Define Me?

It's a Christmas tradition for me to write a Christmas post each year. I thought I'd stick to this one, but decided to break another. I skipped visiting the Christmas tree again this year for a number of reasons, one of which I'd like to share.

For some reasons I've yet to understand, God has chosen to teach me some very hard lessons this year. It's surely been the toughest year I've had yet. I've recently been spending more time in prayer & lying in bed one night, I found myself asking the question "What defines me?". The answer to that would be my past.

If I'm honest with myself, from a few little things in everyday life to more prominent 'in-your-face' events, more than a handful would trigger thoughts from the past, memories which seem to haunt, & feelings of hurt & betrayal. It's easy to revert back to those days. The sights & smells of Christmas in Sydney for me means going to the midnight service at the Cathedral, lights at Lurgarno, fountain & trees at Martin Place, getting sunburnt, a Christmas BBQ & playing mahjong & board games. And when I don't want to be reminded of those things, I just run away. I haven't forgotten the true meaning of Christmas or what's really important to me, but it's easy to become a prisoner of my own past.

This Christmas, I've prayerfully resolved not to have my past nor anyone else but God define me. The person I am in Jesus. The person God has uniquely created to be. I don't live to please anyone else but God, & that should be reflected in my thoughts too. As the cliche goes, what's past is gone & cannot be retrieved. You can only change the future. And I will never let go of my faith.

Perhaps it's time to create new traditions...

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight, O LORD,
my rock and my redeemer. - Psalm 19:14

Merry Christmas, everyone. May we be reminded of our identity in Jesus, God's only Son who died for us. And may we keep our actions & thoughts pleasing to Him.

Repost

01 May, 2008

Skepticism

In an episode of How I met Your Mother, it starts off when Ted's friends comment about how talkative his new girlfriend is. Then it snowballs when they turn their backs on one another & start voicing their pet peeves. *glass shatters*

It's funny how when you're infatuated at the start of a new relationship, almost nothing about the other person can annoy you. It's limerence where you're all excited about being in love. It's at this stage where you hear sweet nothings from the other person & you're on Cloud Nine because they tell you "I like you for who you are." I almost wish that's left unsaid.

The test is when you get past that. You start to notice those habits which never annoyed you before & they eventually become pet peeves. It may be the tiniest thing like the way they walk, or more important things which you don't see eye-to-eye with. But as said in the episode, "if you love them enough, you learn to live with them."

Maybe I'm naturally too optimistic. Often when I weigh up the negatives against the positives, they're not big enough for me to make a big deal out of & I let them go. Surely there are more things I value & hold on to more than even the bad stuff which may seem important at the time?

I think I've become skeptical & more wary of what I hear at the start of a relationship. I know that sooner or later, something's going to come up which bores them, annoys them & frustrates them. I'm starting to think that when it comes to relationships, it's almost impossible to love someone the way God has made them. I don't believe it when I hear it anymore & I'd rather not if it's going to be betrayed. We all have our pet peeves or values we hold on to, but it takes patience & grace to be able to look past that. It seems like those two things just don't exist anymore or just get looked over when you extend it.

I realise more & more that there's nothing else like the love of God. You may get over the initial limerence of being a new Christian, but I don't think God does. I believe He always finds joy when we are in relationship with Him & He shows us His grace & patience each & every day.

Lost for Words

I find when I'm unable to find the words to express my thoughts or the way I feel, nothing works more than a song.

I posted this earlier when I first started this blog. More than 2 years down the track, I find myself in a similar situation now so I decided to dig up some old posts (my archive is back up for a little while too). Reading them brings back a flood of memories filled with hurt & pain. But also remembering how I held on, or rather how God held on to me, restores hope & faith in the One who promises to never leave us nor forsake us. It's amazing how I got through those dark days.

I've learnt about wisdom & advice - how to both give & receive them. I've learnt how to be more accepting, patient & gracious to others. I've learnt the meaning of true friendship. I've learnt the value of forgiveness & love that can only come through knowing God. I've learnt that there is nothing more important than obeying God & trusting Him. I've learnt more deeply what it means for Jesus' blood to wash me clean when I fail. I don't do any of these perfectly & I've still got a long way to go. Someone I respect a lot once said, "It's not about perfection, but about progress". What an encouragement & reassurance.

I'll be preparing to give a personal testimony to God's work on my life in 2008. I can't articulate it all now, but this song is a good place to start. I'm determined to persevere this second time & to do it better.

It's Not About Me

Chorus
It’s all about You, Jesus
And all this is for You
For Your glory and Your fame
It’s not about me
As if You should do things my way
You alone are God and I surrender
To Your ways

Verse
Jesus, lover of my soul
All consuming fire is in Your gaze
Jesus, I want You to know
I will follow You all my days
For no one else in history is like You
And history itself belongs to You
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me
And I will spend eternity with You

Copyright © 1995 Thankyou Music/PRS

When things don't go according to how I expect it, I need to remember it's not about my plans, but about God's. Please keep reminding me of God's love & His sovereignty. I can't pretend I'm not hurting like crazy, but I'm also rebuked & reminded of this truth. Please pray that I'll be patient & wait on God & trust Him.

Try here.

Twisted

Life can be so frustrating. Almost as if someone has a cruel & twisted sense of humour & put me in a circular maze where there is no end.

Then comes the tendency to question God. I feel guilty when I do because aren't I supposed to trust Him? Then why do I feel like He's not listening sometimes?

Jesus sympathizes with our every weakness & God gives wisdom to those to ask in faith. Maybe it's hard to explain the intensity of it all to others, but I know God knows.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can & wisdom to know the difference.

What the World Needs Now...

Love Sweet Love.

A sermon at a wedding got me singing a different tune to my last post & reminded me of the vastness of God's love for us. That's our starting point for human love. God is love - we love because He first loved us. It is impossible to understand & display true love if we don't know God. For it's marked by Christian faithfulness, graciousness & forgiveness, especially in times when we are least likely to love.

I've got more than a couple of weddings to attend in the next few months. My prayer for all those couples is that they would be faithful just as God is faithful & to show sacrificial love the way that God has shown that to us in Christ.

As the vows were made, I observed how complementary the two different vows were for the man & woman.

• Comfort vs. nurture
• Leadership, provision & protection vs. trust, obedience & encouragement
• Love & cherish vs. respect & submission
• Consideration vs. support in decision-making

I've got a lot to work on.

NB. Someone finally used the song "I Will Be Here" in their wedding... & sang it too!

Running on Empty

Being the romantic that I am, I'd like to say that I believe in the words crooned by The Beatles - that love is all you need. Sadly, this is contrary to the experience I've had in this broken world. You hurt the ones you love & those whom you love fail to reciprocate your affections.

Yes, love is not a state of emotion but it's a heart & mind-driven state of determination to seek the good of the other. And I've realised that you can give all you think you have, & yet that's not enough. It leaves you confused & doubtful - maybe it's naiviety. I believed that unconditional love, patience & genuineness can soften hearts. But God has chosen to make us all different in our temperaments - sometimes all of that can't break through that barrier. Perhaps it was never really selfless in the first place, since eventually I hoped for something in return.

Letting go of a love you've held for 4 years is difficult. What do you do when you feel you've got nothing more to give than what's already been given?

I pray that God would still fill me with His love each day, that I would remember the true love that is found in Jesus. For in this relationship, it is I who has rejected The One who loves. There's more than romantic love & that is the love you can extend to brothers & sisters in Christ. I pray that God will still fill that part of me when I feel that I'm running on empty.

One Moment More

A very sad song I really Iike on Smallville season 3 - when Lana leaves for the airport, sent off by Lex. Clark arrives late with a rose, but catches her with Lex. Downcast, he drops the rose & leaves. Lana turns around thinking she caught a glimpse of him. But when a bus goes past, he's gone & all she picks up is the single rose.

The Root of Bitterness

This post is a response to Mark Driscoll's talk, 'My Dove', from 'The Peasant Princess' series. He gives his thoughts on repentance & forgiveness & to be honest, I'm still trying to work it all out in my mind. I'm curious as to whether anyone else can enlighten me.

Signs of bitterness:
Driscoll speaks about the path of forgiveness as the opposite to that of bitterness. Signs of bitterness are when you continually replay a past hurt and/or try to avoid the person who has hurt you.

Hearing this has caused me to search my own heart. While this may be true to a degree, there is wisdom involved in choosing to remain distant, especially if advised by older Christians. I don't think I have trouble with forgiveness & in fact often feel that others take advantage of that. I believe in giving second chances or benefit of the doubt. For me personally, avoidance does not necessarily equate to unforgiveness & bitterness, but to prudence & cautiousness. I know deep down that whatever the struggles that come with the offence, my response is not usually one against the offender, but in the context of how I cope with the hurt. 'Bitterness does not emanate from the magnitude of the offence, but the proximity of the offender.'

Responses of forgiveness:
Forgiveness & grace is not contingent on the repentance of the other party, but on Jesus' character. More than anything, I want to love as Jesus loves & forgive as Jesus forgives. Jesus teaches us to pray 'forgive us of our sin as we forgive those who sin against us' because He knows that this does not come naturally to us. Forgiveness is loving in spite of sin. There's no limit to God's forgiveness, but I struggle because I'm afraid of being trampled on.

Questions & thoughts out loud:
If forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation, how do you know when you've forgiven if there's no restoration of relationship?
If forgiveness doesn't mean excusing, justifying or forgetting the action, is the haunting of memories a sign of bitterness? It seems contradictory, or is it a matter of whether it's done consciously?

The crunch:
We often focus on the sins others commit against us, but fail to ask ourselves where we've sinned against others. I think the the first step is always to ask that hard question, then to ask God for forgiveness. Asking for God's help to deal with hurt will over time lead to a heart of forgiveness towards others.

As you can probably tell, I'm still trying to understand this all myself. I hope that I can say I've truly forgiven...

That Time of Year Again

The sad thing about church is the farewells every year. This year Unichurch had a double whammy with both Grimmo & Tara leaving. Both of them are like my parents in Christ & very dear to me. I truly will never forget how much they've poured out into our church & in caring for me personally.

I really dislike farewells - I got teary saying goodbye to Grimmo & even our male leaders were emotional saying farewell to Tara. But Christian farewells are mostly bittersweet. I know that I'm being a little selfish in wanting people to stay, yet I'm sure all of them would be used greatly by God to further His Kingdom.

I'll miss you all...

Sculptures by the Sea 2007 & 2008

Some photos from the 2 years...

We walked in the other direction this time & almost made it all the way to Coogee too!

The fat boys made a reappearance this year :).

Community

One of the things I've discovered about myself is that I value a sense of community. Man was made to be in relationship with one another, not isolated from his social context. I had one of the busiest weeks last week, but it was wonderful just because I got to spend it with close friends over good food & Christian fellowship.

The Night Noodle Markets at Hyde Park is not all that in terms of food in my opinion, but it's the atmosphere of hustling people which makes the event worth going to. Noodle-making competitions on stage, live music & a lion dance all added to the ambience. I was also lucky enough to go to 2 Sugar Hits this year, The Westin being my second. A not-so-heavy, creative dessert topped off a relaxing evening.

(Excuse the bad quality of the camera phone.)

The best thing about community is of course being in a big family of brothers & sisters in Christ. It extends beyond social context & common interest to the very heart of a common belief in the Truth. This single thread which binds us together is something non-Christians simply cannot grasp. RICE Regenerate & Passion World Tour are definitely 2 highlights of the year for me. I was blown away by the number of Christians who came together, not necessarily knowing each other, for the one purpose of lifting up their lives for Jesus.

The topic of RICE Regenerate, 'Taste & See the the Lord is Good', is challenging especially in times when you find it the hardest to believe. Sometimes what you know deep in your heart does not coincide with how you feel at that point. But God convicts us & reminds us of His everlasting faithfulness . What God spoke to me through that message is not something I would easily forget in the years to come. Responding to that by sharing with others & by singing in a room full of grateful hearts was thoroughly beautiful & refreshing.

The Passion group visited 17 cities round the world with Sydney being their last stop. Each city was asked to pray for the next one & if they felt inclined to, to also give a small donation towards the next stopover as well (the Passion tour was free!). As Sydney was moved to complete this circle, I was astounded at the way that God works in His people to compel us to love our brothers & sisters on the other side of the globe. I was reminded starkly of God's amazing grace as a moving testimony was shared. As everyone lifted up their voices in songs of praise, it was just a tiny glimpse of what heaven would be like, where we would indeed worship in one voice at the throne of God, just like the song describes. Check out the Passion blog - the photos say it all!

I wonder though about the lack of follow up after the Passion event. I hope that people weren't swept away only by the hype & emotion, but that God will provide someone to talk to them about the things they heard. Still, it was nonetheless a good reminder that we belong to a large body of believers.

I can't wait till that reality in heaven. Come, Lord Jesus, come!

Chord

Though I've listened to this song countless times before, it never struck me more than it did tonight. Here's the song for now, but more to come on RICE Regenerate...

There is a higher throne
Than all this world has known,
Where faithful ones from every tongue
Will one day come.

Before the Son we'll stand,
Made faultless through the Lamb;
Believing hearts find promised grace—
Salvation comes.

CHORUS
Hear heaven's voices sing;
Their thund'rous anthem rings
Through em'rald courts and sapphire skies.
Their praises rise.
All glory, wisdom, pow'r,
Strength, thanks, and honor are
To God our King, who reigns on high
Forevermore.

And there we'll find our home,
Our life before the throne;
We'll honor Him in perfect song
Where we belong.

He'll wipe each tear-stained eye
As thirst and hunger die.
The Lamb becomes our Shepherd King;
We'll reign with Him.

There is a Higher Throne
Words and Music by Keith & Kristyn Getty
Copyright © 2003 Thankyou Music

Head in the Clouds

My family decided to take a trip to the Blue Mountains over the long weekend. It was just what I'd been needing... to get away for a while & clear my head. So I organised a last-minute stay in the lovely town of Leura.

I hadn't been to the Blue Mountains properly since I grew up here & Leura greeted me with gorgeous sunny weather. I could smell the freshness of the mountain air & was delighted by the cherry blossoms which were already in bloom, ready for Spring. Their pink buds added colour to the main street where the quaint boutiques & specialty shops left me hanging in anticipation. I was out & about in no time exploring the streets & little alley ways. Cosy cafes served Devonshire tea, a chocolate cafe with amazing chocolate mousse & a candy store with shelves which stretched to the ceiling. I especially loved visiting the shops selling country-style furniture & was tempted to buy all sorts of things to decorate my own home with.

The best thing about Leura has got to be the cottages which were all so pretty on the outside with beautiful gardens, lovely country finishings & pastel colours. The cottage we stayed at was just the kind of house I always love going away to - English country decorations, wooden floorboards, warm fireplaces (one in the living room & one on the bathroom!) & central heating (even the tiles in the bathroom were heated!) & a relaxing spa. I felt like I had been away for more than 3 days & I didn't feel like leaving by the end of it. The only disappointment was that the good weather didn't last the whole weekend & it was too rainy & misty to see past 50 metres at Echo Point when we tried to visit the 3 Sisters. But even that wasn't enough to dampen my spirit.

While passing by a gorgeous pink cottage which was on sale, it made me ponder about what I'd like to do when I retire or when I stop working after my children move away (I haven't even worked for 2 years & I'm already thinking about retirement!). I'd get a lovely little cottage where I can have all the country furnishings, & make a business doing bed & breakfast where I can make visitors feel welcomed. I'd be away from the busyness of the city & surrounded by gorgeous nature & cosy cafes where I can read a good book & have my fix of tea & scones. I'd come back to a warm fireplace in winter & to a home with my family & a dog.

These are just my dreams for the moment. Old-fashioned & simple. Right now I only have a lamp I bought from Leura to remind myself to dare to dream, even if they're just small.

Crisis

Ever felt like you're not yourself?

I've been doing a lot of self-assessment recently & it's been harder than I thought. God has been working deeply in me & bringing me to my knees. Some realisations have hit me quite hard & it's been a very emotional journey of self-discovery so far of which I'm not quite sure where God is taking me. 

Many things have taken its toll on my emotional, mental & physical state & I've been quite unwell over the past few months (I won't go into much detail here). These have all crept up on me gradually & I've since had to reevaluate how I expend my energy & time & what my limits are. This has meant that I've had re-think my thoughts on my own plans for the future, something which I find quite difficult to do. Trying to surrender my life to God has made me realise that I'm weak & sinful & that only God's strength can get me through anything. 

I can honestly say that this is the most trying time in my life so far & it's only too easy to slip away without anyone noticing. But it's also the very last thing I want to do & in God's kindness He still has me close to Him even when I feel like He's far away. I'm immensely thankful for just how reassuring & comforting that is.

Verbal Blank

There have been a few new developments recently. But just gathering my thoughts & how to put that all into words.

Can you tell I've been having trouble doing that lately?

Put a New Song in my Heart

Put a new song in my heart
Let me hear the praises start
Dispell the night
And give me light again

Put a new thought in my mind
Help me leave the past behind
And break these chains
That I might live again

Lift my fallen face
And help me to stand
Flood me with the grace
That comes from your hand
Cleanse me from my sin
Lord, forgive me again
That I might be yours alone

Put a new fire in my soul
Make this wounded spirit whole
And help me see
That I am free again

Let these broken bones
Rise up and rejoice
Bring this captive home
And lift up my voice
Help my spirit sing
Now to Jesus my king
For he has forgiven me

Lift my fallen face
And help me to stand
Flood me with the grace
That comes from your hand
Cleanse me from my sin
Lord, forgive me again
That I might be yours alone

© 1999 Rob Smith

From "No Other Name" CD

Music for the Soul

Throughout the Engage Conference weekend, I was blown away by the way every single talk was so relevant to my life at the moment. God surely knows my heart & it was as if it was just me & the speakers in the cold storage shed-like auditorium. The words spoken touched my soul & heart immensely - it had been ages since a bible talk made me cry. God knew exactly what I needed to hear (even the bible verse I quoted in my last post was read out as well!) & I was rebuked & challenged.

I love the way God also uses other instruments to speak His Word to us. This particular song always tugs at my heartstrings & tear ducts. I need to keep reminding myself of these truths every day.

I'm forgiven because You were forsaken
I'm accepted, you were condemned
I'm alive & well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died & rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You my King would die for me?
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honour You
In all I do, I honour You

You are my King
You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
Jesus, You are my King

He Lifted Me Up

He lifted me up, set my feet on a rock

Gave me a new song of praise to my God.

Definitely, Maybe

Something got me thinking the other day... how do you know if someone's 'The One'?

I've seen many Christian couples who have ended up married to the first person they date. And I think "How lucky it is to have it right on the first go!" None of the extra baggage from previous broken relationships... never experiencing their hearts being broken or the nights spent crying before they go to sleep...

After all that, I just want to be sure the next time round (if there is one). Because being in The Game becomes somewhat like a suspense thriller or a whodunit. You subconsciously second guess their every move & watch your back - you don't know what might take you by surprise. Somehow the ones who hide in the corner end up being caught out & those who put their bodies on the line end up victorious after coming away with cuts & bruises (Think Scream or I Know What You Did Last Summer... you get the drift). 'Definitely' can quickly turn to just a 'maybe' & then to 'not a chance' when things start going sour.

Ultimately, we can't be sure of anything, even as much as we pray about it. Sometimes we hope that God would just make it clearer & that we won't have to go through the same thing again. Sometimes we don't understand why God puts us through that even though we've pleaded Him not to. Though frustrating at times, I take comfort in the fact that He directs our every path & that if we hold tightly, we can be sure that that path will lead to glory.

A Walk to Remember

When I worked near Oxford Street a few years ago, I'd try to catch an early bus into the city just so I could have some 'me-time' in Hyde Park. This was mostly during my university holidays when a lot of my friends weren't around to keep me company (I lived in a residential college & people tend to go home during Summer). I'd grab a book or my bible & sit down in the shade under a tree or on a bench, the warmth of the sun just caressing my cheeks & turning them rosy. Sometimes I'd buy a cup of coffee or a muffin. On occasion, I would be bold enough to just lie on the grass with my eyes closed, just to get a good dose of sunshine. Whatever it was, those moments helped me to gather my thoughts, relax & reflect on God's goodness.

I grabbed the opportunity to take a walk down memory lane today. This time I wasn't alone, but accompanied by a friend. Waking up half an hour earlier was a bit of an effort, but worth every ounce of it. We quickly bought our cuppas (Chai for me, naturally) & our croissants from the Swiss bakery which I've been dying to visit for months, then took a stroll down Oxford Street to Hyde Park. With my hands round the takeaway cup to keep me warm, the gentle breeze & the subtleness of the sun's rays, it was the perfect way to start my day.

I might not really be a 'long walks on the beach' kind of a girl, but I'm definitely a 'stroll in the park' type of girl. I'm more than motivated to start doing it again on a more regular basis.

Thanks for reminding me that our God is good. :)))

What's in a Name?

I just realised that my blog should technically be named 'Blossoming Bud'.
But it somehow lacks the same ring to it.

Am I Invisible?

If you've ever read the book 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman, my main love language is 'acts of service'. I actually enjoy doing things for others & putting in effort in my relationships that way. But sometimes it can feel like I'm invisible & my efforts are not appreciated. Like when I get brushed off or the many times I've tried to make contact they just always seem to be busy & not even try to get in touch with me for a change. On purpose or not, I'm at the point where I don't feel like doing any more if it's not reciprocated.

I've been a little frustrated of late with relationships in general. It feels like I'm making all the effort & it wears me out after a while. I know that we should do things for others not expecting anything in return, & I'm fine with that & can usually go for quite a while before I start to feel this way. But a little gesture would be nice, & not just when they want something out of me. Sometimes I feel almost like I'm walking in an invisibility cloak or field. It's been said that you tend to treat the people you're closest to the worst because you're comfortable enough to show your uglier side & you take them for granted because you think you can get away with it. I know I'm guilty of that at times too.

I have to bear in mind though that we're also told in the book to learn the love languages of others before expecting others to learn yours. More importantly, the bible actually teaches us to give until it hurts - just like Jesus. Maybe that's my problem. Or maybe it's my ISFJ personality shining through. (Here's the test - don't take it too seriously.) But then it usually takes two to tango.

Lesson Learnt

After a while
you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

After A While
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

This post was made in 2006. Sometimes it might take just a little bit longer to learn.

Right Here Waiting

Man: I'm sorry. I was too rash & didn't consider that you might not be ready yet. I just wanted to operate on you.
Woman: Operate on me...?
Man: Yes. You had deep wounds & it hurt me to see you like that. I wanted to remove the parts that have scarred you & the parts I don't really like to see. But I ended up forcing you to do something you didn't feel comfortable with.
Woman: But I don't need you to operate on me. I just need you still by my side when I come out of it.
And I promise I will.

It sounds more romantic in Mandarin.

Laugh, Love, Live

Over my eventful weekend, I accompanied a friend involved in World Youth Day to meet some Asians who came over from Denmark. Being jet lagged, they wanted to hit the town at 11pm with some pool at a club (in which I totally kicked their butts in! ;P), dancing & late night supper at Chinatown. It felt strange heading out so late at night, especially to a club. I had forgotten the way strangers behaved - how guys tried their pick-up lines on you & how girls let them grope all over them. Ah, this is why I dislike the scene. We just bought a few drinks & played some pool in the corner as I people-watched the dance floor.

Though my friend & I see each other very often, being with her over the weekend & seeing her interact with others somehow made me realise more acutely that I seemed to have lost something over the last 10 years. She reminded me of myself... the 'old' Jess. There are a handful of people I know who remind me of me. Friends back home notice the difference in my character & disposition more than anyone in Sydney. As much as age brings maturity, I miss the side of me that was less afraid to live life. Friends back then would describe me as bubbly, quick-witted, sharp, conversational & a person who didn't mind so much being in a crowd. Now I'm self-conscious, lack confidence & shy away from large groups. Even my laughter seems to be tainted as I don't laugh with as much freedom or spontaneity & I appear to just smile & nod, both of which are often not as genuine. I frown more & show less emotion in general than what I feel inside.

There are a few things I suspect which have caused this side of me to surface. Part of it is just growing older & realising more that your actions lead to certain consequences. I've also encountered people & circumstances which have disheartened me & have suppressed my confidence. When you're being yourself in a normal situation, one of the worst things someone can do is to unnecessarily judge & analyse you. Comments like "You smile or laugh too much" and "You're too friendly" do very little for your self-esteem. As you experience life, the realisation that the world & the relationships in it aren't perfect weigh you down & can form wounds which take years to heal or scars which stay forever. You're less likely to show the real you because you feel vulnerable, so you take a step back. You're tied up with responsibilities, restrained & choked with worries & cares of this world. You don't tend to laugh as much at silly jokes or have that twinkle in your eye when you have a burst of spontaneity & playfulness.

I miss some parts of me because they're hidden or suppressed. It's sad when you know that you don't actually show your full potential & perhaps people don't truly know you. It's as if they're interacting with my shadow instead me - there are no facial expressions & no sounds & I'm just a boring black blob in the background. It is on rare occasions & to few people where my shadow decides to give way to the real me. People who make me laugh genuinely, whom I can just relax & be myself with, whom I feel safe with & bring out the parts of me that have gone missing. I want to laugh freely, love deeply & live without feeling like I'm carrying a tonne of bricks.

You can only pray that when you meet someone & do decide to come out of your shell, you won't get salt rubbed into your less than perfectly healed wounds.

Red Hot

I've been longing for a coffee machine for a few years. I'm not a huge coffee drinker, but I can appreciate great coffee & I'm fussy with what I drink -- none of this plunger stuff! I must say I'm not a bad barista (you should try my froth!), but it's mostly for entertaining others than for myself to enjoy.

When I first checked her out 2 years ago, I fell in love with her gorgeous chilli-red colour but could never quite justify spending the money. The Myer store in the city had her on sale for $159 recently, which I thought was a bit pricey still. But while shopping with my colleague tonight, I found out the outlet nearby was selling her cheaper. She was 10% off! After taking her to the cashier, I glanced at my receipt to see what the original price was (the prices weren't displayed). When I couldn't find it, I questioned the cashier about whether the discount had been made. So she took a further 10% off the price scanned & I got her for a mere $110! (We had a feeling that the original price she was scanned at was already incorrect since she was so much cheaper than in the city, but to get an extra 10% off that was just a bargain!)

Check out my new baby!


Isn't she hot? Can't wait to try her out with my bible study group.

Of course, now she just needs a name...

Out & About

I don't usually like to blog about what I've done during the day, but today was one of the best days I've had in a while.

A gorgeous, sunny winter's day. Some friends & I went to The Aroma Festival at The Rocks. There were stalls selling some of the finest coffees & teas, mouth-watering chocolates, fudge, rocky road, etc. in the Chocolate Boulevard, pavlovas, cupcakes & food from different countries.. samples for free or about $1 each! There were live bands playing chilled out music & people doing dance performances... I loved the atmosphere!

I started off having an Affogato which tasted amazingly smooth & totally yum! We tasted samples of chocolate & Chai latte, many of which had creative & unique flavours. I walked past this stall which had the most gorgeous & pretty cupcakes I had ever seen. They looked too good to be eaten!

Next to a stall selling Turkish food there was a stage set up where a Turkish woman was performing a bellydance. It was just amazing the way she moved... her stomach! I didn't know you could use do that with your muscles! She pulled some men & women individually on the stage to dance with her. The look on some of the guys' faces were priceless as they just had no idea what to do since she was dancing rings around them (literally!). And the cute little girl who just tried to imitate her... haha.

We left the huge crowds of people to head towards the city in search of sushi (some of my friends had huge cravings for it). It was a perfect Sunday afternoon for me - I love getting out & about & exploring... soaking up the sun, enjoying good food & good company & having a buzz of excitement around me. I enjoy going to markets because of the unique things they sell, especially the art & craftwork. I went to the Paddington market on my own on Saturday as well.

I might head back to The Rocks market next weekend. You can join me if you want. ;)

iStalk

As much as I like technology (most of the time), it opens many doors for you to get a peek into the lives of others, even those you don't know.

Don't you find it strange to be looking at pictures, reading blogs or Facebook updates of people you hardly know or have never met in your life? Yet, I'm sure a lot of us are guilty of that. We comment on the dresses girls wear, the way someone smiles or what a flirt he is. It brings stalking to a new dimension. Of course, some people feel more of a need to inform the entire Facebook community what they're doing 5 times a day. The updates just pop up even when you don't mean to be stalking them.

Personally, I read only blogs of people close to me. I might even check them more than once a day out of habit or when my fingers itch to click to just any site when I'm bored online. I don't care about the lives of people I don't know. It's hard enough trying to keep up with those I actually have a non-virtual relationship with.

So if you're reading this & have no idea who I am, thanks for taking such a keen interest in my life. But for all you know, you might just be istalked too & your identity might not be so secret after all. I'm more technology savvy than you give me credit for.

It was one of those days...

... where you just feel awful!

24/06/2008:

Work was a little stressful, with me having to cover for 2 of my colleagues who were on sick leave. I've hardly had any time to breathe recently. I know my job's less stressful than lots of others, but it was still pretty full on.

I had heard on the radio that petrol prices were increasing again, so I decided to fill Lois (my blue Honda Jazz) up when I got home. Just 10 minutes after reaching home from work exhausted, I backed Lois out of my garage. *BANG!* Oh my goodness! What on earth...?!?! I could've kicked myself for not looking properly... I had hit my neighbour's car which was parked just across from me. Such a stupid mistake to make! Frankly, I'm a little grateful because it could've been a lot worse. I haven't been able to speak to the owners yet, but there wasn't any damage on their car as far as I could see. Lois, however, came away with a big chunk of her paint peeling & her panel slightly loose. Heartache... though I'm trying to tell myself that material things will fade...

I had also wanted to bake scones for my bible study the next day. But the accident must've affected my mood or something (or that's my excuse). They didn't turn out like they usually do. Although people still loved them, I felt like I'd failed. Yup, I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my cooking/baking.

To top it off, I'm slightly hormonal & emotional for no reason.

Sigh... can't wait for my holiday!

That Warm Fuzzy Feeling

I got this rush of excitement inside the moment I set eyes on him. There he was... his big, brown eyes staring playfully at me. I just wanted to give him a cuddle.

I love puppies. They are just the sweetest things ever. Whenever I walk past a pet shop, I always feel like taking a peep at the puppies on sale, wishing I could get one. I can spend ages just looking at them. Today, I actually got to hold & cuddle a moodle (maltese x poodle). There were 3 of them behind the glass & as the lady approached them, they were leaping with anticipation. "Choose me, choose me!" I would if I could... all 3 of them at once! As I held the little fella, he playfully licked my hands & wagged his little tail. He was so soft & beautiful... I wanted to keep him!

I can't describe the feeling I get when I hold a puppy. The closest thing I can think of is that of seeing someone you like. You feel warm, content & peaceful... you feel happy just because of the company. The thing with puppies is that they're so innocent & they just seem to love & welcome you without having a clue of who you are yet.

Ah... gotta love the small things in life which just makes you thankful & filled with joy. I only wish I could have one now. :)

Dreaming

I want to dance to this song if I have a wedding... This is THE waltz song.

Humbled by Grace

These words have never spoken so clearly to me before:

1John 1:6-10 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.
If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I have been inwardly struggling with guilt the past few months. Issues I thought I dealt with kept coming up in many different ways. I knew that God was trying to tell me I needed to do something about it. And when I finally did (after much prayer & with the support of very dear friends), I was so thankful for God's Spirit at work in me.

Satan deceives us & wants us to hide our sins, to conceal it & pretend like nothing happened. Everyone thinks you're fine & dandy. But when you are saved, Light overcomes darkness & our sins are exposed. I felt the weight of it lifted off my shoulders because Jesus carried it to the cross. And God's gift of grace & of brothers & sisters in Christ is overwhelming.

And I couldn't be more humbled that though I've stuffed up, grace abounds. I pray I'll never take that lightly & that I'll love God all the more.

Romans 8:38-39 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

These are a Few of My Favourite Things

• An unnoticed act of kindness that makes someone's day just a little bit better
• When you gently grab my hand when I don't expect it
• Well-performed musical productions, to which I can bop along to
• Playing with puppies
• How a woman's head is made to fit so nicely onto a guy's shoulder
• A warm & cosy fireplace in winter
• The way you make me blush when I catch you looking at me
• A hot water bottle in bed
• Brunch in a cafe near a park on a sunny day
• A kiss on the forehead before a goodbye
• Reading & people-watching under a tree
• The sense of satisfaction when someone likes what I bake/cook

Little Joys

Just a few highlights to my week so far...

1. Guy Shopping
Yup, you heard me. I love guy shopping. I was looking around trying to find a gift for Mothers' Day & realised it's so hard to buy clothes for a female! Nothing caught my eye, except for this really nice guy's sweater.

I love shopping for guys' clothing, especially when I've got someone special to buy them for. I often think that guys' clothing (particularly winter sweaters, jackets & jumpers) look much nicer than those sold for females. I think it's the broad shoulder thing that does it. When I buy clothes for a guy, I imagine him in it, with his strong broad shoulders so I can give him a hug.

Ok, I'll try not to keep it too graphic. For now, my brother would just have to deal with me spoiling him with men's clothing that he will probably grow out of quickly.

2. Wedding Dress Shopping
Went with a friend to find her a dream white dress. I think I'm fussy 'cos nothing seemed to take to my liking. We visited a few cheaper places, then more up-market ones where prices hiked up to $5000! Gorgeous dresses, but none that I'd see myself wearing. Not that I really need to think about that for now. She did show me this white strapless one with nice black embriodery at the top & the end of the trail. It was quite beautiful. I like something plain yet classic & elegant, but with a touch of an oriental look to it to emphasise my Asian culture.

So anyways, it's about her not me. ;P She looked gorgeous when she tried it on, by the way. But nothing was bought yet.

3. One to One

We've had the pleasure of having a girl from Brazil as part of our bible study this year. We were together since last year, but she's in the group I'm currently leading. After she'd expressed concerns about finding it hard to follow during bible study because of the language barrier, we decided for us to meet once a week before the study to go through the passage together.

I can't express how great it was to do that last night & I was really blessed by her desire to understand God's Word. She had been faithfully reading the passages before bible study as well. Hebrews is a difficult book to study sometimes, but I thought she understood more than she gave herself credit for. It brought much joy to see her grapple with it. We shared prayer points & she had much wisdom & encouragement for me in relation to what I'm finding difficult in my current situation with life & church. One thing I learnt is that I can plan all I Iike - to be in a new state, new church & to meet new people. But I can't twist what God has already planned for me, much less hide from it. I need to be trusting that His plans are good & better than those I've got for myself.

We topped off the evening my watching the BBC version of Pride & Prejudice - one dvd every week she comes over. :)

Are You Wasting Your Suffering?

I'm not writing anything for now. But I was inspired by Mark Driscoll's talk on Joy in Suffering & I've been reflecting on it. Not that I've been through as much as a lot of others have.

Stay tuned...

Some thoughts so far:

• "Don't bear suffering - use it!"
• "I'd rather have a hard road to heaven than an easy one to hell."
• Don't waste your suffering. Don't let your tears, pain & mourning go to waste. Use it to let God work in you & through you.
• Christians are like nails - the harder you hit them, the deeper they go.
  

Skepticism

In an episode of How I met Your Mother, it starts off when Ted's friends comment about how talkative his new girlfriend is. Then it snowballs when they turn their backs on one another & start voicing their pet peeves. *glass shatters*

It's funny how when you're infatuated at the start of a new relationship, almost nothing about the other person can annoy you. It's limerence where you're all excited about being in love. It's at this stage where you hear sweet nothings from the other person & you're on Cloud Nine because they tell you "I like you for who you are." I almost wish that's left unsaid.

The test is when you get past that. You start to notice those habits which never annoyed you before & they eventually become pet peeves. It may be the tiniest thing like the way they walk, or more important things which you don't see eye-to-eye with. But as said in the episode, "if you love them enough, you learn to live with them."

Maybe I'm naturally too optimistic. Often when I weigh up the negatives against the positives, they're not big enough for me to make a big deal out of & I let them go. Surely there are more things I value & hold on to more than even the bad stuff which may seem important at the time?

I think I've become skeptical & more wary of what I hear at the start of a relationship. I know that sooner or later, something's going to come up which bores them, annoys them & frustrates them. I'm starting to think that when it comes to relationships, it's almost impossible to love someone the way God has made them. I don't believe it when I hear it anymore & I'd rather not if it's going to be betrayed. We all have our pet peeves or values we hold on to, but it takes patience & grace to be able to look past that. It seems like those two things just don't exist anymore or just get looked over when you extend it.

I realise more & more that there's nothing else like the love of God. You may get over the initial limerence of being a new Christian, but I don't think God does. I believe He always finds joy when we are in relationship with Him & He shows us His grace & patience each & every day. So as bitter, disappointed or betrayed as I may feel, I really pray that I can trust in that.

Moving Forward

"If you're not moving forward, you're just going backwards."

This came up in the context of bible study last week. If we don't keep growing ourselves in our Christian walk, we might just fall away without realising it until it's too late. There's no such thing as being stagnant.

As true as it may be for our Christian lives, I feel it's somewhat true even in our planning for the future. I don't want to be standing still anymore ( I can hear Jewel in the background now), but sometimes it's hard to work out how moving forward might look like.

I need to talk to my boss before I decide on any big decisions. I hope it works out & I really should decide pretty soon.

Just keep swimming... just keep swimming. Hope the tide doesn't come unexpectedly & sweeps me away...

Plastic & Cosmetics

I was just reading an article on the Sydney Anglicans website about the effects cosmetics have on women's psyche. So naturally when a friend sent me a link which talked about plastic surgery, I was rather curious. Much to my amazement, I discovered that the girl talked about on the site Is a Singaporean who was a friend of a friend - they were in the same year in school.

Google 'Dawn Yang' & see what you find. She's even on Wikipedia. The transformation is stark, even while she still denies having gone under the knife. If you look at her academic history - attended top schools in Singapore & a holder of a scholarship - you wouldn't expect someone like her to do something like that. But she has now become a celebrity blogger due to her good looks & it seems like she has traded brains for beauty.

It got me thinking & it saddens me that women are so willing to put their body under so much just so they can alter their looks. For most, it is the expectation of a transformation of their lives that drives them. I personally look at Dawn's photos & think she looks plastic & alien-like. According to the Sydney Anglicans article, "the average Australian woman draws from a collection of $100 to $400 worth of cosmetic products to look after and make up her face."

There are a thousand things on the market which a woman can buy or use to enhance almost every feature you can think of. Fake eyelashes, fake eyebrows, fakes noses, fake chins, botox, fake bones to make you taller... the list goes on. I worked as a receptionist for a laser cosmetic surgeon last year & was fascinated at the number of perfectly good-looking women who would walk in & pay thousands of dollars to change something they didn't need to. And the promise of making it all look natural just heightens the appeal.

What happened to the concept of true natural beauty? Are women so afraid to walk out the door without anything covering their faces? Someone said to me, "If you can alter your looks for the better by surgery, why not?" She wouldn't be caught dead by her friends without any make-up on.

In high school, I used to get asked if I wore eyeliner to school. At the time, I didn't know whether to take that as a compliment or be offended. I never knew how to wear makeup until Year 11 or 12. Till this day, I don't even wear makeup to work & still have yet to master the art of applying eyeliner & mascara.

What astounds me is the ignorance of some guys. The temptation to resort to surgery, big or small, stems from insecurities & the worry that those who don't make the cut (excuse the pun) end up losing out. I sometimes wonder if maybe I would be noticed more if I changed my appearance. And to be honest, it's not just a struggle from the neck up, but also neck down - what I wear. It's the desire to feel valued & seen as a "princess".

I'm not saying I don't struggle with vanity at all. Those who know me would know that's not true. I still take a while to be satisfied with my appearance before I walk out the door every morning. I still tweak at the smallest things because I feel they don't look good enough. But I guess the difference is I realise that my worth is ultimately found on the Cross. It's not wrong to apply makeup or to appreciate beauty - both are gifts from God. But we need to be aware of how these things can affect our self-worth & our concept of beauty.The tricky part is to keep examining our hearts & cultivating inner beauty rather than external appearance. Ultimately, that's what is noticed by others & what is pleasing to God.

I like to think of going under the knife as having surgery by the hand of God.

Mat 5:29-30 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.

Singapore Highlights

Some of the highlights of my trip:

• Getting caught in really, really heavy rain. Not fun. Had to run to the bus stop, but I was getting so soaked waiting that I decided to hail a cab. So awkward trying to get into a car while it's pouring over your head & you've got a cake box in one hand & an umbrella in the other.
  
• Having a nice (cute) guy shut the door for me. I was having trouble closing the door of the cab, so this guy at the bus stop braved the rain & gave me a hand. Poor guy got drenched. Ah... chivalry still exists in Singapore. :)
• Dinner with my church friends. Been way too long.
  
• One of my best friends got engaged while I was here & I'm a bridesmaid!!! Really didn't expect that 'cos I'm living overseas. All the more excited it makes me. I think it'll be surreal walking down the aisle with a guy I'm not marrying (Think she wants us to walk in pairs).
  
• Not really a highlight, but I'm having discontentment issues. Singleness never really used to bother me that much. Now I'm just sad 'cos I feel alone & that I've lost so much in the process of dating. Sad that I might not find anyone or that I won't be found. Silly thinking - God's in control. Need prayer for that.
• Discussion with family about Melbourne. Need prayer for that too.

Tossing it Up

Towards the beginning of this month, my family started thinking seriously about moving to Melbourne. Ever since we moved from Sydney to Singapore when I was 7 years old, it's always been on the agenda that we eventually settle back down in Australia.

Dad has been offered a job in Melbourne & we've been talking about it since. My sister would definitely move there with them, but I'm still trying to work out if I'd like the change.

There are so many things I'd miss about Sydney. Church, friends, my job... just the familiarity. At the same time, I also feel like I need to move into new & different territories - try new things, allow myself to start afresh & escape the things which I find hard to deal with. It seems like it's a good time to do that, with all the recent changes that have been taking place. Nothing's really holding me back except for my own feelings. I want to break free & reestablish/rediscover myself, meet new people, fall in love again.. I helped friends regain their footing when they've had doubts about themselves, but it's hard to that for yourself sometimes.

It's sad when I've come to the point where I feel like I've got nothing to lose. I don't even think I'm going to be missed all that much. I've never been one who likes change, but this time I feel like I could do with a bit of it. I've been in the same place for way too long & I'd eventually need to move on. Now just seems like perfect timing. I'm tired of feeling like I'm stagnant while everyone else is making progress & I don't want it to stay the same in 5 years time.

I still need to think about it a bit more though. While I'm praying about it, I could also do with some guidance from people I know. So if anyone's got any input, I'm all ears.

The Grace of Friendship

You know how some people are just... there. Always. No matter where you go & which path you're on, they're right there. For a good laugh, a cry or a shoulder for support. Those who reassure you of their presence, even when you may not see eye-to-eye. Their presence might not always be obvious or not always missed, but when you do bother to notice, you find that they truly are a treasure.

They might just get you in ways that not many people do, or it may be that they just bother to understand you. Not many words have to pass between you. Sometimes you can share almost everything with them. At other times you can be silent & then they say something... it takes you by surprise & it makes you smile. You feel secure because you know they'll never go away.

We often overlook these people & take them for granted. But it's the subtle & little things which make a difference. I believe the test of a true friendship is one which has weathered storm, where you've hurt each other & yet you're willing to forgive & show grace - very few things can compare to that. I can be my true self around them & know that they still love me even in my ugliness & I'm made more beautiful because of it.

I'm learning grace more & more each day because of the grace showered upon me by God & by these precious people. For that I'm truly thankful.

Down with the Bug

Argh... mby ndose id dribing mbe crazy.

Been sniffling & blowing my nose so often that my nose is starting to feel sore & my head hurts from all the coughing. All I feel like doing is lying in bed with a cup of hot chocolate (or chai latte), curl up & go to sleep. I was at a church meeting earlier & I had to rummage through my bag for a tissue 'cos I felt a drip coming along. I know, not the most endearing sight of me.

Doesn't it annoy you when you've got a runny nose when you go to bed? No position seems to feel comfortable & your nose gets all weird no matter how you sleep. I lost my voice slightly over the weekend - I thought I sounded sexy (haha) though my colleague thought otherwise.

I get lonely when I'm sick. I want to be pampered & taken care of. As a child, it never seemed to matter to my mum that it might be contagious - she would just look after me anyways, bringing me a hot water bottle if I had the chills or a cool towel for my forehead if I had a fever. I know I sound like a brat, but having someone give you a hug & rest your head on their lap is one of the best feelings in the world.

I might just have to be content with my cushions & pillows for now.

The Grieving Process

The last couple of months have brought events which have caused many nights of crying before I sleep. I have come to realise the pain of broken relationships this side of heaven & how much I value the closeness of certain people in my life.

When you are torn from someone, especially without your control, you feel helplessness & deep sadness. You think about all the things you've been through together & how much of your life you've shared with them.

Today was one of the hardest days where I found myself reminiscing & grieving for the relationships which have been or will be broken. And even though I hope to see them again, I know that in reality it will never be quite the same. The absence of their presence is most often than not too noticeable, even if I might not show it. I'm often surprised by how much they truly mean to me.

Sometimes all I want is to express to them how much I'll miss them & how sad it makes me to see them go. I try to write a letter or perhaps buy a card. Today, I couldn't find a card that was quite right for what I felt. That only served to heighten those emotions.

On this side of heaven, I should expect that relationships will be hard & some inevitably broken. I was reminded that God is our comfort during these times & to let myself go through the grieving process slowly. I often get frustrated with myself, thinking I'm being selfish because I'm too inward focused. However, I've learnt that this would only serve to slow down the healing process & may lead to depression & unhealthy grief. Sometimes being angry is a good thing - part of the cycle of the grieving process. Time heals all wounds, so to speak. I also realise that there are good reasons for them to go & that they probably experience the same sadness I do.

I am reminded that God is sovereign & He has perfect timing & a perfect plan. I praise Him for all those people I hold so dearly in my life, who trust in Him & whom I look up to with deep respect. I thank Him for all those who have benefited from their guidance & wisdom. May He continue to keep them till the next side of heaven.

The Smallest of Things...

...can make your day & just bring a smile to your face.

• A phone call from a friend, just because
• Having someone tell you you're appreciated for who you are
• Visiting a pet shop
• Reading a book & being reminded of Christ's sovereignty

"The joy of the LORD is our strength..."

The Penguin

My colleagues & I have a thing for penguins. And it's not just because they're cute & clumsy birds in tuxedos.

The conversation was sparked last year when someone quoted a scene from 'Friends' the TV show. Phoebe's comment was that Ross was Rachel's lobster, in other words, her soul mate for life. To our disappointment, one of us did some further research & found out that lobsters don't really mate for life (what are TV shows feeding children these days???). But we know that penguins on the other hand, do in fact have one partner in their lifetime.

In the movie 'Definitely, Maybe', the 10-year-old girl mentions to her dad the very same fact. "Did you know that penguins mate for life? They can be apart for years, but they always manage to find each other again."

[Warning: Spoiler ahead] My heart broke for the best friend in the movie. She loved him & when he loved another she held her head high & tried to be happy for him, to be there as his friend. And he realised he loved her later, only to hurt her again & she had to walk away. But he came back eventually because he knew that there was no one else like her who could truly love him the way she did. Though I do not agree with divorce, she turned out to be his penguin in the end.

We all want our own penguin. My colleague even printed out a picture of 'Happy Feet' for us girls - it's still near my window. I thought it was funny at the time. Each penguin weathers harsh conditions after the courtship to finally reunite after being separated (March of the Penguins) & are still drawn towards each other despite. In the sea of black & white, how do they figure out who is THE penguin in the first place?

Maybe I'm a lone & lost penguin for the moment, floating on ice. In the midst of trusting God with my life, I still hope that He might lead me to THE Penguin. Even if He doesn't, I pray that I will still be content with being with my Maker.

Sense & Sensibility

I watched the infamous Jane Austen classic today & loved it. Like so many films set in that era, it's about how a family with 2 girls of marriageable age go through heartache & disappointment along their way of finding happiness with 2 young suitors. I found myself identifying with both women - Elinor the eldest who uses her mind, & Marianne who uses her heart.

Elinor was left battling her emotions when she thought the man she loved was engaged to another. She was crying on the inside when she feared her sister might die from an illness. When the man she loved proposed, she couldn't help but finally break down into tears of joy & relief (& so did I).

I'm the eldest of 3 children & I've always felt the responsibility in the midst of hardship to put up a brave front for my younger siblings & even with my parents. My parents know that on the rare occasion when I cry in front of them, I'm truly upset & vulnerable. My dad is visiting from Singapore at the moment & though I'm not in the mood for bonding, I'm finding myself pretending I'm alright while I'm crushed inside & any moment of him asking will bring me to tears. I've always believed that only those who are close to me are able to see through me or know I'm crying even when I try to hide it over the phone.

But people always tell me I'm an emotional person, like Marianne. She longed for someone to sweep her off her feet & loved someone who ended up leading her on into believing it was reciprocal. She wore her heart out on her sleeve & I felt her pain when she was left so heartbroken that she ended up making herself ill. In the end, she wound up with someone who fought for her & won her affections.

As I watched, I wished that someone would fight for me. Who would see me as worthy enough to be fought for. No guy I liked really has had to fight for my affections. Maybe that's why my friend, Ivy, firmly believes "easy come, easy go". Apparently, I'm too "easy" for the guy I like to win me over. Not that I condone playing silly games, just that the things you fight the hardest for are those you're likely to treasure most. It's been ages since I've been on a date where someone put in the effort to plan the evening, just because. Everything worth keeping is worth fighting for & ultimately, women need a man who can assure her that he won't leave her in the lurch when things go pear-shaped.

One quote from the movie:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! It is an ever fixed mark
That looks on tempests & is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips & cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with its brief hours & weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error & upon me proved,
I never writ, nor man ever loved.

William Shakespeare (1564-1616)
Sonnet 116

The 2 sisters are so different, as Marianne puts it to Elisor, "Neither of us have anything to tell. I because I conceal nothing, and you because you communicate nothing." Yet we can all identify with their emotions & actions. Sometimes, we just need to be ourselves & trust that God knows what's best for us & that He made us each to be in His image, no matter how that might look like. In times like these, I cry for acceptance & I battle with the notion that I'm not good enough. Even if no one thinks I'm worth fighting for, I'll know that I'm loved enough for God to die for.

Land of Make-Believe

Edward Scissorhands is showing at the Opera House & tickets are on sale now. I'd really love to go, only I'm not sure who to go with & whether I can afford them. It would really make my day at the moment if I go out on a whim & buy them.

Some people love concerts, but I'm a musical & play kind of girl. When I watch everything appearing on stage, suddenly the characters come alive & I get engrossed in what's happening in front of my eyes. I love the cool effects & costumes, the dancing, the singing & the music.

And for a while, just for a moment, I can just escape.

And then reality sinks in.

Numbness

Numb, cold & emotionless. Just... nothing. Into the blackness of nothingness.

Comfort doesn't matter to me. I need to look out for my own self now.

God is with me.

Round in Circles

I may be stuck in this cycle for a while. I wish someone would bail me out of there. Or perhaps I got myself stuck in the first place & I need to figure out how to get out.

I feel like a mouse in a cage that won't stop running on the wheel for fear of falling off or because I might not even know how to stop. Though I try to run fast, I'm still stuck at the very same spot.

I really should pray more & trust God more than I do. I know God has a good plan for me.

I hate arguments...

They just bring out the ugly side in us all. You're selfish when you fight & you feel like "Why don't you see my point of view? Do you even understand me...".

But I wonder if there are some things worth fighting for. Like your values. Like justice. However, the fact is we as humans have a skewed sense of those 2 things.

At times I'm good at letting things go - just let it go & take the brunt of it. But it wears me out after a while & I feel I can't take up any more than what I'm already bearing. Sometimes you do need to protect yourself & that might mean letting others take some of their responsibility for a change. I'm not sure how Christian this is though. When you think about Paul the apostle or Jesus, they endured so much for others. I wish I could do that more.

My boss once commented that assertiveness comes naturally to me when required. I think that's true. But if you truly knew me... if you understood what lies beneath the seemingly hard exterior, there's more to it than that. Only if you'd bother finding out.

Pearl diving can take a long time & you might not always find a pearl in every oyster. But when you do, it's precious & well worth keeping. Interestingly enough, the formation of a pearl can only be triggered by some sort of impurity, like sand and parasites. Maybe one day someone can find that in me together with all my flaws.