Calvin's Canadian Cave of Coolness: June 2022

Thursday, June 30, 2022

Our Second Anthem - CANADIAN PLEASE

Happy Canada Day From The Archive Of Cool

This year Canada is not such a great place to celebrate Canada Day in since all the recent discovery of mass numbers of aboriginal graves near residential school that date back decades. It's our greatest shame akin to the way Blacks were treated in America and how the system of church schools tried to wipe all trace of the Native from the children they stole from the reserves. I hate my nation for this original sin I love the people, most who are just as hurt and shocked as I am about this news. Celebrate the day or don't. You will get no judgement from me.

I cannot comment on this scandal at the present time.

But if it's true then someone at Corporate is being put on an ice flow.

If you want to understand Canadian education in the 1970s you have to watch this National Film Board award winning film, PADDLE TO THE SEA. We all must have watched it a dozen times in class as we went from one grade to another. But we didn't care, it was cool every time we were shown it. I can assure you that each of us who saw this film wanted to build our own canoe (with melted lead to keep him upright.and test this same theory). But we lived in flat Manitoba. So we got into rocketry instead. Our shop teacher wasn't keen on this project because to do this kind of carving would have had us using tools that could have done us major damage.

Here are 10 things that you should just never say to a Canadian:

1. "Hockey sucks"

We are very proud of our unofficial national sport (yeah, it's actually Lacrosse). So, hearing people diss it definitely breaks our hearts a little. Whenever there's a game on, you can be sure that Canada is watching. A lot of us can't even bear to talk about this year's Olympic losses, so really, just don't bring it up. You can dislike hockey all you want, just don't tell us about it unless you want to catch these hands.

2. "Poutine is gross"

Okay well honestly, you're just dumb if you say this, and also wrong. Quebecers invented poutine and it quickly took over the entire world. There are so many variations of poutine that you probably wouldn't even be able to name them all. Cheese, fries, and gravy are a heavenly combination and Canadians will defend this classic dish until their dying breath.

3. "Canada is the 51st U.S state"

This one might surprise you, but I've personally had someone ask me what part of the United States I'm from after I expressly told them that I was Canadian. This really grinds my gears, and honestly, I don't understand how people could make that mistake seeing as Canada is bigger than the U.S! I'm not saying that all Americans suck, but Canadians really don't like being compared to their southern neighbors.

4. "A-boot"

Yes, okay we get it, sometimes our accents can be a little strong. But coming up to us, and shoving it our face is just plain annoying. "A-boot" is especially annoying seeing as it is so damn overused. Pretty much every TV show on the planet has made a joke about a Canadian character and whipped out the "a-boot" catchphrase. It's over. Stop it. We're not ABOUT that anymore.

5. "This looks like Monopoly money"

Honestly, I think people make fun of our money so much because they're jealous. Do you know how useful it is to have money of different colors? You don't have to waste any time rifling through your money trying to find out which bill is which. Need $5? Look for blue. Need $20? Look for green. Easy peasy. Take that Americans. Have fun wasting your time looking through your wallets.

6. "Do you get internet in Canada?"

Canada is NOT that far up North. We have all the technology that you do! We don't live in igloos (mostly), we drive cars, we have phones, and yes we definitely have internet! I'm not quite sure Canada has gotten such a reputation for being small-townish, but we have huge cities and as much advanced technology as the rest of the world.

7. "How far away do you live from Toronto?"

Let's get one thing straight, the capital of Canada is Ottawa, not Toronto. We get that it's one of our biggest cities, and that when you say "Canada" people think Drake, and thus, Toronto. But come on! We have other cities. Our country is enormous, so asking how close we are to Toronto doesn't really make sense if the answer is 10 hours away. It's especially a touchy subject for Montreal. We're cool too.

8. "Canadian beer sucks"

Whoa, la. Have you had Canadian beer? We know how to brew. We are nice and proud of our abilities. Stop calling it "moose urine" and stop being so darn snooty. It doesn't really make sense to rag on another nation's product. Don't you like variety? Aren't we supposed to celebrate differences? I think it's very unfair to insult someone's art. Period.

9. "Do you know my cousin? They live in Canada"

Like I said before, Canada is HUGE. So, no I don't know your third cousin thrice-removed from the middle of nowhere. I'm not saying we don't want to know them. We love meeting people. But, you can't just assume that everyone in Canada somehow knows each other.

10. "Canadians are so nice!"

Okay, so I know more than my fair share of Canadian assholes. We are not all nice. No matter who we are talking about here, it is never fair to lump a whole group of people in the same box. I mean, niceness is a pretty good thing to be accused of, but it's unfair to the people that are actually nice.

Because you don't live in the socialist utopia that exists North of the 48th parallel let me inform you about how things are up here. We might bitch a little but we got it pretty good up here. I live in a beautiful, park-like city with great seasons to experience all year long. I have easy, full and free access to two doctors and many other professionals dedicated to my better health and welfare. I pay next to nothing for my access to satellite TV and fiber optic internet speed and there are never disruptions in service.

My grocery shelves are full of food, especially garlic stuffed olives from Greece and fresh garlic French bread - two of my favorite combinations of eats. My country is ethnic and cosmopolitan so there is no economic barriers to my enjoyment of the delicacies of other nations whenever my tummy growls for them. I don't worry about the safety of the food I am eating.

The streetlights work as does the plumbing.

When you call a cop or an ambulance they are there in minutes. Same goes for the fire fighters.

Every spring they clean and wash the streets. When it snows, the roads are cleared within 24 hrs.

Tim Horton's - and I don't even drink coffee but I do enjoy their donuts.

I can grow mostly flowers in my garden so that I can help the bees. We all know we are nothing without the bees. If I WANTED to grow vegetables, I could because I live on the most fertile part of this good Earth. You should see the zucchini and radishes we can produce with next to no effort. Massive, like the size of a baby's head.

Our superheroes are cooler and we DID invent Superman, the most American of all heroes. Okay, half invented.

(click to enlarge)

My entertainment industry may suck but no one tries harder to entertain and enlighten than Canadians. More of us are in Hollywood than you think. There are no people who understand comedy more than Canadians do. Living with others during the long, cold winters gives you a sense of humor. If you don't have one you just don't survive.

We have also been schooled (through the CBC) by getting to see the best of American and British comedy programs for decades. We are in a unique position to judge what is funny and what is not. We just KNOW funny. It's in our DNA.

We also make Heartland which is a beautiful family drama about horses and the people who live with them in Alberta. I am not ashamed to say I never miss an episode - no matter how corny it can get.

I get to enjoy all the best things about American culture without actually having to BE an American. It's sad to see how dysfunctional the American system of government is. One side doing all they can to keep the other side from achieving anything for the American people. Working for the people should be the Republican's only concern. Instead they choose to act like bigoted asswipes. Good luck ever getting elected again.

Say what you want about our Parliamentary style of government but shit gets done. Within 12 hours of the huge floods that hit my province last week, the military was mobilized to help. How long did it take New Orleans to get it's shit together after Hurricane Katrina?

I live in a country that worships a violent sporting event that takes place on ice with participants armored as much to protect them from the hard ice and the hard puck but especially to protect them from the even harder players. That is also the sport where a handshake ends every championship series. No other sport has that kind of tradition.

My air is safe to breath and the water from my taps is clean. My bath water doesn't light on fire because of fracking being done in my area. Any spills or environmental damage caused by the oil industry is dealt with immediately and effectively.

My mother is safe to go about her life and travel the world on a well used Canadian passport. A lifetime of hard work was rewarded by the system - the system that wasn't allow to put her pensions at risk and the life insurance companies paid off like they were suppose too.

When my father was dying of cancer we never felt that his hospital stays and special needs would bankrupt the family. As a citizen and a veteran, all those things were paid for and taken care of just like they paid for his hearing aids. As an artillery man, that kind of damage was predictable and it was easy for him to get the treatment he needed despite having the pre-existing condition.

Even after death, Veterans Affairs pays for our yard work and snow removal. It's a huge load off my fat ass. I like some chores but shovelling snow and moving the lawn isn't one of them. I am more a laundry, dishwasher, and vacuuming kind of guy.

I live in a neighborhood with large trees and near neighbors who know how to mind their business. There is no loud yelling or late night parties. Only the crows and the garbage truck wakes you up in the morning but that only happens once a week when my garbage is picked up without fail. I can even leave out recyclables and that big tub of stuff stays out of the landfill too. The city makes it easy for me to 'do my part'.

Happy Canada Day Everyone!