Bottled Up

I feel sick in the stomach... like someone just stuck his hand in there & squeezed my insides.

I feel an ache in my heart... like I can't breathe properly. I've been feeling like I need to cry for a few days now, but nothing seems to happen even when I try to squeeze out some tears. I hate feeling like everything's bottled up inside... even after talking about it. I need to cry... I need to get it out.

Argh... =(

'Jess-Sized'

Someone coined that term a few months ago when I was holding a corn-on-a-stick at the Easter Show. I looked at the size of the thing in my hand & said, "It's huge. Don't they have smaller sizes?"

The term hasn't really stuck around much. I don't think I mind it all that much, but I've recently been wondering -- what do people notice when they look at me? One of the first things someone said to me after meeting me for the first time was that they noticed I was quite petite.

I've never really been all that self-conscious about my height or size, but I must admit that sometimes I do feel quite small. Not just physically, but that somehow I don't seem to measure up... that I'm more insignificant because of it. Do people take you less seriously when you're small? I'm also more aware of my small frame when I'm around a lot of other girls.

I know that as Christians, we're not supposed to feel like that. God made us each in His own image & uniquely different. We shouldn't worry about our self-image. And the fact that I compare myself with other girls makes it unhelpful & it might stem from the ungodly desire of seeking attention from others.

I am reminded of these verses:

Pro 31:30 "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

1Pe 3:3-4 "Do not let your adorning be external -- the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing -- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

True beauty lies within. I should take the time to cultivate the inner beauty which lasts eternally. I hope that even if people notice my small frame, the words I speak would be gentle, seasoned with salt, full of wisdom & giving grace to those who hear, so that that itself would override all of the unimportant & superficial outward appearance.

(Dis)Contentment

While on my trip in Italy, plenty of time was spent in the bus travelling from one place to another. Some trips could take as long as 2-3hours. This gave me loads of thinking time as I quietly watched the gorgeous scenery flashing by as we drove. It's what I do when I'm alone -- I'm a thinker, even though I might not seem like the kind of person to talk much about what I think about.

One of the things which got my mind ticking was that I couldn't help but notice that more than half the people on our tour were newly-weds... honeymooners. In fact, 7 couples exactly got married on the 7/7/07 (weird hey?). As I watched them quietly & discretely ('cos you sometimes people-watch when you're thinking too), feelings which I hadn't felt in a while started to creep up on me. Loneliness... discontentment... longing for companionship.

I watched them silently...The lovey-dovey looks, the holding of hands, the laughing, the whispering, the enjoyment of each other's company & the sharing of a new experience in a new place... I felt a gentle tug at my heartstrings. How long ago since I had those experiences? The feeling of caring for someone & just being able to watch him & catching him in his little ways that are uniquely 'him'. And you believe him when he tells you you're beautiful, not just on the outside but also on the inside. But the funny thing is that it also makes you want to be someone more beautiful on the inside because of him.

It's not that I'm unhappy where I'm at presently. I think God has been very kind to me -- a home, a degree, a job, a family, a church of like-minded believers. I thank God each day for these things & I'm not ungrateful.

After more thinking, I tried to shake off all the unhelpful things I was feeling. I wanted to be content. But I didn't want to be content just for the sake of contentment or because it's a 'Christian' thing to feel. I wanted to be content because I truly appreciated the place God has placed me in at this point in my life. I wanted to be happy just because I'm a child of God.

And I think I am. But I also think that I feel content because I'm afraid of the feelings a relationship might bring. Sometimes life is just simpler when you're on your own. And I know what I'm truly like on the inside. At the beginning of each relationship, I'm always afraid that he'll leave once he finds out my flaws. But God knows me & still loves me &, more amazingly, changes me.

So I think I am truly content with God, but there's also a deeper root to part of it... in wanting to feel content because of the uncomfortable feelings of not. Contentment can bring feelings of security. Maybe that's what it is.

So I said a silent prayer in the midst of the quiet chatter & whispering. I prayed that decay wouldn't form in my heart. That my security would rest in my assurance of Christ & His coming. That I would be content with the things that truly mattered.

Hebrews 13:5b "...be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."