful, I lose that excitement that comes with radical living.. simply because I am so bogged down by details and making things run as smooth as possible.

a 9 to 5 job is going to kill my soul, i already know it.. it's gonna stick me in a routine, and slowly suffocate me.. maybe i wont realise it as first, but when i'm finally in too deep, and get again a taste of a God given vision.. hopefully it won't be too late for me to get out of the mud and keep running for Him.

first things first.



I'm gonna be shameless and promote my own "video". haha tell me what you think. PROPS to you if you watched all 4min 37seconds of it! (:

if only i spend as much time and effort on my school work.. unfortunately, i just dont =P

i just read this today, and thought it very interesting.

1 Thess 1:6-8
And you became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you received the Word in much affliction, with the joy of the Holy Spirit, so that you became an example to all the believers in Macedonia and in Achaia. FOr not only has the word of the Lord sounded forth from you in Macedonia and Achaia, but your faith in GOd has gone forth everywhere, so that we need not say anything.

I think its so interesting that news of the Thessalonians' faith spreads to the other cities simply because they believed in GOd wholeheartedly, and turned from idols to serve the living and true God (1:9).. there was no need whatsoever for Paul to talk about them.

I wonder if its because they were so excited about God they couldnt help but kept talking about Him.. and people heard about it, and were encouraged by it! i mean, it can SO apply to our lives today. If we're advocates for something, we can't help but talk and advertise about it.. what more if we're advocates for the Great King?

being examples.. that brought to mind one of my fav verses 1 Tim 4:12 Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.
hmm... very interesting.

sorry for the lack of updates recently...

i've been busy with a few projects...
here are some sneak peaks! =P







will post the finished product up when im done (:

i suddenly MISS Vancouver SO dang much.

there's so much to do there.. babies to be looked after, ministry to be done, school to be studied, friends to hang out with, food to cook with.. and of course the wonderful weather.

i really cannot wait to step onto that plane to bring me "home" for another season.

i'm too scared to be thinking of life, too scared to be thinking of ministry options or missions or tentmaking.. or just life in general.

but looking forward to seeing what He will do in my life...

sometimes i just feel like a little girl in this big big world, so inexperienced, so unsure about anything. like if i was to be in a relationship, i feel incredibly young and unsure about everything, anything. dont know anything about this dating game!

learning to trust God in every step of the way.. even when the way seems scary.....

it feels awfully good to be back.

i'm mentally and physically and spiritually exhausted.

i'll update this space again when i'm more rested.

leaving you with two songs this week!





thankful about God's healing over my dad's knee overnight!
my dad experienced pain on his knee yesterday- resulting him not being able to walk at all!
and we were supposed to leave for Hanoi today..

so we kinda agreed that Janice and I would go alone.. so as not to waste the tickets and such..

and we prayed, a lot of us prayed -
and this morning, he is way better! so he's going with us! (:

yay!

visited my aunt a few days ago.. and told her i was interested in doing missions in china.

she goes into her room, and comes out with these books..

looks like i'm gonna be good friends with Hudson Taylor over the next few weeks! (:


and another uncle gave us colourful socks!
How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, “Your God reigns.” Isaiah 52:7