The Gift of Time

A post dedicated to the gift of time, as well as PC's birthday.

We tried and failed to meet up to celebrate a birthday properly. I guess by properly, it might means birthday cake and song and maybe present, but most importantly, a get-together. Some effort on your part to show that you are free to make it, to show that you care or let the person know you still bother about him. Ha ha. But with so many busy university students nowadays, I guess maybe this one time will be slipped by, but obviously, we must find time to meet up at least.

This recess week I also wanted to meet other friends as well, stage friends and what not. In the end, I didn't really meet up with any, except maybe those in school. Somehow, being busy with this conference, I missed out what I feel is important to do when during a break. Going out, meeting friends, spending time with family etc. Guess I don't really feel the 'love' yet. Ha ha.

And yes, the gift of time. You may call me cheapskate for giving a free thing. But not many people will be that willing to give you their time. I need to study, feed my dog, buy food for my grandparents, not convenient, got project meeting, church stuff, jumping up and down or something. Spending quality time, maybe not doing anything special but actually talking to each other. Feeling comfortable, not stressed, not rushing to anything, not using your smartphone to be connected to other people on twitter, facebook or play game (worst I tell you, your friends cannot compare to an app -.-)

Of course, quality time is hard to force 'out'. It is difficult to define. You can't just say, hey, we are having quality time right now, isn't that awesome? That would be awkward ha ha. You try to spend time with each other, but what comes may not be what you expected. But if you tried, I think it is good enough.

Stressed

I am so stressed I can't sleep well at all for the past few nights I need to do well for Econ mid terms to prove that this is the right major for me I need to do the publications part well for the conference to prove myself? Suddeny I need to start organizing a camp I want birthday celebration to turn out well I want this, I need that I am so fucking stressed And I want to sleep but I can't :/

Meow

One day perhaps, I would be able to put all these into nicer words of advice for myself.
You can't force someone according to your whims and fancies.
If you can't see someone for what he/she is, that's only going to lead to conflicts.

Gosh, I hate the yo-yo side of me.
Feeling happy and sad like two extremes at different points in time is just unhealthy.
Someone told me today, if you are satisfied, then don't over think.
If you are not, then admit it?
Ha ha.

At least this current bout should be over.
On the bad side, I am sick like a pig ha ha.
Special mention goes out to those who were special these few days :)

Reach 200th post might be better?

I always believe that only you yourself can make yourself feel miserable.
But here I am doing it to myself, so arguably, I must be pretty stupid to do something that I know can be avoided.
Am I that different from everyone else?
All I want is the same things as the next person does.
I guess after so many years/posts/arguments/whatever, I am still in this state.
I seriously need to chase this bout of misery away.
And I deleted the last sentence, because it will only hurt/anger some.

Good Night.

One Last Post

There's a nice photo of me here --> http://www.straitstimes.com/STI/STIMEDIA/image/20120205/c4.jpg

Chingay 2012 is finally over, and yes Geraldine, I do feel an empty feeling afterwards. No, it is not because I am hungry. Rather, I didn't expect it to be fun. Not being from hall, this wasn't something I joined to gain points or to organize something for my resume. This was something just from being random and quite reckless back then. Ha. From being awkward, to knowing a few people there, and not caring what happens and just having fun. The last few days of just being high was indeed memorable, and no doubt, these memories will serve me well as I tread through a more difficult semester 2.

We are no longer young. Everything is not as fun as before. Not even K-box. Sometimes, I feel that I can appreciate a hearty lunch with friends more than doing something "special". Time is becoming even more precious. Is this the feeling of being old? Of course, other experiences come along with it. Certain priorities become more important than before. People change, or you just don't know them anymore. And then, I also don't know myself anymore.

And I am only 22 this year. And I am retreating away. I feel the world out there is not worth bursting out into, it will only do its best to hurt you. Okay, that sounded totally like a sad person. It just seems like recently, most of the things I have done, or situations that are happening are not what I desire, foresaw, wanted nor in any good sort of way.

I don't understand people, and people don't understand me. Humans are strange creatures. Animals do what they want according to their desires and instinct. They don't give a damn actually. But for us, every thing has a meaning or desire or motive and we view each other with suspicions or lens crafted from previous experiences that may not be the best fitting for everything. So, suddenly, because the person don't act in according with what the society/majority currently believes in, the person is outcast-ed and ostracized, and becomes a "weirdo". A fodder for gossip and the gel for keeping people together in an "us versus them" scenario. I am guilty sometimes of this. And I do follow the herd's instinct. But why aren't we more aware of this if we know that everyone will fall off the cliff together if we were to run together in a wrong direction?

Of course, understanding comes from talking. But nowadays, when we are talking, are we really talking? Or just saying stuff to pass time, pass the moment and hoping that our lies will not get detected. Most of the time, I guess it is more not saying the things that matter, and making small talk that is really just insignificant rubbish. I am truly saddened and sorry to have lost the connection to some and I am not sure if I can pick up the pieces or even if I want to. (We are wired to protect ourselves, and part of this means to protect ourselves from hurt too.) What a hypocrite right? Ha.

I am sorry for running away. I think these has happened many times. My old friends, I guess you can bear testimonial to this. As much I want to stand and face what is to come, I lack the courage, the confidence and the fear that it may turn out to be worse than before, no, scrap that. I lack the moral courage to do the "right" thing. This was the case in army, in my personnel life, and especially in the past year and months I guess. And then I shall run back to the wired to protect ourselves argument. I am tired. But I also don't know what to do. Perhaps this will turn into "normal" behavior one day. And then, everything will be "normal".

THE END.

I don't think I will blog much anymore, based seeing the low frequency of the past few posts.
I think no more feel for writing on the blog already.
Ha. For my loyal readers, if any, please do SMS me from time to time.
It would make my day, or night, and I will try my best to do the same. :)