Cherished Traditions of the Heart

I'm quite a traditionalist at heart. I like having my own traditions or things I'd like to do at certain times. Maybe it's because they bring a feeling of nostalgia & gets me reminiscing about former days.

I have a tradition each year at Christmas. The six-storey high Christmas tree at the heart of Martin Place holds fond memories for me since I came to Sydney 5 years ago. I personally don't really care much about Christmas trees. This one is not any more special than all the others on the streets. But it's not the tree that makes the place special, but the memories held there.

Every year around Christmas time, I'd stand in front of the tree & take a photo. I could just be passing by or I'd make an extra effort to go after Carols in the Domain, but I always think of it as my 'special place' during the festive season. And it's always shared with people who are dear to me.

After 3 consecutive years of photos, I managed to miss out last year. Greatly disappointed, I flew off to Singapore without paying the place a visit. It wasn't that I didn't have any opportunities to go before I left, but the place held memories which I knew would set off a wave of unhelpful emotions. So I restrained myself & mustered the will to go against the temptation.

However, this year I paid Martin Place a visit again. The decorations on the tree were different from former years. The big, red bows on its branches were replaced by stars & there were fairy lights which changed colours. Though I thought it was more tacky than usual, as I stood in front of the tree & took a photo, I couldn't help but smile as the familiar feeling of nostalgia returned.

Traditions can be silly & fun, or serious & done under compulsion. But all kinds of its experiences are best shared with people rather than done alone. You'll have something to smile about in the future, like an inside joke where you can share a stolen smile & no one else notices or understands.

I hope that everyone has a cherished tradition or a special place of their own where they can enjoy. My place for me reminds me of change in the last 5 years I've been here. What's that special place for you?

Merry Christmas everyone! May the joy of the season be with you as we celebrate the birth of the Saviour of this world.

How to Conceal Gossip

Have you ever come across a point in time where you felt distressed & just needed to get it off your chest? The only thing is that the situation might not just involve you, but another party. So how much information do you share?

Sharing too much might be unloving towards others, but how else are you supposed to ask for advice? I'm sure many of us have found ourselves in this situation or have been on the receiving end where you feel that too much information has been passed around concerning you. When the latter happens to you, you become more conscious of what you choose to reveal about others.

I understand the need to get things off your chest, but the most loving thing to do is to limit how far that information travels. Maybe share with 3-4 close friends, but to go to the extent of sharing it with about 10 others, that's not a very loving & Christian thing to do. There are always 2 sides to a story & though you might feel better after unloading off a friend, it's basically concealed gossip if you don't have the courage to talk to the person face-to-face but behind his back. It's all rather childish.

How would you react to a situation like that? I think it's an important part of ministering to others -- learning the confidence of some information & the importance of trust in friendships. Because though it may help in the short term, in the long run it might affect your friendship for the worse.

I read John 17 today, where Jesus prays for His people to be united. It's Christmas after all.

Welcome!

I don't think I should have stayed up so late putting this together. I'm on a midnight flight tonight back to Sydney & I'm not going to get much sleep as it is. But I was having fun playing around with the html code for the template so I could personalise it. The IT nerd in me wouldn't let me rest.

But anyways, here it is!

I might go back to bed for a quick nap...

In View of Privacy...

... I'm still deciding whether to have my blog as invite-only or to just not have an archive so people can't trace my history.

Either way, if you're one of my regular blog readers, let me know... just in case I switch back to invite-only.

Hope this doesn't offend anyone.

P.S.: Does anyone know how to remove the link for "Older Posts" at the bottom of my blog???

One day later: Woohoo! I figured it out on my own. =D

Family Matters

Being back in Singapore with my whole family always makes me more aware of how my family functions.

Growing up as the eldest of 3 children, I got handed most of the responsibility. My brother is 8 years younger than me & he was naturally the pampered one. It annoyed me that they didn't trust him enough to give him more responsibility, teaching him to handle his own affairs & the world he lives in. That's especially important for a guy.

My sister is 2 years younger than me. As the middle child, she's nothing like her older sister (she'd unashamedly admit that too). She's also the more affectionate one out of the two of us & always likes sharing with my mum.

On the other hand, I've always been rather distant from my family. For some reason, I'm not comfortable with affection & sharing. Back in my teenage years, I kept to myself most of the time. When I was upset, I'd just let it out in the privacy of my own room & only show it when they were the cause of my misfit.

So much of who we are comes from our upbringing. I now find myself still not the 'huggy' type of person (I don't mind giving friends a hug, but I'd rarely initiate one for no reason unless they're upset. Don't let this turn you off trying though. I won't hate you for it). When I'm upset at someone, sometimes I don't want them coming near me & I might try to hide the fact I'm unhappy. I still don't share very much with my family. They usually only hear of things happening in my life when they're huge enough.

It's strange observing the way family influences your character. I make mental notes of some things I appreciate & would like to do for my children, & others which make me sad & think I would like to improve for the future. I'd love my children to feel comfortable enough to share their lives with me. I see the value of good discipline from my dad. I have my own ideals about how a family should function (I still think my brother needs to be trusted a little more with responsibility).

I wonder how my own family would function (if I do have one). My children would probably look back & tell me I didn't do a perfect job & I'd probably realise that I didn't manage to implement all my ideals. But I guess that's all part of the fun & challenge of learning. One thing for sure though...I just hope my family would be Christian.

Kris Kringle Shopping

It was cool to see a friend from Sydney out of context in Singapore. We met yesterday while he was on a business trip here & just hung out.

There really isn't that much to do in Singapore apart from eating & shopping. I kept thinking "I hope he's not too bored", while we were doing a lot of walking. I ended up buying 2 pairs of shoes & I've got another pair in mind plus a few working clothes which I'd like to buy. $20 for a pair of shoes -- it's a great bargain!

Also on my agenda was doing some random shopping for 3 Christmas parties I'd be attending. That meant 3 Kris Kringle presents I had to buy. I never liked shopping for them, just because I like putting thought into my gifts. I knew that people expected random stuff from Kris Kringle, so maybe I'd have some fun shopping for them.

You wouldn't believe the kinds of random toys they have in an Asian country! I'm not entirely sure why anyone would buy them apart from Kris Kringle. My friend & I had a few chuckles browsing some of the shops. I only bought 1 out of 3 presents, but it's totally random (but kind of useful if you tried). I can't describe what it is, just in case you receive it & hate it & you'd know it's from me!

On my agenda today: More shopping! I want to do my Christmas shopping here & buy stuff for people back in Sydney as souvenirs. It's so great to relax at home & to catch up on sleep.

Status Update

Off to Singapore for a week!

Apparently the weather will be humid & rainy. What's new?

I've been a little preoccupied to blog lately. As you may have realised, I've change the privacy settings on my blog.

I've discovered that my online presence may be too personal it makes me cringe a little. I mean, a blog posted online is free for all to see, right? It's your own choice. I guess I'm not as comfortable with my life being on display to people I don't really know very well, so I've decided to have it as invite-only.

So you guys are VIPs of my blog. :)

Knowing Truly

In my relationships with others, I sometimes wonder what it means to really & truly know someone. Can we ever get to that stage? Like is knowing their likes & dislikes enough to enable you to get along? Knowing what makes them tick? What makes them laugh or cry?

There are some people who know me really well. They know the side that everyone knows as well as the things I try to conceal. And the fact they're still there in my life means a lot to me.

Then there are those who think they've got me figured out, but really they don't know me as well as they think they do. Sometimes friends can point out sides of you which you don't see, & that to me is an opportunity for self-assessment. But sometimes their view of you is skewed, either because they don't know me well enough, or misunderstanding or miscommunication happens to truncate the message I try to convey. And that hurts.

I think I've got a lot to work on when it comes to expressing my thoughts & feelings, but I wish people would give me the benefit of the doubt. Especially when being considerate of others ends up blowing up in my face. I know everyone's different, but I get frustrated living in this fallen world where just relating to each other is so hard.

I'm a little tired to trying to prove myself to others. If they don't see me for who I am, or won't bother to understand me, then maybe I should stop making the effort. People talk about how being a 'Christian Nice Guy' means having people take you for granted or take advantage of you. What about just nice Christians in general? Maybe we should examine ourselves before trying to change others.

Maybe getting to know someone is a lot to do with accepting them for who they are & not trying so hard to work them out. Sometimes the more you try to analyse, the harder it gets & the worse it becomes. Maybe relationships should be allowed to take their natural course & we should just learn more about each other by spending time together.

This, of course, needs time, patience & energy invested. As I've been reading the book 'Knowing God' by J.I. Packer, the same is true for our relationship with God. The only way we are to know God is through taking the time out to read His Word. What we can know of God is what He has chosen to reveal. When we have the wrong understanding of God & His character it's because we have not tried to truly understand Him & we end up not being faithful to His character. Do we make God out to be what we want Him to be, or do we accept Him for the God He is? Knowing God is different from knowing about God. We start with His character in order to understand the other things -- what He loves & hates, what offends Him & what makes Him glad.

Although different in obvious ways (mainly because we're not all good like God is), there are certain parallels to draw from when dealing with our own relationships.

I realise that this is probably one of my more 'angry' posts, but sometimes you just have to let out out somehow.

Waiting for Goodbyes

My family in front of the famous Ponte Vecchio and the River Arno in Florence.

I miss my family... so I decided to post a picture of us.

If there's one thing I definitely dislike, it's goodbyes.

I'm terrible at saying goodbye. In fact, I really, really hate it. The breaking of relationships & the whole wishing each other well thing... it doesn't sit very well with me.

Mostly because I don't like change & I really value a lot of my relationships with people. Sometimes I don't realise just how much they mean to me until it's time to say goodbye.

An announcement was made in front of church for those who will be leaving next year. My heart wrenched because I've been dreading that moment when I have to say goodbye.

I guess we'll see how it goes in the next couple of weeks. I don't feel like revealing anything more at the moment.

Unveiling the Real Me

It has been a crazy past few weeks. I went to the Challenge Conference over the Labour Day long weekend & it was fantastic! It was so good to see & catch up with people I hardly ever see but once a year & to reinforce the friendships & networks I have outside of my church.

Jess Khor & I at a cafe at Kurrajong during Challenge.

Talking to Tara (one of my interviewers) about plans for next year makes everything seem so real. And speaking to Grimmo about it last night... it is rather emotional as it somehow makes my decisions a little more set in concrete.

Further circumstances along the way have caused me to closely examine myself & to discover what I'm really like. Not just what people percieve me to be, but what goes on in my heart of hearts. I was challenged by Tara to catch up with a few friends to talk about the difficulties of our relationships before & to be really open & honest with each other.

I believe that if you truly listen to others & humble enough, you'd take into consideration their point of view & meditate on the feedback they have to give. This is no easy task & some things can be really hard to hear. But the great blessing & lifting of my spirit after these conversations -- it made it totally worth it! It's about discovering yourself, growing in godliness & strengthening your friendships. Only true friends can be so honest with you even when it hurts.

As I go through this intense path of self-discovery, I realise more & more the sinful person I am. Relationships with each other are hard because we are selfish creatures who care only about how to serve our own needs. The real Jess isn't who you see on the outside, but it is the person whom only God sees.

And yet, in His amazing grace, God still sees me as spotless & blameless. Imagine that! But yet, He is constantly changing me & picking away at my flaws, forcing me to deal with them in a (hopefully) godly way. And on the occasion when you realise it, you feel so incredibly blessed to be God's child & to experience the love of brothers & sisters who are also seeking to honour God in their relationships.

Col 3:12-17 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Advice

God gives us Christian brothers & sisters in order to spur each other on in our Christian growth. In relation to my previous post, these people are valuable sources of wisdom. I'm thankful that I have a few close friends whom I trust enough to help me make good & godly decisions.

Scenario: A friend comes to you for advice & you tell her your opinion. Yet, after weighing up her options, she chooses the option that you advised against. How would you feel? Would you judge her in her 'wrong' decision? Would you still support her in her decision?

At the end of the day, I know that any decisions I make are my own & that I have to bear the consequences of them. To go against their advice (not purposefully) may seem like a stupid thing to do. But to ignore your own instincts & feelings is hard as well. Your friends can only steer you in the direction they think is best., but you're still the captain of your own ship. However, you still need to take into account the wisdom that God gives in the form of your friends or older & wiser people in church.

So where do you find the balance when there is no clear distinction between black & white? Is it all just a matter of trusting that God will work His good purposes out no matter what?

I wish I had gone to MYC this year... haha.

Wisdom

I often find myself in need of God's wisdom.

James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

But it can still seem unclear as to what wisdom looks like. How do you know when you've obtained it?

Sigh...

Every Blessing

On the library lawn.

Especially in the last few months, I've been realising how incredibly blessed I am. I have just so much to give thanks to God for.

I've started out my job with the Sydney Diocesan Secretariat & I really enjoy working there. The people are lovely, we work but have lots of good fun getting to know each other, having morning & arvo tea together, & even praying before team meetings. I hope I pass the 3 months of probation here.

Xuan & I at the Commerce courtyard.

My parents also came down from Singapore for my graduation yesterday. It was a gorgeous sunny day for it & I rejoiced at having my family with me to celebrate. Bumped into a number of friends to take some photos... just a great time to remember my days at UNSW & CBS.

And to add to all of that... my parents bought me a car! A nice light blue Honda Jazz. Hayley wants to name it Jacinta... but we'll see... hehe.

I am reminded that everything I have is a blessing from God... lots of things which I often take for granted. I don't acknowledge Him as much as I should, but yet He chooses to lavish upon me so many good things.

James 1:17-18 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

But I'm also reminded of God's ultimate good gift in sending Jesus, His Son. In Christ, we have every blessing we could possibly imagine. Blessings which we don't deserve & don't even think are important -- grace... adoption... redemption... forgiveness. All to fulfill His ultimate purpose in having all things under the lordship of Christ.

Eph 1:3-10 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

How rich are God's blessings found in Jesus. They are much more valuable than any of the earthly blessings we have. He has chosen to lavish them upon us... these blessings are for everyone. All you have to do is to acknowledge the giver.

Like Moses

I've always known that I'm not one with words. As eloquent as I try to be, I find myself stumbling over words, stuttering or struggling to find the right words to express myself. Sometimes I wonder if I come across as a babbling idiot when I talk to people.

Maybe it's a sign of a lack of confidence? Or maybe it's just the way God has created me to be. Maybe I should see a speech pathologist or something...

But I wonder how this lack of eloquence might deter me from doing Word ministry. How can I explain the gospel or answer difficult questions if I can't express myself clearly to others? I stumble over just the casual chit-chat with friends. It's more prevalent when I'm a little intimidated or uncomfortable, or when talking to people who do have a right way with words. It's quite disappointing because all I want is for my lips to speak the truth in love & for my words to honour God.

Then I think of Moses' meeting with God at he burning bush:
Exo 4:10-12 But Moses said to the LORD, "Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue."
Then the LORD said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?
Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak."

I know God can use me in whatever way He wants. Maybe I'm not cut out for Word ministry, or maybe I am. Or maybe I should redefine Word ministry & not put it into a box. Every Christian should be doing Word ministry in some form by talking to others about Jesus.

I don't know if I've got anything else to say on this subject...

Bottled Up

I feel sick in the stomach... like someone just stuck his hand in there & squeezed my insides.

I feel an ache in my heart... like I can't breathe properly. I've been feeling like I need to cry for a few days now, but nothing seems to happen even when I try to squeeze out some tears. I hate feeling like everything's bottled up inside... even after talking about it. I need to cry... I need to get it out.

Argh... =(

'Jess-Sized'

Someone coined that term a few months ago when I was holding a corn-on-a-stick at the Easter Show. I looked at the size of the thing in my hand & said, "It's huge. Don't they have smaller sizes?"

The term hasn't really stuck around much. I don't think I mind it all that much, but I've recently been wondering -- what do people notice when they look at me? One of the first things someone said to me after meeting me for the first time was that they noticed I was quite petite.

I've never really been all that self-conscious about my height or size, but I must admit that sometimes I do feel quite small. Not just physically, but that somehow I don't seem to measure up... that I'm more insignificant because of it. Do people take you less seriously when you're small? I'm also more aware of my small frame when I'm around a lot of other girls.

I know that as Christians, we're not supposed to feel like that. God made us each in His own image & uniquely different. We shouldn't worry about our self-image. And the fact that I compare myself with other girls makes it unhelpful & it might stem from the ungodly desire of seeking attention from others.

I am reminded of these verses:

Pro 31:30 "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

1Pe 3:3-4 "Do not let your adorning be external -- the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing -- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

True beauty lies within. I should take the time to cultivate the inner beauty which lasts eternally. I hope that even if people notice my small frame, the words I speak would be gentle, seasoned with salt, full of wisdom & giving grace to those who hear, so that that itself would override all of the unimportant & superficial outward appearance.

(Dis)Contentment

While on my trip in Italy, plenty of time was spent in the bus travelling from one place to another. Some trips could take as long as 2-3hours. This gave me loads of thinking time as I quietly watched the gorgeous scenery flashing by as we drove. It's what I do when I'm alone -- I'm a thinker, even though I might not seem like the kind of person to talk much about what I think about.

One of the things which got my mind ticking was that I couldn't help but notice that more than half the people on our tour were newly-weds... honeymooners. In fact, 7 couples exactly got married on the 7/7/07 (weird hey?). As I watched them quietly & discretely ('cos you sometimes people-watch when you're thinking too), feelings which I hadn't felt in a while started to creep up on me. Loneliness... discontentment... longing for companionship.

I watched them silently...The lovey-dovey looks, the holding of hands, the laughing, the whispering, the enjoyment of each other's company & the sharing of a new experience in a new place... I felt a gentle tug at my heartstrings. How long ago since I had those experiences? The feeling of caring for someone & just being able to watch him & catching him in his little ways that are uniquely 'him'. And you believe him when he tells you you're beautiful, not just on the outside but also on the inside. But the funny thing is that it also makes you want to be someone more beautiful on the inside because of him.

It's not that I'm unhappy where I'm at presently. I think God has been very kind to me -- a home, a degree, a job, a family, a church of like-minded believers. I thank God each day for these things & I'm not ungrateful.

After more thinking, I tried to shake off all the unhelpful things I was feeling. I wanted to be content. But I didn't want to be content just for the sake of contentment or because it's a 'Christian' thing to feel. I wanted to be content because I truly appreciated the place God has placed me in at this point in my life. I wanted to be happy just because I'm a child of God.

And I think I am. But I also think that I feel content because I'm afraid of the feelings a relationship might bring. Sometimes life is just simpler when you're on your own. And I know what I'm truly like on the inside. At the beginning of each relationship, I'm always afraid that he'll leave once he finds out my flaws. But God knows me & still loves me &, more amazingly, changes me.

So I think I am truly content with God, but there's also a deeper root to part of it... in wanting to feel content because of the uncomfortable feelings of not. Contentment can bring feelings of security. Maybe that's what it is.

So I said a silent prayer in the midst of the quiet chatter & whispering. I prayed that decay wouldn't form in my heart. That my security would rest in my assurance of Christ & His coming. That I would be content with the things that truly mattered.

Hebrews 13:5b "...be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Another Year Gone By...

I've reached the halfway mark of the year 2007. Wow... I can't believe a year has gone by so quickly. About a year ago, I posted my first post on this blog. How did I even make it this far?

A year ago I wouldn't have contemplated getting to this point. I had no idea where I was heading, what my plans were, where God was going to take me, etc. I was frustrated with life, frustrated with God, though deep down inside I trusted Him immensely. When doubts cloud my mind & my heart, it's a constant rebuke from God -- "Haven't you realized it by now? The LORD can be trusted. Trust me."

Some things to give thanks to God for:-

• For God's faithfulness, even when I feel like I lack faith. For always carrying me -- through the highs & lows
• For wonderful brothers & sisters in Christ
• For teaching me so much about myself. About just how much more I need to grow in my godliness, in my capacity to love others, to forgive, to repent
• For the Holy Spirit, who is always at work in me to make me more like Jesus
• For His discipline, no matter how hard it is
  
• For getting me through my degree & for providing a job for me after finishing

Some things to continue praying for:-

• Helping me to continue to love others & to be humble
• For the fruits of the Spirit. In particular patience, gentleness & self-control
• To love & serve Him in everything
  

It doesn't mean I've got my life sorted out yet. There are still many things I can do so much better in terms of my godliness. I'm still planning what I'll be doing next year. I still have doubts about where God is taking me. I still hold on to some things when I should be letting go & entrusting them to God.

But I know God is changing me heaps. Sometimes in huge leaps that I struggle for air to breathe, & sometimes in little baby steps which are hardly noticeable at first until much time had passed. I think the thing I've learned most in the year is the capacity to love others despite the way I feel, despite circumstances & despite their response to me. It has changed the way I relate to others. But because we're all inherently selfish, I know I can still do much better at it.

How awesome is He! I'm so very thankful that I know the One Thing that matters most. I hope that I can share it with others by living my life for Him day by day... in His grace. No matter how hard it is, it never ceases to amaze me how much I can put my trust in God. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't truly believe in that simple truth.

The Weeding Process

It's hard to be a Christian sometimes, even around other Christians. I've been discovering that recently, but also filled with awe at the work that God is doing in each & every one of our lives.

Mat 22:37-39 And He [Jesus] said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

I've been so thankful as God has revealed His work in my life, especially in this area. To love your neighbour as yourself means to put others before yourself, even when it costs you & even when it hurts you. The sinful person in us wants to be heard: "Do you know how much you've hurt me?", or even when we do put the needs of others first, we wish that someone would notice that. It's a little like that hypocrite who prays to be seen by others (Mat 6:5-6). I'm quite an emotional person & when I'm hurt, I want the other person to notice & perhaps give me a hug.

What God has been teaching me is to bring all things to Him. With God, you can cry out to Him how you feel, or better still, pray for the one who has hurt you. It teaches us to put our own feelings aside to care for the other person & desire them good & not harm. For isn't that what Jesus did?

Luke 23:34 And Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." And they cast lots to divide his garments.

It's such a great encouragement & joy to see the ways God shapes our characters to be more like Jesus'. As He pulls out the thorns & weeds in our hearts, He makes them pure & aligns our desires to His. We often don't pray for God to do this because it may be a painful process, but I hope that our desire to be like Jesus will enable us to overcome all of that.

Amazing Grace

This is a beautiful rendition of the song 'Amazing Grace'. It's one of my timeless favorites.

Just listen to the lyrics. How truly amazing is the grace of our God, that He should save a wretch like me...

You Alone

Wouldn't it be nice if we could do everything we wanted & have everything we wanted? To have the best of both worlds when we're faced with difficult decisions or placed in frustrating circumstances?

When I'm placed in situations where I have to make a decision, I often think to myself "I wish this were easier. Why can't it be less complicated?" In other words, we sometimes think "God, why can't we be Christians & not have to follow your commandments?"

The talks at the EQUIP conference raised some of these issues we can have as Chrsitians, & I found them really challenging. The talk on James 4:1-3 was about how we often want the best of both worlds, having one foot in each camp so to speak. This is a reflection of our double-mindedness as humans. We want to live for God but also for our own pleasure.

Something that stands out for me is James 4:4 "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred towards God?"

God is a jealous God who is jealous of our affections. "Open marriage" does not exist when it comes to God. Sometimes we want to be free from God & do things our own way even when we belong to Him. But God doesn't want to be just "fitted" into our lives. He is completely devoted to us & is grieved about our ignorance to Him.

Eze 16:7-17:
"I made you flourish like a plant of the field. And you grew up and became tall and arrived at full adornment. Your breasts were formed, and your hair had grown; yet you were naked and bare. "When I passed by you again and saw you, behold, you were at the age for love, and I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness; I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord GOD, and you became mine. Then I bathed you with water and washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil. I clothed you also with embroidered cloth and shod you with fine leather. I wrapped you in fine linen and covered you with silk. And I adorned you with ornaments and put bracelets on your wrists and a chain on your neck. And I put a ring on your nose and earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head.

Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. And your renown went forth among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord GOD.

"But you trusted in your beauty and played the whore because of your renown and lavished your whorings on any passerby; your beauty became his. You took some of your garments and made for yourself colorful shrines, and on them played the whore. The like has never been, nor ever shall be. You also took your beautiful jewels of my gold and of my silver, which I had given you, and made for yourself images of men, and with them played the whore."

But God still welcomes us back. Is His demand of utter devotion unreasonable? No, "God gives what He demands"... He shows us such devotion when He sent His only Son to die for us. Jesus laid down His life for His cheating wife. Devotion to Him should be an appropriate response.

I was challenged to live for God alone, to live an uncompromised life for God alone. Too often many things can cloud our judgement & steer our focus away from God. I want to hold on to the treasure of heaven (Matthew 13:44-46) & I hope that others will recognise the true treasure as they filter out the rest of the trash in this world. The treasure of heaven should leave us captivated, breath-taken & we should be willing to make any sacrifice to keep it if we truly love it. We don't have to have the best of both worlds because we know that one world can truly satisfy.

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink & sex & ambition when infinite joy is offered us. We're like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased". -- C.S. Lewis

Easter Show

Good old fashioned snack food - hot chips, lemonade,

pies, corn & hot dog on a stick.

On the Saturday of the long weekend of Easter, a group of us from church headed down to the Easter Show. I hadn't been since 2003, & I recall thinking it being too overpriced at the time so I didn't go on any of the rides or buy a show bag. However, I thought I'd go all out this time & go on at least a couple of rides & get myself a show bag.

So we went to check out the rides. I was quite excited because I always view myself as somewhat of a daring person when it comes to going on those scary rides. I loved rollercoasters as a a kid & my sister & I would go on rides which take us 360 degrees upside down. From a distance, a ride called "Limit" caught my attention & I thought "Cool! That looks like fun!". On going up close, I could hear the screams of the people on it. The ride not only did a 360, but the seats turned as you went upside down. Furthermore, this ride did not have a closed in "cage" like the others I've been on, but it left your feet dangling in the air during the ride. There's no way I could go on that!

But after talking it up & Doris' prodding, I caved & went on it. I don't remember feeling that nervous about a ride before. I honestly don't remember being that scared in my life. The ride left me breathless... I was too scared throughout the ride to open my eyes or to even scream. Lots of adrenaline rush... it was good fun. Check out the video! You can't see my head, only the other 3 girls next to me, 'cos I was clinging on so tightly... haha.

We went a little crazy with the show bags.

Jess & I took a tour of the big tent with all the show bags. I was amazed at all the different types! Jess went a little crazy & bought about 6 (very generously for other people), while I settled for a Donna Hay one together with other females (they were too good to pass up!). We also bought some Shrek ears & gave them to everyone else. We're saving them for when Shrek 3 comes out... hehe.

Shrek ears! We didn't want to do the ogre frown.

I thought I'd share some pictures from the day. I might post up a video of the ride I went on soon as well.

Be Strong

Are you swimming upstream in oceans of blue?

Do you feel like your sinking?
Are you sick of the rain after all you've been through?
Well I know what you're thinking
When you can't take it
You can make it
Sometime soon I know you'll see

'Cause when your in you're darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower
whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on, and be strong

Where taking each step one day at a time
You can't loose your spirit
Let live and let live, forget and forgive
It's all how you see it
And just remember keep it together
Don't you know you're never alone'

Cause when you're in your darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower
whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on, and be strong

No you're not defeated
And soon you'll be smiling once again
Then you won't have to feel it
Let it go with the wind
Time passes us by
And know that you're allowed to cry

First Taste

So as they say 'The first love is always the sweetest', I don't think that applies for me & love for beer.

A group of us went to Red Oak Boutique Beer Cafe on Clarence St to celebrate Jess' graduation. They apparently make some interesting flavours of beers, so I was a little curious to try one.

I've never been a drinker of anything alcoholic. I think it's an acquired taste & my parents never drink, so I was brought up not liking the taste of alcohol. I don't even like any form of fizzy drink. It's all water or fruit juice for me. I do have perhaps a small glass of wine if I go out to dinner & it may be polite to drink with a boyfriend's family for example, or to give a toast to a bride & groom. Other than that, I'm not too fond of it.

But this time, I decided to be adventurous & order a beer together with my meal. They recommended one called Kolsch with my Suzuki Jewfish. I thought it sounded all right -- a little sweet with a pineapple & passionfruit tinge to it.

First taste... hrm... interesting... A few more small sips & passing it round the table for people to try, I decided it really wasn't for me. It still tasted too 'beer-like', even with the pineapple & passionfruit tinge.

Don't think I'll ever come to enjoy beer.

Oh well... it was worth the quench of my curiosity. And we had a good laugh about it too.

A Girlie Girl

Someone commented that I'm a girly girl. I take it that means for a girl, I'm quite 'girly'? I don't really know how to explain that comment.

What does being a girlie girl mean? Being feminine? Is it the opposite to being a tomboy? Is being a girlie girl a bad thing or a good thing?

What does being a woman actually mean, apart from being man's helper & being made in God's image? How does one act like a woman? Or like a girly girl?

What do you think it means?

Do you think I'm a girly girl?

Hrmm... just realised my blog is pink...

Relection on Resolutions

Earlier on in the year, some of you may recall my post on my new year's resolutions. I thought I'd do a review to see how I'm going at keeping them.

1. To not let my happiness be determined by someone else's actions or circumstances, but find more of my joy in God's salvation.
Reason: There's no point in having joy in something earthly that will pass away, or in things which are beyond my control. It will only make it harder. But joy in the things of eternal value is what really matters.

Praise God for joy in His salvation! I've been feeling a whole lot better (definitely better than my depression episode last year) & my friends have told me they can see the difference & that I've been smiling a lot more. =) I think having an eternal perspective on things really does make a huge difference in the way you view your life. However, I think I can still do better (see post 2 posts earlier). Instead of being afraid of 'feeling', I should learn to embrace it well.

2. To grow in godliness & prayerfulness to be the woman of God I am created to be.
Reason: "You shall be holy, for I am holy" -- 1 Peter 1:16. Also, you can't expect others to change, you can only change yourself with God's help.

Well, I can't really judge myself on my godliness (only God can do that), but I do hope I am growing in my Christian walk. Having time off this session to do a lot of reading has been helpful (I highly recommend the book 'Prayer' by Phillip Yancey). In order to discipline myself into having a good prayer life, I've been keeping a small prayer diary which I carry around in my bag. So when I've got time to spare during class, sitting on the bus, walking,etc. I can whip it out & have my prayer points in front of me. It's also helped me to look back & see God's answers to prayers as well as to follow up on some of the things I've prayed for before.

3. To re-organise & re-prioritise my life.
Reason: I haven't made an effort to do this during the year. I know what I'd LIKE to be doing but given current circumstances, I need to work out the direction I'm heading towards. Given the second definition of 'resolution', as Christians we need to redefine our purpose.

It's hard to say where I'm at, but it's been quite tough looking for a job & trying to balance finishing off my degree. There have been lots of ups & downs, & lots of disppointments, but it's been a good learning process of trying to trust God more. Loren commented that she has no idea what God has planned for me (after a really disappointing setback), but that either God has great plans for me or He is trying to teach me something (which somehow almsot always means that it gets tough). But overall, I think I'm still working towards an eternal prize, which is what really counts.

On Prayer

In all my prayers, whether I get the answer I want or not, I can count on this one fact: God can make use of whatever happens. Nothing is irredeemable.

'Teach me, O God, so to use all the circumstances of my life today that they may bring forth in me the fruits of holiness rather than the fruits of sin,' prayed the author John Baillie:

Let me use disappointment as material for patience.
Let me use success as material for thankfulness.
Let me use trouble as material for perseverance.
Let me use danger as material for courage.
Let me use reproach as material for long suffering.
Let me use praise as material for humility.
Let me use pleasures as material for temperance.
Let me use pain as material for endurance.

May this be the prayer for all of us.

My Flight Response to Fear

In basic biology, we were taught of the 'fight or flight' response. This natural tendency is triggered in response to fear or danger. If I recall correctly, there is a surge in adrenaline levels, & testosterone plays a part as well. I think that men in general tend towards the fight response, whereas girls tend towards flight. This is just me speculating here, but maybe it's got something to do with the testosterone levels in guys?

As I have been discovering recently, from reading of several books, talking to other girls & from my own experience, women really fear being hurt & vulnerable. And our natural response is to seek refuge which prevents us from being in vulnerable situations & we put up walls of defense round our hearts. As one book puts it, we "kill our heart's longing for intimacy so that we will be safe & in control. Women dominate because they fear vulnerability." I'm not saying this is true for every woman, but I find it true of most women I know, & certainly of myself.

"Women fear that they are somehow not enough. We can't put it into words, but deep down we fear that there is something terribly wrong with us. We can't help but believe that if we were different, if we were better, then we would have been loved as we so longed to be. It must be us." I think that's true about the way I feel, & disappointments in life experiences have only made me 'hide' even more. When someone tells you you're not good enough, or there's something wrong with you & you need to change the person you are, you gradually start to believe that. Though of course there are times when you really do need to change because your behaviour is ungodly or unloving, most of us (including men) would agree that it is still a hard thing to hear & you need the support of others, instead of constant criticism, to do that. It hurts all the more when the person who knows you best thinks so little of you & tells you exactly what they dislike about you. And when your character is abused as well, you start to think that you're somehow not worthy of care & concern, & that you're 'too much' for anyone to handle. You feel like you're not worthy of their time or effort.

"If we were overwhelmed or belittled or hurt or abused, we believed that somehow it was because of us." In reference to someone's story, "It sends the message that she wasn't worth his time. She wasn't worth loving. And she thinks 'Your desire for relationship causes pain. You are just too much.' And she has spent the last 20 years trying not to be too much, trying to minimise her desires, trying to find soome way to be loved without being too much. She has lopped off huge parts of her personality as a result."

I realise I'm like that. I put up walls around my heart & hide my true self, afraid to show my vulnerability or to let myself feel vulnerable. I avoid situations which I think would make me vulnerable or which I feel I might get hurt. As a result of wounds, I've come to believe that some part of me, maybe every part of me, is marred. Shame enters in & makes its crippling home deep within. Shame is what makes me avoid eye contact with strangers & friends, & makes me feel like I need to change some part of me in order to feel more confident. I fear that people are judging me, looking down on me, & I just wish I was slightly taller, slightly bigger in stature, or SOMETHING that would make me prove my worth. Shame is the sense that if someone really knew me, they would run away because I do not measure up to their standards, or even my own. "So we put up protective, defensive walls that warn others to keep their distance."

And so we are afraid of taking risks. If from multiple experience you learn that taking leaps mean getting hurt, then avoid it. Or analyse the situation till the cows come home before doing anything. It's part of learning. Even experimental mice show they learn to alter their behaviour if taking food out of a hole means getting electrocuted.


Past experiences play a huge role in the shaping us to be the people we are at present, sometimes in the subtlest of ways. Some people say "You shouldn't think about the past" or "You shouldn't let the past affect you", but I find tthem rather unreasonable things to do. Firstly, you need to think about the past in order to move forward or to learn from the past & to help you understand yourself better. That's why we study history. Even the bible teaches us important lessons from the past. Secondly, no matter how much you can try to not let the past affect you, believe me -- it still will, even if you don't realise it. Of course, you have to move on, but you can't just bury it without dealing with it. You can ask a woman if the lost of a pregnancy or the lost of a child to disease 10 years ago still affects her. Or ask someone who lost a loved one 10 years ago. If you dare even to ask, the answer would undoubtedly be an "of course". Even when you've stopped crying & grieving, the experience still sticks.

"Words were said, painful words, Things were done, awful things. And they shaped us. Something inside of us shifted. We embraced the message of our wounds, We accepted a twisted view of ourselves. And from that we chose a way of relating to our world. We made a vow never to be in that place again. We adopted strategies to protect ourselves from being hurt again. A woman who is living out of a broken, wounded heart is a woman who is living a self-protective life. It's our way of trying to 'save ourselves'."

But then, who is it that can ultimately save us, not only from our wounds, but from what we need saving from the most, i.e. sin? Leading the self-protective life makes it harder for us to surrender our lives to God, to trust Him. It may be subtle, but we feel that we need to control our world so we can feel safe. To control it in a way that will not require vulnerability.

We need (or I need) to continue to entrust my life to God. All the subtlest & smallest of wounds, of fear, of inadequancy or of feeling like we're "too much". Jesus came with the purpose of saving us from our sins, but he is also capable of healing. And I guess every experience teaches you really are small compared to the greatness of God.
Psa 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Grads Weekend Away

I've always enjoyed taking some time away from Sydney & going away from all the huste & bustle... especially with like-minded Christian brothers & sisters. Grads Weekend Away down at Gerringong recenty was such a great time to do just that.

I was a little worried about being in grads this year, coming from SBF last year. People seemed older & wiser, & half of them were married so I expected the dynamics to be a little different. That turned out to be true, but in a good way. Older Christians who are at a different stage of life than you are (or have been through the stage you're at) offer much wisdom not only to their understanding of the Scriptures, but also in the ways of Christian living. I'm really looking forward to learning more from them over the year.

The best part was getting to know everyone. It's amazing how you can go to the same church every Sunday & yet not have talked to so many people before. Saturday night was full of fun & laughter as we gathered into groups to have a night of games (thanks Yvette & Mary!). The beach was great as well... the waves were too rough for me to go into the water, but I helped a kid build sandcastles... haha. Suse organised & prepared fantastic food for us too... it was entertaining to make our own burritos & rice paper rolls, & to watch them fall apart on the plates of those who weren't so skilled... hehe.

All in all, it was heaps of good fun & learning from God's Word together. Praise God for the blessing of brothers & sisters in Christ! I was struck tonight by the fact that you can travel across the globe & yet find a group of God's people to click instantly with. That's what God's people should be characterised with -- love for each other. =)

Chinese New Year in Sydney

I missed out on Chinese New Year celebrations in Singapore with my family this year. =( Because the Chinese follow the lunar calendar, their new year's day falls on a different day to the 1st of January. I've usually been home for the celebrations in Singapore, but because of commitments in Sydney, I missed out on them this year.

A typical Chinese new year celebration would include a reunion dinner with extended family on the eve of the day. Every Chinese family follows this tradition. It's a time to gather together with your uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents to have a feast of a dinner. Then the next few days would be spent visiting relatives and close friends in their homes. We bring along mandarin oranges to exchange, which represent gold nuggets & good fortune.

The younger, unmarried ones get 'red packets' or 'hong baos' from the older people. Each year, we can collect up to a few hundred dollars worth of money from the red packets. These are supposed to be given to us along with well wishes for the year ahead.

Chinese new year this year was spent cooking Mexican (???) for a group of friends & going to check out the night market in Chinatown. It was the closest I could get to experiencing the new year here, as I don't have any relatives in Sydney who celebrate it.

Even though I enjoyed myself, I couldn't help still feeling some emptiness inside. I just didn't FEEL the whole atmosphere here. We didn't gather together to play card games like I do with my friends and cousins, we didn't play mahjong, we didn't eat traditional Chinese nibblies like pineapple tarts, peanuts, spicy cuttlefish, etc. I miss being able to share the Asian side of me with other Asians who enjoy all those traditions.

I think you tend to appreciate your culture & traditions more as you get older. Anyways, 新年快乐! (xīn nián kuài lè) Happy Lunar New Year everyone!

Being "In" or "Out" -- A Matter of Perspective

Lately, a number of friends of mine have been either getting married, getting engaged, or have 'signifcant others' in their lives. I've never really struggled with the concept of singleness, but lately I have to admit that it's been a little harder than usual not to feel a pinch when these topics come up (which is quite often).

I guess even though I'm really happy for these couples because they're my friends, I honestly & selfishly feel a pinch of loneliness & sadness. It kind of hit me the other day when yet another couple in my church got engaged. It seems like the 'in' thing to do at the moment.

It's harder than most other times because it feels like I'm the only one whose serious Christian relationship didn't work out. It's a generalisation, but mostly true in the circle I'm in. It makes me feel like I'm 'out' & makes me wonder why & if it's just something about me. Most people I know haven't had the experience of being in a serious 'almost ready' stage of a relationship, breaking up & then seeing the other person with someone else & facing the real possibility of seeing them settle down. So I'm sorry for thinking that no one really knows how that feels.

But having said all that, I was really reminded of what it really means to be part of the 'in crowd'. The talks on the parables in Luke by Ken Simpson reminded me that we were all once part of the outsiders of God's Kingdom. (Luke 15:1-10)

Jesus sat & ate with tax collectors & sinners -- part of the outsiders! We are all sinners, all outsiders. But it brings God joy to send His only Son so we CAN be part of the 'insiders' -- God's family.

So I guess that's really the important thing. It doesn't matter if you're 'in' or 'out' in the world's eyes or in our own eyes. What matters is whether or not we're part of God's Kingdom, whether we're 'in' in the eyes of God. And all it takes is to have faith in His Son, Jesus Christ.

Sometimes though it's harder within Christian circles. Even though you know you're equal in God's eyes & we're all part of the 'in', we can feel 'out'.

But how about you? Are you 'in' in God's eyes? Have you come to believe in Jesus? Because if you decide to, rest assured that the whole of heaven will throw a party just for you! You can't be more part of the 'in crowd' than being part of God's family!

Starting & Stopping

After about one year of having my new pair of rollerblades collecting dust unopened in its box, I decided it was finally time to take them out for their first round of blading in Centennial Park. They're a really great pair of blades too (K2 Kinetic 10.0), bought them a year ago in Singapore with the intention of starting up the sport again.

Camilla had a pair as well so we decided to meet at 10am at her place last Monday. One minor detail though -- we both had forgotten how to stop! So I was a little nervous as we put them on, stood up & headed out the door onto Anzac Parade. What if I couldn't stop in time at a set of traffic lights or something?

But it was fantastic to feel the wind in my hair, dodging people on the path & just working up a sweat. I struggled a little with stopping, but I managed to cling onto some poles just in time... haha.

We went from her place to Centennial, did a round there & then back again. It took us about 80mins all up. Camilla was great! I must say she did a better job than I did at the whole stopping thing! The park was rather quiet on a Monday morning, which made it really nice to be blading & not having to pay much attention to cars or joggers, etc. I loved working up a sweat & I got home feeling refreshed & energised for the day. Although my muscles the next day weren't that happy. =)

Hopefully I'd be able to keep it up more often. If anyone owns a pair & wants to keep me company, let me know! But be prepared as I might have to hold on to you for support or to make myself stop occasionally. =P

Australia Day

I celebrated my first Australia Day in Australia this year. In Singapore, we celebrate Singapore's National Day in August, the day when Singapore gained her independence. Singaporeans are quite patriotic & the annual national day parade is a big event where heaps of people get involved to put on a great show of singing, dancing, parachuting & fireworks. People also have the Singapore flags hanging from their balconies one month before national day to show their spirit of unity.

So I was surprised that Australia Day was such a huge thing here. It's even a little more 'wild' than the celebrations in Singapore. People draped in the Australian flag, people having their faces painted, food stalls & music concerts in the parks & fireworks in the city.

A few of us went to the Botanic Gardens for a picnic. It was a gorgeous day for it. I love the Botanic Gardens... the flowers & views are fantastic. I took a few good shots of some of the flowers too. We sat & drank & ate grapes & cheese... quite posh really... haha.

Personally, I think Sydney is one of the greatest places to live in. We have peace, a generally good government, we can enjoy God's wonderful Creation in the midst of a beautiful and busy city, a good lifestyle and freedom of religion. We certainly are very blessed.

We also passed by the car show on the way there. I couldn't believe people actually owned those cars! They were amazing... one of them had a gorilla at the back too.. hehe.

So i just decided to post some photos up. I'm quite impressed with a few of them. =)

New Year's Resolutions

I've never been one to make any new year resolutions. But this time round, I think it actually might be helpful.

Resolution (n):
1. a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.
2. the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

Though I know most resolutions do not get followed through, perhaps it would be a source of motivation for me this year.

These are my resolutions:
1. To not let my happiness be determined by someone else's actions or circumstances, but find more of my joy in God's salvation.
Reason: There's no point in having joy in something earthly that will pass away, or in things which are beyond my control. It will only make it harder. But joy in the things of eternal value is what really matters.

2. To grow in godliness & prayerfulness to be the woman of God I am created to be.
Reason: "You shall be holy, for I am holy" -- 1 Peter 1:16. Also, you can't expect others to change, you can only change yourself with God's help.

3. To re-organise & re-prioritise my life.
Reason: I haven't made an effort to do this during the year. I know what I'd LIKE to be doing but given current circumstances, I need to work out the direction I'm heading towards. Given the second definition of 'resolution', as Christians we need to redefine our purpose.

I should come back & review this every once in a while, & keep remembering that the time is short & we should be making the most of it. There will be times when I break these resolutions, but it's not really what this is about. It's about enabling myself to be focused on what's important & what's best.

First Post of 2007

The fireworks display in Sydney

So 2007 is finally here. It's still hard to believe that 2006 is over -- but I'm quite glad it is. I missed the fireworks display at the Sydney harbour, but it sure looks amazing!

I spent my NYE at my home church, where we had a 'Watchnight Service'. This involved people sharing what God had been doing in their lives in 2006, singing together & praying for one another. I thought I'd share with you bloggers what I said last night.

"When I left for Sydney 4 years ago, I remember feeling sad & nervous. One of my greatest concerns was that I wouldn't be able to find a good church to go to. However, I praise God for my church in Sydney. I've not only felt so at home, but it's given me many opportunities to serve & God has grown me so much in the knowledge of Him. God has really been my provider of all things & I know that He has always been with me & has looked after me.

The year 2006 held many surprises for me & God had a lot of new plans for me. It has been the hardest of my 23 years & I think I wouldn't have made it through if not by God's grace. From March till about October this year, I was battling with depression from the stress of uni, changes at home & with the loss of a serious relationship. I cried for days on end & I felt alone & lost. I felt guilty for the way I felt because it seemed like I wasn't trusting God enough & I blamed myself for everything that happened. It was the lowest point in my life, but I think the only thing that prevented me from doing anything silly was my faith.

Though I struggled intensely through that experience, God also taught me what it meant to have joy in His salvation. There are many verses in the bible which talk about God being our strength & our comfort, & about the fact that He is faithful. I was really blessed by the song we sang earlier 'Through it All' because it is so true. God never lets us go. Not only this year, but for 4 years in Sydney He has never let me go. And even though He felt so far away sometimes, He reminded me of His love through my brothers & sisters there as well.

I can't believe this year is coming to a close. I don't remember a lot of it because it has passed by in a whirlwind of emotions with everything spinning around me as I remained still. So for me, looking back on 2006 involves saying goodbye to all the pain & sadness, but also looking forward to a new year with a new beginning. I'm sure God has lots of things in store for me still, but I pray that I can continue to trust in His good plans for me & that I'll be patient as He reveals that to me in His timing. Please also pray for me as I talk to my parents about my plans for the future as I intend on taking a couple of years off to be trained for ministry. This is another thing I realyl give thanks for because God has given me a heart to serve His people. But we'll see what happens... God is good & I'm very thankful for everything He's done."

Halfway through speaking, tears started to flow down my face. I couldn't help but feel slightly overwhelmed with everything & the fact that I got through the year. Is it really over? How did I ever make it through all of that? There is of course only one answer to that -- God's faithfulness & grace.

I felt so blessed as the church prayed for me & so grateful for Christ's family. We ended the year by praying & singing praises to God. Even though part of me wished I was in Sydney spending NYE with someone special, when it came down to it I knew that there wasn't anywhere more appropriate to be than in the House of God with His people.

Onward Christian soldier! I hope that I'll be prepared for all the things that God has in store for me in the new year. More importantly, I really look forward to the day when Jesus returns.

Rom 8:18-39 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that, who was raised--who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Happy new year, everyone! :)