9.07.2005

Suddenly, i feel so lost again.

its been 3 yrs that i'm taking this course, but i still feel that i m trying to adapt.

not that i've not tried adapting to such life, but no matter how hard i try, the efforts are not
really paid off. it saddens me a great deal.

Seeing the list of IA companies make me wonder... "is this really my future ? will i really be
handling the wires/ writing software codes, implementing design, troubleshooting.. etc etc...??
It is someth that i've always dreaded. The descriptions that the company wrote sounded foreign,
and intimidating. I dun understand the requirements. I dun meet the requirements either.

Laboratories.

Never did I feel comfortable before, after a lab session. I was merely anticipating for
e end of the period and simply waiting for time to pass, so that the lecturers wont ask me qn,
that i cant decipher.

Even though i've read the lab manuals, it was never easy.. lets take the proj lab for instance.

The 1st project on VHDL... I had difficulties trying to figure out how to install the program. I
tried my best for it, but i couldnt run the program. 178 ERRORS. shocking. It took me MANY days,
but nothing good came out of it. i was still blur. It seems that the days that i've spent on
this proj has come to nought. a complete waste of time. but, i've really tried.

Why is it that others can understand within a short while WHEREAS i'm always STUCK...??


The 2nd proj on microprocessor. There were hardware and software part. Both were juz as tough, but
i chose the hardware despite not having done wire wrapping etc b4. Software would turn out disastrous
if i laid my hands on it. how many errors would there be this time, if i'd chosen software..?
unimaginable.

The hardware part, though easy (as many claim) was not that easy for me at the beginning.
There were so many pins for me to connect the wires to, so many things to look out for.
This time, i want to do my job well... so i went to look ard for help. my fren helped me,
but i was still blur. I had to ask many times before getting the whole picture. I spent many
days trying to figure out, and many days fixing it. I wanted to make sure that nothing goes
wrong, so i went to lab to test it first before goin for lab. I was happy with the result.

It is not someth MAJOR, but i'm juz as happy. For the software part, i sat beside my partner
like a fool. i couldnt help in anyway. i didnt ask but only observe wat she was doin, n i tried
to figure out in my head. throughout the lab, i'm e idiot who cant do anyth but sit quietly
beside. at times, i felt so useless. i'm sure any one who becomes my partner would be irritated
too. I'm irritated with myself too.

"DO u noe wat is goin on in this project???"
me: "a bit."
"den how r u goin to do the report??????"
-awkwardness- silence-
i felt like some dumbass.

i dun blame her for e qn for i noe she dun mean it the bad way... it juz makes me wake up to
the harsh fact of reality... that if i were to work for a company n i cant produce/assemble
things, i'd maybe get sacked.



its already a torture to attend lab sessions where there are so many hands-on practices..

What about IA..? Who will be there to help me then?

i'm an EEE student, but i still cant grasp e concepts well. there are so many things that are
still so foreign to me,
even though i've taken the modules, its like, i'm juz takin it for the purpose of taking it.
I cant relate to real life applications....

I wont be of value in the EEE market.

The kind of feelin is hard to express..... i'm juz writin down coz i'm really affected by it.

Who understands how i feel??????????????????

no matter where i turn, i feel that people are mocking at me...


-NOT HERE, NOT THERE.-
as i'm closer to the piece of useless degree, i'm further from my dreams.

gainin someth always means losing someth in return.

if i had a choice, i'd rather lose someth and gain e thing that i yearn for.
however, the choice was already made a few yrs back.
i cant turn back anymore.



Leave a light on.. to guide me thru this path.........................
Queen scribbled at 8:08 PM. +++

8.31.2005

always there... in my heart.
Queen scribbled at 11:38 PM. +++

All the fond memories that i have with her.

are really juz memories now.

memories that will keep replaying ...

memories that will always be kept in my heart.
Queen scribbled at 10:56 PM. +++

the lyrics that she wrote in her frenster.

Kci n jojo- all my life.

listening to it makes me tear.

flashbacks.

i really miss her.
Queen scribbled at 10:53 PM. +++

8.15.2005

If i had a choice, I WOULDNT ASK !

i'm irritated.

irritated.

i.r.r.i.t.a.t.e.d.

.....

who can i go to now?

who can help me?

i feel so lost lost lost ... in this course.

frustration. helplessness. irritated.

I'm feeling SOO BLUE
Queen scribbled at 8:27 PM. +++

8.03.2005

my mind was a blank when i reached there..

it still felt that i was in a dream.

i entered. tears welled. it was another heart-breakin moment.

the photo looked so lively

the name was so familiar..

The rain came.. followed by thunder. it made the whole atmosphere worse..

the rain got heavier..

we stayed with her till the rain subsided.

nuttin can describe the pain we felt..

things will no longer be the same but i noe we gotta be strong n move on.

i will b strong.
Queen scribbled at 8:21 PM. +++

8.01.2005

This is e day that hurts e most.
29th july sealed e fate of a young n promising gal who would grad in a year's time.

the news came v sudden. everyth went sudden too. my mind was a blank. I didnt noe how to react. I thot i was dreaming and everyth would be ok when i wake up.

it didnt. i couldnt sleep that night. the moon on e sky reminds me of her.

it was daybreak n time to go to sch. memories of her filled my mind n i broke down. tried to regain my composure. life is so fragile.

reality is harsh.

I reached SGH. The sight of her parents and the whole scene made my heart ache more.
There she was lying motionless. i couldnt express how i felt.

The moment at the Mandai cremetorium was even more heart-wrenching.
nobody expects this to happen.


she is gone. forever.

at times i still cant accept the fact

but e memories that she has left behind will be inscribed in my memory forever.
Queen scribbled at 9:02 PM. +++

4.22.2005

when e goin gets tough, the tough gets goin!

winnie gets ready....


to conquer 3 remaining papers!!!
tues: maths 2
thurs: maths 1.. n econs!!



3




2



1


GO! (p.s its 1 am.. i go sleep 1st... will be fully charged by tmr!)
Queen scribbled at 12:52 AM. +++

4.21.2005

SADM! i wanna be in SADM..
but i'm already 2nd yr .. goin to 3rd yr in eee..
y didnt they establish the sch earlier?? when i was in yr 1..?

i'm hangin in mid air...

to be so far from my dream, n nearer to someth that i dun desire (the path is long.. terribly LONG!)

when i put in effort in art, i feel contented.. as the time i put in is all worth it.

sometimes i feel like i'm wasting a huge portion of my life away doin eee.. n the feelin is terrible
i feel no purpose but i still gotta do it..

i wanna paint all my troubles away...
Queen scribbled at 10:24 PM. +++

i wanna scream.
but no voice came out.
i tried to be strong.
but i really feel sad
how does it feel like to leave the hall knowin u cant do it after taking it 3 times?

2 papers a day is madness
why muz we go thru this torture every sem?
we only gain stress, tears thru it.
e knowledge is returned at e end of each papers..
so wats e purpose of it all?
Queen scribbled at 10:11 PM. +++