reason 14,569 why cartoons don't depict real life

so i was flying back from atlanta on tuesday and was sitting next to this kid who was watching the flintstones. i hadn’t seen the flintstones in years and it really showed because i never remember thinking that show was so unrealistic. in my naïve little youngling mind, it always seemed like such a funny little prehistoric family just living their daily lives, driving cars with their feet and using terradactyl as clothespins. but as i was watching over this little kid’s shoulder (i know, i know – i didn’t pay $5 to watch it, so i shouldn’t stare at another person’s screen…i don’t think he minded/noticed), it all of a sudden crossed my mind, “how did fred get a blue tie??” i rushed back into my knowledge archives in desperate attempt to remember ever seeing any sort of historic animal with a cobalt hide..nothing came to mind.

a couple other things stood out in the cartoon, but nothing i couldn’t live with. fred and barney played cards under a hanging table lamp…probably lit by fireflies. the boss wears seeing glasses…probably made out of wood with spittle-bug juice lenses. see, those are believable. but i just couldn’t get past the blue tie.

and then it hit me – the flintstones aren’t living prehistorically at all! it’s a similar case as the village (ps – if you haven’t seen the village and want to at some point (i wouldn’t encourage it), please stop reading. i do not want to be blamed for ruining the classically predictable twist) fred probably started out as any strapping young lad in middle suburbia…loved his emo and tetherball and then one day out of nowhere, the elders in his city decided that they needed to revamp and make everybody believe that they were cavemen and eventually, the younglins wouldn’t even remember that they actually lived in the 21st century. this is just a theory. but it at least put my mind to rest. which is good because i normally don’t sleep too great on airplanes.

welcome back '80s!!

when was the last time you saw somebody wearing these stylish sunglasses that matched so perfectly with a pair of hammer pants? for me, it was a couple of days ago - a women probably in her late 40s/early 50s wearing a nice skirt suit, nylons...and a pair of plastic neon glasses. i love life!

now, all i'm waiting to hear is the comeback of the words "cowabunga" and "doi."

hotlanta

p.s. i'm not sure why these people are doing flips in the atlanta airport...

i’m going to atlanta this weekend for work. i’ve never been to atlanta except for the airport twice…i almost missed my flight both times…have you ever had your name announced over the loud speaker of an airport? yeah, mine was announced both times in atlanta. i’m like a local celebrity there now – i can only imagine the red carpet they’ll roll out for me as i get off my plane with whispers from the crowd “hey, it’s chelsea walker. i wonder if she’ll actually make her flight this time .”

i’m pretty excited to visit atlanta though. i’ve only heard good things about it. granted, the only things i’ve heard about it are from a friend who moved there during high school and immediately kissed the girl in the shawn mullins music video. i guess that would give anyone good things to say about a place.

one of my only memories involving atlanta is when a coworker was going there for business and everybody kept saying “have fun in hotlanta...” or “off to hotlanta, huh?” i didn’t get it – don’t they know it’s pronounced atlanta? i didn’t correct them though – after all, i was only an assistant. but now, every time somebody says atlanta i think, “don’t you mean hotlanta?” …and research shows that they probably do. turns out hotlanta is actually real and it looks way more fun than atlanta. i bet that’s where the shawn mullins video girl lives.

If you dare wear short shorts...don't

so remember that jingle? suggesting that if a girl (or guy for all i know) wants to wear short shorts, then she/he must use nair to make her/his little legs presentable enough. i have a lot of questions about this if-then statement.

first, what constitutes "short shorts"? let's say i decide to wear a lovely pair of clamdiggers. that shows a good 3-4" inches of leg (depending on the brand), which i personally think constitutes doing something to make my legs less hairy. so, if i wear said clamdiggers, should i not use nair? am i'm not technically wearing short shorts? to settle this confusion and avoid having to look at anybody's hair ankles, let's assume anything less than a 32" inseam is defined as short shorts.

second, i'm a little offended that the makers of nair are so adamant that my legs aren't good enough to pull off short shorts without their product. (by the way, they're not...my family genes unfortunately did not dip into the 'hot legs' pool.) that's beside the point though - i'm still offended and don't see how this approach is a good way to have positive customer relations.

third, this crap doesn't even work. i've never in my entire life waxed my legs or anything, but in the past couple months (and with the help of my sister laughing in my face because of it), i've come to realize that i actually have a) very hairy legs for a girl (sorry for all the boys who have to read this) and b) hair that grows back insanely quick. for example, if i shave at 7:30am on any given monday, by 7:00pm that same monday, i will have a 5 0'clock shadow on my legs...that's apparently not normal. so, i decided that instead of getting drunk on st. patty's day like a normal person might do, i would go to target, buy some nair leg wax and wax my legs.

this proved simple enough - spread real, genuine wax all over your legs, as though you're being sized for a spot at madam tussaud's museum, stick strips of paper on top of the wax so it feels like it's permanently adhered onto your leg, then rip those puppies off as fast and as hard as you can, making sure to take at least the first three layers of skin with them. i got the steps down pretty quickly. i didn't even need to gag myself with a towel or anything to keep from screaming as i ripped my leg off. so, i successful pealed at least five layers of skin off, but the funny thing is, my hair didn't budge...just held on for dear life and laughed in my face. i repeated the process over and over again - using up all my little strips...nothing...i still had to shave this morning...and probably will have to shave tomorrow morning too.

thanks a lot nair. how am i ever expected to wear my clamdiggers now?

i share my birthday with a frozen dead guy

probably the best part about living in colorado is the random events the crazy locals come up with. i picture it happening like this:

local guy 1: hey, let’s go mountain biking
local guy 2: eh – that’s so cliché. let’s do something crazy
local guy 1: what, like turn our bikes into flying machines and try flying them across a reservoir?
local guy 2: eh – still a little cliché, but it’ll do

and this is how events like the kinetics race come to pass

my recent favorite is the frozen dead guy days festival. here’s the gist – some guy died in 1989 and, before he was really dead, they froze him (remember the movie forever young?) and stuck him in a shed to keep him frozen until they realize that most things aren’t better with freezer burn and try to revive him…a shed...seriously… but not just any shed – no, no – the frozen dead guy is hanging out in a shed in nederland, colorado! aside from this being some sort of potential scientific breakthrough (i’m a little doubtful), this gave colorado an excuse to host a festival with coffin races and other semi-sadistic highlights, probably including maggot-shaped lollipops for the children.

i’m pretty (really) selfish when it comes to sharing my birthday. i had a roommate with my same birthday and i almost had to move out just with the thought of people wishing her a happy birthday when the focus should be completely on me. i have to admit though, sharing my 25th birthday with this little frozen man’s festival still brings a proud tear to my eye. i feel connected to him…and not just because my feet are always cold.