Sense & Sensibility

I watched the infamous Jane Austen classic today & loved it. Like so many films set in that era, it's about how a family with 2 girls of marriageable age go through heartache & disappointment along their way of finding happiness with 2 young suitors. I found myself identifying with both women - Elinor the eldest who uses her mind, & Marianne who uses her heart.

Elinor was left battling her emotions when she thought the man she loved was engaged to another. She was crying on the inside when she feared her sister might die from an illness. When the man she loved proposed, she couldn't help but finally break down into tears of joy & relief (& so did I).

I'm the eldest of 3 children & I've always felt the responsibility in the midst of hardship to put up a brave front for my younger siblings & even with my parents. My parents know that on the rare occasion when I cry in front of them, I'm truly upset & vulnerable. My dad is visiting from Singapore at the moment & though I'm not in the mood for bonding, I'm finding myself pretending I'm alright while I'm crushed inside & any moment of him asking will bring me to tears. I've always believed that only those who are close to me are able to see through me or know I'm crying even when I try to hide it over the phone.

But people always tell me I'm an emotional person, like Marianne. She longed for someone to sweep her off her feet & loved someone who ended up leading her on into believing it was reciprocal. She wore her heart out on her sleeve & I felt her pain when she was left so heartbroken that she ended up making herself ill. In the end, she wound up with someone who fought for her & won her affections.

As I watched, I wished that someone would fight for me. Who would see me as worthy enough to be fought for. No guy I liked really has had to fight for my affections. Maybe that's why my friend, Ivy, firmly believes "easy come, easy go". Apparently, I'm too "easy" for the guy I like to win me over. Not that I condone playing silly games, just that the things you fight the hardest for are those you're likely to treasure most. It's been ages since I've been on a date where someone put in the effort to plan the evening, just because. Everything worth keeping is worth fighting for & ultimately, women need a man who can assure her that he won't leave her in the lurch when things go pear-shaped.

One quote from the movie:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! It is an ever fixed mark
That looks on tempests & is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips & cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with its brief hours & weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error & upon me proved,
I never writ, nor man ever loved.

William Shakespeare (1564-1616)
Sonnet 116

The 2 sisters are so different, as Marianne puts it to Elisor, "Neither of us have anything to tell. I because I conceal nothing, and you because you communicate nothing." Yet we can all identify with their emotions & actions. Sometimes, we just need to be ourselves & trust that God knows what's best for us & that He made us each to be in His image, no matter how that might look like. In times like these, I cry for acceptance & I battle with the notion that I'm not good enough. Even if no one thinks I'm worth fighting for, I'll know that I'm loved enough for God to die for.

Land of Make-Believe

Edward Scissorhands is showing at the Opera House & tickets are on sale now. I'd really love to go, only I'm not sure who to go with & whether I can afford them. It would really make my day at the moment if I go out on a whim & buy them.

Some people love concerts, but I'm a musical & play kind of girl. When I watch everything appearing on stage, suddenly the characters come alive & I get engrossed in what's happening in front of my eyes. I love the cool effects & costumes, the dancing, the singing & the music.

And for a while, just for a moment, I can just escape.

And then reality sinks in.

Numbness

Numb, cold & emotionless. Just... nothing. Into the blackness of nothingness.

Comfort doesn't matter to me. I need to look out for my own self now.

God is with me.

Round in Circles

I may be stuck in this cycle for a while. I wish someone would bail me out of there. Or perhaps I got myself stuck in the first place & I need to figure out how to get out.

I feel like a mouse in a cage that won't stop running on the wheel for fear of falling off or because I might not even know how to stop. Though I try to run fast, I'm still stuck at the very same spot.

I really should pray more & trust God more than I do. I know God has a good plan for me.

I hate arguments...

They just bring out the ugly side in us all. You're selfish when you fight & you feel like "Why don't you see my point of view? Do you even understand me...".

But I wonder if there are some things worth fighting for. Like your values. Like justice. However, the fact is we as humans have a skewed sense of those 2 things.

At times I'm good at letting things go - just let it go & take the brunt of it. But it wears me out after a while & I feel I can't take up any more than what I'm already bearing. Sometimes you do need to protect yourself & that might mean letting others take some of their responsibility for a change. I'm not sure how Christian this is though. When you think about Paul the apostle or Jesus, they endured so much for others. I wish I could do that more.

My boss once commented that assertiveness comes naturally to me when required. I think that's true. But if you truly knew me... if you understood what lies beneath the seemingly hard exterior, there's more to it than that. Only if you'd bother finding out.

Pearl diving can take a long time & you might not always find a pearl in every oyster. But when you do, it's precious & well worth keeping. Interestingly enough, the formation of a pearl can only be triggered by some sort of impurity, like sand and parasites. Maybe one day someone can find that in me together with all my flaws.