-the colours of my life-

The end of 2015

2015 has been a really eventful year.
First and foremost, the most amazing thing is I'm actually dating a guy. After dating girls for 8 years, this is probably the most shocking news ever.
We spent about 8 months undercover. Really thankful that it is finally over.
It has been a really rocky journey. Starting from February. The day we 'ran away' from office and hopped into a taxi and you grabbed my hand.
This was shortly followed by movie marathons.
My birthday celebration.
The 36 roses.
Countdown to my birthday.
It was really sweet.
The sweetness came with pain. Lots.
You couldnt decide. Bring yourself to face what is infront of you. Silly me stuck through it all. Booked a trip with you. Decided that this was going to be the deciding factor.
The trip was probably the sweetest ever. After MBS. The long walks. Running for ferry. Finding the hotel. Meals together. Being sheltered from the rain. It was a memory I wanted to keep if we dont make it together.
And you decided.
Of course. It was not smooth. Drama after drama.
And of course. I changed my job. That was the next test.
It was difficult. Painful. But we stuck through it. It came with tears, arguments, sweetness, happiness. Nevertheless we went through it all.
The hardest part of telling the parents was a blessing to us. I was amazed at the openess and willingness to accept.
And finally, it was over.
The family trip was amazing. There are no other words to describe it.
As we look forward to our future together. I really wished the pain was worth. I wished my effort was worth it all.
I never asked for riches. I never asked for a huge diamond ring. I dont need a big grand proposal. I dont need an expensive lavish wedding. I just want us to be together.
The last thing on Earth was to argue over where we should stay.
Wasn't communication something we agreed upon?
Talk about being modern. That was definitely not it.
I just wanted to plan ahead. Of course not everything works out the way we want it to be. But it was just a suggestion because the first thing when a couple gets married is not the wedding photos or the dinner that is the most important. Its the roof over out heads and where we will spend our time together. Its just a temporary arrangement till we get our own place.
2016 for me looks like a uncertain road. Uncertainty makes me scared. I fear uncertainty. It makes me an insecured person. I know there will be many happy things and many problems coming my way. I guess the best is to remain strong and fight it through.
And i turn t-h-i-r-t-y! Omg!

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 11:37:00 PM

At this moment..

Not feeling like saying.. i suddenly thought of this abandoned page. Nearly 5 years and here I am once more.
Just felt like penning it down in words...
Am I happy now?
Honestly I do feel confused at times.
We are together...but not officially..when's official? How do we suddenly appear officially?
Everyone thinks we are together...illegally I suppose..
It kinda sucks.
Thats why I really do not feel like shopping..nor going to any shopping centres in the day.
I hate being misunderstood. I dislike saying the same thing over and over again.
I detest people talking behind my back.
It is like I am a criminal and doing something wrong....which I did not.
Spending time together is really sweet and nice. But it just feels....not right. Something is just missing.
I want to go shopping hand in hand.
Hang out at some restaurant or cafe holding your hand.
Strolling anywhere holding your hand.
Telling people I am bringing my boyfriend.
You bringing me to your outings as your girlfriend and not just a friend.
Stayovers over the weekends...or staycations when we want some alone time.
Hiding is tiring. I am tired of hiding.
Sometimes I wonder if this is worth it all.
I have forgotten how to trust men.
I am scared of loving them.
I am scared of them hurting me.
Frankly speaking, it is still a fear I have yet to overcome.
I doubt myself sometimes..can I do this?
Is there really love forever, till death do us apart?

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 6:20:00 PM

It has been a really long time since I updated this blog...like..nearly 2 mnths? Just discovered that I can start blogging with my
iPhone! Wahahaha..previously it could load but it was not possible to type anything into e box and I was pretty disappointed...

Really busy..working almost every single day cuz there is a lack of staff..doing ALL morning shifts..alternating between 6am and 7am..really tiring..now its a norm for me to start feeling really tired at 10.30pm and wanted to go to bed b4 11pm..gone are my night owl days and clubbing days.....omg..old!!! Sometimes after work just feel like going home to take a nap..uhoh..signs of oldness!! Haa..

Am really glad that ur leg is getting better day by day..we have really been through alot during this really short span of knowing each other..i know ur mum side is really tough but I'm really glad that u try ur best to accompany me when it is possible..was super sad abt e leg thing...followed by ur sudden transfer..I wonder when things will ever be peaceful..hopefully soon..I'm really really tired and when these things happen sometimes i feel like breaking down....

Tomorrow is gonna be a great day (:

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 9:46:00 PM

Truthfully speaking..my life now is crazy..
work work work..last week..due to some last min screw ups..i had to help T1 at night..for 2 consecutive days..FULL SHIFT..i survived..wth..thank u ml for letting me claim cab fare home..

exams are round e corner..seriously, i'm not very worried..tax has always been pretty straight forward..even in SMU..aiya..as long as u know can already rite?? BUT the challenge is to quote e actual section for every single thing..u even have to write the basic stuff..like 'This is assessable income', 'Sale of land is a CGT event A1' etc etc..and they are all worth marks! now i know y i didnt score for my test when i'm very very sure i knew how to do 8 out of 10 of my qns..crap...AHHH....

meeting up w a stranger tmr..abit unsure y we are meeting up..but yeah..since he's flying off n i'm at e airport..y not..anw, i work for his company..so juz go with an open mind...

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 9:10:00 PM

People walk in and out of our lives...i have to accept that..

I guess only fate will let us meet again one day...

still sick after a week..CRAP...

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 11:37:00 PM

nowadays i dunno if i'm happy or not..kinda confusing..maybe am too busy to sit down to actually have anytime for myself..i guess..thats not v gd..work is draining up all energy......

seriously do not like e phrase 'now u so busy so u have no time to meet me...' whatever..

i feel like i'm changing..not exactly for e better or for e worse..but perhaps i need time to adjust...

sometimes i wonder wat it will b like today if things were different..

but i also know that with situation now..it is nearly impossible to turn time back..some scars n pain are juz too deep..i definitely cannot imagine wat it would b like to turn back..hiaz..

met up w angel n qh..supposed to meet emu but it was too rush for her..so juz e 5 of us..it was nice meeting ym..heard so much but nvr got to see in person..qh got a job! but not liking it..oh wells..i guess we need a few stepping stones to find out wat we really want yeah?

for e first time in my life..i actually went to squeeze with the Singapore crowd to go see fireworks! weee..so happy..yv brought her camera..hope she'll upload pics this time..i got video! wahaha..n we were running around to find a gd spot cuz we went there pretty late like ard 7.45pm n it was like closed everywhere cuz of e crowd n all e barricades..next yr we shld book a hotel room....hehe........

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 10:40:00 AM

To You:

Good memories are a many. I will definitely remember all the memories that we shared.

Once again I'm sorry for causing this mess. I really wanted to try again, but after careful consideration I decided not to, for many reasons.

We had many dreams. Dreams which we will never fufil.

Thank you for...

supporting me when I left school

introducing me lots of nice yummy food

enduring never ending phone calls n sms n scheduling, i.e. being with a workaholic

accepting my love for soft toys

taking care of me when I was really ill

giving advice for my work

helping me with my workload

listening to my woes n unhappiness

being there

your love

etc etc.

I really hope that one day you can push away those feelings and we remain as good friends.

it wasnt easy for me today to face you. Sigh.

I miss you.

Love you (:

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 1:35:00 AM

Malacca trip was great!

Recently have been going on trips with no planning..just go! lols...

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 11:14:00 PM

i guess we nvr know wat's in e future..

we cant predict wat's gonna happen next..

as of now..we're happy..and that's great.. (:

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 10:56:00 PM

i'm happier now. yup (:

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 11:47:00 PM

honestly, i really no longer know wat to write here..everyday seems to flash by..sometimes i feel like i'm not on this planet..like my soul is whisked off somewhere..

One thing for sure --- Phuket was GREAT! e weather was welcoming, e crowd, e streets, e nightlife..and for once it was a plan-less trip except for e massage appointment we made on our 2nd day there..every night we juz walked e streets n stopped whenever we feel like stopping..shopped when we feel like..n bot things if we feel we really needed them..

e 3rd day..it rained in e morning..but it stopped around 10am i managed to get about 6-7hrs of sunshine..wee..and i picked up my guts n tried para-sailing and gone for jet skiing..e jet skiing..as i sat behind mr. expert..he brought me way out to sea..to see the other beaches nearby..n we crossed e sea to e other side of patong beach..wow..it was scary but it was a wonderful experience..and...i also gotta try jet skiing! (:

i'm back w a lovely tan..plus some burn..but i'm loving it...

for all those who have been with me..n know wat has been happening to me..i wanna let u know that i really wanna close this episode n that i dont wanna shed anymore tears..n juz wish this episode will not b mentioned any longer..it has been a very painful n tiring process..am still tired but i'm trying to look on the brighter side of things..it's seriously very tiring but i'll try my best.. (:

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 2:20:00 PM

你不会 lyrics

第一次拥吻以前我们找不到语言

但听见彼此灵魂多渴望永远

贴心后嘴角的甜摩擦后眼角的咸

一起懂爱和真爱的差别

你送的杯子里面还装着温热感觉

你给的每个纪念都排在窗沿

相机是牵手两年围巾是东京五天

戒指是又哭又笑的道歉

我不相信你心中现在她最美

你不会你不会你不会把我们的爱踩碎

我不相信你口中会讲出后悔

你不会你不会你不会不心疼我拒绝被看见的泪

当初被激烈反对你安静却没妥协

对我更好来瓦解别人的偏见

我生气时总几天我倔强口不择言

是你紧抱我到情绪沉淀

我不相信你心中现在她最美

你不会你不会你不会把我们的爱踩碎

我不相信你口中会讲出后悔

你不会你不会你不会不心疼我拒绝被看见的泪

我不相信重来的幸福在脱轨

你不会你不会你不会留残酷让我面对

我不相信累积的回忆都损毁

你不会你不会你不会舍得我留一滴像乞讨的泪

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 10:23:00 AM

i dunno wat to post any more..

i'm juz in this bad nightmare..

looking forward to Phuket tmr..

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 11:04:00 PM

[MV] S.H.E 你不會 (HIM)

So addicted to this song.....sad...

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 12:19:00 AM

party on wed...was alright..could b better..not enuff mambo songs! but it was still fun meeting up w mel mel pam n cheryl!

went to sit e new slide at T3..supposedly singapore's tallest indoor slide..pity i missed e cut off date for airport staff..only managed to sit e single floor slide! nitto spend $30 den can sit the 3-floor slide..next time ba!

finally worked w fei again! so happy..haha..happy day..as usual...tats us (:

Broiler on Sat with ivy, janet, sam n dewei! bottle bottle..gd music..tats e way! n for ONCE i brought a camera..wahaha..

thanks for coming to send me home..its sweet..but i'm really ok..though in a bad mood n need drinks but i do know how to control my drinks ya? (:

2 days of tired legs...haha..n it was my 10th n final day at work at T1 b4 my off day! weee..anw shanon's back...so i would get off anw le..he's so weird..dont wanna clear his RO den let part-timer work..spoil feelings only lor..one entire mnth no part-timers! need help den call us..no need us give us ZERO shift..AH! *scream!*

played badminton yst...e person who call me go nvr go..kinda weird initially but aiya..i can adapt anywhere! qh supposed to come to play with me..but she fell sick..i need practise! my skills are going doooooooowwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..

we went pp for steamboat cuz yvonna wanted to hav steamboat..den we went back AMK for K! weee....happy happy...i love k n will nvr get sick of k....when is e next round? haha..w pam or lh, or dave or bro or emu? wahaha...

outing today..but they refuse to tell me where we're going..HHMMPPHH! i'll juz bring my camera just in case...hehe.. (:

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 10:59:00 AM

i'm looking forward to party 1 tmr..and part 2 on sat!

so many things i wanna say..i managed to share most of it on Sat..it was like a relieve to finally say it out..i so really wanted to tear..but i managed to hold back..be strong!

i wanna sing k..waiting for Dave to jio..wahaha..my voice is getting better soon!

work work work.....so happy to b back at T2 on Mon..feels so homely..i'm still permanent resident of T1 till Shanon comes back...oh wells..T1 isnt that bad..fun working w e pple there too.. (:

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 12:40:00 AM

oh yay! exams have ended! WEEEE..lets see.how did i spend my time after exams? lie on my sofa..see a doc...eat rice n watch drama serials...how sad..i shld b outside having fun!! falling sick seriously sucks..n this morning i was so afriad i couldnt make it to exams cuz i was shivering from e inside! aiya..haha..mind over body..i survived!

omg..i realised today i hav so many bills to pay..i totally forgot that i have a citibank card which does not debit directly from my account...shit shit shit..i totally overspent this month..Jay Chou n e watch was e big killer...ahhhhhh..cal is in deficit! n i cant work to earn more $$ cuz i'm sick..crap..rarely take mc but i'm now on 2 days mc..!

ok think happy..jay chou is so worth..since i finally managed to buy it online! n e watch...its really nice..of all e 1000++ watches in e shop this particular one caught my eye..it should mean something ya? and i got it at 30% discount..so it was a great deal too!

lols. blog tmr. sick pple shld slp...

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 12:15:00 AM

nothing major happened this week..work.study.work.stop work..study! met up with Dave n Gerald to study..gd gd..productive..i like! thanks dave dave for sending me here n there..wahaha.. HD AH! (:

ever since my poor toe got it's huge injury earlier this yr i've been putting off playing badz for fear tat e nail will drop out..but..still went to play on Tues w SH n her frens..feels superly good holding e my bao bei racket n wearing my bao bei shoes once more..pity didnt get tat much of a workout..but i still suffered from a pain left waist n right butt..weird..

travelling around singapore tat day..had dim sum w jh at pp..den meet sh at paya lebar..go yio chu kang..den go bugis eat fish head steamboat..den go tamp to eat ice cream..lol..FAT AH!! all e workout wasted..i shld hav joined dave at east coast to study at nite..haha..

yst was suddenly looking at my bro..den was thinking back wat was i doing this time 6yrs ago..............i think i was:

in TPJC. juz broke up. damn upset. in depression. having fun with C Maths. playing my last inter school game at Tamp Sports Hall. handing over as badz captain. oh wells...haha..

i really nitto lose weight..feeling e tummy coming..ARGH..but today JH said that i looked fatter 2 yrs back judging from our Taiwan photos..eh..maybe is juz THAT particular photo i look fat..e rest look great! i was like comparing with other pple my fatness today..oops..ok..i shld juz lose all that unnecessary fats n stop complaining! (:

back to MA...

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 1:06:00 AM

feeling tat i'm starting not to understand myself..wat is wrong with 2010? issit e fact with me being a tiger n this yr being The Year of the Tiger?

babe u're right. it all started because of this kiss on 1st Jan 2010..everything went haywire from there and den..how shld i put it...spinning out of control..totally..

i'm a coward..i cant face e music..not only could i not tell u..i carried e burden with me n contd our trip..i'm sorry i treated u tat way..i was angry with myself n took it out on u..i hope u understand..it took me lots of courage to tell u cuz i really dont wanna hide it from u any longer..thank u qh for listening to me n my tears n giving me advice..love u lots..

forgiving myself is e hardest thing..but i promise u i'll try..i'm really glad u told me tat u hav forgiven me..i had a wonderful time last nite..it really felt like we went back in time..

argh i shld stop being so freaking emo..

so tired.

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 11:22:00 PM

wish JH a happy happy birthday! we went Marche for lunch..den we wanted to go to this famous spa at ION Orchard..upon reaching there it really looked very ATAS..finally deciding on what to get..we were told that they were fully booked for the day..omg..so we headed to paragon..wow..also fully booked..no choice..so we called e same place we went to last yr..and off we go!

JH did the facial + body massage + leg massage..whereas i did a spa package which consisit of:

1. Cocoa scrub

2. Chocolate wrap

3. Heat therapy

4. Full body massage

the most xiong was the chocolate wrap..it felt really good to see my body covered in chocolate and wrapped in it..but it was really hot hot HOT! i was perspiring like crazy until e lady was like asking why i perspire so much that even my face is dripping wet! still..........SHIOK!

Thurs was last min studying with Dave Dave at East Coast Beach...hmmm..dis test like no motivation..no idea why...so i guess it was gd that he jio me out to study otherwise i think i'll end up not studying even if i'm at home..i guess cuz it's too near to final exams so studying for a MCQ test seems so unappealing!

Butter on Friday! Pam's bday..its e biggest grp i've ever had so far..mix of all friends! n bottles are so expensive..why oh why...i think i'll nvr ever hav such a big grp..either that...own friends open own bottle..so luan..anw, bottom line is TO HAVE FUN! music was gd too! weee.....

ok no more clubs and it's all books from now...

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 8:36:00 PM

my legs are so tired! going to stop work soon..nitto concentrate on exams....

presentation on friday sucked..didnt know wat i was talking..but i juz kept on talking..muz b too affected..

sat was my first day at T1..temporarily transferred there for a month to help out..first impression..cold n empty..maybe cuz e layout is straight and long..and it was so boring! me n ella were like playing games n eating non stop..omg!

nite went for Shanon's bday party..sh ella flav n i went early for happy hr..free entry too! cool...pam, bday girl n frens came ard 1030..n from there is fun fun fun! we gotta put some cake on shanon's face..haha..n shanon opened a henessy for us.. *loves loves*

lots of things happened recently..so extreme! oh wells..exams come FIRST!

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 10:12:00 AM

some things are juz so unpredictable..

some things juz make u really sad..

some things juz make u smile from e bottom of e heart..

some pple can nvr b forgotten n r parked in a special place of my heart..

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 12:08:00 AM

so much to do.so much to think abt.so tired...

7 days of work is no joke.i think i'm growing old.HAHA! wat happened to me n my never ending energy?

decided not to work for OGL's Navy Open House..although i really love OGL, e pple n their events..n dis is really something i really look forward to..but seriously, e pay is kinda pathetic..i really really wan e sun..maybe i'll juz drop by one of e days ..hee..

went to shop w Songhui at bugis..seem like ion ages since i've shopped there! got wat i wanted.. thanks for accompanying me (:

went to hav coffee with Shanon (& Kaela) and Songhui (w Elizabeth) at Tamp Starbucks..walking there..i looked like e lightbulb of 2 couples.seriously! lol..great fun..nvr ending crap..meet up soon!

Butter on Sat..more and more fun..w diao, yk, pam n flavian..music was seriously good..drinks were good good too! ahhhhhh y i always kena sabo at 5 10...diao..u are really out to make me drunk..MEAN but i still love u la..haha..

IVY CHAN! next round k..u'll b there..no worries!

something happened along e way..i kinda expected it but not so soon..so although i was a little prepared but it still came to me as a little shock..talk abt randomness...but it still warmed my heart..weird but yeah..it did...maybe?

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 2:41:00 AM

S.H.E. concert on Sat!! so exciting!!

bro n i wanted to go Kallang Leisure Park for dinner..only to find it packed to e max..like any shopping mall (or maybe worse) in Orchard Rd..WOW..so we decided to take e newly opened Circle Line down to have dinner! undecided, we took e safest route n went to Paya Lebar..only 5mins! wee so fun..back at Stadium in less than an hr..

wahaha..i saw Harj! didnt manage to see Bun till after e entire concert ended..happen to see her at e exit..lol...anyway.................

S.H.E. concert is so fun! worth e amount i paid for..we still used a binoculars to see them real big and clear! haha...i audio (video) recorded e entire concert in parts..have yet to upload them on facebook..NO TIME!

played mahjong on Sunday...weee....i won BIG BIG! but still lost $$ overall..how come?!?!?! ):

start of crazy weeks at SGH..are we that short of staff? where did everybody go?

whilst bathing i juz realised...........exams are in less than a mnth's time! OMG! time to redo my schedule request tmr b4 i die studying for MA and FRS...

met up w emu, angel n qh yst! so fun!! camwhore!! love u guys la...yes yes..we shld jio ms yong out...n K soon...i miss my S.H.E. pei yin and my duets! ah leo ah leo...faster set a date n i shall block my day for u and u only! haha...

dad is stuck in Munich (he was supposed to go Frankfurt btw) thanks to e cheem name volcano..he supposed to come back like on Saturday..n now it is finally confirmed he's coming back dis Saturday..wow..8 days of 'holiday'...

2 days of long conversations with songhui..left w lots to think abt..tmr work will b spent in deep thought...............hopefully time will pass faster!! *prays hard*

anyone hav ideas for a bday prez for guys?

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 11:02:00 PM

Juz a random entry.....cuz it's partly driving me nuts (n i'm 99% sure u dont read my blog.HAHA!)

and u know wat..........

u're driving me nuts!

i'm not sure if it's a mind game we're playing here but it so definitely feels like it..kinda like reverse psychology..n so far playing mind games i usually win..reverse psychology..i hav learnt to block out alot of it...BUT..i think i'm still falling for it..

maybe i'm falling for you..haha...

darling..u win...

if YOU ever read this..n you know it's YOU...pls tell me u read this..LOL..

scribbled by =CaLiStA= at 11:43:00 AM