Sleeplessness... and random ramblings..

Unfortunately, I am wide awake at 2:45 am and part of my unablity to fall asleep is the neighbor's tv BLARING through the wall. It's actually not an uncommon occurrence, but usually I just pray, ask the Lord to help me sleep and then just begin to talk to God, and somewhere in the midst, I eventually fall asleep. Not tonight.

Somehow his tv, which ironically sounds like Pekín Express a show I really like, has enough fluctuations in tone and noise that I can't help but to listen to it. And it's, as usual, turned up pretty loud. I'm guessing he is actually asleep, or fading in and out of sleep as it seems is common for old men.

So... I'm blogging for a bit and then will try to go to sleep. Hmm... or maybe I'll try to finish my book, which only has about 20 pages left. I have energy to get up and do something, but if I do that it's doubtful I'll get to sleep before 4 o 5. I'm turning into my brother. Oh, the joys of sharing a wall with an insomniac neighbor with hearing problems.

Okay, now they're singing "La Bamba" on the tv. Honestly I'm more humored than frustrated. I just know rationally that I should be sleeping instead of typing and yet half want to turn on the tv and find the show he's watching, but it's nearly impossible for me to fall asleep to something I'm actually somewhat interested in, unless I'm dead tired. Okay, enough rambling for now.

Okay... so some commercials are now on and just a couple notes from a completely unrelated song now have "we used to wait" in my head by Arcade Fire. I actually love the song but have a feeling I'm going to fall asleep with it in my head. Oh, wait. Now a clip of Lady Gaga's "bad romance" just came on. Oh, now he's switching channels... a game show... changing again... a cooking show? at 2:55am? really? Well, this is much lest dynamic...I can probably sleep to this. Oh, shoot, now we're on news, I think. Probably also good sleeping tv. We'll see... This may not be exciting to read, but I'm fairly humored by my play-by-play of the neighbor's late night tv watching through the noise of my bedroom wall. Now we're back on commercials, which as always are louder than the normal tv noises. But at least we're on a talk show or some news sort of show. Should be good for sleeping. Night.

Note: Yoshitomo Nara is the artist of the picture above, one of my sister's favorite artists and actually one i like a lot too. this piece is called sleepless, which seemed appropriate.

unlimiting God

This is the book I read today. I have a pile of books I'm trying to get through during Christmas and this is the first one I've finished (or almost, I think I have 15 ish pages left, so basically done.)

And I'll have to come back and write my thoughts out, but it's pretty good. It challenges you in the part we play in our walk with God, about whether or not we trust Him to do big things in our lives and the world, whether or not we are stepping out in faith, whether or not we take the time to wait and hear from the Lord, whether or not we are putting ourselves in a place to grow. It's good. And it is both challenging and inspiring. Anyway, figured I'd post at least a little snippet for now.

Lykke Li

Ok, so I just found a new musical artist that I love! Lykke Li is swedish and the music is AMAZING!!! Oh, and some of the lyrics are genius. I absolutely love the first video below, Dance Dance Dance! ¡Disfruta!!! Enjoy!

the black swan

Wow! I'm blown away. I just watched the black swan with Natalie Portman and it's amazing!!! In fact, the best of the film is the last thirty minutes or so, in my opinion.

It is incredible how the character of the swan princess is developed. It was incredible! Excellent performance by Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. And the dancing is obviously beautiful. Just as you would guess from the title and trailer, the film is dark and Portman's obsession with perfection and personifying the swan princess drives her to transform before your eyes on the silver screen. While before a timid, soft-spoken, controlled and submissive young girl, she plays with fire with the help of her director and Mila to personify the darkness of the black swan. In the film her transformation is primarily shown through sexual experimentation and breaking out of the submissive and obedient girl of before in her relationships with others. Instead of the timid, soft-spoken girl of before she becomes a angry, fierce and passionate woman both on and off-stage. It really was incredible! And it is interesting how the lines between reality and fantasy are blurred and there are quite a few points where what you think is real later is shown to be fiction. The final ballet is amazing, particularly the dance of the black swan. Anyway, it's my favorite film thus far of my holiday film-watching. (Although, just to let you know there is a decent amount of sexual content that is somewhat intense. It's part of Portman's transformation into the dark swan. So, just to let you know so you're forewarned.)

So...I'm hoping to tackle The American (El Americano) and Biutiful as well as some of the films on our un-narrowed down film night list for the spring. (Not to mention the huge pile of books I'm hoping to make my way through.) As always, I'd LOVE recommendations for film night. Basically, films that have strong themes to discuss afterward, that have developed characters, that are just good films,... Oh, and if you can think of good foreign films, I'm always in need of some good suggestions. Thanks in advance!!!

merry christmas!

Coldplay – Christmas Lights Lyrics

Christmas night, another fight
Tears we cried, a flood
Got of all kinds of poison in, poison in my blood
Took my feet to Oxford Street, trying to right a wrong
Just walk away those windows sing
But I can’t believe she’s gone
When you’re still waiting for the snow to fall
It doesn’t really feel like Christmas at all

A group of candles on me are flickering
Oh they flicker and they flow
And I am up here holding on to all those chandeliers of hope
And like some drunken in this city
I go singing out of tune
Singing how I’ve always loved you, darling
And I always will

Oh when you’re still waiting for the snow to fall
It doesn’t really feel like Christmas at all
Still waiting for the snow to fall
It doesn’t really feel like Christmas at all

Those Christmas lights
Light up the streets
Down where the sea and city meet
May all your troubles soon be gone
Oh Christmas lights, keep shining on

Those Christmas lights
Light up the streets
Maybe they’ll bring her back to me
Then all my troubles will be gone
Oh Christmas lights, keep shining on

Oowwwhhhohooooowohohohoooo

Oh Christmas lights
Light up the streets
Light up the fireworks in me
May all your troubles soon be gone
Those Christmas lights keep shining on

Tonight in our film night we watched and discussed Blood Diamond. As we discussed it, we quickly began to talk about the human condition and the world in which we live and WHAT would change that reality. A friend of mine who helps child soldiers in East Asia posted this video on youtube to the tune of John Lennon's Happy Xmas. No matter what your political views, there are grave atrocities going on around the world and most the time we are completely unaware of anything more than what happens right outside the window of our home. As he said when he posted it, "Suspend cynicism and let this video wreck you." Here it is.

If you want to see the work they are doing, go here. And if you want to watch a couple videos to get you thinking more, here you go:

Project: AK-47 exists to rescue child soldiers. from PROJECT: AK-47 on Vimeo.

"WEAR THEIR REALITY." Project: AK-47's dog tags for child soldier advocacy from PROJECT: AK-47 on Vimeo.

And here is another one with another organization on slave labor:


And now some quotes, good quotes:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

-Theodore Roosevelt


"We don't believe something by merely saying we believe it, or even when we believe that we believe it. We believe something when we act as if it were true."

-Dallas Willard


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Nelson Mandela


"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

-Mother Teresa

“Thou shalt never be a perpetrator. Thou shalt never be a victim. And thou shalt never, but never, be a bystander.”

-Yehuda Bauer

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world die." - Mahatma Gandhi

We Used To Wait

Lyrics to "We Used to Wait" by Arcade Fire

I used to write,
I used to write letters I used to sign my name
I used to sleep at night
Before the flashing lights settled deep in my brain

But by the time we met
By the time we met the times had already changed

So I never wrote a letter
I never took my true heart I never wrote it down
So when the lights cut out
I was left standing in the wilderness downtown

Now our lives are changing fast
Now our lives are changing fast
Hope that something pure can last
Hope that something pure can last

It seems strange
How we used to wait for letters to arrive
But what's stranger still
Is how something so small can keep you alive

We used to wait
We used to waste hours just walking around
We used to wait
All those wasted lives in the wilderness downtown

oooo we used to wait
oooo we used to wait
oooo we used to wait
Sometimes it never came
(oooo we used to wait)
Sometimes it never came
(oooo we used to wait)
Still moving through the pain
(oooooo)

I'm gonna write a letter to my true love
I'm gonna sign my name
Like a patient on a table
I wanna walk again gonna move through the pain

Now our lives are changing fast
Now our lives are changing fast
Hope that something pure can last
Hope that something pure can last

oooo we used to wait
oooo we used to wait
oooo we used to wait
Sometimes it never came
(oooo we used to wait)
Sometimes it never came
(oooo we used to wait)
Still moving through the pain
(oooooo)

we used to wait (x3)

We used to wait for it
We used to wait for it
Now we're screaming sing the chorus again
We used to wait for it
We used to wait for it
Now we're screaming sing the chorus again

I used to wait for it
I used to wait for it
Hear my voice screaming sing the chorus again

Wait for it (x3)



Let me just say, that I love these guys!!! And their lyrics are pretty ingenious.

singing in the rain

Navidad ha llegado a Madrid!!! Christmas has arrived to Madrid!!!

I have some great friends. And yesterday was one of those great days with friends. Fran & Pepe came over for breakfast. We ate some of the rest of the cinnamon rolls I made the other day, with Chery too, and the cream filled croissants that Pepe brought, coffee, colacao, oj,... Then we took off for Plaza Mayor to enjoy the Christmas market, the Christmas decorations and to buy some crazy wigs & take a million pictures. Somewhere along the way we stopped for hot chocolate with whipped cream and some tea. We then went over to Pepe's for a fabulous lunch of paella & such with his family. We lingered there awhile admiring the lights, decorations and huge nativity scene that Pepe's family had put up. Then back to the center to walk, walk, and walk some more looking at lights, taking more pictures, buying a cute, warm hat (for me), having cappichinos (theirs with whipped cream on top), look at more lights and then all head home. It was fun, freezing, and full of a ton of laughs. Nothing like that to start off the holiday season!

Some music from The Civil Wars, a great band that I just discovered. Reminds me a bit of Over the Rhine.



The Civil Wars - Dance Me to the End of Love




And you can download some of their music for free here on their myspace page. enjoy!

love in action

I was talking with my roommate last night as we went for a walk after they gym. I was telling her that I've been frustrated recently to see people in my life NOT making the decisions they should. And specifically not seeing people grow in their faith, in my timing nor in the way I see fit. I am very much a verbal processor and in the midst of telling her that I answered myself and said, I know that Old Testament prophets, New Testament parables (like the parable of the sower), great men and women of faith, and even Jesus saw more rejection of the Gospel or seeds that didn't bring forth abundant fruit. I told Chery that somehow in my western mind, I think if I just do a good enough job explaining the Gospel, love them well enough, show Christ to them through my life, then they'll see, it'll make sense and of course they'll come running to Christ. The Gospel has power in and of itself. That is true. But the problem isn't in how we explain things nor how we live things out (although we could obviously grow in that individually and as the church as a whole). The problem is that our eyes and hearts are UNABLE to see. Our problem isn't purely understanding from an information standpoint, it's understanding from even being able to hear.

And while I hate the parable of the sower & soils, bc I wish all people would come to Christ as their Lord & Savior and be saved, it's also freeing to remember that it's God's work not mine. Yes, the Lord commands us to GO and invest in others. But He is the one who brings forth fruit, not me. And if Jesus spoke and people rejected Him, or just didn't get it, how can I expect anything different. I say that not in a "throw in the towel" way, but in a pfuuu, freeing way.

So... the chapter from Jerram Barrs' book, "Learning Evangelism From Jesus," that Chery suggested I read was AMAZING. It's a great, great book. The content of what Jerram writes is stuff we could use to hear and hear again a million times. Here are some bits and pieces from Chapter 6, "An Unusual Dinner Invitation," which addresses Luke 19:1-10, Jesus inviting himself to have dinner with Zacchaeus, a tax collector (who was seen as one of the most immoral people of society back in the day):

To understand the attitude of the crowd to Zacchaeus, we should try to imagine the very worst of these modern day examples (corrupt politicians & business people), while at the same time imagining that person collaborating with whoever we hate most passionately (in this case the Romans, who were the occupying army of the Jews' oppressors), such as someone working with a terrorist organization responsible for the deaths of many innocent people...

The reason for the crowd's complaints and criticisms is that Jesus' actions are totally unacceptable, even outrageous... Jesus is breaking not only the social customs, but also the religious and moral laws of his time, by becoming a guest and eating in the home of a sinner, a man with an unclean profession. Jesus is making himself socially, ritually, morally, and religiously unclean by going to Zacchaeus's home. He is polluting himself...

Jesus sets all this custom and law aside - for it is not God's law... Jesus sets them aside as... rules created by the leaders of God's people, rather than by God... these laws also prevent God's people from being obedient to their Lord's command to practice hospitality to strangers, to be merciful and gracious to the alien, and to be kind to the sinful, the needy, and the poor... these laws about socially acceptable behavior are a moral offense to God, who calls his people to precisely the opposite way of life: to be people characterized by the mercy, compassion, and grace that he ahs shown them.

...Jesus did not come into the world to keep himself apart from sinners, nor to demonstrate that his life was socially acceptable. Rather he came in fulfillment of the promise of the Lord made in Ezekial 34:11-16

For thus says the Lord God: Behold, I, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out.... I will seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them.... I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord God. I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed.

...Jesus does not keep his distance from sinners, like the Pharisees and teachers of the law, nor does he preach condemning sermons at sinners, like the Pharisees and teachers of the law. If Jesus had conformed to their practice of devotion to God, moral purity, and separation, they would not have been outraged by his behavior. What is so shocking and unacceptable to them is that Jesus desires to have intimate fellowship with sinners. He visits with them. He sits down and eats with them. He invites them to the homes of his friends and disciples... He goes gladly to their homes... He welcomes them joyfully, and in return, they welcome him joyfully... Eating together, being at home together: these imply love and personal fellowship. It is because of this that Jesus' behavior is considered scandalous. Such a commitment - to have intimate fellowship with sinners - is still considered scandalous by many Christian believers today.

Jesus treats Zacchaeus with wonderful grace in going to his home. It is, of course, this lovely grace, this mercy and respect, this honor and love that lead Zacchaeus to repentance... Zacchaeus makes his amazing statement about giving half of his goods to the poor and paying back those he had defrauded four times as much... The point is simply this: Zacchaeus is so deeply moved by the grace of Jesus that he chose to regard his defrauding as the very worst kind of theft. This deep sense of sin and desire for full repentance is what takes place in the heart when a person meets the Lord and sees him as his is in his moral perfection and marvelous grace. When a person sees the Lord as he truly is, then that person also sees himself or herself with a clear vision of the seriousness of his or her sin. When we meet the Lord in his glory, we see our sin in all its ugliness, rather than minimizing it.

This is what happens to Zacchaeus. His clear sight of his sin leads to a passionate desire to make amends and to do what is right and pleasing in the eyes o the Lord... He is overwhelmed by the grace and love of CHrist, and so generosity flows from his hearts... Indeed, in the kingdom of God, such a response ought not to surprise us. What the Lord has done for us is inexpressibly generous and kind...

Learning from Jesus...
...We learn from Jesus how important it is to seek for ways to dignify those who are despised and who may despise themselves...

...we are to seek to honor those who are dishonest, corrupt, and wicket... "If he not only merits no good, but has provoked you by injury and mischief, still this is no good reason why you should not embrace him in love, and visit him with love. He has deserved very differently from me, you will say. But what has the Lord deserved? ...In this way only we attain to what is not to say difficult but altogether against nature, to love those that hate us, render good for evil, and blessing for cursing, remembering that we are not to reflect on the wickedness of men, but look to the image of God in them, an image which, covering and obliterating their faults, should by its beauty and dignity allure us to love and embrace them." (Calvin's Institutes III, vii, 6)

Calvin makes two points here: the first is that we are to see the image of God in a person, no matter how covered over with sin it may be; the second is that we are to remember that Christ is willing to have all this person's sins counted against himself. Our sin becomes Christ's; His righteousness becomes ours. This is the gospel, and we are to remember its power and extraordinary grace even with those who make themselves our enemies...

Honestly, you should buy and read the book. It's good, really good. I wish I could read it all to you. It's good, challenging, but oh so good.

Come, Thou long expected Jesus
Born to set thy people free
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in You.

Israel's strength and consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.

Come, thou long awaited Emmanuel

Born thy people to deliver,
Born a child and yet a King,
Born to reign in us forever,
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.

By Thine own eternal spirit
Rule in all our hearts alone;
By Thine all sufficient merit,
Raise us to thy glorious throne.

Come, thou long awaited Emmanuel
Come, thou long awaited Emmanuel
Hallelujah
Come, thou Emmanuel

"Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus" - Sarah McCracken & Derek Webb

the hair... good friends... good food... :-)

Okay... so, you're probably tired of hearing about my short hair drama. No new haircut today, but... I went out to lunch with some dear friend, one of whom cut my hair short six or so months ago, so I obviously had to style my hair to make it look good (I mean he is a hair stylist and DOES have opinions about hair). He and Juan are dear dear friends. They were in town and we went out to lunch with Juan's sister and my roommate Chery. And of course the first thing Juan said upon seeing me, is "Dawn, you cut your hair!" He said I looked beautiful, which he always says (bc he's a good friend). And then when we got in the car of course he said to Carlos (the hair stylist), did you notice Dawn's hair? A little later at lunch Juan brought up the subject again and said that he loved my new cut, that it looked a little funkier and more "dangerous." It made me laugh. Chery told them I want to grow it back out and both Carlos & Juan immediately said, "NO! You look way better with short hair." I said, "Well, it's just a matter of opinion. Some people like long hair and others short." They of course protested, but anyway... Who knows what the future of my hair holds, nor does it really matter. This is all craziness, but it is great to have two great guy friends who make me feel great both about how I look and cared for (as always, they treated us to lunch, which ALWAYS makes my day). Oh, how great it is to feel cared for and loved.

not wanting to miss out...

I'm such a dork. I've known this for quite awhile but just was thinking about it today as I was about to act completely irrationally... or maybe not irrationally but psycho. I suffer from both the desire to not miss out on ANYTHING or at least not miss out on the possibility of missing out on something. AND I suffer from wanting to be wherever there might be something fun where fun people are. I hate to feel like I'm missing out. That's probably why at times I do WAY too much and can be way too slow to commit to things until I know all my options (bc I also don't like to back out of things that I said I'd do or places I'd be), but then I also don't like to say no until I'm sure I wanted to say no. I don't like my options to be closed bc I'd hate to miss out or to not say yes to anything and not have a plan B, C, or D.

So recently EVERYONE and their brother seems to be getting U2 tickets for St. Louis. Now granted I do love U2 and have ALWAYS wanted to go to their concert AND it is likely that I'll be in the States when they're playing in STL, but it's still up in the air AND all these people going to the show already have their tickets. AND good tickets cost way too much than I can probably justifiably spend for a show right now. This morning I was looking at tickets and dreaming about going. For now, I should probably let it sit and if it is to be, well than things will work themselves out when I can responsibly make a decision and commit to going.

Wow. That was quite a bit of rambling about nothing. Probably in reality it was my assuring myself that I made the right decision instead of trying to track down some tickets and people to go with me. Although... I may change my mind. It is U2. Maybe I just need to hurry up and figure out if it's plausible for me to be in MO for those dates, which is a little up in the air. I may be in CO. Anyway... things for me to think about.

a fog of emotions...

So... maybe this is food for thought in and of itself... but it seems that when i am exhausted, which is almost every Friday and at some point during the weekend and such, i find myself in a fog of emotions... which is also when i find the need to process, think, write,... not necessarily when i want to talk (or at least not just with anyone) and also when i am more sensitive, defensive, etc., thus... i should learn to NOT schedule a ton on my Fridays and times where i am exhausted.

Today I had a few appointments and I realized in the midst of one that I was a little defensive. I was being transparent, honest about where I am, probably painting a little more melancholy picture than is fully accurate (again, bc i was tired but also because i tend to tell you how i feel NOW specifically not generally) and was told that I just needed to focus on the positive and try to be happy. What! Not what I wanted or needed to hear. Yes, I'm happy. No, I'm not depressed or anything of the like. Yes, I have a million emotions floating around BUT I don't actually think that is bad. I actually think it's good. So... when I was told to be happy and not worry about the sad, I was a little defensive and said that I didn't think it was a bad thing to process and to be sad, as long as I didn't bemoan my present reality and just stay there forever. (Which I don't actually think I'm doing.) I also said that I thought it was actually refreshing and good to be embracing my negative, or sad emotions, instead of just trying to "perk myself up." It's definitely caused me to run to the Lord and He hasn't been telling me to just "snap out of it." No, again, I can't just spend my whole day down. I have to live and be present and all that. BUT it's okay to have my moments and to not be falsely happy when I'm not.

So, yeah, that's a little bit of ranting... but emotions aren't bad. If I were to allow them to control me and monopolize all my time, yes, that would be bad. But while I may not like this valley that I'm in and may not fully understand why I'm here, the Lord is so near, sweet, and hasn't at all left me alone. I guess the blessing and what I needed from this time with my apt, was to realize that I am OKAY right where I am. And that in a strange way I AM happy and thankful for this valley. It may be a valley that seems like the valley of the shadow of death. But in that valley, I've seen & felt my Mighty and Good Shepherd all the nearer and the body of Christ all the more dear and necessary. So... I am thankful for that which I want and that which I don't. It's true that the LORD does work ALL things to the good of those who love Him, to those called according to His purposes. Glory to God. I may not understand but then again I don't need to. He is God and I am not. It may be hard for me to walk without sight, but then again I did ask for him to teach me how to walk by faith and how NOT to have to be in control. I guess that's what I'm learning, how to walk without sight but trusting HIM and HIM ALONE to lead me.

death cab for cutie

I've always loved this band, but this morning have been rediscovering them again. Yet what has struck me more than anything else are their lyrics. Steller! :-) And what I've always loved is how they talk about deep, sometimes dark subjects (mainly just the human experience) and yet somehow always have a sort of hope at least in the tune of the songs. That's my take on it. So here is one song's lyrics (honestly, I could put up nearly any song, but one will suffice for now):

"Transatlanticism"

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.

I need you so much closer [x8]

[instrumental break]

I need you so much closer [x4]
So come on, come on [x4]

SSLYBY - more Let It Sway

so, i just saw this and LOVE LOVE LOVE it! it makes me laugh with the point break masks and, well, it just good music. so, enjoy...

dark and twisty

Meredith in Grey's Anatomy talks about being dark and twisty, or at least she did. I've been feeling that way recently as I've been processing the plethora of emotions. And ironically at church yesterday someone told me I looked punky and a little dark. It made me laugh.

I do have a more funky haircut, which I've been styling a little more edgy bc (1) it better that way and (2), again, a little how I feel. My hair has also gotten darker, which probably adds to that, although it's still blond-ish (ie blond for spain and light brown for the states). (In fact, for awhile I thought about dying it black, but decided it was too much work and probably wouldn't actually look that great and i, well, tend to procrastinate things like that or just go for it, anyway. We'll see. I'd probably do something temporary anyway.) I've been feeling more punky and black and dark and twisty, or at least now and then when i'm feeling down & a little melancholy. Which is probably I LOVED the idea of dressing up as something goth or dark for Halloween (al final I didn't do much of anything, but anyway... and in Spain if you do anything for Halloween it can't be cute, it has to be something dead or dying...).

Ironically the hair was an accident. My hair needed something and I figured I'd cut it once more before letting it grow out, so I told the guy to do whatever and he went nuts with the scissors with millions of little layers. All in all, it is cute and funky. So, yeah, a couple people have told me recently that I look punk-ish, in part bc of the hair and in part bc I've probably been dressing more punk-ish and with the hair if fits. Plus I did put in a nose ring instead of the stud I've had in for awhile. It goes better with the hair... But I find it hard to think that I could actually look very punk-ish. I am so not that cool. But anyway, it is fun for awhile. And does go with how I feel.

So, yeah, I feel dark, twisty, a little mad at the world, but that's okay. This too shall pass eventually. And meanwhile I guess I'm becoming more okay with negative emotions and that they don't need to just be gotten rid of... Anyway, I'm way rambling...

So, I found a picture recently in a magazine that I love. It's a girl in a field throwing torn, confetti-like paper to the wind with a smile on her face. That's what I've been thinking a lot on recently. I want to LET GO, throw my hands up, not try to control things that I clearly can't, nor try to grasp on something that is far from my grasp anyway, and TRUST, WAIT, and REST in God's strong, tender, loving arms. That's what I want.

The dark, twistiness is probably just my emotions and anger and sadness. It's there, but so is a quiet hope and joy of that which I cannot see right now. :-)

music - random musings

It's interesting how much a role music plays in my life. Okay, maybe that sounds more dramatic than I intend. Anyway... Music. Music is there to either help change my mood, to help me to process, or to sit with me in whatever mood I may be in, whether it be pure joy, excitement, music to dance to, or sad, melancholy, pensive, mourning, or angry, punch someone, mad at the world, or whatever... I have mixes for a plethora of emotions, or I have certain artists or genres that I turn to when I am sad and want to momentarily snap out of it, or want to just dwell in my emotion, or want to work through and move forward. So interesting. I can just turn on certain songs and it takes me to the place I need to be, or helps me listen to the words and move forward. And I know I'm so speaking in vagueness, but recently some songs have changed, or for me they have. I have no idea what the song was intended for, nor do I actually want to know, but at one point I heard one thing and now I hear another. There's some postmo thoughts for you. :-) Anyway, I am thankful for good friends, but also for good music.

BTW right now I'm listening to Over the Rhine, which I've listened to more times than I can count over the past few months. It's somehow been like a soft blanket or a pair of running shoes in the midst of processing life. And even if the music in itself isn't happy, smiley music, it inevitably lifts my mood and helps me to walk forward being okay with the mix of emotions inside me. I don't have to be happy, smiley. I can just be me and can be happy but also can be sad and in process.

SSLYBY - Let It Sway

Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin. A band I've been really getting into recently, which is ironic since the guy I was dating until recently LOVES this band and gave me a cd of their "greatest hits" right before we broke up. And yet I didn't really listen to it until about a month or two later. Somehow their melancholy or just downright heart-broken and depressing lyrics mixed with an upbeat, guster-ish tune makes me love them. And not to mention, they're from Missouri. Springfield to be exact. I love their lyrics and the fact that they seem pretty down to earth. I wish I'd heard more of their music before I went to a concert of theirs in STL exhausted and only knowing one song. They take some time to warm up to, at least did for me.

And, yes, as I'm still processing this break up, and I'm sure that this is part of me processing. At times my emotion is very much on my sleeve and I both need melancholy music and things that make me face the reality of it being over. So, SSLYBY is one of the many "new" things I've begun to do or listen to... It's such an odd thing but I've probably changed a million and one little things. It feels new and refreshing. And I know some of this makes no rational sense, but anyway.

Here's a video of the making of their new cd, "Let It Sway."


I love it! And here is a video from the album that actually is what first made me think twice about the band. :-)

sleep?

A friend once told me that he thought introverts probably got a lot more sleep than extroverts because after we hang out with people we're energized and have to wind down. (sorry for the run-on sentences, i've been speaking a lot of spanish and am tired. and in spanish run-on sentences are actually proper grammer.) Tonight that is definitely true for me. It's 0:42 (or 12:42 in the morning), I have a flight that I need to leave for at 7:00 am, so 6 hours, not to mention getting up and awake (and the film that I have to return in the morning, since we had film night tonight and we had to rent the film this week). I am fairly wide awake, but writing this realizing that tired or not I had best get some sleep right after I make a list of what I need to make sure to grab before I run out the door in the morning. Uf!

fruit

somehow my body seems to be craving fruit. yesterday i went to the store and bought 3 or so bags of fruit only to get home and think, "what was i thinking? i'm going to be here a day and then gone for three. how in the world am i going to eat all this fruit?"

if an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what about five? my diet today has consisted almost entirely of coffee, apples and almond butter.

malasaña

so, i've been a little down today. mainly i'm exhausted because i haven't been sleeping well or enough. so i asked a couple friends to pray and then ran out on some errands. the Lord is so sweet to me. one, just the right music happened to be on my ipod from the last time i listened to it. i was going to turn it to some more melancholy music, but alas my fav enter the worship circle cd was on, so i listened. then i had to walk through one of my favorite neighborhoods of madrid. it's right by my apt, bohemian and hippy/trendy. fun stuff in the windows of boutiques, at 5pm its right after lunch and school so there are kids playing, people out and about, dogs running, it's sunny, and i do love where i live - the architecture, the ambiance. and i've probably been down bc i've been tired, bc i'm a little frustrated with certain aspects of life right now (ok, just the boy area), i have a lot on my plate the next few days and i'm tired, i have a long list that has yet to be tackled for today, and i've been inside too much today, not enough green space and sun. so... no, nothing has really changed, but i have a fresh outlook and am reminded of the great place i live and of all the things yet to be explored. :-)

looking back, reflecting,...

I am not one who tends to read through old journals much. But that's exactly what I've been doing, reading through the journal I wrote in the past six months or so and I just skimmed through my blog over the past year. It's been good to REMEMBER and to be reminded of who God's been to me, who He is, and who He will continue to be. It's been good to be REMINDED of His promises, steadfastness and faithfulness, of Him being the giver of good gifts, the one who satisfies our desires, thoughts, needs,.... It's been good to both gain PERSPECTIVE and to help me to TRUST and walk by faith.

Somehow I don't think it's coincidence that my calender has on it for October in beautiful calligraphic letters, the flowery kind, that say (from Joshua 22:5):

LOVE

The Lord Your God
walk in all his ways
obey his commands
be faithful to him
and serve him

WITH ALL
YOUR HEART
AND ALL
YOUR SOUL

I should take a picture or something because somehow since they are in flowery calligraphy it feels softer. What jumps out is "LOVE the Lord... with all that you are" and then as a side note, all the part about obedience, which is (don't get me wrong) HOW we love him, in part, BUT it's as a response to HIM and to who HE is. It wells up from inside us and overflows. That doesn't change that it is sometimes a choice, okay often a choice. BUT it's done because we LOVE Him not out of duty or guilt or to somehow "earn" his favor - something we could never even begin to do. He has chosen us. He loves us. He SHOWERS us with LOVE and BLESSING and GRACE. He is AMAZING, oh so amazing. And OH SO sweet, tender, near. Ah! Praise the Lord! I'm so glad that HE'S the One who makes this work. I'm so glad that despite my melancholy state and my crazy emotions, HE REMAINS the SAME. HE is UNCHANGING and TRUSTWORTHY. He is oh so faithful to hold me near and to remind me what is true. For that I am eternally grateful and for that reason I can take JOY in today and actually am HAPPY (even if it is a mix of happiness, joy, sadness, mourning, broken-heartedness, gratefulness, thankfulness, feeling loved for, cared for, longing, and probably 10,000 more emotions).

ok go - "end love" & "this too shall pass"

Ok. This is definitely a little silly. But I love it and it makes me laugh or at least smile, so here you go. Some Ok Go. You've gotta love their videos.

more happy, smiley songs

feist - "1234"


regina spektor - "on the radio"


regina spektor - "better"

melancholy songs

beirut - "nantes"


feist - "the park"


over the rhine - "ohio"


over the rhine - "i want you to be my love"


feist - "lonely, lonely"

blogging...

Okay. So, yes, I'm going a little nuts tonight in the blogging department. My roommate's grandma died today. I'm am hormonal and sad. And what I usually do Monday night is temporarily suspended until November. I should have gone running or something but instead I'm home blogging, something I haven't really done for awhile. I haven't really had much time to do so. But now... I seem to need to. So, that's what I'm doing. Unless I can't sleep, there probably won't be much more for the next week or so, because Monday night I am actually around, but we'll see...

la fete - beirut

okay... i just learned how to get the embedded codes for youtube videos. i know. slow. :-) and i DID just post this the other day, but it wasn't as accessible to you. and I need to watch it again today. it makes me happy. so, here you go, "forks and knives," or "la fete," which means the party in french, :-) by beirut, who are AMAZING!

Fall in Madrid

Hmm... I just bemoaned all the things I miss from the States about fall, in part because I'm a little down and in part because I just got a package from my mom, just made popcorn, am cold (because it's fall and there's not any heat until Nov), and, yeah.... SO, I'm going to make a list of the things I love about the fall in Madrid and specifically the fall, not the winter or some other season.

I DO love the beginning of the semester and all the excitement of getting things going again and seeing God at work in my life, in the lives of students, etc.,

I LOVE walking around the streets anytime of year, but the fall is nice. I did love Saturday, just two days ago, when I bought some new plants and potted them and had the windows open with the fresh, cool (but not too cool) air.

I do love making popcorn and snuggling under a blanket because it's just a little too cold. I love tea and making apple cider. I love walking through Retiro park any time of year, but the fall and spring are probably some of the best times. I need to do that more often. The fall is nice to run in because it's finally cool enough to wear pants again, really, but just a tank top or t-shirt. And I LOVE to run when it's cool out.

I don't much care for when it rains, but we haven't had much rain this year, at least not yet, nor actually do we usually.

I like that the leaves do change some, at least more than they used to (during the 2 or 3 years of drought). I like that people are around again. Summer vacations have ended, so the city is full again and life is back to normality, back in motion. I DO like fall cleaning and fall changes (or at least some of them).

Well, that's at least the beginning of a list. I do like spring more. And I am still a little down. But that's okay. It's okay for a time.

Beth Bombara on top of the City Museum in STL

(which is one of the funnest places in existence)

fall...

I just made some popcorn (I know I just said that below), but it got me thinking about fall and all the things I miss. Yes, it's fall here too, but somehow this year I feel more nostalgic and am more aware of all the things I miss.

I have always missed the changing leaves. The leaves DO change here, a little, but not like in Missouri, with the brilliant reds and oranges and yellows, with the piles of leaves all over the ground to be raked or jumped into or collected temporarily. I LOVED fall at Mizzou when I was in college. I'd always come back from class with a pile of leaves to put in a basket or something. I LOVED the rainbow of colors and still do... or that's what I miss.

Apple picking, making apple pies from the apples in my parents' backyard,... hayrides, campfires, fall camping trips,.... pumpkins, carving pumpkins, pumpkin pies (and being able to make pumpkin pies from canned pumpkin instead of either having to get someone to ship it or bring it over or making them from sweet potatoes or finding a pumpkin and boiling it),... chili, cornbread,... winter soups (okay, that i do make here. i make a ton of tasty winter & fall soups and do make chili on occasion. it's just not the norm and no one else is making chili.).

So, that is my bemoaning about nothing. Fall is the one season (okay, and maybe winter) that I miss here. They were never my favorite seasons, but I miss the snow, the changing leaves, and probably the trick-or-treaters too. I don't actually have any reason to complain. I live in Spain. You can't really compare with that. Yet this fall I'm melancholy and a little sad, not overly nor excessively just a little. And, if you must know, it has to do with a boy that I'm still getting over. (Which probably helps explain a lot of my emotional-ness as of late.) Somehow it seems like it shouldn't take this long, but it is. So that's why I'm all nostalgic and missing home a little more than normal.

a granola halloween

so... I just made some popcorn and, probably because I'm a little meloncholy and it's fall and getting cold here (primarily just cold enough that it would be nice to have some heat, but the heat doesn't come on until Novemeber unless it gets really cold. it's just the way it is. so we've broken out the space heaters but inevitably it's still cold inside, probably actually colder than outside. anyway, I'm digressing...), it made me think of my mom & Halloween growing up. we always gave out popcorn to trick-or-treaters. it's what we did. I grew up in a super-granola house where we didn't have refined sugar, refined flour, soda, candy, nor anything of the sort. My mom cooked with fruit juice, honey, fructose, brown rice syrup,... I actually LOVED that we gave out popcorn because, having been raised in a super healthy house, I didn't and don't like candy, except for maybe chocolate, dark chocolate. So, we'd spend the afternoon before the trick-or-treaters came popping popcorn and putting it in little baggies. Of course some people thought it was cool and would even ask for an extra bag and others thought it was lame.

My brother, sister and I would go trick-or-treating too and when we came back my mom let us have 2 pieces of candy, I'd give away all my candy except for the chocolate, and we'd put our jack-o-lanterns up in the kitchen on the shelf and have a piece or two over the next few days and then forget about them until next year.

A friend of mine makes fun of me because growing up in a granola house is different. My Easter bunny brought energy bars, nuts, raisins, and carob chips. No chocolate bunnies for me.

bright as yellow

"Bright As Yellow" - Innocence Mission

And you live your life with your arms stretched out.
Eye to eye when speaking.
Enter rooms with great joy shouts,
happy to be meeting.

And bright,
bright,
bright as yellow,
warm as yellow.

And I do not want to be a rose.
I do not wish to be pale pink,
but flower scarlet, flower gold.
And have no thorns to distance me,

but be bright,
bright,
bright as yellow,
warm as yellow.

Even if I'm shouting, even if I'm shouting here
inside.
Even if I'm shouting, do you see that I'm wanting,
that I want to be so
bright,
bright,
bright as yellow,
warm as yellow.

fashion pages

Some fun fashion pages & lookbooks I found recently:

garance doré
who what wear
lookbook.nu

100 days of action

I just saw this here and thought it was curious/interesting.

up in the air

This Thursday in the film night we'll be watching "Up In the Air." I just previewed it and have a bunch of themes and thoughts scribbled down of possible things to talk about/ questions to ask. It's a pretty relaxed environment but always good to have some fodder for the fire, just in case. I'd love any other thoughts you might have about the film, or predominant themes you saw, character analysis, etc., Here's some reviews I found that I found interesting. Oh, and don't read the reviews if you haven't seen the film and don't want to know what happened. Probably an obvious disclaimer, but anyway...:

In English (US)
ny times review #1
ny times review #2
Film Critic.com

In Spanish (Spain)
El País Review #1
El País Review #2
La Off-Off Crítica

My random scribbles:
- "Moverse es vivir"
- "Ir por el mundo con la mochila lo más vacía posible..."
- idea of "home"
- "backpack" - what is worth filling it with, is it better empty? - +/-
- connection vs. isolation
- freedom vs. strings/responsibility/connection
- isolation/solitude vs. responsibility/commitment/things that tie you down
- family, freedom,...
- solitude, worth, isolation,...
- "relationships are the heaviest weights in your backpack..."
- "some animals are made to live in symbiotic relationships... attached to one another... we are not..." (probably somewhat loosely paraphrased)
- "the slower we move, the fast we die... we are sharks..."
- "make no mistake... we all die alone..."
- human connection or the lack there of - ex. of the young girl, clooney, other woman,...
- absence, clooney's disconnection with his family
- "I tell people how to avoid commitment" - bondednes vs isloation
- "welcome home" after he counsels the fiancé of his sister to go through with his marriage
- the lady's solitude - her affair & desire for escape, a parenthesis in her mundane life of commitments (family, marriage,...)
- the irony of clooney's job & what happens with his relationship, allowing himself to feel
- variety of ways of dealing with emotional commitment or lack there of
- similarities & not to "About a Boy"

hmm... am i nuts?

so... i went and got my haircut today. i never like my hair when they cut it, so maybe in a couple days i'll change my mind.

but am i nuts? i went to a place my roommate recommended to me and told him to do whatever. i described what i'd had before, what i might like,... but when he said, "so basically you're letting me do whatever i want." i, of course, said, "basically."

he went to work, chopping away, which felt great and felt a little freeing. somehow recently anything that has to do with change feels great & freeing. somehow afterward i tend to think, "what was i thinking? everything feels like it's changed and is changing." that's why i wanted my hair cut short again. i actually was thinking really short, but anyway i thought, "i might as well leave hair cutting to the experts" since i have no idea. but it is super textured. he went a little nuts and yet i wonder if it's bordering on a she-mullet. okay, maybe that's exaggerating a bit, but i'm not a huge fan. maybe in a few days or a few months. BUT i need to remember in a few months that i like my hair long. i should let it grow out even when it gets to the awkward in between phase it was at before this crazy fiasco. okay... i am definitely over reacting. it is a good haircut, just not what i had hoped for. BUT then i told him to do whatever, so i can't much complain. next time maybe i'll have to make a trip to see my friend carlos (although he lives 2.5 hrs away). it's just hair, anyway! isn't that what they always say. i'll have to play with it a bit and get used to it. :-S hopefully a couple of days will make a world of difference. we'll see what people tonight say. if they like it, i'll feel worlds better. i'm such a dork.

beirut

Ok. Beirut is quickly becoming one of my favorite bands and they have the greatest videos too. Here are just a couple in the order of my preference of them. Enjoy!
video 1 - "knives and forks (la fete)"
video 2 - "nantes"
video 3 - "nantes" in paris

feist

I've been loving listening to Feist tonight and thought I'd post some youtube videos I found. What I love is the honest emotion sometimes mixed with a whimsical happiness of sorts. If that makes any sense. Anyway, here's some of her music. Enjoy!
video 1 - the park
video 2 - lonely, lonely
video 3 - 1234

...learning to walk by faith & to TRUST beyond what my mind understands and beyond what my eyes see...

"I'm learning to walk by faith & to TRUST beyond what my mind understands and my eyes see." That's what I wrote to a friend earlier today and what I was talking through with the Lord this morning. It was a lot more specific than what I just wrote, about specific circumstances in my life now and in the future, but that was the jist of it. I asked the Lord what he wanted me to do and felt like he said, "I want you to TRUST me and to walk by FAITH not by sight." I then thought, "But couldn't this still be a little easier!" Hmm... from there I asked the Lord for strength, peace, quiet trust, and to be still before him, seeing HIS power and strength. I guess if Jesus learned "by suffering," something which I still don't comprehend, but know that's what the Bible says, then I guess it makes sense that I would as well. I can't say that I'd choose this path, but if this is what the Lord, the One I love and trust and know is GOOD and has my best at mind, then I guess this is the way I'll walk.

"In Christ Alone"

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my life, my strength, my song
This cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest droughts and storms

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are still, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground his body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave he rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final death
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from his hand
Till he returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

the Lord's sweetness

Over the past few weeks I have been BLOWN away by the Lord's sweetness and tenderness to me. It may sound odd to say, but he is most definitely the kindest, sweetest, nearest, faithful lover one could ever known. He has held me near and reminded me of what is true about HIM and about ME in the midst of a plenitude of emotional ups and downs...

So... what exactly does that look like? Some of it is probably too personal to post here. And some of it seems inappropriate to share because it is too specific to the situation. So, I'll probably have to think and post more later. But... here is just some of HIS sweetness...

Oh, how I love him. And yet as I say that I must say it has soooo very little to do with me and so much more to do with Him and His pursuit and consistency and oh so present love and tenderness.

It may be cheesy, but here's a song that just came to mind in respect to all of this:

"//He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane.
I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy

When all of a sudden
I am aware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are
And how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us, oh
Oh, how He loves us
How he loves us, oh//

//Yeah he loves us,
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how he loves us
Whoa, how he loves.//

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption
By the grace in his eyes
And if grace is an ocean
We're all sinking

So heaven meets earth
Like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently
Inside of my chest

And I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about how he loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how he loves us
Whoa, how he loves.

He loves us,
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how he loves us
Whoa, how he loves."

Lists

So, somehow I hate just pitching the lists of movies I've watched, music I was listening to, books I've read,... So I just went back through the sidebar and while I did delete the books without thinking here are some bands I was listening to more before (not to say now i dislike them, i just haven't listened to them much as of late), or had discovered and thought were cool, and films I've watch probably the first half of the year. The lists are updated as of the past couple months (ie summer).

Music Finds & List
- Tune Yards
- Alabanza Misión Posible
- Assemble - my brother
- Marta Gomez
- Waterdeep
- Village Thrift
- Chris Tomlin
- Innocence Mission
- Ray LaMontagne
- Corinne Bailey Rae

Films
- Pollock
- Hurt Locker (En Tierra Hostíl)
- Okuribito (Despedidas) - Japanese
- Contact
- Big Fish
- A River Runs Through It
- Dead Poets' Society
- Invictus
- The Hedgehog (El Erizo) - French
- Bride & Prejudice
- Water
- The Namesake
- The Reader
- Avatar
- The Boys Are Back
- Whip It!
- Paper Heart
- In America
- Cold Souls
- The Class (french)
- The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (Le Scaphandre et le Papillon - French)
- The Orphanage (El Orfanato - Spanish)
- Doubt
- Dancer in the Dark
- Into the Wild
- Elephant
- The Mission
- Sunshine Cleaning
- Sin Nombre
- The Journey of the Red Ballon (Le Voyage du Ballon Rouge - French)
- American History X
- Julia & Julia
- Thin Red Line
- Pleasantville
- No Country For Old Men
- I Love You, New York
- The Secret Life of Bees
- District 9
- Where The Wild Things Are
- Almost Famous
- Dogville
- Up
- High Fidelity
- There Will Be Blood
- The Squid and the Whale
- Smart People
- Precious
- Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist