Mindless Time-Wasting

So I had absolutely nothing to do when I woke up, so I decided to take a few web quizzes just to amuse myself. Haha... you know you're bored when you resort to stuff like this. :)

These are my results for a personality test I took. What do you think of the accuracy?

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low. You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable. You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea. While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Remembering the Real Joy of Christmas

The Christmas tree at Martin Place.

In my 4 years of university since 2003, this is only my 1st Christmas back in Singapore.

I've loved spending Christmas in Sydney every year. They've all been really special & you can 'feel' everyone getting into the Christmas spirit. The decorations in the Westfield shopping malls, the Christmas trees in the city & people shopping for presents. Christmas is not as huge here in Singapore (at least not as huge as Chinese New Year), so I was a little sad to leave Sydney away from the memories of the last few years & my friends to spend Christmas here.

But all that I've mentioned above isn't really what Christmas is about, is it? Not even my favourite Christmas tree in Martin Place (the tallest one in the city).

If you think Sydney-siders don't know the true meaning of Christmas, I'd dare say that Singaporeans are the same, if not worse. In a country where it is more multi-cultural than Sydney & where most people haven't come from Christian-influenced Western societies, most people have not been brought up to understand what Christmas is. Most of the elderly have come from China, so they don't really celebrate Christmas (e.g. my grandparents). Therefore, the younger generations who DO celebrate Christmas have not been exposed to it at a young age, so they celebrate it purely because everyone else does. In Sydney, there is also a focus on spending time with the family & Christmas dinner, & perhaps a vague idea of Christ being born. Over here, there's not even the family aspect of it & the lack of Christian influence means many have not even heard of the Christmas story. It is the giving & receiving of gifts which drive people to join in the festivities.

The other day I was passing by a family & I overheard the lady ask," Who needs to get Christmas cards?".The replies she got from her children were mostly a "no". So I thought to myself, do they even know why people celebrate Christmas? Is it all about the card-giving, the decorations in the shopping malls, or even the lovely Christmas trees in the city?

Christmas is a time of reflection for me. So as I went to church this morning, I was feeling slightly emotional. Maybe it was all the things I felt I was missing, or maybe it was the fact that it felt so different not to be in Sydney, or maybe I missed my friends over there. Wasn't Christmas supposed to be filled with joy? Then why didn't I feel it?

But as I sang the carols at church, I was reminded of the reason for the joy of Christmas. That God is good... that Jesus was born... OUR SAVIOUR WAS BORN! I thought of all the things I missed which brought me joy... what did it compare to the fact that my sins are forgiven because of the birth (& later death & resurrection) of this Child in a manger?

I find it hard to be joyful when so much has been going on, but to remember that I am truly forgiven should bring me joy enough. I should learn to count my blessings. He has truly given us the greatest gift -- the forgiveness of sins & eternal life.

Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Have a blessed Christmas everyone!

"A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed"

Sometimes being a true friend can be one of the hardest things to do.

Take this situation:
You're still struggling with the pain & hurt someone close to you has caused you. It hurts you to even think about it. She hardly talks to you anymore. But out of the blue she asks you, "How are you?". Do you tell the truth? That you're still really really upset about it? Or do you let it go & say instead, "I'm doing OK. How are you?".

Or when she talks to you all of a sudden, & you think it's because he wants to ask a favour. But you decide to give the benefit of the doubt & think maybe she really is genuinely concerned. So you chat for a while... & before she goes off to sleep, turns out she does have a favour to ask. How would you feel?

Don't get me wrong. I'm perfectly ok with doing the favour & maybe he was genuinely concerned about me as well. Just that it still hurts.

Maybe I'm overreacting. But I think being a friend can mean putting aside your own feelings & still care deeply enough to be gracious even if it may be unappreciated. They may never realise how much you struggled with it, but you still do it anyway. Far out... I'm realising how much it can take out of you.

But I'm profoundly grateful to the friends that God has put in my life. I'm sure that being my friend isn't all that easy either. It amazes me how some people can go out of their way to be loving, caring & gracious to me. I just pray that I can be someone like that to others too.

Light-headed

Woke up feeling slightly weird this morning. Ever since I got to Singapore I've been getting a head rush every morning when I wake up. I don't know if it's a normal head-rush or anything, but it lasts for about 5 seconds where everything goes blurry & I feel faint. But then it goes away quickly. I usually dismiss it as a head rush from getting out of bed.

The only difference was that this morning, as I was walking to the bathroom, my vision became blurred & I heard a kind of buzzing noise in my head. I couldn't see ANYTHING & I felt like I could throw up or faint at any moment. I had to feel my way around for a while, but I gave up & decided to sit on the floor instead. It lasted for about 5-7 mins this time round.

I wonder what could've caused it. Anxiety? Or just going from a cooler air-conditioned room to a warmer bathroom? It got me a little worried about my health.

Sigh... I hope I'm not suffering from anything. I wish I was stronger.. both emotionally & physically.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Thought I'd also share this short video.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time"

太美丽 tài měi lì - Too Beautiful

每一滴眼泪
每一次心碎
什么爱能无疚无悔
不灰心等待
痛苦也忍耐
你坚持爱了就不后退
我知道我不是一个轻易就会说爱的人
没有想到这样的你却改变我

太美丽, 太美丽
你的爱是多么的甜蜜
太美丽, 爱让我也美丽
现在我不再怀疑, 不怀疑
有多爱你

每一个脚印
每一朵乌云
说着我的飘忽不定
伤你伤好深
别人早就要放弃
为何你还是会给我宽容
我知道我不是一个轻易就会说爱的人
可是你坚强的付出却改变我

太美丽, 太美丽
你的爱是多么的甜蜜
太美丽, 爱让我也美丽
现在你也不必再去怀疑

当你在风雨的未知里走过
当我在迷失的自我的漩涡
交汇在黑暗中你我发出了新的光芒
现在我已全明白
什么是爱的真义

太美丽, 太美丽
你的爱让生命太甜蜜
太美丽, 只有对你感激
越过表面我看见你
美丽的心

你最美丽
你太美丽

Each drop of tear, each broken heart
No love can be without sorrow or regret
Patiently waiting, enduring the pain
Your love is resolute, never retreating
I know I am not someone who can easily talk about love
Never thought that someone like you can change me

Too beautiful, too beautiful
Your love is so very sweet
Too beautiful, your love makes me beautiful too
Now I don't have any doubts
Any doubts of how much I love you

Every footprint, every black cloud
Express my wavering intention
Hurt you and hurt so deeply
Others will have given up by now
Why do you still show me tolerance?
I know I am not someone who can easily talk about love
But your selfless sacrifice has changed me

Too beautiful, too beautiful
Your love is so very sweet
Too beautiful, your love makes me beautiful too
Now there is no need for you to have any doubts

When you walk in the storm with no destination
When I am lost in my own whirlpool
Meeting in the darkness
We will shine with new light
Now I understand completely
The real meaning of love

Too beautiful, too beautiful
Your love makes life sweet
Too beautiful, I will always appreciate you
Seeing beyond your surface, your beautiful heart

You are the most beautiful

You are too beautiful

I really love this song. I guess I've been feeling a little lonely lately & I miss having someone to care for & love & show every day how much me means to me. I miss having an imperfect someone who is still perfect to me.

No matter, I hope that God will grow me into someone who is beautiful in His sight... someone who is more like Christ. And if I do end up with someone, that he can see all of that along with all the flaws.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time."

Leaving Sydney

After all the waiting & anticipation, I finally leave for Singapore today.

I've discovered that I'm quite an emotional person & I get confused pretty easily (ask my Bonito, she can testify to that). I wanted to spend my last day in Sydney relaxing with friends, but at the same time I knew that seeing people would just make it harder to leave.

Firstly, I had to say goodbye to really close friends, like Mr. Dowling. I don't know when God will make us cross paths again, but I really hope we keep in contact.

Secondly, I didn't really know whether to meet a few friends for gelato up at The Spot because I was afraid of getting emotional. But I'm really glad I did. I got a little distracted during the night as my mind drifted away to everything that I'll be leaving behind. However, having a a couple of rounds of 'Cranium' at Gary's place made me forget everything for a while. We just had a lot of laughter (a lot of it at my expense) & I really enjoyed the night.

I feel sad leaving Sydney because I know that when I get back, things won't be the same anymore. Some people I love dearly won't be around, relationships will change, I'd be moving into a new house & I'd hopefully have a job. I know I'd miss spending Christmas & New Year's in Sydney & I'd really miss my friends here. But maybe it is time for a change of scenery... time to get over my "survival mode" & move on instead of letting everything spin around me.

I really pray that God will get me there safely & that He'll give me lots of time at home to spend with Him as well & be refreshed & reminded of His goodness.

Cuts Like a Knife

I feel as though someone has just stuck a knife in my heart, ripped it out & trampled on it...

I can't believe it's happening already. And the worse thing is, I can't do anything about it.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
& wisdom to know the difference."

Packing Up the Year

Ah... the joys of packing.

I'm moving out of my current place within the next 2 days, so instead of just bludging around after my exams, I've had to spend most the week packing & cleaning & moving. It's amazingly hard to pack EVERYTHING into boxes -- it requires good skill & technique. My back, legs & arms are actually sore from all the moving & cleaning.

I know it's an exaggeration, but I think I've learnt what hard labour is. Especially for a small person like me. I don't think I've ever done so much manual labour in a week! But I think it's a good lesson to learn. I take it as part of 'training' to be a good & godly homemaker one day.

But throughout the week, when stress & PMS hit (& you sometimes feel like you're the one doing all the work), I really just wish that someone was there to give me hug & allow me to cry on his shoulder.

Like now. Hayley just moved out. Her room is empty & it reminds me of when Carly left. Packing up my room & going through my stuff reminds me of everything that has happened in this house. So much has happened... joy, laughter, tears, pain... I get a little emotional looking back. And when it comes down to it, I guess I hate the feeling of being left alone.

I've got about 10 days or so before I leave Sydney for Singapore. As much as I'm looking forward to that, it's really hard to say goodbye. My family doesn't celebrate Christmas & I've spent the last 3 Christmases here in Sydney. It's been a tradition ever since 1st year for me to have a picture taken with someone special at the big Christmas tree at Martin Place. This year will be the 1st Christmas in my years at uni where I'm back home in Singapore... it'll be different.

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure God will help me to cope. He's already provided me with brothers who are so willing to help me move my boxes & funriture. I seriously wouldn't have a clue how to do it on my own! :)

Birthday Pie!

You know how people usually celebrate their birthdays by blowing out candles & cutting the birthday cake? Well... I got to make a birthday PIE & cut that instead. It was my favourite pie too --chicken, leek, bacon & pumpkin. Believe me... it tastes great!

Picture: Awww... how pretty! Even has my name on it & a little flower! =D

I'm not really one to make a big fuss out my birthday. I didn't even have a 21st party (although some very great friends blinded-folded me & took me to the beach for a bbq!). Though I did have a really sweet present last year with speeches (including Nicodemus the lamb) for my 22nd too. This year, besides the need to do some study, I just wanted something really quiet with a bunch of close friends, just about 6 of us.

Picture: Loren, Me & Camilla

It was a really great night at Camilla's with lots of laughter (how fun was the singing game?!?) & just enjoying each other's company. This time of the year usually involves a whole heap of emotions for me & this year in particular. But being able to put aside everything & just chill with my girl friends was just the way to spend the day. We finished off the night with some peach crumble... yum!

Loren came round & bought me a plant & put balloons up at my front door, & I got a call from my Bonito all the way from UK. Surprisingly, lots of people actually remembered even though I kept it a little hush. Thanks to everyone who smsed me during the day. It was nice of you to remember. :)

It also reminded me of the fact that I love entertaining & hosting people. Cooking, getting the house tidy, etc.* How exciting would it be to have people round for bible study & socials (board games, steamboat, sing star, etc.) once I settle down properly! Definitely looking forward to that!

* Someone commented that I just need to be the housewife of an MTSer or minister to spend my time doing all that. Don't know about that though -- still have lots to learn. Besides, what happens if kids come along? I'm sure they'll argue that not all they do is entertain. Surely there must be some balance! =D

Through it All

Psalm 23:1ff "The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. 3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever."

Well, today's officially my 23rd birthday. Although I'm not one to make a fuss out of it, I like reflecting on the year & think about the ways that God has worked in my life.

This year has undoubtedly been the hardest year of my 23 years & I feel that even words cannot express how true that is. It's all been a huge blur to me with figures of happiness, depression, sadness & confusion in a cloud of haze.

But as I look back, I can ALWAYS see God's faithfulness. God has certainly been pruning me (rather painfully, in fact) into the person He wants me to be. He has been the one to carry me through it all. I seriously don't think I'd be here today if not for Him.

So today, I thank God that I'm alive after 23 years & that He has chosen to make Himself known to me as my Lord & Saviour. Whatever life throws at me, He's there through it all.

I hope you get a chance to listen to this song -- I really love it! It's the song I remember singing back in Singapore when I was really worried about moving to Sydney 4 years ago. Now at the end of the 4 years of my degree, I can see how God is so faithful!

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You
And I wait on You

I'll sing to You, Lord A hymn of love For Your faithfulness to me I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Through it All
© Hillsong

The Hardest Thing I Ever Had to Do

Of all the people I have to say goodbye to, I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to you...

Last SBF Bible Study

Back: Dave, Michelle, Elliot & Tyson

Front: Me, Angela, Jess Khor & Martin

Since this week's bible study was our last one for the year, our group had a mini party with some yummy food, sharing & praying for one another. It was just so incredibly encouraging to hear from everyone in turn about what they were planning to do next year & what God had been teaching them throughout the year.

For me, coming into SBF this year after being in New College bible Fellowship for 3 years was a good change. I really love that we spend time chatting over dinner, & that we serve one another by bringing food to share every fortnight. It has certainly been a great way for me to get to know so many other people at church this year.

Our group was lead by Elliot & I think I was co-leader by default. But he has certainly been a great encouragement to me & I really admire his humilty & gentleness when leading our group. The group has seen amazing growth not only in numbers & group dynamics, but also spiritually. We has Jess Khor join us this session, a new Christian who brought much enthusiasm & joy into our group too.

It's kind of sad leaving SBF next year to join the Grads fellowship, but I've been really blessed by all the friendships formed. If I could choose one thing to thank God for, it would have to be the realisation of the blessing of being part of a family of God. The way that everyone seeks to love & support & care for one another has been a huge thing for me this year.

When Grimmo left for a few months, I was amazed at how the church worked together to make everything run smoothly. Even when Ben Gooley couldn't preach because of Peter being in hospital, it was so great when the whole church came together to pray for their family & that we had Ken Simpson take over for the week. And when Grimmo came back last week, what a joy it was for the church to have him back & to watch a video of his trip to New Zealand & the things God had been teaching him. This is what it means to be the church, the body of Christ.(1 Cor 12:14-27)

Thanks guys for this year! You've been a huge encouragement to me. =)

Quick Update

I feel like much has happened since the last time I posted something. Been doing some serious thinking & I think it's mainly due to the fact that my life as a university student is coming to an end this week.

I attended my last Campus Bible Study talk today & I was reminded of the time when I arrived in Sydney, being worried about how my growth as a Christian would be affected by my move. However, I've since been overwhlemed with the way God has just managed to keep me His child & blessed me with so many amazing things -- at my time in College, CBS & Unichurch. I don't think even words can do it justice, but I am truly grateful to God for all that He's done while I've been here.

I've also been trying to sus out a few churches, while at the same time helping my sister find one where she can feel comfortable in. So on Sunday, we both visited Gracepoint church at Auburn (which is where she lives). The people there were so friendly & within seconds we had someone welcome us & talk to us. Almost everyone there was Asian & I felt really comfortable talking to other people from Singapore as well. The bible teaching was great & the people there really had a heart to serve one another. But in terms of what I'm looking for, it was very much a family church with not that many people my age. So, I think I might visit their other congregation of Burwood@Five sometime. We'll see how that goes & I'm still praying about it.

However, the really big thing which has happened is the news I received from my parents on Saturday. It turns out that my dad's office in Singapore is shutting down & they're posting him to the office in Sydney. That means my family is almost definitely moving down here next year & it seems to be pretty soon. But they also expect my sister & I to move back in with them to our house in Baulkham Hills. I'm not really sure what to make of that, as it affects some of the things I've been thinking about recently & what's best in terms of my plans for ministry.

All in all, exams are only a week away & then I'll be back in Singapore soon, giving me a chance to sort stuff out with my parents & also talk to them about my plans for MTS. Scary thought... but I just have to keep trusting God & praying about it.

A Gentle Reminder

1 John 4:9-10 -- In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
1 John 4:19 We love because he first loved us.

It's so easy to place emphasis on the way others view us. Not just our outward appearance, but our behaviour, etc. This is true for me at least. And when we don't feel loved by others, we feel unworthy & upset. We forget the simple truths -- that God loves us & we should be wanting to please Him.

I visited my counsellor again the other day. I hadn't been to her since before the winter break, even though she said to. Anyways, after talking for a bit, she said that she thinks I feel unloved by others & I have lost my sense of self-esteem or self-worth. She said I feel trapped by my emotions & I'm confused about where I'm going. That seemed to sum it all up pretty well.

I finally told my family about my struggles of depression. It wasn't an easy thing to do & the reason why I hadn't before was because I was afraid that them fussing over me was going to make it more of a big deal when I really just wanted to pretend everything was ok. But praise God that they were really supportive about it. I just don't want people to look at me any differently.

The one thing that I was really encouraged by was when my mum said that she was praying for me & that she knew that I was getting through it because of my faith. And that's so true... the reminder that Jesus is the only one I want to be living for because He loved me enough to die for me is one thing I won't forget. So the same prayer I pray again... that I would love the LORD with all my heart, strength, soul & mind. I know I can fully depend on Him & that He will never disappoint me.

And for those who have really helped me through the difficulties & stress, I really do appreciate it & thank God for the gift of your friendship.

I guess it's back to my assignment again...

After a While...

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soulAnd you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

After A While
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

Eschatological Thinking

Col 3:1-4 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

After being away at the Challenge conference for the weekend (which was really great by the way), I came back being encouraged to have an eschatological view on things of this world, especially when the going gets tough. I look forward to the day when we are in heaven with our Father. Praise Him so much for the hope that He gives us.

It was also a reality check that ministry is never easy & that people pour their lives out for the sake of the gospel. I think God uses various situations to build us into godly Christian soldiers, so we can be more like Christ, & so we are able to endure hardships to pour our lives out for the sake of others.

Pleae pray that I'll continue to be trained in godliness & to work out what that means in terms of struggling to talk to my parents about my thoughts for the future. The talks at the conference were really emotional for me (I cried a few times because of that) because it made me think about how afraid I am to do that. But hopefully, God will give me enough courage to be able to do it. Short-term sufferings for eternal glory. I think that it's worth the trade-off. =)

Emotionally Drained

我真的想了太多。。。 心里真的好乱。。。要好好休息。。。。管不了。。。

Been thinking way too much... I'm really confused... need a good rest... not to care about anything...

你是不会明白的。。。

You won't understand...

God please give me strength & wisdom & help me to love my brothers & sisters in Christ. May I trust you more...

Tears of Joy

There have been a couple of things happening around me recently, particularly in my family, that I can't help but stop to thank God for.

Some of you might know about one of my cousins in Singapore who has been suffering from a mental illness because of stress at work, family issues, etc. She became a Christian just last year, but she was brought up in a very strict Buddhist home. Her family is one of the strongest believers in Buddhism I know. But because of their daughter's illness, they have started going along to church in the last month or so. None of them are Christians yet, but it''s so astounding when I heard that they have cleared out their house of all their Buddhist idols, etc. My cousin is also starting to get better because of this I think. Wow... it's so surprising the ways that God can work sometimes.

My dad also had an operation yesterday & he was really worried about it. My mum & brother, who haven't been going along to church in a while, have started to attend church again in the weeks leading to the operation. It's so great to hear how they have decided to go to God in their time of need, knowing that they can do that & God will take care of it. My dad's operation went fine, but he's still in a bit of pain & is taking a week or so off from work to recover.

My sister has also started to attend church again after about 3 years. I don't really know what prompted her, but she's been going around looking for a good church to attend. She even asked me if I had an extra bible when she found out she left hers in Singapore. I am thinking of asking her along to Unichurch (but she lives quite far away) or to recommend her the CBS talks at St. Andrew's Cathedral, since she studies in the city.

Wow... after talking to my mum & my sister today & hearing all of that, I couldn't help but cry tears of joy. Sometimes it's easy to forget that God works in many different ways & that He can surprise you. I feel ashamed at not praying for my family enough & I think I should be doing that a whole lot more.

On that note, I'm looking forward to the Challenge Conference this weekend, but also kind of nervous. My cicumstance has changed since attending it last year, & I wonder what new things I'll be challenged by which might be hard to hear. In the meantime, praise God for all the things He is doing in our relationships with others. He is such an amazing God! =)

Caught in the Wind of Change

For someone who doesn't really like having too many changes in my life, this year has been full of them. I feel like I've been given my fair share of changes that I wish that somehow it'll just stabilise.

During the first half the year, I really struggled with my degree, moving out of College, the stresses of applying for graduate positions, having my housemate tell me she's getting engaged & needs to move out this year, & within a serious relationship. They all seemed to happen at once & for the first time, I felt really helpless. I really needed the emotional support of others, but things got so bad that I managed to slip into a state of depression. I felt that people left me when I needed them the most & the only person I could turn to was God.

So far, the second half of the year hasn't been as bad. But I still find myself struggling inwardly with a few changes. Within 2 months, I have had to find a new housemate (along with a whole lot of other house stuff), apply for summer internships, receive news that I'll have to find another housemate at the end of the year, etc. And what does God want me to do during the holidays? I've been applying to more than 6 companies this session, & I still haven't got an offer for a position yet after going for interviews almost every week. It really takes it out of you.

Quite honestly, I'm still struggling a little with the lost of my serious relationship. It's been about 4 months now, but I really miss & appreciate the emotional support I had & sharing my life with someone I care about. People mean well when they avoid that topic with me, but sometimes I do feel I need to talk to someone about it just to get it off my chest. The frustrating thing about emotions is that you just can't help it sometimes. It's a lot better now because God has helped me put things into perspective, but that doesn't mean that there is no struggle still.

For those who can read Mandarin, do you know what "心好乱" means? It means my heart is confused. I'm struggling to be a friend who is supportive & who is happy for him that he loves God & wants to put God first. But when it means he might move away to live in a different area or go to a different church, it's not so easy to be supportive inwardly as you are outwardly. I also struggle with jealousy because it scares me that one day I might have to see the person I care about with someone else. It feels like I value our friendship more than he does because though I'm having this inward battle, I can't really show how I feel as it will just make him run further away & we might not even be friends. I can't help but wonder sometimes, has he really forgotten everything so quickly?

Through all of this, I'm still praying that God will help me not to be selfish & to seek my own desires, but to be other-person centred & God-focused. In God's kindness, He has given me strength to lean on Him & to pray for His will to be done in our lives. I struggle sometimes to pray not out of the selfishness of my heart, but at the end of the day, I really hope that I can trust God more. I think I understand more about what it means to be submissive, especially to God's good plans for my life. Having to adjust to changes & not knowing what's going to come scares me, especially when they can be things I really hope won't happen. But these are the things that God throws at me to strengthen & mould me to be more Christ-like. John Chapman also said that the first 50 years of being a Christian are the hardest. I guess I still have a long way to go!

Heb 12:5-11 "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. 6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." 7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

Reflection

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, & your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." -- Colossians 3:1-4

This is my memory verse for the week & it's so appropriate just with everything that's been going on the past month or so. As I've been struggling to find a job over the summer, it's so easy to get worried about it. What if I don't get anything? What am I going to do over summer & how am I to start saving for MTS? What's going to happen when Hayley moves out with her brother at the end of the year? Do I have to go through the task of finding another housemate again? And how am I going to handle having some of my friends leave church at the end of the year? Why do I feel so alone sometimes?

Amidst all my exams & interviews lately, I must be getting more stressed out than I think. I've been getting the most frustrating dreams lately, where I wake up & it takes me a moment before I can distinguish between my dream & reality. Sometimes they're really nice dreams, but I wake only to find out that it was just that -- a dream. Sometimes it's horrible, & I wake up scared but then relieved. It seems like my thoughts have been slightly disjointed lately.

But God has been teaching me more about Himself each day as a learn to rely on Him more. As I finish up my (almost) last session of uni, I was thinking just last night about how much God has changed me. There was no way I would have been this calm before a midsession than I am now. I don't get as stressed anymore & I value other things as more important. I have grown to love God more & to understand Him more. And I really enjoy being around God's people. Obviously, there are many weeds which still need pulling out, but I really wouldn't have a clue where I'd be now if not for God's kindness. He has brought me through some heart-wrenching & seemingly-endless rollercoaster rides, but like the poem "Footprints", I know whose set of footprints they were each time.

I Will Be Here

I just thought I'd share a song by a christian artiste, Steven Curtis Chapman. He's one of my favourite male christian singers. In his album, All About Love, he's got this really beautiful song. I'd decided for a while that I'd like to have this song played at my wedding. Maybe get someone to sing it or something. :) The lyrics are so beautiful...

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here.
If in the dark you lose sight of love
Hold my hand, have no fear
'Cause I will be here.

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind,
I will listen.
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winning, losing & trying
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future isn't clear
I will be here.
As sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here.

I will be here
So you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older,
I will hold you.
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you mean to me.
I will be here...

I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you & to the One
Who gave you to me...

Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here.
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here
I will be here...

I Will Be Here by Steven Curtis Chapman
Copyright 2003 Sparrow Records

"Bubble Bubble, Toil & Trouble"

I've had the opportunity to go through to the 1st round of interviews with a few investment banks recently, & I've really been questioning whether or not the finance industry is for me, especially after the talk at church as we continued our series on Eccelsiastes. This week's focus was particularly on the place of work & being a Christian in your workplace.

After going for a couple of interviews, I think I've come to realise that the corporate world is really not for me. You have to be a particular kind of person -- someone who thrives under pressure, who is assertive, conversational & career-focused. And I don't think I'm at all like that. I'm not ambitious as all. After attending a group interview last week, I know I tend to shy away from people who are very out-spoken & assertive. They actually intimidate me. And the whole point of having numerous rounds of interviews with panels of senior management interviewing you is 'cos they want to see how well you handle pressure. And I can tell you don't think I handle it very well & I think I'll crack because I'd feel hat they were scrutinising & judging me.

If you'd known me before I came to Sydney, you'd never really pick that I was the same person. I used to be someone whom people thought was a natural leader. I was able to do a speech in front of the school without getting too nervous. However, I really dislike doing that now & I get really nervous, even if it's just a one-to-one interview & not a presentation. I used to be more assertive & I'd take initiative when it came to doing group projects. Now I just shy away & let someone else tell me what to do. I'd occasionally put in my two cents worth, but that's about it really. Of course, there are exceptions, but I'm speaking in general terms.

Have I lost my sense of confidence somehow? Or have I learnt that not everything can be under my control? Sometimes I think it's probably a good thing. Although, some might argue that you'd see snippets of the old me come out occasionally. And I do admit I am still somewhat of a control freak, but somehow I don't think I'd be as humble as I am now if I'd kept my old character (not that I'm very humble now... you get what I mean). I used to think I'd like to be someone with a high-flying career, like my dad. But if I had a choice, I'd choose to work part-time while serving my husband at home, or to be a full-time mum & wife. I'd find so much more satisfaction doing something like that which I think is meaningful, rather than working in a money-making firm. But that's why the talk on Sunday frustrated me, because I know sometimes you have no choice because you need to earn a living. Practically, you need to have money to support yourself even before you can do something like MTS.

Another thing about the interviews now is that I feel like I'm kind of lying when I tell them I'm really interested in pursuing a career in finance. The truth is, I really am not at all. I don't think I'd like to work in the finance sector. The only reason why I'm looking for one at the moment is because they offer internships for the summer & I need a job next year so I can save up for MTS in 2008. Somehow I don't think that's something they'd like to hear. I know at the end of the day, God will provide me with a job that's suitable. And if my heart's in the right place & if it's His will, then nothing can stop me from doing MTS. But right now, I'm struggling a little with the whole honesty & integrity thing. Maybe I shouldn't be looking for a job in the corporate world if I'm not interested. My dad would probably flip out if I tell him what I plan to do.

I've got another interview coming up with Macquarie Bank. Sigh... I hope it goes ok. I really pray that God will provide me with all the things I need to do His work. Or maybe I just need to trust Him a little more & just take a leap of faith.

Living Word

Lately it's been getting hard to hear
Your voice speaking in the words I read
Maybe I'm just comfortably numb
Or has my heart grown hard
to the things I need

Chorus: Teach me by your Spirit through your Word
Let it move right through me
like a two-edged sword
Cutting all the sin & complacency away
Let your living Word come alive in me today

I find myself within the stories told
About your people from so long ago
I see you reaching out your Holy hand
And feel the nails hold you to a cross as a man

Chorus

Well I don't know what tomorrow brings
Seasons come & seasons go
But your Word is the only constant thing
So it's all I want to know

Lately it's been getting hard to see
Hope in the hopeless world I know
Jesus, all I really want to be
Is a light, helping guide your people home

Chorus

Living Word by Nathan Tasker
Copyright 2003 Cross-Word Music Pty Ltd

One of Those Days

Ever felt like you just need a shoulder to cry on & there's no one there? Today's one of those days.

Been feeling a little stressed & frustrated, partially due to all the moving & everything going on in the house, partially because I feel unappreciated & because I've been keeping so much emotion inside me that I feel like I'm about to burst.

By God's kindness I'm getting better at not bursting out in anger when I feel wronged & frustrated at someone. But I need to vent out my frustration, so I'm going to do it here.

Carly's moving out of our flat this weekend because she's getting married really soon. That means there has been a lot of moving around of stuff & I've had to find replacements for stuff like the fridge, washing machine etc. It's no easy task to find an affordable one, but I finally did. Then there's the hassle of moving all the stuff because I don't have a car & I don't actually know how to drive. So I called this removalist to come to our place today, bringing my fridge & at the same time transporting Carly's furniture to her new place. But when he came today, I felt like all the responsibility was given to me & she wasn't even around to help move anything because she had a wedding dress fitting the same time. When I called to ask if Joe could help, she replied by saying that she's not sure because he was busy, even though she had told him about it before. I felt like crying because I've been really busy & stressed out too, but it's not my responsibility to move all her stuff for her. I even had to come home to clean up & tidy the mess.

I feel really unappreciated & I feel like crying. I've tried my best to accomoadate for them by finding a new housemate early, etc. But I don't want to make a fuss out of it because it's just going to create unecessary tension when we should be going our separate ways on good terms. Someone once told me that it's good practice for next time for when I'm a mum. But right now I feel a little lonely & I really want someone to be here so I can cry & have a hug. I want someone to tell me that I'm appreciated & that it really doesn't matter.

It's so hard to be godly sometimes when you feel unappreciated, unloved & wronged. But our reward should be in heaven (as someone used to remind me). It's also because of the hormones & the stress of uni & looking for a job. I hope everything will be stable soon. I just have to keep focusing on WWJD & try to be godly in my relationships with others.

Phew... I feel a little better now. :)

Future in God's Hands

Speaking & knowing a few friends who have graduated from uni & have now started working, working is such a scary thing. I went for a job interview yesterday & even though I really wanted the job, I don't think i'll end up being one of the 8 chosen for Sydney.

I get anxious & worried when I think about my future. The reason I want to find a job asap is because I'm thinking about going into MTS (Ministry Training Strategy) in 2008. My parents aren't Christians & they'll do anything to persuade me not to do it. I need & want to be able to support myself financially so I won't be a burden to them. That might mean making a few changes to my lifestyle, like moving into a cheaper apartment next year. I'm really scared to bring it up again. The last time I did 2 years ago, my dad wanted me to stop all church-related activities because he thought they were brain-washing me.

Then there's the question of "which church?". My previous relationship helped me find my Asian roots again & I feel that I would really love to go into Asian ministry. That might mean leaving Unichurch, which is the only church I've known in Australia. It'll be extremely hard to leave. I'm not sure if I should go to the FOCUS church, or go somewhere else in Sydney. I would really like to do the latter I think, but it would be tough not knowing anyone. I don't even know which church would be a good one to go to.

Things seem much more complicated for a girl than a guy considering some of these things. Someone wise said to me that you almost have to make 2 sets of plans because your plans are likely to change with your status of relationship. I would love to share my ministry with someone & have someone lead me in it, but for now, I have to deal with the sadness of not having that. I'm someone I know who really values emotional support from someone & right now I feel like I don't have that from anyone. Furthermore, I think it's always hard when you see someone you love plan their life without you & you're afraid that they'll go out of your life. You wonder as well if you'll ever fit into someone else's plans.

But God definitely has a plan for me. I don't know what it is, but I still have to trust that it's good. I signed up for the MTS Challenge Conference recently as well. Please pray that I'll be trusting God in my decision-making & for His guidance in everything. Step by step, I'm sure He will get me there somehow...

Musings on Love

The heart is a deceitful thing. That's what the bible says. I think it's a funny thing. When in love, you heart is filled with inexpressible joy & you feel like you're on top of the world. But when it comes crashing down, it hurts more than anything & the pain can almost be unbearable.

Have you ever been in love? You thank God so much for the special person he has given you & you pray that He won't take that person away from you. The moment I enter a relationship, I am filled with great joy & love, but at the same time it makes me terrified because I know it can be taken away in the blink of an eye. You feel vulnerable when you give your heart to someone & trust them enough not to break it.

I thought I'd found the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. Although I admit he's not perfect, I love everything about him, even the little things he does. The experience of the cultural similarity, being able to share a part of my life with someone... & to have that taken away. I miss the late-night drives to beautiful places in Sydney, the watching of the sunset, the sunny picnics, the taking of pictures, the sharing of our lives with our families, the smell of fresh durian in Singapore, the planning of the future together... A beautiful sunny day always reminds me of walks in the park & taking pictures together... I respect the way He loves & cares for others & desires to serve God.

I know you think I'm obsessed or something. I've never had someone whom I can say I want to spend the rest of my life with. Someone I think I'd find great joy to serve & to be his helper in his ministries. I would give anything to be with him & to show him I love him with all my heart & I never want to hurt him. All the hurt is still there, but in any relationship, even friendship, you have to learn to put aside your hurt & anger to love the other person. Even through the weaknesses & faults of the person, you see the goodness in him & you still love him. Especially in the hard things like communication. In marriage counselling, they say more than half the couples struggle with communication. It's something to be worked on during the whole course of a relationship. A married couple I know still goes to marriage counselling to learn how to do it better. Being in a realationship means learning together, even the hard things. Love always hopes... doesn't it?

So what do you do if that person doesn't see you the way you do him anymore? You can't show him how much he means to you because it's not allowed. All the hope is taken away. I hear you say "get over it... move on. There are other godly people out there". But it's not that easy & the heart is a difficult & fragile thing to deal with. Guys somehow find it easier to put that part of their life away & just deal with what's in front of them. Girls find it a lot harder because a lot of their actions & thoughts are governed by their emotions. So maybe it seems like I'm torturing myself, but it's the way I deal with heartache. It's like being in love with your best friend but not being able to say anything because you're afraid it'll scare him away.

So what have learned through this? How easy it is to hurt someone you love & how to be patient through the difficult times. I just pray that I'll be able to be a friend, even when it hurts inside.

A Battle in the Wilderness

One of the things I really enjoy doing is sitting down under a tree in the sun to read a book or just to ponder & reflect on life. Today was a really beautiful day for doing just that. During my one hour break, I sat down on the library lawn under the sun & just thought about the various things in life. It reminds of of a bible verse:
Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

I met up with Loren over a cup of coffee just before our common class this morning. I realised how great it is to start off the week by sharing your life with someone & praying together. I was just so encouraged & it was very humbling to bring all things to Jesus' feet & asking God to take care of them. I also received the awesome news that another one of my friends from College has accepted Jesus as his Lord & Saviour. Praise God so much for that!

As I sat & reflected, I was overcome with humility, praise, sadness, gratefulness & various emotions for all the things which have been happening around me. I've realised how much I enjoy meeting up with God's people to catch up & talk about the work God is doing in our lives. I always leave feeling so refreshed & encouraged. It gives you a sense of perspective & humility as it makes you think about other people & their concerns so you can pray for them.

One of the things someone said to me as we met up in Teascapes on Friday night was how to surrender to God your feelings, thoughts & emotions when you find them hard to deal with. I've been challenged & struggling to do that, especially last session. But God is just so good. It reminds me of Psalm 23:1ff:
"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever."

I felt like I was stuck in the wilderness for a while when I was battling with mild depression last session & I was struggling to find my way out. I was searching for a way out & a hand to guide me, & so many times I felt like everything around me looked the same, so how was I ever going to find it? The talk in church on Ecclesiastes & the question of the purpose of getting out of bed each day really struck a chord in me. For so long I dreaded getting out bed each day because I knew I had to battle the same feeling of loneliness, helplessness, confusion & sadness day after day. There was no motivation for me to get up every day & I felt so weak & overwhelmed with emotions as I blamed myself for all the things which I felt. Before I'd go to sleep, I'd thank God for getting me through another long day, & the next morning I'd pray that He would get me through the day ahead. Even though I knew God was there with me, it still felt like He was so far away. It's hard to explain exactly how I felt, but it was so horrible that it can still bring tears to my eyes.

But praise God so much! As I learned to trust Him more & as He was teaching me, rebuking me & changing me, I felt myself slowly getting out of the wilderness. It was an experience I'll never forget my whole life because it was so intense & so hard. It takes a while to recover from depression, but God has brought me through to the other side where I actually feel motivated to get up each day to, like Pete Hughes said, know Him more.

God is still moulding me & teaching me lots of new things each day. Even though there are times when I still feel that life is a bit of a battle, I really hope that I can rely on Him each day for strength & comfort. I'm still learning to trust Him more & leave everything at the feet of Jesus.

My Heart is Filled with Thankfulness

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who bore my pain
Who plumbed the depths of my disgrace
And gave me life again.
Who crushed my curse of sinfulness
And clothed me in His light
And wrote His law of righteousness
With power upon my heart.

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who walks beside
Who floods my weaknesses and strengths
And causes fear to fly.
Whose every promise is enough
For every step I take
Sustaining me with arms of love
And crowning me with grace.

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who reigns above
Whose wisdom is my perfect peace
Whose every thought is love.
For every day I have on earth
Is given by the King
So I will give my life my all
To love and follow Him.

My Heart is Filled with Thankfulness by Keith Getty& Stuart Townend.

Copyright 2003 Kingsway Thankyou Music

Patience (again), Sadness & a Little Confusion

Sounds like a great recipe, doesn't it? After yesterday's talk in church on patience, I really felt that God was trying to teach me something.

As a child, my parents would tell me how impatient I was. As I grew older, became a Christian & became more aware of my sinfulness, I have come to realise it's true. I've always known that patience is a virtue which I struggle to have. But lately, God has been trying to show me what patience is really about. It's funny because it's both easier & harder at the same time to have patience for something you know is worth waiting for. It's harder because you really long for it, & easier because you have endurance.

Right now, I feel slightly confused. I love God with all my heart & He's the most important person to me. Before going to bed, I felt like praising Him so much because He's really been so good to me. I want to do whatever He wants me to do, but sometimes that's not easy to work out or to follow. God, why is it so hard to follow you? I know Jesus said it would be, but sometimes I wish you'd make it a little easier.

I finally understand what it's like to lose someone you love so much & it hurts more than anything when there's nothing you can do about it. When you're married & things go sour, you need to have the patience & commitment to love the other person regardless. Speaking to a friend whose dad is suffering from a terminal illness, I really feel for his mum because the husband whom she loves is not the same person anymore. I really admire women like that because of their strength & commitment to love when the other person can't respond. My dear friend, I'll be praying for you & your family...

And when I think about it, imagine how God must feel. Studying 1 John at MYC reminded me of the extent of God's love for His people. God is patient even today in waiting for His people to turn back to Him. He loved us even while we were still enemies. I don't think I've ever been so grateful for that love & it makes me want to love Him with all my heart, soul & mind. At times I know I'll definitely fail, but praise God for His patience with me.

Brothers & sisters, let us love as God loves us, to bear with one another & to build each other up.

MYC 2006 -- Relationships

This year's MYC was really reflective, thought-provoking & a really good reminder of my relationship with God. The topic of Relationships sparks an interest in almost anyone.

Bible study was on 1 John, which I thought really appropriate, & the seminars were to help us think about how God relates to us & our right response in relating to God & how sometimes that can be hard. In a way, I've always been conscious about how sometimes it is easy to let other relationships in my life override my relationship with God. The heart can be really deceptive & that's why I've long got into the habit of praying that God will guard my heart so that it will seek after Him first. In a way, it's also a protective mechanism so I won't get hurt. But sometimes it is not easy & I occasionally find myself longing after the things of this world.
"And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever." -- 1 John 2:17

Relationships in this world are so complicated, & I'm not just talking about those with the opposite sex. Those with friends, family, colleagues, etc. can be really hard to maintain in a godly way. I went to an elective on "Conflict Resolution" which gave some insight on how to leave peacably among Christians & non-Christians. They also had a first-ever women only question time, which I found rather interesting. One of the things brought up in the elective was the place of conflict & how sometimes conflict can be helpful in getting you to think about issues which can get swept under the carpet. This is so true. Once confilct happens, it is hard & sometimes unhelpful not to deal with it & you can allow bitterness & anger can build up in your relationship with others.

The talk on Thurdays night was thought-provoking & a little heart-wrenching as Grimmo spoke about family & children in our society. It always makes me feel like crying when the issue of abortion is brought up. The reasons people have abortions or decide not to have children in their marriage are really selfish. It pains me because I know couples in my home church who long for children in their family but are unable to conceive. On a personal note, I think I'm a very family-oriented person & I feel that the greatest fulfilment a woman could have is to have a family, work at home, serve her husband & bring up her children in the discipline & instruction of the Lord. Many people desire to have children or to have a family, & yet there are people who think children are a 'lifestyle accessory", who go through with abortions just because it is not suitable for their career, etc. As Christian, if we decide to get married, we should be deciding to have children as well.

The family issue I think brought up many issues especially for the Asians amongst us. I have no idea how to speak to my parents about my plans in the next couple of years. I thought I'd worked it out briefly, but I feel that I have a lot more to do. In particular, I think I don't think seriously enough about the salvation of my family & I really should work on that.

I also had amazing & encouraging conversations with people, particularly with a few of my friends from College. After the love, sex & marriage talk, a couple of us prayed together for God's wisdom & in helping us to put off all impuritiy. 2 of my friends from College who are really new Christians also came along to MYC & it's so great to see the way God is challenging them & changing them. Praise God! He really does want us to be in relationship with Him.

Although the week answered a few questions I had, it also reminded me of the fact that our relationships are dynamic. It requires 2 to tango & it's a life-long process working out how to serve & love one another. Love was a major theme during the week & I am reminded that I have to keep working hard on loving others, even when it is difficult. I think the most important relationships in our lives are usually the ones which we have to spend the most time & effort working on. e.g. our relationship with God. The question is whether we think they are worth it.
"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." -- John 13:34-35

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Ha... I can't believe how fast time flies. I've been in Singapore for 2 weeks & now it's time to go back to Sydney.

I'm at the Singapore International Airport using their free internet service before my flight, which is in about 45mins. I get a little nervous flying, especially on an overnight flight. I hope I can get some shut eye on the plane.

I think I had a really good break here & God has been really kind in letting me get some rest & relaxation. I'm disappointed I didn't come back with much of a tan though... hehe.

Exam results came out today & praise God! I was really surprised I actually scored a credit on the subject which I thought was the hardest exam I'd ever sat. I totally didn't deserve that. Especially with all that was going on during my exams, God really got me through & I'm really grateful. I guess I should learn by now that He's got everthing under control.

Oh well, here I come Sydney! Ready for another MYC! :) See everyone soon.

xx

Bonito Ajos

Today's the 2nd last day before I head back to Sydney & I'm so glad to have spent it with one of my closest friends ever, Samrita, or Sam for short.

Sam's a friend who's a rare find. She knows me inside out & even though she's halfway across the globe from me in Liverpool, we still manage to keep in touch through the occasional email or postcard. Whenever something major happens in either of our lives, we can just call the other person & know she'll be there. And each time we meet, which is like once or twice a year, it's always as if we never spent any time apart at all.

When we met in Year 12, she used to call me 'Bonito Ajos', which means 'beautiful eyes' in Spanish. Goodness knows why, she's the one with the long lashes typical of an Indian heritage. I started calling her 'Bonito' as well, & I guess the nickname stuck with the both of us since. I've even got her down as 'Bonito' in my phone, email & msn.

We spent the day catching up & doing some shopping, ending up at Max Brenner's. Her dad's a Singapore Airlines pilot, so she gets to fly 1st class for free! She showed me pictures of it & it's like having your own private space on board. They get like a 6 course meal for lunch & dinner or something crazy like that! I've always told her she has to come visit me in Sydney.

Love you, Bonito! Don't know what I'd do without you. :)

Creative Counterpart

Over the past month, I have been reading a book called "Creative Counterpart" by Linda Dillow. I bought it at MYC 2 years ago, but it's been left on my shelf collecting dust until now. It's a book for women on how to relate as godly women. I picked it up in preparation for this year's MYC & I highly recommend it to anyone who's interested. It is one of the best books for women which I have read so far.

I read one of the chapters today & it has really challenged me. It is entitled "Inherit a Blessing" & it addresses how to respond when we feel wronged, misjudged, hurt or angry. Specifically, it focuses on Christ as our example, as in 1 Peter:

1Pe 2:20-23 "For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly."

So often I read this passage & do not think seriously enough about what it means to continue entrusting myself to God. When I feel wronged, my first human response is to retailate. I am afraid of not being heard & of suffering in silence. If I don't say anything, how is the person ever going to know how I feel?

I am humbled & rebuked by this passage & the reminder of Christ's death for us. Christ was wronged, mistreated & undeservingly died on the cross for us. Yet, what was His response? It was not to hate or to retailate at those who mistreated Him (i.e. us), instead

Luk 23:33-34 "And when they came to the place that is called The Skull, there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. And Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." And they cast lots to divide his garments."

Christ's love for us drove Him to the cross. I am here because Christ loves me, even though I don't deserve it. His love has made me realise what a sinner I am.

In the same way, when feeling misjudged & hurt, I should learn to entrust myself to God, to pray about the situation & know that God will bring about the change that is necessary in our lives. I am ashamed to say that I often find myself responding with words which are hurtful. Sometimes even not saying anything is the best response.

The book also caused me to reflect on my motivations for responding the right way. Having the right response is not about wanting the other person to change, but because it is part of being a Christian & living in obedience to God. It is not inward-focused, but other-person centered. This is what Christian love is about. I really pray that God will continue to teach me how this looks like.

Back Home Again

After 3 lovely days in KL, I'm back in my room in Singapore. I can't get over how hot the weather is compared to Sydney. It's been an average of about 30 degrees! But I've heard Sydney's been getting really nice & sunny weather too.

It was nice going away with my family. I feel like we haven't done that in ages, not since I moved to Sydney I think. When the whole family was in Singapore, we would take a trip overseas almost every year. I guess we're pretty fortunate that way.

I didn't actually do that much while in KL. There was a lot of really huge shopping malls though, so my mum & I went on a bit of a stroll. I don't really get to shop much in Sydney. I think that's actually quite a good blessing, since I hardly ever have the time to. So, I stocked up on food & some clothes & souvenirs for a few friends.

I also had lots of free time to reflect on things, so praise God for that! God has really been teaching me what patience & hope really is. I think there's a difference between really wanting something & taking it into your owns hands, rather than asking God to give you patience & pray & wait on Him. It's something I think a lot of us struggle with. We want immediacy in our answers because we are anxious. So right now when I do get anxious & I ask God for help or pray to Him " God, I don't understand. What do you want for me?", His answer to me seems to be the same each time -- Wait, Jess. Be patient & trust in me. Please pray that I will do just that. I am reminded of these verses:

Col 1:11-14 May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Rom 8:24b-28 For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

I'm looking forward to having my New College fresher, Kia, visit over the next week. I love showing people around Singapore & doing all the tourist stuff which I don't usually do on my own. :) I'll take lots of pictures too. Although I can't post them up till I'm back in Sydney.

Off to Kuala Lumpur!

After 4 days in Singapore, my family has decided to take a trip to Kuala Lumpur, which is in Malaysia. So we're going to be waking up early in the morning to take a drive up there.

I've never actually been up there before, so it should be interesting. Not sure what there is to do though, so I'm going with a book prepared. The hard part is the 5-6 hour long drive. I can't actually read on a moving vehicle 'cos it makes me carsick. But maybe I'll get to eat some durian while I'm up there! :)

While I'm down here, I'm also thinking of getting an electronic steamboat thingy. For those of you who haven't heard of steamboat, it's where you have a saucepan of boiling water with some added stock & all you do is cook your own meat, fishballs, prawns & anything else you find yummy in it. It sounds strange, but it's really good. From experience, people usually end up over-catering because it's surprising how fast it fills you up. The last couple of steamboats I've been invited along to were really great. I think it's a fantastic way to catch up with people over a meal, especially Asians. I'm actually rather excited. So prepare your stomachs for some yummy Asian delights! :)

Blessed be the Name of the LORD

As usual when coming back to Singapore, I visit my home church. It's the church where my best friend, Rachel, brought me to & it's where I became a Christian. It's very different from Unichurch as it's rather Pentacostal. After being at Unichurch & studying the bible for myself, I have been challenged to think about many issues concerning the church. There are a couple of differences between the ways that my church & Unichurch are run, & they are mostly rooted in what the bible has to say about the roles of the Spirit & women in the church. But I'll save that for another time. :)

My best friend, Rachel & her boyfriend have been together for about 4 years now. He has decided to further his studies in Adelaide & actually left today on the plane. Rachel decided to go along with him for 2 weeks to help him settle down. Although I'm quite disappointed that I'm not able to spend much time with her while I'm here, I know how hard it must be for the both of them. So Weeli & Rachel, I'll try to remember to keep you in my prayers. I know God will look after you both as you trust in Him.

My other friend, Charis, also returned from the UK after 9 months of exchange. I was so encouraged by her because she came back full of praises for the ways that God had been looking after while she was over there. Our church youth group, Character Christ, has also been growing heaps. They attended a conference over the weekend & many of the younger ones brought their friends along & a few of them decided to receive Christ as their personal Saviour. Really praise God for that!

I was so amazed at the chosen topic for the sermon today. The preacher based his talk on the bible passage I posted on my blog only days ago -- The Heavenly Prize. I felt like the talk was directed straight at me & I was really encouraged to keep remembering the way I should living. To perservere towards the imperishable prize.

I also learnt a song which I thought really reflected the way I was feeling a couple of weeks ago. But as I have continued to read God's Word & been reminded of His faithfulness, God has graciously been growing me & teaching me to rely on Him. He is always with us even when we feel like He is far away. It reminds me of Job & how he is able to praise God even in times of difficulty. "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." I pray that we can all learn to trust Him & His goodness more & more.