Big gril panties...

So after my pity party of the past couple of days, I put on my "big girl panties" and decided I wasn't serving anyone by feeling sorry for them.

I'm guessing if you read enough blogs about parenting or life for that matter, where the people are being honest and sharing, certain cycles emerge.

Goals, failure, pity party, finding your "boot straps" or "big girl panties" and start again. Ugh!

My kids were helping move some furniture around and they found two heirlooms.

A love letter Chris wrote to me while we were engaged. And a list I had made of the person I wanted to be. I made the list a couple of years before I met Chris.

When I was 19 I had a questionable crowd around me. Good people for the most part, just not heading anywhere. Anywhere but rehab or living with their parents forever.
That wasn't what I wanted for my life. I don't know exactly why, but I listened to an inner voice helping me to question where I was headed and if I wanted to go there.

I wanted to be educated. I wanted to be a wife for 50 years or more. That kind of wife. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be a servant and a dear friend to those I love.

So, I made a list of the things I thought I would need to be for that to happen.

My daughter found it first. She read through it and and said, "Well, you are all but 2 or 3 of these things." Then she did an informal survey of the others at home. Each answered the same way.

What am I lacking?

They decided; I do not have a good memory, I am certainly not quick or athletic, and sometimes I am not very teachable. Hmmm.

The rest of the list...the things I am,

smart, compassionate, good mother, outgoing, faithful, sensible, sense of humor, honest, affectionate, loving, thoughtful, independent thinker, passionate, opinionated, and ambitious.

It was such a blessing to have this conversation on the heels of the weekend I had.

My kids had a few choice other characteristics to add to the list, but I'm busy feeling good about my life today. So we'll just forget about those.

Where do obese hearts go?

Emotional obesity. Where your heart is so heavy from absorbing the stress, hurts, challenges, and choices of those you care about, I'm left feeling the need for a "compassion" diet. Feeling emotionally bloated.

Needing a Stress laxative.

Children who grow up in a perfect environment are in no way prepared to be functioning adults. I believe that, I really do. And yet, I carry the weight of our imperfect life and it's effects on my family.

If only I could be Spiritually obese, or financially obese, lol.

As all mothers, I love my children immensely. And cognitively I know their choices are not my own, nor are they necessarily my fault, and yet...

Just like I cognitively know eating a pint of ice cream isn't what I really need, I chow down anyway.

I absorb my children's lives the same way. Yesterday I had conversations with my children within moments of one another that left me feeling as though I had done everything wrong. Or was simply absent. It's intense to be invisible and essential at the same time.

I want to lose weight. Emotional weight. I want to not be held hostage by my teens and young adults and afraid to wake everyday for fear of what they will come up with next!

I mean seriously, would having made my kids make their beds everyday have changed the outcomes I am seeing? I realize that if their choices are a result of my behavior, then somehow I have control over their choices and outcomes. But I don't. Influence, yes, but control no. Responsibility? Nope, that is theirs as well.

I believe in redemption. I pray that if I can find peace with my flaws, then the collateral damage caused by them can be diminished as well.

January 11, 2011

So far I have done really well on my goals. I am excited for this year, although having 2 young adults and 3 teenagers also makes me apprehensive. I understand so well the need to take care of myself so that I can be completely available to them, both spiritually and emotionally.

I am really inspired by the blog "A Homebased Mom". She keeps a list of all the books she reads in a year. Because I love literature so much, I can see how that becomes like a journal. The books I read and the people/characters in them become a part of my day. In many ways they shape my perspective on the world around me and my own behavior. I've decided to do the same this year. In fact I'm thinking I will do a book journal. Many of the books I read last year had very strong parallels to my life while I was reading them. Of course, my scriptures do the same. I really need to keep a scripture journal,as I can see how that would be something of use later on. Both to me and to anyone who comes across it.

Imagine if you actually had your grandmothers thoughts on a verse or chapter of a book/scripture. It would be like having her right here! My Grammie was my best friend, and I would love to be able to feel like I was still having conversations with her. I recently found one of her cookbooks. I've started using recipes from it because it helps me to feel close to her again. In the book was a hand written recipe in her handwriting. I'm not usually a sentimental person with objects, but that piece of paper means so much to me now. Silly, probably, but that's the fun of it. I don't really care if it's silly.

I also cleaned out my closet. I got rid of all the things that really don't fit me anymore. That was tougher and easier than I thought it would be. I've never "outgrown" my clothes before. Even when I was pregnant, I never really gained a lot of weight, so I could wear my regular clothes most of my pregnancy. Now I am the heaviest I have ever been. Even full term I weighed less than I do now. I had no idea I was a vain person until I started falling apart physically. I know other people don't notice it in the same way. The wrinkles and gray hair, but man, it is harder than I thought it would be. Growing up it never occurred to me that any of my friends mom's cared what they looked like. Isn't that funny. If you have seen me running my kids to school in my pj's, or walking my dogs in my husbands boots, it would appear I don't care either. But I do still care. I want to be attractive. For my husband, but also for people at large. Not attractive in the same sense, but pulled together.

And this started by talking about books....

I'm currently finishing the last book in the these is my Words series. It is much better than I anticipated. I am so invested in Sarah, the protagonist if you will. A great read. I'm hoping to tackle some Dickens this year, although I have promised my children I will finally read the Harry Potter books as well as Ender's Game.

My favorite books of 2010 were in no particular order...

The Ladies Auxiliary by Mira Tovis
Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen
Emma by Jane Austen
Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi
Out of Africa by Isak Dinesen
In an Instant by Lee and Bob Woodruff
The Flower and the Nettle by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Several of these are books I have read several times. Books I can pick up and start on any page and find respite and inspiration.

What books do this for you?

January 3, 2011

Goals for this week-

prayer with Chris daily
home cooked meals
check up on kids homework daily
scriptures daily
service daily

That should be enough. Kind of pitiful how basic some of these goals are. they are all things I have done regularly in the past, just fell out of the habit recently. I am thinking making weekly goals will work better for me than a yearly one.

A friend and I were discussing if we could just get a stamp with our teen/young adults names on them for the temple prayer roll instead of writing them every time.

Mormon humor, sorry.

I also LOVE being home alone!!! Really random post, but I am using this to document my thoughts for awhile.

I was listening to the radio and a lyric struck me, "we got all tangled up every chance we got" It reminded me of falling in love with Chris...hard. Head over heals, gaga, twitterpated! How thankful and lucky I am that he was such a good catch as well. That I still feel that way about him 22 years later. To not just love him, but to LOVE him. Adore him! Such a blessing.

January 1, 2011

Happy New Year! So the privacy thing isn't really in effect yet. I simply don't have the commitment level to go thru and find everyone's emails and invite them. So edit myself I shall, well, sort of.

We had a wonderful Christmas. This year I thought I'd actually, really simplify. I took out those traditions that seem to create stress for me. The point was to feel the true meaning of Christmas more intently. That is not what happened. All I did was simplify the sacrifice out of Christmas. In my attempt to feel joy, I canceled out the work. Which in effect, left out much of the joy.

We didn't make it to Temple Square. Yes, we have become, those Utah mormons. The ones that take it for granted. to be fair, I did get very sick. I'm thinking influenza, but couldn't get out of bed to get to the Dr, so there is no confirmation of that. I made it to Christmas Eve and then collapsed. Didn't resurface for several days. So I am cutting myself some slack on that one. I also didn't bake. That one killed me. I couldn't stand, but I missed out so much on the feeling of baking for my friends and neighbors. I thought of all those around me and my children, whose influence I appreciate so much. How much I want them to know they are thought of. Again, I realize, none of them noticed. But I did, I missed the doing it for them. Does that make sense?

We also have a tradition of a Nativity Family, which I have talked about here before. Didn't do that this year. Figured it was one of those "extras" we didn't need to stress about. Turns out, thinking of and praying for another family isn't stress at all. Taking the time to collect my family together and drop off a different piece of the Nativity to someone in need isn't work. It is the joy of Christmas.

In my attempts to focus on the true Spirit of Christmas, I left out Christ. I did read the four Gospels and focused on Christ, but without the doing, it has no meaning.

Next year I will welcome the stress and the business and I will drink it all in.