Mother's Day Crafting

I haven't posted on here in FOREVER!  I pretty much quit posting on here since all my posts seemed to be focused on failing/failed marriage and that was just a downer.  It definitely was therapeutic in it's own, but eventually I was just repeating myself and being a downer.  Plus I just was a downer and didn't have much motivation to blog.

Life is similar but different for me now.

I saw these cool succulent planters on Groupon a while ago and thought how cool they were.

I thought they were kind of expensive though for what they were, and of course I am one of those that decided "Hey, I could make that!"  So with the help of my dad, I did for my mom, my grandmothers, and my sister for Mothers Day. This is how ours turned out.

Just as good, if not better, than the ones online!

That's all I have for today :)

10 Months.... Really?? Wow!

Oh my goodness!  Has it really been 10 months since my last post?  That is crazy!

In the grand scheme of things not much has changed since then.  I'm still working on projects around the house, still working at Creative Bioscience, still separated from Jon, and all of that same stuff.  Things are going well in life though.  I have come to terms with a lot of things going on and have worked a lot on myself and making myself happy.

Some highlights from the past year:

I crafted all of November and December for Christmas presents and for fun.

Jon competed in his first body building show in March.  He came in 3rd.  He worked so hard for it and definitely paid off.  I was very proud of his success.

I went back to school and finished up my Associates Degree.  It only took 10 years.  LOL.  This dress was one of my final projects.  I had to go to Target to take a picture of it because I don't have any full length mirrors at my house.  I was really pleased with how it turned out.

My parents took me to Chicago last month to celebrate school being done.  It was a cool city.  I felt like we did everything while we were there.  We saw lots of art, architecture, shopped, ate, went to the aquarium, walked a ton, rode bikes, etc.  It was fun.

The view down from the tallest building in the USA.

I bought some cute monsters at a street fair there.  I have started a new collection/hobby.  There are 16 of these and I think I need to collect them all.

And I've been working on my backyard more.  It is my warm weather relaxation station ;)

Painting the garage behind me this year.

My vegetable garden is taking off like crazy just like it did last year.  I've already had some strawberries and peas fresh from it.  My squash plants are growing like crazy so I'm sure I'll have more squash than I know what to do with soon.  And my radishes are just about ready to be pulled too.  Not much luck with my carrots, beats, and lettuce so far but there is still time for those to grow.

Jon helped me buy an aquarium for my birthday and I'm working on getting that all set up.  I am SO excited about it.  It's a salt water tank and I'm obsessed/in love with it.

So, life is good overall.  I'm just trying to enjoy myself and be happy.  I spend a lot of time with all my babies and that is always good for the soul.

A Daily Reminder to Love Your Partner

So, I think everyone that knows me, knows that I am pretty obsessed with Pinterest.  And like most Pinterest users, I think my eyes are usually more excited about projects than my motivation or time are.

Anyway, I saw this Pin a while ago: http://www.iloveitallwithmonikawright.com/2011/03/date-night.html and thought it looked like a fun idea but never really took time to do it because my relationship is still all over the place.  Jon and I are trying to work things out but we still aren't living together and we definitely have challenges.  So based off of that, I hesitate to do too much that is relationship-y because I don't really know where my relationship is going to be next week.

But, we were at a party last month and Jon was talking to one of my friends about how bad his memory is and how he seems to remember more bad than good in life.  Putting that in perspective of our current situation, it is easier for him to remember and to focus on the fights, bad days, etc than to remember all the good things, big or little.  That motivated me to work on creating a project that might help him keep the good in mind when sometimes it is hard to do.  

I spent a few weeks trying to figure out how to make a cute little book and to decide what I wanted to do exactly, but finally decided (and am happy with the decision) to get a calendar and use that for my book.  It's not as cute as one as the site above, but it will get the job done, and I hope it will help me to write something good every day, or at least every day that I see Jon.

I got a little calendar from the dollar store and some colored paper to add notes when things don't fit in the date provided.  I might cover the cover in fabric or something cute later but I might also leave it as it is and do one every year.  Leaving the years on the cover would make it easier to look back to specific years.

I have been saving ticket stubs and making notes of things we do for several weeks but the day planner section of my planner starts in August so I had to cover some of the pages before with my things I've been saving.

Blurry pictures from my phone.

For this day, my note didn't fit so I glued paper in the space, wrote what I wanted, and folded it to fit.

I haven't given this to Jon yet but I think even if I don't give it to him, or if things don't work out for us, it is a fun way spend a few minutes every day appreciating your partner and acknowledging it.  Too often we let life, work, family, school, social responsibilities, etc get in the way of our relationships and we take things for granted.  I know that I let that happen in my marriage and I want to make sure that I don't let that happen again.  This is a good way to pause all the distractions in life and think about what is really important and what makes us happy.  You could do it for any situation too.  If things don't work out with Jon, I might do one for myself where I just make note of things I did on a day or something I noticed/appreciated about the world, etc.  Would be fun to do for kids too and keep it as a diary of their childhood.

I have a couple of friends getting married in the next couple of weeks and am thinking about getting them stuff to make one but don't know if they would think that was a dumb gift.  Any thoughts there?

Utah Arts Festival

I went to the Utah Arts Festival with my mom on Sunday.  I was hesitant to go because I hate how crowded it usually is there.  It's usually packed, super hot, and just frustrating.  I love looking at the art, booths, etc, but the people stress me out.  But, we lucked out this year.  It was crowded but not overwhelmingly so, and it wasn't ridiculously hot.  There were some really cool things there this year too.  I think it's one of the best years I've been to.

I talked about jewelry and accessories from the festival on my fashion blog so I won't talk about them here, but I definitely have a bunch of other things that I want to share.

This was one of my favorite booths.  The pictures don't show scale but the above and below sculptures are actually pretty large.  The heart is probably 4 feet across.  The one below is probably 3 feet across.  These wall art pieces were made out of metal from cars, street signs, etc.  He doesn't paint or alter the metal to get colors or patterns.  They were really cool.  I'd love to have one of these pieces in my house somewhere.  You should check out his work: www.anthonyhansen.com.

These were really cool.  Another one of my favorite booths.  I wasn't smart enough to get their information though so IDK if they have a website.  I love these though.  They would be so cool to have in the yard.

Awesome abstract sculptures by Brianna Martray (www.BriannaMartray.com):

Fun paintings by Justin Hillgrove.  What got me into the booth were his fun paintings of well known characters, painted in his style, and with a different situation than you would imagine them in (see below):

But he also has "original" works of art as well.  The above are of course original, but I mean, not inspired by other peoples works.  They are really fun.  I love that they are whimsical and twisted all at the same time.  If you want to see more of his work, you should check out his website: www.impsandmonsters.com.

Lets see.... What else was fun...  I have a stack of business cards and a list of websites on my phone for stuff that I thought was cool.  LOL.

"Irrational Art" by Art by Fuhst was cool (www.artbyfuhst.com):

Oh!  I thought these were really cool:

They are batik.  I've always wanted to learn how to do it and this may be the motivation I need to actually try it.  Her booth was pretty cool.  You can see more of her work at: www.LisaUntitled.com.  I think batik is a super cool process.  Messy and tedious and I think those are why I haven't ever done it, but I will do it one day.  Maybe one day very soon.

And, let's share one more....

Amazing pen drawings www.Desaraelee.com.  These were really cool.  The internet doesn't do them justice.

Anyway, I had a great time out with my mom.  She's a lot of fun to hang out with.  And we saw some really cool things.  There were more neat booths but I think these were my favorites.

Projects Galore!

Life has been busy but overall I think life is going pretty well.  As I said in my last post, I've been working in my backyard a ton.

I finished painting the side of my neighbors garage and got some plants put in.

I've been weeding and ripping out plants like crazy.  I pulled out a ton of plants that were surrounding my grape vine.  Now it feels so sparse but I think it's good it'll have room to breath and grow.

My vegetables in my planter boxes are happy and growing well.  I can't wait to start getting some produce.

I got solar string lights to hang along the back of my house and along the side of my garage.  I'm pretty excited about them.  Weird thing to be excited about, I know, but I totally am.  LOL.

Jon and I have been working on things for a couple months now.  We still aren't living together but we are spending a lot more time together.  So, I decided to finally finish up the "Man Cave" that I started about a week before he left last year.  He hasn't seen the room yet so hopefully he doesn't read the blog before he sees it.  LOL.  I don't think he checks it as much anymore since I haven't been posting regularly.

The room is small so it's hard to get pictures but this one gives you a pretty good idea of it (and is the majority of the room).

His guitar and bass are hung up so if he ever wants to play them they are accessible.  Plus they make cool wall art.  The black is perfect for the black, white, and splashes of red of the room too :)

This wall is across from the sofa.  Not too exciting at the moment but I love the clock.  I need to put the switch plates back on over the outlets.  Should've done that before taking pictures (and that's all that's left for the room so I need to get them done).  LOL.  I have a TV stand for that wall too so if Jon moves back in he can have a game room.  I didn't assemble it and put it up now since it would be weird to have an empty TV stand sitting there.  Don't mind my messy, laundry/storage room outside of the cave.

The "Man Cave" is also the animal room.  So all our lovely little critters are in there too.  I've debated about painting the cages white so they match but haven't decided on that yet.  And that would be a pretty major project.  Those cages are heavy!  Want to know what's in the cages?  Top left is a Mexican King Snake, aquarium is assorted water turtles, middle are two Chinese Water Dragons, and bottom is where Coco (see below) lives for the time being.

I made my dad bow ties for Fathers Day.  You can read more about that on my fashion blog (www.AnUntraditionalFashionista.blogspot.com).  I was hoping to have a bunch of them for him but they turned out to be much more time consuming than I had anticipated (turning them right side out was the time problem child).  So, I only ended up with 3 completed ones for him but that's OK.  Maybe I'll make him more for Christmas.

These are 2 of the finished ones.  He was wearing the 3rd.  I can't for the life of me figure out how to tie a bow tie.  I've tied my dads on him once before and didn't have any problems but I can't do them without a person or else I would've tied them cute to give them to him.  Oh well.

This is my new little love Coco.  She is the sweetest bunny I have ever owned.  She's a dwarf so she won't get much bigger than she is now.  But she is so tame.  I will let her loose in the front room to run around and she'll come by and let me pet her.  She is fine with the dogs, even though they are crazy about her.

That's pretty much all that is new and exciting in my life at the moment.  I'm just working, working in the yard, trying to get my house clean and organized, and trying to spend as much time with all my loves (animal and human) as I can.  Can't complain too much about life right now :)

Busy, busy, bee

Work has been insane the last couple of weeks. It's finally slowed back down to normal again but it was intense there for a minute. We did about 6 weeks worth of work in 3 days. Crazy!

Despite all that, I have managed time to work on things at home:

I have a new patio in my backyard which I completely love.

I'm continuing on beautifying my backyard by painting the side of my neighbors garage that looks like it hasn't been touched in 10-15 years.

I cleaned my front porch and painted my rug because all the color had worn off.

More fun projects ahead too.... I want to build a pond. I bought a swing that needs a stand built for it. And the list is ever evolving. I love the results though. It feels so good to be making my house how I want it :)

I feel like since I've posted so much negative the last several months that I need to share more positive things.

Life is going pretty well right now.  The change in seasons and the warmer weather have helped my mood and attitude a ton.  I've been enjoying spending time outside in the garden and playing in the yard with the dogs and the tortoises.  Being in the yard has sort of become my zen.  Since I love being in the yard so much, I decided to renovate the backyard into more of a lounge type space that I can enjoy more.

This is what my backyard looked like when I moved in (not bad at all but nothing special):



And this is what it looks like at the moment:



We ripped out my deck and built awesome planter boxes out of it.  And my patio is going to be stone pavers and will go from the driveway to the fence so it'll be about 3 times as big as my deck was.  I'm very excited.  It will be nice to have room for my BBQ-er on the patio and have room for my patio set with room to scoot away from the table without falling off the deck.  I was hoping to get it finished up over the past weekend but the rain but a damper on that which was so fun considering I have 3 dogs and a mud pit in the yard.  Oh well.  It'll be worth it.

When the deck is done, I want to get a swing for the yard and I'm also thinking about building a pond behind the garage because nothing really grows back there anyway (it's too shady).  And then my turtles could live outside year round!

I start back at school tonight.  I'm not excited but am going to try to push through it.  I just need 2 more sections of math to graduate so I'm going to try and push through it and finish it up.

I've been working on being more healthy.  Trying to eat better.  Be more active.  I don't hit the gym really often but I'm trying to be more physical in general and it feels good.  I've lost 20% of my body weight since I have started paying attention to what I eat and trying to be more active.  It's awesome.  Now I'm going to get more serious about it very soon and get into summer shape so I can rock my bikinis ;)

I've been spending time with Jon the last few weeks and that's been great.  He is so much fun and I'm pretty crazy about him so it's been great to be able to spend time with him.

I've been cooking more lately and that's been a blast too since I love cooking.  I've been avoiding baking, even though I love it, so that I won't be tempted to eat my sweet treats.  But I am learning about sourdough bread and am trying to master that.  It's been a fun project.  I like watching the culture grow and react to being fed.  I hope I can get the process down well enough that I feel comfortable sharing my bread with people.  It's getting better the more I do it so I have hope.

I'm working hard at being a better housekeeper.  That's something I have always really struggled with so it's been a challenge but it keeps getting easier and easier.  I just try to do a little every day and that makes a huge difference.  My house isn't totally clean yet but it's progressively getting better.  My kitchen counters have been less cluttered, my dishes are pretty much always done, my bathroom is cleaner, etc.  And having a cleaner house helps my mood a ton.  I don't feel embarrassed if people stop by and it just feels better to be in over all.

I'm also reading more and that is awesome.  I'm watching less TV and reading more.  That is refreshing.  I'm slowly burning my way through the stack of books I've had on my dresser for 6 months.

I finally started my fashion blog that I have thought about doing for years.  I posted about it in my last entry here.  www.AnUntraditionalFashionista.blogspot.com.  It's nothing special but it's fun to talk about clothes and fashion.  I hope to start sewing and post my projects on there too.  I haven't had time to yet but soon - that's the goal.

Anyway, life is going pretty well lately.  It feels so good to have turned a corner emotionally.  I am strong, independent, and special.  It feels good to be able to tell myself that and actually believe it.

New Blog

I've talked about starting a fashion blog for at least two years now.  It's time to finally dive in and do it.  I just posted my first post today.  Nothing special.  Just an introduction to who I am.  If anyone that reads this wants to check it out, it's www.anuntraditionalfashionista.blogspot.com.  I am thinking I'll talk about things I like and remake clothing I love from my "Clothing <3 board="" on="" p="" pinterest.="">
I don't love my background/layout on my blog.  I am going to work with some of my friends from work to create a personalized wallpaper and make my blog look more how I want it to look.  But for now, Twiggy and all her Mod splendor will do.

Life, Memories, Future, Whatever....

I am sure whoever reads my blog is sick of me talking about Jon, how sad I am, our divorce, etc.  However, I have so many emotions pent up inside of me that I need to get out and not a lot of people I can talk to about them so this is my outlet.  If you don't want to read it, don't read the blog.  I'm sorry that I keep talking about the same things but this is my life right now.  This is the biggest event to happen in my life and the most difficult situation I've ever been in and I don't know how to move on yet.

I've been flooded with memories the couple weeks. 

I think about the day Jon and I met, in the old warehouse at the zoo and how I knew that day that he was incredible and that I wanted to know him.

I think about walking in the dark at the zoo with him at a summer employee party and what we talked about.

I think about when he would come visit me at my house, as teenagers, and we would make candy, play with Sadie and "Cobblestone" (AKA Abbie).

I remember the day he walked into Sur La Table with Marshall and came back into my life and how excited I was to see him.  He looked amazing and I was so happy to see him, talk to him, be in contact with him, etc.

I remember lunch at Chili's the first time we hung out after he showed up at Sur La Table and how that became our place for a while.  Whenever we would go out for quite a while, that was pretty much guaranteed to be where we'd go.

I remember the horrible date I went on that I believe ultimately pushed me right into Jon's arms and right where I had always wanted to be.

I remember the promise ring he gave me for my birthday early in our relationship and his promise to always love me.  I loved that ring.  I loved that man.  I loved the sentiment he shared with me when he gave it to me.

I think about his proposal and how special I felt that day.  How cute Jon was for the week before and how excited and happy he seemed.

I remember seeing Jon at the alter at our wedding looking at me.  That was the most incredible moment of my life.  I'm lucky enough to have a picture of that to remind me how special that day was.  Jon looked so excited.  I've never seen that look on his face before.  It was incredible to see the anticipation on his face and to know I was walking toward my future and my dreams.  I was so excited to be marrying my best friend and to know we had a lifetime of love ahead of us.

I remember years of memories.  Time spent with family.  Time spent going out.  Time spent cuddling.  Time alone in Jons various apartments.  Vacations together.  Playing in the park.  Dates.  Movies.  Opera.  Birthdays.  Holidays.  Special outings like going to Spencers.  Playing in the band.  Skydiving.  Slow dancing.  Jon lifting me with just my hands in his hands.  Going to the gym (when I finally got motivated to go) and how proud he would be when I would do well - that was the greatest feeling in the world.  Jons smile when he was really, genuinely happy.  His sense of humor.  How I fit perfectly in his arms.  The spot on his chest that cradles my head as if it were made for it.  The little dip at the bottom of his neck that I love to kiss.  Holding his face in my hands.  Looking into his beautiful eyes.

I have over a decades worth of memories that mean the world to me but I feel like they aren't relevant anymore.  I know that memories are important and that it is good to be able to look back and remember all the good times we've had but knowing there is no future with Jon, it takes some of the special away from the past.  That sounds terrible to say but it does.  All my memories were made with the hope and the thought that we were forever.  Now seeing that we aren't, I feel like I've fooled myself for all this time.  I built my life around a false future.  A false hope of what my life was going to be.  I had all these dreams of what our future was going to bring.  Adventures we were going to go on.  Places we would live.  Things we would do together.  I feel so stupid for believing so strongly in something that isn't real.  I feel more stupid that I can't move past it.  I hurt every single day.  I cry most days.  I used to be able to hold it in but I can't anymore.  I have to hide in the bathroom at work on a regular basis because I'm crying.  I have to be medicated to get through every day.  I'm sick of taking pills but I need them to sleep and to not feel so desperate and hopeless all the time.  I feel like I have to be medicated just to make it through the day and I hate that feeling. 

I have so many fears for the future.  I'm so scared of never feeling the same again.  I'm scared I'll always be alone.  I'm scared I'll never share the connection I share with Jon with anyone else ever again.  I'm scared to lose my best friend.  I'm scared to never trust anyone again.  I'm scared to never be accepted so purely as Jon accepted me, without any judgements ever.  I'm scared to never know someone as well as I know him.  I truly believe that Jon is my soul mate and I'm terrified I'll never have love like this again.  I can't imagine every feeling the way I do about Jon about anyone else.  I hope I won't spend the rest of my life alone but I don't see ever having the connection and love we had with anyone else.  Ours grew over a decade.  We essentially grew up together.  I will never do that with anyone else again.

To get through, I've been trying to keep myself busy with projects which is good but I can't find anything to fill the void that lives inside of me.  I feel like a shell of a person.  I have this emptiness inside of me.  I feel so alone.  I feel rejected.  I feel lost.  I feel like a failure.  I feel worthless. 

Jon wasn't my life.  I still have friends.  I still have family.  I still have my job, a place to live, hobbies, etc.  But Jon was the light in my life.  I could have a terrible day and he could make all my pain and sadness go away.  Jon could make me smile always.  He made me feel special.  He made me feel beautiful.  My favorite time of day was when I would be driving home from work and would turn the corner to our street and see his car.  I was so excited to see him and be home with him.  I adored him.  I loved him completely.  I wanted to be perfect for him.  I wanted to do everything for him and to make him feel as wonderful as I know he is and as special as he made me feel.  But I failed.  It's the worst feeling in the world to have failed the person I care about the most.  I would give anything to make things better but I can't and that may be one of the hardest realizations yet.

I miss my inlaws and I think about them all the time.  I miss being a part of their life and sharing milestones with them.  Jons nephew just turned 1 and I wasn't there.  I saw him at the hospital when he was born, but I don't get to see him grow up.  I don't get to talk to my Mother-in-Law anymore.  I don't talk to Jons siblings.  I am not invited to family outtings anymore.  They have all been such a big part of my life so long that they really are my family too and it's so hard to not have them anymore or be able to share life with them anymore.

I miss my husband.  Every minute of every day.  I miss Jon.  I miss him so much.

Jon is a beautiful man.  He is the most charismatic, fun, intelligent, caring, outgoing, sexy, person I have ever met.  I have been so lucky to be with him.  Noone will ever be able to compare to him in any way.  Physically he is perfect.  His personality is out of this world.  He is the whole package.

I hurt all the time but I hold no ill feelings toward Jon.  I know where I am at now is my fault.  I take responsibilty for myself and the choices and mistakes I have made.  But because of that I have the most intense pain I have ever experienced and I don't know how to get past it.  I keep hoping time will take some of the pain away but it doesn't.  I just want to feel something different.  I am sick of the emptiness and the hurt that consumes me.  I long for the day that I feel something else.

Despite the pain I feel, I am not at risk to myself.  I am seeing a counselor who is trying to help me through this difficult time and I challenge myself to be social and to get out and do things on a semi regular basis.  I only say this because I realize this has been a downer post and that I am being hard on myself but whoever reads this and may be concerned should know that I have no thoughts of hurting myself or anything like that.  That is not in my nature.

I am grateful every day for sunshine, my bed, my darling dogs (they are really are what gets me by every day), and people in my life that are there for me.  Thank you to my friends that go out of their way to try and make me feel special.  I love you all.

Valentines

Happy Valentines Day My Friends!

Anticipation of today has made me reminisce about the wonderful Valentines I have had with Jon.  They weren't incredibly big productions, but they were perfect.  We would take turns every year cooking for each other and planning our evening.  We wouldn't go out, we wouldn't have to deal with the crowds, we didn't put a lot of emphasis on things, but every single one was incredible.  They were some of the most special days we shared together and are some of the sweetest memories that are most dear to my heart.

I remember our first Valentines together.  It was very sweet.  Jon surprised me by making me a wonderful, delicious dinner.  It was so sweet.  I haven't really known him to ever cook so the gesture and effort meant that much more because it was more special.  We had a candle light dinner in his apartment and there was a cute heart of tea lights on the floor.  I was swept away.  It was such a special, and wonderful night that I was actually nervous that he was going to propose.  I was scared about that all night because I loved him but I wasn't ready for that commitment.  I don't think he ever knew that I was nervous or that I thought there was a chance of a proposal.  I knew we weren't at that point in our relationship but it really was such a sweet and thoughtful night that I wasn't sure.  It was the best Valentines Day I have ever had and I wouldn't change it for anything.

The next Valentines that stands out in my mind was a few years later.  It was my year and I wanted to knock his socks off.  I worked on it for at least a week.  I made all sorts of candies, which has a fun and special meaning to me, because when we were teenagers, Jon and I used to make candy together, I decorated, I cooked dinner, and we had a candle light dinner on the floor, asian style on pillows at a short table.

I loved that Valentines were about spending time with each other and trying to do something special for each other.  I loved that they weren't focused on commercialism.  I loved that we didn't go out to dinner with everyone else in the city.  I loved that it was a day just for us.  They were perfect days.  I hope you all (whomever it may be that actually reads this) can have as perfect, and special, and wonderful Valentines Days as I have been blessed enough to have with my best friend and love of my life.

Now I leave you with a couple of my favorite love songs that hold some symbolism for me concerning my relationship with Jon.  They aren't really our songs but to me they are.  Every time I hear them, I think of us and they fill my heart with love.  To me they are our songs.  They may be sad love songs but they are songs about enduring love.  They are dear to my heart.