Things...

Things That Comfort Me
* Silence
* Nature
* Solitude
* God
* God's Word
* The presence of a friend who knows me
* Tears
* Reconciliation
* A good, long run
* Grieving

Things That Scare Me
* Change
* Loss
* Money
* Instability that is out of my control
* Ebola
* Evil
* Demonic demonstrations

Things That Keep Me Awake
* Worry
* My kids' future
* Money
* Headlines
* Caffeine
* Restless legs
* Hot flashes
* My schedule
* Any of the other living creatures in my house on any given day

Things I Look Forward To
* Road trips that last a few hours by myself (that might fall under solitude)
* Sleep
* Fun afternoons with my family
* Cuddling with my dog, the cat can join us if she behaves
* Completing a project that will have an impact and finishing it well
* Heaven
* Opportunities for snarky, sarcastic humor
* When one of my kids asks for a hug and says "I love you"
* A job well done
* Being right

What I Dread
* Loss
* Laundry and dishes
* My kids in a bad mood
* Me, in a bad mood
* My husband in a bad mood
* Telling someone bad news
* Taxes
* Obligations
* Confrontation

Things I Am Proud Of
* Where I am, right now in my life, is only because of God--I am proud being that reflection of Him
* Overcoming
* Succeeding
* Thriving
* Running
* Persevering
* Loving
* My kids
* My family
* Battling
* Myself

Things That Bug the Heck Out of Me
* Repeating myself to my kids out of necessity only to find I am in such a habit of it, I do it to adults
* My kids incessant fighting over the most miniscule of things. Drives. Me. Nuts. 
* Repeatedly telling my kids to stop fighting
* Walking out of a clean room, walking back in it ten minutes later to a chaotic mess
* Hangnails
* Miscommunication
* Manipulation
* My horrible eyesight
* Bad customer service
* A bad work ethic
* Cranky people
* Wasting money and/or resources

Things That Make My Anger Go From Zero to Ballistic in 12 Seconds
* Mess with my kids or my family
* Threats
* Injustice
* Death of innocent children

What I Do For Therapy Because It's Cheap
* Run, a lot
* Drink coffee...lots of it
* Listen to classical music
* Read
* Sew
* Garden
* Read my Bible
* Count my blessings

Fun Mud Run 2014

Next week....another half marathon...

Another Journey--I'm Sick of Journeys

Why the heck does everything in a woman's life involve a journey? I am so sick of journeys.

And yet, by no choice of my own, I am embarking on another. Menopause. It is this weird thing that happens to us all who have XX chromosomes. We know what it is. Yet it's very unclear.

Technically, I am pre-menopausal. All women are before the plumbing shuts down, technically.

What I have discovered. It's the pre-menopause (or perimenopause) that is the painful journey. Menopause is the prize.

And each journey is incredibly different. If you talk to the girlfriend network, there is no helpful hints because each person is so varied in their experience, health, family history and doctor's advice. Ask anyone of them, when did it start? Deer in the headlights.

I visited the doctor a year ago. She confirmed what I already knew intuitively. I am in the thick of it. No real discernible symptoms that can be measured, but I'm there. Oh, and it's a good thing I am running and watching my health. It'll make the journey smoother. Swell. Does this seem mysterious to you? It is to me too. 

Here's what I know.
 
 * I have no idea when this started, but as I look back, things were changing when I turned 40. I don't know how to describe it, but change was afoot. Nothing calculable can be reported, I just knew.

*This whole thing, in my little being, is starting to become cyclical. I used to notice "things" showing up every now and then. Now it is definitely cyclical and I have noticed this more since the beginning of the year

* My Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS). Gads, I've had that since my early 30's. What is it? It is a fairly common ailment that starts up as one is getting relaxed, like laying down to go to bed. It's is a creepy, crawly, nervy feeling in one's legs. It builds into a tension for about 30-60 seconds to the point where the only relief is to flex your leg muscles--hard--to relieve it. And then you relax. Wait about 60 seconds and it begins again. On really bad nights, there is no break in the flexing and it goes on for hours. It has gotten worse in recent years.  Related to this journey? Doctor isn't sure. I'm convinced it is. It is part of this newly recognized cycle.

* Speaking of trying to sleep while your legs are trying to turn inside out...let's talk about hot flashes. I don't always recognize them and they are infrequent enough that I have a hard time identifying them. Is it hot in here? Well a little. Did I just go up and down the stairs and maybe a little warm from that? Then I feel silly, "Kids, is it hot in here?" When I know I am having them is at night. Again, not frequently, but there is no asking if it is "hot in here". Sweaty pajamas and sheets tell me. I notice the damp sheets and pajamas because I am wide awake tossing and turning from the crazy RLS. Seems the hot flashes and RLS are on the same cycle. I like to use the new pop culture phrase "hot mess" when I am swearing under my breath in the middle of the night about the beating I plan to give Eve.

*Sugar. I have a sweet tooth. Always have. I have managed to keep it under control for three years now. However, there are cyclical moments when it is crazy how much I have gotta have it. Never had this before in my life. I can also pinpoint it in the cycle. I will have the cravings, step back, do some math in my head, and I know it's part of this extra special journey.....that was sarcasm.

* Plumbing that is cyclical in women is still but not quite. It misfires in really inconvenient and alarming ways. How many of us know that friend's cousin who had a "menopause baby"? Babies are always a blessing, but that would be alarming. The misfires are enough to keep life exciting to say the least. Having a few misfires in a woman's plumbing is something that happens all our life, but now it happens more often. Mysterious and difficult to quantify. When it happens, everything is messed up. The sugar-hot flash-sleeplessness-moody-hot mess is Defcon 5 when a misfire is bad. It lasts for about a month, until the next cycle.

*  Coffee. It makes the RLS worse, I've noticed. Used to be impervious to the effects of caffeine, but during certain phases of this cycle I am still figuring out, caffeine from soda make the RLS go into over drive. However, during dormant stages of this weird journey, coffee is what makes me function to offset the ..... (insert next symptom please)

* Sleep. It's elusive. Having a full 6-8 hours of sleep is all I want for Christmas. If it isn't the evil part of the cycle when the RLS has my legs sore from constant flexing and soaked pajamas, then in general, I am not sleeping soundly. If I go too many nights with some serious sleep deprivation, I'll take a Melatonin just to help. So far that seems to be working. I haven't tried it yet on hot mess nights.

* Since there are all kinds of physical changes that happen here that get a bit personal, especially as a married woman. Well. It's on the list too.

It's a bit amazing to make the list. Of all the symptoms the one that has most of my attention right now is the RLS. I am cutting back on caffeine, specifically soda, later in the day and doing some simple things to combat it. In an effort to do this without medications, I am focusing on healthy eating (except when those crazy sugar cravings hit) and running and, for the most part, I feel good. I certainly cannot imagine this special journey when I was overweight and sedentary. The one take away I got from the doctor last year, the diet and exercise help keep the severity of symptoms away.

Well let's hope so.

Imagine If There Weren't....

Imagine if we didn't have photography. Even 100 years ago when photography was new and rarely used. Imagine if we didn't have that.

Our sermon this morning was talking about Romans 8 and the distinction of our decaying bodies and our spiritual body. An illustration was used of a photographer who has taken an annual picture of his wife and three sisters since 1975. And watching the aging process in these women. It's a fascinating process to watch.

On the way to church, the husband and I discussed politics, like we do often. We discussed the "image" of two candidates running. He made a great point. Think to 100 years ago, if the entire electorate elected based upon the shallow "looks" of a candidate, Lincoln would have lost. He was not an attractive man! Husband makes a great point.

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So as I am listening to this sermon, my mind wandered. Yes, I know, I'm a heathen. But even in our own lives, think back 20 years. Can you remember what your middle school math teacher looked like? Exactly? Could you pick them out of a line up today? I would have to honestly say no. As I have lived with my husband for 20+ years, and I have watched him age before my eyes, would I recognize him from 20 years ago if I had no pictures of him? Gotta think no.

So imagine what life was like before the discovery of photography. I almost think it might have been an unknown luxury. I would not remember what I looked like, and maybe there might be less bemoaning and comparing my looks to younger years. Instead of bemoaning what I, or anyone else in my life looked like, it would almost force me to live more in the moment. People in front of me, in all their glory, is all we had to go by. That is a game changer, especially for those we have known for a long time. Sketchy memories would be all I had to compare to.

Would you recognize the husband and I from 1991?

I also would do a lot of things differently. Voting is a great example. I dare everyone to take their voter's guide when they receive it, and have their kids cut out all the pictures first before reading it. Vote completely based upon what is written, not by the picture. Interesting idea.

I can't do it this time around because I do know what everyone looks like. And that brings up another point, we almost cannot decide the merits of a person, candidate, issue, idea, etc without having the image of a person attached to it. It would be almost impossible to choose the voting idea I mentioned because we are thrust pictures of candidates in all kinds of media.

There are benefits to having photography, I am not saying let's get rid of it. But this morning's discussion and sermon gave me pause for thought. It's been interesting to consider.

Nothing to See Here

Adoption. My family was assembled, like millions of others, through adoption.

Race. My kids are a different race than myself and my husband.

My kids are now 13 and 9. The topic of adoption is an open subject in our household. We talk about it often and openly. I have said this before but it's worth noting again--if we don't encourage it as an open topic now, it will be a scary topic when the hard questions come.

That time is coming closer, by sheer numbers. All the experts tell us that come the early teen years, the hard questions from adoptees start. I am not afraid of them. I am anticipating them.

They begin to arrive because of the maturing process. Suddenly the larger picture is realized. Not only is adoption a great thing, but in that amazing situation of adoption comes a great loss. The questions will have a sad nature, a grieving nature. That is what the experts tell us.

I'm ready. I really am. My kids know their birth/adoption stories. When one asks for me to tell theirs, of course, the other wants me to tell his. I am happy to supply the details. It's an interesting process. As they get older, I can supply details that more mature minds can handle. I wonder if my adding some of those thoughts and feelings have staved off the hard questions. That would be nice.

As I tell their stories, they like hearing them. They like that each story is very different, yet similar. They like the details. I haven't told the stories recently. I also don't tell the stories in great detail to anyone else. I tell summaries to friends. The stories are for them to tell. It's their life. Not mine. It's part of who they are and part of their identity. That is sacred stuff.

Enjoying a baby fix with my friend's foster child. To hold a sleeping baby....so sweet!

So we move along...

The awareness my kids have that they are a different race has been there but they are now starting to understand that others notice our race is different. We've done a pretty good job teaching them to have a sense of humor about things. I have to say, they crack me up.

A friend of mine is a foster parent. She generally has one or two foster kids at a time, plus she is an adoptive mom of a sweet teenage young lady. We were talking about one of her past kids she had that "looked" different than her. I can't remember what the distinction was, but she said, "....everywhere you go, people notice you're different." I chuckled and said, "I know what you mean." She looked at me and suddenly realized, "Oh that's right!" She is so used to seeing our kids, and our family, as they are...she had done what we did years ago--forgot about race. I absolutely cherish those moments. They give me hope.

I never say never to ever adopting again. It is something that certainly doesn't just fall in your lap. One must pursue it, want it, defend the idea of it, and work for it. Someday it may happen again.

There is always love and always a kid who desperately needs it. It is always an option in our home.

Let's Get This Thing (Re)Started

What's up Buttercup?
I've been gone. I have been mulling around the whole idea, how does one (re)start a blog after a long absence? Its been over a year! Much has happened and yet much hasn't happened. So I thought I would do bullet points. Keep it simple. Get everyone up to speed. Then let's go.

*First, right off the bat. If someone could explain to me what the deal is with blogger suddenly disabling photos, and could tell me how many pints of blood it will require me to give to Google to enable them, I'd appreciate it. Otherwise, I'll see what I can do.

*I am now an avid runner. I love it. It's been a rough year, but I don't plan to give this up ever.

*I am on track to accomplish six half marathons this year. Yes, it's a lot. This year has been about recovering from injury and a minor (yet seemed major looking back) surgery. 

*The ultimate goal is to do a marathon. Stay tuned.

*I took up juicing this year. It's been interesting. It is a whole different lifestyle and I might mention it in a few posts. I am no pro. I am still working my way through that world.

*I am very politically active now. I try to keep my thoughts and opinions on that elsewhere, but I give myself permission to deviate a bit.

*Adoption. That is where I might (re)start my blog, since that is what inspired it. The kids are older and race issues are not what they were when I started this blog. Give me a few days on that. It's all good under our roof.

*My husband finished his PhD a couple of year ago, when I was in the middle of my weight loss. We have been married now 22 years. I might need to write a blog post on that just because ... wow ... I mean looking back over the years....feeling a blog post on that.

*I have gone from being agnostic on gun rights to an exerciser of my rights to keep and bear arms. We have had a lot of fun as a family getting up to speed on all that entails. I have joined a women's group. I love it, and I am a big believer in those who can pass a background check to be able to keep and bear arms. Safety, safety, safety.

*My odd extended family. Well, that is a drama that always gets a post occasionally. I post those for the main reason--having unstable family members that are a constant thorn in one's side is normal.

*New work opportunities.

*Still doing online school (not traditional homeschooling) with the kids.

*I heart to cook yummy things still.

*Oh, here is one that is deserving of my sarcasm. I have become a distressed sufferer of RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome). Silly me thought it would somehow go away by losing weight and running. Oh no, it got worse. And it's kind of one of those things you just kind of deal with because the side effects of the medications are beyond ridiculous.

So there you go. I have a lot of new-ish things that have happened in this past year. I think it's the gradual change we all have in our lives. I hope you see my sudden (re)start like seeing an old friend you last saw a year or so ago.

Let's sit down, have a cup of coffee, and catch up.