first post of the new year! (both 2016 and Chinese New Year)

it has been a month of many changes!

Job hunting has been a quick process, I got offered a position within 3 weeks of searching.

Learning to count my blessings: I am thankful that I have the work permit, found a job and am able to start work!

The hours, though long without breaks, is so much shorter than Singapore's and what a huge difference that makes for me!

I am very thankful, and learning to be thankful for what I have.

Learning to see this position through God's plans for me, for us as we are settling down/preparing ourselves to leave.

It certainly settles my heart in a few ways, one more way to be connected, one more way to put down roots.

It has been a step by step process, the Lord knew I couldn't rush.

I needed time to work out my feelings, pacing myself, the transitions.

It's in His perfect timing I've gotten this job and position.

Thank you Lord.

Have been going through Revelations recently, with BSF.

And today as I was reading and doing the homework for the day, once again, read something that blew my mind and its too cool not to share.

Was reading Rev 6:12-17, where Jesus opens one of the seals and there is a great earthquake, black sun, blood moon, stars falling on earth, sky vanishing, every mountain removed.. and kings and everyone rushes to the mountains/caves to seek refuge. Really terrifying things to behold.

The questions pointed us to numerous places in scripture showing other proof of these natural phenomena happening when the day of wrath of the Lamb happens. And one consistent thing is that the mountains will tremble, quake, split and move. Can you imagine mountains moving? Can you ever imagine how scary that would be?

One of the questions then asked "Where do those people in Rev 6:15-16 take refuge? What refuge did they continue to refuse to take?" Actually even when I was reading the passage, I was thinking why are the people so dumb to hide in the mountains. I mean, even stones and rocks will cry out to God! But it never occurred to me whose refuge they continue to refuse to take.

The next question directed me to Psalm 46, which I have NEVER BEFORE (before today) linked it to Revelations. It reads: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear through the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling."

God gave us the answers to comfort literally many thousand years before these things are beginning to happen! What kind of God do we serve? A one who is abundantly loving, so faithful. It amazes me to see how things in the Bible are strung together and a whole picture is slowly forming. (i hear and learn things from the husband too, when he learns something from his studies!)

What an amazing God we serve.

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As we do countdown to the Christmas season, and the weeks leading up to Christmas get busier and busier, the sense of loneliness and lack of good community is really starting to bite me.

It's not if I don't know people here in Toronto, but if I were to face an issue here.. I really wouldn't know (besides T) who else to share it with, and share my heart and pray with.

I am also starting to miss home (again).

trying to remind myself that God is my great comforter.

Toronto Christmas Market... among other stuffs!

New blog design! Just because the old one was there way too long and I needed a new space to pen my thoughts... now in a different season of life! 

Last week brought lots of divine appointments. Makes the world seem so small ~ people who have experienced life with me in Shanghai - when the said person mentioned something the pastor used to say at church in that time and that season (you have to be there to know..), it brought a warm feeling to my heart! How long have I searched (not really) for someone to share the same experiences with me! To think we were there in Shanghai at the same time, possibly rubbed shoulders with each other but never knowing has been incredibly amazing. My journey has not been a lonely one. People get me. They understand me. I'm not crazy. 

And how all my dad gave me was the name and church of another said individual and told me to "look for him", and how that search (once again, i did absolutely nothing) landed his email and contact right in my lap. I am excited to finally meet him in person! God works in mysterious ways, I wonder what He is doing with all these connections right here in Toronto, so far from home! 

We are almost approaching 6 months of being married, in 9 days time, we would have said "I Do" for 6 months. I have been reflecting (or thinking through) what love is, coming to realise that it isn't a feeling, it isn't an emotion. Yes, even though it seems like I love Timon more now than 6 months ago, but I don't feel any different. Love is a commitment, it is what keeps us saying sorry over and over again, it is what reminds us to show grace, it is the motivation for us to keep trying. Meeting failure is the impetus to go another route, try another method, serving and understanding. Love is a partnership, I cook and he sets up the table. It's only been 6 months, but I don't know what I would do without him, how I would ever be able to play the role of two people. It is what forces me to lay down my pride and say sorry (and try to seek reconciliation, especially when I don't want to) because I don't want to live in regret if something happens to either of us.

Anyway, we got a chance to go downtown yesterday and go to the Toronto Christmas Market, which only opened yesterday for the season! We had some nice sausages platter and mulled wine. It was cold, but lots of fun. Definitely something to keep in mind in terms of tradition in our family! 

And waited too long for the tree to be lit up! It is a REAL tree. 50+ feet tall. donated by some person. Took our obligatory Christmas Tree photo. 

Some random photo of us. I don't like selfies, but I am way too shy to ask people to help us take a photo. Especially when all around people are doing their own selfies =.=

This week one of our friends gave birth and we got a chance to see the baby when he was only 7 hours old! Super cute! and doesn't Timon look like a proud papa already? He'll have to wait quite a bit before his own though (nothing is happening!)

Countdown to even colder weather and Christmas! Looking forward (: 

To a new beginning...

though not as big as moving halfway across the world, or getting married,

to a new beginning and transition of a new routine set in place: a volunteer position 30 min away from home.

to be very honest I got past over the "i am so useless i am young and doing nothing" phase quite quickly, and was settling down at home nicely.

no i am not bored at home, perhaps if this continued on for the next 6 months i would have driven myself crazy.. but i was quite enjoying the slower routine... of mondays bible study, tuesday thursday karate, wednesday and friday just staying at home.. and the delightful weekends!

one person even described me as.. joyful.

but this opportunity has opened, quite quickly in fact (that's when I know God's fingerprints is in it).
Unlike many others that were attractive, things just happened that made me say no or turn away.

I feel good about it. and nervous to be starting something new. something more proper.

Silly me was even a bit worried about how I am going to manage feeding the husband and being out so much more and keeping the house in order. tbh it's not even that much.

small little steps.

so like how God is clearly leading me here, he will also lead me to other things.

this evening i asked the husband if he has heard me sigh recently or when was the last time he heard me sigh.

and to what i suspected: he can't remember the last time! because it has not happened for a long time!

praise God. he knew the things i needed. and allowed me to stop, sllllloooowww down and breathe. breathe slowly and deeply. not hyperventilate.

i feel better now. i am enjoying marriage. i feel more awake and alive to the HS's prodding.

praise God. praise God. praise God.

now a new dimension to this chapter.

let's go.

Photos

Recent happenings... 

Colours have come and overtaken our trees. Definitely getting a lot colder, but its weird for me not to be whipping out my thickest jacket and layer like crazy. no, definitely not yet. i'm still on my thinnest wind breaker, plus a sweater underneath. not as warm as i would like to be. but pacing myself. 

meanwhile, the man is still in his sandals. 

beautiful, but i can't help comparing to what i know of vancouver and maybe be a tiny little bit  not as awed as i would like to be. but its been a while since i've experienced fall (like THREE years wow!) and time change so i'm thankful for the change of seasons, the change of pace, the space to breathe. 

this was in warmer days, when we discovered a couch, a super comfortable one at the open balcony of our condo! He read, I passed out and awoke to multiple lady bugs crawling all around. To which I shrieked and demanded we go inside immediately! But it was a really good and breezy day to be out. 

This was nearly a month ago! When the man turned 25 and I took him to watch a horse sword fight. more for my entertainment than his. and a good dinner eating with our hands! 

meet my 92 year old grandma friend! who is lovely, and oh so inspiring! what a legacy she has! and what a sharp mind! 

the pace has definitely picked up. not that busy but my weeks are full. 

this week in particular may be one of the last few weeks before i swing full time in volunteering at 2 places. i'm excited but also a bit nervous on how to balance my time wisely. 

things are going a bit at a whirlwind. Its been a good month.  

i am thankful.

thankful that i can be a friend, a neighbour, a wife.
thankful that i have this opportunity to slowly transition and focus on myself.
thankful for friends and an increasing number of community.

two divine appointments happened this past week.

Incident A was the sewage water pipe bursting right above my neighbour's apartment. a flooded apartment. the ministry of presence and support during this "crappy" time. a night of sleeplessness. yet a formed friendship. we now have an iranian friend on our floor and that makes me so happy.

despite going to bed at 630 in the morning that day and waking up at 9, T convinced me to go for this YMCA volunteer orientation.

which brings me to Incident B.

groggy, at the volunteer orientation, i smile and begin some small talk with this lady.

turns out that she is filipino, married to a Canadian, and currently applying for her PR. She just arrived in July. (A few days after me, as I find out later.)

then she tells me she was living in China for some years (how many, i forget now) before this.

that obviously peaks my interest. so i ask where.

"Qingdao." came the answer.

My mind flashes back to the time I spent in Qingdao, at this lovely lady's house, trying to learn how to get over my depression and trying to spend time to reflect and rest and breathe. (I spent a few hours on the rooftop breathing the cleaner air before it got too cold and I had to come down.)

And I wondered if she knew this lady.

The orientation started and we listened politely and filled out our paperwork.

because she forgot to bring a pen, I shared mine with her and had to wait a bit after she had also volunteered my pen to someone else.

and i began telling her i knew someone in QD. and as we exchanged names, her face lit up and brightened because she knew that family too. (seriously, how small big is God's family?!)

we quickly exchange numbers and plan to meet up.

and during this week while i was musing over this incident, i wondered if this was the purpose of my depression. if i didn't lay in bed crying for 8 hours for no reason, i wouldn't have been sent to counselling. i wouldn't have met that lady in QD, and there wouldn't be this connection with this lady 2 1/2 years later in this foreign Canadian land.

we couldn't meet up this week because her daughter suddenly fell sick and she had to stay home to take care of her child.

and, today i find out that i'm her first friend in Toronto. i also find out that she is living with her in laws who are not very open or mobile. her husband works the night shift and sleeps all day. that means she is probably stuck at home most of the time if the kids are not in school.

i am driven to gratitude.

and also the deep deep realisation that God knows our needs even before we voice them.

in this case, im just contented to be a friend.

just on Sunday i spent a portion of the worship service crying because i missed my parents so much, and even having a simple meal would be quite an ordeal and long journey.

little did i know: what happened on that Sunday itself at a place not too far from me would be what would bring my parents to north america.

i woke up early Monday morning, fed T his breakfast and checked my phone.

only to receive a devastating news, and that my parents were flying into New York.

before i could process much, T had to be out of the door on his way to school and I was left alone talking to my parents and trying to take in as much as i could.

oh death, where is your sting?

As much as I am really excited at seeing my parents and having a meal with them, I am saddened by the loss of a dear uncle friend. Tears have come and gone. Memories of him come up, I remember his voice, his smile, the way he spoke to his wife and his kids.

I cannot believe he is gone.

I don't understand death. I don't understand how you can go from being there one week, and 6 feet underground the next. I don't understand the pain, the loss, the grief that comes with it.

Planning funerals are the worst. People have liken it to planning a wedding on steroids, an incredibly short time to get so much together, with grief being on your side. By the time you get to process your grief, the body's long gone, the friends are no longer there, but the pain still lingers.

Come Saturday, uncle would be wearing the suit he wore to my wedding. His wife convinced him to buy a new one that would fit him better. The suit would be worn twice in its existence: both joyous ocassions, just in different ways.

I have only been together with T for 4 months, but I cannot imagine if he was gone. I don't know what I would do.

With Christ, death's lasting sting is no more. But it still hurts man.