Shushed by a two year old? Makes for yummy humble pie.
Aug 31, 2007
The Heart of Man
Little background for you. We have new neighbors that moved in last February. We rejoiced when they arrived. The people before them were difficult. And here is how that story goes:
B owned the house, and got to brag that she was only the second owner of a fairly old house. Over the course of the then eight years they were our eighbors, B had several girlfriends come and go. Yes, B is a lesbian and there is quite a gay/lesbian population in the city we live. In the final years B lived in the house, it was her and her girlfriend, T.
Aside here. I am a Christian, but I am not mean. Here is my thoughts on this--Romans 1 is pretty clear. God does not approve of homosexuality at all. What is my role in this? I have lesbians as neighbors. My role is to be an example of Christ. Over the years, we have attempted to be neighborly, with a fairly cool response from them. Over the course of my adulthood, I have several gay/lesbian friends. I just talked to one of them before sitting down to write this. I meet gay/lesbians all the time in my work, and we all get along fine! Why? Because I don't think God has given me the authority to walk up to a complete stranger and start an argument, I am called to be Christlike. I am called to be nice, friendly, loving, etc. It has stretched me, believe me, but it has opened up some amazing conversations that have caused a lot of miracles to come to people, myself included.
Then it came to a peak I think in 2004. It was an election year, and on the ballot in our state was an amendment to keep marriage as man and woman, and not for gay/lesbian couples. Well, as a Christian, I endorse that. Again, not my position to start drawing lines and making enemies, but I/we felt the need to put an election sign on our front lawn. You would have thought we put a swastika. It is an election year, and we have the right as Americans to exercise our right to free speech.
B and her new girlfriend, T, galvanized the neighborhood. Suddenly there are opposing signs all around us. Few words were said--it was all actions, dirty looks, we say 'hi'--they look away. One neighbor suddenly wouldn't let her daughter play with JM. A sign is put up on an abandoned lot opposing our sign. Our sign disappears one day. Good thing we had an extra. Yes, several illegal things happened. All we (my husband and I) could think was, All we did was put up a sign. For a group that claims "tolerance" quite a bit, we certainly were not feeling tolerated. We were amazed. The silence was tense.
Then it got worse. One day, I hired a couple of neighborhood boys to mow our lawn. They had the most rickety lawn mower, with no bag on it but needed one, and were mowing the front lawn. I looked out the door, and one of them was walking up to the porch, looking mortified. He sheepishly asked me for a broom. You see, some of the grass from his bagless mower had blown on B's driveway, and T was spitting mad. She had yelled at them, which frightened this poor boy who is just trying to mow a lawn.
Could you imagine being him? I went out, and she repeated to me, in the same manner, what she had said to him (which is not repeatable). Well, I am bigger than him, and have a more creative vocabulary, and I was sick of this. In one sentence, I shut her down (what I said is repeatable, yet highly creative). The boys were sweet, and swept the grass. I mean really! She is over-the-top mad about grass! I understand if she came out and said, "Hey, can we make sure this gets cleaned up before you go home?? Great! Thanks!" No, she blew her top at boys who were no more than 12, taking her anger for us out on them. How incredibly mean spirited and inappropriate. This was the first words really revealing to us what was under all the tension for quite some time.
I tipped those boys quite a bit. I apologized to them, and I have never seen them again. If your kids came home with a story like this, would you let them mow my lawn again?
Anyway, we knew B had owned the home forever, and really, we thought this is what it would be like for a long time. Suddenly, April of 2006, a "For Sale" sign went up. I have to admit, I was praising God. It didn't sell right away, and the price came down quite a bit. The neighborhood gossip came back to us they were moving because the "neighborhood has become too conservative." The neighbor with the little girl moved as well. Suddenly, the tension is lifting.
Our neighbors, E and M, across the street are the best! They stayed out of the election sign fray. I am talking to E one day while B's house was on the market. I told her some of the things I have shared here. As a non-Christian, she says, "I would think we could all agree to disagree, don't you? I don't like that the neighborhood was turned against you based upon an election topic." I agreed. We have always tried to be neighborly, and understanding that not everyone agrees on everything. I so appreciated her assurance. We are great friends to this day.
Here is the miracle: I have a chat with E today. She ran into B who came by to give an extra key to the new neighbors. Come to find out--B and T have gained custody of a four year old family member because the child's parents are in trouble with the law. It seems that now that B and T have a child of their own to protect and care for, they have now experienced the "mama bear" protectiveness we all have for our kids (and I felt for the two boys that lawn mowing day). I also think a little conservatism comes with parenthood. Suddenly you want wholesomeness, basics, and simplicity for your kids. E tells me this has kicked in for B and T.
Also, these words came out of B's mouth, "We really regret moving away now." It is one thing to think that, but to share it openly with the neighborhood gossip, knowing it would probably come back to us--well that was a peace offering to me. You have to remember, it was 8 years of tension and dirty looks, and in 8 months they have realized that we were not all that bad. In fact, our kids would have probably played well together. God has impressed me with this one.
I am also thankful for my aging process. In my youth, I would not have let a lot of the things go that I did from B and T. I have learned one thing in my old age--time. Time has an amazing healing effect on things. Not always, but in this situation, it's amazing how some passage of time, a few changed circumstances, and suddenly, there is the changing of a person's heart. If my youthful anger had gotten involved in that, this would not have the sweet ending that it does.
God moves in the hearts of man. That is a sheer miracle! I will continue to pray for B and T. I also am thankful that God has placed that child in their care.
B owned the house, and got to brag that she was only the second owner of a fairly old house. Over the course of the then eight years they were our eighbors, B had several girlfriends come and go. Yes, B is a lesbian and there is quite a gay/lesbian population in the city we live. In the final years B lived in the house, it was her and her girlfriend, T.
Aside here. I am a Christian, but I am not mean. Here is my thoughts on this--Romans 1 is pretty clear. God does not approve of homosexuality at all. What is my role in this? I have lesbians as neighbors. My role is to be an example of Christ. Over the years, we have attempted to be neighborly, with a fairly cool response from them. Over the course of my adulthood, I have several gay/lesbian friends. I just talked to one of them before sitting down to write this. I meet gay/lesbians all the time in my work, and we all get along fine! Why? Because I don't think God has given me the authority to walk up to a complete stranger and start an argument, I am called to be Christlike. I am called to be nice, friendly, loving, etc. It has stretched me, believe me, but it has opened up some amazing conversations that have caused a lot of miracles to come to people, myself included.
Then it came to a peak I think in 2004. It was an election year, and on the ballot in our state was an amendment to keep marriage as man and woman, and not for gay/lesbian couples. Well, as a Christian, I endorse that. Again, not my position to start drawing lines and making enemies, but I/we felt the need to put an election sign on our front lawn. You would have thought we put a swastika. It is an election year, and we have the right as Americans to exercise our right to free speech.
B and her new girlfriend, T, galvanized the neighborhood. Suddenly there are opposing signs all around us. Few words were said--it was all actions, dirty looks, we say 'hi'--they look away. One neighbor suddenly wouldn't let her daughter play with JM. A sign is put up on an abandoned lot opposing our sign. Our sign disappears one day. Good thing we had an extra. Yes, several illegal things happened. All we (my husband and I) could think was, All we did was put up a sign. For a group that claims "tolerance" quite a bit, we certainly were not feeling tolerated. We were amazed. The silence was tense.
Then it got worse. One day, I hired a couple of neighborhood boys to mow our lawn. They had the most rickety lawn mower, with no bag on it but needed one, and were mowing the front lawn. I looked out the door, and one of them was walking up to the porch, looking mortified. He sheepishly asked me for a broom. You see, some of the grass from his bagless mower had blown on B's driveway, and T was spitting mad. She had yelled at them, which frightened this poor boy who is just trying to mow a lawn.
Could you imagine being him? I went out, and she repeated to me, in the same manner, what she had said to him (which is not repeatable). Well, I am bigger than him, and have a more creative vocabulary, and I was sick of this. In one sentence, I shut her down (what I said is repeatable, yet highly creative). The boys were sweet, and swept the grass. I mean really! She is over-the-top mad about grass! I understand if she came out and said, "Hey, can we make sure this gets cleaned up before you go home?? Great! Thanks!" No, she blew her top at boys who were no more than 12, taking her anger for us out on them. How incredibly mean spirited and inappropriate. This was the first words really revealing to us what was under all the tension for quite some time.
I tipped those boys quite a bit. I apologized to them, and I have never seen them again. If your kids came home with a story like this, would you let them mow my lawn again?
Anyway, we knew B had owned the home forever, and really, we thought this is what it would be like for a long time. Suddenly, April of 2006, a "For Sale" sign went up. I have to admit, I was praising God. It didn't sell right away, and the price came down quite a bit. The neighborhood gossip came back to us they were moving because the "neighborhood has become too conservative." The neighbor with the little girl moved as well. Suddenly, the tension is lifting.
Our neighbors, E and M, across the street are the best! They stayed out of the election sign fray. I am talking to E one day while B's house was on the market. I told her some of the things I have shared here. As a non-Christian, she says, "I would think we could all agree to disagree, don't you? I don't like that the neighborhood was turned against you based upon an election topic." I agreed. We have always tried to be neighborly, and understanding that not everyone agrees on everything. I so appreciated her assurance. We are great friends to this day.
Here is the miracle: I have a chat with E today. She ran into B who came by to give an extra key to the new neighbors. Come to find out--B and T have gained custody of a four year old family member because the child's parents are in trouble with the law. It seems that now that B and T have a child of their own to protect and care for, they have now experienced the "mama bear" protectiveness we all have for our kids (and I felt for the two boys that lawn mowing day). I also think a little conservatism comes with parenthood. Suddenly you want wholesomeness, basics, and simplicity for your kids. E tells me this has kicked in for B and T.
Also, these words came out of B's mouth, "We really regret moving away now." It is one thing to think that, but to share it openly with the neighborhood gossip, knowing it would probably come back to us--well that was a peace offering to me. You have to remember, it was 8 years of tension and dirty looks, and in 8 months they have realized that we were not all that bad. In fact, our kids would have probably played well together. God has impressed me with this one.
I am also thankful for my aging process. In my youth, I would not have let a lot of the things go that I did from B and T. I have learned one thing in my old age--time. Time has an amazing healing effect on things. Not always, but in this situation, it's amazing how some passage of time, a few changed circumstances, and suddenly, there is the changing of a person's heart. If my youthful anger had gotten involved in that, this would not have the sweet ending that it does.
God moves in the hearts of man. That is a sheer miracle! I will continue to pray for B and T. I also am thankful that God has placed that child in their care.
Aug 29, 2007
Two year olds Part III
The rule at our house, if you are riding on anything with wheels, you must wear a helmet. Nevermind that I had never worn a helmet until I had kids....but that's another story. We played outside today, and of course, needed to put on helmets. BH is so cute with a helmet on because his head is so small, and he has to practically look at the sky to see below the rim. Here is how that exchange went:
"BH, you are so cute! Let me put your helmet on." (He lifts his chin high so I can click the chin strap without pinching him.)
When I am done, he replies "I already coot!"
Aug 28, 2007
Attachment, Bonding and Adoption
If you look at my post from a couple of days ago "Bullets on Adoption" you will see a friend's comments about Reactive Attachment Disorder. I gave a pretty winded response, and yet feel the need to add more--so let's just start a whole new post on the issue. But I do encourage you to go and check out her concern, and she has a very valid one.
Reactive Attachment Disorder is a disorder that happens when young children have not bonded with people. Simply put. I have tried to come up with a clinical list of what it looks like. It's slippery, yet it's not. Here, read this gal's experience by clicking here. Now, have I frightened you? Just like what she writes in her letter, please don't let it frighten you. She indicates that she hesitates to write that because she so strongly believes in adoption, yet wants people to know, don't go into adopting kids with your eyes closed.
Information is power. I have a few books on attachment in my arsenal, but they are a bit dated. I did a bunch of searching, especially for one particular author who is the pioneer in this field. I came up with the list of books I have added to the blog. One of them "The Unlit Path" is the book Bella is referring to in the above link.
From my knowledge and limited training, this is what I know. Kids need to be bonded with, no matter the age, with people and it's easier to do when they are babies. When they are older, parents need to make it number one priority. Is it a guarantee that all kids coming out of Russia, India and the American foster system have RAD? No, in fact many of them do just fine. Do you have to be from such an extreme state to have RAD? No. Kids who come from divorced homes and get bounced around the family a lot can have RAD. Kids who have spent too much time in child care can have it. Children who have really absent parents (ie high on drugs constantly, away with boyfriends and girlfriends, etc) can have RAD.
Sounds hopeless huh? Well, it's not. Here are some other tidbits I have picked up along the way, and I can't remember the resources, but think they are worth noting:
1) Kids with RAD do really well in home school environments. Most of my friends are home school moms, I am the minority! Why do they do well? Because the long term, daily interaction, is bonding. Older kids don't bond by being snuggled and hugged like babies do--it is done relationally and homeschooling is great for that. Many kids with RAD do not do well in mainstream schools because they can't sit still, can't focus, and rebel a bit. Well, homeschooling takes care of a lot of that. It also offers a lot of flexibility to the student who can be creative in his/her learning that just isn't possible in a structured classroom.
2) Kids with RAD do not want to have RAD, and they don't get why they feel so broken and weird. They are not evil, they are kids. Although, read the link above, you may sometimes believe they are evil. They are not, they are reacting to the yucky set of cards life dealt them.
3) How to gauge if a kid has RAD? Now that we have a little discussion on this, go click on the link for Northwest Adoption Exchange, and look at the kid's profiles. You will see caseworker's say things like "John Doe does really well in a structured environment that has quick consequences for actions" or "John Doe has been in two foster homes but still bonds with significant adults" or "Jane Doe has a bond with her current foster parent. Staying in contact with this foster parent is key to her transition to her forever home."
Those words are the caseworkers appropriate notes to a prospective parent what they can expect bonding wise.
Also--kids with severe RAD are not placed for adoption. At least in the state I live, kids with extreme RAD are placed in intense therapeutic group homes with the hope of getting them to a point that they can be in a permanent home. Those kids have this kind of description "Jane Doe is currently in a therapy group home and making great strides. She has indicated she wants a forever home and is willing to work to make that happen." That is a kid who has hope.
4) Kids coming from foster care are not just plopped on your porch while the caseworker peels his/her tires away from your home thinking "One more kid's file off my desk. Woo HOO!" No. If you adopt from a state agency, you will have a gaggle of resources: counseling, library, support groups, etc. Adoptive parents need to ask for those resources vehemently. At least in my state, we are required to take a very intensive 12 week course before even being approved to adopt. We took that several years ago, and it was empowering. It was also conducted by a narcissistic weirdo, and I would love to take it again from someone other than him.
Foster kids also go through a huge transition into their new home. Weekends with you for like a year! Then two weeks with you, then two weeks at their foster home, and so on. Why? To build bonds. You want to get to the point where the kid finally says to you, "When can we stop all this visiting and I get to live with you?" That is a kid who has bonded with you. Harder to do when it's a cross country adoption, but still possible.
And, you know what? This may all be for nothing! A child from these hard beginnings may come into your home and have that natural resilience which gives them the ability to say "that was before, this is now, I am thankful, and I love my new parents."
I want to give you hope. When you read this, you might be thinking....so much work! I can't do all that! Well, if I found out that my biological kid, hypothetically of course, had RAD, I would jump through a thousand hoops to get him/her the help and resources they needed. If I found out my bio kid was stealing at school and getting into trouble, you bet I would intervene and get help. You would do the work if it were your bio kid.
Shouldn't it be that way for our adopted kids? After all, they are our kids. Biology doesn't guarantee a thing.
Reactive Attachment Disorder is a disorder that happens when young children have not bonded with people. Simply put. I have tried to come up with a clinical list of what it looks like. It's slippery, yet it's not. Here, read this gal's experience by clicking here. Now, have I frightened you? Just like what she writes in her letter, please don't let it frighten you. She indicates that she hesitates to write that because she so strongly believes in adoption, yet wants people to know, don't go into adopting kids with your eyes closed.
Information is power. I have a few books on attachment in my arsenal, but they are a bit dated. I did a bunch of searching, especially for one particular author who is the pioneer in this field. I came up with the list of books I have added to the blog. One of them "The Unlit Path" is the book Bella is referring to in the above link.
From my knowledge and limited training, this is what I know. Kids need to be bonded with, no matter the age, with people and it's easier to do when they are babies. When they are older, parents need to make it number one priority. Is it a guarantee that all kids coming out of Russia, India and the American foster system have RAD? No, in fact many of them do just fine. Do you have to be from such an extreme state to have RAD? No. Kids who come from divorced homes and get bounced around the family a lot can have RAD. Kids who have spent too much time in child care can have it. Children who have really absent parents (ie high on drugs constantly, away with boyfriends and girlfriends, etc) can have RAD.
Sounds hopeless huh? Well, it's not. Here are some other tidbits I have picked up along the way, and I can't remember the resources, but think they are worth noting:
1) Kids with RAD do really well in home school environments. Most of my friends are home school moms, I am the minority! Why do they do well? Because the long term, daily interaction, is bonding. Older kids don't bond by being snuggled and hugged like babies do--it is done relationally and homeschooling is great for that. Many kids with RAD do not do well in mainstream schools because they can't sit still, can't focus, and rebel a bit. Well, homeschooling takes care of a lot of that. It also offers a lot of flexibility to the student who can be creative in his/her learning that just isn't possible in a structured classroom.
2) Kids with RAD do not want to have RAD, and they don't get why they feel so broken and weird. They are not evil, they are kids. Although, read the link above, you may sometimes believe they are evil. They are not, they are reacting to the yucky set of cards life dealt them.
3) How to gauge if a kid has RAD? Now that we have a little discussion on this, go click on the link for Northwest Adoption Exchange, and look at the kid's profiles. You will see caseworker's say things like "John Doe does really well in a structured environment that has quick consequences for actions" or "John Doe has been in two foster homes but still bonds with significant adults" or "Jane Doe has a bond with her current foster parent. Staying in contact with this foster parent is key to her transition to her forever home."
Those words are the caseworkers appropriate notes to a prospective parent what they can expect bonding wise.
Also--kids with severe RAD are not placed for adoption. At least in the state I live, kids with extreme RAD are placed in intense therapeutic group homes with the hope of getting them to a point that they can be in a permanent home. Those kids have this kind of description "Jane Doe is currently in a therapy group home and making great strides. She has indicated she wants a forever home and is willing to work to make that happen." That is a kid who has hope.
4) Kids coming from foster care are not just plopped on your porch while the caseworker peels his/her tires away from your home thinking "One more kid's file off my desk. Woo HOO!" No. If you adopt from a state agency, you will have a gaggle of resources: counseling, library, support groups, etc. Adoptive parents need to ask for those resources vehemently. At least in my state, we are required to take a very intensive 12 week course before even being approved to adopt. We took that several years ago, and it was empowering. It was also conducted by a narcissistic weirdo, and I would love to take it again from someone other than him.
Foster kids also go through a huge transition into their new home. Weekends with you for like a year! Then two weeks with you, then two weeks at their foster home, and so on. Why? To build bonds. You want to get to the point where the kid finally says to you, "When can we stop all this visiting and I get to live with you?" That is a kid who has bonded with you. Harder to do when it's a cross country adoption, but still possible.
And, you know what? This may all be for nothing! A child from these hard beginnings may come into your home and have that natural resilience which gives them the ability to say "that was before, this is now, I am thankful, and I love my new parents."
I want to give you hope. When you read this, you might be thinking....so much work! I can't do all that! Well, if I found out that my biological kid, hypothetically of course, had RAD, I would jump through a thousand hoops to get him/her the help and resources they needed. If I found out my bio kid was stealing at school and getting into trouble, you bet I would intervene and get help. You would do the work if it were your bio kid.
Shouldn't it be that way for our adopted kids? After all, they are our kids. Biology doesn't guarantee a thing.
Aug 27, 2007
Bullets on Adoption
Every time I get my latest copy of "Adoptive Families Magazine", I drink it up like water. The resources, suggestions, helpful hints, and sweet stories just fill my day with adoption thoughts and goals. If you are an adoptive parent, in process of adopting, or somehow connected to adoption, I cannot stress enough how much I love this magazine. It covers all kinds of adoption (international, domestic, step parent adoption, older child adoption, adoption within families, etc). You cannot go wrong with the amazing amount of resources, ideas, and help it has.
Here is what I will share with you, that I have found out lately, and from my latest read:
1) Guatemala is the number two most popular country for Americans to adopt from next to China. They are having problems. Click here for an article I found a few days ago hinting to the problems. According to my magazine, there will now be more requirements for adoption workers to perform more DNA tests on Guatemalan birthparents to prove parenthood. It is sad. But as an adoptive parent, I want to make sure my child's birthparents are consenting and that I am not unknowingly participating in baby brokering!
2) Keep your eyes out on your local PBS stations. "Arthur's" friend, Binky, is about to have a new baby sister adopted from China. The writers of the program spent two years researching and developing this story line. There is a huge write up in Adoptive Families Magazine. The writers truly wanted to make sure adoption was presented accurately, without myths, and well done for kids. I am looking forward to it! According to my local station, it seems September 7th is the magical day it will air, but please double check that.
3) Adoptions from the Ukraine are delayed as well. Families can expect to wait three weeks before receiving a visa for their child to leave the country.
4) Great articles and discussion about international vs domestic adoptions. Many people want international adoptions to avoid contact with birthfamilies, but suddenly find one of two things happening. a) They do indeed want to meet the family if only for a photo and a heartfelt hug and thank you. b) Also, they are finding that international agencies will contact them saying "the birth family has asked for a letter and a picture".
Please see my blog post dated 7/22/2007 called "Bad Day for Adoption". I think domestic adoption rocks, even though it seems to get as much bad press as international adoption. I still think it's one of the quickest, lowest risk, and cheapest adoptions around. I do have my opinion that I fully realize not everyone holds to--we need to take care of our own kids in need before looking beyond our borders. That is my opinion, and it may not be yours.
5) Great books! I posted a new one on my list of books. There are dozens more in the magazine.
6) Please keep checking the link I posted for National Adoption Day. It is always the Saturday before Thanksgiving, with a focus on placing children in foster care in permanent and loving homes. Since it's a little ways off, the link is kind of stale for much right now, but keep checking it. If you want to see what some of those great foster kids are like, check out my link for Northwest Adoption Exchange. A great site updated weekly with kids just needing a family.
7) As school starts, and the older our kids get, adoption does become a school/playground topic. I have volunteered at JM's school to lead a discussion for the kids about adoption. I will fully pull my resources from all the articles that Adoptive Families Magazine avails to it's readers this time of year. Great words to say, great children's books, great stories that are geared for children's understanding.
8) Would it be helpful if I placed a list of adoption books for kids on my blog? I have a bunch that I recommend. There are tons of them. Please also check the link I have for "Another adoptive family-resources galore!" She has a huge list of children's books as well.
One rule we have for our family--adoption is an open topic. It is talked about, embraced, celebrated and part of our daily life. It is not a secret, shushed, or brushed aside. We want that complete openness now for when our children get older and really start having the tough questions. There is no wrong question or any off limits. That kind of candid talk also innoculates our kids so when they go out in the world and another kid says, "She's not your real mom" our kids know how to handle that. It's always talked about.
Here is what I will share with you, that I have found out lately, and from my latest read:
1) Guatemala is the number two most popular country for Americans to adopt from next to China. They are having problems. Click here for an article I found a few days ago hinting to the problems. According to my magazine, there will now be more requirements for adoption workers to perform more DNA tests on Guatemalan birthparents to prove parenthood. It is sad. But as an adoptive parent, I want to make sure my child's birthparents are consenting and that I am not unknowingly participating in baby brokering!
2) Keep your eyes out on your local PBS stations. "Arthur's" friend, Binky, is about to have a new baby sister adopted from China. The writers of the program spent two years researching and developing this story line. There is a huge write up in Adoptive Families Magazine. The writers truly wanted to make sure adoption was presented accurately, without myths, and well done for kids. I am looking forward to it! According to my local station, it seems September 7th is the magical day it will air, but please double check that.
3) Adoptions from the Ukraine are delayed as well. Families can expect to wait three weeks before receiving a visa for their child to leave the country.
4) Great articles and discussion about international vs domestic adoptions. Many people want international adoptions to avoid contact with birthfamilies, but suddenly find one of two things happening. a) They do indeed want to meet the family if only for a photo and a heartfelt hug and thank you. b) Also, they are finding that international agencies will contact them saying "the birth family has asked for a letter and a picture".
Please see my blog post dated 7/22/2007 called "Bad Day for Adoption". I think domestic adoption rocks, even though it seems to get as much bad press as international adoption. I still think it's one of the quickest, lowest risk, and cheapest adoptions around. I do have my opinion that I fully realize not everyone holds to--we need to take care of our own kids in need before looking beyond our borders. That is my opinion, and it may not be yours.
5) Great books! I posted a new one on my list of books. There are dozens more in the magazine.
6) Please keep checking the link I posted for National Adoption Day. It is always the Saturday before Thanksgiving, with a focus on placing children in foster care in permanent and loving homes. Since it's a little ways off, the link is kind of stale for much right now, but keep checking it. If you want to see what some of those great foster kids are like, check out my link for Northwest Adoption Exchange. A great site updated weekly with kids just needing a family.
7) As school starts, and the older our kids get, adoption does become a school/playground topic. I have volunteered at JM's school to lead a discussion for the kids about adoption. I will fully pull my resources from all the articles that Adoptive Families Magazine avails to it's readers this time of year. Great words to say, great children's books, great stories that are geared for children's understanding.
8) Would it be helpful if I placed a list of adoption books for kids on my blog? I have a bunch that I recommend. There are tons of them. Please also check the link I have for "Another adoptive family-resources galore!" She has a huge list of children's books as well.
One rule we have for our family--adoption is an open topic. It is talked about, embraced, celebrated and part of our daily life. It is not a secret, shushed, or brushed aside. We want that complete openness now for when our children get older and really start having the tough questions. There is no wrong question or any off limits. That kind of candid talk also innoculates our kids so when they go out in the world and another kid says, "She's not your real mom" our kids know how to handle that. It's always talked about.
Aug 26, 2007
Two year olds Part II
Picture this. I am done priming yesterday. I am sitting in a chair, resting, getting myself mentally ready for what it will take to remove this primer from my body. BH comes up to me and we have this conversation:
Momma, whatsat? (Pointing to my pants with a splotch of primer.)
Paint.
Momma, whatsat? (Pointing to my forearm that has smears of primer on it.)
Paint.
Momma, whatsat on mouf? (Pointing to my face, specifically, my lip that has a splotch of primer on it.)
Paint.
Yucky Momma!
Aug 25, 2007
Stripping/Painting and Soccer
What has my week been consumed with? Yes, soccer and painting. As you can tell by some of my before photos, you would almost think "Why strip it? Just put a high powered blower on your house?" If it were only that simple! We have paint peeling like crazy on our house, and yes, when we start stripping there are obvious spots that are easy, it's the other parts that require arthritis inducing pain. We have found that just good old fashioned scraping with a putty knife is good. We also found a way cool product called the Speedheater Infrared Paint Remover. It uses ultraviolet rays to heat the old paint and it bubbles up and comes off with a sharp knife type blade. It's much safer that a heat gun. I have talked to so many people who have set their house on fire with those. This is much safer, and I highly recommend them. Ask me more about that if you want.
One thing they haven't invented, how to strip paint quickly for the lay person. Yes, if we had the "This Old House" crew here, it would be done in a minute. If we had the "Extreme Makeover" crew here, they would tear it down, and we like our 80 year old cute house!
My husband finished stripping last weekend, and it turned out I had a free day today, so I started in on priming it. We have bought a pretty spendy, high grade, primer. We don't want to do this any time soon. Oh, did I mention? To strip off one side of our house, this is our second summer working on it? Haven't invented the speedy method for the lay person on a budget.
Just some basic peeling here.
This is the south side our house, which going to be done next summer. And we have a plan to try to speed it up so it gets stripped, primed and painted in one summer. Right KM??
My husband's artistry. He was just finishing the trim on the windows when I took this shot. 
Here is my artistry. That is the primer. Nice huh? Even if we decide to be lazy and not do a thing more, this side of the house is finally protected after several years just because it has primer on it. It is such a relief! By the way, you can't see it, but we did invest in one of those very cool Little Giant Ladders. Love it, couldn't do this without it. Recommend it.
Oh! Soccer began this week. This is JM's first practice, and that is his coach in the background. I was impressed. The boys got put through their paces at practice. JM went up one league this year from Munchkin League, which is basic beginner, to U8 (Under 8), which is a little more focused and competitive.
And then there is BH. He is modeling his cute little authentic futball uniform a friend brought back from the UK. He's getting geared up for Munchkin League in a few years.
JM has the Michael Jordan tongue thing. That is our pastor's son running like crazy along side.
That last picture with the boys wearing their uniforms was this morning. There was a big jamboree, kickoff, start the season woo hoo. And the coach had them play a scrimmage, and that was intense! This isn't Munchkin League anymore! They will practice every time they are with their coach, and it ain't just shooting balls between cones either!
The pain is starting to set in. I do actually like to paint. I have painted interiors more than exteriors. But it's nice that a day's work can produce some pretty nice results. I primed the side on a house today! Anyway, the ache is beginning. My fingers are sore, my legs are sore from standing on a ladder, my shoulders ache from reaching up and far. Plus, I have oil based primed flecked in my hair. I am not pretty, but the back of the house is!
Three Advil Liqui-Gels.....coming right up!
Aug 24, 2007
Haitian "Restavek's"
Please read here for a sobering story out of Haiti. Please watch the video section as well. I knew from reading Maranatha Ministry's newsletter that this is a problem they have run into--finding "restavek's" (child servants/domestics) that have been poorly treated, abused, and beaten.
I see Antoine's face in this article, and he is just a kid! When I watch the video portion, I am just sad for such a huge amount of children who are just disregarded. Young Arthemise who has a future of being turned out by her family very soon and will most likely become a prostitute. Getro, the 19 year old, who has a life of homelessness and abuse. I would love to go to Haiti, bring him to America, have his injured elbow cared for, and give him an education. An education that might be a great partner with his willingness to work.
Recently Maranatha had one girl (young teenager) come to them, give birth, tell her story how she was raped by the head of the household she worked in, which lead to her pregnancy. Maranatha then had to realize they couldn't send her back to that situation at all. How sad!
I become so frustrated with stories like this. I have no idea, but God has put Haiti on my heart in the last 5 years or so. I feel an ownership to this problem. I know we hear stories out of other tragically impoverished places, and I am moved, but with Haiti I feel the need to act.
I absolutely love the idea described towards the end of the story. Establishing a sister school system providing materials, and help to a Haitian school. I think it's interesting how the story is very specific that the school is away from Port Au Prince. Port Au Prince is the capital of Haiti, and about the only big city in the nation. It is also hub to a lot of big city corruption above and beyond what already exists. I would throw this out there, if anyone wants to join me, I wouldn't mind looking into the feasibility of doing a sister school program. I couldn't do it alone, but I would do it with help. Send me some votes on that, and I will start doing some research.
One thing I do disagree with "It is not in Haitian culture to send children away," said Guerda Constante, a child-rights activist in the small coastal city of Jacmel. But it is! Just click on Maranatha Ministries from my blog, and you will see them describe how daily people will come to Maranatha's doors repeatedly to give their child up for adoption hoping for a better future. They will come back again a week later if they are turned down, and a few days after that. Much of John McHoul's time is spent managing that kind of demand. I think it is in their culture. I think Haiti is just close enough to the United States, people inherently know there is something better than eating off the streets and drinking putrid water.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he can eat for a lifetime.
I see Antoine's face in this article, and he is just a kid! When I watch the video portion, I am just sad for such a huge amount of children who are just disregarded. Young Arthemise who has a future of being turned out by her family very soon and will most likely become a prostitute. Getro, the 19 year old, who has a life of homelessness and abuse. I would love to go to Haiti, bring him to America, have his injured elbow cared for, and give him an education. An education that might be a great partner with his willingness to work.
Recently Maranatha had one girl (young teenager) come to them, give birth, tell her story how she was raped by the head of the household she worked in, which lead to her pregnancy. Maranatha then had to realize they couldn't send her back to that situation at all. How sad!
I become so frustrated with stories like this. I have no idea, but God has put Haiti on my heart in the last 5 years or so. I feel an ownership to this problem. I know we hear stories out of other tragically impoverished places, and I am moved, but with Haiti I feel the need to act.
I absolutely love the idea described towards the end of the story. Establishing a sister school system providing materials, and help to a Haitian school. I think it's interesting how the story is very specific that the school is away from Port Au Prince. Port Au Prince is the capital of Haiti, and about the only big city in the nation. It is also hub to a lot of big city corruption above and beyond what already exists. I would throw this out there, if anyone wants to join me, I wouldn't mind looking into the feasibility of doing a sister school program. I couldn't do it alone, but I would do it with help. Send me some votes on that, and I will start doing some research.
One thing I do disagree with "It is not in Haitian culture to send children away," said Guerda Constante, a child-rights activist in the small coastal city of Jacmel. But it is! Just click on Maranatha Ministries from my blog, and you will see them describe how daily people will come to Maranatha's doors repeatedly to give their child up for adoption hoping for a better future. They will come back again a week later if they are turned down, and a few days after that. Much of John McHoul's time is spent managing that kind of demand. I think it is in their culture. I think Haiti is just close enough to the United States, people inherently know there is something better than eating off the streets and drinking putrid water.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he can eat for a lifetime.
Aug 23, 2007
Game Boys are from the devil....
I have been on a journey for about the last four months with Game Boy hand held games. I am struggling now with writing about them (is it two words or one, is it a game or a hand held game, etc). They have caused me so much chagrin, you have no idea. It has been a journey of "the best laid plans" gone straight to hell.
JM has friends who have one. He wants one. I do the research all of us mommies are good at. I am impressed that about 95% of Game Boy games are appropriate for young kids. I am impressed that the interchangeable games can easily be bought used for $4-$7 dollars. I am impressed that I don't have to buy a huge game system and earn a degree in the workings of the back of my TV to get it to work with my satellite dish.
So JM earns one. He has worked hard for several months at chores, extra chores, behaving, etc. It was a point system and he had to earn 100 points. Each chore was a point. Yes, he worked hard. I have been so proud of him. This has been a great lesson in working and earning towards something.
Sounds like I had everything planned out right? Who knew a two year old could pick up a Game Boy and use it? I sure as heck didn't. So BH has been "borrowing it" in the loving, nasty, giggly, demanding way that two year olds do. I have felt bad for JM because he worked his tail end off for this thing that truly is his.
I had a conversation with my friend, B, about all of this a few months back, and she mentioned that since all of her kids have graduated to DS's (those are the upgrade from a Game Boy, and they have little stylus's and will eventually make Game Boy's obsolete--that is what they are playing with in the picture) I should have called her first before I bought one. When I went and visited her a few days ago , I asked if I could still take her up on her same offer.
My thinking was, let's get BH a Game Boy that he can beat up. I haven't spent $100 on it, and it will hopefully ease the arguing. She is so gracious and gives us a dated Game Boy. It looks different, it's bigger, it takes batteries not a charger, and it doesn't light up, which is a pain in a dark car. But it's perfect for BH. All is great and peaceful in our household right?
Wrong! JM thinks that BH's little Game Boy is better because it has a head phone jack. I say to him over and over and over and over and over........again that it isn't. That was the bickering all the way across Oregon. I gave up.
I did notice JM handing BH his newer Game Boy in the car. I noticed BH can very easily interchange the games, turn them on and off, knows the point of the games, etc. Freaks me out, what a little two year old brain can do.
Now today, BH is playing with the newer Game Boy, and JM wants it back. We have now had the discussion that since he's been handing it to BH for two days, he has communicated to BH that he can play with it. And who needs to take responsibility for that?
Except for that little discussion....I think the Game Boy arguing is starting to settle down. I am not kidding, I was ready to throw them out on the freeway on Tuesday. It was hideous.
All this because I wanted to reward my oldest. I wanted him to earn something he really wanted. I wanted that to stay his special toy, so I got a diversion for the youngest. Lord, help me.
JM has friends who have one. He wants one. I do the research all of us mommies are good at. I am impressed that about 95% of Game Boy games are appropriate for young kids. I am impressed that the interchangeable games can easily be bought used for $4-$7 dollars. I am impressed that I don't have to buy a huge game system and earn a degree in the workings of the back of my TV to get it to work with my satellite dish.
So JM earns one. He has worked hard for several months at chores, extra chores, behaving, etc. It was a point system and he had to earn 100 points. Each chore was a point. Yes, he worked hard. I have been so proud of him. This has been a great lesson in working and earning towards something.
Sounds like I had everything planned out right? Who knew a two year old could pick up a Game Boy and use it? I sure as heck didn't. So BH has been "borrowing it" in the loving, nasty, giggly, demanding way that two year olds do. I have felt bad for JM because he worked his tail end off for this thing that truly is his.
I had a conversation with my friend, B, about all of this a few months back, and she mentioned that since all of her kids have graduated to DS's (those are the upgrade from a Game Boy, and they have little stylus's and will eventually make Game Boy's obsolete--that is what they are playing with in the picture) I should have called her first before I bought one. When I went and visited her a few days ago , I asked if I could still take her up on her same offer.
My thinking was, let's get BH a Game Boy that he can beat up. I haven't spent $100 on it, and it will hopefully ease the arguing. She is so gracious and gives us a dated Game Boy. It looks different, it's bigger, it takes batteries not a charger, and it doesn't light up, which is a pain in a dark car. But it's perfect for BH. All is great and peaceful in our household right?
Wrong! JM thinks that BH's little Game Boy is better because it has a head phone jack. I say to him over and over and over and over and over........again that it isn't. That was the bickering all the way across Oregon. I gave up.
I did notice JM handing BH his newer Game Boy in the car. I noticed BH can very easily interchange the games, turn them on and off, knows the point of the games, etc. Freaks me out, what a little two year old brain can do.
Now today, BH is playing with the newer Game Boy, and JM wants it back. We have now had the discussion that since he's been handing it to BH for two days, he has communicated to BH that he can play with it. And who needs to take responsibility for that?
Except for that little discussion....I think the Game Boy arguing is starting to settle down. I am not kidding, I was ready to throw them out on the freeway on Tuesday. It was hideous.
All this because I wanted to reward my oldest. I wanted him to earn something he really wanted. I wanted that to stay his special toy, so I got a diversion for the youngest. Lord, help me.
Aug 21, 2007
Candle Road Tour
Just got back today from a trip basically across the state of Oregon. Took the kids with me to visit friends, have some candle parties, and visit. It was totally fun, but the kids fried out in the end.
On the way home and the kids were arguing relentlessly about the Game Boy games, I took a moment to watch the scenery (or delve into denial, take your pick). While fully utilizing the cruise control, I snapped photos with the digital camera. I will show you a few, keep in mind, I took hundreds more, that is photography at 65 mph, there will be some lemons.
Started off in the Rogue River Valley. Didn't discover until after a rest stop that I needed to use the sports function that took pictures better while in motion. So just remember the movie "River Wild" with Meryl Streep and Kevin Bacon from the 90's, it was filmed there. Very rugged country, lots of fast streams, and beautiful. I caught one picture that is okay. It has the clouds coming over the mountain. On a clear day, you see rolling mountains for miles. Stunning at sunset. I got a few.
I love the state of Oregon. I grew up in Colorado and I love it there too, but the stalker lives there. Through my amateur photo journalism, I will take you on a summary tour of Oregon, because I drove almost the whole length of it today.
I just noticed that I downloaded these in chronologically the opposite order. So feel free to start from the bottom and go up on the captions. I am thoroughly fried, and don't want to do that all over again.
Remember I said blackberries grow wild in Oregon? Here is the I-5 median covered with them. If you could see better, you would see huge blackberries dripping off of the canes. They are in full season right now.
Developers seem to ruin the landscape.
Fruit trees, one of Oregon's many harvests.
You can feel it, fruit harvest is coming soon and the farmers are getting ready. This semi has a load of fruit bins typically used for apples.
The Albany paper mill. It is smells so putrid driving through, it's disgusting.
Grape vines. Oregon's wineries are recognized world wide and have given California wineries a run for their money.
More wineries.
We are in a 50 mph section of I-5. It's hard to go from 70 to 50, but this news station did a report a few months ago about how stiff the fines were for speeding through this very section of interstate. Then this guy goes whizzing by me at about 70.
The Willamette Valley. Would love to own a farm backed up to the hills.
Once you are outside of the cities (Portland, Salem, Eugene, etc) Oregon becomes very rural and agricultural very quickly. 
It is harvest time.
Finally! Sleep! Quiet! Sleep away the grouchies!
The beginning of our trip in the Rogue River Valley. 
About the only decent shot I got of the hills.
A picture postcard farm.
Blackberries, everywhere. This bunch has been sprayed with poison.
Again, very rural very quickly once you're out of the city.
On the way home and the kids were arguing relentlessly about the Game Boy games, I took a moment to watch the scenery (or delve into denial, take your pick). While fully utilizing the cruise control, I snapped photos with the digital camera. I will show you a few, keep in mind, I took hundreds more, that is photography at 65 mph, there will be some lemons.
Started off in the Rogue River Valley. Didn't discover until after a rest stop that I needed to use the sports function that took pictures better while in motion. So just remember the movie "River Wild" with Meryl Streep and Kevin Bacon from the 90's, it was filmed there. Very rugged country, lots of fast streams, and beautiful. I caught one picture that is okay. It has the clouds coming over the mountain. On a clear day, you see rolling mountains for miles. Stunning at sunset. I got a few.
I love the state of Oregon. I grew up in Colorado and I love it there too, but the stalker lives there. Through my amateur photo journalism, I will take you on a summary tour of Oregon, because I drove almost the whole length of it today.
I just noticed that I downloaded these in chronologically the opposite order. So feel free to start from the bottom and go up on the captions. I am thoroughly fried, and don't want to do that all over again.
Remember I said blackberries grow wild in Oregon? Here is the I-5 median covered with them. If you could see better, you would see huge blackberries dripping off of the canes. They are in full season right now.
Developers seem to ruin the landscape.
Fruit trees, one of Oregon's many harvests.
You can feel it, fruit harvest is coming soon and the farmers are getting ready. This semi has a load of fruit bins typically used for apples.
The Albany paper mill. It is smells so putrid driving through, it's disgusting.
Grape vines. Oregon's wineries are recognized world wide and have given California wineries a run for their money.
More wineries.
We are in a 50 mph section of I-5. It's hard to go from 70 to 50, but this news station did a report a few months ago about how stiff the fines were for speeding through this very section of interstate. Then this guy goes whizzing by me at about 70.
The Willamette Valley. Would love to own a farm backed up to the hills.
Once you are outside of the cities (Portland, Salem, Eugene, etc) Oregon becomes very rural and agricultural very quickly. 
It is harvest time.
Finally! Sleep! Quiet! Sleep away the grouchies!
The beginning of our trip in the Rogue River Valley. See the rolling hills through the overcast skies.
About the only decent shot I got of the hills.
A picture postcard farm.
Blackberries, everywhere. This bunch has been sprayed with poison.
Again, very rural very quickly once you're out of the city. I want to thank my good friend B, for letting myself and kids overtake her home for a couple of days. She is part of my girlfriend network, and I love her dearly. We had a great time and we'll see her again soon. Hope you got some rest today as well. Our kids really wiped each other out. Her backyard looks out across hills like these, and it adds a bit of peace to a hectic schedule. Thank you!
Also thank you to B for letting me entertain my friend, Tracy and her husband, in her home. You can link to Tracy's blog on my list of blogs. I haven't seen her in years, and have never met her husband. I have been dying to meet him and it was nothing short of an honor to meet him and enjoy their company at B's kitchen table for a few hours.
I did give both B and Tracy a bit of my harvest. Several jars of jam, blackberries and 18 eggs were divided up. And Tracy was so nice to give us some huge cucumbers and yummy cherry tomatoes. Thank you Tracy!
I told B this morning "I don't know why this trip seemed more hectic." She said it was because I was working, and I disagreed at first, but now I think she has a point. I did do some candle parties, and I am good at setting it aside, but it was just enough added onto the whole trip it did make it hectic. I have more candle parties in the future and will make a point to protect against that.
I had too much fun today watching the scenery. I will make a point to watch it going to my destination instead of heading home. I promise to let God's artistry soak in and give me a mental spa treatment instead of being a bit too task oriented.
I still had a fun trip. Thank you to those who contributed!
PS See Tracy's comment under "Proud Marine". I think the eggs were a hit.
Aug 18, 2007
Proud Marine
Give this man a hand. My understanding is he did this video for a friend to show his parents why he enlisted.
Aug 17, 2007
Aug 16, 2007
Adoption's questions...
I love being an adoptive mom. I know it's a calling from God for me. I have to be careful when I start a post on adoption because it becomes huge quickly. I have so many thoughts, beliefs, knowledge, questions people have asked me, etc. It's hard to compartmentalize them.I met a woman last weekend at a candle party kind of far from my home, and it turns out she lives right down the street from us. She had a few questions about adoption because it is something she and her husband and are considering. I meet people at this point in their lives all the time. Unfortunately, many people don't move from "thinking about it" to putting a verb on it and "doing it." Understandably, that is a leap, and we all know that those can be scary. From my impression of her, she's a verb kind of a gal. I also pointed her to this blog because of the resources I put in it.
Here are my bullet thoughts on whether anyone should go from "thinking" to "doing".
1) Infertility. If you are considering adoption because of infertility issues, good for you! It's a great option, and I daresay, a better option financially. Since the accepted cost for one IVF treatment is about $10,000-the same price for a minority adoption in the United States, it is more cost effective with a better guarantee than the accepted 10% success rate of an IVF procedure.
2) Infertility. If you have decided after all the infertility procedures, you're ready for adoption. You need to grieve the loss of your fertility. You will need to grieve that your children will not come from your body, whether you're the mom or the dad. You need to grieve that you will not experience pregnancy and childbirth. You will need to grieve that your children will not look like you. As a woman, you will need to run the gamut of feelings along the lines of, "My body is broken and doesn't work right. I am still a woman." You need to grieve there for awhile. If you actually know it's your husband's fertility issue, you need to grieve that for awhile.
If you're like us, and about 70% of all infertile couples, you will never find out the reason why. There is absolutely no reason why my husband and I can't produce children. Trust me, we've had the plumbing checked more than should be allowed. We do know that God's purpose for us as parents, is to be adoptive parents. There is extreme confidence and comfort in that.
3) Financial. I get asked all the time how expensive it is. Here is where this post can get lengthy. You can spend a lot of money on adoption, I grant you that. I recommend two ways to adopt "cheap" and one big financial resource.
a) Adopt a minority baby/child from America. You will find that scenario to be one of the cheapest adoptions. You don't have international fees, visas, travel, etc. And there are a lot of babies available, so you won't wait nearly as long. Please see my link to Heritage Adoption Services. They also work with military families in Europe! Nice huh?
b) Haiti. Although the country is piling a bit of red tape onto adoptions, it is one of the cheapest international adoptions. I know several other African countries are opening up but I hesitate to recommend any one of them because political unrest in those countries turns on a dime. (Ask Madonna, she adopted from a country with no adoption policy.) As political as Haiti can get, even in the middle of a coup, they adopt their kids out.
c) Tax credit! The year that you take custody of your awesome child, you get a one time $10,000 tax credit and can claim a dependent. So you take out a loan, and then you pay it back. Adoption workers scream about that credit from the top of rooftops, and it doesn't seem to reach the masses. So I am adding to that voice. That $10,000 is a huge difference whether a family can adopt or not.
4) Emotional. If anyone was around our family two years ago when we had just a mess going on with adoption, you know is can take a huge toll. I don't want to give any more time and effort to that mess, but suffice it to say, we had to dig deep to find it in our guts to continue the process of adopting our second child. I have only ever been to that complete end of my emotional rope once ever in my life before, and it's not good. I thank God for the support of specific friends and family who really picked me and put me on my feet. It was a bad time.
So, if you are going (see the verb?) to adopt. Here is my pep talk--put on your courage.
It can be a rough road. So can childbirth. I have a friends who have had two pregnancies end in stillbirth just recently. Childbirth has it's own set of risks for losing children. I say that because I am told all the time, "Childbirth seems easier." Ask anyone who has had a complicated C-section and a stillbirth, not so. Life is risky. Some of the best blessings in life come from doing something just a bit risky, and honestly, adoption is fairly low risk.
You are one of the heads of your family. You are going into this process to assemble your family, fight for your family, and be in charge of your family. Don't let adoption workers railroad you (I can think of three who railroaded me, and I paid dearly for it). You need to speak up if you are feeling at all like you are being taken for granted, not listened to, or just plain stepped on. It happens. Honestly, I have about five adoption workers that I trust inherently, and know they are watching my back. They all work for Heritage Adoption Services. Don't trust everyone in the process. Ask lots of questions, and make sure you have clarity on everything.
5) Humor. All processes like this need humor. In the middle of the mess two years ago, I was able to find it. I was in Hawaii, getting ready to come home, when a caseworker called me and asked if they could show our profile to a birthfamily. My answer, "Sure! Show it to the homeless guy on the street as you walk across the parking lot as well!" She had no response to that, except to say she would take that as a yes to show the birth family. Sure enough, that was BH's birth family.
In the whole humor category, you need to find humorous answers to platitudes. Here is a sampling of what I hear almost weekly:
"Now that you have adopted children, do you still want to have real children?"
"JM and BH, are very real. They are not imaginary."
"You got off easy! You didn't have to go through childbirth!"
"No, my scars are much more hidden than that. Trust me, I have gone through pain to adopt."
"Now that you have adopted, watch, you'll get pregnant."
There is no humor to this one. After all I have written here, I think we can all agree that statement is really misguided, yet well intentioned, yet painful too. Basically, I have grieved that loss. I am not and cannot hope in my body anymore. We all know someone who adopted and had an "oops" pregnancy. Realistically, it happens to about 8% of adoptive parents. That is too low for anyone to hope in. We have all seen what crazy people we women become when we're in the throws of infertility treatment--I can't go there ever again. Oh my word, that is a completely different post by itself.
6) We'll do it again. Yes, after all of that, we will probably adopt again. Why? Because there is nothing more fulfilling than to have tiny little arms squeeze you around the neck, run their fingers in your hair and say, "I yuv you, Momma, mo mush!"
There is nothing better than watching as you child's eyes light up as they realize they can read. Or ride a bike without training wheels for the first time. Or swim with their face in the water. Watching them score eight goals at the last soccer game of the season. There is nothing better than celebrating their milestones as they grow and mature.
I'll endure pain anyday to celebrate life with my children, current and future ones.
Aug 14, 2007
Defanging the beast
Here is my opinion on my stalker, and then I will tell you how I am defanging the beast. She has stalked me for years, and it is truly a mystery why. When I was younger, I was quite afraid of her. I don't know why, but I was. It's not like she could hurt me. But I need to catch myself when I say that, she had hurt me plenty and I am sure the fear was that she would do it again. Those were all fresh wounds back then.
There is so much history here, everyone, you honestly would be bored to tears-I am trying to keep this brief. Feel free to skip this post--if you want. However, I know my living with this has struck a cord with a few of my friends who have the same kind of person in their life. This is my journey for you.
I came to a conclusion a few years back. Truth in light. My stalker gains and had gained power over others most of my life by keeping secrets. I know we can all claim we come from dysfunctional families, but honestly, if you look at the actual psychology book definition--family secrets are a definite marker. Power gained by secrets is huge.
Another conclusion. When someone keeps secrets like that, it's with a shroud of shame. So add that to the secret keeping, and what happens is someone has power over you with shame. That is incredibly powerful, and once I decided to live with truth in the light and no secrets, it took the fear out of my stalker.
As an example, this is what my stalker does to my cousin-in-law. His name is LN. When I was 12, LN lived next door to us. And he was a punk. My brother and I had a love/hate relationship with LN. One day LN would play with us for a whole afternoon and it would be great--the next day he would vandalize our house. It was odd, and I think if we took a family poll, we would all agree that we never fully turned our back on LN back then.
Obviously, LN has grown up. He married my cousin, JN. I know, we all had to make a shift there. LN is no longer a punk. He is a man who supports his wife and children and is a stellar person. Honestly, since I stay away from my home town, I haven't seen him much since high school but from what the family gossip is telling me--sterling dude. I also get jealous because I also hear he does great carpentry work, but I digress. (see my post about my husband) So we all grew up and like the majority of our childhood nemesis', he grew up too.
Picture this--the whole family (without me, of course) sitting around Thanksgiving dinner. My cousin and LN. My stalker. My stalker's siblings. Another cousin with his wife. And all the kids. The chit chat is everywhere. Here is where the stalker makes her mark:
"Isn't this great? You kids all grew up so much! I can't believe it! Sometimes, JN, I can't believe you married LN. Remember, LN, when you were a kid and lived next door? That was an adventure. Remember how every Christmas, you would vandalize our house and break all the Christmas house lights we had? Oh yeah, we would find them smashed on the street in front of your house in the morning. I know you were only 12, but you think you would have been smarter to smash them somewhere else......" And on and on and on.
Meanwhile, LN is mortified and trying to use his super powers to disappear. The stalker is saying this in front of his kids! He is paralyzed with shame. Why? Because he doesn't advertise to everyone what a jerk he was as a kid, it could almost be called a secret. And my stalker knows that secret, and she just wielded the power of secrets and shame. She just took one of LN's most embarrassing and shameful moments and made it foder for conversation at Thanksgiving dinner in front of his wife's family in one paragraph. Amazing huh? That is what she is good at.
Think of something shameful and embarrassing from your past. Something that every time you think of it, you cringe inside. We all have them, including the stalker. Now imagine someone making that dinner table conversation in front of your in laws. And they do it all the time!
I do feel for LN. I am sure he goes to family events with my stalker, and just tries to steer clear. He does not look forward to family events I am sure of it. Can you also see why the high school reunion was such a concern?
Imagine someone doing that to you when you're eight years old. Painful, hurtful. So confusing why this person who is supposed to love, protect, guide and nurture would do that to you. That was my childhood, because this is constant behavior for the stalker.
Here is where I will defang the beast--no more secrets! I think her attempts to stalk me are to find information on me so she can shame me. I don't live there anymore. Shame on her for controlling people and hurting them so deeply. Truly, the only one she is embarrassing is herself. How many times have people said, "I can't believe she is saying that about her own family member!" No more secrets--just truth. I don't care what the truth is she wants to shame me with either.
I don't give a rip what information she knows about me. I don't care if she "finds out" I have a blog. I don't care if she knows I have adopted 54 kids. I don't care if she knows my address or phone number. I don't care if she knows all my childhood shameful secrets. I don't care what knowledge she has--it doesn't matter. Still not allowed to call me, visit me, see me. It's really the same as it's always been.
Can you tell I am somewhat writing this to the stalker? Yep. She would say, "Ha! I found your blog! I know your secret!"
My response, "HA! I lead you to the trap and I sprung it on you. I lead you right to it! Ha!" I have confirmation that she took a piece of bait that I put in one of my posts especially for her. She took it hook, line and sinker. I learned manipulation from the best. Brownie points if you can find it--she sure did.
That is what we do and have done for 17 years. Stupid isn't it?
How did this all start? Let me defang the beast again. Way back in October of 1990--we were cat and mousing it again. She had sent me an Easter gift months before. One of her kicks--you must send a thank you note, no exceptions. Okay, but she will send you a gift for Arbor Day to twist your arm to send a thank you note. It becomes manipulative and sick. Me, being the rebel, I didn't send a note, hee hee!! So by October, she is really hunting me down.
Aside--one time I did send a thank you note. She photocopied it and sent it back with her grammatical and critical corrections. Stupid huh? Don't send a thank you to her--it's a booby trap! Back to the story.....
She called me at like 6 am in the morning (cat caught the mouse sleeping) and we start into it. "You always send a thank you." "No you don't." "Yes, you do."
Aside here--I had done my homework. Long story short, I knew we had resources for free therapy/counseling for about six months.
I say, "Okay, stop. This has to stop. I am tired of our relationship being constant fighting. This is the only way we relate to each other. I am tired of it."
Silence.
"I won't continue this way for the rest of my life. We have a choice, either we get counseling, or we don't have a relationship." (This is so burned in my memory, you have no idea.)
"But, AM, counseling is very expensive and I don't have that kind of money."
I reveal to her that I know, and I know that she knows, we have free counseling available to us. Suddenly I am not so mousy anymore.
She says quietly, "I don't want counseling."
I say, "Then you know what you're saying?"
"Yes."
"Well then goodbye."
"Goodbye."
I still live under that agreement--that she agreed to.
How much that hurt way back then to realize my own flesh and blood would rather continue on a path of yuck--than to grow, change and have a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with me. That was a painful truth to absorb. Fortunately or unfortunately--I am not sure--it has become a blessing. Because this person continues in this manner, I have a wonderful life, because she isn't in it.
This person will read this and their immediate reaction will be "How dare AM say that?" She will email a bunch of people, fishing for who knew about this, etc. Wouldn't it be nice if she just said, "She's right. I have been a mean beast, and I need to stop." I know her revenge efforts will continue. Someone in our family said to me recently, "No one rejects her without revenge." I know--I have lived it since 1990.
Because this is my journey of keeping truth in light, I will post just occasional things she does to pick at me. It isn't revenge. It's to bring her secret, stalking behavior that many of us have tolerated for years out into the light, it's not a secret anymore. I also plan to put the humor in this. At this point, this has become 17 years of preposterous and outlandish behavior, we need to laugh at it. Case in point, I'll let you know when LN has discovered how to become invisible. This just needs to become funny, because it's been stupid and silly for too long.
Also, I will not allow anonymous comments. Just because I am not sure if it is her and this blog is not for her to find ways to communicate with me. I encourage you, if you want to remain anonymous, maybe contact me first. Or just send it anonymously with a note to me, and I'll edit it. I want this blog to be for friends and family who know how to love, support, encourage, enjoy, live, etc. without strings attached and a nasty agenda.
"These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgement in your courts; do not plot evil against your neighbor, and do not to swear falsely. I hate all this, declares the Lord." Zechariah 8:16-17
Jesus talking about false people/false prophets in our lives and warning the disciples about them...."Thus by their fruit you will recognize them." Matthew 7:20
There is so much history here, everyone, you honestly would be bored to tears-I am trying to keep this brief. Feel free to skip this post--if you want. However, I know my living with this has struck a cord with a few of my friends who have the same kind of person in their life. This is my journey for you.
I came to a conclusion a few years back. Truth in light. My stalker gains and had gained power over others most of my life by keeping secrets. I know we can all claim we come from dysfunctional families, but honestly, if you look at the actual psychology book definition--family secrets are a definite marker. Power gained by secrets is huge.
Another conclusion. When someone keeps secrets like that, it's with a shroud of shame. So add that to the secret keeping, and what happens is someone has power over you with shame. That is incredibly powerful, and once I decided to live with truth in the light and no secrets, it took the fear out of my stalker.
As an example, this is what my stalker does to my cousin-in-law. His name is LN. When I was 12, LN lived next door to us. And he was a punk. My brother and I had a love/hate relationship with LN. One day LN would play with us for a whole afternoon and it would be great--the next day he would vandalize our house. It was odd, and I think if we took a family poll, we would all agree that we never fully turned our back on LN back then.
Obviously, LN has grown up. He married my cousin, JN. I know, we all had to make a shift there. LN is no longer a punk. He is a man who supports his wife and children and is a stellar person. Honestly, since I stay away from my home town, I haven't seen him much since high school but from what the family gossip is telling me--sterling dude. I also get jealous because I also hear he does great carpentry work, but I digress. (see my post about my husband) So we all grew up and like the majority of our childhood nemesis', he grew up too.
Picture this--the whole family (without me, of course) sitting around Thanksgiving dinner. My cousin and LN. My stalker. My stalker's siblings. Another cousin with his wife. And all the kids. The chit chat is everywhere. Here is where the stalker makes her mark:
"Isn't this great? You kids all grew up so much! I can't believe it! Sometimes, JN, I can't believe you married LN. Remember, LN, when you were a kid and lived next door? That was an adventure. Remember how every Christmas, you would vandalize our house and break all the Christmas house lights we had? Oh yeah, we would find them smashed on the street in front of your house in the morning. I know you were only 12, but you think you would have been smarter to smash them somewhere else......" And on and on and on.
Meanwhile, LN is mortified and trying to use his super powers to disappear. The stalker is saying this in front of his kids! He is paralyzed with shame. Why? Because he doesn't advertise to everyone what a jerk he was as a kid, it could almost be called a secret. And my stalker knows that secret, and she just wielded the power of secrets and shame. She just took one of LN's most embarrassing and shameful moments and made it foder for conversation at Thanksgiving dinner in front of his wife's family in one paragraph. Amazing huh? That is what she is good at.
Think of something shameful and embarrassing from your past. Something that every time you think of it, you cringe inside. We all have them, including the stalker. Now imagine someone making that dinner table conversation in front of your in laws. And they do it all the time!
I do feel for LN. I am sure he goes to family events with my stalker, and just tries to steer clear. He does not look forward to family events I am sure of it. Can you also see why the high school reunion was such a concern?
Imagine someone doing that to you when you're eight years old. Painful, hurtful. So confusing why this person who is supposed to love, protect, guide and nurture would do that to you. That was my childhood, because this is constant behavior for the stalker.
Here is where I will defang the beast--no more secrets! I think her attempts to stalk me are to find information on me so she can shame me. I don't live there anymore. Shame on her for controlling people and hurting them so deeply. Truly, the only one she is embarrassing is herself. How many times have people said, "I can't believe she is saying that about her own family member!" No more secrets--just truth. I don't care what the truth is she wants to shame me with either.
I don't give a rip what information she knows about me. I don't care if she "finds out" I have a blog. I don't care if she knows I have adopted 54 kids. I don't care if she knows my address or phone number. I don't care if she knows all my childhood shameful secrets. I don't care what knowledge she has--it doesn't matter. Still not allowed to call me, visit me, see me. It's really the same as it's always been.
Can you tell I am somewhat writing this to the stalker? Yep. She would say, "Ha! I found your blog! I know your secret!"
My response, "HA! I lead you to the trap and I sprung it on you. I lead you right to it! Ha!" I have confirmation that she took a piece of bait that I put in one of my posts especially for her. She took it hook, line and sinker. I learned manipulation from the best. Brownie points if you can find it--she sure did.
That is what we do and have done for 17 years. Stupid isn't it?
How did this all start? Let me defang the beast again. Way back in October of 1990--we were cat and mousing it again. She had sent me an Easter gift months before. One of her kicks--you must send a thank you note, no exceptions. Okay, but she will send you a gift for Arbor Day to twist your arm to send a thank you note. It becomes manipulative and sick. Me, being the rebel, I didn't send a note, hee hee!! So by October, she is really hunting me down.
Aside--one time I did send a thank you note. She photocopied it and sent it back with her grammatical and critical corrections. Stupid huh? Don't send a thank you to her--it's a booby trap! Back to the story.....
She called me at like 6 am in the morning (cat caught the mouse sleeping) and we start into it. "You always send a thank you." "No you don't." "Yes, you do."
Aside here--I had done my homework. Long story short, I knew we had resources for free therapy/counseling for about six months.
I say, "Okay, stop. This has to stop. I am tired of our relationship being constant fighting. This is the only way we relate to each other. I am tired of it."
Silence.
"I won't continue this way for the rest of my life. We have a choice, either we get counseling, or we don't have a relationship." (This is so burned in my memory, you have no idea.)
"But, AM, counseling is very expensive and I don't have that kind of money."
I reveal to her that I know, and I know that she knows, we have free counseling available to us. Suddenly I am not so mousy anymore.
She says quietly, "I don't want counseling."
I say, "Then you know what you're saying?"
"Yes."
"Well then goodbye."
"Goodbye."
I still live under that agreement--that she agreed to.
How much that hurt way back then to realize my own flesh and blood would rather continue on a path of yuck--than to grow, change and have a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with me. That was a painful truth to absorb. Fortunately or unfortunately--I am not sure--it has become a blessing. Because this person continues in this manner, I have a wonderful life, because she isn't in it.
This person will read this and their immediate reaction will be "How dare AM say that?" She will email a bunch of people, fishing for who knew about this, etc. Wouldn't it be nice if she just said, "She's right. I have been a mean beast, and I need to stop." I know her revenge efforts will continue. Someone in our family said to me recently, "No one rejects her without revenge." I know--I have lived it since 1990.
Because this is my journey of keeping truth in light, I will post just occasional things she does to pick at me. It isn't revenge. It's to bring her secret, stalking behavior that many of us have tolerated for years out into the light, it's not a secret anymore. I also plan to put the humor in this. At this point, this has become 17 years of preposterous and outlandish behavior, we need to laugh at it. Case in point, I'll let you know when LN has discovered how to become invisible. This just needs to become funny, because it's been stupid and silly for too long.
Also, I will not allow anonymous comments. Just because I am not sure if it is her and this blog is not for her to find ways to communicate with me. I encourage you, if you want to remain anonymous, maybe contact me first. Or just send it anonymously with a note to me, and I'll edit it. I want this blog to be for friends and family who know how to love, support, encourage, enjoy, live, etc. without strings attached and a nasty agenda.
"These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgement in your courts; do not plot evil against your neighbor, and do not to swear falsely. I hate all this, declares the Lord." Zechariah 8:16-17
Jesus talking about false people/false prophets in our lives and warning the disciples about them...."Thus by their fruit you will recognize them." Matthew 7:20
Aug 13, 2007
It's still funny...
Okay, I am sitting here and I remember something that happened to me last month and it still makes me laugh. Let me set it up. I was in Houston at my company's national conference. It is silly early in the morning and I am standing in line at Starbucks. The perky woman behind me reads my name badge and here's how it went:
Woman, "You're AMG from Oregon?"
Me, "Yes." I am instantly annoyed because it's so early (not a morning person remember) and she's asking me a question that can be gained empirically on my namebadge--in fact, she is parroting it to me as though I don't know what it says.
Woman, "They have Unit Leaders in Oregon?" I am a Unit Leader in my company, it says so on my name badge as well.
My response, "Yes, and we have running water and indoor plumbing as well."
Woman, "You're AMG from Oregon?"
Me, "Yes." I am instantly annoyed because it's so early (not a morning person remember) and she's asking me a question that can be gained empirically on my namebadge--in fact, she is parroting it to me as though I don't know what it says.
Woman, "They have Unit Leaders in Oregon?" I am a Unit Leader in my company, it says so on my name badge as well.
My response, "Yes, and we have running water and indoor plumbing as well."
Aug 12, 2007
The Girlfriend Network
I love the Girlfriends.
I first got my the idea of the Girlfriends when I read the book, "The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth." I was in my early 20's back then getting geared up for pregnancy and childbirth. Needless to say, since adopting my kids, that book has no relevance to me. However, I truly enjoyed the humor. I recommend it for that. She was the first person to point out that if you place your face over the dishwasher right after running it, you have saved yourself a $100 facial.
I also liked the idea of the Girlfriend network. The premise is that she isn't a doctor, nor are her friends, but the Girlfriend network collectively has great, practical advice. By the way, does anyone notice that when Rachel is pregnant, she reads that book often?? ("Friends" reference there....)
While my husband had his nose to the grindstone with his master's degree, I developed my girlfriend network. I love it! I think we all need to encourage women in their post-high school days to develop a girlfriend network.
Some criteria:
No bad habits. Bad habits taint the Girlfriend network. It tends to spread. If one of the Girlfriends has a bad habit, have you noticed that all of them do?? Don't join that Girlfriend network.
Good taste in men. Must have a mature approach to men and how to date and marry them. The Girlfriend network relies heavily on this point. Most of us have married good men because the Girlfriends let us know they were good men. Not because we had an ounce of logical thinking since we were so twitterpated with them at the time. You need the reasonable thinking of the Girlfriends especially during mate choosing season. Unfortunately, many women haven't developed their network during this time. I lucked out and still got a good man. But we have all seen the consequences when a Girlfriend left on her own chooses for herself.
Must have a moral ground. My Girlfriend network is comprised of Christian women. I have lots of non-Christian Girlfriends, no doubt. I also listen to their advice, especially if they have lots of the other criteria. But my core Girlfriends, the inner circle, are Christians. Why? We share that common bond. If you worship something else, have moral ground on something else, make sure your core Girlfriend network does too. Make sure you have a moral ground of some kind, obviously I recommend Christianity.
Respect for the older Girlfriends. Yes, America has really lost this focus. Many cultures hold their elders in incredibly high regard because they are a fount of wisdom. It works! If we respect and listen to our older members, you will find they are a wealth of information and help. This sometimes doesn't always work with baby care. Sometimes 30 year old baby advice can seem strange. "You bet! We rubbed a little bit of cognac on the baby's gums to help with teething. Works like a charm!" Yes, I have been given that advice before, and I didn't follow it. But especially with men and relationships, the older Girlfriends are amazing women.
We watch out for each other, especially in college. Safety! Big time. I have one memory in college in particular where I sat by a toilet with a good friend while she threw up everything she had ever eaten or drank in her life. She was trying to get into a sorority and it was an initiation thing. I was incredibly worried about her safety because I knew she would be going somewhere strange, get drunk and have no one to watch her back. She was worried too, but wanted so badly to get into this thing. Anyway, I had someone bring her back to the dorm. He carried her over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes and I took it from there. Well, from the cold tiled floor of Nichols Dorm, third floor, west, University of Colorado 1987--all night long. We Girlfriends do that for each other--especially in college!
Be willing to give/take the tough advice. I have been given tough advice, and I was told some just lately. Hard to take, but I needed to hear it. That is the power of the Girlfriend network. The easy advice and helpful hints is fun--but the tough stuff is where we shine. We need to be able to hear it, and give it when necessary.
I was with a bunch of Girlfriends lately, and one gal has one of those husbands that does not help with the kids. It's like a cookie cutter. I can stereotype these guys right away, and the stereotype works! They pressure the wife to have the kids, she is reluctant, she gives in, and husband won't even change a diaper. Where it really grinds is when the Girlfriend wants an evening with her friends, and these exact words (no joke!) come out of his mouth, "Why do I get stuck babysitting?!"
Here was my tough Girlfriend advice to her, "Two things--it isn't babysitting. It's parenting. Second, it shouldn't be considered a chore to spend time with his own kids." I got a few amens for that.
Parenting. Since we become kind of like minded, we now have a network of parents. It's the "it takes a village" concept. I think there is wisdom in that, but Hillary Clinton is not in my network. Girlfriends don't accept adultery from their men. Sorry Hillary! But I digress....
We are great for parenting, hand me downs, play groups, car pools, church functions, potlucks, etc. While our kids are little, the Girlfriend network saves our sanity. So if your Girlfriend network doesn't have kids in it yet, hang in there, they will be coming soon. If you find yourself struggling with little kids, you need to hurry up and get your Girlfriend network together. Look at a playgroup at church, birthing class buddies, etc. This is when we as individuals are fragile and need each other's help. (FG in Southern California, I am talking to you!)
Note--sometimes Girlfriend networks go through a rocky time when the first Girlfriend has a baby. Babies rock our world at home and it can rock the Girlfriend network too. Hang in there! These are you lifetime friends! Don't let hormones and crying babies break up the network.
Men. We are a united front against the bad men. Not all men are bad, and I am not a feminist. I like men, and I like men a lot. But to add to what I started with the whole Hillary thing. We don't accept chronic, long term, destructive, treatment of the Girlfriends. Men, be warned. The Girlfriend network will not help you when that happens. As a Christian, that can be abuse, infidelity, pornography, etc. I am not talking about divorce, and that gets theological with my Girlfriends. I am talking practical. The Girlfriends will provide help and comfort and resources to Girlfriends needing a break from a man--especially if children are involved. Don't mess with the Girlfriends if you have cheated on one of them and she has birthed your babies.
I can't think of anymore right at this moment. But I am sure my Girlfriends who read this blog occasionally will start commenting. Please do! I think this could be fun.
I first got my the idea of the Girlfriends when I read the book, "The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth." I was in my early 20's back then getting geared up for pregnancy and childbirth. Needless to say, since adopting my kids, that book has no relevance to me. However, I truly enjoyed the humor. I recommend it for that. She was the first person to point out that if you place your face over the dishwasher right after running it, you have saved yourself a $100 facial.
I also liked the idea of the Girlfriend network. The premise is that she isn't a doctor, nor are her friends, but the Girlfriend network collectively has great, practical advice. By the way, does anyone notice that when Rachel is pregnant, she reads that book often?? ("Friends" reference there....)
While my husband had his nose to the grindstone with his master's degree, I developed my girlfriend network. I love it! I think we all need to encourage women in their post-high school days to develop a girlfriend network.
Some criteria:
No bad habits. Bad habits taint the Girlfriend network. It tends to spread. If one of the Girlfriends has a bad habit, have you noticed that all of them do?? Don't join that Girlfriend network.
Good taste in men. Must have a mature approach to men and how to date and marry them. The Girlfriend network relies heavily on this point. Most of us have married good men because the Girlfriends let us know they were good men. Not because we had an ounce of logical thinking since we were so twitterpated with them at the time. You need the reasonable thinking of the Girlfriends especially during mate choosing season. Unfortunately, many women haven't developed their network during this time. I lucked out and still got a good man. But we have all seen the consequences when a Girlfriend left on her own chooses for herself.
Must have a moral ground. My Girlfriend network is comprised of Christian women. I have lots of non-Christian Girlfriends, no doubt. I also listen to their advice, especially if they have lots of the other criteria. But my core Girlfriends, the inner circle, are Christians. Why? We share that common bond. If you worship something else, have moral ground on something else, make sure your core Girlfriend network does too. Make sure you have a moral ground of some kind, obviously I recommend Christianity.
Respect for the older Girlfriends. Yes, America has really lost this focus. Many cultures hold their elders in incredibly high regard because they are a fount of wisdom. It works! If we respect and listen to our older members, you will find they are a wealth of information and help. This sometimes doesn't always work with baby care. Sometimes 30 year old baby advice can seem strange. "You bet! We rubbed a little bit of cognac on the baby's gums to help with teething. Works like a charm!" Yes, I have been given that advice before, and I didn't follow it. But especially with men and relationships, the older Girlfriends are amazing women.
We watch out for each other, especially in college. Safety! Big time. I have one memory in college in particular where I sat by a toilet with a good friend while she threw up everything she had ever eaten or drank in her life. She was trying to get into a sorority and it was an initiation thing. I was incredibly worried about her safety because I knew she would be going somewhere strange, get drunk and have no one to watch her back. She was worried too, but wanted so badly to get into this thing. Anyway, I had someone bring her back to the dorm. He carried her over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes and I took it from there. Well, from the cold tiled floor of Nichols Dorm, third floor, west, University of Colorado 1987--all night long. We Girlfriends do that for each other--especially in college!
Be willing to give/take the tough advice. I have been given tough advice, and I was told some just lately. Hard to take, but I needed to hear it. That is the power of the Girlfriend network. The easy advice and helpful hints is fun--but the tough stuff is where we shine. We need to be able to hear it, and give it when necessary.
I was with a bunch of Girlfriends lately, and one gal has one of those husbands that does not help with the kids. It's like a cookie cutter. I can stereotype these guys right away, and the stereotype works! They pressure the wife to have the kids, she is reluctant, she gives in, and husband won't even change a diaper. Where it really grinds is when the Girlfriend wants an evening with her friends, and these exact words (no joke!) come out of his mouth, "Why do I get stuck babysitting?!"
Here was my tough Girlfriend advice to her, "Two things--it isn't babysitting. It's parenting. Second, it shouldn't be considered a chore to spend time with his own kids." I got a few amens for that.
Parenting. Since we become kind of like minded, we now have a network of parents. It's the "it takes a village" concept. I think there is wisdom in that, but Hillary Clinton is not in my network. Girlfriends don't accept adultery from their men. Sorry Hillary! But I digress....
We are great for parenting, hand me downs, play groups, car pools, church functions, potlucks, etc. While our kids are little, the Girlfriend network saves our sanity. So if your Girlfriend network doesn't have kids in it yet, hang in there, they will be coming soon. If you find yourself struggling with little kids, you need to hurry up and get your Girlfriend network together. Look at a playgroup at church, birthing class buddies, etc. This is when we as individuals are fragile and need each other's help. (FG in Southern California, I am talking to you!)
Note--sometimes Girlfriend networks go through a rocky time when the first Girlfriend has a baby. Babies rock our world at home and it can rock the Girlfriend network too. Hang in there! These are you lifetime friends! Don't let hormones and crying babies break up the network.
Men. We are a united front against the bad men. Not all men are bad, and I am not a feminist. I like men, and I like men a lot. But to add to what I started with the whole Hillary thing. We don't accept chronic, long term, destructive, treatment of the Girlfriends. Men, be warned. The Girlfriend network will not help you when that happens. As a Christian, that can be abuse, infidelity, pornography, etc. I am not talking about divorce, and that gets theological with my Girlfriends. I am talking practical. The Girlfriends will provide help and comfort and resources to Girlfriends needing a break from a man--especially if children are involved. Don't mess with the Girlfriends if you have cheated on one of them and she has birthed your babies.
I can't think of anymore right at this moment. But I am sure my Girlfriends who read this blog occasionally will start commenting. Please do! I think this could be fun.
Aug 11, 2007
Bullet Update
The Teva's arrived.
Quilts I have finally finished for our church's bazaar. Nice coat tree in the background huh?
Peek a boo just because he's so cute!
The next quilt I am working on.
The last day of summer camp with a celebratory ice cream cone.
Random thoughts I have had this week....
It's been an odd week. We have several things wrapping up, several things beginning, two family members in the hospital and now home, and on and on. This is the month where we start gearing up for school. My husband's school commitments are beginning as well as travel commitments. My business is also perking up since we all have fall/back to school on our mind. And then there is JM beginning school and fall soccer.
JM is going into first grade. I am not sure what I am going to do with myself since he will be gone all day. That will be strange and I don't know how I'll do with it. I think it will be good time for BH and I. But I am going to miss JM. I'll let you know the first day of school when I am blubbering at 2 pm.
And then BH just doesn't quit moving. I walk into their room this morning and BH is jumping on the bed airbanding with his guitar, JM is on the floor drumming and radio Disney is blaring. When I say "this morning" I mean 8 am. I am sooooooo not a morning person, and this is my family! They are perky, musical and drumming at 8 am! I am blind until I find caffeine.
If you think of it, please pray for our brother in law. He had an emergency appendectomy this week. It hadn't ruptured but it was sure close. He's had some alarming complications post-surgery and it's upsetting. He's went home today, but I still don't like some of his symptoms, and I don't think anyone else does either.
Stripping paint off the house. My husband is a trooper. He has done a lot of work on the back section of our peeling house. He has worked hard. Problem is, he gets grumpy when he is sore and achy, who doesn't? I need grumpy to go away.
I have been working on a big post I plan to post in the next few days. It needs to be said because my stalker is on the rampage. Just be forewarned--you have the right to ignore it. It's more of a communication between me and her because she has found my blog. It's put me in a poopy mood though. Dealing with her always does.
Banana bread in the oven right now. I signed up to bring treats for after church tomorrow and forgot about it until about 5 pm tonight. Good thing I have 3 1/2 over ripe bananas. Don't ask me how I got 1/2 a banana.....just go with it. Birthday party tomorrow JM is going to. Forgot to buy that gift and will be heading out the door early before church to remedy that.....remember, not a morning person......
It's been a strange week.
Aug 8, 2007
Thornless Blackberries
I moved to the Pacific Northwest years and years ago. I was absolutely stunned to find that blackberries, yummy blackberries, grow like weeds here--literally. People buy poison to kill it off. It is a pretty aggressive plant and can take over a whole field. Plus, it has the nastiest double edged thorn. Whenever I go into a field to pick them, I put on body armor and update my tetanus shot.
Not anymore! A few years ago, I found a seed catalogue that sold me a handful thornless blackberry plants. When they arrived, they looked like dead sticks you would use to start a fire with. I soaked them in buckets in my kitchen and had blackberry sprouts in a few days. That was two year ago. This year, we have full maturity. Here are some pictures I took today of our great results.
Here they are growing over the top of the chicken coop.
This is what happens when you compost the dead pumpkin from last year. You get more!
Our chickens just waiting for a berry to drop.
So close, yet so far!
They're getting ripe!
Two plants got fried in the heat. Check out the neighbor's nasty porch covering thing. One reason I put blackberries here. To cover that up.
But still managed to squeeze a few berries out.
Not anymore! A few years ago, I found a seed catalogue that sold me a handful thornless blackberry plants. When they arrived, they looked like dead sticks you would use to start a fire with. I soaked them in buckets in my kitchen and had blackberry sprouts in a few days. That was two year ago. This year, we have full maturity. Here are some pictures I took today of our great results.
Here they are growing over the top of the chicken coop.
This is what happens when you compost the dead pumpkin from last year. You get more!
Our chickens just waiting for a berry to drop.
So close, yet so far!
They're getting ripe!
Two plants got fried in the heat. Check out the neighbor's nasty porch covering thing. One reason I put blackberries here. To cover that up.
But still managed to squeeze a few berries out. This year, I haven't paid as much attention to them as I should have. The sun really got to them. That surprised me because the ones out in the fields just love the sun--that's what you get for using a hybrid. Anyway, next summer, I'll definitely make sure the sprinkler hits them.
So far, we have gone out and picked a few bowls of them for munching and putting on ice cream. I am sure next year I will be able to make jam. Not that I need any more jam. I do have jars and jars and jars of jam from years past when I did the body armor thing. But they are such yummy berries! They make great jam, cobblers, pies, breads (instead of blueberries), etc. Anything you might use raspberries for, try with blackberries.
Anyway, I told my retired father in law about my thornless blackberries and the gardening guru he is said, "Hmmm....that sounds like fun!" Score! Next birthday present for him! They have already been ordered!
The place I got them from http://www.gurneys.com/. Just type in blackberries, and check it out. They have them on sale right now--three plants for $4.99. You won't get them until next spring. They need to be dormant for them to be sent to you, and they are definitely not dormant right now. Just double check your zones. I truly recommend them for a fun plant to have in your garden.
Aug 7, 2007
I Love Kmart
Yes, I do. I saw their flyer last Sunday for boy's Wrangler and Route 66 jeans for $7.00 a pair.
I do not shop there for quality customer service, sparkling store, or prestige. The checker who rung me up last night had blue hair--I am not kidding! I told her I would see her in three months when my kid grew out of these jeans, she said to me, "I'll be here" with a half grin. Nor do I shop there often. Only when I find jeans at $7.00 a pair, so about two or three times a year.
JM is a big boy. He is six, but wears eights. Why? His birthfather is six four, and he inherited the NBA gene. I can't keep him in pants, honestly. This is a true scenario--one week, a pair of jeans fits him and the next time he wears them, they look like capris. No joke. One time I said to him very seriously, "JM, you need to stop growing. This is getting ridiculous." He gave me the most helpless look, and I gave him a hug and told him I was kidding. The running joke now is that he isn't obeying me in terms of stopping growing, he gets it now and joins the joking.
I think his current growth spurt has settled down for now. And we just got the back to school notice from his school along with the Kmart flyer.
You can see why I don't want to spend a ton of money on jeans. In three months, I'll have to do it again. Off to Kmart we go.
First thing--pile of Pepsi products in 2 liter bottles for .79 cents a bottle. Ummmm....nice! Because we all know that Diet Pepsi is my favorite and truly is the gold standard for which all diet sodas compare, right? I have already spent money, and haven't even gotten away from the entrance.
We pass the men's section to the boy's section. Men's polo shirts, nice polo shirts on clearance for $7.00. Nice! Picked up three of those for the hubbie. Again, haven't made it to boy's section yet, and I'm almost $30.00 into this excursion. We also pass the boys underwear section, and of course, good deals there. Had an incident last week with underwear too tight....suffice it to say, I want grandkids someday!! Sigh.....$40.00 into this and we're about five yards from the jeans!
We find the boy's section, and we find the golden jeans. We pick up several pair of them after JM tries them on. This whole time, BH is a whirling dervish around us. That is one nice thing about Kmart, the kids can act up without too much embarassment. Where's my husband? Good question. He's at home scraping paint off of our eighty year old house. Trust me, the NFL channel was not being utilized.
JM is asking me about the plastic security things on the pants that require the checker to take them off. I explain to him that is how they keep people from stealing them. He asks, "But we're going to buy them right? So how do we get them off?" We then have a discussion about how stores lose a lot of money because people steal things, etc. Good lesson in how to be a person of integrity, etc. We then walk through the store looking for security cameras and waving to them. All my years in retail helped that whole conversation.
Oh, on the way out....boy's long sleeved polo shirts for $7.00. Nice, grab some of those. JM found a tshirt on clearance with a skateboarder on it. Score for $4.00. Nothing for BH because he's wearing all this in four years. Getting my $7.00 worth out of these shirts and jeans!
"Momma, you say I am an eight, but I am six years old."
"You're right. You are a size eight but you're six years old."
"Cooooooool!"
I do not shop there for quality customer service, sparkling store, or prestige. The checker who rung me up last night had blue hair--I am not kidding! I told her I would see her in three months when my kid grew out of these jeans, she said to me, "I'll be here" with a half grin. Nor do I shop there often. Only when I find jeans at $7.00 a pair, so about two or three times a year.
JM is a big boy. He is six, but wears eights. Why? His birthfather is six four, and he inherited the NBA gene. I can't keep him in pants, honestly. This is a true scenario--one week, a pair of jeans fits him and the next time he wears them, they look like capris. No joke. One time I said to him very seriously, "JM, you need to stop growing. This is getting ridiculous." He gave me the most helpless look, and I gave him a hug and told him I was kidding. The running joke now is that he isn't obeying me in terms of stopping growing, he gets it now and joins the joking.
I think his current growth spurt has settled down for now. And we just got the back to school notice from his school along with the Kmart flyer.
You can see why I don't want to spend a ton of money on jeans. In three months, I'll have to do it again. Off to Kmart we go.
First thing--pile of Pepsi products in 2 liter bottles for .79 cents a bottle. Ummmm....nice! Because we all know that Diet Pepsi is my favorite and truly is the gold standard for which all diet sodas compare, right? I have already spent money, and haven't even gotten away from the entrance.
We pass the men's section to the boy's section. Men's polo shirts, nice polo shirts on clearance for $7.00. Nice! Picked up three of those for the hubbie. Again, haven't made it to boy's section yet, and I'm almost $30.00 into this excursion. We also pass the boys underwear section, and of course, good deals there. Had an incident last week with underwear too tight....suffice it to say, I want grandkids someday!! Sigh.....$40.00 into this and we're about five yards from the jeans!
We find the boy's section, and we find the golden jeans. We pick up several pair of them after JM tries them on. This whole time, BH is a whirling dervish around us. That is one nice thing about Kmart, the kids can act up without too much embarassment. Where's my husband? Good question. He's at home scraping paint off of our eighty year old house. Trust me, the NFL channel was not being utilized.
JM is asking me about the plastic security things on the pants that require the checker to take them off. I explain to him that is how they keep people from stealing them. He asks, "But we're going to buy them right? So how do we get them off?" We then have a discussion about how stores lose a lot of money because people steal things, etc. Good lesson in how to be a person of integrity, etc. We then walk through the store looking for security cameras and waving to them. All my years in retail helped that whole conversation.
Oh, on the way out....boy's long sleeved polo shirts for $7.00. Nice, grab some of those. JM found a tshirt on clearance with a skateboarder on it. Score for $4.00. Nothing for BH because he's wearing all this in four years. Getting my $7.00 worth out of these shirts and jeans!
"Momma, you say I am an eight, but I am six years old."
"You're right. You are a size eight but you're six years old."
"Cooooooool!"
Aug 5, 2007
Kids Shoes
A neighbor has a grandson a few years older than JM. That grandson is an only child and an only grandson. We get his hand me downs, and they are nice! When JM was four, they gave us a pair of Teva sandals. I would never spend the money on those. My reasoning was they cost more than a pair of my shoes! But we definitely took the hand me downs, and JM is just finishing his third summer with them. They were a bit big the first summer, and they are just perfect now.
I will now pay the money for expensive sandals. The first summer he wore them, he was just out of toddler age, and not too rough on them. They definitely got some wear and the pet's fur embedded into the Velcro, so they look unsightly. That is the icky pair pictured. He also had another pair that summer that got worn a few times.
The next summer, he wore them a lot. My sister in law thought they looked hideous with the nasty pet fur in the Velcro and bought him a new pair. They looked great and broke in about three weeks.
This summer. He has worn them out finally. The sole of one of them is cracking. I went out and bought some clearance sandals for both kids. Both pairs of those sandals are gone now. Straps have pulled out of the sole and the Velcro is not holding up, even on BH's and he's only two. He doesn't stop moving either.
Now my kids are not horrible to their belongings. They are boys. The skateboards, beach combing, running, and biking for hours on end are hard on any shoe. They are active.
So all in all, for the last three summers, I have forked out about $50.00 in cheap sandals. I am a convert. The Teva's are worth it.
I will now pay the money for expensive sandals. The first summer he wore them, he was just out of toddler age, and not too rough on them. They definitely got some wear and the pet's fur embedded into the Velcro, so they look unsightly. That is the icky pair pictured. He also had another pair that summer that got worn a few times.
The next summer, he wore them a lot. My sister in law thought they looked hideous with the nasty pet fur in the Velcro and bought him a new pair. They looked great and broke in about three weeks.
This summer. He has worn them out finally. The sole of one of them is cracking. I went out and bought some clearance sandals for both kids. Both pairs of those sandals are gone now. Straps have pulled out of the sole and the Velcro is not holding up, even on BH's and he's only two. He doesn't stop moving either.
Now my kids are not horrible to their belongings. They are boys. The skateboards, beach combing, running, and biking for hours on end are hard on any shoe. They are active.
So all in all, for the last three summers, I have forked out about $50.00 in cheap sandals. I am a convert. The Teva's are worth it.
I did it. I just went to www.teva.com, and because summer is coming to and end, they have some select ones on sale with free shipping in the $30 range. Yes, I just bought two pairs in bigger sizes for next summer, and I am not going to buy cheap sandals again.
So I recommend if you have the same longevity problem I had with sandals, I am definitely a believer in Teva's. I bought JM a pair of Hurricane's in Manzanita Azul (what a color description! sounds possessed!). Those are the exact pair he just wore out. I got BH a toddler version of Hurricane's in a funky Velocity Red.
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