Anguish

I think the existence of joy has ceased to take place for the longest time.

Ok, I'll exclude the five days of life that H has kindly donated into my most pitiful life.

Just found the word to describe all that is within - Anguish. A quick check on Merriam Webster confirms it. Especially extreme pain. If God know this would cause extreme pain in my life, then why did He allow so? How can I, like G says, think of the little things that God has done in my life? To stop waiting for the miracle cos there are miracles within the small things? Lord, are You only concern about the small things?

Why have You allowed those close friends of mine get through... leaving me behind? I'm just so..... beyond words.

Anguish.

Bitter Heart

I love songs with loads of guitar... Stuff which sounds just like this :)



While I have this song within my phone for ages, I must say I found myself rather surprised with the music video. It doesn't quite represent its lyrics which I've ka-pok -


Sun rays come down as seen when they hit the ground,
Children spinning around till they fall down down down.
I wait for you: it's been two hours now,
You're still somewhere in town,
Your dinners getting cold.
I rest my case you are always this late,
And you know how much I hate waiting around 'round 'round,
Bitter heart, bitter heart tries to keep it all inside,
Bitter heart, bitter heart shadows will help you try to hide,
Bitter heart, my bitter heart is gettin' just a little fragile,
Bitter heart, bitter heart of mine.
And then you come and tell me the same reason as you did yesterday,
So tell me whats her name.
Doo doo da dum, doo doo da dum, doo doo doo doo doo doo da da dum dum, da da da da dum, da da da da dum, da da da da dum.
Bitter heart, bitter heart tries to keep it all inside
Bitter heart, bitter heart shadows will help you try to hide,
Bitter heart, my bitter heart is just getting a little fragile,
Bitter heart, bitter heart of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine.


I prefer to keep my bitter heart a little darker. Like how I refused to donate a single cent to my alma mater. Thanks for recognising my efforts for the past two years. You so deserve such a treatment.

inspirations for summer

Love this country-feel dress! PSST Zara carries quite a bit of that for their current collection. That explains the re-visitations, and perhaps, the ability to identify most of the pieces (and prices) there.



Something that I'll never be able to carry off, but still, pretty! Since it's supposingly summer, let's do without that coat then.



This is totally sweet! HUGS KISSES LOVE THIS BAG.



Like how she layered her clothes. I'll prolly do without the jeans.



My first love of scarves! Awwww. By the way have I ever mentioned this fabulous scarf that Tam and Haz got me? It looks similar to that!

I'll do another post about coats.. If I feel like it. I'm the queen of procrasination! -beams proudly-

God's word

Got this text from D who shared that he got first class honours for his degree. Amazing. Yet, I find myself thinking back to last year, in one of those prayer meetings where he encouraged me to hang on to His word blah blah blah.

Maybe God's word only works for some people?

I don't want to face God anymore.

Until He's ready to give me an answer.

Mental note: Plan how to incorporate games in SGEM!

When the tears won't stop.

I should be sparing all those folks on Twitter. So much that someone unfollowed me, and unfortunately I did find out who that is. Yeah totally holy shit get out of my life. Not that I ever needed you by my side anyway. Emotions overwhelming, I don't know how am I to do all the appeals and whatever not.

Half of me thinks that if God wanted me to get it, He would have given it already. An appeal would be futile. The other half thinks that if God has forgotten me, then hey, why should I sit here and wallow in self-pity? The world would still go on. And I'll be that insignificant little grain of sand.

It is precisely, with God in that picture that I struggle. Had God not been in the picture of my life, I can at least say that if that's fate, alright, so be it. Cos fate doesn't claim to love me, count every tear that I cry, wants the best for me, die for me on the cross, that I'm the apple of its eyes, and so on.

But He did.

I just need a testimony to hold on to.

ONE FUCKING TESTIMONY.

Knowing You, I know it isn't something that is hard for You to do.

THEN WHY?

YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME WHY.

I AM SO FUCKING JADED AS IT IS.

If not, there isn't any difference, believing in fate, and in You.

:(

tired of my life. goodbye hope.