ikea my love

this episode happened awhile ago, but i was just reminded of it by jefe. now throughout the story keep in mind, it has everything to do with ikea messing up and nothing to do with my hair color.

right when we moved to seattle and found an apartment, meghan decided to get sick. not sick as in “i can’t eat i can’t sleep…” but sick as in “i can’t sleep on the floor in a completely empty (and moldy) apartment.” (p.s. please don’t think we’re unsanitary – every house in seattle is moldy) so, me being the amazingly caring older sister i am decided that we should go to ikea and get a futon – that way, it can act as a bed until we get beds and then it can be our couch. brilliant.

we found the perfect one and took it home to start the assembly process. now if you’ve never purchased anything from ikea, i’ll fill you in on a little secret – you don’t need to be literate to read the instructions. there aren’t actually words telling you what to do – just fun little pictures that make hammering (and carrying giant cookie sheets while naked) look fun.

once we started building, it didn’t take long to realize that ikea is actually a furniture center for ants. everything looks normal size in the store, but only because it’s all relative right? if you’ve got a couch that’s half an inch off the ground, you can’t tell because the corresponding table is only a quarter inch off the ground. this project started to seem pointless – when you lie on a mattress as hard as a rock on a frame practically right on the floor, it there really a point? (that, by the way, is the definition of pointless – no point)

we were suckered in though. the pictures just looked so fun – we had to see what all the fuss was about for ourselves. finally, we got the entire thing together and it was looking (short) great! we had two seemingly identical pieces left (let’s be honest – every piece of this thing was seemingly identical). i grabbed one and to my not-too-surprised dismay, it was half an inch too long for where it was supposed to go. i was shocked this was the first time in the entire process that this happened. so we decided to go to home depot to get the half inch cut off (p.s. this is my plug for home depot. i love that place) they did a great job, too – that piece of wood fit like a charm after that! i grabbed the last remaining piece and was truly angry at ikea when it was half an inch too short… for those of you as blond as me, i had the two pieces mixed up – it’s ikea’s fault for not labeling things that look seemingly identical.

but in ikea’s defense, they do have a great return policy. we took back the futon, entirely mantled (except for that short piece..)

(by the way, those ikea carts don’t really hold things the size of a fully mantled (except for that short piece) futon – we looked quite ridiculous holding it on and pushing it through the store (don’t even get me started on the one-way store layout that makes you have to push a futon on a cart through the entire store before getting to the returns department))

we kindly explained to them that one piece was too short so this item just wasn’t going to work for us. in the end, i got a full refund for sawing off a half inch of furniture

the kids aren't alright

meghan and i went to my coworker’s house for a bbq a few weeks ago. we sometimes feel funny when we go places like this together because it’s usually a bunch of couples and us…the odd couple as riley likes to call us.

anyway, we always have a good time with food and people. emphasis on people. you know there’s something a little bit odd when you talk to a couple (not married but been dating for over 3 years) for at least 15 minutes about their lives and what they do, etc. and they only once, in very brief passing, mention “our kids” (i’m talking it may as well have been one word “archids”)

meghan and i left both a little curious and a lot intrigued by this little secret family. not intrigued enough to ever think about it again though.

then it happened, my coworker came to work with a sesame street gift bag and mentioned it was for this couple. “oh, for the archids?” was my natural, and once again intrigued, response. nope – not for the kids at all because actual kids did not exist with this couple. fake kids, however, were abundant. for whatever reason, this couple at some point in their relationship (or maybe it’s a yours/mine/ours situation..) decided that instead of having real kids, they would have sesame street stuffed animals (this is real) as their children. this means there are family pictures in the front room with “the kids.” they strap them in car seats. they even avoid fighting in front of the furry guys – elmo can’t handle seeing his parents fight.

we can’t wait until the next bbq. i request it be a family affair.

carnivorous tiles

also when i was in dc, i had the honor of showering in the circle of life shower. it's like watching animal planet only you get clean at the same time

america hearts robots

so remember how postal workers are known for being the absolute most awful people on the face of the planet (no offense to any postal service workers who might be reading this (probably none are, they’re all off stealing candy from babies and kicking small animals)). anyway, my point is still this – they are awful. where do you think they got the phrase “going postal” from? uh yeah – postal workers. i pretty much break out in hives whenever i have to physically go to the post office. i take a paper bag to breath into and practice not crying in front of my mirror for hours beforehand. also i have a mousy voice, so i practice not letting it get softer/higher/squeakier when i’m afraid because then nobody can hear me except for a 5-mile radius of dogs. i hear that postal workers eat you when they can’t hear you talk so i try to avoid that at all costs.

i was out visiting dc this weekend (i promise this still relates) where the government is rampant and everybody wears their uniforms with pride, even if their uniforms consist of tommy bahama flowers. the post offices are no different – they’re as post officey as they get. now i haven’t been back to dc for almost a year so i was surprised when not that much had changed. one morning, however, i was walking to my local smoothie king (not nearly as good as jamba juice, but sometimes you just have to deal) and suddenly saw this:

my first thought was “this has got to be illegal. i can’t even rip the sticker stating the pickup times off these freaking mailboxes without getting arrested. how do you paint an entire governmental symbol like r2d2?” this was before i knew what was really going on though. as far as i knew, some tag artist got really gutsy one day and ditched his spray paint for some acrylic and fine paintbrushes.

well, unbeknownst to me, star wars is having its 30th birthday this year and to help celebrate, our very own crusty postal workers have decided to paint various mailboxes around cities like the little space robot! now i appreciate a good nerd and definitely could be defined as one in a lot of regards, but a normal nerd (or tag artist) expressing his/her love for star wars is quite different than the world’s most malevolent (maybe second compared to nazis) group of workers creating these little monsters

reminds you of the revenge of the clones huh? yeah – these puppies are most definitely trained to steal candy and kick animals and are going to be on the corners of our streets and the front steps of our grocery stores. seriously people, this is scary. we as americans should make a stand. only when i get angry, my voice goes all high again and then nobody can hear me, so i guess i’ll just avoid those evil things and protest in my own silent way

meet milo

there’s a new man in my life. milo minderbinder (named after a character in the world’s best book catch 22) came to live with me and meghan yesterday. he’s about 13 weeks old and weighs 4 pounds (come on, it’s me – like i’d get anything bigger than that) he’s a morky (or a yorktese, morkie...), which is a yorkie, maltese mix and is absolutely the cutest thing i’ve ever seen in my life. he loves to sit on laps and plays with a stuffed animal beaver that’s as big as him. it’s ridiculous.

feel free to send cigars to welcome to new (and rambunctious) bundle of joy