words cant describe how i feel right now

words cant describe how i feel right now..

i keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again!!

i think i seriously need a guardian angel that will drill instructions and reminders into my head every few minutes.

too thoughtless. too careless. too stupid.

what a fool!!

i must be the most stupid girl alive. period.

on a brighter note, when i look back in a few years time i would be like..

at least i had had all these stupid life experiences? lol

i am determined, very determined, to stop.

:)

encased in a shell

i realised i've built a wall so high up around myself that...

im blocking everyone else out.

this link depicts what i feel at the moment

lol.

that is exactly how i feel now.

im out meeting ppl, meeting as many ppl as i can.

but i have a shell protecting myself from getting hurt again, from getting taken advantage of again by others.

But you’ve built them so high that you set men up for failure before they even start. And I’m warning you to be careful. Cause the Woman inside those walls is absolutely beautiful…but she’s blocking out any chance she may have at love and happiness; she’s becoming her own prisoner.”

have i become my own prisoner already? lol

FOOD

these days..all i can think about is food, food, food, and... MORE FOOD! lol

not really sure why..

is this a sign of aging? lmao

it's like..

i used to be able to gym at least two-three times a week and spend like an hour in the gym.

now?

15 mins into gym and i'll be wanting to leave already!!

instead..during the day at work..all i can think about is food. lol

now all i really want is to spend more time and money on eating.

seriously..eating yummy food makes me soooo happy. it fills up my stomach, it brightens my mood :) dw im still skinny. haha.

gonna start exploring and trying out diff food places..wheeeee.

cant wait to go to sydney again and eat lowenbrau keller and hurricane grilllll :P

<3

drained

so frigging tired.

cant take long weekends anymore.

talk about bad luck, SUCH BAD LUCK!!

hopefully things will get better..o.o my back hurts >.<

AGAIN?

suddenly feeling nostalgic

wtf? lol

so everyone was out partying last night for merdeka where as i was out watching movie. nearly fell asleep watching captain america but thats probably cos i was super tired.

stayed till the end after credits cos there was a preview to the avenger!! that movie's gonna have Thor, Captain America & IronMan starring in it. teehee.

Friends had fun at chaplin on monday night without me!!!

all the fun im missing out on!! pfft.

having a pretty slack day today..

hand's feeling itchy again..

shopping?

probably need a retail therapy, mehhhhh.

low

driving is definitely making me go brokeeee ): totally low on cash now. that i dont even shop anymore!

lol, i have to pay for fuel, wash the car (even though i only washed it once o.o haha), but the worst part of it is getting fined! omg..imagine all the money i could have used for. got fined twice for parking infringement. babi...i am so broke.

i think im working now just for the sake of paying off my bills and shit.

like, i had to pay the excess fee for my car, my leg infection a few months back.. and fines. FINEEESSS. lol much.

but on the brighter side, at least having a car allows me to meet up with my friends more, so my social life aint that sad anymore. i used to have to come home early..

or just had to have second thoughts about going out cos then i wouldnt be able to come home if i stayed out too late. and going to work is so much more easier and relaxing now.

i am grateful for everything.

things happen for a reason, im sure.

there's always a reason why we meet new people and lose some friends. and apparently im known as a rejector. or maybe i'm just plain mean.

and er,
HAPPY MERDEKA!! i know it's tmrw, but yeah.

meow~i just got tics to kpop fest in sydney. even more reason for me to stay home now.

second thoughts

why do i keep having second thoughts?

am i thinking too much? reading to much into every detail?

i'm completely at a lost now that i dont even want to make any decision at all.

afraid one step forward, means moving further apart from what i might actually really want.

but?

i dont really know what i want at the moment.....

Buddha, guide me please. ^^

to koreaaa!!

woohoo

finally booked tickets to korea baby!!!

in may next year..still a long way away..but yeah!

AM SUPER EXCITED!!!

cant waittttt. kkkkkkkkk

Korea

So why do i love korea so much???

and why do i go crazy when i hear korean speak??

or even at the sight of korean words??

and why do i want to go to koreaaaa so much????

kimchi fever baby!!

Running Man totally rocks, the funniest show ever...love how they set up the whole thing and how funny MC jaesuk is. love how they go to those night markets and nomnomnom on crazy yummy korean local food~~ i want!!!

or is it realy just the craze over korean celebs like lee min ho and kim bum? XD

and look at how cool the korean words are...lmao
and i especially love korean food cos it's just absolutely yummy!! :D i can eat korean food everydaayyyyyy ^_^

soooo.. to korea i goooo!!!

<3

heart's light like a feather

heheheehhe

im so happy.

dont even know why i was so emo about this whole situation, but i've finally come out of that hole.

so ridiculous, the whole thing.

why did i ever even feel so bothered about it?

seriously, i should stop thinking abt unnecessary things.

i just got the shock of my life last night, after receiving some reply from the ex.

i msged him before saying im moving on and thanks for everything and shit and let's be friends with a :) smile.

and he replied saying,

"stop trying to act cool, cos i know you (he says im insecure and all but how's that even relevant?)..and he said reading this just makes him laugh."

errrr wtf???? pathetic.

i was being sincere, i meant what i said..

and wtf? he had to reply with that piece of shit, saying stuff like "too bad he didnt get the chance to fix my insecurity",

pissed me off like hell.

so this whole breakup is an excellent idea. lol

forgotten how ridiculous he can be, he just doesnt seem to think he's the ridiculous one.

proposing the breakup, yet putting on fb status that he needs stupid love songs now to cheer him up, making his friends all comfort him when he doesnt even need it.

lol.

freaking ridiculous and hilarious.

ok, after venting all this,

i'm not gonna give a crap about this anymore.

:D

stop thinking and just live

someone told me that i need to just stop thinking and start to live.

lol but is it right to just stop thinking and just do whatever, whenever???

but then again, i tend not to think too much either. if that makes sense.

i think im the type that thinks too much about unnecessary things and tend to neglect thinking about important things like my work life or stg.

lol much??

i donno, but my rships never lasts.

lol, i should stop thinking. >.<

interests

I'm in need of some new interests.

any suggestions?

something to fill my free time up properly..perhaps, cooking? ^^

I saw some korean recipes online..and some people are really capable of whipping up some absolutely tasty-looking dishes..but then again, i'm never really a huge fan of cooking.

Simple steamed eggs :)

hmmm..

independence

being here in aus is all about being independent

everyday is like a lonely stroll down the same path

waking up, going into the shower, driving to work, testing patients, lunch, gym/straight home, dinner and sleep.

nothing really motivates me at the moment, except to earn money for the sake of earning money.

i used to earn money so i could go out to watch movies/shop to doll up nicely/eat good food.

i guess im borned to be like this.

i never really had any passion for anything.

when i was younger, i tried dancing/drawing/play the organ/learn arithmetics etc..

and never once have i ever accomplished a good end result.

i mean well, i did well when i was learning to do it..but that's it.

i never did continue towards the end till i eventually actually gained a proper talent.

so now, im left with no talent at all..

unless u count being alone, emo-ing and eating as a talent :D

i had a really bad day yesterday..

coupled with my already pretty lousy mood for the past week,

encountering an inpatient in the hospital wasnt exactly my idea of a good end to my day at work.

i donno if it was the way i explained it to her, or she was most probably just really blur in the head..but she COULD NOT perform the technique properly at all.

being the stubborn me, i kept trying to explain it to her..and even demonstrating it to her myself...yet she still wasnt able to do it properly.

i was completely frustrated to the point that i almost teared up.

and i felt so hopeless..with no one there to rely on. i dont even have my usual source of comfort anymore. no one to whine to, and manja to.

i mean of course i have my family and friends, but normally i dont really like expressing my feelings. that would just make me feel really useless.

maybe staying here isnt such a good idea after all.

my family is always there for me, i know it, and

my friends are all over the place..and even though i can feel their support

it still really aint enough.

at the end of the day, when i'm at home and just about to go to bed..

i'm ultimately alone. under the sheets, hugging the teddy bear..indulging in my own thoughts.

even falling asleep stimes can be hard..or at times i just force myself to sleep so as to forget all the thoughts that has been tormenting me when i am awake.

strangely, im really down in my mood today. i've been okay since the break up, not perfectly fine..but definitely okay. i thought the break up was a good idea..i accepted it, and i lived with it. but seriously, changes arent easy.

the thought of not having anyone there to rely on anymore and just spend quality time with, really puts my mood down.

eating good food to comfort myself..yeah, just a temporary relief which well..might probably result in me complaining that im fatter lol.

i guess im just lost cos im all alone again. perhaps just missing the company..more so than the feelings for the other half.

urgh. im gonna be happy again after gym today. and oh, i had some winter veg soup for lunch and it was totally yuck )= so much for trying to eat healthy food haha

love,

carol

Holiday!

i absolutely want to go on a holidayyyy.

holidaysss more like it... everywhere!

To korea! to Bali! to Thai! )):

yippedoopedooo!! definitely must go to one.. shalll have stg to look fwd tooo :)

<3

life goes on

life goes on.

i keep reminding myself that it's for the better.

well, i do know it is for the better..

but i guess it's not easy to move on so easily.

easier said than done. o.o

i'll be fine :)

Memories

What a life I had when your on my side
Sharing happy thoughts,laughing together
And the things I can never forget
Are the happy moments we have shared
Hope you can remember
All the days that we were together

To say goodbye is the hardest thing to do
Cause our memories etched deeply in my heart
But there’s nothing I can do
Is to go even if it hurts
Yet the thought of u will never be forgotten.

Memories so sweet to remember
It lingers in my heart and in my mind
For it’s the only lasting reason
That holds you dear forever
I’ll be back,wish we could be together….

This poem was written/submitted by Meg Donna R. Aba-a.

....but i guess we weren't meant to be.

:)

life goes on

i guess i got my wish.

was complaining how everyday was repetitive and that there should be more to our rship.

and i got just that.

am single again.

wouldnt say that im completely unaffected by it, but what can i say?

we spent 5 months together, there's bound to be memories that reminds me of him.

but yeah, i do think it's for the better too.

but to be friends? i hardly think that's possible.

hi and bye friend, yeah.

but not ones that can share their problems etc. i dont think that's possible at all.

haha.

stimes i think, will i ever find the one?

people say you'll know for sure when u meet the right one, and so far..

i still havent come across that at all.

i think i need to start changing the criteria i look for in guys.

stable ones, carol, stable ones. :)

okay, i'll finish off with Roly Poly by T-ara.

cute and bubbly song.

dreams

i just had a dream again today.

and the meaning of the dreams are really accurate.

happened before last year too, and the meaning really depicted what i was feeling that time.

this time..

i dreamt that i got lost while i was taking a train..

and i was brought to a really faraway place.

while taking the train, i called someone to seek for help. but i didnt get any.

had to ask for help from a passenger on the train.

then after i got off at a platform to catch another train back the other way,

i encountered a ghost while i wanted to use the toilet, and ended up running back out feeling scared.

Lost.

To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. If you try to call for help, then it means that you are trying to reach out for support. You are looking for someone to lean on. Alternatively, being lost means that you are still adjusting to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

Ghost.

Ghosts are representative of something that is no longer obtainable or within reach. It indicates that you are feeling disconnected from life and society. Try to figure out what the ghosts wants or what it is looking for. The dream may also be a calling for you to move on and abandon your outdated modes of thinking and behavior.

lol super accurate the dreams.

mehh. :)

purpose.

life is boring.

i need some changes, something different. mehhhh

why so repetitive and uninteresting??

):

been learning korean

at least i can read and write now, kinda.

but i still dont know alot of vocabs and i can't structure the sentences either.

kpop fest in sydney on nov 12! ons mou??? :P

sighss...

i should post more pics of my past few months here in aus eh.

just blogging cos im bored.

and trying to figure out what to do with my life.

i dont have anything to look fwd to at all everyday >.<

even my rship is just meh..there's the ups and downs, the good and bad. but stimes i just feel like there should be more to it.

guess we cant always expect everything that we want.

pretty sure i myself aint perfect, far from it. so i have no right to judge or complain i guess.

even restraining myself from being too clingy/needy. in a way, it makes me not who i am.

i wanna be manja every single time, but i donno. seems like it aint good to be needy.

need to have my own life outside my relationship, i reckon~

ok signing off.

posse's housewarming

the day started with me hanging out with jay at chaddy. went back for a nap, then rushed down to the city to meet the rest for dinner. posse and daniel just moved down to the city at A'beckett Tower.

had yummylicious traditional brisket and wonton noodle soup from wonton house.:)

went back to the apartment, to prepare for some light drinking session.

with minming:)

the guys bought three toy guns..and was shooting at each other stime during the night. kids. lol

then us girls got kinda bored halfway thru cos the guys were mostly playing ps3 during breaks/smoking.

posse's brunei friend got abit drunk..we all tot he was fine cos he was js lying down at one side being the linesman while we played drinking games. bt he ended up puking his guts away that night lol :S

toodles.

with the boy :)

went to chaddy during the weekend to window shop..yeah note window shopping. no $$ to actually shopppp.

but somehow im always itching to get something 0.o girls girls. sighs.

already bought two consecutive times off gmarket so NO to shopping. oh well.

jay got this fake glasses off gmarket, so with that..we fiddled around with my new Canon s95:)

:)

my new year resolution

i absolutely want to earn heaps of money and save up heaps.

that's my resolution (:

no more shopping..? lol

happy new year 2011!

hiya

happy new year!!!!!

hope 2011 brings a better year ahead for all of us. :D

cheers.