purpose of life

Ever since i was a kid, i've been wanting to become an astronomer and work at NASA.
i'm fascinated by space, and nothing on the built environment.

i do believe in god..but i always wondered if there's a way to draw myself closer to this truth?
it is certainly harder to prove that there's no god but my belief is still entirely based on faith, like every other christians.

some time ago i figured that the closest way to draw myself nearer to the truth is through the study of cosmology
i always wondered if there's something else out there?
how small and how trivial are we, our everyday lives, our worries, our achievements, our lifetime pursuit is, relative to the scale of the universe. what's the significance of anything and everything, and what can be brought along with our death?

and there are so many different arguments arising from the bible itself.
for example the swearing issue. how is it that we're not allowed to swear when apostle paul himself and few other prophets sweared countless times in the original scroll from which the bible is compiled? has this influenced the norm particularly in churches where many people have to put on their masks just to maintain a good image of themselves in order not to be mocked by others?

another thing is the premarital sex issues. in the older days when bible was compiled people get married at really young age like 15 or 16, where lust was not really an issue. but in today's norm people get married about 10 years latter, so it was argued by some philosopher that premarital sex does not apply in today's world. is there any reason that we have to hold that desire until marriage? is this the intention of the truth? what principle should really be held behind much arguments based on the same literature? or are most people following blindly what others have told them?

anyway, it seems that i'm stuck with civil engineering. and the more i learn the more emptiness i feel. there seems to be very limited alternatives in the future that might fulfill even just part of my interest, although i always tried to convince myself that nothing is certain in life and i can always make a turn. if i got to do what i really wanted to do, i would certainly enjoy my life more. and would that conclude that self fulfilment gives life its meaning?

sometimes i just wanna dissapear

Today is one of those days. i feel so incredibly stressed out.
Do you ever feel overwhelmed by life?
Sometimes I just pray to God that I have enough strength to make it through another day.
It makes me feel weak and ashamed that I get this way.
Sometimes, I just wanna disappear.
everytime i start to feel better i fall down again
its such an effort to stay happy
im slowly losing myself
i just feel like theres nothing to look forward to
sometimes i feel it'll be easier and less painful to just shut down